As far back as I can remember, my father has always been an example for me. Even on those who grow up without a father, his influence is great - in the sense that it is easy to notice when a man was raised by his mother alone. Therefore, the death of a father is a great grief and great pain for any man. This is a great sorrow. For many, this is a loss of loss. This grief is different from any other, and can only be understood by a man who has lost his father. It is difficult to recover from this event. It contains several difficult aspects at once.

Vulnerability

When a father dies, we often lose even more than a loved one. We sincerely cannot understand why the world did not stop after this tragic event. Sons take the death of their father very hard, and when the world does not share this grief, it makes them feel lonely, cut off from a world that does not understand them. Many men feel like an orphan, even though their mother is alive, because they feel universal loneliness. This feeling of vulnerability stems from the fact that for many of us, the father is a symbol of stability and order in the world. We always know that we can count on our father in any situation: he will help, he will give advice, even when the whole world turns its back on us. When the father is no more, the son does not know who to turn to for help; he feels scared and vulnerable. This is true even for men who have had a bad relationship with their father. Yes, my father might not have been a protector and breadwinner, but we still feel lonely: somewhere in the subconscious we believed that father could still fix the matter.

Awareness of mortality

Our culture prefers to ignore the fact of human mortality, to avoid this topic in every possible way. However, when a man loses his father, he can no longer ignore the fact that human life is finite; he clearly understands that we will all die one day. This awareness can touch us at any moment when we face death, and it manifests itself especially powerfully with the death of the father. This is because many men see their father as part of themselves; some of them themselves die with their father. The son knows that he will never (at least during his lifetime, for sure) never see his father, and when he himself dies, it will simply be the end. Many may argue that death is an objective fact, why does the loss of a particular person make him so frightening? The problem is the illusion of control. We men are used to thinking that we are in control of our own destiny, that we are in charge here. In many cases, this is true, but death is a very special matter: here we really have no power to dispose. We lose this illusion of control, there is simply no place for it in our lives: no matter how well we know how to control ourselves and solve problems, we cannot raise our father from the dead. Therefore, the son grieves not only for his father, but also for the understanding of his own powerlessness, which he acquired.

There is no one else to listen to us

We are used to the fact that our father was always there. He saw all our achievements, he helped, he encouraged, he gave advice. The son does a lot for the sake of fatherly approval, and the father is one of the few people for whose approval is worth the effort. We can proudly bring home excellent grades and show the diary to our father, this dynamic can be traced in adulthood: we boast about our achievements at the university, at work, in the family. When a father dies, there is no one else to tell about it. There is no one to listen to us. For sons who are already parents themselves, it is also sad because they cannot tell their proud grandfather about the successes of their children, they cannot ask advice about raising children. We miss a father whenever we need advice or human input. For a man who had never been particularly close to his father, this loss was felt much earlier, long before his father's death: he tried in vain to win his approval. And now, with his death, this loss has doubled: the son realizes that he can never show his father what he is capable of.

Take on a new role

For many men, inheritance means, first of all, not property, but responsibility. Regardless of age, after the death of their father, men feel that they have suddenly and strongly matured. The death of the father leaves a vacuum in the family, and the sons feel that now they need to fulfill their fatherly role, to replace him. This is especially true if the father was the head and protector of the family. Sons feel pressure on themselves, they are afraid not to cope with this task. If the mom is still alive, the son will focus on caring for her. And thanks to this, he will grow, and the family will unite, relatives will become closer to each other in order to somehow establish life in new conditions. However, this is not always the case. The opposite may also happen: other family members will resist the son's desire to take on the role of head of the family; brothers and sisters may even fight for this role. In the worst case, the death of the father can lead to the complete disintegration of the family: he kept them together, and now there is no one else to do it. For men whose father hasn't played an important role in their lives, the thought of taking his place seems daunting. They do not want to fulfill his duties; on the contrary: they want to change the order of things, so as not to be like a father in the future.

Long shadow

As a boy grows up, he learns from his father a variety of skills and life lessons. He quickly realizes that it is better to do everything like a father, because he knows more, he has more experience, and disobedience, as a rule, turns out worse for you. Sons crave the approval of their fathers and live for praise. This desire for paternal approval and suffering from disapproval spills over into adulthood and continues even after the paternal death. Sons often feel the presence of their father when they do what their father taught them; visit places that they used to visit with their father; use their things. For many men, such memories mean a bond with their father even after his death. However, it can be difficult for sons to do something differently than their father: they seem to feel his disapproval. They often ask themselves the question: "Would my father be proud of me?" Father's long shadow affects our lives even after his death.

Paternal heritage

When a man grieves for his father, he certainly goes through a phase of accepting his father's heritage. We often look at the life of our father and grandfather to assess how their views and values \u200b\u200baffected us. Some sons look back at their father's character and values \u200b\u200bwith admiration and a desire to follow them in their own lives. Others look around and see guilt, mistakes, failures - everything that they themselves would like to avoid. As a rule, we are looking for some good qualities that we could embody in our own life. For a son who has already become a father himself, the analysis of his father's legacy is especially important: he feels himself to be the middle link through which the past is held together with the future - one day he will pass this legacy on to his own children. For many men, the death of a father serves as an impetus to strengthen relationships with their own children, and a desire to be the pride of their children is strengthened in them.

This is not really a practical guide to how to behave in the event of a father's death. There are no instructions here. This post aims to show all aspects and stages of accepting this grief; show how difficult it is to deal with it. Only time can heal wounds. One thing is clear: after the death of your father comes the desire to live life so that people can call you a worthy son of your father; so that you yourself can proudly declare it. Two things are important in accepting this grief. First, you have to fight. It may seem strange, but grief can only be overcome by fighting it. It will strengthen you. Secondly, you need to talk about it. Grief needs support. Be strong and be strong, bro.

Light a candle in the cemetery
Let it burn to the ground.
And I'll whisper at the grave
Well, daddy has come!
In a land cold and damp
Probably freezing?
Get up! Let's go home already!
After all, you miss us as well!
And stop calling home
There's a deaf hole in the ground.
I want to hug you so much
Also Brother and Mom.
Well come back! Wake up!
Watch the sun shine!
I will help to get up from there,
Just let me know!
Tell me it's a joke
And we will laugh together.
And by the hands, as in childhood,
let's go home !!

Again longing squeezes tightly paws
Digging claws into the depths of my soul,
I miss my dad more and more ...
Six billion people on earth
But among them - not one, believe me,
Who could fill this void ...
I live in the hope of meeting after death
At Eternity, crossing the threshold ...
Fatigue accumulates more and more ...
Let the melancholy keep its paws
I stayed there as a baby somewhere,
And daughters love dads more ...

Yes, I'm an adult, I understand everything
but it's not easier to live from it!
I miss you madly anyway!
Continuing to love all the same!
Continuing to think about daddy
And remember about him, about the living.
Touching the heart strings
That it will never be lifted.
That you will never hear him
That he will never wait.
He's probably higher than all the clouds,
In the unknown space of God ...
He sees us, of course he sees,
And like us, she just misses.
He flies after us like an angel,
That would be even a little closer to us.
He would certainly like to return,
But he will never be able to
He won't wake up in this world
Nothing will warm his heart.
And it only hurts more
But it is impossible not to think about it.
Every day it's harder on my soul
And it's hard to come to terms, daddy.
And damn time does not heal
And does not tighten these wounds,
And inside the emptiness cannot be filled,
I'm tired of fighting myself!
I want to spit on everything, forget ...
And return home with a smile.
There to see happy faces
And what would daddy be alive again ...

He was with me. Always and everywhere
Laughing, crying and sad.
I will not forget the bottomless eyes.
And I know - he loved me.
I know no matter what happens
He always protected me
And only memory remains for me
About him. And I blame myself
I couldn't say goodbye
What I didn't have time to understand
That I was destined to part with him,
To lose him forever.
I know for sure, I deserve it.
I couldn't save it.
But she loved madly
And I will always love.
Let him not hear me now,
But I know what he sees
How hard it breathes without it
The one who called him father ..

Days come, nights go ...
And the heart cries and calls.
You know ... somewhere very close
All the time ... daughter is waiting for you ...
And daughter ... she keeps her name in her heart ...
Keeping like a talisman in my chest ...
And whispers softly (suddenly you hear):
"I miss so much... Come ..."
And you will come, hearing as if ...
And you will protect the dream ...
And how the fog melts in the morning ...
And the daughter ... will be waiting again.
And they will float after the days of the night ...
The longing cannot be pulled out of the chest ...
Daughter whispers everything ... very quietly:
"I miss so much... Come ...

When the stars light up in the sky
One of them is yours, I know it ...
For many years you have been shining a bright light
And here everything is the same, then winter ... that summer.
The same day and the same way to live ... people strive.
Tired of tears, your family lives ...
everything is as usual, but that's just without you.
Tell me how you live there in heaven?
Is there anger, envy and lies there?
This probably doesn't happen there,
and no one knows cunning and meanness.
You found peace there and found yourself a shelter,
and you know, here they are waiting for you as before ...
Let them say that years heal, pain erase
But what does the heart ache, there is no strength,
from one look at your portrait.
Oh, how short was your earthly age,
My very best dad, my closest person.

Time does not heal, time is sparing
But my heart still hurts as before.
I won't meet again, I won't hear you
How are you, my dear daughter?

Unfortunately, all of us are not given
To turn back what I wanted for a long time.
Time does not heal, time is in a hurry
It is it who decides all the destinies.

We are sorry for you, which did not have time.
Everything you wanted in this life.
Passed by, but alas not to return.
I chose the path with the angel on the way.

Today is 10 years since my dad passed away ...
10 years you are gone ... 10 years ...
10 years is an eternity ...
10 years without you ... 10 years ...
Only now I understand - forever ...
How is it, dad, dear dear
Forever you left without saying goodbye
10 years, 10 years ...
I have been suffocating for 10 years without you ...
Daddy, honey, watch how we grew up -
children and grandchildren!
How we want to snuggle to our chest
and forget about parting forever ...
But now I'm only going to the grave
and I close my eyes tiredly ...
10 years for great trouble
10 years - to forget is not enough….

Well hello dad. .. here, I came to you early.
Forgive me not seeing you for a long time.
I'm so confused, I don't know how to live on.
Trouble comes after trouble again.

Do you remember, dad, how we celebrated birthdays ?!
How, together rejoicing, they joked merrily.
How, all the bad weather seemed to us an obsession.
How, together to hell they sent TU to attack.

Your advice, how come in handy -
That I was the strongest in this world.
Believe me, I learned from them like from the alphabet.
I was able to use them to teach my children.

Also, you, dad, taught me not to cry.
Do not give in to your fate for anything.
And if it's hard, you never have to fall.
And in this life, do not be afraid of anything.

Ehhh. .. if only I knew how much I miss you!
A tear fell! (I promised without tears).
From the heart to the ground, flowing through the soul.
To you, my dear, through the chamomile churchyard

The wind blows through the windows. dries wet eyelashes.
How we miss you! forget on your shoulder
Irrecoverable loss. as if they broke my soul ...
I still don’t believe that you are somewhere in the stardust.
In the heart of the pain of memories. and lilac shadows
In indifference to touch, I lie on my knees.
The wind blows through the windows. it flies from you.
And you are not enough in this world ... not enough ...

How hard it is
Losing loved ones.
Nothing can replace
Parental roots.
When my dad died
It was so hard! And the pain in my soul remained
Though many years have passed.
He rarely comes in dreams,
But in my thoughts I see
His portrait is distant.
The earth keeps him, his soul flies
In the distant skies
He's watching me
With love and tears.
Sometimes so lacking
His support to me, And my heart knows:
He is in paradise, not in the fire.
So I want to snuggle
TO HIS BREAST big
And enjoy the meeting.
As in childhood, with all my heart! Hear his voice
Affectionate, dear,
Both stern and angry,
Parental like that.
How precious are the moments
All our lovely meetings, and these meetings can
Kindle the fire of the soul.
This fire will help
Will give strength to life for me.
Father! Come to the meeting
At least in my dream!

You are now beyond the heavenly line
My beloved, dear person
Death by a ruthless, hard hand
Took you away, daddy forever

You won't give me any advice
I won't see your loving look
I will not be warmed by you
Who is to blame for your death?

No! None! It just happened
You are in God's arms now
My life has changed without you
The heart became like a wounded beast ...

It beats differently without you
And sadness tears him to pieces
My heart yearns and cries
The soul is gripped tightly ...

I won't break your peace with a tear
I will live as a bright memory
I learned to listen to silence
And to love you endlessly ...

Hello, dad, dear ... how are you there? ..
The most loving man in the world ..
You know, if you count the years
You used to have wrinkles ...

I would kiss them jokingly
Or ached in the sleeve when bad.
You would whisper that the years fly by
Only I'm still such a fool ...

You completely stopped dreaming for me.
If you don't come, tell me, is it necessary?
Give me a message with a shower - how are you there? .. -
I will be desperately glad to her.

I'll tell you how I live
What I am writing, with whom I do not expect to meet again ...
And that I can hardly keep afloat
All hoping that time will heal.

And it ticks regularly to the beat
It sews seams for a long time - not for the weak.
You know, if you count the years ...
The gray hair would suit you very much ...

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When a parent, father or mother dies, this event cannot but leave a deep mark. In this article, I’ll talk about how to cope with the death of a father. When you first learn about the death of a father, especially about an unexpected death, which is not preceded by illness, you feel shock or even nothing. If you have to do a funeral and organize everything, then you can stay in this insensibility until the funeral, because business distracts you.

Then you may feel very great grief and loss that seems impossible to survive. Try not to restrain your feelings, cry if you want. It is important to let the feeling of grief come out freely. You will remember a lot about your father, about the episodes of your childhood when he supported you and understood you.

During this period, it is also normal to feel angry at other people or at your father for the fact that he died, or for what he did wrong to you. Do not scold yourself for these feelings, they are completely normal, because now you are remembering everything connected with your father.

You may feel strong guilt for not being attentive to your father in the last years of his life, for not sending him to the doctor, that you had little contact with him. These feelings are also normal. It is normal to even see the ghost of the deceased - such a reaction occurs in many people immediately after death, you should not be afraid of it.

Maybe you want to fulfill some dream of the deceased or become what he always wanted to see you. Or you may want to leave in the same places all the things that he used, as if he will soon enter the room and take them in his hands. In the early days after the death of your father, this reaction is normal, but keep in mind that if it lasts for more than a year, it means that you need help in dealing with this loss.

If guilt, anger, or other strong feelings persist in you several years after your father's death, or if you have recently experienced another bereavement, then you should seek help because you have complicated grief that is difficult to deal with on your own.

Don't hold on to grief, because when you stop grieving, it doesn't mean that you will forget your father or stop loving him. He will remain in your heart, you will remember him at especially important moments in your life, you will mentally ask his advice if you did this during his lifetime. In general, you will have some kind of relationship with him, but they will no longer be with a real person, but with an image. The point of the grief period is precisely to rebuild the relationship and mourn the loss of the relationship you had.

If you are asking “how to cope with the death of your father” in the hope that you will get the advice of a psychologist how to quickly stop grieving and feeling pain, but you should know that there is no way to get over the pain of loss quickly. Suppressing grief is costly because that pain will not go away in a year or two, but will live inside for many years, awakening every time death or father-child relationship is mentioned.

So, how to survive the death of your father:

1. Cry, talk to someone who knew him, talk to someone about your relationship with him and how you feel about his death.

2. Do not suppress your feelings: there are many feelings that awaken after the death of a loved one, and they are all normal.

3. If you are experiencing not a fleeting, but a very intrusive and constant feeling of guilt or anger, seek help from a psychologist, because your grief is complicated, and it may not go away with time.

4. Listen to your motives and impulses, they will help you cope with the death of your father.

5. Read books about grief, artistic and psychological - the more you think about the topic, the better you will experience grief.

I am to blame for the death of my 87-year-old father, who, being 11 years blind, and later deaf, felt lonely, hopeless, with an emptiness in his soul, committed suicide through suffocation. My fault is that when I left for work I could not provide him with the proper attention, and when I came home I was annoyed by his questions, not realizing how lonely he was without communication. Sometimes she could offend him morally. I deprived him of attention and care, and this all prompted him to commit suicide. He was tired of this life. I don’t know how can I live with this? Valentine.

Hello Valentine.

You ask how to live with the fact that you are to blame for the death of your father, as if it were a fact - that you are to blame. Apparently, he really felt very bad, since he committed suicide, and this is very sad and sad, it is a pity that he felt so bad, and no one knew about it, including you. Apparently, he did not say that he was so bad.

You took care of your father, and judging by your message, you were the only one who did it. Most likely, it was very difficult for you, hence the irritation. A person can share his energy and joy only if he himself has them, and not because he has to do it.

I do not know when your father died, whether it would have been recently or a long time ago. If recently, then you are experiencing grief, and it is typical for grief to look for the guilty ones, including yourself. But that doesn't mean you are actually to blame for your father's death. You didn’t know that he would commit suicide, you didn’t know that he was so bad and so badly lacking in communication, and it was not easy for you either. You also needed someone's care and understanding that you need to rest after work, to replace you for some time in caring for your father. It was only in hindsight that you realized what he was missing and how bad it was, but then you did not know this, and you could not know if he did not talk about it.

The child's father died - what to do, how to explain to the child about death and how to comfort him? Not always, looking at the baby, you can understand what he feels and how hard he is going through the loss. Some children may cry, some may express emotions through words, some even change their behavior and psychological state. How to be an adult, how to behave in this situation, so that the child can bear the loss as easily as possible.

Moral aspect

When communicating this news to your child, it is very important to be frank and by no means dry in your emotions. You need to show with your intonation that his reaction is important to you and that you yourself are very upset. If the child has any questions, you need to answer them as honestly as possible. Of course, all traumatic details should be omitted. This is especially important if the death was sudden or violent.

It is important not to discourage the child from experiencing emotions. The right thing to do is to show sympathy and say that you, too, miss your dad very much and that you are also very hurt and bitter.

Often times, children start to worry about their safety or yours and ask when you or he will die. In this case, it is very important to make it clear that nothing will happen to him and to you, that you care about your health and safety, that he is the most important thing in your life, therefore, both you and he will die only in deep old age.

From my own experience, from practice, I know that it is very difficult to be close to a child who is going through the death of a loved one. But what is it like for a child himself if it is difficult for an adult.

A child, experiencing the death of a parent, comes into contact with his own insecurity. And the feelings that a child experiences can be different: at the initial stage, a person does not believe that an irreparable thing has happened, it is impossible to believe it.

When an understanding of what has happened comes, the child may experience mixed feelings: fear of death, a feeling of abandonment, anger.
The death of a loved one can be perceived as a betrayal in relation to himself, and at the same time, the child can consider himself guilty for the death of the parent; and also experience the fear of losing the other parent.

And it is difficult for a child to cope with these conflicting feelings. Tell the grieving child, “What is happening to you is normal. This is the case with anyone who is grieving. ” Don't hide your tears or hide your sadness.

Share your bitter feelings with your child, because children do not yet have experience of grief, and the child simply does not know how to express their pain. Talk to him about your father, draw, look at photographs. Having positive memories of the deceased loved one will help the child accept the fact of loss and find a place in his heart for the memory of the deceased.

• Allow your child to show any emotion, including tears.
• Let him cry. Don't be afraid of a child's tears.
• Tears make it possible to burn off ...
• Don't be afraid of the intensity of childhood experiences.
• Just be there, physical contact is very important for the child.
• “I am with you, I am near. Do you want to talk about it? "

Acute emotional outbursts lasting many months are normal. This is the case with anyone who experiences loss.
Grief includes many different feelings - anger, sadness, resentment, guilt, and even, ultimately, joy.

How do children of different ages experience grief?

As mentioned earlier, the perception of the death of a loved one largely depends on the age of the child. How is grieving after the death of parents expressed in toddlers, preschoolers and adolescents?

Children under two years old

During this period, the child, of course, is not aware of the loss of mom, dad, or both parents. However, he notes that those who care for him have changed emotionally. Feeling this, the child may become irritable, noisy, may refuse to eat. Urinary disorders and bowel disorders are possible.

Child at two years old

The child knows that if he does not see his parents, then he can call them - and they will come. At two years old, the baby still cannot understand what death is, so he continues to look for mom or dad for a long time. To support such a child, constant care is needed not only emotionally (love, warmth), but also physiologically (proper nutrition, sleep).

Children aged three to five

Children of this age need to try to explain very softly that mom or dad is dead and they will no longer be able to return. It is likely that the child may have a fear of the dark, the child may suddenly change his mood, cry, feel anger or melancholy.

It is possible that the baby will begin to complain to you about abdominal pains, headaches. You may also notice skin rashes or a return to the habit of thumb sucking. During this period, it will be useful to remember the bright moments spent with the deceased, as well as to preserve the traditions established by him.

If a child walked with his dad in the park every weekend - you should do this too, if in winter they went skiing - do not change this tradition.

Children aged six to eight

At this age, children often, and even more so at school, ask each other about their parents. You need to prepare your child for such questions. Advise him to answer simply, "My mom is dead."

Explain to your child that he is not obliged to tell the details of death or tell strangers about things that are personal to him. Some children during this period may not behave like their classmates: be more emotional and even break down on teachers.

Children aged nine to twelve

At this age, the child is already striving for independence. Only the death of a loved one does not untie the hands, but, on the contrary, can impose a feeling of helplessness. A child's experiences can be manifested in aggression against adults or elders, fights, poor academic performance. In addition, children of this age may have practical questions: "Who will bring to the training?", "Who will give pocket money?"

During this period, children can rethink their role in the family. For example, a boy who has lost his father may want to take his place. Adults should notice this and try to create all the conditions for the boy to have free time for games, so that he can study in sections and communicate with children of his age - in general, so that the child has a childhood.

Adults who are caring for a child should try to explain to him that it is good to enjoy life and enjoy it. And mom or dad will only be happy if their child is happy.

Teenagers

Perhaps the adolescent period is the most difficult for a child. And if it is at this time that the death of a loved one occurs, this can be fraught with bad consequences. In this case, the child may try to find help outside the home, among new, not the best friends who can offer him to forget with the help of drugs or alcohol.

Teenagers do not want to show their feelings, so some of them stubbornly continue to remain silent for a long time, but in their hearts they experience death so much that they have a desire to commit suicide. During this period, it is important to show the child that you love him, no matter what he is, that in any case, he can count on you and your support.

Consolation in religion

It is very important to adhere to certain religious beliefs. Such beliefs provide comfort. You can tell the news something like this: “I know that dad is with the angels and God now. I believe that he is looking at us now, we just do not see him and he cannot talk to us…. Nevertheless, he will hear us if we turn to him mentally or in prayers. He died, but he did not stop loving you. "

Various rituals (memorial service, funeral service, funeral) play an important role in the recovery process. They help to better understand reality and understand that the person actually no longer exists.

Nevertheless, if the child is afraid to see the deceased, then you need to explain to him that children do not need to be present at such rituals. You can come up with your own ritual and spend it with your child. For example, read a prayer together, send a balloon into the sky (imagining that it will reach the Pope), write a short letter, burn it, and scatter the ashes in the wind, etc.

Memories are very important. Some time after the loss, it will be useful to look through photos and videos, to remember dad. Good memories are one of the most important parts of the recovery process.

Of course, children will long for the deceased adult, but soon they will be able not to cry, remembering about him. They will remember their father with a smile if the recovery process is right. More about it is described in the literature on the psychological topic.

Funeral ceremony

Why should a child attend a funeral? Farewell to the deceased is one of the most important moments of the funeral ceremony. Tell your child that everyone will come to say goodbye to the deceased. At a funeral, the child (and other people) find themselves face to face with reality and truly aware of the fact of death. This is a very sad moment, and you shouldn't hide your grief.

Find comfort and endurance in faith. The church service will be conducted in accordance with your religious convictions, and this can mean faith in life after death. Many children feel calmer if they believe that their parent (the person himself or his soul) is in heaven.

Should young children attend funerals?

Most children over 6 years old must be at the ceremony. For children from 3 to 6 years old, a solution is necessary in each case. The child should not be forced to participate in the funeral, but he must be given a choice. The presence of the child is desirable, during this difficult time the family should be together, so that it would be easier to endure grief together in the future. At this time, everyone supports each other.

Preliminary preparation helps. It is helpful to research in advance what will happen during the church service and funeral. A family member, friend, priest, or funeral director can help you with this.

A goodbye gift? Ask the child if he would like to leave anything in the coffin - a drawing or a letter. This will allow the child to say goodbye to the deceased in a special way and feel like a real participant in the events taking place.

An alternative to a funeral. Most families have a normal funeral arrangement. If cremation is used, then this process must be explained to the child. You can, for example, say: “The body turns into soft ash in a very hot fire. This special ash is placed in a special urn. "

Reality through play. Play is an integral part of children's lives. It is natural for a child to pretend to be a funeral or to pretend to be sick and dying in a play situation. Don't worry when you see a game like this.

If you read this brochure after the funeral, you may feel that you did not do everything right. Don't worry, you have done everything in your power. Focus now on what's ahead.

Documentary issues

In the event of the death of the father, the child needs to apply for a survivor's pension. You need to apply for its registration to the Social Security or the Pension Fund.

If the parents are divorced, the child does not lose any rights to the father's inheritance. He is the heir of the first stage, along with other children, if any. It is impossible to deprive a minor child of a share in the inheritance, even if there is a will in which he is not mentioned.

If, for whatever reason, the child was not registered as the father, then the law makes it possible to establish paternity even after death.

When considering cases of this kind, the courts proceed from life circumstances, which in one way or another testify to the paternity of the deceased. These can be various letters or statements to the school or kindergarten, in which the father mentions the child, testimony of witnesses (relatives or friends of the deceased), etc.

When considering such cases, it is very important not to confuse the concept of the actual father and the person who participated in raising the child. Sometimes they can be different people.

When someone close to you dies, the feeling of loss can overwhelm you completely. There is no one who is easy to let go. Therefore, when a father dies, it may seem that it is impossible to survive this loss. Is this a normal reaction to grief? How to deal with your feelings? How to survive the death of your father?

To acknowledge and mourn the loss

Very often, the first feeling that comes after the news of the death of a loved one is disbelief. Death is not a natural event, so what happened seems impossible. It may seem that by disagreeing with this, you can avoid worry. Therefore, denial or disbelief is normal. That is why there may be no tears right away or at a funeral.

However, after a certain time, awareness still comes, and this is always unexpected. Sometimes such feelings are said to be "overwhelming" or "cover completely, not giving the opportunity to think about something else." During this period, you need to give vent to feelings and mourn your loss.

You shouldn't let someone else decide if your grief reaction is normal. It may seem to some that a person is grieving too much or not enough. It is better to forgive and forget such opinions of others. Responding to grief is an individual concept, and no one can impose their own standards.

One way to release your feelings is to let your tears go. Although it may seem to someone that if a person restrains his feelings, it will be easier for him or that this is a sign of strength. In fact this is not true. A person cries not because he is weak, but because he is in pain. Tears are a natural reaction, the body is so arranged that together with tears, substances are released that calm the nervous system. Thus, tears really help to calm down. True, this does not apply to people whose crying turns into a hysterical state.

You can ease your worries by talking about your feelings. Can be stopped by fear of misunderstanding or unwillingness to upset others. But if everyone deals with grief alone, it will only make matters worse. After the death of dad, it will be easier for mom and children if they rally together. And for this you need to talk, including about experiences, fears and pain.

There is no need to compare yourself and family members, deciding who is worse and who grieves more. Bad for everyone, and trying to support each other is easier to cope with their feelings.

Chances are good that someone, because of severe pain, will say something that hurts feelings. It is worth remembering that now in this person his pain speaks. Most likely, in fact, he does not think so, he just feels like that at the moment.

There are situations when you can't talk about your feelings, or you just don't have anyone. Some people find that they feel a little better after expressing their feelings on paper. It can be a diary in which everything that worries is recorded, or letters to the deceased. One woman wrote letters to her son for over ten years. According to her, it helped her get over her grief.

Guilt

Regardless of what their relationship with dad was, family members lived far from each other or close, because of what he died and other factors, the feeling of guilt comes to everyone who had to lose loved ones. So our subconscious is trying to explain what happened. In my thoughts, it pops up: "if I persuaded him to go to the doctor ...", "if then we had not quarreled ..." and so on. This is part of the response to loss that you cannot accept. It is worth remembering that these feelings are not a real reason to look for the cause of what happened in your behavior.

Feelings of guilt are a symptom that appears regardless of the circumstances.

It must be remembered that no matter how much we love the deceased, we, unfortunately, cannot foresee everything and direct his every step. Missing anything imaginary or real does not mean at all that the father was not loved. Wishing someone death and not being able to foresee anything are two different things.

It is clear that no one had any desire to harm the father. Therefore, one should not consider oneself guilty for his death.

Feelings of guilt after the death of a father can be directed not only at oneself. Questions may arise for other family members. If you just scroll through them in your head, you can really believe in someone else's guilt, direct or indirect. If these thoughts haunt you, you should gently clarify during the conversation what the family member thinks about the matter. The main thing is to refrain from accusations.

The purpose of the conversation is not to find the culprit, but to get rid of thoughts that can deprive you of peace. If it seems that this conversation is indispensable, you need to choose your words very carefully. And do not be surprised to hear counter questions - most likely thoughts about someone's guilt arise in all family members.

In addition to feelings of guilt, there can be a sense of missed opportunities. How many things have not been said or done! Unfortunately, no one can be the perfect child for their father. This does not mean that dad was not loved enough. This means that all people are not perfect, and this must be recognized in relation to yourself.

How to live on

Immediately after a tragedy has occurred, it can seem that life has stopped. Most likely, problems with sleep and appetite will begin. You need to make a conscious effort to get back to your daily routine as soon as possible. If you can't get back to your usual routine, it makes sense to seek help from a psychologist.

It is not worth solving the problem with alcohol. Thus, problems simply accumulate, and their solution is postponed. It is more difficult to resolve issues at an advanced stage.

Making decisions

The father often has many responsibilities. But even if this is not the case, after his death, many serious decisions need to be made. These include questions such as:

• What to do with the belongings of the deceased and with everything that reminds of him?
• Does mom need to move to adult children?
• If the children are still too young to earn money, how can mom support the family? How can they help her?

Some believe that you need to immediately get rid of the belongings of the deceased, so that nothing raises the soul. However, many widows and children of the deceased later regret that they rushed with such a decision. Of course, at first, these things are likely to be painful and may be worth removing. But then, when the pain subsides a little, there may be a strong desire to touch something that was associated with the deceased. Therefore, it is worth leaving something to remember.

Another serious decision is the mother's moving to adult children. For children, this may seem like the only right decision that needs to be made as soon as possible. However, such a move is additional stress for mom. There is no need to rush her: it may be best for her to mourn her loss in the house where she lived with her husband.

It can be very difficult for a mother to be fully responsible for taking care of her children financially. Immediately after the incident, there may be a thought: "after the death of my husband, I no longer need anything." This is not selfishness, this is pain. But this is the situation when you need to think about the future of your children and yours. It is worth asking someone close to you to find out about possible benefits and payments in government institutions and at the place of work of the deceased. There is no need to refuse help.

Don't go to extremes. If, after the death of her husband, the mother goes to work headlong, the children may feel even more intense pain. Do not expect that after the redistribution of responsibilities, everything will work out right away. You need to give yourself and your family time to get used to such changes.

Patience towards yourself and others

The pain of loss often weighs on a person longer than he or she expected. Therefore, you need to be patient, not judging yourself or family members for suddenly surging emotions. From year to year, seemingly gone feelings can come back again and again. This is normal. Sometimes those who mourn the loss are thrown from one extreme to another: either you want to constantly talk about the deceased, or you don't want to remember so as not to hurt yourself.

Patience will be needed in relation to others. Most likely, many of them will feel uncomfortable and not know what to say. In such situations, people often say something out of place or tactless - not because they have malicious intent.

Some who have lost their father become frightened when the acute pain begins to subside. It may seem that love for him has waned. But this is not the case. Letting go of pain does not mean forgetting. It means focusing on the good things that have been and continuing to live. This is not a betrayal, but a gradual restoration of the nervous system.

Of course, right after the Pope dies, it may seem like relief will never come. But accepting and mourning the loss, taking the time to make big decisions, and patiently dealing with your emotions can make you feel better over time.

Irina, Pyatigorsk