There is popular wisdom floating around the Internet: a family is a small country in which PAPA is the president, MOTHER is the minister of finance, the minister of health, the minister of culture and emergency situations in family. CHILDREN are people who constantly demand something, are indignant and go on strikes. As they say, there is some truth in every joke. Is this formula for family relationships really suitable for most people or is it not as general as we think? And what characteristic of family relationships in this case will be the standard?

They say that every happy family is unhappy in its own way. After all, it is true that there are some characteristics of family relationships, thanks to which we feel calm and harmonious among our loved ones. However, it could be different. There are times when people who are meant to be the closest become the causes of constant stress and dissatisfaction with life.

Various characteristics of family relationships, both between spouses and between parents and children, do occur. Having understood the mechanism of their action and figured out what type of relationship a particular problematic family is in, you can try to find a way out and eliminate the problem.

Characteristics of family relationships

What are the characteristics of family relationships?

Let's highlight 7 main types and consider each of the characteristics separately:

Traditional family

This ideal type relationships. It is quite harmonious and its main characteristic is stability. Love, respect and mutual understanding reign here. The spouses are united in their views on life. It cannot be said that there are no disagreements in such families, however, all the rough edges and corners are smoothed out calmly and to mutual satisfaction. Such a harmonious relationship between husband and wife is the result of their deep respect and care for each other. Such families are most often long-lasting and there are many reasons for this. The main thing is a positive example of the family in which the future spouses grew up. As statistics show, a child who grows up in a full-fledged family, where love and harmony prevails, subconsciously projects such relationships into his future family.

Naturally, the majority wanted the characteristics of relationships in their families to be exactly as described above. However, not everyone succeeds in this. Unfortunately, the traditional family, as a type of relationship in its pure form, is becoming less and less common.

Parent-child

When one of the spouses, whether husband or wife, is usually much older than their partner. Moreover, the age interval between husband and wife can vary widely from seven to twenty or more years. One of the spouses bases his behavior from the position of a child, irresponsible and capricious, while the other spoils him, takes care of him, takes care of him, but also controls him, educates him, making all sorts of comments. One of the couple in the role of “adult” assumes all responsibilities for solving most of everyday problems, from financial security to any organizational issues.

As a rule, this characteristic of relationships is inherent in very young wives and their wealthy husbands mature age, or, in the case when weak, infantile and dependent youths enter into an alliance with more mature dominant women who are accustomed to “carrying the whole load on themselves.”

Such relationships can last without clouds for quite a long time. This idyll will be destroyed only when the spouse – the “child” – begins to “grow up”. He will gradually become burdened by excessive care and constant control. A dominant partner will only cause irritation. Which will lead to the collapse of such relationships.

Classic tyranny

In families of this type, there is only one personality - a strong and powerful spouse - a tyrant. The interests and needs of the rest of the family members are not taken into account, the boundaries of their personalities seem to be blurred, obeying the demands of the tyrant dictator.

The dominant spouse will control every step of any of the family members, telling the family how to behave, what to do, how to plan their day. The tyrant methodically and not without pleasure points out to others their shortcomings. He is the only one in charge of the family budget, telling his other half how to earn money.

In such families, assault is quite common. Not everyone can feel comfortable for a long time with such a family structure. Classical tyranny can normally exist only for initial stage mutual love and how long this type of relationship will last depends on large quantity factors.

Relationships - “dependency on dependency”

They occur when there are alcoholics, drug addicts, gambling addicts and other dependent categories of people in the family. In this case, the dependent person subjugates all members of his family, without thinking at all about their needs and desires. The codependents in this family only deal with solving the addict’s problems. Trying with their last strength to pull him out of the abyss, to save him from a destructive passion, they unconsciously completely deprive themselves of a normal life and sacrifice their well-being.

In such families, assault can also occur, up to a tragic ending. In such cases, a family can survive only when the dependent person has a serious reason to conquer his passion once and for all. Happy resolutions to such stories are rare. Usually, families are destroyed when the patience of the codependent spouse comes to an end.

“Everyone for himself” or a divided family

Such families sometimes seem very prosperous to the outside eye. The boundaries between spouses are very clearly defined here. Each of them, practically, lives his own separate life, independent of his partner, without encroaching on the interests and freedom of the other. Most often, this is the notorious “civil marriage” or guest marriage, where one partner, most likely a woman, considers himself married, and the second, a man, considers himself free. Less often, it’s the other way around. A husband and wife can live separately from each other, in different cities, even in different countries.

Such families can exist for quite a long time, but these relationships also come to an end. There are many reasons for the breakup. Most often, there is a change in the worldview of one of the partners and on his part the characteristics of their so-called “marriage” change. Of course, this partner will try to convince his half to reconsider his beliefs and look at their family through the prism of his new values. However, this is not always accompanied by the preservation of the family.

Friendly relationships (brotherly-sisterly)

It sounds promising, however, such families are no less likely than others to be broken up. It would seem that the husband and wife have excellent mutual respect, common interests, some kind of common work or goal towards which they are moving. They are quite capable of understanding each other without words. But brother-sister relationships exclude mutual attraction and carnal passion between partners. There's no room for sex here. Therefore, failure in such a family often occurs when one of the spouses finds a person who evokes a storm of emotions in him, a sexual desire that the current partner was not able to evoke.

Relationships "Fireworks"

Here both spouses are quite emotional personalities and are not devoid of artistic abilities. Husband and wife constantly compete with each other. This family is the volcano or Italian la famiglia. In these relationships, no one wants to give in. As Svyatoslav Vakarchuk sings: “I won’t give up without a fight!” Here all problems and misunderstandings are resolved through loud scandals. You won’t surprise them with stormy showdowns. Any “scenes at the fountain” here become the property of the neighbors and are submitted to their strict and not always objective judgment.

However, after a stormy quarrel, the same eccentric reconciliation occurs. The husband and wife got a good emotional release, as they say, they yelled, throwing out their negativity. And now, as if nothing had happened, they are ready to move on with their lives, until a new quarrel, which will not be long in coming. The most interesting thing is that each of the partners considers their family to be quite prosperous and does not complain about their bitter fate.

How long can such a family survive? Yes, quite a long time. Both spouses seem to feed each other with their emotions and live quite harmoniously, as it seems to them, however, here it is worth asking the opinions of their neighbors, who are many things: spectators, arbitrators, lightning rods and ambulances combined. Aren't these unfortunate hardy people tired of having to endure all this fireworks of emotions? And won’t they one day want to no longer get involved in these stormy showdowns, saving one of the spouses from the other, allowing them to either make peace themselves, or kill each other, so that the long-awaited silence will finally come in their home?

Types of relationships and their impact on children

Each of the characteristics of family relationships, naturally, leaves its mark on the mental, mental, moral and mental development of the child who grows and develops in families with the above classification.

In families with any disharmonious signs, there is a high probability that these features of your relationship will cause serious harm to the psycho-emotional and moral development your child. His already fragile child’s psyche will be distorted under the influence of unhealthy relationships in the family, often suffering irreparable consequences and causing serious mental trauma to your child.

Thus, a child raised in a tyrant’s family may develop tendencies toward sadism and mental disorders of various classifications. While in a traditional family, where relationships are close to ideal, as a rule, a calm, balanced child will grow up, with normal self-esteem, who will subsequently develop into a successful self-sufficient person.

Dependence of characters on the environment of upbringing

Among the factors influencing the viability of a family and its prosperous existence, the following stand out: the level of upbringing, education of partners, instilled life guidelines, moral beliefs and principles, that is, those characteristics that a husband and wife receive from their parents, who are an example for them. The family’s ability to move in one direction, to constructively resolve conflict situations, and to its harmonious existence and development depends on whether all the above conditions coincide.

As a rule, almost none of the above described types of family relationships are found in nature in a crystal clear form. Thus, brother-sister relationships are often mixed into the characteristics of a traditional family, and codependent relationships are often poisoned by manifestations of tyranny. This naturally complicates the task of a psychologist who has to solve the problem of adjusting the relationships of a single family. Makes it difficult, but doesn't make it impossible. Therefore, for the sake of the harmonious and comfortable existence of your relationship, you can and should contact a competent specialist. As they say, the one who walks can master the road. Therefore, having recognized alarming signs of disharmony in your family union, try to do your best to bring your relationship to a happy level. Yes, this is not an easy task, but the game is worth the candle.

Anton and Vlad

Anton: What I really like about Vlad is that he knows how to think critically and not follow the crowd. Now everyone is overwhelmed by the selfie craze, but Vlad is indifferent to it. He can observe the process from a distance, think about why he needs this, look for some meaning. This is what appeals to me about him. He is versatile, creative, and for some time he went to a theater studio. Sometimes he and I try to speak English to each other.
Vlad: I play games on English language. And at school English is boring. I like to study everything myself. I would like to learn how to cook. I have all my favorite dishes. I just don’t like liver and semolina.

Names"

Victoria and Elena

Lena: We meet and go for a walk. We go to the store together. I need Vika to help me with the calculations. I'm not good with money, I'm not good at counting. She explains it to me, I remember it. If I have money, I tell Vika about it. Vika says: “Don’t waste it, we’ll go buy groceries together.”
Victoria: I feel that Lena is mine close person, an important part of my life. Communicating with her, I learned to accept the situation and not raise expectations. Because when you have some expectations and they are not fulfilled, disappointment always comes. I understand - if you lived in such conditions for eighteen years, you cannot change in such a short period. Even when everything around has changed dramatically!

Photo: Alexander Vasyukovich | Text: Lyudmila Drik Material provided by the "Names" project

Tatiana and Lera

Tatiana: At first, such communication seems strange, artificial: you need to meet several times a week, look for common topics... But now I just like communicating with Lerka! Our relationship quickly grew into a very natural friendship. It's just a miracle that we found each other! Our pairing hits the bull's eye.
Lera: Tatiana is mine a true friend. Of course, I had friends at the boarding school, but first one friend went to Italy, then the second... There were practically no close friends left. In the sixth grade we were transferred to a regular school, it was difficult to adapt. The relationship with the “home children” did not work out. We couldn't understand each other. Honestly, I don't know why. I think they despised us, the orphanage residents, a little.

Photo: Alexander Vasyukovich | Text: Lyudmila Drik Material provided by the "Names" project

Marina and Veronica

Marina: I have incredible respect for the “Threads of Friendship” team! The project approaches the selection of couples very thoroughly: from the moment of completion of the training to the formation of a couple, a year or even more can pass. Curators make sure that the adult and teenager are as suitable as possible for each other. Regular meetings are held for mentors. Formally, the foster carer must find at least two hours a week for the child. But Veronica and I's relationship quickly grew into true friendship, so there is no need to keep track of time.
Veronica: Communication with Marina radically changed me: I learned to be open, became more confident, courageous, and purposeful. Thanks to her, I started thinking about going to university. I graduated from the Kedyshko College, received a specialty as a wood inlay artist, and now I have entered the Faculty of Philosophy and Social Sciences at BSU. I will study psychology. Maybe one day I’ll join the team of some social project like “Threads of Friendship.” After all, everyone who finds themselves in a difficult life situation needs psychological help.

Photo: Alexander Vasyukovich | Text: Lyudmila Drik Material provided by the "Names" project

Vera and Nikita

Nikita: When I started communicating with Vera, I wised up. I began to react to many things differently. Vera tells how to live. They taught us at school too, but it was hard for me alone. I have already learned how to cook soup and cook pasta the navy way. I buy potatoes, pasta, carrots, cabbage, and a soup set myself. Vera sent me pictures of how to do everything.
Faith: There are times when you have to rush to his aid with a saber at the ready! Children like Nikita trust everyone. I say: “Nikita, don’t give your passport to anyone!” He didn't give it. But the other day I pulled it out of him that they took him by the hand, took him to the office of a cellular operator and issued two cards for him. At the office it turned out that there were not two, but four. It turns out that they can be used for illegal IP telephony and hacking. We closed these cards. But he didn’t tell me about this right away, but after a month and a half!

Photo: Alexander Vasyukovich | Text: Lyudmila Drik Material provided by the project "

Hello, dear readers! Remember from Tolstoy: everything happy families similar to each other, and each unhappy woman is unhappy in her own way? Here we live, enjoying happy moments, trying to withstand the problems that have piled up, but we certainly dream of an ideal home, almost without thinking, what kind of relationships should there be in a normal family.

What should we think about this, you say? And so everything is clear - the characteristics of an exemplary family are well known to everyone. But is this really so? I suggest checking whether harmonious relationships reign in your family.

Not a carbon copy

There are no two completely identical families - and this is an axiom. And it will be a huge mistake to try to recreate what you have seen before in your own family relationships. For example, repeat harmonious family relationships parents (read about how to achieve harmony ).

It is quite possible that you chose your husband, subconsciously relying on the image and qualities of your father, and yet your spouse is not your dad, so you should not expect exactly the same behavior from him. The principle also works in reverse side– a wife will never be exactly like her husband’s mother, although a wise woman will try to take the best from her mother-in-law.

You are unique, which means your family is unique, and therefore the relationships in it cannot be typical. And yet there are certain criteria established and followed rules and regulations that distinguish a happy family.

Points of contact

It is absolutely certain that views on some things will not coincide. Even if at first it seems that “we look at the world exactly the same,” over time, differences are bound to emerge. But in a normal family, people will definitely find compromises and will not impose their vision on their partner.

Let's say she loves to spend her holidays on a sun lounger on an exotic beach, and he loves to raft on mountain lakes and spend the night in a tent under the stars. There is no need to quarrel and spend your holidays separately, because you can find an option that both parties will like. For example, rent a secluded chalet at a spa resort, where there are many relaxation programs, and at the same time extreme tourist excursions are organized for restless guests.

Balance of power

How many times have you read that in an ideal family, spouses have equal rights? How many couples do you see this in? I couldn’t remember a single example - in all of them the role of head of the family is played by either a man or a woman. And yet they live in absolute harmony.

It is difficult to talk about happiness in a particular family, because people can pretend that everything suits them. But if they have lived together for decades, maybe a relationship where one dominates the other is not the worst option? And you don’t have to try to prove every day who’s boss. It’s better to make sure that your advice has value and your other half will certainly listen to it.

About love

In psychology textbooks you will certainly come across the phrase: family relationships are based on love. But this feeling is so many-sided and changeable, which means that it is not at all a fact that it will become a reliable foundation for a normal family. And here trust in husband and a wife, in my opinion, is much more reliable than the ephemeral concept of love, but I won’t dwell on trust here, since I previously posted a very informative and detailed .

I am sure that in your circle there are couples who love each other “to madness”, and the relationship between them is comparable to a boiling pot - turn up the heat a little, and it will start to splash so much over the edge that it will scald those standing next to you. I wouldn’t talk about the normality of their relationship, although when you look at them, they still seem to live without giving a damn.

Of course, we all imagine what are there relationship at the very beginning. The inspiring feeling of falling in love literally pulls the rug out from under your feet. It seems that with a sweetheart there is heaven in a hut, but with your beloved it is easy to move any mountains. And the warnings of adults that reality is not at all as beautiful as the created ideal are ignored.

Unfortunately, only a few manage to carry that thrill of youth, clouding of mind and heat in the heart into old age. Usually, the first love, with proper care, transforms into and a bunch of other feelings that help you enjoy family life.

This and:

• mutual understanding with his willingness to accept a person as he is (about how to restore mutual understanding I highly recommend reading it );
• trust when there is absolute confidence in the other half, and there is no room;
• devotion;
• desire to care not only about children, but also about husband (wife).

In the latter case, we are talking not only about giving money to the spouse for shopping (this, in my opinion, is just a manifestation of caring to a lesser extent), but about everyday little things. It seems easy to do them: cover your wife’s feet with a blanket, prepare and bring a mug of hot chocolate, wash the dishes without a scandal. And little things don’t require huge earnings or superpowers. Just a desire to please your loved one.

Is being dependent good or bad?

Who should depend on whom in a normal family? When it comes to healthy codependency , it is quite natural for a husband and wife to depend on each other (read more about the dependence of spouses ). And this dependence is not only material. We are talking about mental, physical closeness, when away from loved one you start to get bored, you literally can’t find a place for yourself and try to be nearby as quickly as possible.

There is another dependence - when the desires of one are limited by the impossibility of realizing them. All too often you read on forums and social networks: “I can’t leave because of financial difficulties”, “there is nowhere to move - no housing”, “children are not allowed”. Addiction causes people to stay in their marriages and kill their self-esteem, which is terrible. In conditions of such dependence, most likely, we are no longer talking about normal relationships, but only about a way of survival. And it is very, very difficult to break out of such captivity.

And in sorrow and in joy

Every couple at the beginning of their marriage promises to support each other. Yes, yes, that same oath “about grief and joy.” But is it possible to contain it? But it is important to support each other not only in global issues such as choosing the decor for a country house or the principles of raising children, but also in small things. It is much easier to overcome any challenge shoulder to shoulder.

Ideally, any decision made would be well discussed at a family council in order to develop the right strategy and find the best option. But even if one of the parties, for some reason, makes a decision alone, it is worth supporting the bold action, because the person automatically takes responsibility, and not everyone can do this.

Another important point is that a real family should always act as a “united front” in the eyes of others. That is, disputes over what color a new car will be or what to plant in place of an old apple tree that was cut down, even if they can be discussed among outsiders, should not turn into a “battle of the titans.”

What is missing from a normal family?

Special relationships are built between people who respect each other, and there is no place in them:

• a firm conviction: we are different, which means nothing can be fixed;
• phrases: either as I said (a), or - not at all;
• blackmail and mutual reproaches;
• self-affirmation of one at the expense of insult and humiliation of another;
• family scandals, especially in the presence of children or strangers;
• shifting absolutely all household responsibilities onto the shoulders of one.

The relationship between children and parents is an old question, but there is still no sensible answer. This is true, because parents are most often disappointed in the actions of their children, they always want everything to be the way it was in their time, so they are dissatisfied. But the children are not far behind. They actually begin to gradually hate their parents because they refuse to understand that this is their personal life, and they should not delve into it so much, and then there is criticism about this, scandals and eternal quarrels.

And this is how everything has been going on for thousands of years. Apparently, as a person appeared, a similar situation arose.

No, this does not mean that families where parents get along well with their children and vice versa do not exist. They exist, but they are actually in the minority. We just won’t touch them now, but will return to the problem families.

So, what kind of relationships happen in different families?

1. Parents can be tyrants, that is, they always try to master the will of the child. Yes, they show their love and tenderness, but can you believe it? Isn't love a feeling where you need to trust a person and support him in any situation? In fact, this is a mask that some people may perceive as the true face, and they will be mistaken, since in fact under the mask there is a person who simply wants to keep the child’s life situation under his control. And in such a family anything can happen. For example, a child cannot stand it and runs away from the family, because he simply needs a personal life. It may also happen that the child nevertheless begins to be controlled and in the end he no longer becomes a person, but some kind of plant.
2. Parents can be weak and spineless. Such parents are people who, in essence, have not been able to achieve anything in their lives, therefore the child does not receive anything from them, and, as a result, the parents are no longer authoritative for their child. Here is an example of a growing child-tyrant, who will subsequently keep his parents under control.
3. Parents can also be friends. This is one of best options family actually. That is, such parents actually love and value their children, and most importantly, they trust them. That is, the child can live independently full life. As a rule, such mothers and fathers look younger than they are, strive to be closer to young people and try to learn more about them. That is, the child has the opportunity to develop further, he has free space.
4. Parents can be insensitive. Insensitive parents, no matter how sad it is, are completely unhappy, they do not have such an understanding as love. Such people give birth to a child, and at the same time a huge problem is born for them. That is, the child does not know what a mother’s kiss, a father’s bedtime story, caresses, or even the same kind reproaches are. These are the people who do not hesitate to tell their child that they regret having given birth to a child, and how they would like to return everything back so that he was not born, and all this in the eyes of their child! But in such cases, the child can grow up strong, and most importantly, different; he will not want to be the same as his mom or dad.
5. The most suitable ones are most likely parents, who in turn are mentors. This type of parent does not stop at simply taking the child to kindergarten, school, university, and so on. Such parents will never ask themselves the question, where is the mutual understanding with their children? This kind of parent sincerely worries about their child, worries about success, helps to make right choice, and any option is approved, and so on. But, no matter how sad it is, there are very few such parents, but nothing can be done about it. We just need to strive to be such parents in the future.

It is no secret that many people throughout their lives continue to suffer in one form or another because of their relationship with their parents. Someone refuses or avoids communication. Others constantly quarrel, make scandals and sort things out among themselves. And some choose the option of a humble and submissive child who imitates the beautiful family relationships, and secretly hates his parents for his unsuccessful life. If you really have a warm and sincere relationship with your parents, then I sincerely congratulate you. Although there is a very high probability that you simply do not realize the influence of your parents on your seemingly independent choice and do not notice the hidden manipulation. Although this may be for the best for you.

We don’t choose our parents, by the way, just like they don’t choose us, because we are not angels either. It’s good if you are lucky with your parents, but if not, then you shouldn’t upset yourself, and especially feel sorry. After all, we learn about life thanks to this, as they say, “What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Consider the reality of your parents, but still, you must always have your head on your shoulders and learn to trust your own instincts.

The family is the unit of society, a holy union. It’s not for nothing that the connection of people received such a name. Meeting and starting to live together, they feed on each other, support and help. Of course, relationships in families are completely different. Moreover, this depends not only on the character of the person, but also on his upbringing, culture, and mentality. Psychologists talk a lot about which relationships are right and which are not. Society always condemns something. But at the same time, no one thinks that perhaps the family is so comfortable.

You can often find violence in families, people are indignant about this, but maybe they like it that way? Why does a husband beat his wife, but she continues to live with him? It's probably better for them this way. The topic of family relationships is multifaceted. Well, firstly, a prying eye simply cannot grasp the truth in other people's relationships. There may seem to be complete harmony, but after some time the family falls apart. It's primarily a matter of sensations. What each spouse experiences is known only to them.

What kind of family relationships can we call good? Probably those in which each participant is comfortable living with the other, when you want to live with your loved one for the rest of your life, give birth to children, build a house, plant a tree. When there is complete mutual understanding, then this married couple can be considered happy.

Of course, in modern world component good relations, of course, are finance. They can significantly influence family relationships. First of all, a strong influence of finance is possible in the absence of it or in its insufficient quantity. In this case, the level of communication in the family is very important. If each family member does not say something and harbors a grudge, this can ultimately cause a tragedy - a break in the relationship. Therefore, the availability of explanations of one’s conditions to one’s other half plays a significant role in maintaining the harmony of relationships in the family.

What to do if a relationship is on the verge of destruction? There are no universal recipes, since the world is multifaceted, as are the people who live in it. Therefore, you can only find some close clues that can help you get out of a critical situation. For example, you need to pull yourself together, sit down with your loved one and try to talk in as much detail as possible about what you are not happy with, and listen to the same from him (her). After such revelations, you can try to find new points of contact. So to speak, you need to calibrate your relationship.

Since in the process of living together each of us adapts to our partner, this process crosses a certain line of our own selfishness, we begin to feel infringed or offended. At such times, communication plays an important role. After talking through all these points, you need to come to a common denominator in order to continue happy life together. That's why they say that living together- this is the work of two people, daily work.

Special relationships in the family begin when offspring appear in the family. These are the most touching moments in family life. For most couples, the birth of a child gives a new positive impetus to the development of their relationship. After all, a new joint creation is being born, how can one not rejoice at this?