Question psychologists

Good day! My name is Maria, I have two children in my family, one 3.5 years old for another 5 years, with the eldest daughter there were always problems in relationships, absolutely not observed, he does not hear and does not want to hear my requests, the refusal reacts very aggressively, shouts, And furious. Tried and calmly and increased tone and on the pope, but when it happens in the pheet, it happens in the extreme measures, it causes her aggression, shows the language, sleep, very often, because the difference between daughters is small, they are constantly in the game, they are just I ignore me, for example, Obluy sandals, or call to eat, yes any requests, the eldest daughter is not very affectionate, for me, so at all nobody needs her, as he is in itself, it does not want to communicate, even just agreed with a grandmother on Skype, turns away or runs away, leadership, say enough sweets for today, so still in Torto finds and pulls, if you have bought a toy for 1 day, and no longer wants to play, I am not working my mother, I bring up my daughters, I went to work for half a year and resigned , to put them on anything to do anything, or a mosaic, this is a problem, before the eldest daughter, I was doing with me, I worked with the development of the child, they read a lot, we walk every day, the child does not have a shortage of anything, bike, scooter, rollers, All the family we walk and rest always, we live in one family, the Bvbushki and the Debushki do not live with us. The children are nowhere to leave anyone, we take everywhere with me, that is, the interests of children, my interests, all for the most favorites.

Hello Maria! What is the punishment system? It turns out that the daughter of fullness rejects your authority as a mother, like a parent - you see it, you know, she sees it, knows - but you don't take anything! You know that there is a ban on candy - she has already ate enough - but - she continues to carry them and no one forbids her - that is, she gets used to the fact that mom can always be circumvented that you can show your stubbornness, start to test and it scares my mother, my daughter sees that you do not see the strength and confidence in order to cope with that of her behavior and therefore And resorts. Punishment is not physical, not swearing - all this will not help. There is a method of logical consequences - when the child realizes that for a certain action there will be a consequence - that it is the child who chooses this consequence, the parent controls how it is performed. For example, it's time to dine and remove toys - she does not want and does not remove, continues to play (she knows the weapon against you!) Then you offer her two options - or she will remove them and then after a meal can play them or save them and you will also save them. Then she will not see these toys until the next day - that she chooses - Naturally, she will not believe you - after all, she has a means - screams, tears, hysterics - then you show your sequence and do the way they said - she resorts to her weapon - And here is important !!! To withstand it - let her understand that her tears, hysterics, you are not frightened and you are not going to give up - everything depends on your sequence - if you are consistent and introduce this system, you will follow the execution, then see how the behavior will change Daughters - Now she is a hostess, a small adult playing in it - and when you take your place of your parent and adult, only the place of the child will remain for it! For each situation, you can develop your consequences - this will help the child to realize - that she is responsible for their elections, which there are always consequences, and you are controlling this parent!

Maria, if you decide to figure out - you can safely contact me - Call - I will be glad to help you (you can write to mail, I can send the authors of the book and the name where you can read about it).

Shenderova Elena Sergeevna, Psychologist Moscow

Good answer1 Bad answer0

Mary, hello!

The reason for behavioral problems in preschool children is always associated with family relationships. On the nature of children's and parental relationships directly depends on the child of adults or not, whether the established rules performs whether aggression is shown in relation to home and MN.

The child, being a priori dependent on adults, is adjusted under the situation that exists in the family. Therefore, the behavior of your older (and the youngest) daughter directly depends on those reactions that follow it. And to change the behavior you need to change some of your reactions ...

I recommend you, Maria, not to delay the problem described and ask for full-time assistance to a psychologist as soon as possible. The fact is that negative behavior is fixed, and the longer this situation runs, the harder will change the behavior of the elder daughter. Moreover, it will gradually begin to influence the behavior of the younger ...

In addition, it is important to understand that disobedience of your daughter negatively affects its development. She gets used to feeling all the time "bad" ... And this affects the formation of low self-esteem, the complex of guilt and much more ... that it will fall into much more mature age! Therefore, in some sense, she needs your help! Not only you suffer from her disobedience, but she ... Let even understand it! ..

To resolve the situation, Maria, you need to contact a specialist, and the whole family come to the reception. One joint meeting will be enough for a psychologist to track that in family interaction can lead to behavioral problems described by you. Thus, it will be possible to determine the Cruz needed to correct the behavior of the older daughter and establishing your relationship with it!

Personally, I very often spend such work with the help of game therapy. So if there is a desire - please contact!

Karamian Karina Rubenovna, Psychologist, Psychotherapist, Moscow

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, earlier, the eldest daughter, with pleasure I did with me, was engaged in the development of the child,

And what happened?

Go to a psychologist in real life with my daughter.

Consult on Skype.

Oatmeal Lyudmila Mikhailovna, psychologist Minsk

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Good afternoon, Maria.

Perhaps this behavior of the eldest daughter is connected with jealousy. You can say: "Yes, there is no jealousy, we do not give a reason, we are normal parents" - and nevertheless, with such a difference at the age of jealousy almost always exists. Given that you are with children for a long time, the struggle and competition for mom is enhanced.

You tried to understand, and what the oldest wants? You write that it does not listen, does not fulfill your instructions. So she wants something else at that moment? What? Maybe your attention? Maybe stay together alone, without a younger?

The dialogue with the child is being established if parents try not only to push their rules and instructions, but also make it possible to make their needs and try to implement them.

Judging by what you described, I think you have some problems in the family, there are some problems with building boundaries, so a vicious circle is formed: you deprive yourself of personal time for the sake of children, and the children are on you even more, you deprive yourself more and exhaust yourself and They are even more indulging.

With all this, you need to deal with detail and build a method for "survival" of parents and a way of dialogue of children and parents, and their dialogue between themselves.

Alla Chugueva, System Family Psychotherapist, Moscow or Skype.

Good answer2 Bad answer3

Hello Maria.

What rushes into the eyes immediately.

The difference in the age of children. Senior child loses all the privileges with the birth of the second child in the family. In case the difference in age is less than 5 years, there is competition between children for the love and attention of parents, especially if the children of the same sex. Perhaps your "bad" behavior of the daughter is trying to attract your attention.

that is, the interests of children - my interests, all for the sake of the most favorite

Violation of the family hierarchy. When we talk about hierarchies, we are talking about dominance - subordination. These concepts include not only the scope of control, but also care. In each family, the distribution of parental authorities can be varied. For example, it may be a matriarchy if a mother stands at the family, Patriarchate, if - father or parity, when spouses agree on the spheres of influence.

Hello everyone! The topic of family relationships was relevant at all times. The family is a small state where the war can also go and come the world. But, nevertheless, you need to try and work on everyone to respember each other and understood. We all want to live in peace and harmony with their children, but unfortunately, not everyone goes smoothly. Non-understanding arise, and as a result, the relationship is spoiled. The task of any parent is prevented to break the ties, but if this happened, to establish relationships with the child. Here we will talk about this today.

All parents take care of their children daily: they feed, dress, bring up them, however, it does not always happen enough, there is one important moment - confidence and good relationships. If in the family frequent "guests" there were tears and misunderstanding between children and adults, then it is necessary to carefully review the relationship and understand what is wrong.

Causes of misunderstanding and quarrels with children

First of all, it is worth understanding why there was a breakdown between parents and children, there are several most common options:

Strict discipline

No one says that the child should not have any prohibitions and restrictions, naturally, it is the parents who explain the chad that you can do, and what should not do. However, it is important to understand the difference between discipline and totalitarian control, bordering a despotism. Often, families began to meet, where moms and dad believe that the child should obey them unquestionably. But any boy or girl, first of all, an individual personality with its desires and feelings, so adults need to take into account the opinion of the child for each issue.

You should not give orders your own chad, it is better to contact him with a request to help anything at home. After all, it will not be a bad adult person from what he will say the word - "Please," his own child.

The error that the child should!

So it turns out that children for some reason all the time turn out to be their parents. Stop for a minute and think, why should my son or daughter? No one asked for a crocha to appear on the light, it was a personal decision of the parents, and take care of his own offspring - it's natural. You do not need to wait all the time from the child that he will thank you until the end of life just for what you gave him life. Of course, in a normal family with a good attitude towards each other, a son or daughter will be able to help parents, but it will come from the soul, and not because Chado must and should. Do not stand all the time from a child thanks and force him to do something by blackmail, son or daughter must want to help parents.

Unnecessary expectations

Often, dissatisfaction with his own baby begins to appear from his parents when they begin to compare it with other children on the playground. Well, as it is not worth it, when the neighmber Makar may and for himself stand up, and the alphabet knows himself, and your Timofey costs himself as a sideline, can not associate two words, neither to defend their toy property in a fight! It is important for parents to understand that I never need to compare your own child with anyone, if you give yourself such an installation from the birth of crumbs, then protect your own family from a huge number of errors and troubles.

Remember, it is your child who is individual, he may not know the alphabet in three years, not to go to a pot into two, not to reclaim poems, to be shy, afraid of big dogs and pretty men, but it does not mean that he does not grow bad and Nothing is possible. You love your own child, because you have, only faith parents, support in all endeavors will help the child to become a full-fledged person. Do not compare the child with anyone else, he will surely have their own talents and hobbies that you just need to help open.

Non-measurability of duties

The disorder is often due to the fact that too many duties are poured into the child. Sometimes parents do not require a "great" home help, but impose on Chado in addition to studying at school or walking to a kindergarten, an incommensiable number of children's sections. Try to be intelligent and decide along with the child, on what circles he really would like to walk!

It is not worth a "pass" a child from little age and "beat" his desire to do in general by anything. Be sure to leave the child time on free activities - simple walks, reading books and even the game on a computer, all this needs to be done.

Disrespect of the child

Unfortunately, the older the child becomes, the parents begin to demand more from him and make it most often in disrespectful form. Not depending on how many years old, it is necessary to understand that he is man and always respect his interests and reckon with opinion. Even the baby is 2-3 years old worth offering choose clothes from several offered sets! Why make the child forcibly have an unloved soup - you can simply be able to eat only the second or prepare individually for him a small saucepan of noodles, which he loves so much. Respect your own child from the Small years, listen to him and then it will pay for you by Storm.

More articles on the topic:

How to establish relationships with a child

If it happened that it seems to you as if you are talking to different languages \u200b\u200bwith your child, you cannot endure his presence for a long time, and any communication ends with swearing, then it's still never too late to change the situation for the better. So, what are the steps to confidential relations.

Support and trust!

Try to find in yourself the strength and pick up the necessary words to help your child get out of the situation, even if he was wrong. It is not necessary to organize public "parses" of the situation, if your child swear outsiders or teacher, discuss the problem alone with other adults, do not allow any circumstances to shout to your child under any circumstances. Everything that your son or daughter did is not like that - discuss alone with him, find out why he did it, make joint conclusions.

Interest

Mom will not be superfluous than the child is interested in. In fact, even if you do not share the hobbies and your children's hobbies try to treat them not with neglect, listen, why the daughter sympathizes exactly this musical group, and the son has become fascinated by "shooting" on the computer. Of course, it is not necessary to show intrusiveness, but to take interest and penetrate the life of the son or daughter will be the right decision.

Show the child also that you yourself are a versatile person ready for new discoveries and adventures. Who said that mom will not be able to pass the track on a rope park on a par with her son? And catch carp or go through a difficult level in a computer game. Children always proudly tell the peers that they have great parents, especially this is valuable in adolescence.

Down with morals, the road dialogue!

Try to reduce long morals about the meaning of life, home duties, learning lessons. Try to briefly convey to a child request. It is better if in the family will become a tradition of long conversations for pleasant for all themes, discuss the plan for relaxation for the next weekend, decide how prettier to make repairs, which to give for holidays close. Try also to celebrate 5 positive things and events every day that happened with each family member during the day, so you will focus on and more often notice all the good things happen around.

Hugs and caress

A little child is very easy to hug and kiss, it wants to do all the time, but the older the child becomes, the more he is moving away from his parents. Yes, and mom with his father is sometimes not so I want to squeeze an angular teenager who only pretends to be all unhappy. Take a rule to hug a son or daughter at least 5 times a day, most likely, he will first react to this with surprise and will feel awkward. However, after all a few days, it will become an excellent habit and will soften not quite the root relationship between you.

In order not to happen in life around, always keep your son or daughter and then parents will be the most important people to which you can always contact. More respect for each other, understanding, and the most important child's adoption with all its shortcomings. Love your son or daughter just because he or she has it. Then you will not ask yourself a question how to establish relationships with the child. Try to listen to him and then you will also be heard, trust the Chad and then he will answer you the same!

Parents turn to psychologists with absolutely different requests, but the general essence can be reduced to one, the most important thing is to establish high-quality cooperation with the child, learns to understand each other, hear each other, to establish a trusting relationship.

The main tools for the establishment of contact are:

1. Unconditional love and acceptance

This is the first - and, perhaps, the most important of your "instrument" in establishing good relationships with children.

Love and fully take a child as it is (not for something and for some reason, but just like this) is the best thing any parent can do. Perhaps this is the main duty.

You should not focus on the standards of society, equal to other kids in everything (even when the 3-child son of the girlfriend himself ties the shoelaces, and the daughter-high school students loves learning and wins the Olympics in mathematics).

Children feel when they are compared. Feel when you do not accept something in them. They are in the literal sense "read" adults. And - often specifically make something not so as not to be similar to those with whom you compared them. Children want you to notice, finally, the good and unique that there is in them.

This is perhaps - the second main task of any parent: identify and notice all the best in his child - and it is shown to him; Direct the development in the sides where he is most successful and talented.

Instead of looking for guilty (most often, parents are considered to blame themselves or child), pay attention to the situation in which the baby develops.

Believe him, feel it, love, trust, play, do. And believe me - everything will come. Each person, each child has its own way of development, and he is always like that.

2. Help and support. Do you need to help children?

The child needs to help in the fact that he still can not do himself. This is confirmed by the studies of many psychologists. In particular, it was one of the first to notice the Soviet scientist Lev Semenovich Vygotsky, actively engaged in the study of the cognitive abilities of children.

The main principle, proclaimed by L. S. Vygotsky: Training should be ahead of development. Where a small child receives (still without knowing how to himself) Help adult - it fastests skills faster.

It is important to track the moment when your child can easily cope with himself. If the baby has already mastered some kind of skill, but still constantly asks for your help-work with motivation for independent actions.

The most effective motivational tool for small children and schoolchildren is hanging around the house of posters-instructions.

For example, you want the kid in the morning to refuel the crib in the morning, then dressed, cleaned his teeth and combed - and all this without unnecessary persuasion and stages on your part. Find (or draw yourself) a poster, where these actions will be indicated in the sequence you need.

• How to present? Little children, as a rule, love very new "stories" and "Gifts" appear in their room (so you can imagine it).
• For clarity, you can use on these drawings of your favorite heroes and character characters (and you know how a spiderman starts his morning?)
• You can attract a child to decorating a poster, to the selection of places where the child will want to place the instruction (to see it every morning).

In fact, you offer a child to use the new material on our own, referring to these instruction posters. Children often perceive it as their choice, their solution - and much more willingly study a new sequence than under the tedious persuasion of adults.

Similar schemes can be used in any areas:

• How to move the road, what can not be done on the street?
• What sequence to wear clothes?
• How to make a sandwich yourself?
• How to cook pasta?
• What to check before leaving home?

What to do in the morning and in the evening?
Schedule


How to behave in school

3. The ability to listen and hear, or how to learn an active hearing

Active listening - This is a very, very valuable and useful tool for establishing communication.

Not only with children, by the way, but also with adults. Try).

1. 1. Create a "Rapport" with the interlocutor - "Set" on his wave. With the child, this means at least, to look into his eyes, at him, when he tells something (ideally, if it comes to some situation or problem - go down to its level, sit down.
   2. Approval - it is necessary to prove that you heard or understood.

For example:

Child: I will not go to dance! Everything is angry there!

Mum: Last time on dancing something happened. Someone offended you. (with understand, approval)

Child: I do not want this soup.

Mum: Today you do not want carrot soup. You do not like it to look \\ You do not like the carrot in the soup.

The bottom line is that you are talking to your vision of the situation. It is better to make this statement, and not a question - especially when the child is very upset, crying. He must understand that you hear and understand his feelings.

1. Then it is important to withstand pause. The child must realize that you are configured to understand it. Realize whether you understand it correctly. Often after this pause, children begin to tell that they actually have happened and you can continue the dialogue.
2. Try to actually understand and voice out loud that the child feels in it situations.

Examples:

• "I feel, you're angry"
• "You are saddened"
• "You are very disappointing that Masha has selected a bear with a bear"
• "You do not want to be friends with her more"
• "Did it hurt"
• "You wanted dad to regret you"

4. Hug your child at least 8 times a day

"Because of my tendency to the arms, Dr. Love began to call me," says Paul Zack. - And here you have a recipe from Dr. Love: eight hugs per day. We found out that when people are produced by oxytocin, they become happier ... eight hugs per day - and you will be happier, and the world will become better. "

Scientists have long proved that children often hug in childhood, grow psychologically sustainable and more confident. Hugs especially favorably affect the development of young children, improve the development of memory and mental abilities.

With hugs in the human body, active production of oxytocin and endorphine ("hormone of happiness") occurs. These hormones support immunity and contribute to the establishment of more durable emotional relations between people.

5. Open and honestly share your thoughts and feelings in the "I-message" format

If you want your children to be psychologically healthy - start with yourself. Any children's psychotherapy begins with parental work. Only with joint workouts (in those cases, of course, when children are small), a qualitative result is possible.

You are a living person. It is normal - to experience different emotions when interacting with people, with loved ones, with your own children. Children can also do something that we are unpleasant that we are annoyed or angry.

As a rule, the parents have 2 extremes: the first is to buy a negative (and sooner or later, it will come out, or will manifest itself in diseases, nervous disruptions, depression, etc.); The second is to break down on the child, close, shout, which negatively affects the relationship.

Children often consider parents "stone" - and they are afraid to establish friendly relationships simply because they do not talk about their true feelings.

What is the "Golden Middle", and how to spill emotions correctly?

Just report your emotions and feelings to a child from the first person (the so-called I-message). The main rule of I-reports is not to talk about the child's behavior by phrases "because you", "because your behavior", etc., because it will be already messages).

Examples:

"I don't like to repeat several times the same thing. This takes me out of myself and angry. I want to finally heard me.

"I upsets dirt in the kitchen. I cleaned the table all morning, and very insulting to see the crumbs and dirty dishes. "

"I am annoyed when the children cry and moan. Very, very annoying and angry. "

"I am ashamed when the doctor in the clinic complains about the behavior of my child. I feel embarrassed. I am unpleasant to hear such. "

Believe me, the sincere expression of feelings will only bring you closer to your child. He will learn to better understand you, and over time he will learn how to express his feelings like that, which will contribute to more efficient and prosperous communication.

If you have confidential relationships with a child, you can ask what he thinks with respect to your feelings.

Is it possible to express your discontent with the actions of the child?

The answer is yes. Sure you may. When it comes to the educational moment, and not about your feelings, you need to inform the child that he did incorrectly in the "Post-Messages" format.

The main thing is to evaluate negatively not Himself ("you are stupid, sludge, etc."), and its specific acts that you do not like, his behavior. (I do not like how you treated this task / you were impolitely talked, etc.)

To establish a good relationship with the child - it is an important work in the life of any parent. I hope these tips will help you!

I would like to finish the material by the Council of the famous children's psychologist Yulia Borisovna HippenReuterWhose huge practical experience helps many parents today to establish relationships with children:

Come up with several classes with a child, or several family affairs, traditions that will create a joy zone. Make some of these classes or things regularly, so that the child waited for them - and knew that they would come, if he did not do something very bad. Cancel them only if the misdemeanor happened really tangible, and you are actually upset. The zone of joy is the "Golden Fund" of the safe life of the child.

How to establish relationships with a child? This question most often arises from the parents, whose child begins to show character and show independence. Those moms and dads that continue to put on the kid with their authority, risk and lose contact with him at all. After all, in such cases, children, as a rule, get closed in themselves, begin to think that no one understands them, and feel lonely.

Especially important to parents know how to establish relationships with a child of 5 years. After all, this age is considered the most important for establishing friendly contacts. And if the parents missed this moment and the relationship is already spoiled? In this case, it will take the use of emergency tactics of actions, which is recommended by professional psychologists.

The importance of the problem

The relationship between parents and children is spoiled if the adults do not have a clutch necessary, and they do not bother the secrets of their daughters and sons. It happens and if they do not sleep over the dynamics of their development. The relationship between parents and children as a psychological problem is beginning to develop in those situations where adults fake in their conversation are not able to enter the world of the child without imposing their views, push and critical comments, without nervousness and prejudice.

Week of trust

How to establish relationships with a child? Psychologists recommend to allocate confidence for this. When she holds, it is not necessary to scold a child for what he said or did. During this period, parents must observe their chance and celebrate everything good that he is trying to do on his own.

Adults should be understood that it is time for them to start trusting the child. After all, he has already quite developed self-esteem and independence, allowing to take certain decisions. Of course, in this case, regardless of the age of Chado for parents, still remains a child, but already matured. Such a week of confidence will be a kind of training and education of the younger man.

An example to follow

How to establish relationships with a child? For this, he needs to instill positive qualities. Would children be able to become independent, reasonable and independent if they are not to take an example with whom? However, to enter the younger person in various life situations, it is difficult to teach. Child Everything needs to be shown on your example. Only in this case, parents will be able to achieve a major educational goal. Moreover, it should consist not at all in the issuance of instructions and advice, but in the expression of approval and support in life path.

Ignoring wrong behavior

Often, parents themselves become the reason that their child behaves badly. The whole thing is that adults pay such behavior. A react to the adults of the child adults can positively, praising it, or negative, exposing criticism. However, according to psychologists, to solve the problem of bad behavior and establish good relations with a complete lack of attention. Ignoring technique is a fairly efficient method. Parents will have to comply with only some conditions:

• Do not pay attention means not shouting and do not kill my child. Considering your affairs, you just need to follow the child.
• You can ignore the baby completely only until it stops himself to behave. It may last 5 minutes, and 30. So the parents need to gain patience.
• Ignore the child should and all other family members who are in one room with him.
• After the kid becomes good, it should be praised. Parents must say, for example, that they are very pleased that the baby stopped shouting, because their ears had hurt from loud sounds.

Thus, compliance with ignoring techniques will require patience. But the most important thing - adults must remember that they should not pay attention to the child at all, but on his bad behavior.

Distracting maneuvers

How to establish relationships with a child? Avoid conflict situations will allow distracting maneuvers. The most effective similar way in cases where the child has already managed to rip it out that it becomes impossible to reach it. To distract the baby completely simply, giving him a toy or another desired thing for him. For already grown children, parents need to show a creative approach. They need to know what children dream of, and focus their attention on the fact that it is not at all the subject of conflict. For example, a child can strongerly stretch behind chewing elastic. It is not worth it to offer fruits. It will annoy her son or daughter even more. in this situation? Parents should immediately pick up an interesting occupation for him. For example, start with him a game or show focus. At such a moment, any food offered as a replacement of a chewing will remind the baby that he did not get the desired.

It is a sharp change of action takes children from their requirements. In addition, it will allow the new proposal to play on the curiosity of the baby. Parents should know what children dream of, and as soon as possible to interfere with the situation. The original will be their new proposal, the more likely it will be possible to succeed.

A change of scenery

If the age of children is ranging from 2 to 5 years, then parents physically must remove the child from the conflict. It is the change of the situation that will allow adults and kids to stop feeling hopelessness. Such a mission will be best fulfilled by the parent, who currently has more cheerfulness and flexibility in the circumstances.

Hike with children in the forest, in the zoo, in the cinema, in the park and other interesting places will be an excellent change in the situation.

Use replace

How to establish relationships with a child if he does not at all what you need? In this case, parents must take it to what is required. Adults need to teach children how to behave correctly in certain circumstances. Just say "so do it is impossible!" It will not be enough for the process of establishing contact. It will be necessary to show the alternative, that is, it is intelligible to explain how to act in one situation or another. For example:

• a child drawing a pencil on the wallpaper should be given a coloring book;
• girl taking Mamina Cosmetics, you need to buy a nursery that will be easy to wash off;
• with a child who throws stones, you need to play the ball.

If a child takes some fragile or dangerous thing, he needs to give a toy in return. After all, children are very easily addicted and quickly find the output of physical and creative energy. The ability of parents to quickly find a good replacement for unwanted behavior of their children will allow to protect it from many problems.

Strong arms

Parents should not allow children to fight them or anyone else, even if the child does it not hurt. Sometimes the mother suffers when the kids try to knock them out. The fathers of this will do not allow their own chad. Mama should not tolerate such a child's behavior. After all, the fucking children behave in a similar way not only at home. They allow themselves to fight both in other places, and even with outsiders. In addition, react to any physical violence - the habit is bad. Moreover, in the future, the younger person will get rid of it will be quite difficult. Parents should not allow their child, growing, believed that Mom (equivalent to the concept of a woman) will endure everything from him, including physical violence.

How to learn the baby from the fight? To do this, an adult must hug him tightly, not allowing his hands to spread. At the same time, it is necessary to firmly say: "I do not allow you to fight." You need to be prepared for the fact that the child will start loudly shout and squeeze. But after, feeling the hardness of an adult, his strength and conviction, he will understand what to calm down.

Find pluses

Relationships of children with parents should not be built on criticism. It is always very unpleasant. A child who is criticized, begins to be offended and annoying. This leads to the fact that he ceases to come to contact. Of course, the parents still have to speak critically speak of the wrong behavior.

However, they need to make every effort to avoid conflict. How to achieve a similar result? Yes, just soften your criticism. In this case, the child will be much easier to perceive it. For example, an adult can say that the baby has a wonderful voice, but it is still impossible to sing during lunch.

Selection offer

Children sometimes quite actively resist any instructions of parents. Why does it happen? Yes, because it is for them is the only way to defend its independence. How does the conflict avoid conflict in this case? For this, the child should offer a choice. For example, asking him that he would eat for breakfast - porridge or scrambled eggs, or in which shirt will go to school, in yellow or in blue.

Parents are important to give the child the right to choose. It will make him think independently. Upon receipt of the opportunity to make decisions in children develop a healthy sense of its own significance and self-esteem increases. Such a move allows parents on the one hand to meet the needs of their offspring in independence, and on the other - to maintain control over its behavior.

Joint solution to the problem

This technique is particularly effective for children from 6 to 11 years. After all, at this age, younger students have a huge desire to take responsibility. How to talk to the child to achieve the desired result? For example, Mom can tell the Son that due to the fact that he dressed for a very long time in the morning, she, having gone to school, constantly late to work. At the same time, you need to ask the child, does he have a solution that would allow to correct the situation? It is such a direct question will make schoolboy feel that he is considered a responsible person. The children understand perfectly well that the parents do not always have and not all have their own answers. That is why they often seek to make a personal contribution, sometimes just fountaining various offers.

Hypothetical situations

Such reception psychologists recommend to apply also between the ages of 6 and 11 years. In order to establish relationships, parents need to use hypothetical situations, leading to the example of their child's chad. So, they can ask what to do mom and dad his best friend who does not want to share toys.

In this case, adults have an excellent opportunity without any conflicts and completely calmly discuss the rules of behavior with their offsry. However, it is worth it in mind that the conversation should be held in a relaxed atmosphere in the absence of passions. An excellent pretext to start discussing life problems are also films, TV programs and books.

It should be borne in mind that resorting to imaginary examples, parents should not end the conversation as a question that returns a child to reality. For example, to clarify him, whether he knows who, as well as his friend, is not divided into toys. A similar question will immediately destroy good feelings and then the valuable message that parents tried to convey to their children.

Games

The boys and girls are interested in much. When we play with children at home, we let them see the child in us. It brings closer and allows you to establish contact.

At the same time, you can use anything - balls and dolls, making crafts and singing. The main thing is that the game is interesting and child and adult.

Big family

If parents raise two or more children, psychologists advise to constantly express their love to each of them. For this, kids need to say as much warm words as possible. In addition, parents need to hug their children more often. According to psychologists, in a large family to do it at least 4 times a day.

What to do parents, if the time for children because of big employment is simply not enough? Create a peace-loving atmosphere in the family can be in various ways. For example, one of the parents can sit down their knees and at the same time hug them. If the kids are more than two, and this method is not suitable, then moms and dads are invited to arrange universal kissing. For example, the children immediately kiss one of the parents, then another. After that, mom and dad kiss in any sequence of children.

Did you think about the fact that the frank conversation for a daughter or son is sometimes more important than a hot soup plate?

Too little time to all have time. There are constantly urgent things: feed, prepare clothes, give medicine, control the lessons. If a free minute is issued, we try to use it for yourself: to view the magazine diagonally, transfer to several phrases with a girlfriend, the edge of the eye to look for your favorite transfer or at least make a mask.

And the child is waiting. No, no duty issues like: "How are you? In school, everything is fine? " No instructions: "Look, be smart!" And even more so not irritated centions: "Night again? Covers yourself something! Here I am in your age ... "He is waiting for what we will play with him, we will give, together we will make a model of the aircraft or a savory outfit for the doll, will answer his endless" why "and tell something interesting from your childhood. He wants mom and dad to be friends for him. Do we have at this time?

Why is he leaving?

I did not understand for a long time why my son on the weekend is so torn to the grandfather and grandmother. Is it really bad with us? Why, we constantly strive to break out somewhere out of the house, and they are mostly in the apartment sit! Even a Saturday meeting with a friend and a family campaign in Cafe Andrei could easily be exchanged for the weekend at my parents. The son is always returned in the mood, with the news: "Mom, look, here we are with my grandfather which boat smeared in a bottle!

You can't imagine how difficult it was! .. "or shows funny chastushki verses, which they composed together. Demonstrates photos from the zoo: In addition to the beasts, all indicator signs captured. Or just three watched a film about schoolchildren, and then discussed. It was also strange to other: Andrei's houses helping not particularly seeking to help, and grandfather with grandparents and chops, and salads cut, and washes the dishes.

It began to analyze how my husband and I communicate with your son. Let's give advice: "Look, be careful!" We constantly teach how this or that matter is to perform. School news listened in style: "Faster, faster, and then we are busy." With lessons help reluctantly, not forgetting to mention that they always cope with homework (lies!). True, we read the books, do crafts, but everything is less likely - there is still younger, she also wants to pay time. And with grandfather's grandfather, Andrei is not a parent relationship, but friendship. That that is equal.

What does the child need?

How to make friends with my daughter or son? Many parents do not know the answer to this question. And not because they are bad. On the contrary, very caring! Without a stop, they are instructed, the contigious, protect, indulge ... However, it does not make the baby happy. What does he want? Not much: confidence, understanding, joint cases.

Psychologist Lesya Antonova warns: "Friendship, like love, requires complete dedication. When mom prepares or strokes, she, though very tired, but belongs to himself. But when he plays with a child, he works with him what is interesting for him, then the effort is often done over himself.

This, if neither paradoxically, it turns out much more difficult than bothering and serving. Therefore, many parents choose an easier way: "I care about you, and you listen to me." The child needs our participation, empathy! He wants us to share with him and joy, and pain. "

Unfortunately, I'm familiar to me. And I will not get tired readers the theory, which I learned in an interview with a psychologist. It is better to remember my own childhood and parent lessons from Mom and Pope, Andryushina Grandparents. Maybe they will come to someone else!

10 lessons from my parents

1 They trusted me, and I am.

About what to lie badly, I intently explained in six years. Mom left us with the younger sister to play in the yard and told not anywhere to leave. But we were fascinated and went along with girls across the road to tear the colors of Cherry: the trees are buoyanly bloomed. In a word, after some time, the mother did not find his girls in the yard. We appeared later, with confidence that they did not go anywhere and all this time played near the garages.

In the evening, me as the older strictly punished: a week without sweet. Dad explained: "I'm not punished for a disappointing, but for the fact that I lied." I do not know why, but this case has crashed into memory for all my life, as well as the conclusion arising from it: to lie to parents is unacceptable. Therefore, about all his leprosy was honest, although not without fear, tell. Nevertheless, I trusted me.

I could bring my girlfriends to the house, when there was no one, he herself went to the shop for purchases and disposed of surrender, on an equal footing with adults who came to visit. This is flattering and forced to justify expectations. Only now I understand what nerves it was worth my restless mom evening gatherings daughter with friends in high school. But I have never been banned somewhere to go. Because if my mother said: "Before nine!" - So, exactly nine I will come back.

2 They have enough patience.

When I start to explain to the son of the coordination of times in English, then I repeat about myself a carlson appeal to calmness. But then I still break down: "Why didn't you teach? How can? Head think head! " I have no doubt: when my father explained to me how to take a derivative or calculate the kinetic energy of a moving body, I demonstrated even more "brilliant" intellectual abilities.

But he managed to rescue my mathematical cretinism. So now, starting to make something with the grandson, he gives him a complete freedom of action and patiently demolides the consequences: a stained paint kitchen table, tea, droplets of meat juice on the floor, cut the oil. He is not angry, does not shout, does not cause beless. And to me, constructed dissatisfied mom, explains: "And otherwise how do you teach? .."

3 We could speak souls.

Conversations with parents are an important part of my childhood. Mom often recalled her school years and youth. I knew the names of classmates in which she was in love, did not get tired of laughing at the antiquity of the old man physics, although he knew them by heart.

Even the diary she led in the "Artek", with her permission read. These conversations incredibly brought closer: it turns out that the adult and busy mom once had the same problems as me! And my feelings are familiar!

Dad did not say so much about himself as about the world. The most interesting topics were discussed with him: from alien civilizations to repression of the 30s. It was possible to come to him with any question: uncomfortable, incredible, stupid. He always answered seriously, if necessary, picked up literature. I never laughed and did not say: "Erunda", "you still know early" or "grow - you will understand." Until now, I am grateful to him for it.

4 We had common hobbies.

At least, and my sister and my sister were in deep confidence that they are common. Was the father wondering to regularly release school wall newspapers with us? Perhaps, he perfectly draws. But with a greater hunt, he would probably have read fiction or engaged in the binding of books.

And organize kvven in my class? When I solved something similar to starting with my son, I realized that it was not so easy. It is necessary to develop a "bottomhole" scenario, prepare prizes, but most importantly - possess a certain charisma to gain the attention of the guys. Pope has this charisma. Maybe the secret is that he really liked it? He looks at the same time with the grandson of cartoons and "Elash"!

5 laughed and fooling together.

Some parents with rejection belong to children's jokes and "American" humor of cartoons: they say, they raise a bad taste. Others protect their children from adult irony and satire - not in age. In my family laughed a lot and for any occasion.

Houses on the shelves were the collections of cartoons and intertwined journals "Crocodile" - class in the 6-7th I read them up to the holes. Zhvanetsky and governor often quoted for children. Anecdotes about Vovochka, too, happened, told.

The ability to swallow over yourself and others have always been encouraged by adults. Maybe it is anti-dongy. But such an approach to life, firstly, helped not hang his nose in everyday troubles (spammed on themselves - and "painted"), and secondly, created a certain secret alliance between family members, a closed group, where the password was a sense of humor. Therefore, now, when a husband and son are watching "Evening Kiev" or "give younger!", I ... fasten the heart, not protest.

6 received new impressions.

Perhaps nothing brings together people as joint trips and difficulties. My parents did not go to tourist hiking, but traveling with them in the country was remembered for life. In Ossetia, we went with dad when I was 10 years old. Our route was supposed to pass through Alagir, the Tseyn and Kurtatinsky gorge and the capital of Georgia - Tbilisi.

Tests (in my understanding) began with emergency landing in Minvodas - I had to do in the Aeroflot Hotel. Then there were mountains, fishing, multi-kilometer hiking, cable car, lamb kebabs, flavored by local folklore, a source of healing Narzan, life in trays, new acquaintances, excursions, bathing in an ice mountain river, filled with spicy aromas Tbilisi market ... From the impressions rushed the roof: I wrote my mother and sister long letters to at least somehow consolidate in memory experienced.

I returned home to another person. Natives said that I stopped being "lemon", that is, no longer sucked for any reason.

7 In a difficult situation, I hoped on them

Once my school girlfriend lost her keys to the house. She sat at me until late evening and was shaking, describing the horrors that they are waiting now. Mom had to literally take her hand to her parents, so she was afraid ... In my own life, there were similar stories in my own life: then the wallet with money on shoes was pulled out in trolleybus, then the earring was lost gold, then Trojak grabbed the fourth control. I understood that I wouldn't plunge on my head, but I knew another: together we will survive it, my parents will support me.

Habit in difficult situations consult with mom has been preserved to this day. Even scolding myself: nothing to her, hypertension with experience, worry about my turmoil. But I can do nothing with me. It is worth hearing her encouraging: "Forget and live on!" Or dashing: "Walking - flour will ..." - and the problem releases.

8 They respectfully treated my life.

With my interests were considered - this is definitely. If I did not want to go to visit, go to my grandmother or wearing some thing, no one worried me, although they tried to convince. Parents never said: "Do not be friends with the same thing, keep away from him!" Dad recently explained: "It is impossible to demand from children to be only as they want to see their parents. They are always others, but this is not all worse. "

9 believed in me and did not compare with others.

Of course, I grew up a cute, obedient girl, but surely distant from the parent ideal. If other children manage to boast of success in a music school, a knowledge of a foreign language or some sporting achievements, then I grab the rear. I have no hearing, sports amart - too, and there was not enough patience to foreign.

Nevertheless, parents believed in me. And when I was going to the next Olympics, IT in doubt about my abilities, my father repeated my motto Harry Kasparov: "Who, if not you?" Need to say, these four words helped me cope with indecision.

10 We tried to be sincere.

Do you think I had an ideal relationship in my family? I hurry to disappoint you. We quarreled quite brightly, swear and offended each other. But at the same time they always tried to remain sincere. Parents openly spoke about their feelings and attitude to one or another children's actions. We and my sister, in turn, did not hide their emotions from them.

And most importantly, what we taught us - it is forgiveness. Agree, it is sometimes incredibly difficult to say his own child: "Sorry, I was not right." After all, this phrase dumps us from the top of adulthood down. We lose their significance and are defenseless. But in these moments, the child feels equal to adult and generously forgives him. As it should be true friends.