This information is not only general educational! Alcoholism is a family disease and we carry out treatment and preventive measures not only with the patient, but also with his relatives. We create individual treatment programs for each case. Free telephone consultations and individual work with a psychologist. Seek professional help

There is a lot of detail about the wives of alcoholics: why don’t they get divorced and change their lives?

Wives of alcoholics- sick people. This cruel phrase captures the meaning of codependency. The fiancée or wife of an alcoholic, having mental trauma with early childhood, has the illusion that in a relationship with an alcoholic she is needed, loved, saves him, and therefore is smart and a heroine. Why is this happening?

Should we save an alcoholic with constant withdrawal from binge drinking in clinics or regular treatment at home and wait for changes? No, this scheme does not work, you continue to cover up his drunkenness - undergo comprehensive treatment and only then will life change!!!

Brides of alcoholics - who are they?

These are women, girls who deliberately choose flawed partners for themselves, whom they can regularly “drag”, “save”, “change” and so on. It is typical that such women will avoid normal and adequate men, since in a competent adult relationship there is no need to influence someone, but you need to open up yourself. And this is precisely what women do poorly. We'll tell you why below.

For now, let’s say that “rescuers,” which are the future wives of alcoholics, are NOT interested in a person recovering from alcoholism. If the disease is chronic - alcoholism is such a disease - the patient must be helped to recover. And for this you need to do everything that doctors do: treat, do not get involved, do not regret. But the wives and fiancées of alcoholics do the opposite. They do alcoholics a disservice and also hope that they will cheat on their husbands later on. And while she’s not married, they indulge his weaknesses and don’t come to him with corrections (if I get married, then I’ll make a man out of him!), but they suffer courageously.

Comprehensive solution to the problem: individual approach and consultation

In all relationships with alcoholics future wives are focused only on their partner. What is he like? Why does he drink? How to deal with this? These girls are silent about themselves, their plans, their needs. This happens for the reason that from childhood they are not accustomed to having confidential conversations and revealing their souls. Surely the family where the codependent grew up is a problematic family. And some women will begin to furiously deny: they say, everything was fine! But that's not true! This means that outwardly everything was good, but the soul did not receive proper nourishment, either the father or the mother controlled and constantly expected something from the daughter, so that she was used to “earning” love and being on the alert. And if her parents drank, then it is clear that since childhood she was accustomed to control, to keep her finger on the pulse, to eliminate the consequences of her parents’ drinking, so that no one would suspect anything. There was no happiness, what remained was pain, distrust of the man, and the desire to do everything differently in my family at all costs, despite the problematic family of my parents.

But a positive binding, just like a negative binding, is still a binding. And acting “on the contrary,” in essence, the girl finds the same problematic man and tries to prove to herself that she can do it. And it doesn’t even occur to her that the only way to “prove” is to find a non-problematic man.

She tries her best to “make” him into a human being, initially seeing something flawed in him. A logical question arises: if he is such a “wretch,” then why are you going to marry him. The answer is: I love him. But this is not love. Love is when you accept it as it is. But the fiancée of an alcoholic does not want to accept him at all. Her only desire: to correct. Take control of the situation. Control. Only then will she calm down, because she has known this scenario since childhood.

At the same time, she is terrified, to the point of panic, afraid of being left alone, because she needs a sense of support, again, from childhood, but it is not there. Marriage, as a fact, becomes her rear and cozy protection, armor from the real world. I'm married, which means I'm accomplished. I'm like everyone else. I'm no worse than others. And the last phrase mainly plays a key role. To be no worse than others means to be on an equal footing. The very thing that never worked out in childhood had to be proven all the time. In the end, the girl is still marries her alcoholic boyfriend. And... discovers that she turns out to be even more lonely than she was. She doesn’t love herself and considers herself second-rate, unworthy of love. And her alcoholism does not give her the feeling that she is doing well, no matter how hard she tries. And her self-dislike is only reinforced from the outside. Plus she receives absolutely no gratitude for “trying so hard.” And she just can’t understand that she is trying for herself, and gratitude on the part of the one who is being forcibly changed is impossible in principle.

Alcoholic's wife. Marriage without love

No matter how codependents convince others about their feelings, there is no smell of love in their relationship. If there was even a drop of love in the relationships of such people, alcoholics would quit drinking. Because true love is expressed in a completely different type of behavior. Which provokes changes. But the wives of alcoholics come to the opposite conclusion: their husbands become drunkards completely.

Main feature wives of alcoholics- boundless, universal faith that they can change a person and decide their destinies. But this is impossible! People do not change under pressure, they have such a property as resistance. This is a normal psychological defense, a mechanism developed over centuries and even, probably, millennia.

Wives of alcoholics - often either the only daughters or the eldest daughters in the family. Either their domineering parents criticized them very much, demanding that they achieve some heights, or they did not praise them enough, forcing them to almost beg for affection and approval. In both cases, the lack of love gave rise to an internal, unfulfilled need. She did well in school, she was an activist, and all this was done unconsciously in order to be praised for something. And this is disastrous for girls from the very beginning. Boys can be praised for something. Girls should be loved just like that, for what they are. Otherwise, crippled codependents like these grow up. And it’s not a fact that they will find themselves an alcoholic or drug addict, but definitely some person who will underestimate them, and thereby reinforce their picture of the world.

Desperately low self-esteem does not even allow her to look towards those she really likes. She will obviously choose someone who is not particularly pleasant to her, she will feel disadvantaged, but still unworthy of the best. Receiving pokes and slaps from an “undeserving” person is moral (and sometimes physical), but he won’t even think about just stopping this running in a circle. No! She will try to please, try to be better. Because it’s more common this way. Because this is the only way of life that is familiar to her, and therefore safe. And the danger of being yourself, of showing character, means scaring away all the suitors. And no one needs her anyway, ugly, bad and... the list can be endless.

She married an unworthy drunk/drug addict. What's next?

As before, it will not occur to her that she is a worthy woman. And in general, her psyche has long been sharpened for completely different experiences. To experience the fullness of life, she needs heroism. It is through these everyday exploits that women, wives of alcoholics, gain a sense of significance and worth. She lacks adequate self-esteem, and in order to feel like a normal person, she needs to “prove” to someone that she is like that. Here she proves it. To my husband - emphasizing how hard he is trying. To society - persistently creating a picture of an ideal family, even when everything is sewn with white thread. For children - even if their father beats them and vomits on their toys, mommy will hide everything, put it away, pretend that “daddy is just tired.”

This constant struggle with myself does not stop for a minute. At the same time, she is not really going to start treating an alcoholic, stop (at least!) covering up his sins. What for? Who should we save then? Why does he need her then? And then - oh my God! - he can leave her. And she won't stand this. Then she will have to realize that she is lonely. And she remembers that she is alone and with her alcoholic only when he is drunk and insane. And she is completely alone and defenseless in front of the real world. And there is no one to bury in the shoulder, because a completely insensitive fat tail is lying nearby. Which also causes purely physical inconvenience (walking around, covered in vomit, stinking up the whole house, and so on).

The awareness that her life is an illusion is quickly blocked by urgent needs: tidying up, washing, cleaning. Put the children to bed. And there, you see, he sobers up, and again - it’s like an idyll. It seems like a family.

A girl raised in a problematic family retains throughout her life the need to forcibly control reality. Do your best to prevent your life from falling apart. The root of this thirst is children's powerlessness to change anything. She was already weak! It's time to take the reins into our own hands. This is how he lives...

Why are codependent women like this?

Women with catastrophically low self-esteem do not get married, but pop out. Whoever paid attention first, who caressed him, with that comes “love.” Because who else will take it, who needs it? Only an alcoholic, and thanks for that. And she doesn’t even realize this to herself.

Low self-esteem- a great field of activity on the basis of which you can nurture your unfulfilled needs. “I’ll prove to him how wonderful I can be. And I am the mistress, and the wife, and the mistress! With me he will become ideal and stop drinking, where else will he find such a wonderful thing.” And if a man has children from a previous marriage, it’s even better: the need to feel like a heroine plays like a pioneer bugle. This is an unplowed field of possibilities. Here you will prove yourself to be a nurse, a supernanny, and generally a smart and beautiful person. However, the man is in no hurry to appreciate, he continues to drink, the woman’s enthusiasm gradually fades, and irritation increases. The time has come to teach reason.

Moreover, the motivation becomes the rule “from the opposite”, which has never led anyone to anything good. “If I don’t stop my husband from drinking, I’m nothing and no one can call me.” And why? Because since childhood she believes that she is a nonentity. This was instilled in her. And now she, wounded, lives with it.

And real needs make themselves felt. Aggression arises, the need to scream. That's why wives of alcoholics scandalous, nervous, often have excess weight(as protection from the world), unkempt (I have no time for that, I have to do something, and anyway he doesn’t sleep with me, that’s the point).

Considering herself an appendage of a man, a woman tries to command him, humiliates him along the way and makes it clear what an insignificance he is (and the longer the marriage, the more often this happens, because bitterness and resentment accumulate). As a result, the husband drinks even more, the wife suffers even more, and there is no end in sight until something happens, or the exhausted woman decides to divorce. But if she doesn’t change herself, she will find... another alcoholic.

What should the wife of an alcoholic do?

Before it’s too late, the fiancée of an alcoholic, and even more so his wife, should ask herself two questions. The first is what I'm moving towards. The second is who is next to me.

Answer yourself honestly. And don’t confuse the questions! Otherwise, you will find yourself straight in hellish conditions of existence. The most important thing is: what you want, not who is nearby. Because the one next to you is pulling you down. And with it you are definitely going nowhere! And if you know the goal, then why do you need SUCH a satellite. How will he help you along the way? Nothing, to be honest. It will only get in the way.

Remember, dear women. An alcoholic is an irresponsible and childish person. And if he himself doesn’t try to improve, didn’t try before marrying you, doesn’t try now, then you will face loneliness together, a difficult life, raising children alone, spending money on a person who is essentially a stranger to you. He will shift all the blame for the “wrong” upbringing onto you. You will always be to blame for his “crippled” fate. At best, you will meet old age alone and healthy. But most likely exhausted, beaten many times by her husband, and unhappy. And no one needs it anymore.

WHAT TO DO?

It would be good to start taking care of yourself. This is the first thing an unloved and unhappy woman should do. At a minimum, stop doing what you are doing now: don’t put his problems on your shoulders.

Think about those limits, the boundaries beyond which you cannot cross. What kind of humiliation are you no longer ready to accept? It is gradually important to reduce the boundaries of what is acceptable. Today you forbid hitting yourself. Tomorrow - call me names. This is conditional, but that’s the gist of it. Shift the boundary gradually. It still won't work.

It's time to learn to restore your self-esteem. By any means. From banal repetition in the morning to myself in the mirror, “I am worthy, I am no worse than others. Not the coolest, but not worse either. I'm worthy better life. I'm just a decent person. And you can’t treat me like that.”

It won't work right away, don't expect it to. Just keep going. According to the estimates of those who were once in your shoes, at least six months pass before the consciousness begins to rebel against the difficult life in which you find yourself. Step by step. Just go. The one who walks will master the road.

Trust! There is psychological help. That's what she exists for!

Learn to defend yourself without aggression. This is also hard. Unusual! But you absolutely need to learn this! At least to save your energy.

Continue to take care of yourself. Spend time and money on yourself. Elementary: lie in the bath for 15 minutes! Also care and relaxation. With all your might, cultivate the woman within you. Worthy, good for no reason - by default, desired. The real you!

Forget about whether you were right or wrong. No mistakes. I have experience. Yes, this is how you lived. Well then. It's never too late to live differently!

NEVER listen to those who claim that everything is your fault.. Listening to those who can help you get out and understand where you are going wrong will improve your life. Feel the difference! Not “you are bad and you are to blame,” but you just did the wrong thing. Do it differently, life will change.

Steps to change for codependent controllers or how to cure an alcoholic husband!

As long as you keep your finger on the pulse of the situation, you imagine yourself as an almighty god. Without which the world will collapse. We will hasten to reassure you. WON'T collapse.

Victim wives are great at declaring how unhappy they are because of their bad husbands. They achieve feelings of guilt through tears, statements about their suffering, and know how to evoke pity for themselves. Combining strict control and orders with soft tactics, they stubbornly hope that their spouse will stop drinking. However, he doesn't quit. He is comfortable drinking to avoid responsibility and create drama. And it’s convenient for her every time to feel like an omnipotent and a sufferer, from this she gets a kind of pleasure, since she sees herself as a holy martyr, and it’s so nice to be better than others, “holier” and “kinder.” And higher! Oh, how sweet it is to be above others. In vain she despises her husband and needs him, because it is to him that such a woman proves how great she is. This is how they live, clinging to each other with “their problems.”

And such people will not get divorced, they will suffer and at the same time need each other, until one of them comes to their senses and tries to do at least something with their clues.

Trying to take control of everything leads to constant depression. Since control is a distrust of the processes of the universe, the universe, God, if you like. This is self-defeating behavior. The controller always runs out of steam because he is powerless. Mental pain and deepest fears are activated, the feeling of defenselessness and loneliness, emotions of mistrust and self-rejection intensify.

To get rid of the desire to control, you need to learn to believe in yourself and trust yourself!

You need to learn how to properly express your negative feelings. Now there are a lot of trainings and specialized classes. If you are afraid of these “terrible” words and think that all these are “sects”, at least follow the advice of our ancestors: aggression can and should be relieved through work, sports, communication with nature, conversations with those you trust. But it is much more correct to turn to specialists. It is necessary to learn to work with aggression, otherwise the “naughty world” that you cannot control will destroy you with your own aggression, which you simply will have nowhere to put.

1. Stop living the life of an alcoholic. Why are you wasting your time trying to make sure how he is feeling? 2. 2. Let him do as he sees fit, he’s not a small child. And even if something happens, he will be smarter. Stop babysitting him like a baby.

3. Remember that when you save someone who, by the way, often doesn’t ask you to do it at all, you simply continue to reinforce his behavior. He knows that he will be saved, you know that you will not go anywhere and will save you. The wheels are spinning. Life slips away like sand through your fingers. Where?..

4. Stop paying his bills and debts.

5. Stop “excusing” him in front of his family and friends by explaining his actions. Find the courage to say honestly: “He’s drunk.” Let him be responsible for his actions.

6. Stop taking him home, drunk. He'll get there on his own.

7. Stop looking for him if he disappeared somewhere drunk. Its difficulties!

8. Is it unpleasant to walk next to a man who is swaying from alcohol? Don't go! Are you being dragged by force?

9. Stop doing for him what he can do himself when he gets sober. Why are you washing his clothes? Place it in a plastic bag so it doesn't stink. If it gets in the way, throw it away altogether.

10. Stop making excuses for him to everyone and everything. Ashamed? For him? Why are you ashamed? Let him be ashamed.

11. Stop carrying a cart family responsibilities. Let him do his part.

12. Find the courage to voice your needs and wants. And don’t expect that you will be heard or that they will do something. But at least you say this! And you will understand what is happening and whether they are ready to meet you halfway. And if you are not ready, you will understand whether you need it?

13. Stop reproaching him for the fact that you helped, and he is ungrateful. It was your initiative. Were you asked at all? What should I thank you for? If you don’t like the lack of gratitude, just don’t do anything else for him. That's all.

14. Remember that the best we can do for others is when we stop being a victim and a controller. Give others the opportunity to take care of you and show their qualities. You don't give it! You do everything for the people. And you decide for them. Of course they get angry and feel inferior. Vicious circle.

15. Learn to love and respect yourself. This and only this will solve your problems, and nothing else. Perhaps you will never rehabilitate THIS particular alcoholic. Or maybe, God willing, seeing your changes, he will begin to change. But if you change, you yourself will prefer a completely different life. And next to you is a completely different person who respects and appreciates you. And an alcoholic has the right to change or continue to drink too much. It's his choice. Not yours.

From the editor: members of our club often send questions about what to do if your husband drinks. We present to your attention an excerpt from the book by Valentina Moskalenko, psychotherapist, doctor of medical sciences.

IN family counseling Family members of someone with addiction often ask the same question.

- Tell me, how should I behave?

- Don't know. What do you have in mind? Conduct yourself so that what happens as a result?

- So that he stops drinking.

- Such forms your his behavior does not exist.

- How so? I came to find out...

There is an expression of disappointment on his face. I see that my client has come to learn how to control, restrain, and stop the drunkenness of her loved one, and I, a consultant, immediately declare that I do not know such forms of behavior. But I know something else.

A distinctive feature of the wives of alcoholics, as well as other codependents, is controlling behavior. Wives, mothers, sisters, fathers, husbands, brothers of patients with addiction are controlling loved ones. They believe that they can control everything in the world. The more chaotic the situation at home, the greater the effort to control. They think they can curb their loved one's drinking or "ban" their drug use. They think they can control others' perceptions through the impression they make. It seems to them that others see their family as they portray it.

Codependents are confident that they know better than anyone in the family how events should happen and how other family members should behave. Even during a consultation with a psychotherapist in the presence of other family members, the mother makes an imperative remark to her 21-year-old son. “When they say goodbye, they look into the eyes.” Codependents are afraid to allow loved ones to be who they are by nature and to allow events to flow naturally, to let life take place.

To control others, codependents use various means - threats, persuasion, coercion, advice, emphasizing the helplessness of others. “My husband will be lost without me,” “My son cannot understand the need for treatment, so I have to put him in the hospital.”

Manipulation and guilt are often used as a means of controlling others.

Control is direct coercion, an order, a demand, a statement: “Do as I tell you.” Manipulation serves the same purposes, but achieving the goal occurs in cunning, subtle and more disguised ways. If I manipulate another person, then I will not honestly tell him: “I need this and that from you.” I'm afraid to ask directly, he might say no. But I can make him feel guilty, and then he will easily fulfill my will. I can put him in a position without a choice, I can use flattery, temptation. So I'm manipulating.

I once heard a 70-year-old mother tell her 43-year-old son, “When you talk back to me, my heart hurts.” Who will object to her after this? Moreover, the heart disease is real, she suffered a heart attack. She manipulated her son. He no longer dared to object.

To manipulate means to set traps, temptations, and use cunning tricks in order to subjugate another person. If a wife pursues sexual intimacy with her husband not for the sake of sex itself, but in order to achieve the desired behavior of her husband (“Be sober, and we will always have good sex”), then the wife manipulates with the help of sex.

Even if manipulation achieves its goal, close person does what his codependent spouse demands of him, then the relationship is still darkened bad feeling both have. You can manipulate objects, such as dolls. They are inanimate, and you can do any tricks with them. People are alive, so they don’t like to submit to someone else’s will; they perceive it as violence. People are resisting. For every action there is a reaction.

It's easy to recognize rude, conspicuous controlling behavior. An iron hand ruling from a self-captured throne. Tyrant. Dictator. Despot. A ruler with great power. In alcoholic families, such a tyrant can be a sober wife. She may not allow a drunken husband into the house, she may beat him, deprive him of food or something else. Obviously controlling behavior is also observed in the wife, when she drags her husband to a consultation, secretly slips medicine into his tea, and drags him out of the hospital. Either he looks for bottles of alcohol, pours alcohol into the sink, kicks him out or tells off his friends over the phone.

I recently talked with the wife of an alcoholic who was discharged from our clinic a month ago. Naturally, I asked about his condition. The answer was in such a form that one can guess how much the wife controls her husband’s behavior. She said:

– During this month I have no complaints about my husband’s behavior.

As if she is the Quality Control Department (technical control department) and checks the quality of the product. I will note in passing that she did not look happy or satisfied. The expression on his face is firm. It seems to say on it: “Don’t relax. Remain vigilant. My control is needed here.”

Controlling behavior– an outstanding feature of codependents. From rough pressure to an insinuatingly tender attitude towards loved ones in order to impose your will, your vision of the problem, your coercive tactics.

Milder forms of controlling behavior are more difficult to address. Under the guise of tenderness, selfless care, affection and kindness, she does the same thing - deprives him of responsibility for his life, paralyzes his will. When I hear a good wife's story about how she nurses her husband during a hangover, I pay attention to how much sweet molasses she pours. And he will give you medicine, and brine, and whatever he wants. I just want to interject: “Yes, with such care, I would drink it myself!” All this is also controlling behavior of the wife.

Victim wives are good at controlling others. Sighs, tears, statements about one’s exorbitant suffering, about one’s weakness and helplessness, the ability to evoke pity for oneself, and in others a feeling of guilt - these are the transmission belts of control over others.

Wives of alcoholics can combine rough and soft tactics of controlling behavior. They think, maybe something will work. Nothing works, but they still hope. Finally, they come for a consultation and ask the question: “How can I get him to undergo treatment?”

The purpose of control is to force. Force other people to do as codependents consider necessary and correct. And not only to do, but even to make you think and feel in the way that would be correct according to the thoughts of codependents. To force life to unfold to the extent and at the time as they, the controlling people, designate. Their calling is not to allow anything to happen without their command or permission, to hold on and not let it take its course. Stop the flow of life, change people and arrange everything the way they like. As the popular song sang: “If I invented you, become what I want.” So who do you want to love? real person or your own idea?

Oh, I seem to spend too much time thinking about my clients' problems. I'm reading fiction, but I think about them. Today I picked up the historical novel “Origins” by M. Aldanov. I’m reading A. Chernyshev’s preface to the novel. And I find words about the uselessness of controlling behavior not only in family life, but also in history. A. Chernyshev writes: “...at all times, attempts to change the world for the better through the use of force, to create a “new man” invariably failed, history never followed the path on which they tried to direct it” (Friendship of Peoples magazine, 1990, No. 8. – P.76).

The husbands and children of controlling women do not live their own lives. It's like they're writing a dictation. Life from dictation. Real life is more like an essay than a dictation.

This is where I have to give codependents some bad news: controlling behavior is self-defeating behavior. Even if you manage to force someone to do something, the price for it is high. The price is the destruction of relationships with a loved one. In this case, the situation turns out to be that codependents not only cannot control someone else’s life, but they lose control over their own life.

An attempt to take control of almost uncontrollable events leads to depression. Codependents view the inability to achieve goals in matters of control as their own defeat, as a loss of the meaning of life. Repeated defeat worsens depression. On such gray days, it seems that the past is meaningless and the future is uncertain. Previously suppressed emotions of fear and mental pain are activated. Previously, controlling behavior was intended to mask pain.

Recovery from depression is achieved through a state of peace, calmness towards oneself and others, trust, acceptance of oneself with all one’s real feelings.

Control is a direct response to our fears, panic, helplessness, and loss of trust. When things go wrong, we can stop trusting ourselves, God, the higher powers of the Universe, and the very process of life. Trust disappears, the control button turns on. If you manage to regain trust, then the need to control may go away as unnecessary.

It is known that codependents do not trust themselves, do not trust their feelings, their decisions, do not trust other people or try to trust people who are not trustworthy, lose faith in God and trust in Him.

Another outcome of the controlling behavior of codependents is behavior caused by frustration (i.e., failure of hopes) and anger. Afraid of losing control over the situation, codependents themselves fall under the control of events or their loved ones who are addicted. For example, the mother of a drug addict quits her job in order to control her son’s behavior. But drug addiction continues and practically controls the mother’s life, manages her time, profession, well-being, and mental resources.

When we codependents try to take control of people and situations that fall into the realm of “none of our business,” we ourselves become controlled. While we think and act in someone else's interests, we lose the ability to think and act in our own interests. Our loved ones with addiction are great masters of controlling others. Everything is balanced here. Equal partners met in an alcoholic marriage.

Let's be attentive to ourselves. Taking the path of controlling others means losing control over yourself. This means losing both the battle and the war. This means losing yourself, your life. Is this what we need? Are we afraid of defeat? No need. In victory a person shows what he can do, in defeat he shows what he is worth.

I would like to ask codependent wives and mothers why they control. They will probably say that they are doing it with the best intentions. They could say something like the following about themselves.

We control in the name of love.

We want to help.

Well, we know better what he needs.

We are right and he is wrong.

We think that this is the only way to act (i.e. control).

It's scary to do nothing.

We control because it hurts us to see him destroy himself.

Yes, if trouble comes, then the first thing a person instinctively does is try to mobilize all his strength and overcome the difficulty by force. But addiction is a difficulty that cannot be overcome by force. I am writing this book in the hope that understanding the problem will help.

When I want to demonstrate to wives the ineffectiveness, the futility of all their controlling efforts, I ask them to do the following.

– List everything you have done so far to curb your loved one’s drinking.

- Oh, I haven’t tried anything before. And she persuaded him in a good way, and cried, and begged. And then I did something bad. I screamed, insulted him, called him a “drunk”, threatened that I would kill him and commit suicide.

– Now write down all these actions in a column and put a “+” sign against the action that helped you achieve your goal, and a “–” sign against wasted efforts.

- Yes, what can I write here? And it’s clear that there are only disadvantages.

- So what to do?

- Don't know. Maybe stop worrying about him and start taking care of yourself?

So, the behavior can be anything, but it reflects the wife’s downright obsessive need to control her husband’s life.

Control is the manipulation of people, circumstances, things in order to feel safe.

Control is minimizing and suppressing feelings in order to feel safe.

Control is compensation for feelings of inadequacy.

The desire to take care of others, to save others. Anyone who works in the field of drug addiction often hears from relatives: “I want to save my husband (son).” I received 3 bags of letters from wives of alcoholics in response to an article in Rabotnitsa magazine, “Marrying an Alcoholic.” Every letter contains the word “save.” There may be variations - “get out of the quagmire”, “prevent the abyss”. Without talking to each other, people from all over Russia use the same words. What is this? One of the patterns of manifestation of codependency.

Saving others is the calling of codependents. They love to take care of others, often choose the so-called helping professions - doctor, nurse, teacher, psychologist, educator. It’s as if codependents were made for their alcoholics. The calling of codependents is to love alcoholics, marry them, give birth to their children, treat alcoholics, raise them, devote their whole lives to them. All this would be good if attitude towards significant loved ones really helped to save patients with addiction to psychoactive substances. Concern for others exceeds reasonable and normal dimensions and can take on a caricatured character.

Their behavior stems from the conviction that they, the codependents, are responsible for the feelings, thoughts, actions of others, for their choices, for their wants and needs, for their well-being, for their lack of well-being, and even for fate itself. Codependents take responsibility for others, save them from responsibility for themselves, while being completely irresponsible for their own well-being. They eat poorly, sleep poorly, don’t visit a doctor, don’t know their own needs.

By saving the patient, codependents only contribute to the fact that he will continue to use alcohol or drugs. Then the codependents become angry with the patient. An attempt to save almost never succeeds. This is just a destructive form of behavior, destructive for both the addicted and the codependent person.

However, the desire to save is so great that codependents can do what they essentially did not want to do. Codependents say “yes” when they would like to say “no”. They do for their loved ones what they can do for themselves. In reality, they do more for someone than for someone else. They satisfy the needs of their loved ones when they do not ask them to do so and do not even agree that codependents do this for them.

Codependents constantly give more than they receive from their loved ones. Codependents speak for the other, think for him, believe that they can control his feelings, and do not ask what the other wants. They solve the problems of others, although such a solution to problems other than their own is rarely effective. In joint activities, such as housekeeping, they do more than they should do according to a fair division of responsibilities.

Such “care” for others presupposes the incompetence, helplessness of the other, the inability to do what a codependent loved one does for him. All this makes it possible for codependents to feel constantly necessary and irreplaceable. The “rescuer” needs to be needed. These are the psychological benefits of rescue - feeding low self-esteem, satisfying the need to be needed. Deep down, rescuers don't feel loved or worthy of love. And then the behavior is determined by the message: if I am unloved, then I will be needed. Your wish is my command. Your problem is my problem. Then the “rescuers” get angry at those they care about. “Rescue girls” feel used and thrown away. Sometimes with the rag that people wipe their feet on at the door.

I use the word “savior” and not “savior” because we have one Savior - Jesus Christ. When codependents try to rescue, they really want to align their mission with God's work. They control the lives and destinies of others. They completely devalue the ability of another to do for themselves what will truly save them.

But contrary to the will of God, they do not succeed. That's why I use a slightly different word for them. They cannot do what God does to us.

This unhealthy caring behavior borders on enabling. Next to every alcoholic in the family there is a person who helps maintain alcoholism in an active state. The accomplice, through his actions, helps the alcoholic continue to drink, saves him from suffering, from inconvenience caused by the consequences of his alcoholism, and thereby makes it easier for the alcoholic to continue drinking. The unhealthy role of the wife or mother of an alcoholic is called an enabler. When do we, codependents, save in such an unhealthy way?

When we call my husband’s boss at work and say that he has a cold and won’t come to work, but in fact he is hungover.

When we pay debts to his creditors.

When we take a taxi and load his drunken body, we deliver him home.

When we are looking for a tipsy spouse in the dark or at the addresses where he may be.

When we do something that we didn't want to do. I didn’t want to waste my energy in marriage trying to drag him out of the puddle.

We do for another person what he is able to do for himself.

We provide help when we were not asked for it, or we give more than we were asked.

When we speak for other people. If the patient and a relative are at the consultation, then she usually speaks.

When we put up with an unfair division of responsibilities, for example, we shoulder all the household chores while our husband can drink.

When we don't talk about our needs, wants, what we want.

In general, we save every time we take on unnecessary care of another adult (Beatty M., 1997).

I think what Nice words: caring, saving someone, sacrificing oneself, loving to the point of self-denial. It looks like mercy. Why is the meaning of behavior destructive, destructive? I became a doctor to learn how to save people from death. It seemed to me that this was very noble and altruistic. In addiction treatment, I learned about the unhealthy role of rescuer. Where is the boundary between good and evil behavior? Some authors refer to self-sacrifice as self-mortification (Bouhal M., 1983).

In medicine there are acute and chronic diseases. In life there are periods of normal events and states of crisis. I think it is useful to save only in acute painful conditions - for example, when a person is unconscious, in a coma, in shock, in acute trauma, in acute appendicitis, during bleeding. Children and the elderly are a separate issue. Due to their age, they are helpless, so they need to be saved. But when a patient is in a chronic painful condition, then he should not be saved, but should be helped to overcome his illness. Alcoholism and drug addiction, not counting states of acute poisoning, are considered chronic diseases. It is necessary to help, but at the same time believe in the healing power of the patient’s personality. Not in medicine, but in life, people are saved only in emergency situations. There is such a ministry - the Ministry of Emergency Situations, the Ministry of Emergency Situations. There is a rescue society on the waters. Yes, if a person is drowning, then this emergency, it is necessary to save.

What feelings accompany acts of rescue? Sometimes the rescuer experiences awkwardness and discomfort in connection with the person’s problem, sometimes her holiness, pity for him. Wives of alcoholics generally tend to confuse pity with love. When we, codependents, save, we can perceive ourselves as more competent than the one we are helping. We can think that I am a heroine, since I save. He is helpless, but I am strong, I can do anything.

Codependents feel needed this moment. There is great reward in this feeling.

After the wife of an alcoholic begins to save him, she will inevitably move towards another unhealthy role in the family - the role of the pursuer. She “generously” helped, for example, dragged him home drunk, then could not resist reproaches and indignation. This unfortunate alcoholic remained ungrateful! When the wife saved, she did something that she did not want to do, she abandoned her own needs and plans for this time, how can she not be angry? The object of rescue sobers up, does not thank and does not even accept his wife’s numerous advice. The wife takes on the role of accuser. Anger and rage descend on the “saved” alcoholic.

An alcoholic is alive and feels his wife’s changing mood very well. He uses this moment to go on the offensive. It happens that at this moment he will hit his wife. It was his righteous anger that someone had deemed him incompetent and taken his responsibility upon themselves. People resent being seen as incompetent, worthless, incapable.

There is a turn in the movement of the codependent spouse to the favorite role at the bottom of the triangle - the role of the victim. This is a predictable and inevitable result of rescue. The victim is overwhelmed with bitter feelings of helplessness, resentment, depression, and sadness. The feeling of self-pity grows to incredible proportions. Here again I was used and discarded. I tried so hard, I did a good deed, and he... Why, why does this always happen to me?

Why? Everything has its own laws.

When “saving” a chemically dependent loved one, codependents inevitably obey the laws known as “S. Karpman’s Drama Triangle” or “Power Triangle” (Karpman S., 1968, 1971).

Codependents try to save others because for codependents it is easier than enduring discomfort and awkwardness, and often mental pain, when faced with unresolved problems of their loved ones. Codependents have not learned to say: “It’s very sad that you have such a problem. How can I help you?" Codependents say this: “I am here. I'll do it for you." The demon of low self-esteem sits inside codependents and drives them along the edges of S. Karpman’s triangle.

Helping people, giving people part of your time, your talent is very good. All of this is part of healthy relationships between people. Where is the line between healthy caring for others and unhealthy rescue behavior?

Let's listen to our feelings. A person with healthy self-esteem feels good about himself and other people. He feels good when he gives something to others. A codependent may feel bad, bitter, and offended by his endless and dimensionless “gives.” It still seems to him that he was underestimated.

There should be reasonable limits on what we do in healthy relationships for other people. It's okay to balance giving and taking. Nobody said that you need to give everything to others.

We shouldn’t think about other people that they are worse than us. Others are not helpless. Others are not irresponsible. They are not weak-minded. Why treat them as if they themselves cannot take responsibility for themselves. Rel is not talking about infants.

If, while caring for others, we in this capacity stop taking care of ourselves, betraying our important needs and interests, then this is a sign that we are doing a bad thing, harmful both for ourselves and for the one we care about.

We urgently need to take responsibility for ourselves and allow other people to do the same. The kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to stop being a victim.

If a codependent person does not learn to recognize the moments when he becomes a rescuer, then he will constantly allow others to victimize him, i.e. put in the position of a victim. In fact, codependents themselves participate in the process of their own victimization. The drama develops along the sides of S. Karpman's triangle.

The shift in roles in the triangle is accompanied by a change in emotions, and quite intense ones at that. The time a codependent person stays in one role can last from a few seconds to several years; in one day you can be in the role of a rescuer, now in the role of a pursuer, now in the role of a victim twenty times.

The goal of psychotherapy in this case may be to teach codependents to recognize their roles and consciously abandon the role of rescuer. This will prevent you from inevitably falling into the victim role.

One of the participants in the game “Rescuer – Pursuer – Victim” may one day say: “That’s enough, I’m leaving the game.” If this does not happen, the rescuer and the rescued may destroy each other.

Giving up rescue and not allowing others to save you is one of the tasks of overcoming codependency.

As already emphasized above, among codependents such a quality as outward orientation, external referentig, no A. Schaef (1986), acquires special significance. This characteristic of codependency has been associated with low self-esteem. Since codependents do not feel like valuable enough people, they are somehow directed towards external reference points. Individuals who depend almost entirely on external evaluation will do whatever it takes to maintain a relationship with someone important to them. Even if these relationships are difficult and destructive. The stories of wives of alcoholics about their lives are a drama, life in hell. Even if they divorce an alcoholic, they often continue to live together.

Codependents suffer from a poor concept of self; they have no clear idea of ​​how others should treat them. Without relationships with others, codependents feel less significant and sometimes insignificant. In relationships, they often give in to others, even when this is not required of codependents. They remain loyal even when the object of their affection cheats on them or abuses them. One of the books about codependency is called “Women Who Love Too Much.” The relationship between an alcoholic and his wife can be very close; they literally cannot live without each other. This gives each of them a feeling of security. Security, obtained in such an unhealthy way, at any cost, is frozen, static, which prevents relationships from developing.

Due to low self-esteem, the question becomes especially important for codependents: “What will others say?” Codependents spend a lot of energy trying to manage the impression they make on others. For people with adequate, healthy self-esteem, the starting point in evaluating themselves is internal; codependents voluntarily gave the starting point to others. Codependents strive to be “good,” they can actually do a lot of good things, and they believe that they manage to make the right impression on others and control the perceptions of others.

The purpose of life for codependents can be reduced to calculating what others want, to satisfying someone else's desires; actions are intended to please others. Hence the need for servility. Even in bed, they may not care about their own desires, but about pleasing their partner.

You develop an amazing ability to recognize what other people like and don't like. Codependents believe that as soon as they become what others want them to be, life will become safe, reliable, and they will be accepted in the circles where they aspire. They depend so much on others that even their right to exist must be confirmed by others. They are not sure that they have a legitimate place in life. They need confirmation of this from the outside. Codependents do not trust their own perceptions until others confirm them.

Perhaps this feature drives them when they strive to care for their loved ones with addiction. Here, care is not love, but rather an exercise of power over another person. Codependents impose their will on the patient and thereby deprive him of his own will. Caring codependent people are very power-hungry. This twists their relationships in the family. The practice of subservient behavior is also determined by this characteristic of codependents.

So, the above are given in descriptive order the manifestations of codependency. Perhaps someone would like to pick up a short diagnostic tool and quickly determine the presence or absence of codependency in themselves, their daughter, a friend, etc. I can equip the reader with such tools. I present some of them below.

Criteria for assessing codependency

(after Potter-Efron P.T., Potter-Efron P.S., 1989).

Codependency is recognized when a person spends a long time in a highly stressful family environment that includes alcoholism of one of the members.

The individual reports or experiences at least 5 of the following 8 characteristics.

Fear. Recognized by the presence of the following signs.

1. Constant concentration on the problems of others.

2. Persistent anxiety, fear and fear.

3. Avoidance of risk in interpersonal relationships, including distrust of people.

4. Controlling behavior – repetitive, habitual.

5. Over-responsibility.

6. An attempt to manipulate others, to change their behavior.

Shame, guilt. Recognized by the presence of the following signs.

1. A constant feeling of shame both in relation to one’s own behavior and the behavior of others.

2. Constant feeling of guilt in connection with the problems of others.

3. Isolation from others to hide shame about oneself or family.

4. Self-hatred.

5. Display of arrogance and superiority, which is associated with low self-esteem.

Prolonged despair. Recognized by the presence of the following signs.

1. Despair and hopelessness about changing the existing situation.

2. Pessimistic view of the world.

3. Low self-esteem and a feeling of defeat (I am a loser), which does not correspond to real achievements.

Anger. Recognized by subsequent signs.

1. Constant anger directed at the drinker, family or self.

2. Fear of losing control in anger.

3. Anger concerning the spiritual realm, including anger towards God.

4. Passive-aggressive behavior, especially towards the drinker.

Negation. Recognized by subsequent signs.

1. Constant denial of the source of family trouble.

2. Constantly downplaying the severity of the problem.

3. Using excuses to protect the drinker from negative consequences.

Rigidity. Recognized by subsequent signs.

1. Cognitive inflexibility.

2. Behavioral rigidity, including role rigidity.

3. Moral and spiritual inflexibility, ossification.

4. Affective inflexibility - the predominance of the same feeling - guilt, pity, anger.

Violation of self-identification. Recognized by subsequent signs.

1. Inability to set your own demands or take care of your needs.

2. Difficulties in determining the boundaries of one’s “I”, it is difficult to separate oneself from others, one’s pain from the pain of others.

3. Dependence on other individuals - the need to receive confirmation of one’s self-worth from others, obsessive concern about how one looks in the eyes of others.

Confusion, confusion. Recognized by the following characteristics.

1. Constant uncertainty about what is normal.

2. Constant uncertainty about what is real.

3. Constant uncertainty about feelings, including a tendency to misidentify all feelings with one sign.

4. Gullibility.

5. Indecisiveness.

If you find signs in 5 or more of the 8 listed areas, then you are a codependent person and you should read this book further.

Below is a test that is widely used in self-help groups.

Codependency test1. Are you concerned that your loved one drinks a lot?

2. Are you experiencing financial difficulties because your loved one drinks?

3. Did you have to lie to cover up his drinking?

4. Do you get the feeling that alcohol is more important to him than you?

5. Do you think his friends are to blame for his drinking?

6. Are family plans often disrupted due to the fact that your husband (son, daughter) does not come home on time (“suddenly” met a friend, “sat down” with a business partner, etc.)?

7. Do you threaten your husband like this: “If you don’t stop drinking, I will leave you”?

8. Do you kiss him on the threshold with the secret thought of catching the smell of alcohol?

9. Are you afraid to directly tell him about something unpleasant, fearing that he will start a binge?

10. Have you ever suffered or been ashamed of his behavior?

11. Does it seem to you that every holiday, every vacation is ruined because of his drinking?

12. Are you looking for bottles of alcohol hidden by him?

13. Do you have this feeling: if he loved me, he would stop drinking?

14. Do you refuse to meet with your friends, fearing that your husband will put you in an awkward position if he is drunk?

15. Have you ever considered calling the police because of his drunken behavior?

16. Do you sometimes feel guilty that you cannot stop him from drinking?

17. Do you think that if he stops drinking, all your problems will be resolved?

18. Have you ever threatened to commit suicide, destroy a house, etc., in order to scare him and hear him say, “I'm sorry”?

19. Have you ever treated others - children, parents, co-workers - unfairly just because you were angry with your husband for his drinking?

20. Do you feel like no one understands your problems?

If you answer “yes” to 3 or more questions, then your condition may have signs of codependency. Read the book to the end, know that self-help groups like Al-Anon are there for you, seek professional help for yourself.

Codependency scale1. I find it difficult to make decisions.

2. I have a hard time saying no.

3. It is difficult for me to accept compliments as something deserved.

4. Sometimes I almost get bored if there are no problems to focus on.

5. I usually don’t do for others what they can do for themselves.

6. If I do something nice for myself, I feel guilty.

7. I don't worry too much.

8. I tell myself that everything will be better for me when those close to me change and stop doing what they are doing now.

9. In my relationships, I always seem to do everything for others, and they rarely do anything for me.

10. Sometimes I focus on the other person to the point that I neglect other relationships and things I should be responsible for.

11. I often seem to find myself involved in relationships that hurt me.

12. I hide my true feelings from others.

13. When someone offends me, I carry it inside me for a long time, and then one day I can explode.

14. To avoid conflicts, I can go as far as I like.

15. I often have fear or a feeling of impending disaster.

16. I often put the needs of others above my own.

Read the statements above and put in front of each item the number that reflects your perception of this statement:

1. I completely disagree.

2. Moderately disagree.

3. Slightly disagree.

4. I slightly agree.

5. Moderately agree.

6. I completely agree.

To obtain the total points, reverse the point values ​​for items 5 and 7 and then add them up.

Point amounts:

16-32 is the norm,

33-60 – moderately severe codependency,

61-96 – pronounced codependency.

People marry because they consider family ties to be the greatest good in their lives. And hope that behind the youthful charm they managed to discern something that over time will develop into a mature feeling, and they will have someone with whom to meet the autumn of their lives. But fate often brings surprises that are not always joyful. Most often, the cause of discord in the family is either an alcoholic wife.

Causes of female alcoholism

Women who drink heavily are found in modern society less often than men. In a family, men and women play differently social roles, and society is more tolerant of a man who is an alcoholic than of a woman with similar problems.

Often has a hidden nature. Men do not hide their addiction to intoxicating drinks. Often this is in the nature of bravado and boasting about the amount of alcohol drunk, the ability to stand on one’s feet while drinking one or even two bottles or any other strong alcohol. Women drink in close company or alone, and try to hide their criminal addiction from others.

The smell is muffled by strong perfume or chewing gum. Husbands do not immediately notice that something is wrong, and wives end up in drug treatment clinics when it can be especially difficult to provide help.

In women, it develops from several months to 2 years. Husbands, other than those who drink with their wives, are often at a loss as to why loving wife and the mother changed overnight. There are many reasons for such a deplorable state. Among the reasons are the following:

• difficult financial situation;
• boredom;
• problems at work or lack thereof;
• conflicts and misunderstandings on the part of adult children or husband;
• dissatisfaction with life or a feeling of self-doubt;
• external influences from friends or colleagues;
• death of loved ones;
• depression and stress;

The difference between male and female alcoholism

The underlying causes of female and male alcoholism are strikingly different in nature. A man who wants to stop his wife from drinking will do this using a motivation system that he considers correct. But women drink too much for completely different reasons than men. Women most often drink because of a feeling of loneliness, no matter what beautiful masks it is hidden under.

Men, on the other hand, want to assert themselves in company, and, as you know, common interests are often achieved through joint libations. A woman may not respond to her friends' offer to go out for a drink. The desire to get away from problems will be crucial. A wife may start drinking while already married if she is torn apart by internal conflicts that she cannot resolve in any other way.

What should my husband do?

To stop your wife from drinking? It is important to notice the problem in time, and not wait for the situation to resolve itself over time. Alcohol acts on the brain in such a way that the inhibitory centers cease to function, and a person becomes unable to cope with the craving for alcohol on his own. The man, unable to withstand the condemnation of his friends and fearing ridicule, tries to get rid of his wife as quickly as possible and leaves the family.

Only a woman can fully give a child affection, love and care. This is inherent in her nature. But when alcohol gets in the way of her life, then everything feminine in her quickly disappears. All functions of the body suffer, including childbearing. But not only she suffers deterioration, but every cell in the body. There is not a single organ that would not age under the influence large quantities alcohol.

In men, dependence on alcohol does not greatly affect appearance. Yes, a person can look terrible during a binge. But as soon as he doesn’t drink for a week or two, everything immediately falls into place: the body recovers very quickly. In women, alcohol destroys appearance much faster. Therefore, if you do not want to divorce her, then you need to take action much more decisively than in the case of your husband’s drunkenness. If a man drinks, then long-term preparation can be carried out in order to most effectively solve the problem. But if a woman drinks, then every second counts.

Features of female alcoholism

Unfortunately, in our country little attention is paid to female alcoholism. A middle-aged man lying under a fence will surprise few people. But it’s quite rare to see female drunkards on the street. Yes, representatives of the fairer sex really drink less. But not so much as to turn a blind eye to this social problem. Having an alcoholic wife is still a fairly common phenomenon in our country. And despite the mediocrity of this problem, the question of “what to do” is still very pressing.

After all, if at least one alcoholic around the world stops drinking, the opportunities for humanity to preserve its population become much greater. And all because even one glass of wine can lead to irreparable damage to the genetic code of women, no matter how small. But if liters of vodka are consumed in a week, then the likelihood of disrupting genetics increases many times over. And this problem will be passed on from generation to generation.

The timing of women's alcoholism is frightening. If a man becomes a full-blown alcoholic in ten years (without a genetic predisposition), then a representative of the fairer sex with a predisposition will only need a few months. And given the stronger emotionality of girls (especially young ones), it becomes much more difficult to control their desires. Willpower, no matter what they say, helps you avoid becoming an alcoholic. early stages development of the disease. But in women it is initially weak. Hence the stereotypes about women's whims. And if a woman has become an alcoholic, then this affects her even more.

What is the danger of drinking alcohol for women?

Representatives of the fairer sex do not have enough willpower. But they have another trump card - fear. He is the one who helps them stay awake. But the more often beautiful girl drinks, the less fear she has of turning into a swollen and useless alcoholic. She ceased to be a woman, but became something masculine. The following facts speak about this:

And the apogee of all this can safely be considered sexually transmitted diseases. Women who drink are more susceptible to casual sex. And if a man is lucky enough to find a drunk and beautiful woman, then the probability of having contact with anyone is almost one hundred percent. She could be raped, and she wouldn’t remember anything. This is scary, so if you have the thought “I’m an alcoholic,” you need to try to be vigilant. If you don’t take any action right now, your youth will quickly disappear.

How can you help your drinking wife?

Since women are emotional creatures, her relationship with her husband is also deteriorating by leaps and bounds. If most men can only yell when drunk (if there are no mental pathologies other than alcoholism), then a woman under the influence of alcoholic beverages loses control over her actions even more. What do we have to do?

It is best not to let the situation take its course. Of course, you should not become codependent and live the life of your spouse. But there is no need to fold your arms. It is important to maintain the golden mean. And this is the undertaking of certain actions to eliminate possible temptations against the wife. But it’s stupid to cut for every stack. This will only ruin the relationship between you.

So what can you do?

1. Do not keep alcoholic beverages in the house. They can be drunk instantly, you won’t even have time to look back. If she currently abstains from drinking alcohol, then there is no need for wine or even vodka to be within her reach. Any bar cabinets on the premises should be refitted. Make him do whatever you want. Just not with bottles or glasses. It is best not only not to keep alcohol in the room, but also not to keep anything that might remind a person of it - glasses, wine glasses. This may seem like stupid advice to you, but alcoholics and women who understand their grief and who repeat “I’m an alcoholic” feel things related to alcohol much more acutely.
2. Limit a woman's money. It is immediately worth noting that if she really wants to drink, this will not stop her. She will start asking friends and borrowing money. Maybe even threaten. It all depends on the degree of adequacy of a particular girl, who quickly and confidently turns into something unknown. She will do whatever comes to her mind. However, you can try. In this regard, a man has a huge advantage. If he provides for his family, then he decides where to spend it. And the wife has no right to say anything against it. This advice can only be useful when the wife herself wants to stop drinking. In this case, you deprive her of unnecessary temptations.
3. Don't drink alcohol in front of your wife or even with her. In the first case it will be once again be tempted, and in the second, there is a big risk of becoming an alcoholic yourself. And in drinking families, it is incredibly difficult for at least one of the spouses to stop drinking.

It is advisable that she herself understands her illness. In this case, no advice is needed. The woman herself understands where she has flown into.

What do you need to know about the treatment of alcoholism and what mistakes should not be made so that your wife learns to enjoy life sober? First of all, she herself must want to be cured of addiction. Without her sincere desire, it is difficult to achieve your goals with insufficient willpower. Having motivation does not replace the need to make an effort. Therefore, even if your wife wants to stop drinking, it will be very difficult to do this without the help of a doctor.

Cannot be encoded. This method is based only on fear. And it tends to pass over time. Therefore, after some time you will see your wife drunk again. If there is a very strong desire, then fear cannot be considered even a slight obstacle. At the initial stages, coding may support a little, but after a few months there may be almost no support left. But the shortage of alcoholic beverages in life will become increasingly felt. As a result, the desire to drink will tear your wife's psyche to shreds.

Therefore, it is advisable to send your wife to rehabilitation center. The specifics of such treatment are very simple - after any illness you need recovery. It is impossible to start walking immediately after spinal surgery. The back is still very weak. The sensations may be even worse than before treatment. But after six months the situation improves significantly. The same goes for alcoholism.

A person must be restored to the society from which he fell out. And this requires a lot of time. Persistent remission lasting several decades is not something extraordinary. But relapse is also possible. Therefore, it is important to create such an atmosphere that it is simply unprofitable for the wife to drink.

We have a fairly strong idea in the public consciousness that alcoholism is a serious disease that affects a person for a long time, if not forever. Moreover, alcoholism is one of the most direct and fairly fast roads to the cemetery. You don’t have to look far for examples - just take a look at your own surroundings. All my peers, a little older, a little younger, and this is approximately 43, 45, 48 years old, who, one way or another, made friends with the “green serpent”, have long been buried in a place from where there is no turning back. The rest are either already on the way there, or are already “very old people”, whose body, in the biological sense has not yet reached fifty years, is physically worn out to the extreme. And this is with living and quite vigorous parents, who are well over 70 or even 80 years old!

Women's alcoholism interested me when I came across cases of systematic drinking and binge drinking by the wife of one of my friends. At the same time, he himself could not be called an alcoholic. Moreover, having previously drank occasionally, having discovered, after several months of living together, his wife’s deep alcoholism, he not only lost all interest in alcohol in any of its manifestations, but in moments of passion, he actually called for “destroying all these stalls, departments and boutiques selling liquor and vodka products from morning until evening,” tempting and drunken people like his wife. The sincerity of his words sounded so obvious that I had no doubts - a man was completely fed up with such a life. But several questions immediately arose: “What to do?” and “Why does he need all this?”
Indeed. When you talk to someone about the topic of female alcoholism, people begin to click their tongues knowingly. Like, that's it - no more terrible picture can be imagined. If male alcoholism is difficult to cure, then in the case of female alcoholism there is not even any “light in the tunnel” visible - clinical hopelessness.

But all these people, as a rule, have little competence in the matter, whose views are fueled by myths and legends widespread in society. However, it wasn’t so simple with professionals either. My friend told me that he talked about his wife with real medical luminaries who deal with this issue quite professionally. They just shrugged: “As a rule, this disease is forever, even if the alcoholic consciously refuses to use it. He refuses only when “something falls off or stops working.” Fear is the most virgin weapon. And even then not solving the problem radically. You always want to drink and are only stopped by the understanding that your past hobby brings terrible troubles, pain and even death.”

My friend also turned to psychotherapists. They worked with their wife for weeks and even months, but the desired progress in business never came. Moreover, the content of the psychotherapists’ conversations, which his wife relayed to him, puzzled him. They advised her to continue drinking, and as various kinds of “evasions” they prescribed either cleansing the body with various kinds of diets, medications, as well as agreements with her husband:
“I don’t drink for a week, and in return you do this, that, and this to me.”

But this didn’t help much either. The most interesting thing is that all the psychotherapists who came across on the road and were recommended by respectable people themselves turned out to be former or even “in the ranks” alcoholics, who nevertheless provided similar services to those who wanted to get rid of alcoholism or were pushed to do so by tired of the drunkard’s antics relatives. Moreover, a couple of psychotherapists that my friend and his wife turned to over the course of a couple of years of visiting themselves “kicked their boots off.” To put it mildly, they died. And alcohol played a significant role in these tragicomic deaths. On the other hand, what healthy person would deal with such a topic as a former alcoholic who has not moved away from his “favorite business.” Unless he’s a hardened and cynical businessman who doesn’t care how he makes money. My friend also came across one who, in moments of revelation, pointed to his newly built mansion and said:
- This house is a monument to Russian alcoholism!

My friend was completely desperate. His wife drank it, like God forbid every man: she disappeared for a day, missed work (thank you, the boss was understanding!), brought home “little green men”, created “warehouses” from alcoholic products, often staged hand-to-hand martial arts at home with bruises and scratches . It would seem, to hell with her - why do we need this vixen in a female form, who does not understand how she tortures a person. We will not talk about the reasons for his behavior, but he did not give up. Somewhere, perhaps, love, somewhere - the power of habit, somewhere - one’s own fears and insecurities, somewhere - wounded pride.

We must understand that the entire life story of my friend’s wife, including the history of her family, provided a lot of information about the reasons for her troubles. Her father, a rather weak man by character, was not a fool to drink, although he did not lie on the streets and always brought money to the family. She acquired the habit of drinking regularly at university. When my friend and I discussed this situation, I realized that her classmates and other guys, by the way, quite decent, first got her drunk in order to then persuade her to have sexual intercourse, and then she herself sought self-affirmation and the favor of men in a similar way. Like: “Look how I’m all on board.” Everything is like in the famous student joke: “In the first year - no one, in the second - him, in the third - him and his friends, in the fourth - everyone, everyone, everyone, in the fifth - who, who would?” On the fifth, by the way, this happened to her. Realizing that they were not alone near her gorgeous body, the men disappeared one after another... And then she married a convinced alcoholic and... a private psychotherapist who saved people from problems with alcohol. They drank at home, at work, at home, and again at work, simultaneously curing people of addiction to alcohol. Four years later, her husband, at the age of forty, gave his soul to God with a diagnosis of “cirrhosis of the liver,” and she, not yet 25 years old, was left alone...

Of course, this whole story was not revealed to my friend right away. But, however, the wife did not hide this. True, she told it all with her own sauce. Then my friend followed the advice of psychologists - to unite all the healthy forces of the family, environment and professionals against the hateful illness. I must say, things went more efficiently. When she realized that significant people in her life had learned about her “nice habits,” she stopped drinking for two or three weeks, and even voluntarily went to the hospital with a diagnosis of “neurosis.” None of her close people rejected her identity after learning about the illness. Moreover, they even tried to help in some way: with words, advice, personal example. He actively tried to remake her program, to instill in her new meaning that it is better to live healthy, sporty look life than to be alone surrounded by bottles. And, some worked, and some didn’t. In general, the person fought, and is still fighting. With varying success and inevitable breakdowns, when everything goes well for a couple of weeks, and then she brings a bag of wine into the house and... hangs out for several days.

What else can I say? At the moment, this whole story is still ongoing and it is very, very early to say that it has been successfully completed. But, as an example of healthy stubbornness, the desire to find a way out when everything seems to be “against”, but there are also some “for”, is inspiring. A man bets only on himself and his wife, and hopes on others only as a possible resource that cannot be blindly relied upon, but must be attracted to. Involuntarily, you wish him (and her) success in this struggle and expect a miracle. What if all these current stereotypes are actually bullshit, if a person actually solves a problem, and does not actively pretend to have secret knowledge and professional activity.

The wife is an alcoholic - what could be worse? Female alcoholism develops rapidly and is difficult to treat. It is very important to take action at the first signs of an unhealthy addiction to alcoholic beverages.

The difference between female drunkenness and male drunkenness

It is generally accepted that the tendency to drink is inherent in the stronger half of humanity. This is justified by the fact that men do not hide their craving for strong drinks, while women try not to show it to others. They only drink in narrow circle or alone.

If a drunk man on the street is not uncommon, then ladies carefully disguise their state of intoxication and try to behave with dignity in public. But this applies only to the first and second stages of addiction. When the third stage begins, the woman completely degrades and ceases to be interested in the opinions of others.

In women it develops much faster; the third stage can occur after 2 years of regular drinking. And in some cases much faster, it all depends on the frequency and amount of alcohol taken and the characteristics of the body. In women, the liver produces an enzyme that breaks down ethyl alcohol much more slowly; accordingly, intoxication lasts longer and health deteriorates faster.

It is very difficult to cure an advanced disease, and therefore it needs to be done as early as possible. In this case, desire alone is not enough. Full treatment in a drug treatment clinic is necessary. In addition, working with a psychotherapist to identify the causes of alcohol abuse and eliminate psychological dependence is of great importance.

That is why it is very important to consult a specialist at the first symptoms of the disease, since treatment with folk remedies may not be effective.

Causes

A modern representative of the fair half bears a lot of tasks and worries, and sometimes they turn out to be simply overwhelming. If a woman does not feel supported and understood, she may be attracted to the opportunity to relax with the help of strong drinks.

The main reasons include the following:

1. Financial difficulties, lack of work.
2. Dissatisfaction with your own life. Lack of goals.
3. Misunderstanding on the part of husband, children, loved ones.
4. Separation or death of a loved one.
5. The influence of surrounding people who often drink alcohol.
6. Regular stress and mental stress.
7. Heredity and education.

There can be a huge number of reasons. And when a woman does not know what to do with the problems that have arisen or is left alone with trouble, she is overcome by the desire to escape from difficulties. And alcohol is often the salvation. After all, even a small amount of alcohol causes a feeling of euphoria, helps you relax and take your mind off difficulties. But over time, more and more alcohol is required to achieve the desired state. Drunkenness is becoming more frequent, and addiction is growing faster.

But alcoholism can develop from ordinary everyday drunkenness. This could be get-togethers with girlfriends, celebrating various events, drinking alcohol in small quantities in the evening after work or on weekends. Over time, this happens more and more often, and unbeknownst to herself and those around her, the lady flies into the abyss of addiction, which is very difficult to cure.

Signs

It’s not uncommon for relatives and friends to not notice their addiction to strong drinks until they become noticeable. external signs dependencies. After all, girls try to carefully hide it. Cosmetics, perfumes, mouth fresheners do their job. But this is all temporary. As the disease progresses, a woman stops caring about the opinions of others and her reputation.

You can determine that a woman abuses alcohol by the following signs.

Appearance

Over time, a drinking lady stops taking care of herself and this is reflected in her attractiveness. Alcohol destroys health and this is immediately noticeable in appearance. An unhealthy complexion, puffiness, and bags under the eyes appear. A woman stops using cosmetics and care products and often neglects hygiene. Often wears dirty and unironed clothes. She looks unkempt and it's noticeable. So ethyl alcohol can turn a brilliant beauty into a degraded old woman.

If the craving for alcohol is not stopped at the initial stage at home, various health problems develop. Suffer from:

• The cardiovascular system;
• Liver, kidneys;
• Nervous system;
• Gastrointestinal tract;
• Reproduction.

Most of all, liver problems and hormonal disorders affect appearance. These diseases significantly impair attractiveness. And if you don’t stop drinking and don’t start treating the affected body, it’s impossible to restore lost beauty with cosmetics or folk remedies.

Character change

A cheerful, cheerful girl can become quarrelsome and irritable from regular drinking. Alcohol negatively affects the brain, resulting in damage to the nervous system. Concentration decreases, memory deteriorates, and this causes problems at work. The lady becomes disorganized and disorganized. This is also reflected in professional activity and in household chores.

In addition, constant thoughts about alcohol interfere with doing the necessary work, this causes irritation and anger. And if alcohol is prohibited and relatives are trying to control this issue, outbursts of anger and aggression cannot be avoided. The desire to drink overpowers all moral principles.

A girl who drinks has frequent mood swings. She may be depressed and apathetic, and after a while become hysterical.

Loss of interest in family

A drinking mother ceases to be interested in the lives of her children. Its sole purpose is to receive another dose of alcohol. Children are left without proper care and maternal attention. Please note that children of drinking parents always differ in the children's group. They look unkempt, wear dirty and ill-fitting clothes. Very often, such children do not adapt well to a new environment and do not know how to make friends with their peers. Without support and participation from the mother, such children are left alone with their difficulties and problems, and therefore often get into trouble and under the bad influence of the people with whom they communicate.

In addition, a drinking woman stops paying due attention to her husband; she is not interested in his needs. As a result, the relationship deteriorates and the man leaves the family. The exception is if the spouse drinks himself. In this case, he is not very concerned about his wife’s condition.

A man's help to his drinking wife

How can a husband help his other half? What should be done to stop her drinking?

Most importantly, you should not wait for the problem to be solved on its own. A drinking person cannot stop on his own; he needs the support of his family and the help of specialists. You should not expect that it is easy to cope with this problem at home. The first thing you need to do is persuade your spouse to visit a narcologist, this is the only way there will be a chance to cure her.

Some men are so ashamed of the current state of affairs that they leave the family. But this will only push the abandoned wife to even greater drunkenness. She will begin to fill the gap with alcohol with even greater regularity. Unable to independently cope with the harmful addiction and the problems that have piled up, she will begin to go on more frequent and prolonged binges. Therefore, if a man wants to keep a caring mother for his children, and an attentive wife for himself, he needs to give her a helping hand.

1. Remove all alcoholic beverages from the house.
2. Limit access to money; this will prevent your wife from buying alcohol on her own.
3. Make sure that your spouse does not meet with friends or acquaintances with whom she used to drink;
4. Cancel visits and temporarily avoid celebrating at home with drinking alcoholic beverages.
5. Don't make a fuss or criticize. Explain to your wife that you understand how difficult it is for her to give up alcohol, but you are always ready to be there and support her.
6. Try to find out the cause of alcohol abuse and, if possible, eradicate it.
7. Be an example. Don't drink yourself, stick to it healthy eating and lifestyle.
8. Try to spend as much time as possible with your family. Prolonged loneliness can push you to drink again.

The most important thing is to explain to your significant other that it will be difficult to cope with the problem at home. There is no need to be ashamed of visiting the clinic. Alcoholism is a disease that needs to be treated with medication. Folk remedies You can stop addiction at the initial stage. And if the disease progresses, it can only be cured under the supervision of a narcologist.

Treatment of female alcoholism

The most important condition for success is the woman’s desire to get rid of addiction.

Very soon the alcoholic returns to her previous lifestyle.

If the patient admits that she needs treatment, do not try to cope at home. Female alcoholism requires a comprehensive approach, which includes:

1. detoxification of the body;
2. psychological support;
3. drug treatment.

Therefore, you should not try to rid an alcoholic of addiction at home. An ideal option would be a drug treatment clinic. You can choose it based on your financial capabilities and recommendations of people who are faced with this problem.

It is there that a woman will learn to cope with her problems without alcoholic beverages, and will learn to deny herself the desire to drink. In addition, specialists will help her re-adapt to society and find her place.

It is very important that during this difficult period the patient feels the support of loved ones. She must understand that a loving husband and children are waiting for her at home. This will be an additional incentive to get rid of addiction.

After completing the course, you can use traditional methods body support. But this should only be done with the permission of the attending physician.

Remember, female alcoholism is a very insidious disease; a relapse can occur at any time. Therefore, it is very important to control your attitude towards alcohol and avoid situations that could prompt you to take even a small dose. You need to find something you like so that if you have an irresistible desire to drink, you can switch to an exciting hobby. In case of relapse, you should immediately contact a narcologist and psychotherapist. Only qualified specialists will help you avoid going on another binge.

To avoid this problem, you need to drink alcohol in moderation or abstain from it altogether. There is only one life and each person decides for himself how it will turn out for him. Take care of yourself and your family!

All materials on our site are intended for those who care about their health. But we do not recommend self-medication - each person is unique, and without consulting a doctor you cannot use certain means and methods. Be healthy!

Alcoholism continues to be one of the most serious Russian problems. This seriously reduces the quality of life in Russia - not only of alcoholics themselves, but also of loved ones - codependent people. The behavior of women whose husbands suffer from alcoholism has certain characteristic features, which allows experts to talk about “alcoholic wife syndrome.” How does the syndrome manifest itself and how do you understand that this does not apply to you?

Substance addiction runs in the family. Firstly, it can occur in several members of the same family and be passed on from generation to generation. Of course, this is not inevitable, so in every such family, along with the sick, there are also healthy people in this regard.

Secondly, even if there is only one alcoholic in the family, then all other members suffer psychologically. It is simply impossible to live next to an alcoholic and not be emotionally involved in his illness. Mental condition Relatives of people with addiction are referred to as “codependency.”

Codependency – pathological condition, characterized by deep absorption and strong emotional, social or even physical dependence on another person.

According to experts, codependency is a mirror image of addiction, since the same symptoms are observed. The phenomenon of codependency is as destructive for loved ones as chemical or other addiction for their loved one.

Relatives of patients suffer no less, and sometimes even more (since they do not drink and endure their pain without alcohol anesthesia) than the patients themselves. There is a network of drug treatment clinics and hospitals for patients, and private medical institutions also deal with them. But only some medical institutions have specialists who pay attention to relatives. Often, medical institutions are limited to only a brief consultation with a relative.

Features of the syndrome

The syndrome of an alcoholic's wife is characterized by complete involvement in the problem of her husband's alcoholism and abandonment of her own interests.

Typically for codependency:

delusion, denial, self-deception;
compulsive actions;
isolation as a psychological defense mechanism;
low self-esteem, self-loathing, guilt;
suppressed anger, uncontrollable aggression;
pressure and control over another person, intrusive help;
focus on others, ignoring one's needs, psychosomatic illnesses;
communication problems, problems in intimate life, isolation, depressive behavior, suicidal thoughts.

Types of codependent wives

"Hyper-responsible" wives

These wives do everything to help their husbands, but only at first glance. Hiding the problem from those around him, running for beer in the morning, dragging it on themselves from the guests, they take full responsibility for his condition upon themselves. The most common statement of such wives is: “He will be lost without me.” Without asking whether the husband agrees to be treated, they themselves take him to a narcologist, decide for themselves whether they only need withdrawal from binge drinking or require coding for alcoholism, while the opinion of the narcologist himself is rarely taken into account. Thus, they deprive a man of the opportunity to choose and free him from responsibility for himself and his loved ones. If the husband knows that his wife will bring him to recover from his hangover, find him in the gateway, wash him, feed him and make excuses for him in front of his superiors, and, if necessary, call a narcologist to the house - why should he change anything?

"Voluntary Sacrifice"

This is special psychological type, taking pleasure in the state of his own humiliation and demanding the constant sympathy of others. These are the wives who constantly complain about drinking husbands, but do not admit that there is a problem and usually oppose treatment for their husband’s alcoholism, because if he stops drinking, they will have nothing to complain about. Having divorced one alcoholic, they marry another, subconsciously “choosing” the right person.

How to understand that you are codependent?

If you have formed the habit of constantly monitoring your husband’s actions (even when he is sober) and the amount of alcohol he drinks, finding out where he is and what he is doing, solving his problems for him, you are definitely codependent.

The psychology of an alcoholic's wife changes in such a way that she subordinates all her thoughts and concerns to one problem - saving her husband. But the paradox of this behavior is that the more effort a woman spends, the worse the situation becomes. The husband continues to drink, becoming more and more sophisticated in his deceptions and manipulations of his wife. An exhausted woman loses self-control and strength, increasingly weakens her psyche and increases codependency.

The mistake of all codependents, including wives of alcoholics, is that they do not understand the nature of alcoholism. All their “educational” measures are aimed at awakening the conscience in the spouse and forcing him not to drink. Codependents consider drunkenness to be a result of promiscuity, not realizing that it is a serious illness. It is she who makes an alcoholic drink. A patient with alcohol addiction simply cannot help but get drunk.

Only a narcologist can help you cope with binge drinking. But the real help of an alcoholic’s wife is to leave the patient alone with his problem and not make his drinking as comfortable as possible. A person suffering from alcoholism must realize the criticality of his situation and understand that only he can help himself.

The psychology of the behavior of an alcoholic is characterized by the phenomenon of anosognosia - denial of the presence of a problem, and the wife of an alcoholic should know this. An alcoholic can reach rock bottom without ever admitting that he is sick. And a codependent wife, who constantly helps him cope with problems caused by drinking, only helps this. Often she herself justifies her drinking husband to others, shielding and protecting her in every possible way.

Wives of alcoholics have unlimited faith in the power of love and in the fact that they will definitely “re-educate” their husbands. The history of mankind shows that it is impossible to remake, to recreate a person. Only a person himself can change himself. Women who want to believe that they are “sculpting a husband” are captured by illusions.

Illusions arise when a person faces insurmountable difficulties. The illusions themselves lead to even greater problems. Sooner or later you need to accept reality. It hurts, but there is no other way.

“Your condition is understandable,” the psychiatrist told me when I came to her with a request to prescribe me strong pills, because almost two months had passed since his death, and I not only could not stabilize, but on the contrary, I was sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss of a dark nightmare. - Your whole world collapsed. You have lost everything you lived for,” the doctor continued. And I suddenly (now I think that this was a cunning move by the most experienced doctor who had dealt with hundreds of different cases similar to mine) perked up, took a deep breath and suddenly said to myself: “Well, no! I lost a lot, I lost something very dear, but it’s not all of me and not my whole world. And I will pull through and move on with my life. My life has rocked terribly, but it hasn’t ended.”

The same could not be said about him in the last couple of years of his life. My husband drank. He drank all his adult life, he drank easily and cheerfully, without becoming either gloomy or aggressive, without losing either his appearance or his career. On the contrary, the ability to drink a lot at business and friendly feasts made him attractive in the eyes of people and helped him promote business acquaintances - this was his gift.

Any attempts - mine, his previous girlfriends, reasonable friends, parents - to instill in him caution and moderation in drinking alcohol were met with absolute misunderstanding: “Is something bothering you? Am I being rowdy? Am I earning little? Am I offending someone? I don't even feel bad. I feel good! And I may or may not drink.”

It was difficult to argue with this; it was difficult to imagine a more jovial, cheerful person. Of course, I, as his closest person, saw his internal conflicts, such a typical male “war with himself” and with complexes, but he was incredibly strong and did not allow anyone, including me, to look into his weaknesses places. I just needed to be a woman.

He can handle it himself, he will figure it out on his own.

This was also blamed on me later: for not insisting, not forcing, not forbidding. I couldn't - I couldn't.

Anyone who loves an alcoholic will always remain guilty, no matter what he does. He was tough - that means he rotted; was soft - corrupted; gave birth to children - ruined his talents; If she didn’t give birth, she deprived her of the meaning of life, and so on. But this is perhaps a topic for another discussion.

With my husband, a change happened at some point very quickly and noticeably. Probably, alcoholism, like any malignant disease, also makes a breakthrough one day. He began to rapidly lose interest in everything. Alcohol took root, established itself in him and began to squeeze everything else out of his life, from his brain, heart, soul.

At first, as usual, my career and work suffered. The husband, who knew how to resolve the most complex conflicts, for which headhunters hunted him, once failed to cope with a difficult but quite normal situation and, saying that he did not want to deal with these assholes anymore, in a cunning way got himself fired due to staff reduction, receiving a considerable severance pay.

Here, too, I probably would have to show firmness and use a rolling pin to drive him to immediately look for a new job, but I’m used to trusting my smart and to a strong man and accepted his position: “I’m tired of working in damn offices and doing nonsense, I want something more creative in life.”

But he didn’t do anything creative, spent his savings and learned to drink in the morning. I tried to stir him up and even found him a really interesting job with my friends in a big film project, but he couldn’t stay there - more and more often the people around him began to seem like scoundrels and bastards, his easy-going disposition changed, a gloomy grumbler settled in him, his he was quickly fired, and he went back to the sofa, or rather, went on the Internet, where he suddenly began to participate in many “sofa” political discussions, pouring out his dissatisfaction with everyone and everything, and in fact, with himself and his big problem.

For old times’ sake, we went on big, beautiful trips several times, I hoped that this would amuse and distract him. But every trip turned into a nightmare, we always had to look for something to drink, we walked around the cities from bar to bar, and he went somewhere to the open spaces near the ocean or to the mountains only with reserves of alcohol in a flask.

And more often he simply said: you go, and I’ll lie in the room. It was more interesting for him to stay with booze and the Internet; there was less and less of himself, of who he used to be.

But we tend to remember the best, and all the time it seemed to me that this was somehow temporary, that he would be able to cope with himself, stop drinking, the one who he was - my most beloved person, so beautiful, smart and strong - would return.

I finally started sounding the alarm bell and persuading him to get treatment, to go to a narcologist or psychotherapist. He did not want. He himself took some pills to calm me down, for the first week he took them - then he began to hide them and in the corners there were empty and open bottles again. One day he had an unexpected epileptic seizure, which the emergency doctors identified as alcoholic epilepsy, and in the hospital they put him in the hallway with some creepy homeless people. The head doctor, a pleasant elderly lady, took me into the office and told me: “My girl, you just don’t see that he is already one of them, run away and don’t look back, he will never be the same, never. Believe me, I work here and I see them, and you just look at him and see him as who he was, but he’s not the same anymore.”

And I didn't believe her. Moreover, after this incident he seemed to start trying to heal himself.

But every time it was unsuccessful. The longest he stayed sober was a couple of months. I went to a 12-step group class and said that everyone there was idiots, and the group leader was a sectarian; went to an Orthodox monastery and returned from there with the statement that “There is no God”; I was encoded and a week later I read that all these encodings were a deception of the patient, and I started drinking again. Each attempt brought him into a more and more desperate state, his savings ran out, and he began to humiliatingly look for funds for drink, borrowing from friends, going out into the street in search of someone who would pour him a drink, rummaging through the pockets of less and less people who came to our guest house.

But he never, not once during all this time of trying to fight and falling into despair, talked about suicide and did not blackmail him with it. Even I sometimes wanted to stop all this for myself in some such cowardly way, I was exhausted, my connections with life were also thinning, despite the fact that I worked hard and earned good money. My condition was greatly influenced by the fact that everyone, both people loyal to me and his friends, said: leave. Mine said: you are ruining yourself, you are just barely alive. Some of his friends also sympathized with me more, but some believed that if I left, it would be easier for him to change his life, because it was “with her that he began to become an alcoholic.”

And I left. Once I set a condition for him: either he immediately begins treatment (I was ready to pay for his treatment), or I leave. I had to leave.

After some time, he returned from our large rented apartment in the city center to his own, on the outskirts. He tried to live with his parents, but they could not stand his company for long. He made a couple more attempts to “dig through” and “encode,” but to no avail. “Friends” continued to visit him - drinking buddies, who every time thwarted him from trying to be sober. Now no one drove them away.

I didn’t disappear from the horizon, I let him know that I was in touch and we could be together again if he sobered up. And I, of course, suffered terribly without him. About once a month I visited him and saw that both physically and personally he was deteriorating more and more, and I really didn’t understand at all what could be done about it.

At the same time, I began to recover, took up sports and appearance, began going to parties, traveling with friends and my already separated children from my first marriage. I even had a “romance” - I didn’t fall in love with my partner, but I enjoyed spending time with him, and he distracted me from painful experiences. However, I hid this fact from my husband. Then I really blamed myself for it.

To be honest, I understood that he was dying, I saw that life was leaving him. When I allowed myself to remember what he was like just a few years ago, a luxurious, sleek, handsome man, a merry fellow, a favorite of everyone and everything, and what he became, I could not hold back my sobs. The man killed himself progressively, in front of his family and loved ones, and no one could stop him.

When I called and offered to come, more often he simply didn’t want to talk to me, he said that he didn’t have the strength, that he felt bad, and in general, he left and left. But sometimes he himself called and, as if with the same love, said that he missed me very much, that he missed my care and presence, that he was looking through our photographs and realizing how much he had lost. But he refused all my offers to go to the clinic and get treatment. It was unacceptable for me to go and take him somewhere by force - oddly enough, I continued to respect him.

He did it practically in " live“- early in the morning he started some kind of nervous conversation with me, jumping from reproaches to blessings and “parting words”, we simultaneously corresponded in the chat and called a couple of times - in the morning I heard that he was drunk, and hung up, and later I called back myself and told him, who had already sobered up, that I loved him very much and was ready to pay for any clinic if he himself expressed a desire to go there. But to this he said: stop bothering with me already, leave it alone. Live your life.

For some reason it didn’t occur to me that this was our last live conversation.

Then I saw a message in the chat: “I have no more life left, there are two cigarettes in the pack, they will run out and I’ll go hang myself. I called the psychological helpline, there’s some idiot there.”

I saw this message an hour after it was written. My daughter came in and I was talking to her in another room.

I started calling him - he didn’t pick up. I called his friend who lives in the house next door to him and asked him to go there. The friend also did not believe in the possibility of what was happening and therefore did not run. He was about 10 minutes late, the ambulance doctors said. The door was open - he hoped that they would find him and pump him out, and then he would be able to push off from the bottom. They didn't pump him out. A friend’s wife called me (he himself was afraid) and said: “He’s no longer there.”

I had buried loved ones before, and had a hard time with my mother’s death, but it’s impossible to describe how the horror of what happened now hit me. If anyone understands what I mean: I truly looked into the icy stinking mouth of hell. Darkness, death, destruction, absolute emptiness - that’s what I felt, and, it seems, there was no place for guilt in this, although all of us, my loved ones, constantly entertained one terrible thought: how was it possible to make it in time? Could it be possible to help? What should we have done for this? What are we all guilty of?

There are no words to write about this. I type a line and erase it. Although then it probably helped me to speak. Many people came to me, took me to live with them so that I would not be left alone, almost force-fed me, hugged me. And I started crying. In about a week. I cried and said the worst thing.

I went to church and found sympathy and consolation there. No one cursed the suicide and promised him hell, they only told me: God is infinitely merciful, and now your loved one is in His hands. Trust in His love. One wonderful Georgian priest wrote me a short letter, which I learned almost by heart: “We can give artificial respiration to someone we love, but we cannot breathe for him all our lives. Even God loved us so much that he died for us, but he cannot live for us. Pray for him."

I had to go to work immediately after the funeral, and where there was usually ruthless pressure and race, I met absolute understanding and support from my seemingly cynical colleagues. Essentially, someone else took over all my work, and I just had to be there as a shadow, but this, in fact, helped me incredibly to stay on my feet, literally. Our chief of security, a rude soldier, saw me insane, called me into his office and asked what happened. And I told you. Instead of sympathy, he began to terribly curse my husband: “Yes... how... could he! Yes, he’s such and such!” But for some reason, it was precisely this expression of compassion that released most of the silent horror from me, I sat and sobbed in this rude man’s office, and he swore, banged his fist on the table and poured me tea - I still remember this as one of the most the right compassion in my life.

The children supported me, and I tried very hard to stay close to them. They also grieved, they loved their stepfather very much. But my eldest daughter told me: Mom, it’s a big lesson for me to look at you now. I see how you can go through everything and stay alive.

The hardest part came a couple of months later, when the tears were cried out, my friends moved on with their own lives, the accusers calmed down and I no longer needed to fight them off - I felt that I myself now wanted to die, physically, to fade away and not breathe. And I went to the psychiatrist for pills.

She told me what I wrote at the very beginning. That I've lost everything.

And at that moment I realized that this was not so. My world was shaken and cracked in half, but it did not collapse. I still had a lot of things that would give me strength to live. And the life of my loved one ended - but not mine. His beloved body, his arms, legs, lips and eyes were buried in the ground - but not mine.

The doctor didn’t prescribe me anything serious, just something general tonic. She knew what she was doing. I had to go this route with my visor open. Burn out.

I cut my luxurious long hair short, wore the same clothes all the time, and lived simply and focusedly. In winter, I went to work for an organization that helps freezing homeless people. I did this in memory of someone I loved. He passed away to avoid this fate, which was already close to him. And he could be one of them.

I changed people's clothes, fed them and poured tea for them, I tried to talk to them kindly. Love them. I didn't need to be loved. I needed someone to love myself.

Heading there, I started applying makeup to my eyes and lips. Not because I wanted to please the homeless, but because I wanted them to feel our respect for them. And they understood this.

I tried to do various things that I had been planning for a long time and still couldn’t get together, and mentally talk to him: we are doing this together with you. I am now your hands and your heart, and it is alive in me.

When a person does not want to live, I understood, it is very difficult to breathe for him. Almost impossible. It is not our fault for such an event. We cannot breathe and live even for our nearest and dearest person.

But I now know for sure that in order for this to happen less, we must cultivate Love in ourselves. First in yourself. Let there be more of it in us. Maybe this is exactly what could help some of those who have run out of strength to live.

People often say that the wife of an alcoholic is as sick a person as her husband. This phrase contains a cruel truth that reflects the main meaning: a woman considers herself to be the one who can pull a drunkard out of the whirlpool, wean him from the habit of turning to the “green serpent.” However, this, alas, is not always the case.

Who are the brides of alcoholics?

People often wonder what makes a woman marry a man who clearly has a tendency to abuse alcohol? In most cases, according to psychologists, this is the desire to become a heroine, to “pull” another person out of the hole into which he has fallen, to re-educate him.

Important! In most cases, the fair sex is only interested in her husband, keeping silent or pushing her own needs into the background. The reason for this behavior is simple: a woman does not have the habit of trusting others or sharing her problems.

Such a focus on a person addicted to alcohol does him a disservice. After all, at first, when the relationship is just beginning, the bride feels sorry for her future spouse, not focusing on his addiction and hoping that she will be able to change him when they become a full-fledged family. But this doesn't happen.

Often the bride is asked why she marries a flawed man if she initially sees his flaw. In response, words are heard that loving woman must support her chosen one, help him cope with problems. But in this case it is worth remembering that loving spouses they overcome everything together, and in the case of an alcoholic husband in the family, there is no point in talking about love.

Relationships without love

The wife of an alcoholic often talks about her feelings and the man’s feelings for her, but it is worth clearing once and for all that there is no talk of any love in such relationships. Perhaps the woman loved the man before she found out about his addiction, but if love was actually present in the relationship, drunkards would quit drinking without a second thought.

For real mutual love forces a woman to structure her behavior differently, and then the man actually pulls himself together and stops drinking. In most cases, the wives of alcoholics have husbands who become drunk even faster.

There is an opinion that women who marry alcoholics grow up in a family where some unattainable ideals have always been set for them. At the same time, as psychologists say, a representative of the fair sex, due to her upbringing, does not consider that she deserves better and deliberately chooses a person who cannot appreciate her. Such a choice only confirms her picture of the world, which was instilled in her as a child.

To prevent such developments, psychologists recommend loving your daughters just like that. This boy needs incentive and praise in order to develop and grow above himself. Such an attitude towards a girl can turn her into, if not the wife of an alcoholic or drug addict, then certainly an unhappy woman in marriage who will choose not the one who is worthy of her, but the one whom she believes she herself is worthy of.

What happens after marriage

The situation after marriage gradually only gets worse. After all, a representative of the fair sex will never think of the simple truth that she deserves the best in this life. It becomes normal for her to perform some “feats” every day, proving something to herself and others. At the same time, it basically proves:

• something directly to her husband (who doesn’t care, but she’s trying, even though he doesn’t care);
• society (an ideal family has been created, even if it is obvious that everything is stitched together with white threads and, frankly speaking, badly);
• children (father beats them - daddy is just tired, father ignores them - don’t annoy him, he’s tired).

At the same time, we will not talk about the fact that a woman does not take real steps to rid a man of his addiction. After all, if, God forbid, he is cured, he can leave her, he will have no one and nothing to prove his heroism to!

Important! Many women admitted that it was important for them to create the illusion that they were able to manage the situation and control its course. This was said either in a letter to a psychologist or during oral conversations, but such confessions show what the essence of the problem is: in children's powerlessness to change the situation, the awareness of which was developed in a problematic family.

How a woman changes

The wife of a person with a tendency to abuse alcohol is, most often, a woman with low self-esteem. She didn’t get married, but jumped out to marry the first person who showed basic attention to her, he said kind word. Among the wives of alcoholics, many live by the principle “at least someone needs it and doesn’t deserve better.”

The low self-esteem of such representatives of the fair sex acts as a wide field of activity. She is always confident that she will prove herself to be a housewife, an excellent wife and lover, and he, in turn, noticing how wonderful she is, will immediately stop drinking. It’s even better if he has children from his ex-wives. Then you can immediately prove yourself as a sympathetic woman and replace the children’s mother.

A man is in no hurry to notice all the wonderful things that his wife does for him. He continues to drink as if nothing has changed in his life. The attempt to change gradually fades away, breaking due to the stubbornness of the stronger sex. A woman neglects herself, becomes hysterical, unkempt. To get something from her lover, she screams. She stops paying attention to her own beauty, because “there is no time, someone should do things, and not wander around salons.”

The result is predictable: the man drinks more actively, the woman still suffers and the situation gets worse every day. At the same time, you often don’t have the strength to get a divorce, and you don’t want to change anything radically in your own life either.

Many people wonder what advice can be given to the wives of alcoholics? You need to take the following as your rules:

• give up the habit of living the life of an alcoholic, monitoring him every minute and worrying about him, since this is completely pointless;
• stop babysitting an adult man like a child, make him responsible for his actions, regardless of whether he is drunk;
• give up the habit of saving a person who himself does not want to be saved and, moreover, expects to be saved, and therefore only buries himself deeper into his own problems;
• stop paying a man’s bills and his debts, even if he has to be beaten for it;
• it is necessary to stop shielding him in front of relatives, friends and acquaintances, let him be responsible for his actions, and the woman herself can simply say that the whole point is that her chosen one is drunk.
• You shouldn’t bring him home drunk, let him get there on his own;
• he will have to give up the search if he is delayed due to drinking, let him figure out the reasons for the delay himself and get home as he wants;
• it’s time to get out of the habit of doing for him the work that he is able to do himself in a sober state, otherwise he will never stop drinking;
• you need to force a man to fulfill his part of family responsibilities, regardless of his condition (if he doesn’t do it, that’s his problem; he will eat from dirty dishes or walk around in dirty clothes, depending on the range of responsibilities).

Important! A woman needs to understand that as soon as a drunkard feels a lack of guardianship, he will gradually begin to control himself. If you constantly take care of him and babysit him like a baby, he will never begin to take responsibility for his own actions!

What else should I do? Don't listen to people who try to blame the wife for her husband's drunkenness. The stereotype that a good woman's man does not drink has long been outdated. It is necessary to listen to those people around you who can tell you what exactly needs to be done differently. Those who are only capable of accusations can be safely ignored.

Being the wife of an alcoholic is hard and thankless work. A representative of the fair sex should think ten times about whether she really loves her chosen one with such bad habit, or is it just the fear of being alone? If, after reflection, you get the second option, then it is better not to tie the knot with a drunkard. And in general, any sane woman is better off refusing to marry a drinking man simply because she deserves better.

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