I love, I want, I like my husband's friend . He wants me. What to do?

I have been married for about five years now. We lived just fine, we didn't know any troubles. Paul is a wonderful husband. And our children are very kind. We have two boys and two girls. Pavel has one friend, his name is also Pasha. I had heard about him for a long time, but somehow I did not have to see each other. And then, one wonderful day, my husband tells me that the same namesake, about whom he talked so much, will come to us for a few days. I was all impatient, I wanted to quickly look at that very elusive friend of my Paul. The husband always praised him very much. To such an extent that I did not believe that such men existed. Pasha's friend arrived early in the morning by train. He took a ticket in a compartment, because he really does not like reserved seats. He just loves comfort in everything. Of course, we provided the conditions for the dear guest in our apartment. He didn't seem to be complaining. And so I, like a little girl, fell in love with my husband's friend!

What a man he was! I almost lost my mind when I saw him. And I really regretted that my husband was completely different. It is, of course, a sin to say so, but at least honestly. My husband's friend is much prettier and more confident than my Pasha. At that moment I was so sorry that they could not be exchanged for each other. And I, because of my weakness, slept with Pasha, a friend of my husband. Yes, I did it. And ... got pregnant from him. But I won't tell him about the pregnancy. I want my husband to think that this is his child. He had dreamed of a son so much. Yes, and I really wanted a child. I really love my baby, you can't even imagine how! My son was born, thank God, a healthy and pretty baby. I know that I have sinned, so I often ask God for help. I hope he will forgive me.

The husband does not know about anything, and does not even know. I think that he will not guess, and it will be completely inappropriate. He loves little son Styopka very much, so I won't upset him. I'm a big liar. But I'm lying for good. Pasha is a wonderful dad. With him, my son feels like a man, strong and smart. Pasha's friend, who became the father of my child, went somewhere far away on a very long business trip. For him, I have feelings that can not be compared with anything, as a teenage girl, I am crazy about him. I am very glad that the child is from him. These thoughts warm me in those moments when it is hard for me. When Stepan grows up, I will definitely tell him who his real dad is. And now it’s too early, he still won’t understand. He is tiny at all, he is not up to adult problems now, he is only interested in toys. And sometimes, when my husband is not at home, I talk to my son, explain how and what happens in the lives of adults. And he only mumbles something in his own language at my words, he may smile. How good it is to be a small child! They don't have any problems.

I often think about Pasha, sometimes I worry more about him than about my husband. Of course I am doing wrong, but I will not hide it from him all my life. I will not abandon Pavel, but in my heart I dream of living with his namesake friend. More precisely, I already live, but only in dreams. Sometimes these dreams take me very far. And it's so hard to come back to reality.

It is very difficult to love and be silent. I want to shout about my love. I would like to tell Pasha that this child is from him. Sometimes I even dream that he would steal my son and me, secretly take away. I want a lot, but I don't get anything, I live like this with hopes and dreams and I don't see a way out. I should at least find out what is with him, how he is, and if he will suddenly come to our city someday. I want to look at him with one eye. To see and understand why I fell in love with this person so much, why I cannot live a day without thinking about him.

But he is not announced. And I'm afraid to ask my husband. Suddenly he will guess. We practically do not talk about Pasha with my husband. I don't even want to think about what he can do if he finds out. It is now important for me that he does not suspect me, and we do not scandal about this. I think that my son shouldn't hear how we fight. It's even very good that my husband is called by the same name as the beloved man. And then suddenly the "wrong" name will suddenly pop up. And it's scary to even think about how it might end up in the end. My husband is very jealous. He gets so bad with his jealousy. I want to run away from his getting jealousy. But there is nowhere to run, I sit and say nothing.

I think he will kill his friend if he finds out that he is the father of the child. I don't want this to happen. And I delay the moment of truth as long as possible. So far, it turns out. I’m sitting at home, but my husband is still jealous. I don't go anywhere at all! What is jealous ?! More precisely, to whom? To passers-by on the street? The funniest. But sometimes, when it comes to the point of absurdity, it no longer becomes funny.

When I got married, I knew that Pasha was so jealous. But until I met his friend, he seemed to me the dream of my whole life. Even my father says that everything in life is learned by comparison. And now I completely agree with him! I compared and realized that I do not love my husband at all, but love his friend.

A life! What is life? Just a word, but how much meaning is contained in it. And how little we can change something in it. And now is not the time to philosophize. And so I want to give out something so unusual and clever. Learning to go to graduate school, or something ... For now, I'll just dream. Maybe, probably ... All around one skepticism. But now I have completely different concerns. And these worries take away all my free time. I don't even sleep much already. I did not get enough sleep at all, even those around me noticed that I had circles under my eyes that appeared from lack of sleep. Again the question arises: where will I get the money for plastic surgery to become a beauty again? I need to ask Pasha if he can give me his savings.

I often surf the Internet, all the time looking for my son's dad, I think maybe I'll find it there. But I can't find it. He probably doesn't want to be found. And I keep trying. For what? Yes, for the sake of Styopka at least. Okay, I will not lie, of course, more to myself. I miss him so much. Only he occupies all my thoughts.

How tired of everything! I didn't take care of myself at all. As the mouse has become gray, it does not look like a woman at all. You need to start watching yourself! Why did I completely drop my hands? I hate myself already. And how can my husband stand me? And after all, I never heard a bad word from him in my direction. I am surprised at him. So, now I will take a cosmetic bag, I will open it. Damn, I can't find anything suitable in it, I close it, then I open it again and so on in a circle. I'm getting nervous. I want to find my own image, but I can't. He was lost somewhere. And the mirror doesn't help me at all. Oh, how neglected. It was necessary to take care of yourself constantly, and not only when she was dressing up somewhere. It’s strange that I hadn’t thought about it before.

My husband recently bought me a whole mountain of all kinds of cosmetics. I was so happy with her that I decided to please Pasha too. Eyes flickered with a variety of shadows and lipsticks. But I pulled myself together, then my eyes got used to this outrage. And I started to put a "marafet" on my face. When Pasha returned from work, he did not recognize me and was pleasantly shocked. He said that he was very proud that such a beauty lived with him. But you know, I myself understood and believed it! If you believe, then everything will be so! I knew before that I was pretty attractive. The figure only fails a little, I recovered after giving birth. But this is also fixable. Soon I will be a doll, you will not know.

I love one, but I live with another. I don't want to live in reality. I want to be in the clouds all the time. I had no choice but to come to terms with my present. And the son helps to unwind. It is a great joy for me that I have my beloved son. And he is glad that he has such a mother who loves him more than anything else. He still does not understand a lot, but the time will come, and he will find out the whole truth about mom and dad.

A conference on family therapy recently addressed the issue of paradoxical family communication. The idea is that in a family situations often arise when a husband or wife does not see the opportunity or the need to say something directly, and this generates a whole bundle of misunderstandings, unjustified expectations and further resentment. A typical example is which, I think, familiar to many -Husband (boyfriend, child) does something that the wife is offended. Perhaps he said something wrong, perhaps he forgot about his mother-in-law's birthday, perhaps he did not pay attention to the cleaning or the hairstyle, which was done just for him. There are many options, but the result is the same - the Wife (beloved, girlfriend, etc.) is offended. And very often in case of offense, to resolve this situation, women choose the option of removal - they do not express their accusations and discontent, they harbor resentment inside and emotionally withdraw from their men (do not speak, answer in monosyllables and are displeased, can go to another room, and in the worst case, go to sleep on another sofa). At the same time, all these actions of a woman have only one purpose - that the man would come up to her, talk, ask and listen to everything, and the MAIN thing - reassured. That is, the wife is offended, she begins to worry about the future of relations with her husband, and needs that if he removed this anxiety - he explained that she did not understand everything, or that this will not happen again, or that there were objective reasons for his action. But usually, a man does not understand what happened, what he is actually to blame. Moreover, a man usually does not even know that he is to blame, and not the weather, work or women's days. Moreover, to the questions "What happened?" He gets the answer "Nothing." "All is well? - Good." (This is what the paradoxical family communication is all about - family members insist that they feel good when they feel bad and they want everyone to understand HOW they feel bad and calm them down.) The whole outburst of conflict usually unfolds in bed before going to bed. The woman was tormented all evening, her resentment grew and doubts about the correctness of the man's choice - too. Since he turns out to be not only offending, he is also callous and cold. It is with these characteristics that a woman explains why a man does not go to put up with her. “He harasses me on purpose! He doesn't give a damn about my feelings! " The woman expects that at last, before going to bed, they will talk to her, calm her down. She waits. The man feels the tension of his wife, and usually before going to bed he makes another attempt to find out what is the matter. However, the wife's resentment has already grown so much that this does not allow her to “surrender” so quickly, she believes that “if she loves, she will make an effort to make peace”. And if he tries only once, then he does it for the sake of appearance, but in fact he did not understand anything, and does not love her. Therefore, to the first attempt of a man to make peace, his wife replies “Leave me alone! It's okay! or - you tell me what happened. Nothing happened. ”Then, the man thinks that since nothing has happened, but there is tension, then he suggests using a very effective, in his opinion, way to relieve tension - to make love. Rarely does a man voice this, he begins to pester a woman in order to help her, to calm her with the means available to him, to show that he loves her. A woman lies resentful of her husband, and then after timid attempts to make peace, they begin to pester her. And she draws her conclusion from this male behavior - he needs her only for bed. And he only wanted to make up in order to drag her into bed. And not her feelings, he doesn't give a damn about her offense. And she angrily rejects the man's offers, irritably turns away, wrapped in a blanket. And he waits, waits, waits when a man realizes his guilt and begins to gently but persistently find out what the matter is, or roll in what he has done. After all, the wife loves her husband and believes in him, but the husband becomes even more confused, since all his proposals are rejected. And men find it difficult to withstand strong and prolonged stress. Therefore, contrary to the expectations of the wife, they save their psyche by falling asleep. The wife from such indifference either falls into silent tears facing the wall, or goes to sleep on another sofa, and remembers all the insults in your relationship. The husband falls asleep, confident that his wife will also sleep, rest, and everything will be fine. But the wife does not sleep, she gets upset, blames both you and herself, cries or worries. She feels bad. And tomorrow she, and therefore you, will get even worse. Usually everything happens that way. I hope this article will help you understand why your wife suddenly stopped talking to you, and why your husband does not put up with you, but blatantly falls asleep. Of course, all situations are individual, but here are some tips on behavior in them -For men- the best - the earlier you noticed that your wife or girlfriend (or maybe daughter) is avoiding you, speaks in monosyllables and is clearly tense, then it will be most effective to go to her to figure out what happened. Gently, caringly, not giving up before the first "everything is fine." The more offended she is, the more she will resist your help, and the more she will need it and hope for it. And for women - the best thing is to tell men directly about what in their behavior offended or hurt you. It is difficult for them to guess, and with hints they are also doing badly. Explain what he did wrong, why you expected it differently, and how it makes you feel. This will much more reduce the likelihood of a man repeating his "mistake" than your silence and distance from him.

Women, unfortunately, are not taught to communicate with men. It seems that it is useless. But it is a lack of understanding in communication that can destroy a family.

Let's try to learn to live like this together.
The most important rules for communicating with your husband
1. When things are bad, don't scream. Better cry.
Screaming is a manifestation of aggression. This is a masculine energy, a masculine way of reacting. Whereas tears are a woman's way of reacting. When a woman yells, she is unlikely to be heard. Most likely, she will awaken in a man only reciprocal aggression. And then the skirmish will continue with the transition to personalities.

There is absolutely nothing constructive in this. Whereas tears are a woman's ability to express her feelings. This is the same way to make a man feel and manifest masculine strength.

Now - surprisingly - there are so many women who cannot cry at all. The feminine principle is so suppressed in them, which under no circumstances can squeeze a tear out of itself.

Learn to cry. Very often, at the moment when tears are ready to flow, we block them. And we release anger instead of tears. After all, we want to seem strong and self-sufficient. We are afraid to show our vulnerability and sensitivity, our weakness and gentleness. We are afraid that later they will take advantage of this and make it even more painful.

But only in this way will we really be able to convey to the man that it is painful and hard for us. This is the only way we can end an unnecessary quarrel. Tears are a signal for a man that he has gone far. And this is a stop-cock for a quarrel rushing at full steam.

In addition, women's tears burn up family karma. Therefore, it is even useful to cry when it is difficult.

2. When you cry, scold yourself.

Tears have a very strong effect on men. I would even say too strong to abuse it. Abuse is when we cry and blame.

There is nothing harder for a man's heart than the tears of a beloved woman with accusations. He immediately begins to feel tremendous guilt - even if outwardly he does not show it in any way.

And then - so as not to feel guilty - he can start making excuses, or shout, or just leave.

But if a woman cries and blames herself for everything, then the most natural impulse of any knight is to save her. Take the blame. So you give him the opportunity to become a knight.

"I'm such a fool, you try so hard, but I'm not enough" - you cry

"What are you, I'll buy you a dress!" - he soothes

Whereas if you cry like this: "You can't even buy me a dress!"

Most likely he will answer you:

“You’re never enough! I am not obliged to fulfill your whims! "

You should not manipulate this, you should not abuse this tool. Nobody likes to be used or manipulated. Let's take care of each other.

3. Daily foot massage

It is believed that such a ritual is the shortest path to a man's heart. A woman who kneads the feet of her beloved for at least five minutes every day after work can expect the fulfillment of all her desires.

Moreover, it is believed that in this case, all the energy of a man is closed only on her. And this is the best prevention of cheating.

Foot massage also helps to align the hierarchy in the family - for a man to feel like a captain, and a woman as his assistant.

Moreover, almost every man loves massage. So he can feel that he is loved. And when he is loved and needed, he immediately wants to do something for the one who loves.

Such a small ritual - and so much is hidden in it!

4. Agree with his opinion.

One of the most miraculous phrases: "Yes, dear." And the second - "As you say, beloved."

A man is an opinion. He always has his own position, his own opinion on each issue. It is very important for him to see how the woman agrees with him. When you accept his opinion, for him it means that you accept him.

It's not so difficult to listen to his idea and express admiration. It is not so difficult to ask his advice in a difficult situation. Even if you end up doing otherwise. Ask his advice and thank him for his wisdom.

In the most important areas, it is also worth doing as he says. If he considers it important to go to his mother for New Year, he should agree.

Let him make decisions, and then responsibility begins to grow in him. Otherwise, how will it grow if his decisions are not taken into account, and he does not see the fruits of these decisions?

He wants to buy a new TV - agree. If this decision was strategically wrong, he will understand it himself. And wind it on a mustache. This is called a natural consequence. The main thing here is not to draw your own fat line: "Well, you see, I told you so!"

In addition, this will strengthen the man in the role of head of the family. Feel like you trust him. And he will be grateful that you respect his opinion. If you respect his opinion, you also respect him.

5. Translate from male to female

You can make him apologize. By all the rules. How women do it:

"Please forgive me. I did not want to offend you. I'm sorry."

And you can understand that his "Well, what are you sulking?" - this is the same. Simply put in other words.

So, for example, "I love you" from his lips can sound like "Well, this ... you get it"

And admiration for your new image may turn out to be soundless at all - you just need to see it in your eyes.

Not every man is capable of long and deep compliments. Unfortunately, they are not taught this or explained how important it is for a woman. Over time, you can gently teach him this. But first, learn to translate from masculine to feminine.

In order not to feel unloved and unnecessary. In order not to nag him on every occasion. In order not to demand from him what he does not yet know how.

6. Ask him directly

Men are not telepathic. And they don't realize that ours is: "Would you like to eat?" actually means that we ourselves are hungry. After all, when a man is hungry, he will speak directly.

We women love florid forms of expression. For example:

“Oh, what a spring outside. And the snow has melted, and the grass has already appeared. Even the kidneys are already swollen. Probably, tulips are already blooming with might and main ... "

For a man, it's just a description of the weather. Whereas the woman wanted to hint that she wanted a bouquet of tulips.

You can also say directly: "I would really like tulips ..."

But for some reason it seems that he has to guess himself. If he loves. And if he didn’t guess, then he doesn’t love.

Maybe you should just accept that it is arranged differently? And he has no time and no reason to guess. But he will happily respond to direct requests.

Instead of saying: "The dishes are mountain, but I'm tired ...."

You can simply ask: "Please wash the dishes"

The result will be different. After all, a man is ready to help us. If we ask him about it.

7. Open your heart

For a woman, intimacy is insanely important. And most often we feel this closeness during heart-to-heart conversations. With friends weaving mandalas. Or with mom while making dumplings. Or with a loved one while walking in the garden.

It is important to learn to be open and sincere with your man. In this way, we can free ourselves from all our worries, feel close and secure. And besides this - to give him a sense of his need and importance.

It is difficult for a man to understand a woman. He can not guess puzzles and charades for long. And in a long-term relationship, he wants sincerity. Truthfulness. Sometimes we cheat on little things. Sometimes we hide something and think that this is not cheating.

I remember a woman whose husband was stingy. Moreover, this stinginess appeared out of nowhere and grew every day. It was strange for me until I found out that she was hiding the cost of things from her husband.

When buying good jeans for her son, she told her husband that they were from second hand. Buying shoes for their daughter - they deceived him, lowering the price three times. Children also participated in this deception.

So he became more and more stingy. And then he completely took the family budget from her and gave out quite a bit of money to the children. And at the same time he was surprised why now it is impossible to buy jeans for a child again for two hundred rubles, like last time.

Any deception, no matter how small, erases trust. Even if a person does not know that this is a deception, his soul feels it.

According to Vedic sources, it is one of the duties of a wife to open her heart to her husband. And only the man to whom the woman opens her heart is considered a husband. And to whom do you open your heart?

8. About problems - no emotions, about emotions - no problems

Men often scold their wives for blowing their heads off. In fact, this is practically the case; it is difficult for a man to simultaneously perceive both thoughts and feelings. He hears either one or the other.

“Our son got a deuce,” says his wife

"I'll go figure it out" - the husband answers

“You don’t understand! I'm worried about how he finishes school "

"Now I'll figure it out, and he will finish it."

"How can you not hear that this makes me feel bad!"

And he doesn't hear. He hears the problem. And he goes to solve it. And then it turns out that you also need to sympathize.

To be heard and to solve the problem - separate. Better yet, declare:

"Now I want your sympathy" - and talk about your experiences. No problem description.

"But now I need your help in solving the problem" - and then without emotions, only facts.

Learning to separate is difficult - we have it all so mixed! But the result will please. And the problem will be solved, and sympathy will be received.

9. What you like, encourage immediately

Many times I have seen situations that help to understand why men do not give flowers to women.

So one day I saw a couple walking by a flower shop. He wanted to go there and buy cute flowers - to which the "sweetheart" said in a bass voice: "Why have I not seen these flowers or what?"

Or, for example, my friends. Her husband brought her an armful of red roses on March 8. And she greeted him with the phrase: “You have nowhere to put your money? You could have bought something useful! "

All would be fine, but then women complain that in ten years of marriage, not a single bouquet. Of course, what kind of bouquets if nobody needs them?

When a man gives flowers, he wants to see how happy you are. You are happy, you are looking for a vase, you carefully trim the tips and proudly set them in the center of the house. He wants to see you showing off to your friends. She wants you to tell him every time you look at them: “They have been standing for so long. You probably chose them with great love. "

It's the same with gifts. Not always a man gives exactly what we would like. But he always puts his whole soul into it. Don’t wear those colors. May you prefer white gold over yellow. Let you like white roses, not red carnations. It does not matter. What is important is his act, the fact itself. He did it for you. Be grateful!

He wants to see joy, gratitude and delight. So that next time I can bring you a bouquet or a gift - and again see this sparkle in your eyes.

So you will allow him to remain a romantic prince, extend the candy-bouquet period of your relationship.

« Why "and" Why " - quarrels begin with these phrases. Do you really care why he washed your white shirt with his black socks? Is it really necessary to understand why he never cleans up after himself? These two words immediately set both up in a warlike mood.

• "Could you…." - when we say so, we think we are asking. The man hears everything directly. "Could you take the dog for a walk?" There are two options - I can or I cannot. And why was the question? Does my wife doubt my capabilities? Of course I can. But it does not mean that I will do it.

"I told you!" - a phrase that completely kills masculinity and responsibility. There is even nothing to comment on.

« I don't need you! " or "I will find myself a normal husband" - like any other insults, these phrases sink deep into a man's heart. And they kill love.

In theory, everything turns out to be simple. It remains only to start applying it. First you will see what you did wrong. Then - you will notice that you are doing something wrong, you will not be able to stop. The next step will be to change behavior within the situation. And only then can you prevent it.

The path is not short, difficult, but it definitely leads to happiness.

I wish every woman to learn to understand men. And learn to behave so that the relationship develops, strengthens and makes you happy.

Women are known to be much more hot-tempered than men. They quickly go into conflict, but just as quickly withdraw. On the other hand, the one who offended at least once a representative of the fair sex is forever included in her black list. If her husband did this, then he, although not for long, would still become her enemy. It's hard to forget about grudges. For some reason, we most often hurt our loved ones, we know all their pros and cons, as well as sore spots. I do not want to communicate with my husband - this is the result of nervous tension and resentment. In order to become closer to each other again, it is worth stepping over pride and going to reconciliation.

Lyudmila, 43 years old: “I don't want to communicate with my husband - somehow there is no trust and tenderness for him. We have been quarreling a little lately, sometimes it comes to scandals. Perhaps the reason for this is his relationship with friends. It seems to me that he puts them first. "

When problems make their own adjustments to plans, it is worth thinking about what this relationship means, whether it is worth keeping it. Many people simply write down everything positive and everything negative in two columns and count the positions. If there are more pluses, then the relationship is worth keeping. If the column with minuses is more impressive, then, most likely, the marriage will fall apart sooner or later. The thought “I don’t want to communicate with my husband” arises simply under the influence of emotions or after deliberate weighing of all the details of life together. A woman can be offended by many things. The main thing is to correctly determine the priorities and understand that for the sake of a loved one it is worth doing serious deeds. If a woman is wrong, sometimes you have to admit your guilt. A loving husband will understand everything and after the conversation everything will become as before. If the problem is the systematic misbehavior of the other half, this advice will not work. A husband should love and respect his wife, first of all, if he allows himself to humiliate or offend her at least once, then such a relationship has no future.

The ex-husband does not want to communicate - how to survive?

It is quite another matter if a woman does not want to communicate with her ex-husband. There are many reasons for divorce. However, only a few percent of couples divorce peacefully and without any pretensions. The rest will forever remain enemies. In this case, there is no point in communicating. The only reason for meeting is children. Other communication between two once so close people will not bring any pleasure. If a woman does not want to communicate with her ex-husband, this is very good. You should not stir up the past and torment yourself with memories. It is much better to start your life right away and pay attention to yourself, your development, children, travel, everything that will help you forget about the unhappy ending of your marriage.

Elmara, 28 years old: “My husband and I have just divorced, but he no longer wants to communicate. It's hard for me to get over it, because I can't get it out of my head so quickly. And it's a shame that he stopped everything so suddenly and easily ”.

The second option is if the ex-husband does not want to communicate. In this case, everything is much more complicated. It is difficult for a woman to part with the past. If a husband loses interest in his former family after a divorce, it is best to do this:

• calm down and finally convince yourself that everything is being done for the best;
• do not throw hysterics, do not call and do not come to your ex-husband, demanding attention;
• take care of yourself and your appearance;
• find a new hobby or activity to your liking;
• pay maximum attention to your children;
• reduce communication with the ex to zero and find new friends with the same interests.

If the ex-husband does not want to communicate, there is really no problem, you need to follow his example and not impose your communication. There are many other things in the world, more interesting and more useful than empty suffering for someone who has already remained in the past.

Hello,
I have a very big problem. I have been married for 5.5 years. I have known my husband for 8 years. I would not say that it was love at first sight. But gradually I got used to him and even thought that I loved him very much. For 8 years we quarreled a lot, it came to parting, but every time it hurt me to let him go, when we stayed away from each other, I was bored, I felt very bad. All my feelings changed as soon as I got pregnant. More precisely, after his relationship to me. I spent the first 3 months of pregnancy very badly. I couldn't eat and slept constantly. The mother-in-law began to complain about me to her husband, and instead of supporting me, he rolled up scandals for me. When I was 5 months old, I went to my parents, and my husband went to the army. I stayed with my parents for 2.5 months. She moved where my husband served, rented an apartment, and even then he treated me like a housekeeper. Like, why are the dust and glasses dirty, etc. Well, it seemed to me that he was worried about the child, did not want germs to enter the body, etc. Well, all the same, this attitude makes you distance. My husband has a close friend with whom he has been friends for over 4 years. Let's just say, a mutual friend of the family, because with him I could share our problems with my husband, and he supported us and helped to fix the relationship. After giving birth, my relationship with my husband and I finally deteriorated because of his relatives. By the 8th month of my boy, I began to think about divorce. But I was kept back by the fact that the child would be left without a father. It's not a problem for me to live alone, because I work, and I have enough for both me and the child without my husband's alimony. At that time, his friend tried on us. But I have no feelings as such for my husband. We still live, but we constantly scandal.
As for my problem. When my boy was 1.5 years old, in the evening my husband and friends went to the club. Our close friend was there too. At the end of the evening, I felt a friend's gaze. She looked, and he looked into my eyes with such, how to say, maybe tenderness (at that moment the song "there is no more beautiful than you" was playing). I got goosebumps, and after that I started thinking about him. The three of us (me. My husband and his friend) very often go to all sorts of parties, clubs, etc. Another 6 months passed. In the last 4 parties in the club, where it is very crowded, his friend began to hold my hand, when I went to the toilet, he walked with me, hugging my waist. They waited in line in the toilet, also hugged me and waited until I left. The last time in general (I have a feeling that I can't breathe without him) after leaving the club we went home. My husband drove the car, I sat next to him, and my friend was in the back seat. Suddenly he took my hand and began to caress ..... we clasped our hands and drove home like this ... I felt like the last pig in relation to my husband ... but I can’t help myself. This also happens after we drink very hard. On the trail. day we sat down at the table as if nothing had happened. I just asked my husband how we got there, they say, I don’t remember how I got there yesterday, with my husband’s friend ... About 2 weeks have passed since that incident, but I don’t find a place for myself. Just recently my husband, me, the child and his friend went on vacation together, swam, walked, etc. and as if nothing had happened. It's just that when he talks to me, he speaks kindly, when we quarrel with my husband, he tries to support me. But again, as just a very good friend. After returning home, as well as on vacation. During this period, I made a decision about divorce, she told her husband about my decision, but he won't let me go ... He says that he wakes up to do everything to keep me, will try to make my feelings return to him ... But I don't stop thinking about his friend ... it hurts and at the same time these feelings lift my spirits, give me warmth ... The only one I think about at the moment is my child ... Help, please, advise me what to do ...

Question to the psychologist:

A couple of days ago, my husband had a birthday. He has a small company, and we celebrated in a team. I do not really understand all these alcoholic libations, I asked my husband to leave me at home, and go for a walk to the fullest, but he said that you are the boss's wife - presence is a must. Among the guests was his friend, he is not an employee of her husband, he just stopped by to congratulate and stayed. In the middle of the evening, this friend told me to shut up ... Honestly, I don't know why ... I wasn't talking to him, and not even about him ... Everyone heard it ... I froze, I couldn't say anything ... I feel terrible humiliation, and I am also ashamed of myself, because I could not stand up for myself, and ashamed of my husband, because he did not intercede ... In the morning I asked my husband why he didn’t react to his friend’s actions , the husband said that he had not heard anything like that ... Seriously ??? He was sitting 20 centimeters away from me, everyone heard, deathly silence came at the table ... and he says - I did not hear ... He said that he would talk to his friend and explain to him that it was impossible with me, but did not have time for minutes fifteen later, his friend called me and said that he was told about his yesterday's behavior, he himself does not remember anything, but he apologizes, like he's a drunken fool, what can you do, it happened and it happened, well, you’re like sorry ... Then these two comrades they began to communicate as if nothing had happened, I understand that everything is cool with them, they both do not remember anything, but I remember that, it hurts, I cannot forget all this humiliation, I cannot forgive my husband that I felt at that moment , very lonely and vulnerable ... I just don’t know what to do ... I don’t know how to deal with negative emotions, I don’t know how to forgive my husband, I don’t know how to communicate with his friend now ... It seems that everything is normal , everyone apologized, but these apologies didn’t give me anything, and I don’t know what to do, how to behave, to really forgive ... and I need to is it generally forgiving?

The question is answered by the psychologist Rodionova Daria Igorevna.

Hello Katerina.

Let's break down your situation into its constituent facts.

In the middle of an evening with alcoholic libations, a friend of your husband, for reasons unknown to you, tells you to shut up. It makes you feel terrible humiliation. You are ashamed of yourself because you could not stand up for yourself. You are ashamed of your husband because he did not intercede.

In the morning you ask your husband why he didn’t react to his friend’s actions. The husband replies that he has not heard anything like that. You do not understand this, because he was sitting 20 centimeters away.

Now everything seems to be normal, everyone has apologized, but you can't get away from these apologies. And you don't know how to cope with negative emotions, how to forgive (and whether or not to forgive) your husband, how to communicate with his friend.

Let's try to figure it out.

I do not in any way justify drunken actions, but! For some unknown internal reason, a drunk friend told you to shut up (it sounds rude, yes. But no more). And whose problem is it? This is a problem and "cockroaches" are not yours, his. But it was you who chose to react sharply and accept this as a humiliation.

I noticed that you did not write about whether you supported you, whether people at the table stood up for you. I can assume not. And here I have a question. Katerina, how do you do it yourself, that people think that you don't care, that you are iron and do not need support, help, protection? You have clearly expressed your feelings and experiences in the letter. But do you do this in life, in the moment of an unpleasant situation?

You write that you are ashamed of yourself because you could not stand up for yourself. Katerina, how often do you allow you to violate your boundaries and not respond to what is unpleasant to you? What would your defense look like and what prevented you from doing so at that moment?

Of course, you expected protection from your husband. And his inaction made you feel lonely and vulnerable. That is, your expectations were not met. And it makes you angry! But the reality is that not always someone else can and wants to help us. But we ourselves are much more likely to help ourselves. Including

Awareness and appropriation of your feelings / emotions;

Voicing your feelings / emotions about behavior and marking the boundaries of what is inappropriate.

When you realize that you have YOU, then you free yourself from the painful feelings of loneliness and vulnerability. And in fact, you free yourself from emotional dependence on the behavior of any other person.

You ask how to deal with negative emotions, how to forgive your husband, how to communicate with his friend despite their apology. Look. When we hold on to resentment, it gives us the feeling that now we can control whoever is to blame. Punish him. And also receive "compensation" from him. It seems to me that it is important for you to receive recognition of your emotions. So that those - the guilty ones - understand how painful, sad, insulting you are. And shared these feelings with you. If so, then you can simply tell the culprit about your feelings. Receive support, acceptance in return - and let go of the resentment (and with it the anger). Or not to receive it - and then live your powerlessness and independence.