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For many years, parents have been raising their children, trying to do everything for them so that they become independent and successful people. And when the moment comes when children finally become independent, parents should calm down and start living for themselves, but often things are completely different.

When children, like chicks, leave their native nest, emptiness settles in their parents’ hearts. Yes, parents now have a lot of free time, but for some reason they don’t have the desire to somehow spend it usefully for themselves, because their thoughts remain with their beloved children. It is this phenomenon that is called “empty nest syndrome,” which is characteristic mainly of mothers, but fathers are not immune from it.

Why is separation from children painful?

The very fact that the house becomes “empty” evokes in the hearts of parents not only a feeling of emptiness, but also of uselessness. Parents stop seeing, although not so long ago they thought that their children would grow up, and there would be an opportunity to do what they always did not have time for.

According to the results of surveys among parents whose children recently began to live separately, it turned out that more than 50% of parents, mainly mothers, would like to lead a life together again. About 85% of fathers accept the fact of separation relatively easily. At the same time, approximately 30% of mothers dream that their children, when they start their own family, will return to their father’s house or invite them to their place.

In most cases, parting with children is painful for women who did not work and only raised children, because their main activity was education. Currently, they experience a feeling of uselessness and uselessness. In addition, the condition can be complicated by menopause, mood swings and worries about the health of one’s own parents.

If we talk specifically about Russian parents, then the departure of children from the “nest” usually coincides with a period of midlife crisis for parents, which is why many families are under the threat of disintegration (divorce). The fact is that the attention of fathers and mothers shifts to each other, which is why disagreements often arise between them. Spouses can simply come to the understanding that during the time spent raising children, they have changed and become strangers to each other; all connections between them disappeared and continuation life together pointless.

However, serious changes can occur in the lives of children who have left home. Despite the fact that starting an independent life is easier for them, they are not immune to emotional problems. Many young men and women simply find themselves unable to live properly on their own.

But the topic of children’s independence moves away from the main topic of our article today, so we will continue to talk about the empty nest syndrome, namely, how the emptiness that has arisen in the house and, most importantly, in the heart can be filled.

How to “fill the void”?

In Western practice, there are situations when couples who are experiencing empty nest syndrome adopt another child - a preschooler or younger school age; in some cases, they take in a baby. Sometimes a decision is even made to have another child. But such a decision, firstly, must be made thoughtfully and emotions should not take place in its adoption, and secondly, this does not at all relieve parents from the appearance of empty nest syndrome in the future. So it makes sense to consider other ways to “fill the void.”

So what can you do to combat empty nest syndrome?

Focus on the second half

As we have already said, there are often cases when spouses who have lived together for decades and raised children, after the children leave, realize that they are practically strangers to each other, and there are no common topics for conversation or general studies. This is precisely an indicator that the time has come to devote all your attention to the second half. You can, for example, start organizing walks or trips to restaurants. In 2008, scientists conducted a study, the results of which showed that spouses will have a degree of marital satisfaction if they have the desire, time and energy to strengthen the relationship.

If a parent had to raise children alone, it is likely that he did not have time to take care of himself and his personal life. With children leaving home, it's time to make up for what was lost. You can at least start communicating with big amount people and meet new ones, which will allow you to look at yourself or yourself from a new perspective.

Sports activities

It is known for certain that it has an extremely beneficial effect on the emotional state and mood, regardless of the reason for its deterioration. Training and physical activity are the first things parents give up after having children. But at the moment when children have grown up and no longer need parental care, the time comes when God himself ordered them to take care of their bodies.

In the same case, if there is someone else whose “nest” is also empty, you can start going to the same training sessions together. It's more fun, and you can give it to another person good advice. In addition, communication may become more frequent, and this will serve as another reason to leave the “nest” in which there are no “chicks”.

Exercising is very useful even in old age, for which water aerobics or yoga are very suitable. In turn, such physical exercise will become an incentive to exclude from life, for example, eating unhealthy food or smoking.

Time to rest

The time that now no longer needs to be devoted to anyone or anything urgent can be successfully devoted to relaxation. It is very useful and effective to simply do nothing for a while: rest, reflect and not engage in any activity.

After the birth of children, rest for many parents becomes something ephemeral and almost unrealistic, because caring for and raising children is associated with a simply incredible number of tasks and concerns, from changing diapers and putting them to bed to preparing for school and training the mind. With children leaving for adulthood, that long-awaited time comes when you can really reward yourself for all the years devoted to your child.

If you take a short break to do nothing, you can, firstly, relax physically, and secondly, reflect on life, adapt to changes, think about what you could do in the future.

And if happiness comes into your life from a new feeling of freedom, that’s simply wonderful. But if you are overcome by sadness, then you should not despair, because... it's just a reaction to sudden and rapid changes in life. Rest will help to deal with mental anguish, and will make it clear that sadness, melancholy or depression are not at all associated with the fact that a beloved child left his father’s home, but with the fact that, perhaps, some plans and plans were not realized in life . And this is the time to do what you have wanted to do all your life.

Hobbies and interests

Empty nest syndrome can be successfully overcome by devoting time to some hobbies or hobbies. Now, being freed from the worries and troubles of raising a child, you can finally learn to play the guitar, master computer skills, enroll in Gym or in general (by the way, the practice of traveling in pre-retirement and retirement age very common in the west).

If there is nothing that captivates you, you definitely need to find it. As a result, you will have the opportunity to spend time, take your mind off your thoughts, broaden your horizons, and do much more. To find a new hobby, it is recommended to watch educational programs, leave home more often and visit new places, communicate with more people and expand your social circle. Doing all this is not at all difficult, and the result will be simply amazing.

Empty nest syndrome is by no means a death sentence doomed to eternal suffering. This is just a mental reaction to life changes. It’s quite easy to overcome it - you just need to understand that life moves forward, children have the right to be independent and no longer depend on their parents, and you yourself now have an excellent opportunity to devote time to yourself and expand your boundaries.

Therefore, there is no need to grieve, and, as they say, don’t hold the birds – let them fly!

How strange it is that at first you try your best to encourage children to be independent, and when they finally become independent, it hurts. Psychologists call the “empty nest” syndrome the feeling of loneliness and uselessness that occurs in parents when their children grow up and leave their parents’ home. How to overcome destructive emotions?

The "empty nest" syndrome occurs when the only last child enters an educational institution far from home, finds a job in another city or even country, gets married and begins to live separately. Women suffer from the “empty nest” more often than men, especially since the syndrome often coincides with the onset of other unpleasant events in a woman’s life: menopause or the need to care for elderly relatives.

The occurrence of “empty nest” syndrome is all the more likely if a child leaves home too early for his age, or, oddly enough, too late, after 30 years. It also often occurs in women and men for whom the parental role is the main one in their lives. Just yesterday you were rushing home from work, preparing family dinners, taking the children to clubs, celebrating together family holidays, discussed the news and were aware of all the events happening in the child’s life. Now you need to look for a new object on which you can pour some of your care and love. The feeling of loneliness is often mixed with anxiety: how is the child doing, is he coping well, is he bored, like you. Now you are left alone with yourself, and many have already forgotten what they are, what they themselves love and what they want. It's time to get reacquainted with this new person.

How to counteract the “empty nest” syndrome?

• Don't get attached to deadlines. Don’t compare your child with yourself at the same age: “I was still playing with dolls when I was 16!” or “I’ve been living separately since I was 18!” Each person has his own maturity period and his own pace of life. Instead, think about how you can help your child ease the transition to adult life, and here your experience and your mistakes will come in handy.
• Always stay connected. WITH modern technologies it's easier than ever. You can and should maintain a close relationship with your child, despite distances. The main thing is to maintain regular contact: through visits, phone calls, email, video chats. But don’t be too intrusive; it’s better to immediately determine with your child the frequency of contacts that is acceptable for both: for example, call every evening, talk on Skype on weekends.


• Look at things positively. You can't change your circumstances, but you can change the way you look at them. Instead of grieving that you have to return to empty walls every evening, be glad that you raised and raised the right independent person. Enjoy the opportunities that open up. How much free time and energy you will have to devote to your spouse, work or personal interests.
• Learn something new. It doesn't matter whether you'll hone your professional skills or discover new hobbies. There are many examples when people at an advanced age made completely new careers for themselves, starting to draw or embroider pictures, write a book, play a musical instrument, or learn a new language.
• Find a new object to care about. The simplest thing is to look with new eyes at those who remain nearby. Often, when children leave home, the feeling of a large and close-knit family disappears, which can lead to spouses moving away from each other and even to divorce. Bring romance back into life, pay more attention to the remaining family members, because now you have the time and opportunity for this. Surely your parents or your spouse’s parents will need more help and care now. But single people can also be helpful, and they can find a niche for unspent love. If you liked your child's involvement in school social life, then most likely you will be successful in any other form of volunteering: helping orphanages, nursing homes, the homeless, the disabled, animal nurseries, helping in religious communities, being active in housing associations . If social projects are not for you, at least get a puppy or kitten. Having a puppy in your home is like having a newborn, it needs so much care and love.
• Travel. And these don’t necessarily have to be distant countries and expensive resorts. Start by traveling to the nearest cities of the Golden Ring. What, are you sure that you know everything about your hometown? Try to dig a little deeper - many discoveries and new experiences await you!
• Work or earn extra money. I'm sure your professional skills will still be useful. You can devote yourself to your favorite job, or you can make your hobby a means of earning money. If the thought of not communicating with your children is unbearable for you, you can find work as a part-time nanny, an accompanying person, helping a neighbor’s child with homework, or just hanging out with him.
• Take care of your health. You have freed up time both for doing preventive measures: walking more, joining a swimming pool, doing fitness or yoga, and for direct treatment and visiting medical institutions, which is often very time-consuming.
• Take care of your appearance. Loneliness is not a reason to give up on yourself. Many beauty salons offer discounts for seniors or those who can visit in the morning. In the evenings, do face masks, take aromatic baths, and do facial exercises.
• Socialize outside the home more. It's time to renew friendships with old friends or find new acquaintances. Communication in in social networks. Surely you will find like-minded people living in the neighborhood to go to the pool or go shopping together. Or maybe go on a date?
• You can always seek professional help. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to seek help from a psychologist, even if it seems to you that the problem is insignificant and “happens to everyone.” If you feel that you cannot cope with a problem alone, then a competent psychologist will help you overcome it.

The consequences of the “empty nest” syndrome can be both negative and positive. Sometimes the inability to cope with the “empty nest” syndrome leads to further deterioration of the situation and more serious illnesses: depression, alcoholism, conflicts with the spouse, and even divorce. But often overcoming it gives life new meaning and a new push. Many families are mending frayed personal relationships, finding more time for new hobbies, and beginning to travel more freely. Don't focus on missing children and your loneliness, rather look at this as a new milestone in your life, which can open up a lot of unexplored opportunities for self-realization.

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Almost all parents face this situation - their children have grown up and... Often to another city and even country. “Empty nest syndrome,” as psychologists call this condition, can be caused by one of the spouses.

Here are some tips to help parents of separated children cope with this situation and their emotions.

“Empty nest syndrome,” when the youngest child leaves his father’s house after his brothers/sisters, can lead to worries, insomnia, a nervous breakdown, and increased anxiety. One can understand such a state, because for many years the house was noisy, children were running around, parents were busy with their affairs, there were a lot of worries. And now all this has stopped, a new stage in the life of the spouses has begun.

It is very important to understand that there is nothing terrible in this! Adult children must be independent and live separately from their parents. On the contrary, according to psychologists, parents often have to push their children to the idea of ​​moving and starting an independent life. Our portal devoted an article to this situation.

Therefore, moving children is not an evil at all, but a blessing! They got married, went to study or work elsewhere, and started their own families and homes. This is completely normal. At one time, you also left your parental home and went on a “free swim”. This is the thought you need to focus on first.

Children still stay in touch, there are phones and the Internet. Set a rule - at least one call to parents every day, at a certain time. A few words: “How are you there? Everything is fine? What's new?" - will help you stay informed about the lives of adult children and maintain close contact with them.

Remember that you are not only parents

Yes, you are spouses! Friends and lovers, albeit not as passionate as decades ago. Now you can devote much more time to the second half. Go on vacation just the two of you, go to the theater and cinema, just to a cafe, sit together, like in the old days.

If the couple was connected only by children, then during this period they may separate. According to psychologists, this is not so scary if there really has been no love between spouses for a long time, and they simply raised children together, “raised” them. Now is the time to think about yourself; new relationships are possible at any age.

If the spouses have retained mutual feelings, then it’s time to remember them. Don't need to cook for the kids? Treat the two of you to something delicious that you haven’t cooked for a long time. Now no one will definitely stop you from watching your favorite TV series together. You may be surprised how much you miss each other, the romance, the sweet conversations, the shared jokes and memories.

Remember your previous interests and hobbies

With the children leaving, parents have a lot of free time. It's time to remember that once you were good at embroidery and knew how to knit not only children's socks. You can also learn something new. For example, sign up for a dance class. Why not, there are dance clubs and groups specifically for those over 30. In addition, there are evenings for people of this age, where they meet, communicate, and can dance to the music of their youth.

Don't forget your friends too. If they are in the same position now, it’s time to communicate more often, together coping with the “empty nest syndrome” and remembering what kind of parties you threw before having children.

Assess the advantages of the new position

Yes, indeed, your position has many advantages. Now you only need to cook for two, food costs are significantly reduced, and you can save money by putting money aside for travel. There is no need to clean up the mess in the nursery, where even teenagers managed to litter and make a mess.

The house is quiet, clean, there is much less laundry... Aren't these advantages? Let us repeat, a lot of time freed from household chores can be used to great effect on your favorite activities and hobbies. Put a plus sign where you saw only a minus sign! In the end, your children are doing well and do not need your constant care.

Don't change your life radically

Psychologists warn that you should not radically change your life immediately after your children move. Some parents have a desire, for example, to sell an apartment and move to a dacha to live there permanently. Either change housing to a more modest one, or move with the children to another city. Do not hurry! Give yourself time to get used to the new situation, don't get excited.

Such decisions cannot be made when feelings about the departure of children are still fresh. You may later regret your actions. Live together for now in the same place, without radically changing your environment, habits and place. Children will come to visit, grandchildren will appear, whom they will “throw” to you during the holidays. And it turns out that everything is fine, life goes on and goes on as usual.

“Empty nest syndrome” is a normal condition! There are parents whom he bypasses, yes. According to reviews, some, on the contrary, were very happy to stay together, marrying off all their children. But still, in more than half of parents, this condition manifests itself to one degree or another. Especially mothers.

If you are worried about the fact that children now have their own lives, separate from you, take the advice of psychologists. Give yourself time to come to your senses and positively perceive the new stage of your life. You are still quite young and have many wonderful days ahead.

Understanding life makes life itself easier.

“I invested my whole life in him, I didn’t sleep at night, but he grew up, lives his own life and doesn’t even ask about his health.”

How often do we sometimes become disappointed in relationships, in children, in life. This happens when we do not receive anything in return, but invest a lot of our energy, time, and love into this relationship, into the children. But in the end, we are left with nothing in our lives.

The children grew up and flew away. And they don't even call. And questions remain, questions. Why did it all turn out this way: you give and give and get nothing in return? Why?!

Does the river flow from bottom to top?

When you look at little children and how they play, you see that they really want to be like adults. The girl takes the doll, and for her it is her daughter, she puts it in the stroller. The boy plays war, sees himself as a superhero who protects everyone. They want to be adults. We all strive for development, forward. Therefore, it is natural that parents constantly think about their children, but on the contrary, not always. At least this is not given by life. Children receive from their parents and later give to their children.

Why doesn't it work in reverse?

According to the system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, a mother has a strong maternal instinct towards her children. This is a natural, very powerful stimulus. Thanks to him, a mother takes care of her child unconditionally.

But children do not have strong anxiety and concern for their parents, instinctive, animalistic. It doesn't work in reverse. And this is also a natural mechanism, created so that children who reach a certain age begin to create their own families, and not remain forever with their parents.

And if you think about it, this is very wisely arranged. But sometimes, giving all of yourself to children without a trace, sometimes sacrificing your personal life, career, free time, we seem to have the right to expect something in return, some kind of compensation.

Unjustified expectations

And when this does not happen, we can be offended to the core. After all, we spared nothing for our children, and they? How could they do this? But these unjustified expectations from children often lead to poor relationships in the family, creating an oppressive atmosphere called: “You owe me, you owe me, you will never pay me back in your entire life.”

And the truth is: you can’t pay. This is an impossible task for anyone. Such a task is not worth it. But there is something else - honoring parents, and this is nurtured and formed.

Cultural superstructure

The instinct to care for parents is not given by nature, and it is useless to demand. This is a cultural superstructure that is instilled from childhood. The closeness from the emotional connection that the mother (!) creates with the baby develops in him the ability to feel another, to empathize and be complicit with others, including his parents.

Parents who instill selfishness in their children in the spirit of “don’t give a damn about everyone, and success awaits you in life”, in old age reap the fruits of erroneous upbringing: their children abandon them or “put them in” to a nursing home.

Children with an anal vector, due to the structure of their psyche, have a more developed attitude towards their mother as something sacred, and therefore such children usually do not have problems with giving to their parents, in particular to their mother. Since childhood, they have built close intimacy, friendship, and affection with their mother. But it is they who, if they have strong grievances against their mother, fence themselves off from her, as if taking revenge in this way.

Skin children have a sense of duty and responsibility. If the skin son or daughter is developed and realized, then they will really take good care of their parents. We are talking here, of course, not about a close emotional connection, but financially they will take care of their parents. If a person with the skin vector is not developed and not realized, then he, on the contrary, will sit on the neck of his elderly parents, without a twinge of conscience, count on their pension, and wait for an inheritance.

Visual children will care out of a sense of compassion if they have been taught this since childhood and are themselves in a realized state. Otherwise, it may be blackmail, a game for the public - in order to attract attention to “the unfortunate one.”

Our relationship with our parents is our relationship with a Higher Power.

System-vector psychology Yuri Burlana reveals a very simple and important law of life: a child’s relationship with his parents is his relationship with a Higher Power, with life.

How good his relationship with his parents is (more precisely, the child’s attitude towards his parents - regardless of what these parents were like), his fate is shaped. Resentment towards parents, the desire to disown them - poisons the life of the offender himself. Violating the laws of nature always distorts one's own life.

The training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan saturates and harmonizes a person’s life so much that he naturally establishes a connection with his parents and his children. This happens, in particular, because we understand the behavior of another better than he understands himself, and any complaints naturally disappear.

Parents who have the hardest time

Parents with an anal vector are more concerned about “repaying debts.” This is due to the characteristics of their psyche. The key words of anal people - “the past, the transfer of experience and knowledge” - play a cruel joke here, and therefore dramas between fathers and children often unfold, where both sides do not understand each other due to different natural properties.

People with an anal vector in their unrealized states are directed back to the past, where everything was different, not as it is now, but as it was with their fathers and great-grandfathers.

People with the anal vector are the best, most faithful fathers and the most caring mothers and wives, the best teachers. They do an excellent job of passing on experience and knowledge to future generations if they realize their properties for the benefit of society. But in their unrealized states, they pose a threat to themselves and their children. Without realizing their enormous mental potential, they will tend to constantly criticize their children, depriving them of the necessary praise and approval, rather than channeling it in the right direction.

And if such mothers or fathers do not realize their sexual potential, which is very high by nature, then this can result in beating their children. Unfulfilled anal dads raise their hands against their wives. And sexually unfulfilled women beat their children. They themselves do not understand what is happening to them at such moments, and are not aware of it. And this can happen again and again. Children suffer the most from this.

Of course, it’s not at all easy for women with an anal vector. They sometimes, having no help either from the state or from ex-husband, raise children alone, raise them, give them an education, forgetting about themselves, about their needs of soul and body, trying to give their children the best. Sleepless nights next to children. Missed potential relationships with men for the sake of children.

And when the time comes to look back at her life, she realizes that her youth is gone, she is already a gray-haired woman, exhausted by such a hard life, who worked several jobs. And then the grown-up children don’t pay any attention to her at all, and you won’t get words of gratitude from them. They will leave and not say thank you. As if it was meant to be. What should she do now? How to soothe your broken heart, to whom to lay your head and with whom to talk about this, so that they don’t judge, but understand?..

Giving to children - and what in return?

What kind of satisfaction can a woman expect who has given her entire life to her children and received nothing in return? What to do about empty nest syndrome? After all, man is the principle of pleasure. And what kind of pleasure could she get without sleeping at night, working three shifts, having lost her relationship? Why, even if everything is good on the outside, are we missing something?

The fact is that in our time giving birth and raising a child is not enough. Previously, yes. This was the role of the woman. This is where it began and this is where it ended. Today, performing the function of past eras, preserving and continuing herself through time, a woman is not filled with the meaning of life, does not receive pleasure. Today she will be a mother at least three times, four times, and she will have at least 10-15 children. And she will raise and educate everyone, and even they will all grow up to be decent people. And they will be grateful to you and give you something in return for your concern. It won't save you from yourself. Now it is impossible to live like 100 years ago and be satisfied with family life.

It is the lack of this gratitude from children and from her husband that creates a gap that a woman must fill by taking her talents and love out into society. Not only for your children and your small family, but by realizing yourself among others. There are children who do not know at all what mom and dad are and are not familiar with this connection. By giving them a piece of ourselves, our love, we are filled much more powerfully from them, from our giving.

Get out of the framework of “my family”, “my children”, take a broader look around where they need my qualities, my love. Today, women are setting the tone like never before. And the main thing she can do is to realize herself among other people.

And new knowledge will help you with this - system-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan. Register

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