Hello! My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have a 4-year-old daughter together. The problem is that my husband defends his brother and mother in every possible way when they disrespect me while visiting us. In any case, he is always on their side.

I also really don’t like the fact that he talks too openly with them about our family life, even when he shouldn’t. I haven’t worked for many years, after the birth of my daughter I noticed that my husband began to take advantage of my dependent position on him not in the best way. I often experience moral pressure and financial dependence. Moreover, if I tell him an unpleasant thing, he can punish me for it; for the last time he canceled our trip, which we had long planned together.

We went through the most difficult times in our family together, and now my husband makes me understand that he can do everything himself, since he earns good money. Sometimes I don’t even dare to raise a problem, otherwise he accuses me of causing a scandal. Please help me how to behave correctly in this situation. Thank you, Claire.

Answer to the question

Hello Claire!

You probably know that most family problems can (and should!) be solved together, by talking about your own desires, needs, what you and he like and don’t like. After all, a person cannot get into our shoes and find out for sure, so we have to speak directly. As you describe, the situation is more complicated, because your husband accuses you of scandals when you try to raise a problem, which means that by talking about own feelings can't get by here.

It turns out that now he has taken a dominant position and behaves this way, realizing that you depend on him financially. He is not going to change this, he is so comfortable, he feels that he can do what he wants. In addition, you yourself perceive his behavior as “punishment”. But you have grown up a long time ago, no one can punish you except you. The fact that he canceled the trip can be perceived in another way: for example, as his wounded pride or complex character. When you perceive this precisely as punishment, then you yourself support the painful system that has developed in your family: he is the boss, you are the subordinate; he is dominant, you are dependent.

But in fact, your husband himself depends on you. Yes, yes, that's true, don't be surprised. He depends on your reactions, your perception of the situation, he feels “on top” only when you unconsciously agree to submit, and as soon as you start changing anything, he will no longer feel so good. But this may be the first step towards changes in your situation. Only when the dependent person in a couple becomes independent can the other one begin to respect his opinion, listen to him, and behave fairly. Therefore, if you want to be listened to and respected by your husband, you will have to become independent, both materially and mentally.

Where to begin? In difficult situations, imagine how independent Claire would behave in your place, and do the same as her. Can your husband do everything himself? And you can too! Find other sources of income (for example, a job), do not ask your husband for anything - do everything you need yourself. And this is fair: you must agree, this is what you need, and not someone else. But I want to warn you: be prepared for the fact that your husband may begin to “blackmail” you with the most different ways to maintain the system you have now. After all, it is much more profitable for him - and they may not even realize it.

You should also be prepared for resistance to becoming independent. And you really want to find some other way out. Remember the real reason for this: your benefits from material dependence. After all, it is very tempting to be wealthy and not do anything for it. Think about what would be healthier for you and your personality:

• be dependent, but financially secure OR
• to be independent, listened to, more confident and respected by other people.

Just don’t confuse independence with coldness, please, no one cancels affection and tenderness, caring for your husband, nice words and attention. The love of two independent individuals is the most healthy love in the world.

All the best to you, Claire!

Your psychologist Maria Minakova

After marriage, especially with a wealthy man, you can often observe how a woman turns from strong and free into a housewife. Against the backdrop of the bright feelings of the first years married life the realization that something has changed in life and is not better side, doesn't come right away. But after thoughts become clearer and the scales fall from our eyes, a logical question arises: how to become independent from your husband?

Men are mostly hunters and breadwinners. This role obliges a lot, so it is considered quite natural for them to strive for independence. But the psychology of men is structured in such a way that simply being independent is not enough for them; they certainly want their wife to depend on her husband.

Perhaps they believe that in this way it is easier to keep a woman near them. The form of dependence does not matter. Most often, a woman depends on a man morally or financially, and sometimes in the first and second ways at the same time. Transforming into a housewife who sees nothing beyond the bedroom, kitchen and children usually occurs in two scenarios.

The first is a direct statement that after marriage a woman should not work and her main occupation is providing comfort in the house (consider the place in the kitchen).
The second is more sophisticated. The husband gradually leads his wife to the idea that his beloved wife should not work somewhere, and he, as the breadwinner, will provide for her and the children. This is where domestic tyranny begins.

In such families, all the wives do is wash, wash, cook, look after the children and wear slippers in their teeth. Some see their happiness in this and are quite happy, but others are not attracted to the role of a full-time housekeeper.

How to become independent from your husband and not destroy your family?

The first thing you need to start with is to understand what kind of addiction you are in. If the issue is purely material, then you need to look for a job. Many may protest, saying that a woman was created to be loved and carried in her arms, and not to be harnessed to the yoke of a now truly working horse, having just freed herself from the family yoke.
You will have to disappoint such ladies - you will never become independent. Freedom is not only a privilege, but also a number of responsibilities. If you do not want to take them upon yourself, then it means that you are not striving for freedom, but simply for an idle life.

With moral dependence, the situation is somewhat different; in order to overcome it, you need to develop some strong-willed qualities in yourself. There are special trainings and courses for these purposes, but you can give some advice, following which will help not only take the first step towards freedom, but also grow as a person.

The first steps to finding freedom

The first thing you need to do is really set a goal. Without a strong intention, there will be no result.
The second piece of advice is to put yourself in proper condition. A woman independent from her husband - beautiful woman. It often happens that a woman stops taking care of herself during her daily routine. If you want to return that special attitude that your husband had towards you before, make an effort and become as bright as in the first days of your acquaintance.
An independent woman is not only a beautiful wrapper, but also something that hides inside. Undoubtedly, there are some subjects or topics that have always interested you, but due to lack of time you have always put them on the back burner, take up them immediately. Read more, share your thoughts, but not with your husband, but, for example, with your friends. Be sure to find a hobby outside the home.
For your man, you again must present some kind of mystery. Feel free to win your right to some personal affairs outside the walls of the apartment, but do not overdo it so that your other half does not begin to suspect you of something wrong.

A man pays little attention, and you suffer from this, you always agree with the man’s opinion, even when you internally disagree with his position, or the most extreme option is that the man cheats, and you suffer, continuing to love him, not knowing how to cope with your emotional dependence .

Why is it most often a woman who becomes emotionally dependent on a man, and not vice versa?

The answer lies in our psychology, strengthened by upbringing. WITH early childhood Girls are taught that the most important thing in life is love, family, children. Exactly in this sequence. Some are offered a successful marriage instead of love, again to create a good family, the well-being of children and possibly personal comfort.

And that's why while we dream of love...

Young men are offered a different scale of values

Their personal achievements always come first, be it a career, sports, or any skills in which a future man must succeed in order to feel happy and be able to provide for his family. Are boys told that to be happy they need to fall in love? Or: “Will you be successful and happy if you create a good family?”

Rather, they will tell him “You will be successful and happy if you achieve this, that and that, and you can ensure the well-being of your family.” In second place in the scale of values, a man has their pleasures. You can’t throw all your energy into achieving your goals; you also need to be able to relax. Hunting, fishing, football, computer games or other male pleasures.

Family life, children, love are the prerogative of women. Of course, men also need love, warm family relationships, communication with children. But these values, as a rule, fade into the background in the minds of men.

Before marriage, a girl’s range of interests can be varied: friends, clubs, sports clubs, etc. Often, part of these interests is again aimed at achieving the girl’s main mission - to get married! And after the main goal has been achieved, most of us set other equally worthy goals - creating comfort in the home and raising children, completely devoting ourselves both physically and emotionally to the implementation of these missions.

After starting a family, women often give up their purely personal pleasures, communication with friends, trying to devote themselves as much as possible to their beloved husband and children. More often family responsibilities turn into needs.

At this time, a man puts his efforts into work and his emotions into pleasure. After all, everything is in order in the family, everything is under the close control of the woman.

Therefore, while we are suffering from a lack of attention from a man, he is thinking about how to conquer the next peak in his career, achieve results in his hobby, or dreams of an adventure with a new woman.


And here we fall into the trap of our own illusions, becoming emotionally dependent on men. This dependence is especially pronounced among women who decide to become housewives. They express themselves when they see the result of their labors. Cleanliness in the house Tasty dinner on the table, smart and well-mannered children. And a natural need arises for this result to be appreciated by the man he loves. And the husband most often does not consider this an achievement, but a fact for granted.

How to avoid this?

How to learn to be emotionally free from a man?

The answer, as we see, lies on the surface. You don’t need to direct all your emotions in one direction! Redistribute them. Of course, we will not be able to completely change our feminine essence. The need to take care of children, husband, home will not go away and that’s good!

But if you want to become emotionally free from a man, you must understand what brings you pleasure besides caring for your children and husband. Direct a significant part of your emotions in this pleasant and fruitful direction. Don't sacrifice communication with friends you're really interested in for the sake of... family hearth, because your man allows himself purely male meetings. Set a goal to increase your self-esteem!


Find yourself a hobby that will bring you real joy! Getting bright positive feelings is the best key to emotional freedom. It could be Sport section, dancing, hobby club. If your hobbies include interesting people who are not related to your family, this is only for the better! Your horizons will expand and there will always be topics to discuss with your husband.


The more positive emotions you receive, outside your man’s zone of influence, the more valuable those you give him will be, and the more often he will have the desire to reciprocate your feelings.

Many girls dream of marrying a rich man, mistakenly believing that family life, where the wife lives dependent on her husband and can spend any money on her whims, is like a fairy tale. In fact, wives who do not work anywhere are dependent individuals with low self-esteem, who consider themselves unable to provide for themselves on their own and prefer to endure rather than try to change their lives.

None woman cannot feel happy while remaining dependent on a man. After all, any addiction means only one thing - to obey other people's rules, and not to manage your life. The first thing a woman who dreams of happy marriage- this means, regardless of how much the husband earns, to make every effort to maintain his personal integrity. To do this, it is necessary at the beginning life together declare: “I do not intend to leave my job, the role of a housewife does not suit me!”

Of course, many women, after reading this, they may protest, saying: “A woman’s purpose is to love and be loved, and not to work like a horse. Housewife women have a lot of time to take care of themselves, take care of children and husbands. Their husbands carry them in their arms, so they can't be unhappy!" Yes, there are some unemployed women who are satisfied with their lives, but there are only a few of them.

Basic quantity women, financially dependent on, feel like a toy in the hands of their spouse and experience daily fear that they may get bored, and he will find himself more interesting woman, which clearly wins against the background of the “faceless doll”. They are afraid not so much of losing their husband as of being left without a livelihood. Therefore, many prefer to unquestioningly fulfill all the whims of their husband and forgive him everything. Can such a life be called happy?

Be independent from her husband- pledge of the present female happiness. Difficult to find married woman, who would not be burdened by constant expectations when her husband will give her a fur coat, a ring, or allocate money to buy clothes, cosmetics and entertainment with friends. Almost all men are ready to part with a large sum of money for the sake of the woman they love, but in return for this they demand unquestioning worship and submission. A dependent woman tries to please her husband in everything and not to contradict him, gradually turning into a slave.

Strong wish getting rid of financial and psychological dependence on a husband forces women to turn to psychologists, since constant fear and stress inevitably lead to prolonged depression over time. Is it possible to avoid such a development of the situation if you decide for yourself that you also have the right to have your own opinion and decide what is convenient for you and what is not? That you are as free a person as your husband. That you can also refuse if you don’t feel like doing something. At the same time, do not apologize, do not explain or make excuses....

Quit the habit guess about your husband's mood by his voice. If you see that he is dissatisfied with something, directly ask him about it or ignore him. He wants to tell himself. Yes, you, just like him, have the right not to immediately answer his calls, stay late at work and not explain anything. Ask him not to do this again, because you don’t like his behavior. But only independent woman who values ​​her freedom.

To find freedom, you need to take on a number of responsibilities, namely:

1. Earn Money. If you cannot imagine your life without the financial support of your husband, then this is a sign that you are striving not for freedom, but for an idle life. Freedom is not only the key to successful and happy life, but also a number of responsibilities. Even if you are not able to go to work right now, for example, you are on maternity leave, do not turn into a housewife. Increase your self-education to become a sought-after specialist and upon graduation maternity leave start working immediately. Purposeful and hardworking employees are always valuable; after a while, they inevitably become indispensable and receive high salaries.

2. Be independent. There is no need to turn love into addiction. Don’t rush to immediately ask your husband for help and stop complaining to him about every issue. Try to solve your problems yourself, for example, change an apartment, place your child in a prestigious kindergarten or send him to a sports school. To prevent your independence from becoming the cause of family quarrels, inform your husband about your decision, but do not ask him. Relationships in families where the wife is her husband’s assistant and friend, and does not sit on his neck, are much stronger. Don’t be afraid to spend time separately from your husband, let him get bored a little and understand that he can’t live without you.

3. Don't be jealous. Learn to trust your husband and behave in such a way that he does not have reasons to be jealous of you. Trying to be independent, many women go too far, spending a lot of time with friends, going out to restaurants and parties with friends. We must not forget that freedom alone is not enough for happiness; it is extremely important to maintain the love and respect of all family members. Jealousy destroys relationships, which is why they say: “Loneliness is the other side of freedom.”

Video about the typical fate of a girl and the self-realization of most women

Once upon a time there lived He and She. And Love came to them... And they began family life, dreaming of living happily ever after and dying on the same day, because they couldn’t imagine their lives without each other. They had a lot of expectations, worries, happiness, worries, and tears. And somehow, unbeknownst to herself, that wife fell into dependence on her husband.

Husband is king, god and lord

There was that dependence not because the children were like peas in the shops, and the husband was the only breadwinner in the house. Not because the young woman married the old, expecting to live as a lady, without worries and hassle, even depending on the generosity of her husband. Such financial dependence in a relationship is not scary when it suits both parties. No, there was that dependence on great love wife to husband. So, at least, it seemed to the woman herself.

She loved him so much, idolized him so much that she elevated him to the rank of master, controlling all her thoughts and actions. In the morning he will prepare the vestments, serve the royal breakfast in bed, and faithfully await the return of his master after a working day. Not a step out of the yard, no fun with girlfriends, no plans for the future without the consent of my husband. And there are no outside desires, just to be next to him, to hold his hand, to faithfully look for a response to your love in his eyes.

One great fear lived in it constantly - to lose your beloved. One big concern constantly overcame me - to earn a good attitude towards myself, to prove that I was worthy of the love and affection of my betrothed. And the more she loved him so much, the less joy there was in her life, the more time passed in the difficult expectations of her husband, who was increasingly reluctant to return to her.

There is such a disease - dependence on your husband

Unfortunately, statistics show that every third woman who comes for a consultation with a psychotherapist suffers from love addiction to her husband. A psychologist can easily determine when women confuse love with love addiction. After all, their manifestations are diametrically opposed.

Love inspires, charges with positivity and vital energy. Dependence on a husband is only called love, but love here is supplanted by the fear of being left alone. This fear deprives a woman of the ability to experience pleasure in life, since all her strength and desires are directed toward keeping her husband close to her.

There are a number of symptoms by which a woman dependent on a man immediately recognizes herself:

• lack of personal hobbies and circle of friends;
• a tendency to sacrifice one’s interests, desires, and comfort to please one’s husband;
• inability to say no;
• the desire to always be good for him, to earn his love;
• terrible panic at the thought of losing her husband;
• inability to make your plans and make your decisions without looking at a man.

Emotional dependence on husband

Love addiction is also an emotional addiction, since a woman does not receive the necessary satisfaction from life. A woman tries to get a lack of emotional experiences, even negative ones, from her husband. Envy and jealousy grows towards the husband’s more interesting, eventful and meeting-filled life outside the walls of the house. Resentment, reproaches, growing aggression towards the spouse and simultaneous attempts to justify his inattention and indifference to her needs lead to constant suffering.

The husband is nearby, he said kind word- again I feel good and calm in my soul, I went away - terrible thoughts besiege the woman, depriving her of peace. Such emotional swings exhaust her both physically and mentally. It is no coincidence that emotional dependence is officially recognized as a disease.

Treatment of emotional dependence on husband

It is possible to begin treatment only with the woman recognizing the existence of the very problem of psychological dependence on her husband. Next, psychologists usually suggest that you stop filling all your spouse’s time and space with yourself, switching your energy to sports, work, and hobbies. And, of course, learn to respect yourself!

However, if it were so easy for a dependent woman, it is unlikely that she would find herself in such a situation at all.

Sometimes psychologists, saying that emotional dependence is rooted in childhood, offer individual psychotherapy sessions as treatment. Some people say that the reason for dependence on a husband is lack of self-confidence and low self-esteem women because of the love they did not receive from their parents in childhood. Others argue that initially a woman’s selfishness forces her to shift all responsibility for her and making decisions in the family to her husband, which later ultimately leads to dependence on him.

Who becomes addicted to their husband?

However, traditional psychology does not explain why not all unloved or selfish people fall into the trap of psychological dependence. In fact, only those women who are naturally endowed with an exceptional talent for loving and creating lasting emotional connections can fall into such dependence. System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan speaks of them as people with a visual vector.

They have a special vision, capable of noticing beauty even where the gaze of others slides past. They are great lovers of reading, dreaming and imagining. They have the greatest emotional amplitude, allowing them to instantly move from tears to laughter and back. At the same time, it is easy to exaggerate the emotions experienced, both positive and negative.

Only love helps them overcome their innate fear of death. It is about them that they sing: “parting is a little death,” because for them life without love loses its meaning. They are afraid of losing her, so they are ready to do anything to prevent this from happening.

We all come from childhood

Of course, the presence of a woman’s visual vector does not mean that she will necessarily become emotionally dependent on her husband. IN psychological dependence Those women with a visual vector fall to whom in childhood, due to some circumstances, their mother could not give a feeling of security and safety. For the proper development of the child’s psyche, every child must receive care from their parents, unconditional love, protection. A girl with a visual vector, like no other, needs love.

If a girl with a combination of visual and anal vectors hears praise and words of approval only in exchange for fulfilling some conditions of adults, she develops the understanding that love and care can only be earned. To do this, you need to be good for others, even to the detriment of your own desires. In addition, the girl’s psyche is traumatized when she hears from adults: “Why are you so ugly?”, “Who will love you?”, “No one will marry you, look at yourself!” Having fallen in love and gotten married, such a girl will believe that she cannot simply be loved. Hence the desire to earn the love of her husband by constant readiness to live only for his sake, to always be good, comfortable and kind.

For a girl with a cutaneous-visual ligament of vectors, the lack of an emotional connection with her parents in childhood does not allow her to develop sensuality. All her emotions remain in the range of all kinds of fears. The fear of being alone will force her to cling to her husband, with whom she experienced strong emotions, even if these feelings have already outlived their usefulness.

Sexual addiction to husband

In women who are psychologically dependent on their husbands, there is another dependence on him - sexual. It does not matter whether the woman is hypersexual compared to her husband or, conversely, whether her needs for sex are more modest than his.

A woman with an anal-visual combination of vectors gets used to one partner, especially if he is her first, and cannot imagine life with another man. For her, any changes are a serious stress, and here the question also concerns family - the main value of the owners of the anal vector.

In addition, at the moment of sexual intimacy, a woman receives a feeling of security and safety. Her fears are relieved for a while. At this moment, the woman with the visual vector experiences strong emotional experiences. You can imagine how great the difference is between everyday fear and these states - you want more and more.

What does dependence on a husband lead to?

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan emphasizes the most important role of the emotional connection between spouses, which a woman must create. It is this connection that keeps people close over the years. It is built in conditions of complete trust in the couple. However, in conditions of sexual and emotional dependence, a woman cannot overcome the fear of losing her husband.

Psychological dependence on a husband destroys both the woman and the family as a whole. The husband, depending on the structure of his psyche, may try for a long time to convince his wife of his love for her, get tired of her total presence, give up and leave. Another is quite satisfied with such a dependence of his wife, who clearly will not get away from him, no matter what he does, no matter what lifestyle he leads. It is convenient for him to have a woman ready for anything at hand. He cleverly manipulates her using the carrot and stick method.

One day there comes a time when the wife can no longer bear her dependence on her husband.

How to get rid of emotional dependence on your husband

In response to this question, systemic vector psychology gives precise advice: understand your inner world, find out your mental structure, look your fears in the eye and start living. All this can be done at the free online training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan.

A woman with a visual vector is not endowed with such a reserve of love in order to get a man for her indefinite use. A woman must give her endless potential of love, emotions, and talents to those who need it. this moment. The emotions received in response will more than fill her needs for love, recognition, and will give her new strength and desires. The lost faith in yourself and your capabilities will return, and a taste for life will appear.

This will allow you to remove from your life everything that interferes with your enjoyment. First of all, get rid of dependent relationships. It is not necessary to divorce your husband for this. As soon as a woman changes from the inside with the help of system-vector psychology, everything around her changes, including her husband’s attitude towards her.

In addition, the woman gets rid of all fears. Fear of being alone, not coping with life's difficulties, not meeting new love. The absence of fears allows you to breathe deeply and greet every new day with a smile. An inspiring example is the numerous reviews from those who have already understood how to avoid emotional dependence on their husbands and have built harmonious family relationships:

“... Previously, I couldn’t be without my loved one for a long time, when I had to be separated for just one or two days, I started to panic, I couldn’t find a place for myself. Now this fear (I can’t call that feeling any other way) is gone. The feeling of peace and security does not leave me, even when we are not together. And I know that I will never feel alone again. And what happiness it is to make the one you love happy. It seems that only now I truly understand the meaning of these words. To melt from tenderness or passion when you are nearby, and to know that he feels the same, to see the reflection of your own happiness in his eyes, to feel how your soul trembles with joy when you meet... My God, I never even dreamed of SUCH love! And now we both know how to preserve it and preserve it for many years..."

The knowledge gained about the structure of the husband’s psyche contributes to liberation from addiction. Understanding his desires, characteristics, life priorities, temperament, sexuality, it is easier to build an emotional connection, find common ground, and avoid conflicts.

If you have found signs of emotional dependence on your husband and want to get rid of it in order to love without destroying your relationship with your loved one, just register for the nearest free online training “System-vector psychology” by Yuri Burlan. As a major bonus, you will receive a huge amount of knowledge on how to raise happy children who will never become emotionally dependent on their partners.

The article was written using materials from Yuri Burlan’s online training “System-vector psychology”

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