My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything would be the same. Life itself began to lose meaning...

We lived like everyone else. No worse and no better. They tried, they worked, they raised children. There were many difficulties and problems, but we survived everything. We fought, made up, and went to visit friends on weekends. Everyone did their best for the children, and they gave them a good education. The children left their parents' home. And after that it became really hard. The relationship, which was already not good, deteriorated.

At one point, the ground seemed to disappear from under my feet. I didn’t believe that this could even happen. He left. Without saying anything, he simply left, taking his things. An attempt to start a conversation, to understand what the reason was and when he would return, failed.

My heart was breaking from loss and unbearable pain. I wanted one thing: for him to return, and everything would be the same. Life itself began to lose meaning.

So much suffering and worry. She did everything for the family, for him. The children left the parental nest, and it seemed that we had to wait for the grandchildren and raise the kids with him again. And he left.

Vain expectations in an empty apartment

How unbearable are the evenings in an empty apartment... Insomnia at night and crying bitterly: “He must come back! Why did he leave? There are so many thoughts in my head. I cannot remain silent, I need to speak, consult. I talk for hours, they listen to me, someone supports me, someone sympathizes, and someone tells me that I need to start living again. “But this is stupidity. How can I live without him? I want his friends and relatives to talk some sense into him, to shame him, so that he will come to his senses and return home. But they can't help me. I'm alone, absolutely alone. And from this loneliness, I feel like I’m burning.

Time passes, but I still continue to believe that he will definitely return. I know that for sure. Fortune tellers told me about this too. One day he will understand and begin to regret leaving. And then he will definitely return. Or he will hint that he wants to do it. And I will definitely accept it. People around do not understand how scary it is when a husband leaves after so many years of marriage. They don't see my pain. I only need him and no one else.

Everything is so unfair. And this terrible pain from the fact that he is not around, that I am left alone, eats away at me. I can't live normally, I want to breathe again and see the sun in the sky, and not feel the darkness that has shrouded my life. All friends and relatives began to disappear from the social circle. Even children keep conversation to a minimum. The apartment is cold and empty. All my attempts to somehow get out of this state come to naught.

And dusk comes again. And again this anxiety envelops my body and does not allow me to live. And I really want to live a normal life. As everybody. I see people who come together, diverge, come together again. They are happy. Why is it not like that for me? What should I do?

Where to look for a way out?

Dealing with your husband's departure is very difficult. It's not easier to start living again. There are people for whom the loss of a family is a real tragedy that divides life into “before” and “after.” And you can’t live “after”, no matter how hard you try.

As Yuri Burlan’s Systemic Vector Psychology explains, our attitude to certain events, our reactions, our behavior, our value systems, our desires and aspirations are determined by our innate sets of mental properties, which are called vectors. There are eight vectors in total. Each vector is a certain set of basic desires and properties for their implementation.

In this case we are talking about two vectors: visual and anal.

Family is the most important thing in life

For any person, family plays an important role. And for the owner, family is the main thing, it is the meaning of his life, the highest value. For them, divorce is the end of the world. They can’t comprehend how they can destroy the most valuable, the most important, the most precious thing in this life. Even if everything in the family was not so smooth. They are convinced that quarrels, misunderstandings, and dissatisfaction are not a reason to destroy a family. By nature, such people are the most faithful, devoted, reliable in the family, in friendship, and in work. For them, love, marriage, friendship - once and for life. And changing one spouse for another is like a disaster. Their psyche does not accept this. Neither for yourself nor for others.

By nature, such people are quite rigid, so they have a hard time adapting to changes. They are characterized by a special focus on the past. Along with an excellent memory, these properties are given to them to realize their natural role - to accumulate and transmit unchanged knowledge and experience of the past to the future generation. They often become excellent teachers and other professionals. However, it is precisely these properties that prevent them from being forgotten. Forget the spouse who left. Forget how good they were together. To forget how painful and offensive it was when he left. It’s as if a person is forever stuck in a past that no longer exists. Completely immersed in memories and loses touch with the present moment.

Guilt and resentment

What happens to such a woman when her husband leaves her? It happens that she begins to blame herself, looking for a reason, trying to understand what she did wrong. And the feeling of guilt does not allow her to live. But much more often she experiences deep resentment. Sometimes along with a feeling of guilt.

As Yuri Burlan’s Systemic Vector Psychology explains, justice is important for the owner of the anal vector. And for them, fair means equally, equally for everyone. You did something good for me and I am grateful to you. You deprived me, and I am offended. "How else? After all, they treated me unfairly.” And until it is equal, a person feels severe psychological discomfort. If he is guilty, he must correct himself. If they offended me, then I will not rest until they return what was taken away. And here a good memory does not allow you to forget. Resentment and memories of the past consume a person and prevent him from living now, preventing him from moving forward.

In addition, it is difficult for the owner of the anal vector to make decisions; it takes him a little more time to do this than others. And feeling offended, striving to do everything right, getting stuck in the past leads to the fact that a person cannot decide what to do next. And then the “standby mode” turns on: “My husband will definitely come to his senses, come to his senses, remember about me and come one fine day. And if he doesn’t come, he will hint that he wants to return. He will understand that he left me in vain. Only I can be best wife for him".

Love is life

Holders of the visual vector are distinguished by their emotionality. They have a high emotional range: from fear to love and compassion. From hysterics to deep, sensual relationships. They are the ones who can create emotional connections for real, feeling crazy love and compassion. For them, feelings are the meaning of life. In any case. In a good way, when it is love, empathy, tenderness, care. And in the bad, when it’s sadness, melancholy, hysteria, pity.

For a visual person, a break in a relationship is a break emotional attachment. It is like death and causes unbearable suffering. Many women have a hard time leaving loved one. But the spectators experience it ten times more difficult. An anal-visual woman with her family priority and exceptional memory is able to cherish her feelings for years, be sad about the past, and remain faithful to the past. The pain of loss and resentment involuntarily becomes a reason for visual swaying, quiet tears into the pillow at night.

The feeling that she is the poorest and most unfortunate, and no one can help her, is essentially visual pity for herself. Behind this is the desire to receive attention and self-love, so that people will give emotional support and understanding. Added to this is the fear of loneliness. After all, a severance of an emotional connection always leads to an acute loss of a sense of security, revealing inherent fears, sometimes even to the point of panic attacks. And this horror of loneliness sometimes leads to emotional blackmail, to exhaustion. Anything, just not to be alone. Because then it won't be so hard. It will become a little easier.

But after a while, even the closest people stop giving the necessary support. Which causes even more pain and causes distrust in the world. Endless visits to fortune tellers provide relief, but not for long. Because this is only a temporary release of tension and relief from fear and anxiety, an illusion of filling the emotional emptiness that arose in the soul when he left.

It would seem that a vicious circle arises. Starting a new relationship is difficult, there are many fears. Letting go of the past is difficult, there are a lot of grievances and expectations. Start living again? How?

There is always a way out

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan gives an understanding of the nature of the relationship between a man and a woman and explains the reasons for the breakup. Explains in depth the nature of grievances and emotional swings. This means there is a chance to understand yourself and be able to get out of the vicious circle. After all, when we begin to understand why we react this way and not otherwise, why one thing causes us pain and protest, and another is not important at all, these feelings cease to control our behavior, our life. Our emotional background changes, internal states are harmonized. This means that there is hope for change, self-confidence, life becomes more pleasant and joyful.

This also affects relationships with people. Because they find it more pleasant to communicate with a calm, peaceful person who enjoys life. In addition, we begin to better understand those around us, to see how they differ from us and how we are similar. This takes our relationship with the world to a qualitatively different level. When can I find it? correct solution in the most difficult and confusing situation.

The article was written based on training materials “ System-vector psychology»

My husband and father left us and our children. Married for 14 years. I am 41 years old, my husband is 38. This is the second marriage for both of us. From my first one I have a daughter, she is now 18 years old, he lived in his first marriage for a year - there were no children. He easily got along and fell in love with my daughter - she began to call him dad (she was only 3 years old), especially since my first husband officially abandoned his daughter. A year into our marriage, my current husband offered to adopt my daughter - I was in seventh heaven. We lived well, material well-being gradually came, we bought apartments, cars, relationships were like in every loving family.
After 9 years life together Our son was born - my husband was happy, so was I. All these years I worked, I was the head of a department in a large company, I was on maternity leave with my second son for only a few months, but my husband supported my desire to work. Two years ago he went to another city to work and came home every weekend. The relationship began to deteriorate. Since he had no intention of returning to work in our city, we made a common decision to move to him. Moreover, by that time the eldest had graduated from school and entered college in the city where her husband worked. We decided to sell the apartments, and I decided to quit my job. My elderly parents remained in my hometown, whom I eventually wanted to bring to our city, and all our friends...
When the apartments were sold, I quit my job, after 2 weeks my husband said that he would not live with us, he would rent us an apartment in his city, he did not explain anything, as I did not ask. It was a gut punch. I decided to move anyway, since my parents had nowhere to live, and my husband invested the money for the sold apartments in a new building in a new city.
Then I found out that my husband had left for a younger woman with someone else’s child.
He comes to his children for 3 hours on one weekend, and sometimes once every 2 weeks. I do not hinder communication, but encourage it in every possible way.
My husband gives me such pennies for food that I could die of hunger, my parents help me - they send me money weekly. I don’t know where they get them - they are pensioners. I couldn’t find a job for a long time - a foreign city, without any friends or relatives at all. I found it 3 months later, thank God, and this despite the fact that I was a manager for many years and earned good money. I could understand if he just left for someone else, but to transport us to a foreign city and leave us there without an apartment, work and money, WHY?
The eldest daughter is very worried, the youngest (he is 5) is at the subconscious level. The worst thing is that we are completely financially dependent on him, especially since the situation with the new apartment is unknown.
5 months have already passed, it’s nothing to say about my condition in words. I drink, smoke, take tranquilizers, cry, etc. The children are supportive. God willing, on new job Everything will work out and I will become financially independent. I really want to forget him, “let him go, forgive me” and I can’t cope with my emotions, why did he do this - not leaving for another - but why did he transport him to a foreign city and leave him without a livelihood? How can you betray like that? I believed him in everything until the very end; I was neither a housewife nor a slob. I am good-looking, I look much younger than my age, I was always in demand at work, I had many friends (who supported me over the phone and financially during these 5 months). Help, how to let him go - I don’t even want to see him?..

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Inna, age: 41 / 09/29/2011

Responses:

Dear Inna, not enough time has passed for you to forget everything and let him go. Be patient a little longer and a revelation will come to you. I understand your pain, I’m going through this myself, my husband left me and my child four months ago, cheating on me for a year behind my back. Last year he was with a woman 14 years younger than him, I forgave him, and in May of this year I discovered an SMS... they didn’t stop! I also look (10 years) younger - everyone says so. Like you, I’ve been working all my life and I’m a good housewife... but the betrayal is such that the pain tears apart all the veins and there are also a lot of questions. But I don't want to see or hear him. I changed my phone number because he texts me that he only loves me. That's all! He doesn’t do anything except SMS (keeps it as a backup option).
My advice to you: don’t ask yourself any questions - you won’t find answers! Even many years will pass - you will not receive an answer, it is better not to think about everything that happened (it is very difficult), but it is necessary for you. Let go of everything and live for today, trust God, go to the temple and tell your pain to God there... cry, let all the pain come out from within. Please, don't drink alcohol! This can destroy you, think about the children. Understand, they, these husbands, are not worth our torment, much less drink alcohol. (Imagine, when he finds out that you drink, he will be happy and think that you are because of him). Be strong in spirit! Pray more and talk to God. For some reason God sent you all this, the answer will come later. When it hits you, read it many times: “God bless this man.” When you feel very bad in your soul, read many times: “Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.” Tested, it really helps. I will pray for you and for the children that everything will be fine with you. You are still so young, you will definitely meet your person for life. Good luck to you and your children!

Elsa, age: 57 / 09/30/2011

Inna, hold on, you have Small child, and her daughter, she needs her mother’s example of how to cope with difficulties in life, but what are you showing her now? You are in pain, scared, but your children are looking at you: how you behave now is how they will behave in the future. adult life. Would you like your daughter or son to drink, smoke and take tranquilizers? I myself behaved almost the same way, I’m ashamed now in front of my adult son, and he’s already 24 years old. Now I pray in front of the icon, and it would be better if my son and daughter see me on my knees before God. You will rise, believe in yourself. You were a leader, which means you know how to organize yourself and others, don’t let yourself go, put all your will into your fist and go ahead, look for a job, climb the career ladder again, there is something for and for whom. I know that it’s not easy, I know that the pain cannot be drowned out, I am a leader myself, but I need to rise up, become as confident as before, but now not on my own, but with God’s help. Maybe we, female leaders, had too much self-esteem, maybe we need to change our minds, analyze everything, consult with a priest and tell God our women’s problems, and then help will be given from above. Honestly, as soon as I began to truly ask for help from God and the blessings of the priests, it became much easier for me! Inna, I want to support you, but you must help yourself. Now deal with the issues of future housing, where is the money for apartments, what does it mean he is building something, in whose name is he building? Don’t cry, you will take care of the property, the children are with you and you are responsible for them. There is no need to flagellate yourself with questions, 41 years old, everything can still be wonderful. May the Lord bless you.

Alla, age: 43 / 09/30/2011

Inna, 5 months for such a test is nothing, these are only the first timid steps on the path to humbling oneself before the providence of God. For a year I have been trying to somehow crawl along this very difficult, but the only true path, all the time I stumble over my terrible pride, but until I humble myself, nothing good will happen in my life, since God opposes the proud and only gives grace to the humble . Marina, maybe my words did not console you at all, but only after a year of my mental torment did I understand the most important thing for myself - I need to work on saving MY soul! The main thing is NEVER despair!

Ksenia, age: 40 / 09/30/2011

Inna, good afternoon. Your letter hooked me, and here's why. I have a very close friend who experienced a similar drama about five years ago. Only everything was much more complicated and tragic - she, having lived with her husband for more than fifteen years, gave birth to him good son, left everything that was dear to her in Russia - her parents, friends, work - and went to a foreign country, far away, because her husband’s mother lived there, because her husband wanted to go to the European world and a different life. And at first everything turned out well - a job for both of them, which she found, a gymnasium for her son, travel. Then her parents' apartment in Russia was sold, because her parents were going to move in with her and her husband, whom they loved like their own son - and this was the husband's initiative. And then the terrible thing began, Inna. My friend fell ill and was operated on. A difficult, masterly operation. And her husband, shortly before her operation, met a young woman on the Internet, declared that his love was unearthly, and, since his friend would soon die anyway, and he did not need her parents here, he began to extort the money received for the apartment. Blackmail, screaming and assault. She, a smart girl, stopped the violence by contacting the police and filing for divorce. And all this - after the operation. It’s hard to imagine the experiences of a teenage son. Her parents in Russia fell ill with grief.
And then this one amazing woman, left alone like a finger in a foreign country, taught her son. I grabbed any job. Having recovered from the operation, she confirmed her diploma. I brushed up my English on good courses. I entered business school, graduated, and found a decent job. I pushed myself until I lost strength - after studying, fitness, strength training on the simulator, as far as my health allowed.
And her ex-husband, quickly rejected by his unearthly Internet love, made an attempt to return, was sent away by my friend, and found a new Internet love. And then another one, and another one. And in the end, having almost lost his sight, he lives with his old mother in a tiny apartment, without work, without life plans, like a plant. The son stopped all communication with him. His mother is crying and calling my friend. But that's it - the train left long ago.
And my friend, a smart girl, said something like this: “You know, you live like this with a man, you courageously overcome all life’s difficulties with him, and another difficulty, and another... And then you look around, you start to analyze - and you understand that "Almost all the difficulties were created by the man himself. Due to his irresponsibility, short-sightedness, and simply stupidity, what have you."
A friend has a wonderful friend of her heart - a well-mannered, educated European. He asks her to marry him. But she is in no hurry - she has an established life as a self-sufficient woman. And the man, as she says, is only a part of her, nothing more.
Maybe this life story will cheer you up, Innochka. Our women can do ANYTHING - and a little more.

Mara, age: 40 / 10/01/2011

Dear Inna! I sympathize with you very much... Marriage problems are the most serious and confusing... As often happens, you let a man go to another city or just for a week, and no one knows how it will end. Probably the problems had been brewing all these 2 years, at some point he decided that it was better with the other one and she was nearby, less inconvenience, I’ll go to her. This happens very often, but this is not love - it rolls around, eats enough of it and perhaps returns, this has happened in our family. You now need to be strong-willed and take on any, any job. Stop drinking and smoking - this is not an option, remember, you have a goal - to raise children. The fact that he behaves this way... don’t judge him, anything can happen, his head is clouded by something. And think less about all this, you won’t come up with anything good. Raise yourself, go somewhere and believe that tomorrow will be better than today, and better yet, do everything for it now. I believe that you will succeed, because you led the company! Try to move on. Two children are a value that has no equal, some don’t have them at all! Love, love, love, and it doesn’t matter what - painting, books, music, the trees fall, but they always fall beautifully... Happiness, good luck and forgive everyone. All the will of God.

Irena, age: 23 / 10/01/2011

Inna, hello. The worst thing in the current situation is your flight into alcohol. And smoking is a lousy business. Before you have time to look back, your “look younger” will evaporate, and one “wonderful” day you will feel disgusted to look in the mirror.
I'm not even talking about personal degradation and destruction physical health, and with them - the degradation of life goals.
Tell yourself STOP before it's too late. A woman is a special being, created and existing on Earth to create beauty in all its imaginable forms. And she herself is beauty embodied. A person’s love for the world begins with love for himself, and a person should not love himself as such, but the divine creation, which should strive for perfection. And what will your children watch when their mother begins to stubbornly slide towards the edge of the abyss?
Your situation, Inna, is, of course, difficult, what can I say. However, it is not fatal. But it can become so if you do not give up the poison for the soul and body. It is better to deal with troubles soberly.
I understand how difficult it is for you now, how you want to talk to someone who understands and sympathizes with you. Believe me: everyone who answers you shares your pain because in one form or another they have known it, gone through losses and disappointments, learned the taste of betrayal of a loved one, lived without money, support, in a state of hopelessness. But everyone survived, survived and continue to live a new life.
Get up, straighten up, throw the swill down the sink, the smoke into the garbage chute, forever. Focus completely on children and work. Inna, I advise many, and I will not be too lazy to repeat it to you: transform all your energy of despair and pain and invest it now in personal growth, go to study, improve your skills.
On credit, in installments, ask to pay in installments. Can you afford alcohol and cigarettes? So find something more useful. You simply won’t have time to suffer, antidepressants (which are also expensive, especially of the new generation) will gradually become unnecessary, and in your new place you will show yourself to management as a promising employee, capable of advancing the assigned work from a modern perspective. Prosperity will definitely come as by-effect a properly organized life.
Studying is simply a magical remedy. It not only kept me afloat when I wanted to either hang myself or jump from a balcony, but it also became a springboard for a new career breakthrough. And, by the way, on the eve of issuing a pension certificate. Although, to be honest, it was very difficult: my husband betrayed me after 30 years of marriage, prolonged depression, then both elderly parents fell ill with hopeless diagnoses and I had to leave my well-paid job.
For a year and a half, I lived with my teenage daughter and paid rent on unemployment benefits (4,900 rubles is the maximum rate in our region, and for an apartment and telephone you have to pay 5,000) and a guardianship allowance for my daughter, which they stopped paying when my daughter turned 18 years, that is, 6 months after I left my job. All my not very large savings melted away quickly: my parents needed expensive medicines and care products for bedridden patients. My son helped, of course. But he has his own family and his own expenses.
On the eve of his birthday, he asked me: “Mom, what could we give you? Don’t let the amount stop you.” I answered: “Help me pay for my studies.”
This was the most priceless gift that cannot be measured in money. It brought me back to life. It was impossible to leave my parents, but 3 times a week in the evenings I passed the baton to my daughter, went to college, where the forgotten atmosphere of student life returned to me and gave me strength and optimism, making me forget about the bad. And this “bad” trembled, gave up and retreated. But not long before this, I reached such a state that I was forced to go to an appointment at a psychoneurological dispensary, since my mental strength had run out. The doctor looked at me and asked: “Did you take any alcohol today?” It looks like this was the expression on my face. Then, realizing that she had needlessly insulted the person, she apologized. And I couldn’t even really answer, the tears just flowed like a river. I say: “Doctor, prescribe me something. I have no more strength. For three years I have been living under bomb attacks: one misfortune after another. Now I have two bedridden elderly people. I had to quit my job, money is running short. in hell. There is no light. I feel like my life is over."
But it wasn’t the pills that helped me, which, of course, they prescribed me. The doctor’s advice helped me: “Every day, do something personally for yourself, something that can make you happy.” It was then that the idea came to me to go study. At first, on a subconscious level - just as an outlet, and then a rational understanding of the usefulness of the solution came. Someday this situation will end. After all, everything ends someday. How long will I be out of work by then? Which employer will be interested in me after such a break? Will I be able to return to my clip? Everywhere you need relevant experience, a break more than a year- and you are already number three hundred and twentieth in the queue. Especially when you are approaching retirement age.
But it’s a completely different matter when a person received additional education during these one and a half years, expanding the boundaries of his existing specialty. And here the minus in the employer’s mind turns into a big plus. And no one cares how old you are anymore. And the break in the resume expressively closes the entry: from such and such to such and such - institute such and such. In brackets: faculty such and such, specialty such and such, diploma with honors.
And who saw that this same person was sobbing in the psychiatrist’s office, being mistaken for an alcoholic? It remained a secret behind the scenes.
The parents recovered and began to look after themselves. And I defended my thesis and posted my resume on the Internet. Moreover, she did not hesitate to send her to places where age restrictions were specified. I ignored these restrictions. And I aimed for a service level that was higher than all my previous ones. This was a kind of challenge and a desire to take revenge.
I won a competition for a position with a restriction of “up to 40 years”, and at the same time I beat out younger and more eager candidates with very decent track records at the interview. And the decisive role in the management’s decision was played by my freshly baked red (and for me, truly golden) diploma, which very successfully complemented my first education and shaded my managerial experience in the subject area. This circumstance made a due impression on the general director, especially when I said that my plans include obtaining relevant knowledge in another related field in the next year or two, which will allow me to expand the range of tasks to be solved, and in general: I plan to be active professional activity at least another 10 years, and if health allows, even longer.
After this conversation with the general director, all other candidates were free. And I headed a promising project.
And the fact that on the day of employment, all my cash to support my daughter and I was 850 rubles, also remained a secret behind the scenes. Why would anyone know about this? In front of the future employer sat a savvy professional and a self-confident woman who had learned not to be afraid of anything. This was the main thing, the “dry residue” that fell out of the events of life as a result of a complex reaction.
Inna, we need to bless our enemies, offenders and those who made us suffer. Bless the suffering itself. Because they are not driving us anywhere, but straight into our bright future. This is me, in my own way, retelling the meaning of a saying once read in the Holy Scriptures. Now I am sure that everything that happened to me was for my good. What else can you call my current life? Now I mentally bless every day I lived in suffering, every night I cried and thank God for everything that I have experienced, for every wound in my soul.
And the fact that God opened my eyes to my husband’s betrayal, as I believe, is no coincidence on Christmas Day, I also accept with gratitude. Because this event radically changed both my life and myself. Undoubtedly - in better side. The one that turned out as a result of overcoming everything that happened is better than the one that was before. Stronger, kinder, more generous, more fearless.
Bless your scoundrel husband, Inna, and express your condolences to him in your heart. It’s easier for you: everything has already happened to you and you are already in the flow of events that carries you from worse to better. It can't always be bad. The darkest twilight is before dawn.
But your husband still has a long way to go. And it’s not a fact that he will be able to cope with the boomerang from what he did.
And I also strongly advise you: communicate more with your parents, write them long, very long letters, if it’s expensive to talk on the phone. Catch and appreciate every moment of their life. See how they care about you. They love you infinitely, they share their pension crumbs with you. The time will inevitably come when you will greatly regret that you spoke so little with your elders. You will miss this very much. Truly missed. And not like you are missing now a person whom, I assure you, after a while you will begin to despise so deeply that you will want to flush the very memory of him down the toilet.
Inna, turning points are sent to us as moments of truth. A person needs them to reassess values. A piano tuner comes to see me once a year, and although I rarely play now, the instrument still loses tune from simply standing still and begins to go out of tune. And then my master Alexander Vasilyevich takes out his tuning fork and begins long and painstaking work, going over each string inside the body, adjusting its sound to the standard.
So is human life. From time to time you need to check with a tuning fork to understand whether you are going the right way, whether you have chosen the right people as your travel companions, or whether you have elevated the right things to the rank of highest value. And absolute and imperishable values ​​become such a tuning fork, according to which a person’s actions are checked in moments of trials and in the face of temptations. Your husband's string burst, emitting a disgustingly false sound.
Don’t let the strings of your soul falsify and break, Inna.

Smilla, age: 55 / 10/01/2011

Hello, Inna! I decided to support you with my letter. Everything will work out fine for you. Take this as a setup. You are going through a difficult period right now and it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel... This is not true. You just need to go a little more, understand something... Draw conclusions. You need to accept everything with joy (everything from God), digest it, experience it. You don’t need to stop on this path, you don’t need to kneel, cry, try to go back, you don’t need to break the wall of this tunnel... You need to move forward step by step. This is your path, and you must go through it! Men don't go anywhere, they always go to someone. It is a fact. There is no traitor next to you now! Now direct all your energy to work and children. Schedule your life so that you don’t even have a free moment to think about it. Property acquired during marriage is very easily divided in half; also apply for alimony. You have the right to do so. You will have new acquaintances, new impressions. Not immediately, gradually all experiences will fade further and further. It took me 2 years to get up from my knees, not cry anymore and move on. Don't ask yourself the question "Why?" You won't find an answer to it... It's just how it is. Patience to you...

Elena, age: 34 / 10/02/2011

Hello Inna! You and I have the same situation, there is not much difference, I am a little younger than you and I have one child. Everything else is like a carbon copy - my husband went to another city to work, came for the weekend, the plan was to move in with him, they sold my apartment, invested money in a new home, and when everything was sold and things were moved, my husband said, that she loves someone else and doesn’t want to live with us.
My child is experiencing exactly the same as yours, he has an obsession that now I will abandon him, like dad.
I’ll try to tell you how I pull myself out of this state, maybe something will help you.
I left with him a good relationship For the sake of the child, he sometimes comes to us for a couple of hours and we go everywhere together so that the child can see that although mom and dad don’t live together, they have a good relationship. You write that you cannot understand his actions... don’t torture yourself, don’t look for the reason for his action, you won’t understand or find it, he just did it that way and that’s all. The main thing is, don’t blame yourself for anything, don’t delve inside yourself, don’t ask questions that you can’t answer. You work, take care of children, give yourself time and attention, books on psychology helped me a lot. Being alone is not as scary as being next to a person capable of such betrayal is scary. And it’s good that this happened now, you will still have the opportunity to find a person worthy of you. When I thought about this situation, I asked God: “Why is this happening to me? Is this a test or a lesson?” If it’s a test, then it must be passed with dignity; if it’s a lesson, then the Lord has shown me that I don’t need to be with such a person. And when you understand this for yourself, everything will fall into place. I wish you a speedy mental recovery!

Julia, age: 34 / 10/03/2011

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Life is too unpredictable to be sure that a relationship that turns into a marriage will last forever. Some people are lucky enough to meet their man, with whom they are hand in hand through thick and thin, while others have to go through breakups and even divorce on the way to this meeting. But since there is only one life and it is important to live it in such a way that it is not excruciatingly painful, many women who separated from their spouses for a variety of reasons need to understand for themselves further. This will restore peace of mind and restore confidence in your own attractiveness.

How to live if your husband left

Before the spouse decides to divorce, a lot of time will pass from the moment when cooling begins in the family. Not a single representative of the stronger sex will leave his wife or file for divorce after the first serious quarrel. They get too used to comfort to quickly create a lot of problems for themselves that will have to be solved as soon as they are left alone.

Men can endure complaints for a very long time, a reluctance to take care of their appearance as before, and a lack of common topics for conversation. And even if he had an affair and fell in love, it is not so easy to hurt someone else and admit to himself that he made a mistake when he got married. People do not want to feel guilty and will endure until the last moment in order to avoid its occurrence: living with people they don’t love, and enduring the antics of friends, and the inattentive attitude of their parents.

Therefore, when the husband slams the door and leaves after another quarrel, it will be quite unexpected, no matter how much the spouses had been arguing until that moment. And as soon as the passions subside, fear will appear in the heart that everything is over and there is no more hope.

In fact, his departure only means that he does not know how to cope with the situation that has arisen, he has run out of arguments, arguments, patience, only rage, anger and resentment are left, because he is not heard and his interests are not taken into account, and he doesn't have the courage to express them. And in relation to a weak woman, such an act can only be committed by a tyrant and despot. A normal man, when he cools down, will return, expecting changes. But so that his departure in such a situation does not become a tragedy and does not lead to a final break, it is time to think about what is happening and why the relationship has turned into a battlefield.

If you don’t think about and ask after he returns (and the first few times he will definitely return) what doesn’t suit him and tell him what doesn’t suit you, you should clearly understand that everything will end either in a life similar to serving hard labor, or his final departure.

When the husband has left completely and all the quarrels and debriefings have ended, you should not pursue him with calls, messages, requests to return or talk. Too much desire to see him and communicate with his parents will not help to establish mutual understanding, but will only cause even greater irritation and rejection.

Remember your self-esteem. This will not only preserve your sense of self-esteem, but will also bring real benefits. Because people try to avoid those who feel sorry for themselves and humiliate themselves. They look too pathetic. Therefore, it is much wiser to pull yourself together and be on top. This tactic is bearing fruit. When the husband notices that his wife is not crushing on him, is not running after him and is not hysterical, he begins to wonder if he was in a hurry to leave.

After all, when a person does not demonstrate that he is hurt, offended, does not try to show that he is ready to fix everything, just pay attention and do as he wants, the other himself begins to wonder whether he made the right decision, maybe he underestimated how he lucky with my wife. She reacts painfully calmly to his demarche and reluctance to clarify emerging problems, without which no family relationship can do.

What to do if your husband leaves

Despite all your attempts to stay away from him and not show how hurt you are, he still doesn’t call for a long time and doesn’t return, so don’t get hysterical and panic. This makes no sense, and it won't change anything either, it will only upset you even more. It’s better to decide right away: you want to return your husband, be free, or turn into a victim. You can return your husband only if he still has feelings, but he must realize this and take the first step himself. Trying to put pressure on a person will not achieve results; on the contrary, he will move away even more and become convinced that he was right.

Because it is unlikely that in your attempts to convince him to return, you will show restraint, calmness and fortitude. Most likely, you will cry and lose your composure. Men generally get confused at the sight of women’s tears, not knowing how to react to them correctly, and in such a difficult situation, they will also get angry, thinking that you are manipulating them.

Asking is always unpleasant, especially when it concerns personal relationships. And when this is accompanied by tears, reproaches, accusations and anger, anyone will want to run away from this. People have not learned to say that they are hurt and unpleasant because of what happened directly. They usually express this by blaming others, calling them traitors. And in this case, even the one who is really to blame will begin to defend himself. And another scandal, and even after a breakup, will only aggravate the situation and not improve it. So stay calm and do your best to stop when you want to dial his number and talk.

There is no need to find out how he is doing, how he ate, how he is doing with work, what he is doing. You can call only once, when you decide to apologize for all the bad and offensive words and actions that you have done towards him, even if you don’t know what exactly he was offended by and how they could have offended him. He knows about this.

When nothing else follows except an apology, he will understand that you are serious and really heard him and left the right of choice to him. Any representative of the stronger sex will appreciate this. One of the complaints against the female sex recently has been the reluctance of women to recognize the role of men in relationships and attempts to do and decide everything for them. It is difficult to say whether this is always the case, but they perceive any claims and demands as an attempt to infringe on their rights. It seems to them that by constantly criticizing and comparing with others, their loved ones obviously do not trust them and are trying to force them to do as they need, depriving them of initiative and the right to choose.

If the husband left for someone else, this does not mean that it is time to respond in kind. No new connections or attempts to make him jealous will help establish mutual understanding. Of course, jealousy can change the situation in your favor, since the stronger sex reacts very sensitively to whether other men like his woman or not, only how long his sudden interest flares up. When he disappears, especially since this has already happened once, you will again think about how to live without your husband, and another attempt to play on his sense of ownership will no longer work.

But communication with the opposite sex will allow you to feel like a woman and think about whether you need someone who has left for someone else, with whom she has clearly been communicating for a long time behind your back, someone who was afraid to say that feelings had faded away and did not try to revive them, or leave immediately.

Seeing interest in the eyes of men, any woman will feel better, although she is not depressed or neurotic. Since for them a breakup is a real grief that they can experience for years and the attention of the opposite sex will only force them to compare and always come to the conclusion that their husband was the best. And again tears, hysterics and complete loss of strength.

Therefore, it is very important to understand that any woman is capable of living without a husband and living happily, without being immersed in memories of a happy past, even if it never was, as happens with those who, for various reasons, are neurotic and have relationships they were neurotic. And in this case, you will first have to deal with your internal problems, and then decide how to live happily without a husband.

Don't give up, no matter what happens. Be true to yourself and believe that you deserve better. And if this man did not appreciate you or you made the wrong choice, this does not mean at all that everything is lost for you. Only those who are confident in themselves and that there will be a holiday on their street achieve success. Therefore, your task is to take care of yourself, pamper and love yourself so that this happens as soon as possible, and you are 100% ready for it.

How to cope with your husband leaving your family? How do you understand that your husband has left forever? Many women face this problem. Men often leave their significant other and go to seek happiness on the side. Of course, in this case the family collapses and it seems pointless to advise anything.

If the husband has left, then the woman is very often visited by a feeling of despair and hopelessness. She begins to experience psychological difficulties: she begins to doubt herself and her capabilities. When your husband leaves you, you don’t want to do anything, you literally give up. A woman, finding herself in such a situation, is often lost and does not know how to live further. A psychologist's advice can be useful to those who are desperate and have lost faith in their own prospects. Let's take a closer look at them.

Fight or let go

This is the most painful question that people have when breaking up a relationship. When a man wants to leave, he makes the whole family worry. The whole family gets involved in constant quarrels. If there are children or one child, then they also inevitably begin to experience mental suffering.

If the husband leaves home, it is the woman who has to decide the question: leave everything as it is or try to fight for love. When making a decision, she must be guided, first of all, by her own feelings. But in reality it often turns out that she listens to opinions for a long time blood relatives, before he gets around to actually doing something. She needs to try to understand her own motives and desires as soon as possible. We must remember that children will someday grow up and start their own families and move to live in another house. That is why you cannot initially sacrifice everything for the sake of the child, hide your individuality away.

Understand the reason

As you know, nothing appears out of nowhere. Everything in life must have its own reason. When the husband leaves and does not want to return, we must try with all our might to understand why this happened. In any case, the situation when the husband left represents a real blow for the psychological organization. Most women do not know how to behave, what to say and do if their husband leaves the family. At such a moment, it seems that the entire inner world of the individual is destroyed.

This kind of experience can drag on for a long time and significantly unsettle you. Meanwhile, when the man packed his things and left, it means that something was really oppressing him. It is necessary to gather your inner strength and properly understand the situation. It's best to do this right away. There is no need to put it off, it is better to experience everything at once, to say meaningful words. Otherwise, you will have to constantly live in doubts and guesses, trying in vain to understand what really happened.

Maintain dignity

The situation when the husband has left and does not call is quite difficult to even begin to forget. Insulted dignity dictates completely different ways of behavior, sometimes forcing people to do stupid and thoughtless things. Family life cannot take place in mutual reproaches and suspicions. We must refuse to look for those to blame and come up with all sorts of accusations against each other. There is no need to humiliate yourself in front of your husband and try to please him in everything.

What to do if your husband leaves? How to behave? A woman should definitely try to maintain her self-esteem. She must be aware of her own importance and integrity, confident that no one can destroy her internal state. Even the departure of a man should not become a tragedy. If it happened that your husband left you and chose to leave for someone else, or hide in an unknown direction, then you need to come to terms with it. The best thing to do is to immediately start thinking more about yourself and your own child. Love for yourself and your children will help you forget and overcome feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Express feelings

If the husband abandoned the family, then it is quite understandable that the former partners will be overwhelmed by purely negative emotions towards each other. It is very important here not to try to keep negative impressions to yourself. Otherwise, someday there will be an outburst of emotions, and all previously unspoken words will be spoken. Moreover, it is unknown in what form this will happen. If unsuccessful family life It is extremely important to be able to stand up for yourself. First of all, you need to understand own feelings, desires and aspirations. Then it will be much easier to explain to your partner.

How to get over a breakup with your husband? If your husband has left, you must definitely give yourself time for mental recovery. Still, this is a big blow, from which it is not so easy to recover. When their husbands leave them, some people don’t even want to live, let alone act purposefully while remaining optimistic. You need to allow yourself to cry when you want to. There is no need to be shy and hide your tears. When a family breaks up because the husband abandoned him, it is actually very difficult to forget what happened.

You cannot suppress irritation, anger, despair. It is necessary to try to live these feelings as fully as possible, then you will not have to return to them later. Many people ask whether they should call their ex-partner? If there is strong suffering over his untimely departure, then it’s better not to. There is no need to torment yourself needlessly.

Give up revenge

Revenge is bad way to restore justice. There is no way to regain your peace of mind using this method. When one partner leaves the other and leaves, the other is actually in a lot of pain. Revenge only allows you to get stuck in the same situation and return to it constantly. Psychologists advise you to start spending more time on yourself.

If your husband said that he doesn’t love you, you shouldn’t appeal to his conscience. Love cannot be demanded, it cannot be forced to return to the past. This won't fix anything. What to do if your husband left you with your child? Just don’t hatch evil plans! It’s not easy to forget about it, and you won’t be able to do it right away. Refusal of revenge will significantly save energy and preserve the internal resources of the individual.

Be friendly

As funny as it may seem at first glance, this recommendation really does help. But you cannot demand such a sacrifice from yourself. If a woman feels that she is not ready to smile and does not know how to behave in the presence of ex-husband who left her, it is better not to try to play an unpleasant role. Goodwill must come from the heart. There is no need to constantly return to the same question, force yourself to call him on the phone or come to visit him. Goodwill can melt the heart of even the most stony person, who, at first glance, is completely devoid of any emotions.

When a woman becomes affectionate and smiling, she is really nice to look at. It may happen that the husband who left in a fit of indignation will want to return to her in order to be close to her again. This is why treating your partner favorably works wonders. A woman herself has the power to attract a man’s attention. The only question is whether she will want to put in so much effort for the sake of the man who once treacherously left her alone.

Restoring self-esteem

After a breakup, a woman's pride is always wounded. She will definitely need some time to recover. You need to regain your peace of mind, come to your senses, and calm your thoughts. All this takes time. Don't rush and push yourself in every possible way. Still, the severity of a break in a relationship is tantamount to a major shock. To stop mentally returning to the past, you must definitely work through the difficult situation that has arisen.

How to forget a husband who left? You just have to keep living, no matter what. Strive to rejoice and notice meaningful prospects for yourself. Don't give up on new experiences. They are the ones who can help you recover and feel some comfort in your soul.

Openness

It often happens that divorced women begin to suffer from isolation. They no longer want to build relationships with men and do not strive to gain mutual understanding. And all because trust has been lost - an important component of their life. However, we must not forget about ourselves. Life is not over, it continues anyway. This must be remembered.

Thus, if a woman is wondering why her husband left me, she should not torment herself. It is necessary to carefully work through the situation in order to let go of anger, resentment, disappointment and focus on the joys of life.

If your husband left the family, this is not a reason to become hysterical and think that life is over. There are correct behavioral tactics that will help you avoid stress and solve the problem with dignity. We will share it in this article. You will learn why spouses leave their wives, how to react to the desire to file for divorce, and how to behave when breaking up. You will also decide what to do after the breakup of a marriage, whether it is worth returning the departed man and how to do it competently. You will find tips experienced psychologists and a way out of the situation.

Most often, psychologists name the following reasons:

• excessive care on the part of the spouse;
• lack of common hobbies;
• loss of sexual interest;
• deterioration of mutual understanding, constant quarrels;
• a woman does not take care of herself, forcing a man to be interested in other ladies;
• everyday problems.

There may be many reasons why a loved one decided to leave his wife and get a divorce, and not all of them are limited to cheating spouses or mutual claims.

If the lover has not yet left the family and is in no hurry to file for divorce, but intends to do so, the woman needs to show restraint and wisdom. Being overly emotional will only harm the situation. How should you behave in this case?

1. To begin with, psychologists advise talking and discussing the situation. A man must understand that it is much easier to destroy a relationship than to build one.
2. You should change your behavior, stop nagging your spouse, and reduce the level of control over him.
3. As soon as the man voices the reason for the separation, it should be eliminated, demonstrating that the relationship still has a chance to be restored. Praise your husband, pay attention to him, do not quarrel.
4. If a man has a mistress, it’s worth working on appearance, in every way to emphasize your beauty.
5. The house must always be clean, the refrigerator must be filled with food, so that a man feels comfortable and cosy.

Psychologists emphasize that in most cases, separation can be prevented, and sometimes a simple conversation saves from divorce. But overwhelmed by pride and resentment, the spouses refuse to hear each other’s claims.

To prevent a crisis, you need to talk, discuss problems and decide whether there is a way out of this situation.

How to behave during a breakup

If your partner nevertheless decides to divorce, you need to behave as follows:

• do not descend to tears and pleas, as this will be of no use;
• when saying goodbye, be distant but friendly;
• you should thank your man for the years you have lived together, make him nostalgic by remembering bright moments shared past;
• You need to look 100% so that a man can see what a beauty he is missing out on.

The main thing is not to seem like a victim. If a woman cries and begs, the partner wants to leave the house as soon as possible. If she looks distant and independent, grains of doubt may arise in him.

You need to talk to your lover without resentment or trembling in your voice, emphasizing the positive aspects in the relationship. All this can become an incentive for their future resurrection. You also need to take into account that often. Read here why this happens and how to behave.

What to do after your spouse leaves

And now the woman is left alone, what should be the algorithm for her actions? It all depends on the specific situation. If a man does not have a new girlfriend, it is better to behave as follows:

• occasionally meet in a common company or at parties, while looking chic;
• invite your husband to your place so that he can pick up the remaining things and at the same time remember the warmth of the hearth;
• if the couple has children together, spend time together, emphasizing the importance of family values;
• if a man is seriously offended, there is no need to ask for forgiveness; you should prove through your actions that the woman has repented (show how upset you are, say that you will improve).

Psychologists emphasize that a man’s departure does not mean a final separation. But if he already has a mistress, it will be more difficult to return his partner. Here you need to proceed as follows:

• no need to speak badly about the homewrecker;
• when meeting a man, you should look perfect;
• you need to find a suitor for yourself in order to awaken your spouse’s jealousy;
• You need to behave distantly and coldly, without showing your inner pain.

If the beloved returns and then leaves, and this has been going on for many months, you should make your position clear. The woman must emphasize that such a guest marriage does not suit her. She can find herself a boyfriend, saying that she will be able to live without a spouse.

Psychologists confirm that the husband’s constant departure and return is a sign of his indecision and unpreparedness for divorce.

The spouse is not ready for separation even if he is slow in submitting documents to the registry office. If a man is in no hurry to write a divorce petition, there is no need to rush him. A girl can send romantic SMS to her husband, occasionally meet with him - do everything to make the thought of breaking up seem stupid to him.

Is it worth bringing back my departed husband?

Many psychologists advise the lady to carefully consider the need to return her lover. What factors can influence this?

1. A woman must understand that a partner who left once can do it again, which means there will be inconstancy in the relationship.
2. If partners have feelings for each other, you need to try to save the marriage.
3. If a man decides to commit meanness or betrayal, it is worth restoring the relationship only in the most extreme cases.
4. After leaving and returning, there will no longer be the same trust in the family.
5. Restoring relationships will take a lot of time, which will most likely be wasted.

Not all unions deserve to be fought for to the end. But if a woman loves her husband immensely and cannot live without him, such a struggle makes sense.

Do you want to know all the ways to quickly get your loved one back after a breakup? We recommend reading free book Alexey Chernozem "How to get your loved one back." You'll get a step-by-step plan on how to make him want to come back again.

The book is free. To download, go to this page, leave your e-mail and you will receive an email with a link to the pdf file.

Ways to get a man back

To return your lover, you need to act as follows:

• it is necessary to meet as often as possible, but not to be intrusive;
• you should always remind a man about a happy past together;
• if you have common children, you should meet with the whole family as often as possible;
• You should occasionally ask a man for help around the house or advice on repairing equipment, emphasizing its necessity.

A man should feel connected to ex-wife, understand that they will always have a past together. Thanks to this, it will be possible to maintain relationships and achieve rapprochement between quarreling partners. If your spouse left for his mistress, use ours. Here are the reasons why this can happen, the role of children, magical rituals what not to do.

You will find a lot of useful information here, where it is described in detail. We answered the questions: what conspiracies will help solve the problem, what a woman’s behavior should be, and what to do if there are children.

Listen to the main mistakes women make when trying to get their husbands back:

How to move on after a breakup

Sometimes a woman goes to great lengths after a divorce, trying to survive the breakup in this way. Psychologists advise not to rush into the arms of other men and not to look for casual relationships. Now it's time perfect time for self-care. It’s worth changing your hairstyle, updating your wardrobe, going on vacation. this article will help. Here it is written about 7 steps that need to be taken, how to let him go and not suffer if you live together, how to understand that the feelings have passed.

The best medicine after a breakup is a new relationship with another man who will make you truly happy. We recommend watching new free video course Alexey Chernozem "12 laws of seduction for women." From the course you will learn how to attract his attention, encourage him to get to know him, interest him and captivate him.

To watch, click on this link, leave your e-mail and you will receive an email with a link to the video.

A woman must learn to love herself and stop blaming herself for the divorce. Gradually, from such love she will blossom, basking in the attention of the opposite sex. If difficulties arise, we have prepared other tips on how to: We told you how to behave, how to survive a blow, especially if you have a child.

How to behave after a breakup, watch this video:

Divorce is far from the worst thing that can happen to a woman. It is not easy to survive a breakup with dignity, but by stopping blaming yourself for what happened, the lady will find not only the disadvantages of the breakup, but also the advantages. And maybe you don’t want to return your ex-spouse at all.