Often children do not want to do homework, and parents have to force them using completely non-pedagogical methods. To avoid conflict in this situation, you must first determine the reason for the reluctance to work. Knowing the reason, it will not be difficult to determine the right motivation.

Causes and their elimination

Children most often do not show much desire to do homework when:

• Tired.
• We weren’t able to fully master the material, so we’re not sure that we can cope.
• The task is not interesting to them, and they see no point in completing it.
• We are used to doing homework together with our parents.
• They are lazy: pathological laziness is very rare, so you should not make such a diagnosis if the child has at least been doing something with passion for quite a long time.
  Having identified the interfering factor, we begin to eliminate it.

Fatigue

At school, children engage in mental work for a long time - at least three hours with a teaching load of 4 lessons per week (high school students “work” even longer), and if they also engage in extracurricular activities, then even more. Therefore, after classes they should rest. Having recovered physically and intellectually, children will learn the material better and faster and take notes more accurately.

It is advisable to allocate a certain amount of time to complete tasks. Ideally, from 3 to 6 pm, as the brain functions better at this time. You should tackle the most difficult tasks first, leaving the easy ones for last.

Following a work-rest schedule will help reduce fatigue during the day.

note , proper nutrition, moderate physical activity (sports), good sleep will help prevent fatigue and avoid stressful conditions. Strict adherence to routine moments contributes to the development of discipline and independence.

Uncertainty

In modern textbooks there are usually no explanations for the wording of the text: it is assumed that the children will independently come to some conclusion during the lesson. If the student does not understand, then it will be very difficult for him to figure it out on his own. Negative statements from parents and teachers about wrong actions also contribute to the development of self-doubt in one’s own success.

What to do in this case:

• Praise more often (but do not praise!) - there is always a reason for which you can praise the child.
• Suggest that you first try to complete the task yourself in a draft , and if he can’t cope, help (the main thing is that the child knows that he will receive help if necessary).
• Criticize less (ideally, avoid such statements altogether).
• Offer to study with a tutor , if it is not possible to give the child the necessary knowledge (for example, in a foreign language).

Don't solve difficult tasks for your children. . They still won’t understand how to solve them, but they will conclude that their parents will be able to do any task for them. As a result, adults do homework even for high school students!

No interest

A child is not interested in doing homework when he does not realize it is necessary. In this case, what role does homework play in the educational process?

You shouldn’t resort to threats: “If you don’t do your homework, they’ll give you a bad mark!” Such statements will be effective only for a younger student (especially if the family cultivates love and respect for good grades). As they grow older, the value of a grade decreases, then parents change their motivation, offering schoolchildren to “get paid.” From the point of view of psychologists, such behavior is fundamentally wrong. Instead of warmth and support, parents offer their children financial (or material) rewards, which can lead to a conflict situation.

It would be more correct encourage good studies, for example, by going to the cinema or going out of town. But make this not a condition (“You will study well...”), but a consequence (“You finished the quarter well, therefore...”).

No independence

Disorganized children do not like to complete tasks at home. It is difficult for them to force themselves to do anything, to organize their leisure time. To avoid a scandal when doing homework, you should gradually teach them to be independent.

Here it is important to explain to the student that doing homework is his responsibility, and parents will not always be able to help, so he must do it himself.

It is advisable to show in practice the consequences of his decisions:

• Completed the task quickly – there is more free time left that can be spent on the game.
• Made it myself - During this time, the parents managed to cook a delicious dish or repair a broken bicycle.
• Didn't want to do it on time – spends his free time on this.
• Parents had to supervise by standing nearby - the student will do instead of them what they did not have time to do (wash the dishes, tidy up the room).

Not immediately, but gradually the child will understand that it is better to do homework immediately and independently.

What should you pay attention to?

The following situations slow down homework:

• Wrong example

It is possible to demand organization from children only if the parents themselves are organized. If a mother constantly puts off some things until later, then the children will behave the same way.

• Heavy loads

Sometimes adults shift some responsibilities onto children (“When you’ve done your homework, wash the dishes!”), forgetting about their right to rest. Of course, the student will put off this unpleasant moment until the last moment.

• Impatience and criticism

Constantly urging a child on, humiliating their dignity with constant criticism (“Like a turtle!”, “It’s so simple, how can you not understand!”), it is impossible to achieve good results. With age, the student will stop doing anything at all (“I’m stupid!”, “I still don’t understand!”).

When monitoring homework completion, you should adhere to the following rules: “Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone can find and correct mistakes.”

You should not pay much attention to the marks received, because their value gradually decreases. It is better to motivate by the fact that homework, as well as learning in general, contributes to self-development and self-improvement .

1-3 years

3-7 years

7-12 years

- a parent's dream. But, unfortunately, the world in which we live is far from ideal, and children are not always ready to unquestioningly fulfill the demands of adults, which is why we have to force them to do what they don’t want.

Is it possible for adults to insist on their own without shouting and quarreling? It turns out that it is possible if you use some psychological strategies. Of course, we are not talking about total behavior that turns him into a puppet, but about small tricks that will allow him to achieve obedience and maintain a healthy microclimate in the family.

Choosing between bad and not so good

Psychologists call this technique creating a false choice. For example, if a child is not eager to help his parents around the house, and either responds to requests with protest or completely ignores them, offer him the following: “What do you want more - vacuum the carpet or tidy up your closet?” It is clear that he does not particularly like both of these activities, but your question will create in him the illusion of free choice, which means that you will not have a reason for conflict.

Disguising your requirement as the child’s wishes

Many parents are painfully familiar with the situation when a child at the table categorically demands something tasty. In some families, this turns into a daily confrontation, leading to screaming, tears and punishment. But these troubles can be avoided if you do not insist on your demand, but disguise a product that is “tasteless”, from the child’s point of view, as his favorite dish. Does your child not like zucchini, but loves pancakes? Add chopped zucchini to the dough and bake his favorite pancakes. Doesn't he like fish? Grind the fish fillet through a meat grinder, add some minced meat and fry the cutlets, which he eats with pleasure. Does he refuse semolina porridge, but loves cottage cheese? Make him some cheesecakes. Similar “deceptively tasty” and healthy recipes there are many - you can easily find them on the Internet.

Often conflicts arise in the family due to the fact that the child does not want to do some routine housework. Here you can turn on your imagination and turn a boring activity into fun game. Children really like the element of competition - use it by offering, for example, a game of “Who can make the bed first” or “Who can collect the toys the fastest.” Don’t forget to assign a small prize for the winner, even if it’s purely symbolic – this will be a good incentive for the child.

Fulfillment of conditions

This method is often and quite successfully used by many parents, so we will not dwell on it in detail, but simply outline its algorithm: “If you want candy, eat soup first” or “First do your homework, and then go for a walk.” We will only add that if you set a condition for the child, it is necessary that your requirement be fulfilled and, of course, the child’s desire too.

Does your robber have bad marks in his diary again? Your child doesn’t listen, but it’s simply impossible to get him to do his homework? Many parents have a situation where the child does not want to study, skips school and is not attentive in class.

Adults often make a lot of mistakes in order to force their daughter or son to study. This happens because there is no knowledge of how to cultivate a love of learning in children. Some begin to be raised in the same way as they were raised in childhood. It turns out that upbringing mistakes pass from generation to generation. First, our parents suffer themselves and force us to study, then we apply the same torture to our children.

When a child does not study well, bleak pictures of what his future may be are drawn in his head. Instead of a prestigious university and an academic degree, a third-rate technical school. Instead of a brilliant career and a good salary, a job that you are ashamed to tell your friends about. And instead of a salary, it’s pennies on which it’s unclear how to live. Nobody wants such a future for their children.

To understand why our children do not feel the desire to learn, we need to find the reason for this. There are a lot of them. Let's look at the main ones.

1) No desire or incentive to study

Many adults are accustomed to forcing a child to do something against his will, to impose his opinion. If a student resists doing what he doesn’t want, this means that his personality is not broken. And that's okay.

There is only one way to involve your child in learning - to interest him. Of course, teachers should think about this first. An uninterestingly designed program, boring teachers teaching lessons without taking into account the age of the children - all this contributes to the fact that the child will avoid learning and be lazy in completing tasks.

2) Stress at school

People are structured as follows: first, simple needs for food, sleep, and safety are satisfied. But the need for new knowledge and development is already in the background. School sometimes becomes a real source of stress for children. Where kids experience various negative emotions every day, such as fear, tension, shame, humiliation.

In fact, 70% of the reasons why children do not want to study and go to school are due to stress. ( Bad relationship with peers, teachers, insults from older comrades)

Parents may think: after all, there were only 4 lessons, the child says he is tired, which means he is lazy. In fact, stressful situations take a lot of energy from him. Moreover, it causes negativity towards this environment. Therefore, he begins to think poorly, his memory works worse, and he looks inhibited. Before attacking your child and forcing him, it is better to ask how he is doing at school. Was it difficult for him? How is his relationship with other children and teachers?

Case from practice:
We had a consultation with an 8-year-old boy. According to the boy's mother, in the last few months he began to skip classes and often did not complete his homework. And before that, although he was not an excellent student, he studied diligently and there were no special problems with him.

It turned out that a new student had been transferred to their class and was bullying the child in every possible way. He ridiculed him in front of his comrades and even used physical force and extorted money. The child, due to his inexperience, did not know what to do with it. He did not complain to his parents or teachers, because he did not want to be branded as a sneak. But I couldn’t solve this problem myself. Here is a clear example of how stressful conditions make it difficult to gnaw on the granite of science.

3) Pressure resistance

This is how the psyche works: when pressure is put on us, we resist with all our might. The more the mother and father force the student to do his homework, the more he begins to avoid it. This once again confirms the fact that this situation cannot be corrected by force.

4) Low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence

Excessive criticism of parents towards the child leads to low self-esteem. If no matter what a student does, you still cannot please, then this is just such a case. The child’s motivation completely disappears. What difference does it make whether they give it a 2 or a 5, no one will praise it, appreciate it, or say a kind word.

5) Too much control and help

There are parents who literally teach themselves instead of their child. They collect his briefcase for him, do his homework, tell him what to do, how and when to do it. In this case, the student takes a passive position. He no longer needs to think with his own head and is unable to answer for himself. Motivation also disappears, as he plays the role of a puppet.

It should be noted that this occurs quite often in modern families and is a big problem. Parents themselves spoil their child by trying to help him. Total control kills independence and responsibility. And this pattern of behavior continues into adulthood.

Case from practice:

Irina turned to us for help. She had problems with the academic performance of her 9-year-old daughter. If the mother was late at work or went on a business trip, the girl did not do her homework. During lessons she also behaved passively and if the teacher did not look after her, she would get distracted and do other things.

It turned out that Irina strongly interfered with the learning process from the first grade. She was overly controlling of her daughter, literally not allowing her to take a step on her own. This is a disastrous result. The daughter had no desire to study at all; she believed that only her mother needed it, not her. And I only did it under pressure.

There is only one treatment here: stop patronizing the child and explain why you need to study at all. At first, of course, he will relax and do nothing. But over time, he will understand that he still needs to learn somehow and will slowly begin to organize himself. Of course, everything will not work out right away. But after a while he will do better and better.

6) You need to give rest

When a student comes home from school, he needs 1.5-2 hours to rest. At this time he can do his favorite things. There is a category of mothers and fathers who begin to press on their child as soon as he comes home.

Questions about grades, requests to show the diary and instructions to sit down for homework are pouring in. If you don't give your baby a rest, his concentration will be noticeably reduced. And in a tired state, he will begin to dislike school and everything connected with it even more.

7) Quarrels in the family

An unfavorable atmosphere at home is a serious obstacle to good grades. When in the family frequent quarrels and scandals, the child begins to worry, become nervous and withdrawn. Sometimes he even begins to blame himself for everything. As a result, all his thoughts are occupied with the current situation, and not with the desire to study.

8) Complexes

There are children with non-standard appearance or with not very well developed speech. They often receive a lot of ridicule. Therefore, they experience a lot of suffering and try to be invisible, avoiding answering at the board.

9) Bad company

Even in the first grade, some students manage to contact dysfunctional friends. If your friends do not want to study, then your child will support them in this.

10) Dependencies

Children, like adults, early age may have their own dependencies. IN primary school– these are games, entertainment with friends. At the age of 9-12 - a passion for computer games. IN adolescence – bad habits and street company.

11) Hyperactivity

There are children with excess energy. They are characterized by poor perseverance and concentration. This makes it difficult for them to sit in class and listen without being distracted. And from here - bad behavior and even disrupted lessons. Such children need additional visits sport sections. Detailed tips for this can be found in this article.

If you correctly understand the reason for poor learning at school, then you can assume that 50% of the problem has already been solved. In the future, it is necessary to develop an action plan, thanks to which it will be possible to encourage the student to study. Screams, scandals, swearing - it never worked. Understanding your child and helping him with the difficulties that arise is what will create the right motivation.

13 practical tips on how to motivate a student to get straight A's

1. The first thing every parent should know is that the child needs to be praised for any of his successes.
   Then he will naturally develop a desire to learn. Even if he doesn’t do something well enough yet, he still needs to be praised. After all, he almost completed the new task and put a lot of effort into it. This is a very important condition, without which it is impossible to force a child to learn.
2. Under no circumstances should you scold for mistakes, because you learn from mistakes.
   If you scold a child for what he can’t do, then he will forever lose the desire to do it. Making mistakes is a natural process, even for adults. Children, on the other hand, do not have such life experience and are just learning new tasks for themselves, so you need to be patient, and if something doesn’t work out for your child, it would be better to help him figure it out.
3. Don't give gifts for studying
   Some adults, for motivation purposes, promise various gifts or monetary rewards to their children for good studies. There is no need to do this. Of course, at first the baby will gain incentive and begin to try hard in his studies, but over time he will begin to demand more and more. And small gifts will no longer satisfy him. In addition, studying is his daily obligatory actions and the child must understand this. Therefore, the issue of motivation will not be resolved in such ways in the long term.
4. You need to show your son or daughter the full degree of responsibility that lies in this activity - studying
   To do this, explain why you need to study at all. Often children who are not particularly interested in learning do not understand why this is necessary. They have a lot of other interesting things to do, but school work gets in the way.
5. Sometimes parents demand too much from their children.
   Nowadays the training program is several times more complicated than before. Moreover, if a child also goes to developmental clubs, then naturally overwork may occur. Don't demand your child to be perfect. It is quite natural that some subjects are more difficult for him, and it takes more time to understand them.
6. If any of the subjects is particularly difficult for your son or daughter, then good decision will hire a tutor
7. It is better to inculcate the habit of studying from the 1st grade
   If a child in first grade learns to achieve his goals, complete assigned tasks, and for this he receives the praise and respect of adults, then he will no longer stray from this path.
8. Help us see positive changes
   When your child succeeds in something very difficult, support him every time. Say phrases like: “Well, now you do it much better!” And if you continue in the same spirit, you will do absolutely great!” But never use: “Just try a little more and then you’ll be fine.” Thus, you do not recognize the child's small victories. It is very important to maintain it and notice the slightest changes.
9. Lead by example
   Don't try to get your child to do his homework while you watch TV or relax in other ways. Children love to copy their parents. If you want your child to develop, for example, read books instead of messing around, do it yourself.
10. Support
    If a student is facing a difficult test, support him. Tell him that you believe in him, that he will succeed. Moreover, if he tries hard, success is inevitable. You need to support him even when he completely fails at something. Many mothers and fathers prefer to reprimand in this case. It is better to reassure the child and tell him that next time he will definitely cope. You just need to put in a little more effort.
11. Share your experiences
    Explain to your child that you cannot always do only what you want. Yes, I understand that you don’t like mathematics so much, but you need to study it. You will be able to bear it easier if you share it with your loved ones.
12. Point to good qualities baby
    Even if these are so far from doing well at school, but the child’s positive qualities, such as the ability to help others, charm, and the ability to negotiate. This will help in creating adequate self-esteem and finding support within yourself. And normal self-esteem, in turn, will create confidence in your abilities.
13. Consider the wishes and aspirations of the child himself
    If your child is interested in music or drawing, there is no need to force him to attend a math class. There is no need to break the child by saying that you know better. All children are different and each has their own talents and abilities. Even if you force a student to study a subject he does not like, he will not achieve much success in it. Because success is only where there is love for the work and interest in the process.

Is it worth forcing your child to study?

As you probably already understood from this article, forcing a child to learn by force is a useless exercise. This will only make things worse. It's better to create the right motivation. To create motivation, you need to understand why he needs it. What will he gain from his studies? For example, in the future he will be able to get the profession he dreams of. And without education, he will not have any profession at all and will not be able to earn a living.

When a student has a goal and an idea of ​​why he should study, then desire and ambition appear.

And of course, you need to deal with the problems that prevent your child from becoming a successful student. There are no other ways to do this but talk to him and find out.

I hope these practical advice will help you improve your children's academic performance. If you still have questions, you can always contact us for help at online consultation with a psychologist. Experienced child psychologist will help as soon as possible to find out all the reasons why the child is experiencing difficulties and reluctance to learn. Together with you, he will develop a work plan that will help your child get a taste for learning.

?”, then you’ve come to the right place: you no longer need to read any articles, including this one. I will answer right now: “No way!”

There is no way to force a child to obey. You can only force someone to obey, and not for long.

The famous German psychotherapist, founder of Gestalt therapy Fritz Perls argued that there are two possibilities to influence another person: to become a “top dog” or a “bottom dog.” “Dog on top” is power, authority, orders, threats, punishment, pressure. “Dog from below” is flattery, lies, manipulation, sabotage, blackmail, tears. And when these two “dogs” come into conflict, the “bottom dog” always wins. So, if you want your child to listen to you, the first thing you need to do is stop forcing him. Stop commanding, lecturing, and shaming. Here are some tips on how to replace these ineffective products.

How to achieve obedience

The first step is to encourage and stimulate any activity of the child aimed in the right direction. Is the girl eager to wash the dishes? Be sure to allow it, even if her help only gets in the way. Psychologists conducted surveys of schoolchildren from fourth to eighth grades, finding out whether they did any kind of activity. It turned out that the percentage of children who do not help their parents is the same. But in the fourth - sixth grades many children were unhappy that they were not trusted with household chores! But in the seventh and eighth grades there were no longer any dissatisfied people.

The founder of Russian psychology, Lev Semyonovich Vygotsky, developed a universal scheme for teaching a child to independently carry out everyday activities. First, the child does something together with his parents, then the parents draw clear instructions, and then the child begins to act completely independently.

Let's say you want your child to be careful when he comes in from the street. The first stage: everything is done together, parents show and help. At the second stage, you need to come up with and draw a hint: what needs to be put in what order and where. For example, this one:

Most children readily follow understandable and visual instructions. Gradually a habit forms, and external cues become unnecessary.

The next great trick is to turn the desired actions into a competition. Just putting away toys is boring and time-consuming. Playing cleaning is a completely different matter.

Play is a natural need for children, game form they are ready to take on the least favorite things. Competition is also a great motivator.

The famous child psychologist Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter gives this example. The parents wanted their son to do exercises. We bought equipment, the father made a horizontal bar in the doorway, but the boy was not particularly interested in it, and he avoided it in every possible way. Then the mother invited her son to compete to see who could do the most pull-ups. They created a table and hung it next to the horizontal bar. As a result, both began to exercise regularly.

A few words about the common practice of paying children to do household chores... It doesn't work in the long run. The child’s demands increase, and the amount of work completed decreases. In one study, students were asked to solve a puzzle. Half of them were paid for it, the others were not. Those who received money were less persistent and quickly stopped trying. Those who acted out of sporting interest spent more time. This once again confirms the well-known rule in psychology: external motivation (even positive) is less effective than internal motivation.

How to ban correctly

Bans are needed not only for physical safety. Numerous studies have shown that childhood has a negative impact on a person’s personality and destiny. Therefore, bans must be mandatory. But it is very important not to go too far, because their excess is also harmful. Let's see what psychologists advise.

1. Flexibility

Yulia Borisovna Gippenreiter suggests dividing all the child’s activity into four zones: green, yellow, orange and red.

1. The green zone is something that is allowed without any conditions, something that the child can choose for himself. For example, what toys to play with.
2. Yellow zone - allowed, but with conditions. For example, you can go for a walk if you do your homework.
3. Orange zone - allowed only in exceptional cases. For example, you might not go to bed on time because today is a holiday.
4. The red zone is something that is not allowed under any circumstances.

2. Consistency and consistency

If some actions are in the red zone, the child should never be allowed to do them. It’s enough to give in once, and that’s it: children instantly understand that they don’t have to obey. The same applies to the yellow zone. If he hasn't done his homework, he should definitely be deprived of a walk. Firmness and consistency are the main allies of parents. It is equally important that the requirements and prohibitions are agreed upon between family members. When mom forbids eating candy, but dad allows it, nothing good will come of it. Children quickly learn to use differences between adults to their advantage. As a result, neither dad nor mom will achieve obedience.

3. Proportionality

Do not demand the impossible and approach difficult prohibitions with caution. For example, it is very difficult (and for some, simply impossible) for preschoolers to sit quietly for more than 20–30 minutes. It makes no sense to prohibit them from jumping, running and screaming in this situation. Another example: at the age of three, a child begins a period when he refuses all suggestions from his parents. How to deal with this is a separate topic, but “Stop contradicting me!” will only bring harm. Parents should have an understanding of the age characteristics of their children in order to coordinate their prohibitions with the child’s capabilities.

4. The right tone

A calm, friendly tone is more effective than severity and threats. In one experiment, children were taken into a room with toys. The most attractive was the controlled robot. The experimenter told the child that he would leave and that while he was gone, he could not play with the robot. In one case, the prohibition was strict, harsh, with threats of punishment; in the other, the teacher spoke softly, without raising his voice. The percentage of children who violated the ban was the same. But two weeks later these children were again invited to the same room...

This time no one stopped them from playing with the robot alone. 14 out of 18 children who were strict with the last time immediately took the robot as soon as the teacher left. And most of the children from the other group still did not play with the robot before the teacher arrived. This is the difference between submission and obedience.

stokkete/Depositphotos.com

5. Punishments

Failure to comply with prohibitions must be punished. The most general rules are:

1. It is better to deprive something good than to do something bad.
2. You can't punish in public.
3. Punishment should never be humiliating.
4. You cannot punish “for prevention.”
5. Of the measures of physical pressure, only restraint is clearly recommended when it is necessary to stop a raging child. It's better to keep it to a minimum.

6. A little naughty

An absolutely obedient child is not the norm. And what kind of life experience will your child get if he follows instructions and directions all the time? Sometimes you should allow a child to do something that will harm him. Facing bad consequences is the best teacher. For example, a child reaches for a candle. If you see it and are confident that you are in control of the situation (there are no flammable objects nearby), allow it to touch the flame. This will save you from long-winded explanations of why you shouldn’t play with fire. Naturally, the possible harm should be adequately assessed. Allowing a child to stick their fingers into a socket is a crime.

Without following the instructions of adults, breaking locked rules, children always try to achieve or avoid something. For example, to gain attention to yourself or to avoid a traumatic situation. The most important and most difficult task of parents is to understand what is behind disobedience. And for this child you need to listen, you need to talk to him. Unfortunately, magic wands and unicorns do not exist. It is impossible to read an article on Lifehacker and solve all the problems in your relationship with. But you can at least try.

Being a Lazy Mom with a naughty child is very difficult. After all, it takes a lot of effort and time to agree with the baby about the simplest things. And with obedient children, everything becomes much easier, and you won’t have to get involved in arguments about any issue.

It’s unpleasant to say this, but you need to start changing with yourself, since only a calm and confident mother can make a child obey the first time. In addition, you need to listen to the child and feel his needs. I will tell you exactly how to do this in the article.

How to make a child obey

Recently, there have been big problems with obedience in children. In modern realities, when they are greatly pampered, it is quite difficult to keep a child within the limits of what is permitted. Why is this happening?

The idea of ​​permissiveness for children is now being actively promoted. Children under about 2 years of age are not prohibited from doing anything, are not given tasks, and generally receive almost no education. Therefore, by the age of 3-4 years, it is not surprising that the child does not obey adults. Although there are other reasons: conflicting instructions, requirements that do not correspond to the child’s age, etc.

How to make a child obey?

The first thing to understand is that you should never resort to physical punishment. After a few spanks, the child will actually comply with your request. When he becomes capricious in the future, one mention of physical violence will make him calm down. And everything looks great - the system works.

But in fact, the child does not become “obedient”, he is simply afraid of you. I am sure that you would not want to cause terror and fear in a child. In addition to your relationship now, this whole situation will affect the future of the child. Physical punishment, hidden resentment and anger at you will definitely come up in adolescence in the form of a riot. Or, on the contrary, the child will completely immerse himself in himself, become inert, downtrodden and unsure of himself.

Regardless of the development of the situation, a downtrodden child will not grow up happy. Therefore, physical impact - immediately no!

Learn to talk to your child, negotiate, and then you won’t have to resort to using a belt.

How to talk to a child correctly?

A lot depends on how and what you tell your baby. To begin with, you should pay attention to the volume - if you constantly speak in a raised voice, the child ceases to perceive the meaning of phrases. Remember how you feel when your boss or saleswoman scolds you in a raised voice. Even if this is well-deserved criticism, anger and resentment appears at the screaming person.

• Make eye contact. Children concentrate on only one task, so until you attract his attention, he may simply not hear your phrases. That's right: squat down in front of the child, touch your hand so that he looks at you, and look into his eyes. Call by name and repeat your request.
• Short and clear tasks, especially if you are talking to a child under 4 years old. It is difficult for them to remember and carry out a sequence of actions. Therefore, instead of the monosyllabic “take off your jacket and shoes, wash your hands and sit down at the table,” give out tasks gradually. First, “take off your jacket and shoes” when “wash your hands” is completed, and only after that “sit down at the table.”
• Speeches are too long. Parents love to bring up past missteps when reprimanding their child or asking them to stop something. And it’s difficult for children to understand what the phrase “Did you forget how you fell off the couch last time and had to go to the hospital?” Get down now, otherwise the situation will repeat itself again and you will cry.” It’s correct to say succinctly: “You can’t jump on the couch - it’s dangerous.” In this case, the main message will be received.
• Indirect instructions. Kids take all phrases literally, so they don’t see instructions for action in the question “Are you going to get out of the puddle?” Don’t overestimate children’s skills, because they are just learning the language and don’t understand much. Speak directly and unambiguously: “get out of the puddle.”
• Using negation is NOT. Children often miss the negative message “don’t,” and instead of “don’t get into a puddle,” they hear the invitation “get into a puddle.” Instead, it is better to offer another interesting alternative: “Let's go around the puddle so as not to get our new shoes dirty.”
• Constant jerking. Some anxious mothers are so protective of the child that throughout the day they warn the baby about the danger: “don’t trip over the threshold”, “go around the angry dog”, “don’t step in a puddle”, “don’t drop the mug”... Over time, the child stops perceiving these phrases , mistaking them for “background noise”. Reduce the number of comments to the required minimum, just walk next to him and insure him in dangerous moments.
• Inability to hear a child. Being with the child 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, many mothers begin to switch off. They seem to be close to the baby, but are immersed in their thoughts, talking on the phone and cannot hear their child. Over time, the baby begins to copy this behavior, ignoring your instructions. Instead, set the right example by taking a moment from washing the dishes to listen to your child's story. Keep up the conversation, clarify something, then the baby will be more attentive to your words.

In addition, listen to your words. You need to focus not on the child and how bad he is, but on your feelings.

Incorrect phrase: " You are so selfish! Stop yelling, let's go now! Shut up now, I'm ashamed of you in front of others».

Correct phrase: " I understand that you are tired. Now I’ll pay for the purchase and let’s go home. I'll read a book and you can relax. Now, please, if you want to scream, please do it quietly - it’s hard for me to concentrate».

You can focus on your feelings:

Incorrect phrase: " I'm ashamed of your behavior in front of others."- this is how you show that the opinions of others more important than the child.
Correct phrase: " It’s hard for me to be with you, my head hurts from screaming A".

Watch what you say and how the child can understand these phrases. Then it will be easier for you to find with him mutual language.

How to get your child to obey the first time

Teaching a child obedience is not so easy and quick. After all, there is no magic pill that suits every child. And this is not a robot that can blindly follow orders. But there are still certain tips that teach a child to obey his parents the first time.

Each child has a different approach. So try different methods and find the one that suits you.

So, let's look at the basic techniques to teach a child to obey:

1. Minimum prohibitions. When a child hears only “you can’t”, “don’t interfere”, “move away” throughout the day, he stops obeying. Therefore, try to use prohibition phrases only as a last resort when he is doing something serious. Instead, secure the play area, remove dangerous and fragile things, and be close to the child to distract him from dangerous games or stop him in time.
2. Unified opinion in the family. Be sure to develop certain rules in your family that cannot be broken under any circumstances. If dad allows and mom forbids, it is difficult for the child to follow directions. After all, if parents disagree on one issue, it means they don’t have to obey on others.
3. Unambiguous prohibitions. Do not change your view on any prohibitions, so as not to confuse the child’s guidelines. If you said “one last ride on the slide, and then we’ll go home,” then you need to keep your word. Once or twice the child will be able to persuade you to stay, and then he will repeat this technique constantly. Only more confident, because he knows that this method allows him to achieve what he wants.
4. Encourage your child's initiative. Children love to help adults, imitate them and be useful. Don't ruin this aspiration in the bud. If a two-year-old wants to wash his dishes, let him do it and praise him. And when he can’t see, just rewash it. If a child voluntarily completes one task, then it will be easier with others.
5. Consider age characteristics. You cannot ask a 3-year-old child to sit quietly during the current, because they have energy seething inside them and need to be released. Also, at the age of 3, a crisis begins, and all mother’s proposals are prohibited. Therefore, study information about crises, skills and abilities by age. Only when you understand your child will he listen to you.
6. Carry out threats. Many adults intimidate a child with empty or unrealistic threats: “If you don’t eat it, I’ll pour it on your head,” “If you don’t go for a walk now, we won’t go for a walk at all!” At first, this trick will pass, and the children will obey, but if, after failing to carry out the “order,” the punishment is not received, the fear will disappear. Therefore, watch your threats and carry them out. We are, of course, not talking about physical punishment. After all, in addition to them, there is a separate article for. These little ones' thinking works differently, so they need to be raised differently.
7. Give the opportunity to choose. If a child has only prohibitions and instructions, sooner or later he may start a riot on the ship. To make a child listen and obey, it is enough to create at least the illusion of choice. “Shall we take a duckling or a whale for a bath?”, “Will you go to the hospital in a black T-shirt or a yellow one?”, “Should I put a carrot or a pot?”, “Who will sleep with you from toys today?”
8. Consistency in training. If you want your child to do something on his own, you need to teach him. First, do the task together (parents and child), then draw instructions and prompt if the child has any difficulties, then he does it on his own. Be sure to go through all these steps and do not abandon your baby in the face of difficulties.
9. Play, don't give orders. It is much easier to get a child to obey if you offer to do something interesting. Not “put the toys away,” but “put the toys in this basket.” Or add a competitive element: not “throw away the cars, let’s go eat,” but “let’s see whose car gets to the kitchen faster.” Think about how you can play up your task so that the child wants to complete it himself.
10. Encourage, but not with money. Monetary incentives are used very actively, but it is advisable to instead let them watch a cartoon, give them something tasty, go on attractions, etc. Make it clear that obedience is rewarded. Be sure to praise the child, but be sure to be sincere in your voice. Children sense falsehood. Hug, kiss, although the child should receive this not only for obedient behavior, but simply because he exists.
11. Set a good example. All your requirements, prohibitions, and notations are useless if you do not comply with them yourself. The phrases “don’t snap back” and “don’t be rude” are useless if you constantly argue with your husband or allow yourself to communicate rudely with your child. Children copy the behavior of their parents even in small things, so watch yourself carefully and think - what will my child learn?

If all else fails, look how Dr. Kurpatov helped in a seemingly hopeless case.

And even if you understand how to make a child obey the first time, you should not abuse your power. Leave him a little freedom, let him defend his opinion, respect their decision and give at least the illusion of choice so as not to encounter problems in the future. Unquestioningly obedient children often grow up subject to the influence of others (drugs, alcohol), lack of initiative (lack of independence, inability to be a leader) and with other psychological problems.