Education is a rather delicate process, not without its rough edges. Often, a wall of misunderstanding arises between parents and their children, with each party confident that the truth is behind it. The child is rightly offended that the parents do not take into account his interests, do not respond to his requests, and mom and dad are perplexed why the child only snaps at their “concern” and is sullenly silent. Hence - an endless series of unheard phrases, silent insults and slamming doors in communication between children and parents.

Unfortunately, this atmosphere prevails in many families. And the more stubbornly everyone bends his line, the more tension is introduced into family relationships. Clearly, the culprits in such situations are the parents. They, as wise and adult people, must take the right pedagogical step towards emotionally immature children.

Our society is mired in monstrous stereotypes with which it is convenient for us to live, because raising our voices at children, teaching and caring for them are our parental habits.

When talking with children, we automatically pronounce familiar phrases, without thinking about their true meaning and impact on the growing personality.

This article breaks all pedagogical stereotypes, because of which parents and children cannot find a common language. Change your communication tactics with your child - and you will feel the true magic of parental influence. Keep our tips and recommendations on your mind and remember how to talk to your child correctly.

You will need:

Talk in a whisper

Whisper - worthy alternative screams, threats and any manifestations of parental indignation. Children feel very sensitively when mom and dad are exhausted and they can be defeated - when parents yell at the child.

If you are trying to reach a stubborn child and willy-nilly raise your voice because of emotions, the child will not hear you, much less listen to your advice and requests. And all because he will defend himself on a subconscious level from your screams and will not direct his energy to the perception of information.

Therefore, children react more to the intonation in a conversation, rather than to its content. They can perceive the meaning of what is said only in a calm and comfortable environment.

Give your stubborn naughty boy a warm look, lean towards his ear and mysteriously whisper a prepared instructive phrase. This will require enormous self-control on your part, but the result will pleasantly surprise you.

“Now I’ll leave, and you stay!” This is a phrase that is consonant in the child’s mind with betrayal. The wild fear that grips a child at the sight of a leaving parent makes him forget about everyone exciting games, discoveries, interesting surroundings and rush after him. Parents, have pity on the already defenseless children!

“Let me do it myself.” The irritation that can be heard behind this phrase tells the child that he is not capable of anything. Constantly repeating these words, one fine day parents will see their child, absolutely indifferent to everything and not wanting to take on any work, because he is a complete mediocrity.

"I told you!" Instead of supporting their child in a moment of failure, mom or dad says this phrase meaningfully. How does the child feel? Pain, resentment, sometimes irritation.

Parents who like to take revenge on their children in this way, remember: emphasizing that you are right once again makes the child believe in his own imperfection.

How will he grow up after this? It’s better to tell him more often that you too are an earthly person who makes his mistakes.

"Come quickly!" Do you think this phrase will really make the child finish his business faster? Just the opposite is true: in a hurry and worrying, the baby can confuse something, forget, and hesitate even more. And if an excited parent says such a phrase to a phlegmatic person who by nature cannot do anything quickly, then he may think that his stubborn child simply does not react to his words. Here is a reason for another conflict.

To avoid this, set aside spare time and give your child the opportunity to do everything at a pace that is convenient for him.

And if you can’t do it without comments, it’s better to talk through what needs to be done step by step.

“It’s not worth worrying about,” “don’t cry!” Do not belittle the importance of the little man’s feelings and emotions - this will only make him move away from you. You must penetrate his problems to the depths of your soul and understand his emotions. By the way, children have the right to tears, because they relieve tension perfectly. Don't take your baby's crying as an irritant.

Look at him differently - through the eyes of a loving and understanding parent. Hug your suffering child and sympathize with him.

Replace the word "no"

It is not difficult to guess what emotions a categorical “no” carelessly thrown by parents causes in a child - annoyance, disappointment, resentment, anger... The child understands that what follows is emptiness. There will be no walk, sweets, cartoons and many other things that he so hoped for! And if the baby is hungry or tired, then these three cruel letters can easily provoke a prolonged hysteria, because the word “no” can be compared to a red rag that has a magical effect on a bull. Therefore, quickly remove this word from your communication with your child. In most cases, it can be replaced with a life-saving “maybe.”

When you say “maybe” or “we’ll see,” the child has hope: what if the parents change their minds? This is a great motivation for your child.

If you put the toys away, we’ll go for a walk. If you eat soup, you get cake. As a result, the child is not just motivated, but learns to take responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

However, there are situations when a ban is still a ban. Even in such cases, avoid this hated three-letter word. Be a diplomat and show that you understand and share the suffering of your unfortunate child. Let your child know that he has the right to his opinion (“You really think that we should buy you a player. I perfectly understand your desire”), and it is correct.

Calmly, briefly and confidently explain to your child why you are refusing him. The younger the child, the shorter the explanations should be.

Another interesting psychological technique is fantasizing about the fulfillment of a desire. Together with your child, sit back and imagine “what a great player he is holding in his hands right now.” From such indirect support on your part, he will be a little distracted and calm down, directing his energy to other, more pleasant thoughts.

Ask for forgiveness

Parents are not gods. They, just like children, make mistakes and learn throughout their lives (and in some ways, even from their children). And they make a huge number of mistakes in the educational process. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with admitting your guilt and asking for forgiveness from your child.

After all, this is the most effective method education. In addition, ideal parents are a constant “stress factor” for children: they see their imperfections and resign themselves to the idea that they will never be able to equal mom or dad. This is where a huge gap and alienation arises between generations of fathers and children.

It would seem that this is a natural process of communication with your own child, but it can turn into a real test when mutual understanding is lost. What happens between parents and child? Why is everything changing?

Friendly communication is the basis of parental love

Many psychologists and teachers come to the conclusion that parents do not know basic techniques for communicating with children. To improve your literacy, you need to read special literature.

Type of communication by age

From birth to 2 years, parents practically conduct a monologue with their beloved child. At 2-3 years old, a child becomes aware of himself as an individual. At this moment, the child’s character is formed; he clearly expresses his dissatisfaction with what he does not like. During this period, you need to perceive the child as an individual. Ask your child’s opinion, if he doesn’t like something, then try to correct the situation.

Communication begins with understanding the child’s condition. If you master this tactic, then everything will go well in your relationship with your children. If you encounter difficulties in communication, try to adhere to the following recommendations.

If a child does not want to listen, you need to find out the reason

Books by Julia Gippenreiter about communication

Love, care and concern

Your thoughts and actions should be permeated by unconditional parental love. Only in this case will all communication be built on a disinterested feeling. All aspirations and actions that a person performs while in a state of love will certainly lead to success. Hardly loving parent will start the conversation with the phrase: “Will you get it from me now?” The parent’s mood is indicated, the child has prepared for defense, now he is only defending himself. Try to avoid such statements when communicating with children.

What is unconditional acceptance

Complete indifference is not welcome; here it is important to understand the difference between calmness and outright indifference. Your indifference plays a detrimental role, the child withdraws, and it is almost impossible to make contact in such a situation.

Methods of personal communication with your child

A conversation with a child should begin with eye contact; if the situation is calm, you can go out tactile contact. True emotions are conveyed through interactions, try to overcome irritation and negativity, take a step towards the meeting with all your heart.

Try not to use the particle “not” in your speech; it gives a negative connotation to the entire speech. Until you throw out the trash, clean up your room, or go to the store for bread. It’s preferable to say, when you take out the trash, you can play with the guys.

Praise your child for real success. Some parents go to extremes, some limit themselves to meager praise once a year, others worship the child for performing daily actions. It is important to specify for yourself the criteria for a child’s success; if the achievement is real, then do not skimp on praise. This position will form adequate self-esteem in the child.

And finally. Try to study the culture of speech - children copy our habits. If a child constantly hears speech errors, then he subconsciously copies them. You are the best example - this is a great honor and a great responsibility.

Working mothers, oddly enough, are better at building dialogues with their children - because time pressure organizes a person, and they only have a few minutes before bed, during which they need to have time to say and hear a lot. Yulia Sonina and speech therapist Natalia Perel - about how and what to talk about with a child

Chekhov has a story on the topic of communicating with a child. It's called "At Home". About the district court prosecutor and his seven-year-old son Seryozha. One evening, when the prosecutor comes home from work, the governess tells him that Seryozha climbed into his father’s table, took tobacco and smoked. IN educational purposes The prosecutor has been trying for a long time by all means to convey to his son how bad it is for health, what the consequences of climbing into someone else’s table can be and what property is - all in vain. The case ends with the prosecutor telling his son a fairy tale about a prince who smoked and smoked and died of consumption. And this gets his son through. Shocked, Seryozha promises not to smoke again.

You can always find an approach to a person if you have the desire. As a rule, the child is open to communication. He always has a joke in stock about a Frenchman, a German and a Russian who are flying on a plane. He can retell this endless anecdote, like the Forsyte Saga, as many times as he likes without changing a single word. Until his mother sends him to his dad in the evening, provoking an argument about who is more tired - dad at work or mom - first also at work, and then the whole evening alone with the child, the Frenchman, the German and the Russian. No matter how tired this chatter may be for parents, the child cannot be turned off. You need to get used to his chirping, and ideally, learn to enjoy it. It is important not only for children, but also for people to be able to talk - to express their thoughts and feelings. Moreover, feelings are even more important. Perhaps this is the secret of family happiness.

Introverted children are a different story. There is nothing wrong. It will just be more difficult with such a child. You never know what's in his soul. Is he happy? Unsatisfied? And if you are not satisfied, then with what? It’s no easier for introverted parents who find it difficult to talk to their children. From time to time, posts appear on parent forums like: “The speech therapist told me that I need to talk to the child, but I can’t. I’m not very talkative at all.” Here you need to be able to get over yourself. Especially if the child does not go to kindergarten. Home education means that a child learns about the world through his mother, grandmother or nanny who sits with him. This is a big responsibility, and you should understand that you need to talk to your child, and a lot. Speech is the highest psychofunction. Our world is structured in such a way that we communicate using language - we formulate thoughts, convey emotions. And this is not as simple as it seems at first glance.

Don't train

When talking to a child, there is no need to pretend to be a teacher with a capital T. Step on the throat of your pedagogical song. A child is a person just like you. Only he has less life experience. And this is a big plus. No adult will listen to you with such attention. So try to be an interesting conversationalist.

Give an example

An adult sometimes cannot express how he feels, but it is a million times more difficult for a child to do this. So your question “couldn’t you tell?” – rhetorical. Could not. The child needs to be taught to speak. At three years old, he is unlikely to be able to figure out on his own where the toilet is in a cafe or ask the saleswoman at a kiosk how much ice cream costs. He needs to be given a ready-made speech model and the opportunity, if anything, to hide behind your beautiful skirt: “Come up and say: “How much does a popsicle cost you?” Or, do you want, I’ll ask this time, and you’ll look and ask next time?” The main thing is not to put pressure, to leave a path of retreat.

Find a topic

Oddly enough, questions from the “What’s for tomorrow” series homework? or “Where did you get your jacket dirty?” not very conducive to conversation. There is a list of more friendly topics:

• How was your day?
• What was interesting?
• What did you do during recess?
• What did you have for breakfast?
• What were they playing? Will you teach? Explain the rules.
• Who have you become friends with?

Shut up

The child has the right to remain silent. He must be respected.

Have fun together

The shared experiences of going to a football game, going to the dentist, or visiting grandma bring us together very much. Speech structures like “Do you remember how...” and “Did you see how she...” help to establish contact even with strangers.

Create a ritual

It is not at all necessary to talk to your child 24 hours a day with a break for sleep and food. It’s the smeared action that’s exhausting. To conserve energy, set aside a specific time and place for intimate conversations. For example, 15 minutes on the way to kindergarten or school. Or half an hour in the nursery before bed. Every day, with the phone turned off. You can also pat him on the head.

Don't copy his slang

Unlike young children who look to adults as role models, teenagers want to differentiate themselves from us. Don't try to speak their language and play girlfriends. This will be regarded as a seizure of territory.

Let's play drama

When communicating with children, we often use a method that in psychology is called “monodrama.” When a child chooses a toy that will be “them” in the game, and dad or mom, with the help of other toys, plays all the other roles. You can just play whatever you want. You can act out different educational situations. For example, “How I took away Sasha’s car and why you shouldn’t do that.”

Tutta Larsen, television and radio presenter, son Luke (9 years old), daughter Martha (5 years old)

I'm not at home much, but when I'm with my children, I belong to them completely. If they say something, I listen. So far we can only have meaningful conversations with Luka. All Martha needs to do is read a bedtime story and kiss her, but Luke has questions. He wants dialogue. We usually talk to him while he is taking a bath before bed. This good time and an environment where you can talk about important things without fuss. That is, the conversation begins as if about nothing, and then it turns out that it is about something important. Recently the topic of sex came up. Our dog went into heat and my son was worried she was dying. I explained everything to him. He thought for a couple of days and asked the following question: “Does this happen to people?” I said: “Yes, if the woman is not pregnant.” A couple of days later he asked why people do such and such. And when I said that this is called sex and people do it so that they can have children, my son remembered my words. When he was little, I said that children are born from kisses. What should I say to a four-year-old child? A new version he didn't like it. He said: “Ugh! Nasty! I will never do this." No, no. He will grow up and understand that sex is not a nasty thing, but a joy. Then he went to the dacha, where, as usual, he played and rode a bicycle with his friend and peer Danya. And when he returned home, he asked: “Mom, is it possible to have sex with two women?”

Ksenia Kesoyan, sons Lev (13 years old), David (6 years old)

When Leva was little, he began any dialogue with the words: “Let me tell you something funny.” Then followed a story about anything, but it was imperative that everyone laughed at the end. Actually, he immediately warned about this. And we were touched and praised: “What a good fellow - such funny story! Ahaha". If today I ask Leva the question “how are things at school?”, I will most likely hear the answer “fine.” The more questions on the topic of study, the more formal and rigid the conversation becomes. When I want full-fledged communication, I can hint: “Here on one blog they compiled the top best rock ballads of all times, and there, can you imagine, there is not a single Led Zeppelin composition at all.” And for the next hour and a half we will chat animatedly. Moreover, Leva will speak, and I will do what, in the language of fans of The Big Bang Theory, is called “empathic listening.” To get the younger David to talk, you need to ask “Do you think Kirill knows how to craft a cake?” and then listen for a long time to what they ate in kindergarten, who was sick, who was new. And, most importantly, I will understand that everything is fine - they are happy with life.

I'll tell you a story

Storytelling is a theatrical genre, literally “telling stories.” Actually, this is much more difficult than reading a book out loud, but also much more interesting. Especially if the narrator does it informally and targeted, involving listeners in the process. Try this: You compose a fairy tale up to a certain point, the child repeats the last phrase after you and continues further. “And so Vanya went wherever he looked.” This can be done by the whole family - for example, when you are sitting in a car in a terrible traffic jam. Anything is better than arguing.

Anna Ilyina, daughter Sonya (5 years old)

In our family, for the last 200 years, only girls have been born and only talkative ones. It's not a problem. This is a tradition. Several generations of parents tried to neutralize this talkativeness or at least turn it to their advantage. While I was saying something, it was all the same, as long as there was sound, my mother could calmly do household chores. I did all the mischief - overturned teapots and broken vases - in silence. Therefore, my mother was happy with my sound. And in case it was necessary to quickly shut me up for a few minutes in order to make a phone call, for example, my mother used a simple trick. She sat me down on a stool and told me to fold my lips into a bow and sit like that for a minute. Because then I will one day have a beautiful mouth. The mouth has grown like a mouth, but the technique is good - I have already tested it on my daughter.

Oksana Ioffe, daughter Irina (9 years old), son Andrey (5 years old)

I have noticed that my children like to hear stories about themselves. My son especially loves the theme “how little I was.” “How did you know that I would be with you? What did you say when you first saw me? How did you understand that I am your son and not someone else’s?” We often talk about this topic, and I noticed that it is very important to adhere to the “canonical” text. Since the details of the story, repeated many times, he remembers literally and perceives any deviations painfully. This seems to unnerve him, bringing chaos into the once and for all rebuilt picture of the world. There is also the topic “how little were you?” Modern children, even the most advanced ones, in my observation, are poorly oriented in time. For them, 1985 and 1895 are about the same thing. The infinite is far away. And children listen to the stories of eyewitnesses from those prehistoric times with bated breath. They ask a lot of questions, are amazed, and remember some details for a long time. I once said that in my early childhood collective farmers came to the market in carts, and I really surprised everyone. My modern children don’t even believe in the theoretical possibility of this – horses on the streets. But it’s normal for them to ask: “What was your favorite computer game?”, “What game console did you have,” “What was your favorite arcade game machine?” And I was horrified to hear that I didn’t even have a VCR and on a weekday the cartoon could only be watched in the program “ Good night, kids."

Simple Rules for Maintaining a Great Relationship with Your Children

Gippenreiter's book is based on the ideas of Thomas Gordon, outlined in his books Parent Activity Training (1970) and Teacher Activity Training (1975). The book is supplemented with ideas and practical applications developed by other authors in foreign and domestic psychology (from domestic scientists - primarily L.S. Vygotsky, A.N. Leontyev, P.Ya. Galperin).

Psychologists have discovered a very important pattern: the majority of those parents who seek psychological help for difficult children themselves suffered from conflicts with their own parents in childhood.

Experts came to the conclusion that style parental interaction involuntarily “recorded” (imprinted) in the child’s psyche. This happens very early, even in preschool age, and, as a rule, unconsciously.

Having become an adult, a person reproduces it as natural: most parents raise their children the way they themselves were raised in childhood.

“No one bothered with me, and that’s okay, I grew up,” says dad, not noticing that he grew up as a person who does not consider it necessary and does not know how to deal with his son, to establish warm friendly relations with him.

Another part of parents is more or less aware of what exactly proper upbringing consists of, but experiences difficulties in practice. It happens that theoretical knowledge brings harm to parents: they learn that they are doing “everything wrong”, try to behave in a new way, quickly “break down”, lose confidence in their abilities, blame and stigmatize themselves, and even take out their irritation on their children .

From all that has been said, a conclusion should be drawn: parents need to not only educate, but also teach ways to properly communicate with children.

Lesson I: Unconditional Acceptance

Unconditionally accept the child- means loving him not because he is handsome, smart, capable, an excellent student, etc., but simply because he is!

Parents say: “If you are good, then I will love you.” Or: “Don’t expect good things from me until you stop...(being lazy, fighting, being rude), start...(studying well, helping around the house).”

These phrases directly tell the child that he is accepted conditionally, that he is loved or will be loved, "if only...".

The reason for the evaluative attitude towards children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational means. Praise a child and he will strengthen in goodness; punish him and evil will retreat. But there is a pattern: The more a child is scolded, the worse he becomes.

If, despite the pranks, you love children, they will grow up and give up bad habits and actions. They will always respect themselves, they will have a sense of inner peace and balance. This will allow them to control their behavior and reduce anxiety.

Otherwise (if you love children only when they are obedient and make you happy), children will not feel sincere love, they will become insecure, this will lower their self-esteem, lead to inferiority, and may prevent them from developing better side, children will think that it is useless for them to try to please adults.

Psychologists have proven that the need for love, to belong, that is, to be needed by another, one of the fundamental human needs. Its satisfaction is a necessary condition for the normal development of the child. This need is satisfied when you tell your child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is simply good. Such messages are contained in friendly glances, affectionate touches, and direct words.

Enjoy your child. Close your eyes for a minute and imagine that you are meeting your best friend. How do you show that you are happy with him, that he is dear and close to you?

Now it will be easier for you to do this in reality, before any other words and questions: your own child comes home from school and you show that you are glad to see him. It's good if you all continue this meeting in the same spirit for a few more minutes.

Hug your baby at least 4 times a day (morning greetings and a kiss goodnight doesn't count). 4 hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone simply for survival, and for good health you need at least 8 hugs a day! Not only for a child, but also for an adult.

Sweet words . It is necessary to tell the child: “It’s so good that you were born with us”, “I’m glad to see you”, “I like you”, “I love when you are at home”, “I feel good when we are together...”.

We don’t always follow our messages to children: “not like that,” “bad,” “everyone gets bored,” “a real punishment,” “I’m better off without you.” Children literally understand us! They are sincere in their feelings, and impart absolute sincerity to any phrase spoken by an adult.

Children experience resentment, loneliness, and sometimes despair. It seems to them that their parents are “not friends” with them, never speak “humanly”, “poke”, “yell”, use only imperative verbs: “do it!”, “take it away!”, “bring it!”, “ Wash it!” The more often parents get annoyed with the child, pull him back, criticize him, the faster he comes to the generalization: “They don’t like me.”

Children do not hear the parents’ arguments: “I care about you” or “For your own good.” More precisely, they can hear the words, but not their meaning. They have their own emotional accounting.

Tone is more important than words, and if it is harsh, angry or simply strict, then the conclusion is always clear: “They don’t love me, they don’t accept me.” Sometimes this is expressed for the child not so much in words as in a feeling of being bad, “not like that,” and unhappy.

See how successful you are in accepting your child: During the day, count how many times you addressed your child with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many times with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative calls is equal to or outweighs the number of positive ones, then all is not well with your communication.

Let's try to understand what reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting their child

Educational attitude

“How can I hug him if he hasn’t learned his lessons yet? First discipline, and then good relationships. Otherwise I’ll ruin it.”

Mom, for “pedagogical reasons,” takes the path of critical comments and ends up in a vicious circle of discontent and conflicts. Where is the mistake? The mistake is at the very beginning: discipline is not before, but after the establishment of good relationships, and only on the basis of them.

The child was born unplanned

My parents wanted to live for “their own pleasure,” so they didn’t really need him.

We dreamed of a boy, but a girl was born.

The child is responsible for the broken marital relationship

For example, the son looks like his father, his gestures and facial expressions evoke deep hostility in the mother.

Increased educational attitude of the parent

An attempt to compensate for one’s failures in life, unfulfilled dreams or desires, to prove to one’s spouse one’s necessity, irreplaceability, the “heaviness of the burden” that one has to bear.

Lesson II. Parents helping their child. Carefully!

The child cannot cope independently

What to do in cases when a child does “the WRONG” thing, does not listen, is annoying, or does something “wrong”, badly, with mistakes. You want to intervene, teach, show.

In general, different children react differently to their parents’ “it shouldn’t be this way, but this way”: some become sad and lost, others are offended, others rebel: “If it’s bad, I won’t do it at all!” The reactions seem to be different, but they all show that children do not like such treatment.

Why? Many things seem simple to us. But when we show and impose this “simplicity” on a child for whom it is actually difficult, we are acting unfairly. The child has the right to be offended by us!

How to correctly point out mistakes in order to teach?

Knowledge of errors is useful and often necessary, but they must be pointed out with extreme caution. First, you shouldn't notice every mistake; secondly, it is better to discuss the mistake later, in a calm atmosphere, and not at the moment when the child is passionate about the matter; finally, comments should always be made against the background of general approval.

A child is more tolerant of his mistakes than adults. He is already pleased that he is doing something. We, parents, with comments want to quickly achieve best results. But it often turns out quite the opposite.

Rule 1. Do not interfere in the child’s business if he does not ask for help. By your non-interference you will tell him: “You’re okay! Of course you can handle it."

List of independent tasks

Make a list of things for your child that he can, in principle, handle on his own, although not always perfectly.

Entrust your child with several tasks and try not to interfere with them even once. Encourage your child's efforts, regardless of the outcome.

Discuss your child's mistakes: remember 2-3 mistakes, especially annoying ones. Find the time and appropriate tone to talk about them.

Four results of the exercise

1. The knowledge he will gain or the skill he will master.
2. Training the general ability to learn, that is, to teach oneself (less obvious result).
3. Emotional trace from the activity: satisfaction or disappointment, confidence or lack of confidence in one’s abilities.
4. A mark on your relationship with him if you took part in the classes. Here the result can also be either positive (we were satisfied with each other) or negative (the piggy bank of mutual dissatisfaction was replenished).

Remember, parents face the danger of focusing only on the first result (learned? Learned?). Never forget about the other three. They are much more important.

Do not criticize or correct the child. And if you also show sincere interest in his business, you will feel how mutual respect and acceptance will increase each other, so necessary for both you and him.

Lesson III To-do zone together

When a child needs help

If a child has encountered a serious difficulty that he cannot cope with on his own, then the position of non-intervention is not suitable, it can only bring harm.

Rule 2. If a child is having a hard time and is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him. In this case: 1. Take upon yourself only what he cannot do himself, leave the rest to him to do himself. 2. As your child masters new actions, gradually transfer them to him.

Rules 1 and 2 do not contradict each other, but simply apply to different situations. In situations where Rule 1 applies, the child does not ask for help and even protests when it is provided. Rule 2 is used if the child either directly asks for help, or complains that he “doesn’t work out”, “doesn’t work out”, that he “doesn’t know how”, or even abandons the work he started after the first failures. Any of these manifestations is a signal that he need help.

Let's go together: it's very good to start with these words. These magic words will open the door to a child’s world of new skills, knowledge, and hobbies.

Child's zone of proximal development

This rule is based on the psychological law discovered by L.S. Vygotsky’s “zone of proximal development of the child.” At each age, each child has a limited range of tasks that he can handle on his own. Outside this circle are things that are accessible to him only with the participation of an adult or that are not available at all.

Children are usually active, and they constantly strive to take over what you do. Tomorrow the child will do on his own what he did with his mother today. The area of ​​activities together is the child’s gold reserve, his potential for the future.

The child’s desire to conquer more and more new “territories” of affairs is very important, and it should be protected like the apple of his eye. Be sure to celebrate your child’s first, even small independent successes, and congratulate him (and yourself at the same time!).

As your child masters new actions, gradually introduce them to him.

How to protect your child’s natural activity? How not to clog it, not to drown it out?

It turns out that parents face a double danger:

Danger 1. shifting your part to the child too early;

Danger 2: too long and persistent participation of the parent.

Lesson IV. Lesson four. “What if he doesn’t want to?”

About difficulties and conflicts of interaction and how to avoid them

A typical problem: the child has completely mastered many obligatory tasks, but he does not do all of them.

Reasons for “disobedience”:

1. You may not have gone all the way with him yet. After all, it seems to you that it’s easy for him alone to put all the toys in their places. Probably, if he asks “let’s go together,” then it’s not in vain: perhaps he It's still hard to organize yourself.

2. Maybe he just needs yours participation, moral support.

3. The root of negative persistence and refusal lies in negative experiences. This may be a problem for the child himself, but more often it arises between you and the child, in your relationship with him.

“I would have washed the dishes long ago, but then my parents would have thought that they had defeated me.”

How to correct the situation with disobedience?

Friendly, warm tone. This is the main condition for success, and if your participation does not help, if the child refuses your help, stop and listen to how you communicate with him.

Communication as equals. Together means equal. You should not take a position over the child; children are very sensitive to it, and all the living forces of their soul rebel against it. Then they resist the “necessary,” disagree with the “obvious,” and dispute the “indisputable.”

Method L.S. Vygodsky’s idea to rid the child and himself of “guidance” is confirmed by scientific and practical research.

External means of the organization. A child learns to organize himself and his affairs more easily and quickly if he is helped at a certain stage by some external means: pictures for reminders, a to-do list, notes, diagrams or written instructions.

Such means are no longer the words of an adult, they are their replacement. The child can use them independently, and then he is halfway to handling the task himself.

Come up with some external means that could replace your participation in this or that child’s activity. This could be an alarm clock, a rule or agreement, a table, a list of morning tasks or necessary clothes in pictures, a special board on which each family member (mom, dad and two schoolchildren) can pin any of their messages (reminders, requests, just short information, dissatisfaction with someone or something, gratitude for something).

Overly caring parents: they want more for their children than the children themselves. It happens that a parent is ready to teach or help as much as he wants and watches his tone - he doesn’t get angry, doesn’t order, doesn’t criticize, but things don’t go well. Parents want something, so to speak, instead of a child. It’s hard to want when both dad and mom “run ahead” of your every desire!

The combination of too much educational activity of parents and infantilism, i.e. immaturity, children - typical and natural. Why?

The child’s personality and abilities develop only in those activities that he engages in of his own free will and with interest.

“You can drag a horse into water, but you cannot force it to drink,” says a wise proverb. The more persistent the parent is, the more unloved even the most interesting, useful and necessary school subject will be.

For love or for money? Faced with a child’s reluctance to do anything he’s supposed to do - study, read, help around the house - some parents take the path of “bribery.” They agree to “pay” the child (money, things, pleasures) if he does what they want him to do.

This path is very dangerous, not to mention the fact that it is ineffective. Usually it ends with the child’s claims growing - he begins to demand more and more - but the promised changes in his behavior do not happen.

Why? To understand the reason, we need to get acquainted with a very subtle psychological mechanism, which only recently became the subject of special research by psychologists. In one experiment, a group of students were paid to play a puzzle game that they were passionate about. Soon the students in this group began to play noticeably less often than their comrades who did not receive any payment.

The mechanism here, as well as in many similar cases (everyday examples and scientific research), is as follows: a person successfully and enthusiastically does what he chooses, out of inner motivation. If he knows that he will receive payment or reward for this, then his enthusiasm decreases, and his entire activity changes in character: now he is busy not with “personal creativity”, but with “making money.”

How to avoid situations and conflicts of coercion?

Coercion conflicts arise when a child does not do what he “should” do, and this spoils the mood for both. How to get things done?

First of all, you should take a closer look at what your child is most interested in. Some activities will seem empty, even harmful. However, remember: for him they are important and interesting and should be treated with respect. It’s even better if you can take part in these activities and share his passion.

It’s good if your child tells you what exactly is interesting and important for him in these matters, and you can look at them through his eyes, as if from the inside of his life, avoiding advice and assessments. It’s very good if you can take part in your child’s activities and share his passion. Children in such cases are very grateful to their parents.

There will be another result of such participation: in the wake of your child’s interest, you can begin to pass on to him what you consider useful: additional knowledge, life experience, your view of things, and even an interest in reading.

Many activities that are offered to children by parents or teachers, and even with demands and reproaches: they do not survive. At the same time they are good “grafted” into existing hobbies.

Rule 3. Gradually but steadily relieve yourself of care and responsibility for your child’s personal affairs and transfer them to him.

Transferring responsibility for your affairs, actions, and then your future life is the greatest concern you can show towards them. This concern is wise. It makes the child stronger and more confident, and your relationship more calm and joyful.

Take a sheet of paper, divide it vertically in half “Alone” “Together”. List all matters together by agreement. See what can be moved from the “Together” column to “By myself”. Remember, each such room is an important step towards the child’s growing up.

The process of transferring responsibility to the child of his case is very difficult. It has to start with the little things. But even about these little things, parents are very worried, because they have to risk the temporary well-being of their child.

Rule 4. Unless it is life or health threatening, allow your child to face the unpleasant negative consequences of their actions (or inactions). Only then will he become conscious.

We have to deliberately let children make mistakes so that they learn to be independent.

You don’t always need to help your child with action: sometimes you can just sit next to him and listen. Even silence can help.

“What if, despite all my suffering, nothing works out: he (she) doesn’t want anything, doesn’t do anything, fights with us, and we can’t stand it?”- Be patient and continue to follow the rules! The result will come, don’t lose hope.

Lesson V. Active Listening

When a child is upset, offended, failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he was treated rudely, unfairly, when he is very tired, you cannot help him with practical actions - to show, teach, guide.

If a child has an emotional problem, he needs to be actively listened to. Actively listening to a child means “returning” to him in a conversation what he told you, while identifying, calling “by name” his feeling or experience.

You cannot leave a child alone with his experiences. After all, with their advice and critical remarks, parents seem to tell the child that his experience is unimportant, it is not taken into account.

You need to let him know that you know about his experience (state), “you hear him.” Answers based on the method of active listening show that the parent understands the child’s internal situation, is ready to hear more about it, and accept it.

Such literal sympathy from a parent makes a very special impression on the child. Parents who demanded to “voice” their child’s feelings talk about unexpected, miraculous results.

Rules of conversation using the method of active listening.

1. If you want to listen to your child, be sure to turn to face him.

2. It is important that his and yours the eyes were at the same level.

Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and strongest signals about how ready you are to listen and hear him.

3. If you are talking to an upset or distressed child, you shouldn't ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers sound in affirmative form.

Son (with a gloomy look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
Parent: You were very offended by him.

This phrase is apt. It shows that the parent is tuned in to the “emotional wave” of his son, that he hears and accepts his grief. "And what happened?" or “Are you offended by him?” - phrases framed as a question and do not reflect sympathy.

4. Very important in conversation “keep a pause”. After each remark, it is best to remain silent.

This time belongs to the child; Don’t bother him with your thoughts and comments. A pause helps the child understand his experience and feel more fully that you are nearby. It’s good to remain silent after the child’s answer - maybe he will add something. If the child’s eyes do not look at you, but to the side or into the distance, then continue to be silent, very important and necessary internal work is happening in him.

5. If the child has provided enough information, it is sometimes helpful repeat what, as you understand, happened to the child, and then identify - call “by name” his feeling or experience in an affirmative form.

Sometimes parents fear that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as mimicking. This can be avoided by using other words with the same meaning.

SON (with a gloomy look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
FATHER: You don’t want to be friends with him anymore. (Repeat what was heard).
SON: Yes, I don’t want to...
FATHER (after a pause): You were offended by him... (Designation of feelings).

Of course, it may happen that in your answer you did not accurately guess the event that happened or the child’s feeling. Don't be embarrassed, he will correct you in the next sentence. Be attentive to his amendment and show that you accept it.

Possible feelings: you were upset and offended, you were hurt and angry, you were embarrassed and annoyed, you were scared.

Results of the conversation using the method of active listening

Conversation using active listening is very unusual in our culture and is not easy to conduct. However, this method will quickly win your favor when you see the results it produces:

1. The child’s negative experience disappears or weakens. A remarkable pattern: shared joy doubles, shared grief is halved.

2. The child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to tell more and more about himself. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and sorrows unexpectedly unwinds. How often do we leave children alone with the burden of their experiences, when a few minutes of listening would calm the child down.

3. The child himself moves forward in solving his problem. Positive results can be detected already during the conversation when the child is actively listening. Gradually, parents begin to detect changes of a more general nature.

Children are transformed: Parents report that it is a miracle that their children themselves quickly begin to actively listen to them.

Parents are transformed: parents notice something new in themselves; They become more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, and more easily accept his “negative” feelings. Parents begin to find more patience in themselves, become less irritated, and better see how and why the child feels bad. Many parents report that active listening helped them connect with their children for the first time.

Is it necessary to respond in expanded phrases when listening to a child? Not at all necessary. Sometimes children talk about everything that happened without closing their mouths. Then all the child needs is your presence and attention. Psychologists called this method "passive listening"- passive, of course, only externally. Used here short phrases and words, interjections, just facial signs that indicate that you are listening and responding to children’s feelings: “Yes, yes...”, “Aha!”, “Really?”, “Tell me more...”, “Interesting,” “ That’s what you said!”, “Just about...”, “So what?”, “Wonderful!”, “Wow!..”, etc. Short words are also appropriate when talking about negative experiences.

How to listen to a child if you have no time? How to interrupt it? If you don't have time, it's better not to start. You need to have some extra time. Started and interrupted attempts to listen to a child can only result in disappointment. The worst thing is when a conversation that started well is abruptly ended by a parent. When such cases are repeated, the child may only grow distrust of his father, and he will begin to evaluate attempts at active listening as a way to gain his trust, so that later he can hit him harder. Such mistakes are especially dangerous if you have not yet had good contact with your child and you are only taking the first steps.

A common misconception among parents is that active listening is a way to get from a child what you want from him (for example, getting him to do his homework). Not at all, active listening is a way to establish better contact with a child, a way to show that you unconditionally accept him with all his refusals, troubles, and experiences. If the child suspects that you are hoping to influence him “in your favor” in some new way, then resistance to your attempts will only increase.

Lesson VI. 12 against one

Obstacles to a child's active listening

Psychologists have identified types of traditional parental statements (automatic responses) that are real obstacles to the child’s active listening.

1. Orders, commands:“Stop it now!”, “Put it away!”, “Take the bucket out!”, “Get to bed quickly!”, “So I don’t hear this again!”, “Shut up!”
In these categorical phrases, the child hears the parents’ reluctance to delve into his problem and feels disrespect for his independence. Such words evoke a feeling of powerlessness, or even abandonment “in trouble.”

In response, children usually resist, grumble, take offense, and become stubborn.

2. Warnings, cautions, threats:“If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave”, “Make sure it doesn’t get worse”, “This will happen again, and I’ll grab the belt!”, “If you don’t arrive on time, blame yourself.”

Threats are meaningless if the child is currently having an unpleasant experience. They will only drive him into a greater dead end.

When threats are repeated frequently, children get used to them and stop reacting to them. Then parents move from words to deeds, from weak punishments to stronger, sometimes cruel ones (belt).

3. Morals, teachings, sermons:“You must behave properly,” “Every person must work,” “You must respect adults.”

The endless repetition of tired phrases for the “hundred and first time” usually does not change anything. Children feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes guilt, sometimes boredom, and most often all combined.

The fact is that children are brought up not so much by words as by the atmosphere in the house. If everyone in the family works hard, refrains from using rude words, does not lie, and shares homework, then rest assured that the child knows how to behave correctly.

If a child violates the “norm of behavior,” then it is worth looking to see if anyone in the family behaves the same way. If this reason disappears, then most likely your child “goes beyond” due to his internal disorder and emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teachings are the worst way to help matters.

Does this mean that we shouldn’t talk to children about moral standards and rules of behavior? Not at all. However, this should not be done only in their quiet moments, and not in a heated situation. Otherwise, our words only add fuel to the fire.

4. Tips, ready-made solutions:“And you take it and say...”, “Why don’t you try...”, “In my opinion, you need to go and apologize,” “If I were you, I would give change.”

As a rule, we do not skimp on such advice. Moreover, we consider it our duty to give them to children. Often using myself as an example: “When I was your age...”

However, children are not inclined to listen to our advice. And sometimes they openly rebel: “You do it this way and I do it differently,” “It’s easy for you to say that!” ", "I know without you!"

What is behind a child’s negative reactions? The desire to be independent, to make decisions yourself. After all, we, adults, do not always like other people’s advice. And children are much more sensitive than us. Every time we advise a child on something, we seem to inform him that he is still small, inexperienced, and we are smarter than him, we know everything in advance.

The position of parents “from above” irritates children, and most importantly, it does not leave them with the desire to tell more about their problem.

Often children themselves come to the same conclusion that we previously tried to advise them! But they need to make a decision themselves - this is their path to independence. It is very important to give children this opportunity, although it is, of course, more difficult than giving advice.

5. Proof, logical arguments, notations, “lectures”:“It’s time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You get distracted endlessly, and that’s why you make mistakes”, “How many times have I told you! If you didn’t listen, you have yourself to blame.”

And here the children answer: “Leave me alone,” “Enough,” “As much as possible,” “Enough!” I'm sick of!".

At best, they stop hearing us, and a “semantic barrier” or “psychological deafness” arises.

6. Criticism, reprimands, accusations:“What does it look like!”, “I did everything wrong again!”, “It’s all because of you!”, “I shouldn’t have hoped for you,” “Forever you!..”.

Such phrases cannot play any educational role. They cause in children either active defense: attack, denial, anger; or despondency, depression, disappointment in oneself, and low self-esteem creates new problems.

Comments and commands become the main form of communication with the child.

Negative baggage of a child

Let's see how many commands and comments the child hears per day. Multiply these statements by amount of days, weeks, years, during which the child hears everything. You will end up with a huge baggage of negative impressions about yourself, and even from those closest to you. In order to somehow balance this burden, he has to prove to himself and his parents that he is worth something. The very first and easy way(it is suggested by the parental style) is to criticize the demands of the parents themselves. What can save the situation?

1. Try to pay attention not only to negative ones, but also to positive sides your child's behavior.

2. Don't be afraid that words of affirmation addressed to him will spoil him.

3. Sometimes parents think that the child already knows that he is loved, so it is not necessary to express positive feelings to him. It's not like that at all.

4. Does it occur to us that children interpret our behavior, words, and facial expressions so literally? Do we always take into account that children perceive the world in black and white: either definitely yes or definitely no?

5. You yourself would survive well in the conditions of constant bombardment of criticism from yourself loved one? We wouldn't wait kind words, wouldn’t you miss them?

7. Praise: “Well done, you’re just a genius!”, “You’re our most beautiful (capable, smart)!”, “You’re so brave, you don’t care.”

After all that has been said, the recommendation not to praise the child will sound strange. However, it is necessary to distinguish between praise and encouragement (approval): there is an element of evaluation in praise.

What's wrong with praise?

1. When a parent often praises, the child soon begins to understand: where there is praise, there is a reprimand. Praising in one thing, he will be condemned in another.

2. A child can become dependent on praise: wait for it, look for it. (“Why didn’t you praise me today?”)

3. Finally, he may suspect that you are insincere, i.e. praise for your own reasons. (It’s not true, you’re saying that on purpose so that I don’t get upset!)

OK

When reacting to successes, it is best to express your feelings by using the pronouns “I” or “me” instead of “you.” (I'm very happy! I liked so-and-so.)

8. Name-calling, ridicule:“Crybaby”, “Don’t be a noodle”, “Just a dumbass!”, “Lazy!”

All this - The best way push the child away and “help” him lose faith in himself. In such cases, children get offended and defend themselves: “What is she like?”, “Well, I’ll be like that.”

9. Guesses, “interpretations”:“I suppose he got into a fight again,” “I still see that you’re cheating again,” “I see right through you and even two meters below you!”

None of the kids (or even adults) like to be “figured out”? This can only be followed by a defensive reaction, a desire to avoid contact.

10. Questioning, investigation:“No, tell me anyway,” “What happened anyway? I’ll find out anyway,” “Why did you get a bad grade again?”, “Why are you silent?”

This type of error is close to guesswork, “interpretation.”

It is difficult to resist asking questions in a conversation. Still, it’s better to try to replace interrogative sentences with affirmative ones. The question sounds like cold curiosity, and the affirmative phrase sounds like understanding and participation.

11. Verbal sympathy, persuasion, exhortation.

Of course, the child needs sympathy, but not formal. In the phrases “Calm down”, “Don’t worry”, “Don’t pay attention”, “I understand you”, “I sympathize with you”, “It will grind, there will be torment”, the child can hear neglect of his concerns, denial or downplaying of his experiences.

Instead of a phrase, it is better to hold the child close to you.

12. Making jokes, avoiding conversation

Son: “You know, dad, I can’t stand this chemistry and I don’t understand anything about it.”
Dad: “We have so much in common!”

Dad shows a sense of humor, but the problem remains. And what can we say about such words as “Leave me alone”, “No time for you”, “You are always with your complaints.”

Habitual appeals or active listening to the child?

Habitual handling of advice and reproaches is also not “natural”, but empirically learned phrases.

Active listening is based on the principles of respect for the child’s personality, recognition of his rights to his own desires, feelings and mistakes, attention to his concerns, and rejection of the parental position “from above.”

All the types of answers we have discussed should not be used instead of active listening, that is, when a child has an emotional problem. If he is calm or if you feel that you already have emotional contact, then you can talk more freely: ask questions, give advice, and so on.

What if a child persistently demands the impossible, and at the same time cries or is very upset? Still, try to actively listen to him. Your first phrases in which he hears your participation may soften the situation somewhat. After this, try to dream with him about the impossible.

Lesson VII Feelings of parents. How to take off?

We, parents, are also worried and angry, tired and offended. We too find it difficult with children, sometimes even painful...

First, let's clarify what situations we are talking about. Most likely about those where the parent is more worried. In other words, these situations are the opposite of those we have dealt with so far when discussing the child's emotional problems.

By depicting the emotions of a parent and a child in the form of two “glasses,” we get two situations. When a child experiences more, his “glass” is full; the parent is relatively calm, the level in his “glass” is low. And another situation: the parent is filled with emotions, but the child is not particularly worried.

Rule 5. If your child’s behavior causes you negative feelings, tell him about it.

“If I accept a child, does that mean I should never be angry with him?” No, that doesn't mean it. Under no circumstances should you hide, let alone accumulate, your negative feelings. They must be expressed, but expressed in a special way.

Under no circumstances should you keep negative feelings to yourself: you should not silently endure resentment, suppress anger, or maintain a calm appearance when you are very nervous.

With such efforts you will not be able to deceive anyone: neither yourself nor your child, because more than 90% of information about our internal state. And it is very difficult to control them; it “breaks through” and results in harsh words or actions.

How to tell your child about your feelings so that it is not destructive either for him or for you?

Rule 6. When you talk about your feelings to your child, speak in the first person: talk about yourself and your experience, not about him and his behavior.

I-messages

Proposals must contain personal pronouns: I, me, me.

“What a look you have!” vs. “I don’t like it when children walk around disheveled, and I’m embarrassed by the looks of my neighbors.”

"Stop crawling around here, you're in the way." vs. “It’s hard for me to get ready for work when someone is crawling under my feet, and I keep tripping.”

"Could you keep your voice down." vs. "Loud music really tires me out."

The difference between “I” and “you” messages is small. However, in response to the “you-message” the child is offended, defensive, and insolent. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them. After all, every “you-message” essentially contains an attack, accusation or criticism.

“I-message” has a number of advantages:

It allows you to express negative feelings in a form that is harmless to the child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger to avoid conflict. However, this does not lead to the desired result. It is impossible to completely suppress your emotions; children can be subtle and observant “psychologists”: the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, withdrawn, or start an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace, there is war.

2. “I-message” gives children the opportunity to get to know us, parents, better. We often shield ourselves from children with the armor of “authority,” which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the “teacher” mask and are afraid to lift it even for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that Mom and Dad can feel something! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes the adult closer, more humane.

3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become more sincere and begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can also be trusted.

4. By expressing our feelings without orders or reprimands, we leave the children the opportunity to make their own decisions. And then they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

Mistakes to avoid:

1. Starting with the “I-message,” parents end the phrase with the “You-message”: I don’t like that you’re such a slob or “That whining of yours annoys me!”

You can avoid the mistake if you use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, generalizing words: “It annoys me when children whine.” or “I don’t like it when people sit at the table with dirty hands.”

2. The following mistake is caused by the fear of expressing feeling of true strength. For example, if you are horrified at the sight of your son hitting his little brother on the head with a cube, then your exclamation should express the strength of this feeling. The phrase “I don’t like it when boys do that” is in no way suitable here; the child will feel the falseness.

Rule 7. Do not demand from your child the impossible or difficult to achieve. Instead, look at what you can change in your environment.

Change the conditions and the problems will disappear: some parents put temporary barriers on the windows, remove everything breakable higher up, remove expensive furniture from the room so that the child can move freely, stick cheap wallpaper in his room reverse side so he can draw on them.

Rule 8. To avoid unnecessary problems or conflicts, balance your own expectations with the child’s capabilities.

It is useless to demand from a child the impossible or very difficult, for which he is not yet ready. It’s better to change something outside of it, in this case, your expectations.

For example, it is impossible for a five-year-old boy to stand in line for a long time in one place.

All parents have expectations about what their child can or should already do and what they should not do. If expectations are too high, the result is negative parental experiences.

This does not mean that we should not “raise the bar” for the child, i.e. cultivate in him a practical mind, responsibility, obedience. This must be done at any age. But don't set the bar too high. And the main thing is to monitor your reaction. Knowing that your child is mastering new heights and misfires are inevitable can significantly increase your tolerance and allow you to be more relaxed about his failures.

Rule 9. Do not try to take credit for your child's emotional problems.

We are talking about the child’s experiences and ours. excessive excitement about children.

Have you ever heard from children: “Stop crying (being nervous, panicking), You’re only bothering me with this!”?

Behind this is the need for children to separate emotionally from their parents: to learn to be independent in the face of tense and even dangerous situations. Of course, they may need our participation, but delicate, unobtrusive participation.

What to do with your own experiences? Sooner or later you have to take risks: letting your son go alone across the street for the first time, allowing your growing daughter to meet New Year in the company of peers. Our concern is justified, and we must, of course, take all precautions within our power. But how to talk to a child?

When a child faces a real test, it is easier for him to make a choice if he knows about our love, about our concern. The “I-message” will not give him a reason to do “out of spite”, in his own way, to commit a hasty, rash act.

What if the “I-message” doesn’t work? Does your child not listen? We should not think that the “I-message” and other methods that we are mastering are new ways to quickly achieve practical results. For example, force the child to learn his homework, wear a scarf, or refuse to go to the cinema. Their purpose is completely different: to establish contact with the child, improve mutual understanding with him, and help him gain independence and responsibility. As you can see, the goals are more distant and much more general.

How do I send an “I message” if I am very angry or angry with my child? Psychologists believe that anger is most often a secondary feeling. It arises on the basis of some other, primary experience. Therefore, if you want to throw an angry phrase at your child, wait and try to give yourself an account of the original feeling.

For example, a child was very rude to you. Your first reaction may be resentment and pain. You heard about him on parent meeting many unflattering words and experienced bitterness, disappointment, grief, shame. The baby returns three hours late, leaving you terribly worried. The first feeling is joy and relief! It is best to express these first feelings: “ God bless! You're safe! I worried so much!»

Lesson VIII How to Resolve Conflicts

How and why do conflicts arise between parents and children? Obviously, the matter is a clash of interests between the parent and the child. Satisfying the desires of one party means infringing on the interests of the other and causes strong negative feelings: irritation, resentment, anger.

For example: Suddenly it turns out that there is no bread in the house. Mom asks her daughter to go to the store. But that one is about to start sports section, and she doesn't want to be late. The mother asks to “get into her position”, the daughter does the same.

When interests collide, a problem arises for both the child and the parent. Both glasses are filled to the brim.

It is impossible not to lead to conflicts at all: no one is immune from the fact that our and our child’s desires will one day diverge.

Unconstructive ways to resolve conflicts

When contradictions begin, some parents see no other way out but to insist on their own, while others believe that it is better to give in and keep the peace.

This gives rise to two unconstructive ways of resolving conflicts, which are collectively known as “Only One Wins.”

Parent wins

Parents who are inclined to use this method believe that it is necessary to defeat the child and break his resistance. If you give him free rein, he will “sit on your neck”, “will do what he wants.”

Without noticing it themselves, they show children a dubious example of behavior: “always get your way, regardless of the desires of others.” And children are very sensitive to the manners of their parents and early childhood they are imitated. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. It’s as if they are returning to the adults the lesson they were taught, and then “the scythe lands on the stone.”

There is another version of this method: gently but unpersistently demand that the child fulfill his desire. This is often accompanied by explanations that the child eventually agrees with. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of parents, with the help of which they achieve their goal, the child learns another rule: “My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, I still have to do what my parents want or demand.” In some families, children are defeated for years. They grow up either aggressive or passive. But in both cases, they accumulate anger, resentment, and the relationship cannot be called close and trusting.

Only the child wins

Along this path are parents who are either afraid of conflicts, or are ready to constantly sacrifice themselves “for the good of the child,” or both.

In these cases, children grow up as egoists, not accustomed to order, and unable to organize themselves. All this may not be so noticeable within the limits of family “general compliance,” but as soon as they leave the doors of the house and join in some common cause, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them anymore. With their high demands on others and their inability to meet others halfway, they remain alone and often face ridicule and even rejection.

In such a family, parents accumulate deep dissatisfaction with their own child and their fate. In old age, “eternally compliant” adults often find themselves lonely and abandoned.

Conclusion: improperly resolved family conflicts, large and small, inevitably give an “accumulation effect.” And under its influence, character traits are formed, which then turn into the fate of children and parents. Therefore, it is very important to carefully consider every conflict of interest between you and your child.

Constructive way to resolve conflicts: Both parties win: both parent and child

This way of successfully resolving their conflict is based on two communication skills: active listening and “I-message”.

Step 1. Clarifying the conflict situation

First, the parent listens to the child. Clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or doesn’t want, what he needs or is important, what makes it difficult for him, etc.

He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the child’s desire, need or difficulty. After this, he talks about his desire or problem using the form of “I-message”.

You need to start by listening to the child. Once your child has made sure that you hear his problem, he will be much more willing to hear yours, and will also participate in finding a joint solution.

As soon as the adult begins to actively listen to the child, the severity of the brewing conflict subsides. What at first seems like “simple stubbornness” begins to be perceived by the parent as a problem worthy of attention. Then there is a willingness to meet the child halfway.

After listening to the child, you need to tell him about your desire or problem. This is a very important moment. It is no less important for your child to learn more and more accurately about your experience than for you to learn about his. Make sure that your statement is in the form of an “I message” and not a “You message.”

For example: It’s hard and offensive for me to manage the house alone (instead of: “You all put the burden on me”), It’s hard for me to walk so fast (instead of: “You completely drove me”) - You know, I was really looking forward to this program (instead of: “Don’t you know that I watch it every day?!”).

Sending an accurate “I-message” in a conflict situation is also important for another reason: the adult has to think about what exactly his need is infringed by the actions or desires of the child. For example: the son decided to spend the saved money on chewing gum and stamps. However, his parents wanted him to buy a game instead of chewing gum. What personal need of the parents would be infringed if the boy bought gum? Yes, none! This means that there were simply no grounds for conflict.

It is forbidden. Unfortunately, quite often parents resort to prohibitions without thinking. “You can’t do that!” And if a child asks why not, then they add: We don’t have to report to you.”

Often behind this “you can’t” there is nothing more than to assert your power or support your parental authority. If you try to account for at least yourself, it may turn out that behind this “you can’t” there is nothing more than a desire to assert your power or support your parental authority.

What if the child is in danger, and he insists on his own? If the life of a child depends on the urgency of your actions, then, of course, you need to act energetically, avoiding objections. However, orders and prohibitions are not suitable as the main methods of preventing any danger that is not fully understood by the child. A dispute often flares up around the following question: should a child be allowed to touch a burning candle if he does not listen to the word “no” and continues to reach for the fire? And the older the children, the more expensive the cost of acquiring their own experience can become.

Of course, there is no universal answer here. But it is worth remembering that by systematically protecting children from danger, we may be exposing them to even greater danger, because we are depriving them of responsibility for their actions. At the same time, the successful practice of joint conflict resolution can serve as a good school for instilling vigilance and prudence in a child.

Step 2. Collecting proposals

This stage begins with the question: “What should we do?”, “What should we come up with?”, or: “What should we do?”

After this, you must wait, give the child the opportunity to be the first to offer a solution (or solutions), and only then offer his own options. At the same time, not a single proposal, even the most inappropriate one from your point of view, is rejected out of hand. At first, proposals are simply typed into the basket. If there are a lot of sentences, you can write them down on a piece of paper.

Step 3. Evaluating proposals and choosing the most acceptable one

At this stage, a joint discussion of proposals takes place. By this time, the “parties” already know each other’s interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

First, every participant is heard. Secondly, everyone understands the situation of the other. Thirdly, there is no irritation or resentment between the “parties”. Fourthly, there is an opportunity to realize your true desires. The guys get a great lesson on how to solve “difficult” issues together. The practice of parents shows that when such situations are repeated, peaceful resolution of disputes becomes commonplace for children.

What if Can't find a solution that suits everyone? The fear of not finding a solution acceptable to everyone is, as a rule, not confirmed. The method assumes the interest of both parties in a joint decision. In this case, ingenuity and a willingness to meet each other halfway are awakened.

Step 4. Detailing the decision made

Suppose the family decided that their son is already old, and it’s time for him to get up on his own, have breakfast and go to school. This will free mom from early worries and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep.

However, one solution is not enough. You need to teach your child how to use an alarm clock, show where what food is, how to heat up breakfast, etc.

Step 5. Execute the solution, check

Let's take this example: the family decided to relieve the mother's workload and divide household chores more evenly. Having gone through all the stages, we came to a certain decision. It would be nice to write it down on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall.

Suppose the eldest son had the following responsibilities: taking out the garbage, washing dishes in the evenings, buying bread and taking younger brother to the garden. If used to be a boy If you didn’t do all this regularly, then failures are possible at first.

You shouldn’t blame him for every failure. It's better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment, when he and you have time and no one is annoyed, you can ask: “So, how are things going with you? Is it working out?"

Better; if the child himself speaks about failures. There may be too many of them. Then it’s worth clarifying what, in his opinion, is the reason.

Maybe something was left out, or some help is needed; or he would prefer another, “more responsible” assignment.

In conclusion, I note that this method does not leave anyone with a feeling of failure. On the contrary, it invites cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

How to behave if a conflict breaks out between children? The worst thing is if a parent adds his own raised voice to the rising cry: “Stop it now!”, “Here I am now both of you...” Perhaps even worse is if he takes the side of one of the children; as a rule, it turns out to be the youngest. This can lead to the younger one being spoiled and the older one being persistently resentful and jealous.

In most cases, it's a good idea to leave the kids to figure it out themselves. You can send an “I-message” something like this: “I don’t like it when there is such a cry in the house,” “I like it when children sort out their own affairs.”

But there are times when a parent is drawn into resolving a child’s conflict as a mediator. Then the constructive method turns out to be very useful.

You need to start, of course, by listening to each side. It is very important to observe the following principle: if you are in this moment If you listen to one child, and he begins to feel that you are delving into his problem, let him know in some way that he will be listened to just as carefully. Rest assured, the other child is very jealous of the tone of your conversation, and the lack of reprimand and peaceful notes in your voice may lead him to the conclusion that your sympathies are on the side of the “enemy.” Therefore, when trying to listen to the experiences of one, it is good to send signals to the other with a look, touch, or nod of the head: “Yes, I remember about you too, and soon I will be ready to listen to you carefully.”

Authority and authoritarianism

An authoritarian is a person who strives for power and, using force, seeks submission from others. Authoritative is the one whose influence on the actions of others is based on recognition and respect for his opinion, his personal qualities: competence, fairness, etc.

For a small child, parents are beings whom he reveres and adores. In the eyes of the baby, dad is the strongest, smartest, fair; Mom is the most beautiful, kind, wonderful.

Parents have this authority simply because they are adults, and the child is still small, inept, and weak. He unconsciously “absorbs” from his parents all manners of behavior, tastes, views, values, and moral standards.

But over time, the balance of forces changes. There is an inevitable equalization of the capabilities of children and parents. A critical moment comes when the authority of parents ceases to rest on the advantages of adulthood.

What happens then? Parents face a dramatic choice between well-deserved authority and authoritarianism.

The path of authoritarianism is an absolutely dead end. Power, designed for unquestioning obedience or fear of punishment, ceases to operate. The child sooner or later enters into a struggle for independence. Sometimes it comes to open war. And the most dangerous thing is the feeling of being unable to turn back.

There is only one choice: to understand that the path of violence against a child is hopeless and sooner or later will lead to a break in the relationship. An adult loses authority if he begins to rely on prohibitions, pressure and orders. He maintains authority if he remains a model of strength and experience.

Lesson IX What about discipline?

Children not only need order and rules of behavior, they want and expect them. This creates a feeling of security and makes life understandable.

Children are sometimes more willing to maintain order than adults. The reason for this is the desire for the familiar, for daily rituals.

Children intuitively feel that their parents’ “no” is hiding their concern for them.

Children rebel not against the rules themselves, but against the ways they are “implemented.” How to find ways to discipline a child without conflict? This is the most difficult task of education; it determines whether a child will grow up to be an internally collected and responsible person or not.

Rules for maintaining conflict-free discipline

1. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be in the life of every child.

This is especially useful to remember for those parents who strive to upset their children as little as possible and avoid conflicts with them. As a result, they begin to follow the lead of their own child. This is a permissive parenting style.

2. There should not be too many rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) and they should be flexible.

This rule warns against the other extreme - education in the spirit of “tightening the screws,” i.e. authoritarian communication style.

Both rules, taken together, imply a special sense of proportion, a special wisdom of the parent in resolving questions about “can”, “should” and “cannot”.

4 color zones of child behavior

An image of the 4 color zones of a child’s behavior will help you find the middle ground between permissive and authoritarian styles: green, yellow, orange and red.

Green Zone

In green we place everything that the child is allowed at his own discretion or desire. For example, what toys to play with, when to sit down for homework, what club to join, who to be friends with...

Yellow zone

Relative freedom is in the yellow zone. He is allowed to act as he chooses, but within certain limits. but subject to certain rules. For example, you can sit down for your homework whenever you want, but finish your work by 8 pm. You can walk in your yard, but don’t go further.

This area is important because... this is where the child learns to internal discipline according to the mechanism from outside - inside. At first, the parent helps the child restrain immediate impulses, be careful and learn to control himself precisely with the help of the norms and rules that are established in the family. Gradually, getting used to these rules, the child follows them without much stress. However, this only happens if there are no ongoing conflicts around the rules.

Therefore, the child’s conflict-free acceptance of demands and restrictions should be the subject of your special concern. In each case, try to calmly (but briefly!) explain what caused your request. At the same time, be sure to emphasize what exactly remains for the child to freely choose. When children feel respected for their sense of freedom and independence, they are more likely to accept parental restrictions.

Orange zone

In the orange zone there are such actions of the child that adults do not welcome, but due to special circumstances they now allow.

We know that exceptions only confirm the rules; You should not be afraid of such exceptions if they are indeed rare and justified. But children are very grateful to their parents for their willingness to meet their special request. They are then even more willing to follow the rules in normal situations.

Red zone

In the red zone are the child’s actions that are unacceptable under any circumstances. These are our categorical “don’ts,” from which we make no exceptions.

You cannot hit, pinch or bite your mother, play with fire, break things, offend little ones... This list “grows up” with the child and brings him to serious moral standards and social prohibitions.
So, all the zones taken together tell us that the rule is different, and that it is quite possible to find a “golden mean” between the willingness to understand - and be firm, between flexibility - and inflexibility in the process of instilling discipline.

3. Parental requirements should not come into obvious conflict with the most important needs of the child.

Excessive activity of children. For example, parents are often annoyed by the “excessive” activity of their children: why do they need to run so much, jump, play noisily, climb trees, throw stones, draw on anything, grab everything, open it, take it apart..?

The answer is simple: all this and much more is a manifestation of natural and very important needs for the development of children in movement, cognition, and exercise. They need to move, explore, try much more than adults. Prohibiting such actions is like trying to block a deep river. It is better to take care to direct its flow in a convenient direction.

You can explore puddles, but only in high boots; You can also disassemble the watch, but only if it is old and has not been used for a long time; You can play ball, but not indoors and away from windows; You can even throw stones at a target if you take care that no one gets hurt.

School age . Starting from the age of ten or eleven, it becomes especially important for children to communicate with peers. They gather in groups, large or small, spend time outside the home more often, and consider the opinions of children more than adults.

Children often stop obeying their parents, and the consequences of this can be dangerous. To avoid complications, parents should be especially careful in the prohibitions “not to be friends,” “not to go,” “not to wear,” “not to participate...”

You need to be sure that the child does not perceive them as a threat to his status in the group of children. The worst thing for him is to become a “black sheep” or an object of ridicule, to be unaccepted or rejected by the guys. And if his position among his peers is on one side of the scale, and the parent’s “no” is on the other, then the first will most likely outweigh.

Patience and tolerance, and even a philosophical attitude will help you understand teenage fashion, words, expressions, music, hairstyles. Teenage fashion is like chicken pox - kids catch it and suffer it in a more or less serious form, and after 2 years they themselves smile, looking back.

Life values. What can parents do other than patience? A lot, and most importantly - to remain conductors of more general, enduring values: respect for the personality of another, nobility, honesty.

Many values ​​can be discussed with your child and implemented in your relationship with him. The child hopes so.

4. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be agreed upon by adults among themselves.

It is impossible for a child to learn the rules, to get used to discipline, when mom says one thing, dad says another, and grandma says something else. He gets used to achieving his goal by “splitting” the ranks of adults. Relationships between adult family members do not improve from this.

If one parent does not agree, it is better to remain silent, and then discuss without the child and come to a common opinion.

Consistency in following the rules is equally important. If your child went to bed at 10 pm instead of 9 for two days in a row, then on the third day it will be difficult for you to put him to bed on time; he will reasonably object that yesterday and the day before yesterday you “allowed” him.

It is worth remembering that children constantly test our demands “for strength” and, as a rule, accept only what cannot be shaken. Otherwise, they learn to insist, whine, and extort.

5. The tone in which demands or prohibitions are communicated should be friendly and explanatory rather than imperative.

Any prohibition is difficult for a child, and if it is pronounced in an angry or authoritative tone, it becomes doubly difficult.

Explanation of the reason. We have already said that the question “Why not?” You shouldn’t answer: “Because I said so,” “I command you so,” “You can’t, that’s all!” It is necessary to briefly explain: “It’s too late”, “It’s dangerous”, “It might break...”

The explanation should be short and repeated once. If the child asks again, it is not because he did not understand you, but because it is difficult for him to overcome his desire. What you've already learned will help here, such as active listening. Orders and “You-messages” aggravate the child’s resistance.

It is better to construct sentences in an impersonal form“They don’t play with matches” instead of “Don’t you dare play with matches!”; “They eat candy after lunch” instead of: “Put the candy back now!”; “A cat’s tail is not meant to be pulled,” instead of: “Stop torturing the cat!”

Discussion of possible difficulties. It can be very useful, anticipating a child’s difficulty in fulfilling a requirement, to discuss it in advance. You can offer a choice of other options. The child will gain a little more experience of conflict-free discipline.

Punishments. What to do if the child does not obey?

If you follow all 5 rules, the number of disobediences your child will experience will be reduced many times, if not disappear altogether.

And yet, no one is immune from misunderstandings, and there will come a time when you need to respond to clearly bad behavior.

Physical punishment

Physical punishment insults, embitters, intimidates and humiliates children. They have more negative results than positive ones.

The Natural Consequence of Disobedience

The natural consequence of disobedience is one of the types of punishment that comes from life itself, and is all the more valuable because In such cases, there is no one to blame but yourself.

A kid scratched by a cat, or a schoolboy who gets a bad grade for a lesson he didn’t learn, may for the first time feel the meaning and vital necessity of a parent’s demand.

We will still never be able to “lay straws” wherever our child might “fall.” But then, when he fails, you can help him a lot. Active listening is indispensable here: it helps the child draw his own conclusion from what happened.

You should not tell your child: “If you didn’t listen, blame yourself.” Firstly, the child remembers your warning very well, and secondly, he is now upset and deaf to comments; thirdly, it is difficult for him to admit his mistake, and he is ready to challenge your rightness.

Conditional consequences of disobedience

This type of punishment is more common and comes from the parent. It all starts with a warning: “if you don’t... then...”.

Such punishments are called conditional consequences of disobedience, because they follow naturally from the child’s actions, and are assigned by parents at their discretion.

Such punishments still cannot be avoided, but when applying them it is good to adhere to one very important rule.

6. It is better to punish a child by depriving him of good things than by doing bad things to him.

Children have a good sense of fairness: it is fair when a parent does not give them his time because he is upset or angry.

For example, children really appreciate such family traditions. When a parent pays special attention to them and is interesting with him, this is a real holiday for the child. However, if disobedience or misconduct occurs, the “holiday” on that day or that week is canceled.

And if the parent always has “no time”, all upbringing is limited to demands, comments and “minus” punishments? In such cases, achieving discipline is much more difficult. But the main thing is the danger of losing contact with the child: after all, mutual discontent, which is inevitable here, will accumulate and separate.

Joy Zone

You need to have a supply of big and small holidays. Come up with several activities with your child or several family activities, traditions that will create a zone of joy. Make some of these activities or tasks regular so that your child looks forward to them and knows that they will come unless he does something very wrong. Only cancel them if there has been a truly tangible misdeed and you are truly upset. However, do not threaten to cancel them over trifles.

The joy zone is the “golden fund” of your life with your child. It is at the same time the zone of proximal development, and the basis of your friendly communication with him, and a reserve of conflict-free discipline.

Naughty children.

If communication with your child brings you more worries and sorrows than joy, or has reached a dead end, do not despair!

It is customary to blame naughty children. They look for evil intent, strong genes, etc. In fact, the “difficult” ones usually include not the “worst”, but the especially sensitive and easily vulnerable. They “go off the rails” under the influence of life’s stresses and difficulties, reacting more strongly than more resilient children.

Hence the conclusion: a “difficult” child only needs help - and in no case criticism or punishment.

The reasons for a child’s persistent disobedience should be sought in the depths of his psyche. On the surface it seems that he “simply doesn’t listen”, “simply doesn’t want to understand”, but in fact the reason is different. And, as a rule, it is emotional, not rational. Moreover, it is not realized either by the adult or by the child himself. Hence the conclusion: you need to know such reasons.

Psychologists have identified 4 main causes of serious behavioral disorders in children

1. The fight for attention. If a child does not receive the right amount of attention that is necessary for normal emotional well-being, then he finds his own way to get it - disobedience.

A strong child's nature knows how to demand what is not given, although most often in a sharp, irritating form.

Parents continually look up from their work and make comments... We can’t say that this is very pleasant, but attention is still received. Better this than nothing.

2. The struggle for self-affirmation against excessive parental authority and guardianship. The famous “I do it myself” demand of a 2-year-old child persists throughout childhood, becoming especially acute in adolescents. Children are very sensitive to the infringement of this desire.

But it is especially difficult when parents communicate with them in the form of instructions, comments and concerns. Parents believe that this is how they instill in their children the right habits, teach them order, prevent mistakes, and generally educate them.

This is necessary, but the whole question is how to do it. If comments and advice are too frequent, orders and criticism are too harsh, and fears are too exaggerated, then the child begins to rebel. The teacher is faced with stubbornness, self-will, and contrary actions. The meaning of this behavior is to defend the right to show that he is an individual.

3. Desire for revenge. Children are offended by their parents. The reasons can be very different: parents are more attentive to the youngest; the mother separated from the father, and a stepfather appeared in the house; the child was separated from the family (admitted to the hospital, sent to his grandmother); parents fight all the time...

There are many and individual reasons for offense: a harsh remark, an unfulfilled promise, an unfair punishment...

And again, deep down in the soul, the child worries and suffers, but on the surface there are the same protests, disobedience, and poor performance at school.

The meaning of “bad” behavior in this case can be expressed as follows: “You did me bad - let it be bad for you too!..”

4. Loss of faith in your own success. A child experiences trouble in one area of ​​life, and failures arise in a completely different one.

For example: a child does not have good relationships in the class, and the consequence will be neglected studies; in another case, failure at school can lead to defiant behavior at home.

This “displacement of disadvantage” occurs due to the child’s low self-esteem. Having accumulated experience of failures and criticism addressed to him, he generally loses self-confidence. He comes to the conclusion: “There is no point in trying, nothing will work out anyway.”

This is in the soul, and by external behavior he shows: “I don’t care,” “Even if I’m bad,” “And I’ll be bad!”

The aspirations of difficult children are quite positive and natural, and express the need for the warmth and attention of their parents, recognition of the individual, a sense of justice, and a desire for success.

The trouble with “difficult” children is that, firstly, they suffer acutely from the non-fulfillment of these needs and, secondly, from attempts to fill this lack in ways that do not make up for anything.

They don’t know how to do it differently, and therefore any serious violation of a teenager’s behavior is a signal for help. By his behavior he tells us: “I feel bad! Help me!"

Parents' experiences are a mirror of the child's hidden emotional problem

A parent can help a child, but first you need to understand the underlying reason for disobedience.

The parent needs to pay attention to own feelings. What emotional reaction do you have when you disobey again? Amazing fact- parents' experiences are a mirror of the child's hidden emotional problem.

If a child fights for attention, the parent becomes irritated.
If there is opposition to the will of the parents, then the latter becomes angry.
If the hidden reason is revenge, then the parent’s response is resentment.
When a child deeply experiences his own troubles, the parent finds himself in the grip of a feeling of hopelessness, and sometimes despair.

Feelings are different and you can understand which one suits your case.

It turns out to be a vicious circle. The more an adult is dissatisfied, the bigger baby becomes convinced that his efforts have achieved their goal, and he resumes them with new energy.

The parent's job is to try not reacting in the usual way, that is, in the way the child expects from you and thereby break the vicious circle.
Emotions are activated almost automatically, especially in conflicts with “experience.” And yet it is possible to change the nature of communication! You can stop, if not the emotion, then a remark and punitive actions.

If it goes fight for attention, you need to find a way to show your child your positive attention to him: come up with some joint activities, games or walks.

As for habitual disobedience, it is better to ignore them. After some time, the child will discover that they do not work, and thanks to your positive attention, the need for them will no longer exist.

If the source of conflict is struggle for self-affirmation, then you should change your control over the child’s affairs: it is important for them to accumulate experience of their own decisions and even failures.

During the transitional period of establishing your relationship, refrain from making demands that, in your experience, he most likely will not fulfill. On the contrary, what can be called the “adjustment method” helps a lot: you do not challenge the decision he has come to, but agree with him on the details and conditions for its implementation.

Understanding that a child’s stubbornness and self-will is just a form of plea that irritates you: “Let me finally live by my own mind” will help you get rid of unnecessary pressure and dictate.

If you feel offended, then you need to ask yourself: what made the child cause it to you? What kind of pain does he have? How have you offended or are you constantly offending him? Having understood the reason, we must, of course, try to eliminate it.

The most difficult situation is that of a desperate parent and lost faith in one's abilities teenager

The smart behavior of the parent in this case is stop demanding “expected” behavior. It’s worth “resetting to zero” your expectations and complaints. Surely your child can do something and is even very capable of something. But for now you have it as it is. Find the task level available to him. This is your starting point from which you can begin to move forward. Organize joint activities with him; he cannot get out of the dead end on his own.
At the same time, no criticism should be allowed towards him.

Look for a way to reward him, even the smallest success. It is worth trying to make teachers your allies. You will see: the very first successes will inspire your child.

It is useless to expect that your efforts to establish peace and discipline in the family will lead to success on the very first day. The main efforts should be directed towards switching your negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) into constructive actions.

In some sense, you will have to change yourself. But this is the only way to raise your “difficult” child.

And the last thing that is important to know: in your first attempts to improve the relationship, the child may increase his bad behavior! He will not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will test them.

Lesson X “Jug” of our emotions

Destructive feelings of the first layer.

Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions - anger, malice, aggression. These feelings are destructive because... violate both the person himself (his psyche, health) and his relationships with other people and are the cause of conflicts.

These emotions are manifested in a person's external behavior. This is, unfortunately, familiar to everyone: name-calling and insults, quarrels and fights, punishments, actions “out of spite,” etc.

Psychologists believe that anger is a secondary feeling. We can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, frustration under the feelings of anger and aggression as the causes of these destructive emotions (layer II of the “jug”).

Suffering feelings of the second layer.

All feelings of the second layer are passive, they contain suffering. They are not easy to express; they are usually kept silent and hidden. Why? For fear of humiliation, of appearing weak. Sometimes a person himself is not aware of them (“I’m just angry, but I don’t know why!”)

Hiding feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood: “Don’t cry, better learn to fight back!”

The cause of “suffering” feelings is unmet needs.

Third layer: needs

Every person needs food, sleep, warmth - these are the so-called organic needs.

Needs that are associated with communication, and in a broad sense - with a person’s life among people: a person needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected, to be needed and close to someone, to have success in business and study , at work, so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, and respect himself.

These needs are always at risk! Any need can be unsatisfied, and this leads to suffering, and possibly to “destructive” emotions.

Happiness depends on psychological climate the environment in which a person grows, lives, and works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And the climate and luggage depend on the style of communication, and above all, the parents and the child.

Fourth Layer: Self-Esteem

The attitude towards oneself lies below the layer of needs

Psychologists have devoted much research to such self-experiences. They call them differently: self-perception, self-image, self-evaluation, self-esteem, sense of self-worth.

Self-esteem greatly influences a person’s life and even destiny. Thus, children with low self-esteem, but quite capable, study worse, get along poorly with peers and teachers, and are less successful later in adulthood.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early, in the very first years of a child’s life, and depends on how the parents treat him. If they understand and accept him, are tolerant of his “shortcomings” and mistakes, he grows up with a positive attitude towards himself. If a child is constantly “educated”, criticized and drilled, his self-esteem turns out to be low and flawed.

In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitudes of loved ones towards us. A small child has no inner vision. His self-image is built from the outside; he begins to see himself as others see him.

However, the child does not remain passive in this process. Another law of all living things applies here: actively seek what survival depends on. Positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child constantly seeks and even fights for it.

He is waiting for confirmation from us that he is good, he is loved, he can cope with feasible tasks. Whatever a child does, he needs our recognition of his success.

Just look at how he greets a new day: with a smile or a cry, this is the feeling of internal well-being or ill-being that the child experiences.

With every address to a child - in word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowned brows and even silence, we inform him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often mainly about him.

From repeated signs of greeting, approval, love and acceptance, the child develops the feeling: “everything is fine with me”, “I am good”, and from signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism - the feeling “there is something wrong with me”, “ I am bad".

When protecting and raising a child, we must be aware of what message about him we are now sending him. A child most often perceives punishment as a message: “You are bad!”, criticism of mistakes - “You can’t!”, ignoring - “I don’t care about you,” and even “You are unloved.”

Sometimes a child's desire to be “good” forces children to look for ways to “correct” themselves through self-punishment. Punishment, and even more so self-punishment of a child, only aggravates his feeling of trouble and unhappiness. As a result, he eventually comes to the conclusion: “Bad, so be it! And I’ll be bad!” This is a challenge that hides the bitterness of despair.

A dysfunctional child continues to be punished, criticized, and then completely rejected in the family and school.

Problems of different levels of the “jug” of emotions

Level 1: destructive emotions

The child is angry with his mother: “You are bad, I don’t love you!” We already know that behind his anger lies pain, resentment, etc. (I and II layers of our scheme). In this case it is best actively listen, guess and name his “passive” feeling.

What you shouldn't do is condemn and punish him in return. This can only worsen his negative experience (and yours too).

It is better to leave your educational words until the time when the situation is calm and your tone is friendly.

Level 2: Suffering Emotions

If a child openly suffers from pain, resentment, fear, then active listening- irreplaceable. This method is directly intended for experiences from layer II of our diagram.

If a parent experiences the same feelings, then it is best to express them in the form of an “I message”.

However, it is important to remember that if the child’s “glass” is also full, then his ears may not hear you; You should listen to him first.

Level 3: Needs

What is he missing? If the child’s dissatisfaction or suffering is repeated for the same reason, if he constantly whines, asks to play, read; or, conversely, he constantly disobeys, fights, is rude... it is very likely that the reason is some kind of dissatisfaction; his needs (III layer of the diagram). He may lack your attention or, conversely, a sense of freedom and independence; he may suffer from neglected studies or failure at school.

In this case, active listening alone is not enough. True, you can start with it, but then try to understand what your child is missing. You will really help him if you spend more time with him, pay attention to his activities more often, or, conversely, stop controlling him at every step.

One of the very effective ways- creating conditions that do not contradict, but meet the needs of the child. He wants to move a lot - organize open space well; wants to explore puddles - you can wear high boots; wants to paint big pictures - an extra piece of cheap wallpaper won't hurt. Let me remind you that rowing with the current is incomparably easier than rowing against it.

Understanding the child's needs, accepting them and responding to them with your actions means actively listening to the child in the broadest sense. This ability develops in parents as they increasingly practice active listening techniques.

Level 4: Self-esteem, sense of self-worth

“You are dear to me, and everything will be fine with you!”

The further down we move through the layers of our scheme, the more significant the influence of the style of communication with him on the child. He learns about what kind of person he is - good, dear, capable, or bad, useless, a loser - only from adults and, above all, from his parents.

If the deepest layer - the emotional sense of self - is made up of negative experiences, many areas of the child's life are upset. He becomes “difficult” both for himself and for those around him. Great efforts are needed to help him in such cases.

How to maintain a child's self-esteem?

In order to prevent a child from becoming deeply discordant with himself and the world around him, it is necessary to constantly maintain his self-esteem or sense of self-worth.

1. Unconditionally accept the child.

Accept everyone as they are: My children are ordinary children. They behave like all children in the world. There is a lot of irritation in children's antics and that's how it is.

Only a non-judgmental judgment. You can express your dissatisfaction with individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.

You can condemn a child’s actions, but not his feelings, as unwanted or “inadmissible.”

2. Actively listen to his experiences and needs.

4. Do not interfere with activities that he is doing well.

5. Help when asked.

6. Maintain success.

7. Sharing your feelings (means trusting).

8. Resolve conflicts constructively.

No negative commands. The subconscious mind does not hold back the denial “no”.

Choice without choice! (Are you going to bed now or are you going to pack your books first?)

Skip the first “NO”, “NOT”.

9. Show love: hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

Use friendly phrases in everyday communication.

For example: I feel good with you. I'm glad to see you. It's good that you came. I like the way you... I miss you. Let's (sit, do...) together. Of course you can handle it. It's so good that we have you. You are my good one.

Eye contact, open, friendly under normal conditions.

Close attention, full concentration on the child, so that the child feels the most important.

Talking to a child is an art that many adults find difficult. It seems to us that we talk, and the children do their own thing. We demand understanding from the child, but we ourselves refuse to understand him. We resort to shouting, blackmail, set conditions, in general, we act from a position of strength. However, we ourselves really don’t like it when people talk to us like this. If we listen to ourselves, we will understand that we would never listen to someone who treats us like that. At least they would definitely harbor a grudge.

Children feel the same way. And they resist as best they can - due to their age.

But communication with a child can be different if parents take into account the child’s feelings and the characteristics of the child’s psyche. Read about simple but effective words that will help you establish contact with children in the article by teacher Irina Khmelnitskaya.

10 almighty words for parents

Whisper. Even while working at school, I promised myself not to raise my voice at students or anyone at all. Screaming is a manifestation of one’s own weakness. But children, especially young ones, react to intonation more than to the content of speech. How to reach fidgety people without raised voices? It has been proven that the only medicine that works more effectively than yelling (even with the best intentions) is when you lean into your baby's ear, making eye contact, and begin to speak - very quietly. This requires great self-control from parents. But it gives amazing results.

May be. Because saying the traditional “no” is like taking the safety precautions off a baby. A “head-on” ban can provoke hysterics, especially if the child who hears “no” is hungry or simply tired. As an alternative, we suggest “maybe” - at least it’s honest. This is better than adding fuel to the fire with endless “NOs”. If the children ask: “Shall we go outside now?”, I calmly say: “Maybe.” And I add: “If you put all the toys on the shelves and get dressed quickly.” This helps motivate children to behave appropriately. And then everything is simple: put the toys away, get dressed - go outside, don’t put them away - don’t go. It is important that adults keep their own promises. The words “We’ll see” and “a little later” are just as effective.

Sorry. Adults make mistakes too. What to do? We are not gods. We are ready to apologize to relatives, friends, and work colleagues. And our children need politeness no less than adults. This models respect for others. Children really need to see exactly this kind of communication - a good example sets the format for behavior in the future, and also helps them understand that no one in this world is ideal, which, in general, is true.

Stop. A signal that stops a child, interrupts what we want him to do, and tells him what to do instead. If children are running around the apartment, it is useless to read notations; just say “Stop!” and give a tool: “Sit at the table and put together a puzzle/build a castle.” Agree with your child in advance that “Stop the game!” affects everyone without exception under any circumstances: all actions stop (if the game does not follow the rules, it becomes dangerous, unpleasant, too noisy...). The main thing is not to abuse this powerful tool, otherwise it will cease to be effective.

Eyes. We all listen more carefully, looking into the eyes of the interlocutor. When I want to be sure that the guys are really listening and hearing me, I ask: “Where are the eyes?” Hint: you need to say this completely calmly, preferably affectionately, with a smile or neutrally, otherwise children simply won’t want to look at you. Who would want to meet the gaze of an angry and screaming person? And once children's eyes are fixed on you, you have the child's attention.

Let's study. If our child makes a mistake, the phrase “It’s normal, it’s okay - we all learn!” comes to the rescue! It will also be useful for protection from sidelong glances, from people who look at us and the child judgingly. In the end, we all learn, including those who glare at us.

You can! Remind your child of this when he doubts his abilities. Failure is only a signal that the baby will succeed desired result, if he puts in a little more effort, he will practice. Tell children you know they can. And be sure to reveal a secret: much of what you now do with ease once required so much effort from you.

Be! When children ask questions, give them your eyes and attention. When kids talk about something, listen. Be with your child. It means so much to little man. One day on the way home from kindergarten my three-year-old son, asking the hundred and first question, realized that I was answering mechanically “yes or no” (my strength was running out after a day of work), but I still wanted to keep the conversation going. As a result, I heard an insistent: “Well, mom, speak up!” You dont speak!" Children immediately feel how involved we are in the conversation with them.

Always! No wonder that where there are children, it is always noisy and restless! Hysterics happen, sweets are put away, entertainment is cancelled. But some things remain untouchable. And our love for children is one of them. It is very important to tell them about this. Especially on those days when something went wrong, feelings are exhausted, and strength is running out. This is part of the evening ritual before bed. I hug my son and tell him: “Mom loves you very much and will always love you, no matter what happens.” It is very important for children to know and hear that our love for them is unconditional and unconditional. Constant. Indelible. Always!

Laugh. Many of the things that irritate us as parents probably wouldn't be so if we could just laugh at them. A good laugh is a wonderful reset button, an on/off switch if you will.

The truth is, these 10 words don't just help parents, so be a strong voice and embrace the parenting lexicon.