Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the child who experiences it, but also for parents. Often teenage behavior is disturbing and deservedly irritating. A particularly unpleasant story is manipulation. Let's figure out how they work

The main types of teenage manipulation and ways to combat them

Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the child who experiences it, but also for parents. Often teenage behavior is disturbing and deservedly irritating. A particularly unpleasant story is manipulation. Let's figure out how they work.

Manipulation- this is a hidden psychological influence on a communication partner in order to achieve beneficial behavior from him.

Let's look at the reasons, main types of teenage manipulation and ways to cope with them.

Why does a teenager manipulate?

Let us remember that one of the most important tasks of adolescence is to learn to make independent decisions and take responsibility for them. A growing child must become an adult, and often he has to win back his independence and self-sufficiency.

But sometimes the solution to this problem is understood by a teenager as a desire to do what he wants: hanging out late, staying with friends overnight, not going to school, playing the computer excessively, and so on.

It is important to note that independence and responsibility are two necessary components for the development of a teenager. So there must be a certain degree of freedom. There must be areas of responsibility that you can completely entrust to a teenager and leave to him.

At the same time, we must not forget that the boundaries of what is permitted are also the most important condition for development. And it is important to define and defend these boundaries; this is necessary both for the teenager himself and for all members of his family.

Only parents or significant adults who are involved in education can set boundaries. It is important to identify and agree on the consequences for violating them. Rules must be reasonable and age appropriate.

Teenagers do not always want to respect the boundaries of discussed agreements; violations of norms and rules are typical for this age. Sometimes the desire to be an adult is understood as “doing what I want.”

In order to achieve their goals, teenagers resort to different methods. One of them is manipulation in dialogue with parents, an attempt to achieve beneficial behavior from parents through emotional influence. It is important to detect in time that you are being manipulated and not fall into this trap.

How to detect if you are being manipulated?

The main helpers here are your feelings, because they act as markers of what is happening.

Manipulation causes the following feelings:

Shame

The teenager seeks to “shatter” the parental position and provoke a feeling of shame. As a rule, expressions like: “Vasya’s parents allow everything...”, “Lena can share everything with her parents, and they understand her...”, “Tolya has complete freedom, but I’m like in prison...”, “You don’t do anything.” you see, I’m completely behind the times…” and so on.

The emphasis is on someone being a better parent. The statements are aimed at inducing a feeling of shame, which is one of the main tools for manipulation.

Fear

Messages of this kind are associated with a threat to the teenager’s safety and the parents’ inability to influence this. “Now I’ll leave and won’t come back...”, “If you don’t let me in, I’ll run away...”, “If you don’t give me money, I’ll go and steal it...” and so on. The goal is to evoke a feeling of anxiety or fear, which is an excellent tool for manipulation.

A parent is ready to do anything to avoid exposing their child to danger and risk.

Guilt

Messages from this group are related to calling strong feeling guilt. Every person always has many reasons to feel guilty before their loved ones. For example, insufficient material well-being (“everyone has the latest model of smartphone”), parents’ divorce, the fact that his parents work a lot and spend little time with him, that the school he studies in is not good enough, and in general - “Everyone has normal parents, not like you.”

A strong feeling of guilt is a good tool for manipulation. When a parent feels guilty, he is ready to meet halfway on many issues against his will.

Anger

This universal feeling, like all the previous ones, is accompanied, among other things, by anger and irritation. But such a strong feeling may arise that it is almost impossible to bear. I want to stop it as soon as possible.

As a rule, it is caused by long and persistent demands or “whining”. When a teenager does not stop, and does not stop, and continues to insist or “moan.” It is important that this happens for quite a long time and one gets the feeling that it is impossible to hide or escape from it.

Powerlessness and helplessness

The above feelings often give rise to a feeling of powerlessness, “give up”, the parent gets the feeling that he is not able to influence anything.

To cause powerlessness in a parent means to achieve a goal, because a helpless parent is no longer able to insist on his own and limit the teenager in anything.

How to resist a teenager's manipulation?

Notice your feelings. P Remember that feelings are markers of what is happening; they will allow you to notice the beginning of manipulation in time. Understand the mechanism of manipulation.

Remember that everyone is offensive and not too pleasant words and actions are just a way for a teenager to achieve his goal.

Do not use manipulation yourself in dialogue with your child. - in this way you teach him dishonest methods of behavior.

By personal example, teach your child to build a dialogue honestly and in an adult way, to treat words, agreements, and rules responsibly . Analyze - manipulation of which feelings works most “effectively” with you - feelings of guilt, fear, etc….

It's important to understand why this happens , this understanding will allow you to become more resistant to manipulation.

Either way, remember that you don't have to be a perfect parent! No one is perfect, including you, and this is not a reason to break the rules and behave with you as you please... published.

Any questions left - ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness, we are changing the world together! © econet

There are several ways a teenager can emotionally influence adults, and parents often follow the lead of their growing child. However, it is not difficult to recognize these manipulations and stop them at the very beginning, without leading the situation to conflict.

Since the purpose of manipulation is to evoke certain feelings, it is on them that attention should be focused. Most often, in an attempt to defend their independence, adolescents seek to arouse fear, shame, anger, guilt or helplessness in their parents by directing a stream of negative emotions towards them. How does this happen?

Fear

Natural fear for the life and safety of your child is the strongest feeling that in most cases a teenager uses to achieve his goals. Indeed, such statements of a child as “I will leave home”, “”, “I will throw myself under a car”, “I will steal and go to jail”, etc., logically should have an effect on anyone adequate parent. And in most cases it works.

Shame

The desire to cause shame in parents is nothing more than a fairly common manipulation, expressed in the following claims: “In our class, everyone is allowed - only I’m not allowed”; “Look, the neighbors’ children hang out as much as they want, but I, like a little kid, have to be home at nine in the evening”; “Normal parents understand their children.” There are many options here, but they are all aimed at convincing adults that they bad parents, and force them to make concessions.

Anger

Typically, anger is a short-term feeling that quickly passes after the source of irritation is eliminated. The psyche is not able to withstand this powerful negative for long, and a person is ready to do anything to get rid of it. Teenagers also use this manipulation tool very often: they begin to persistently and tediously pester their parents with their demands, and the adults eventually give up. It’s not for nothing that they say that a drop wears away a stone, and manipulators know this very well.

Guilt

Often teenagers get their way by forcing their parents to experience. There can be many reasons for this: insufficient material security; workload, due to which little time is devoted to the child; parental divorce; non-prestigious school and much more. But all these accusations contain the same message: if you are guilty, correct yourself. And parents, feeling guilty towards their child, try to “correct”: they take out expensive gadgets on credit; they allow the teenager to visit nightclubs and spend the night with friends, etc. In a word, they make any concessions so as not to feel guilty.

The result of all these artificially caused feelings is the helplessness of parents in front of the teenager. This is exactly what the manipulator is trying to achieve: to cause in parents a state of powerlessness and the realization that they can no longer influence their child.

How to resist teenage manipulation

First of all, you need to understand the mechanism of manipulation and distinguish it from a regular emotional outburst. It’s one thing when a child says offensive words to his parents in his heart, but after a while, having cooled down, he apologizes for his rudeness. It’s completely different when a teenager is deliberately rude in pursuit of a specific goal.

It is necessary to control your emotions and not follow the manipulator’s lead. Calmly explain to your child that there are no ideal people, but this is not a reason for rudeness and irresponsible behavior. The teenager, seeing your calmness and equanimity in response to his rudeness and accusations, will understand that it is useless to manipulate you.

If you do not want your child to manipulate you, do not use similar methods in family communication. Remember that children copy the style and behavior of their parents.

Teach your child for your words and your behavior by personal example. If you yourself do not violate your obligations and agreements, then you have the right to demand the same from your teenager. When accepting family rules, agree that they cannot be ignored, but can be discussed and adjusted if necessary. When pushing the boundaries of a teenager’s personal freedom, do not forget to remind him of responsibility. The behavior of adults should not create problems for loved ones.

Having understood the reasons for the occurrence of teenage manipulations and the mechanism of their influence, you will be able to exclude them from your communication with your child and maintain the warmth, trust and mutual respect that existed between you before.

Svetlana Zharkova

What comes first: the dog or its tail? The question is not from the realm of existence, but about the authority of parents over children. Has your child ever twisted ropes out of you? Or maybe you just didn’t recognize your child’s tactics? How to stop the “tail” from trying to wag the whole “dog” or what to do if a child manipulates his parents?

Diaper handlers

Every child is wise! He may be naive, but the fact that he is an excellent psychologist is obvious! Children have a wonderful sense of their parents, and they are especially good at “understanding” their mother. How else? For nine months the baby was part of her, and at the cellular level he was “imbued” with both her fears and boundless love. Therefore, he knows how to manipulate his mother wonderfully! What is psychological manipulation in the family?

Manipulation is the tactic of one person influencing others for their own selfish interests, and this tactic is usually implicit and hidden.

Often, every parent, at least occasionally, uses this tactic in relation to children:
“Do you want me to buy you ice cream? Then behave well in kindergarten!”
“Do you want to play on the computer? Do your homework!"

Is it bad to be a manipulator? In everyday life, people are more likely to encounter negative manipulation, which is why “manipulation” is often identified with deception, forcing a person to make a decision that is unfavorable to him. A skilled manipulator, as a rule, acts in such a way that his manipulations are perceived positively, or are carefully hidden and the “victim” does not even realize that he is acting in the interests of another person. In relation to a child, this is sometimes necessary on the part of the parents, but when everything happens the other way around, it is wrong.

“Of course, children are not born manipulators, but they are carefully “molded” and created from ordinary children, literally leading them by the hand into the manipulative world of modern humanity,” argues Shostrom Everett in his book “The Manipulator: An Inner Journey from Manipulation to Actualization.” . - Children receive their first lessons, naturally, from their parents, who are a ready-made product of our manipulative society; children are still semi-finished products.”

Manipulation does not give its object the opportunity to choose. The choice offered by the manipulator is always a win for him and a loser for the one to whom the tactic is applied. Therefore, mutually beneficial cooperation is always preferable to manipulation. But the child’s psyche is not yet ready to do this; children usually choose open tactics of manipulating their parents.

Dictator or wimp?

Hysterics, tears, extortion, aggression or apparent helplessness are the most common tools for children to manipulate their parents.

Evgenia, mother of nine-year-old Gleb, shares: “My son always gets what he wants from me. He knows how to catch the right moment, set up the situation in such a way that it benefits him. Throw a tantrum in public place? Easily. After all, he knows that I am ashamed to be a greedy and evil mother in the eyes of others. I understand that I’m following his lead, but I can’t do anything.”

Shostrom offers the following classification of types of child manipulators:

"Little Slobber" - such a child behaves like a helpless, weak and unloved creature. He always feels bad, cannot do basic things on his own, forcing his parents to perform responsibilities for him. His weapons are tears and weakness. Such a child is not lazy, no! He's cunning. This is a little fox who quickly learned that “diseases” and complaints can work wonders: the mother, being sorry, will do everything herself.

"Little Dictator" : Unlike the first type, this type does everything differently. Adults “toe the line,” because if something doesn’t suit such a child, he gets his way by stomping his feet, grumbling, getting angry, and offended.

"Tricky Freddy" . This is how the psychologist called the type of manipulative child, who in some ways is close to the “slobber.” The sly man understood from birth that tears are what give adults the attention. He is loved and pitied as soon as the first tears sparkle in his crafty eyes.

"Cool Tom" , - is not a fan of crying, instead of tears he has another tool - a tough temper. Such a child pushes and bullies, calls names and fights. WITH early age he realized that hatred and fear are what make people submissive. A very tiny “Tom” can be easily identified by his preferences: not soft bears and blocks, but pistols and knives – these are his favorite toys. Such a child does not recognize authorities, and he has a hard time at school, as does those around him.

"Karl the Victorious" - this is a special type of small manipulators, combining both “Fredy” and “Tom”. Often these children are the youngest in the family, forced to always live in some kind of competition: to succeed at all costs and prove their “adulthood”.

Of course, this division is very arbitrary, but take a closer look at your child: does he remind you of anyone? Or maybe you don’t know how to recognize manipulation?

Manipulative or needy?

How to understand that this is manipulation and not a need for attention?

In which families are children more likely to manipulate adults? As a rule, in those where dad and mom are unsure of themselves, they constantly ask themselves the questions “Am I a good parent?”, “Am I doing everything right?” If parents constantly feel guilty towards their children, this creates the conditions for inconsistent parental behavior. Yes, yes, not only children, but also their fathers and mothers should behave correctly! Otherwise, the child has the opportunity to play on parental feelings.

When the situation of a child’s behavior becomes systematic, and not only the trick itself is repeated, but also the child’s facial expressions and gestures, but as soon as he gets what he wants, the behavior returns to normal - manipulation is obvious.
When does a child try to manipulate his parents consciously? Usually after one and a half years, when the baby begins to realize himself as an individual.

From one and a half to three years – the most dangerous period, into which manipulators are formed.

Kids are especially empathic and intuitively sense the emotional state of loved ones.
Children's manipulation may vary depending on the age of the child. So, a baby manipulates crying (it’s not always the sobs of a baby - this is a desire to eat and a signal of pain), and a preschooler rolls on the floor or pretends to be sick; children school age can act cunningly, and soon the manipulations change into blackmail, simulation or flattery. By the way, more mothers fall for flattery than fathers, and the situation with the fox and the crow is repeated again and again.

Valentina, mother of thirteen-year-old Erika, says: “Erika has always been an affectionate girl, but soon a cunning was added to her affection, which I did not immediately recognize. She started from afar: she sat next to me, hugged me, started a conversation about how much she loved me. “You know, mom,” she said once, “Ksyusha and Olya’s parents give money for straight A’s.” I also began to encourage her with small amounts. Soon the daughter began to extort a new phone, citing the fact that Olya was bought for winning the Olympics. And when Erica won the intra-school stage, I bought a phone. And then the demands became higher - a fur coat, a computer... Although she studies well and without gifts”

Children's manipulation is dangerous not even because parents follow the child's lead, but because it is a serious attitude towards the future, turning into a habit, manipulation of parents will develop into manipulation of big amount people and become a way of life. It is difficult for such people to build trusting relationships, to look for friends and love. And the slightest “failure” in a well-thought-out system can cause serious mental trauma to an adult manipulator, even to the point of psychopathy.

How to return the “dog’s” right to wag its “tail”?

How to free a child from the desire to continue to manipulate loved ones? First of all, you need to forget about pity! This does not mean that you need to become indifferent or cruel! Replace feelings of pity with love and understanding. And then - with each type of manipulator it is worth choosing a special line of behavior and sticking to it, maintaining patience and not crossing the line of pity.

If a “Little Slobber” has settled in the house, and his helplessness and slowness again and again force his mother to pull on his tights and lace his shoes because the child’s “hands hurt” or he wants to sleep, you need to set clear time limits. You can use a counter manipulation: “If you don’t have time to do this, we won’t go for a walk!” If, by “digging”, a child is delaying time in the hope of not going to kindergarten, he needs to be made clear: he will still go to kindergarten! Even if he's late. It is especially important here that the child understands: parents will not go back on their word. When dad said that he would not allow him to play the PlayStation if the toys in the room were not removed in half an hour - that means neither plaintive requests, nor tears - nothing on the part of the manipulator should make the parent’s heart tremble.

You should do the same with “Sly Freddy” and react calmly to hysterics. Do not forget that in this case, hysteria is not a manifestation of resentment, but a theater in which the audience is dad and mom. Deprive the actor of the “public”, and he will quickly calm down, and later, when he understands that tears do not fulfill his wishes, he will stop wasting energy on hysterics. But be careful: the “Sly” may change tactics!

The “little dictator” can be put in his place by showing that the rules of behavior developed by the parents exceed his requirements. And it’s useful to explain to “Cool Tom” that his anger and aggression do not scare you. Encourage your child if he speaks about his demands directly, without veiling them into complex psychological tactics. But calmly explain why this request cannot be fulfilled now.

Sometimes children hurt themselves trying to draw their parents' attention to their demands. Thus, children often hit their heads against walls or the floor and bite themselves. Some people deliberately induce vomiting by sticking their fingers deep into their mouths.

Galina, grandmother of three-year-old Seryozha: “When my grandson was brought to visit me, I wondered why the bruises on his forehead never went away. She sinned that his parents looked after him poorly, but they assured him that this is how Seryozha manipulates them! What manipulations, he's a baby! But one day, I forced the baby to go to bed, turning off the cartoons, Seryozha began to hit his forehead on the floor! I was very scared and confused.”

What to do so that the child does not injure himself, but also not to follow his lead? The main thing is to remain calm and calm. Hitting your forehead on the floor? Offer him a pillow. Seeing that the mother indulges his desire to hurt himself, most likely the child will simply stop beating himself. If the “fight” continues, hold the child close to you, calm him down, and then continue doing what you wanted, without satisfying the demands of your “fighter”. It is clear that when the “tail” hurts, the “dog” also hurts, but here it is better to “endure it.”

There is quite a lot of advice on how to stop children's attempts at manipulation. But following them blindly is dangerous. Do not forget that a child is an individual, and radically changing his character is wrong. And sometimes manipulation can cause a lack of parental attention. A child sometimes manipulates his parents only because their love is not enough for him.

• Don't lose your composure.
• Try to say “you must” less often and make the child want to say: “I will do it.”
• Do not fall for provocations, even if the grown-up manipulator blackmails you by leaving home or suing.
• Make your own manipulations hidden; the child should not feel that he is being manipulated by his parents, otherwise the roles will soon have to change.
• Never show that you love other children in the family more than the little manipulator. Don't compare: “He behaves better than you.”
• Teach your child to be friendly!
• Spend more time with your child, but remember that it is not quantity that is important here, but quality: even if it’s only half an hour of spending time together, it should be memorable.
• And remember that even the most capricious child should feel your love.

“I believe,” E. Shostrom expresses the opinion, “that as an analogue to mutual manipulation, which both children and parents resort to with equally variable success, it is worth developing a new philosophy of discipline.”

Being parents isn't easy. Don’t forget that you and your children are, in a certain way, the same age: the parent’s “experience” began to develop simultaneously with the birth of the child. Therefore, it is necessary to support each other, understand, and “grow together.”

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