A 4 year old child is aggressive. Why does the child behave aggressively? Types of aggression in children

To understand the reasons causing aggressive behavior in a child, first you need to understand what aggression is. Psychologists say that aggression is not an attitude, not a motive, or even an emotion. Aggression is not a healthy behavior pattern that is rooted in early childhood. The reasons that provoke the development of an aggressive pattern of behavior in a child have a very real basis, so it is extremely important not only to know about them, but also not to ignore the possible consequences.

We have selected the most common causes of aggression in children, according to experts:

Reason #1 - Rejection by parents

This reason is one of the basic ones, since according to statistics, aggressive patterns of behavior most often manifest themselves in unwanted babies. If a child was born to parents who were consciously or subconsciously unprepared for this, he not only intuitively feels the catch, but also “reads” this information from intonation and gestures. Such a child tries to prove that he is good and has the right to exist. However, it usually does this quite aggressively.

Reason #2 - Hostility

It is very difficult for a child whose parents are hostile towards him. Over time, this baby transfers the attitude of his parents to the world around him, which seems far from friendly to him. If parents allow their negativity to be taken out on the child or blame the child for their own failures, the child not only loses self-confidence, he develops fears and phobias. Over time, the lack of a sense of security and stability leads to bursts of aggression that are directed at parents.

Reason #3 - Destruction of emotional connections

If a child is forced to live with parents who treat each other with disrespect or hostility, his life becomes a nightmare. It is especially sad when a child not only witnesses family quarrels, but also takes part in dramatic events.

As a result, the child is either in constant tension, suffering from family disputes and an unstable situation in the house, or begins to harden his soul and become a subtle manipulator with a very aggressive pattern of behavior.

Reason No. 4 - Disrespect for the child’s personality

Aggressive behavior can be caused by tactless and incorrect criticism, humiliating and offensive remarks, especially if they were expressed publicly. Disrespect for the child's personality, and even more so his humiliation, can cause serious complexes that destroy self-confidence.

Reason #5 - Excessive control

As a rule, excessive control over the child’s behavior is established by parents who have a tough and domineering character. However, in an effort to control every step, mom and dad should not forget that by doing so they suppress the personality and hinder the development of their child. In addition, overprotection causes not so much love as fear and the desire to run away. The end result of such harsh upbringing will be the child’s aggressive behavior directed at others (adults and children). A kind of veiled protest against the “oppression” of the individual, rejection of the situation of subordination, the existing state of affairs, the fight against prohibitions. In an attempt to protect his self, the child chooses an attack as a form of defense, even when he is not in danger.

Reason #6 - Excessive attention

When a child is given a lot of attention in a family, he quickly gets used to it and becomes spoiled. Over time, the parents' desire to please the baby turns against them. If the next wish of such a child is not fulfilled, in response the parents receive an outburst of aggression in the form of a thrown hysteria or “quiet” meanness.

Reason #7 - Lack of attention

The constant busyness of parents also gives rise to aggressive behavior in children. In this case, aggression is used as a way to attract parental attention, even in a negative form. The child feels lonely and defenseless, he is frightened by the indifference of his parents and, as a result, aggressive, inappropriate actions.

Reason #8 - Feeling of fear

It should also be remembered that outbursts of aggression can be caused by the baby’s anxious state and dictated by fear. Quite often, aggressive behavior is a child’s cry for help, behind which there is a real tragedy and genuine grief. As a rule, a frightened person acts and thinks inappropriately to the situation. A frightened child also lets the situation get out of control and ceases to understand who is his enemy and who is his friend.

Sergey Vasilenkov for Women's magazine "Prelest"

– verbal and physical activity aimed at causing harm to one’s own health, people, animals, and external objects. Based on negative emotions, the desire to harm. Manifested by disobedience, irritability, cruelty, insults, slander, threats, refusal to communicate, acts of violence (bites, blows). Diagnosed by a psychiatrist or psychologist. The research is carried out using the method of conversation, observation, questionnaires, questionnaires, and projective tests are used. Treatment includes group and individual psychotherapy - training in ways to control emotions and safely express anger.

ICD-10

R45.6 F91

General information

Aggressive behavior is detected in children of all ages. It primarily serves as a way of expressing negative emotions - irritation, anger, anger. Observing the result of such behavior, the child evaluates its usefulness. Secondarily, he demonstrates aggression for a specific purpose - to get toys, food, to attract the attention of parents, to prove strength, importance, to subjugate others. The more often the desired is achieved, the more firmly aggressiveness is consolidated in behavior, becoming a quality of character. The prevalence of this phenomenon is difficult to determine, since every child displays aggression throughout his life. In boys it occurs earlier and is open in nature. In girls it manifests itself indirectly.

Causes

The causes of aggression are varied - accumulated emotional stress, the inability to express resentment in words, lack of attention from adults, the desire to get someone else's toy, to show strength to peers. Often children harm others or themselves because they feel helpless, sad, resentful, but cannot understand their own condition and do not have the communication skills to resolve the problem. The following groups of causes of aggressiveness are distinguished:

Family relationships. The formation of aggression is facilitated by demonstrations of cruelty, violence, disrespect, frequent conflicts in the family, and parental indifference. The child copies the behavior of the mother, the father - argues, provokes fights, openly shows anger, disobedience in order to attract attention.
Personal characteristics. The instability of the emotional state is manifested by anger and irritation. Through aggression, fear, fatigue, poor health are expressed, feelings of guilt and low self-esteem are compensated.
Features of the nervous system. Children with an unbalanced weak type of central nervous system are prone to aggression. They tolerate stress less well and are less resistant to the effects of physical and psychological discomfort.
Socio-biological factors. The severity of aggressiveness is determined by the child’s gender, role expectations, and social status. Boys are often instilled with the idea that a man should be able to fight, to “fight back.”
Situational factors. Emotional lability in childhood is manifested by outbursts of irritation and anger when accidentally exposed to external unfavorable events. A child can be provoked by a bad school grade, the need to do homework, physical discomfort caused by hunger, or a tiring trip.

Pathogenesis

The physiological basis of children's aggressiveness is an imbalance in the processes of excitation-inhibition of the central nervous system, the functional immaturity of individual brain structures responsible for the control of emotions and behavior. When exposed to a stimulus, excitation predominates, and the process of inhibition “lags.” The psychological basis of children's aggressiveness is a low ability for self-regulation, lack of developed communication skills, dependence on adults, and unstable self-esteem. Children's aggression is a way to relieve stress during emotional, mental stress, and poor health. Purposeful aggressive behavior is focused on getting what you want and protecting your own interests.

Classification

Many classifications of aggressive behavior have been developed. Based on the direction of actions, a distinction is made between heteroaggression – causing harm to others, and auto-aggression – causing harm to oneself. Based on etiological characteristics, reactive aggression is distinguished, which occurs as a reaction to external factors, and spontaneous, motivated by internal impulses. The classification according to the form of manifestation is of practical importance:

Expressive aggression. Demonstration methods – intonation, facial expressions, gestures, postures. Diagnostically difficult option. Aggressive acts are not recognized or denied by the child.
Verbal aggression. It is realized through words - insults, threats, swearing. The most common option among schoolgirls.
Physical aggression. Damage is caused using physical force. This form is common among children early age, schoolchildren (boys).

Symptoms

Basic manifestations of aggression are observed in infants up to one year old. In children aged 1-3 years, conflicts arise due to the appropriation of toys and other personal belongings. Children bite, push, fight, throw objects, spit, scream. Attempts by parents to suppress the child's reactions with punishments aggravate the situation. In preschoolers, physical expression of aggression is observed less frequently, since speech is actively developing and its communicative function is being mastered.

The need for communication is growing, but productive interaction is hampered by egocentricity, the inability to accept someone else’s point of view, and the inability to objectively assess the interaction situation. Misunderstandings and grievances arise that give rise to verbal aggression - swearing, insults, threats. Younger schoolchildren have a basic level of self-control and are able to suppress aggression as a way of expressing resentment, displeasure, and fear.

At the same time, they actively use it to protect their interests and defend their point of view. Gender characteristics of aggressiveness begin to be determined. The boys act openly, use physical force - they fight, trip them, “snap” them on the forehead. Girls choose indirect and verbal methods - ridicule, giving nicknames, gossip, ignoring, silence. Representatives of both sexes show signs of low self-esteem and depression.

In adolescence, aggression arises as a result of hormonal changes and the accompanying emotional lability and complication of social contacts. There is a need to prove your importance, strength, and relevance. Aggression is either suppressed, replaced by productive activities, or takes extreme forms - boys and girls fight, injure opponents, and attempt suicide.

Complications

Frequent aggressiveness, reinforced by upbringing and a dysfunctional family environment, is fixed in the child’s personality traits. By adolescence, character traits are formed based on anger, bitterness, and resentment. Accentuations and psychopathy develop - personality disorders with a predominance of aggression. The risk of social maladjustment, deviant behavior, and crime increases. When self-aggression occurs, children harm themselves and attempt suicide.

Diagnostics

Diagnosis of aggressive behavior in children is relevant when the frequency and severity of manifestations are excessive. The decision to see a psychiatrist or psychologist is made by parents independently or after the recommendation of teachers. The basis of the diagnostic process is the clinical conversation. The doctor listens to complaints, finds out the medical history, and additionally studies characteristics from the kindergarten and school. Objective research includes the use of special psychodiagnostic methods:

Questionnaires, observation. Parents and teachers are asked to answer a number of questions/statements about the characteristics of the child’s behavior. Observation is carried out according to a scheme that includes a number of criteria. The results make it possible to establish the form of aggression, its severity, and causes.
Personality questionnaires. Used to examine adolescents. They identify the presence of aggressiveness in the general structure of the personality and ways to compensate for it. Common methods are the Leonhard-Smishek questionnaire, the pathocharacterological diagnostic questionnaire (Lichko).
Drawing tests. The severity of symptoms, causes, and unconscious emotions are determined by the features of the drawings. The tests used are Non-existent animal, Cactus, Human.
Interpretive tests. They belong to projective methods, they reveal the unconscious, hidden experiences of the child. The examination is carried out using the Rosenzweig Frustration Reactions Test, Hand-test (hand test).

Treatment of aggressive behavior in children

If aggression is severe, correction by psychotherapy methods is required. The use of medications is justified when anger, impulsivity, and bitterness are symptoms of a mental disorder (psychopathy, acute psychosis). It is impossible to cure aggressiveness forever; it will arise in a child in certain life situations. The task of psychologists and psychotherapists is to help resolve personal problems, teach adequate ways to express feelings and resolve conflict situations. Common correction methods include:

. Presented with express methods of safe expression of aggression. The child is encouraged to throw out anger, irritation, anger without harm to others. Games with a ball, bulk materials, water, and “leaves of anger” are used.
Communication trainings. Group work allows the child to develop effective communication strategies, ways of expressing emotions, defending his position without harming others. Children receive feedback (reactions of participants), analyze successes and mistakes with a psychotherapist.
Relaxation activities. Aimed at reducing anxiety and emotional tension - factors that increase the risk of outbursts of aggressiveness. Children learn to restore deep breathing, achieve muscle relaxation, and switch attention.

Prognosis and prevention

Aggressive behavior of children is successfully corrected with the joint efforts of parents, teachers, and psychologists. The prognosis is favorable in most cases. To prevent the consolidation of aggression as the preferred method of interaction, it is necessary to adhere to a harmonious parenting style, demonstrate ways to resolve conflicts peacefully, treat the child with respect, and allow expressions of anger in a safe form. Don't focus on minor aggressive behavior. When discussing manifestations of aggressiveness, it is important to talk about actions, but not about personal qualities (“you acted cruelly”, not “you are cruel”).

Often, parents notice what they think is aggressive behavior in a child aged 5–6 years. It can manifest itself in different ways, for example, in excessive touchiness, a tendency to quarrel with adults and children, and intemperance. The task of the parent of such a child is to understand the reason for his aggressiveness and reduce such behavior to nothing.

However, first of all, you need to understand what the concept of “child aggression” is? How is it different from ordinary anger, which every person experiences from time to time? How to recognize aggressive behavior in children? BrainApps will answer these and many other questions.

What is aggressiveness?

The word "aggression" is of Latin origin and literally means "attack." Aggression in children is not uncommon, but adults are also susceptible to similar behavior. Its main problem is an acute contradiction to the norms established in society. Aggressive behavior causes psychological discomfort in others and often causes physical, moral and material damage. The aggressiveness of children is something that cannot be tolerated, because the behavior of young children can be controlled, but as they grow up, aggressive child turns into an aggressive adult and poses a threat to others.

How can you tell if your child is aggressive?

He often behaves unrestrainedly, does not know how or does not want to control himself. In some cases, an aggressive child tries to control his emotions, but nothing works.
Likes to spoil things, gets pleasure when he breaks or destroys something, for example, toys.
Constantly gets into arguments with peers and adults, swears.
Refuses to comply with requests and instructions, knows the rules, but does not want to adhere to them.
Commits acts out of spite, deliberately trying to provoke a negative reaction in the people around him: irritation, anger.
He does not know how to admit mistakes and offenses; he makes excuses until the last moment or shifts the blame onto others.
The child remembers insults for a long time and always seeks revenge. There is excessive envy.

Please note that children, especially those aged 5-6 years, have bouts of disobedience. Anger caused by a serious reason, such as resentment or unfair punishment, is an absolutely normal reaction. You should only sound the alarm if you have been regularly noticing at least 4 of the listed signs in your children’s behavior for more than six months.

Reasons why aggression occurs in young children:

Aggression in young children can be caused by problems in the family.

Most of the reasons for a young child's abnormal behavior must be sought in his environment. The environment in which children grow and develop is of great importance in the development of personality. Children form their own behavior based on the behavior of loved ones, that is, parents and relatives.

A common reason why children behave aggressively is a tense environment at home. It is not necessary to show aggression towards children; it is enough for parents to often quarrel among themselves. If a child sees aggression from his parents, is present during altercations, or hears screams, this cannot but affect his emotional state.

Quite a few 5-6 year old children form their own behavior patterns by looking at their parents. If mom or dad exhibits aggressive behavior outside the home, for example, in a store or clinic, this can cause children to become aggressive.

Aggression in children caused by socio-biological reasons

As we have already said, aggression in children aged 5 years old appears due to the environment in which he grows up, so aggressive behavior can be caused by misunderstandings. What do parents talk about among themselves when they think that the child does not hear or does not understand? What views on life do they hold and how are they voiced? Let's say mom or dad express disdain or hostility towards people who earn little money.

In such families, young children are aggressive towards, for example, peers who have shabby clothes or old, cheap toys. For the same reason, children 5 years old can show aggression, for example, towards the cleaning lady in kindergarten or on the street.

Aggressive behavior in children as a consequence of lack of attention.

When a small child shows aggression, the reason for this behavior may be a banal attraction of attention. If parents do not spend enough time with their child and are indifferent to his achievements and successes, this often becomes the cause of deep resentment in children and, as a result, aggression.

How less for a child pay attention, the more likely it is that he will begin to show signs of aggression. There is a fairly clear connection between lack of attention and lack of education. Perhaps the child was simply not explained how to behave with adults and peers? A 5-6 year old child does not yet understand how to behave in society if his parents do not help him, he chooses a model of behavior intuitively and does not always do it correctly.

It is very important that parenting for children aged 5 is consistent and unified. Parents should have the same views on education. When mom and dad cannot agree on the upbringing and behavior of children, everyone pulls the blanket over themselves, and as a result, the children get confused. Ultimately, this results in a lack of education and aggression in children.

Another common reason for aggressive behavior in children in the family is the presence of a favorite among their parents. For example, my mother is constantly strict, forces her to follow the rules, help her around the house, and often scolds her. Dad, on the contrary, behaves kindly with the child, gives gifts, and allows a lot. Children aged 5–6 years are already able to choose a favorite among their parents. If parents suddenly start to quarrel, the child will most likely show aggression towards the less beloved parent, defending the favorite.

Aggression in children caused by personal reasons

Sometimes an aggressive child will show signs of being unstable, unstable psycho-emotional state. There can be quite a few reasons.

In some cases, the reason for such aggressive behavior is the presence of fears. The child is tormented by a feeling of anxiety, tormented by fears and nightmares. The aggressiveness of children in this case is just a defensive reaction.

If parents have not instilled in the child a sense of self-respect, a child under 6-7 years of age may express dissatisfaction with himself and his own behavior through aggression. Such children perceive failures acutely, cannot come to terms with them, and often do not like themselves. Such an aggressive child experiences negative emotions towards himself, and at the same time towards the world around him.

The reason for aggression at 5-6 years old may be a banal feeling of guilt. The kid has unfairly offended or hit someone, he is ashamed, but for some reason he cannot admit his mistake. As a rule, this is excessive pride and an inability to admit one’s mistakes. By the way, parents should teach this skill to the child. Often the aggressiveness of such children is even directed towards children towards whom they feel guilty.

Aggression in children caused by physical health problems.

The causes of aggression do not always lie in psychological state child and his environment. Aggression and aggressiveness are often associated with somatic diseases, for example, with disorders of the brain. They can be caused by severe head injuries, infections, and intoxication.

Remember, if aggressive behavior began to appear after a traumatic brain injury, for example, after a concussion, the cause of aggression may be precisely this injury.

Sometimes the cause of aggressive behavior in children 5–6 years old is heredity. Often, the parents of a 5-6 year old child who shows aggression abused alcohol, narcotic and psychotropic substances before conception.

Could the cause of children's aggressiveness lie in their passion for video games?

Scientists have been arguing for quite some time about whether the cause of aggressive behavior can be a passion for violent computer games. In fact, games themselves rarely cause aggression. Involvement in games with a lot of violence and cruelty is more likely a consequence of aggressive behavior. Of course, such games affect the human brain, making him less compassionate, but this is not enough to turn a peaceful, obedient child into an aggressive one.

How to deal with a 5-7 year old child who is showing aggression?

If you notice aggression in the behavior of a child under the age of 6–7 years, and then were able to identify the reason for this behavior, you need to learn how to behave correctly. Child psychologists and teachers have developed a whole list of recommendations on how to behave correctly with an aggressive child. These rules will not only prevent children’s behavior from getting worse, but also correct it.

1. Don’t react to minor aggression from children.

If children show aggression, but you understand that it is harmless and caused by objective reasons, it is most reasonable to behave as follows:

pretend not to notice the aggressive behavior;
show that you understand children's feelings, say the phrase: “I understand that you are unpleasant and offended”;
try to switch the child’s attention to an object far from the object of aggression, offer to do something else, play.

The aggression of children, and adults, can accumulate, so sometimes you just need to listen carefully to what the child wants to convey to you. In addition, do not forget that a child aged 5–6 years critically needs the attention of an adult, which means ignoring is a powerful and effective way to correct behavior.

2. Assess your child's behavior, not his personality.

Stay calm and speak in a firm, friendly voice. It is important for you to show your child that you are not against him, but against his aggressive behavior. Do not emphasize that similar behavior has already been repeated. Use the following phrases:

“I don’t like you talking to me like that” - you show your feelings;
"Do you want to hurt me?" – you show what aggressive behavior leads to;
“You are behaving aggressively” is a statement of incorrect behavior;
“You are not behaving according to the rules” is a reminder that aggressive behavior leads to violation of the rules.

After attacks of aggressive behavior, you need to talk to children. Your task is to show that aggression harms the child himself most of all. Be sure to discuss behavior and aggression, try to imagine with your child how it would be better to act in such a situation.

3. Keep your own negative emotions under control

Aggressive behavior in children is unpleasant. Children's aggression can manifest itself in screams, tears, swearing, and it would seem that the natural reaction of an adult to disrespectful treatment is retaliatory aggression. Just don’t forget that you are an adult who is able to control your own emotions.

If a child at 5-7 years old shows aggression, try to remain calm and friendly. Your goal is harmony in the family, a calm, obedient child, and this is not possible without establishing partnerships between children or parents. Therefore, do not raise your voice, do not shout, control your own gestures. Clenching your jaw, clenched fists, and a frown are signs of aggression that should be avoided when interacting with children. In addition, avoid making value judgments about the personality of the child and his friends, do not try to lecture, and of course, do not use physical force.

4. Take care of your child's reputation

Aggression in children often leads to moments when it is difficult for children to admit that they are wrong. It may seem that a child of 5 years old is small and does not yet understand anything, but this is a sufficient age to feel the desire to maintain a reputation. Even if the child is wrong, try not to condemn him publicly, and do not show others your negative attitude. Public shaming is not very effective and will most likely lead to even more aggressive behavior.

Also, learn to make concessions. When you have found out the reason for aggressive behavior, offer your child a compromise way out of the situation; when raising children 5–6 years old, this is the best option. In this case, the child does not feel the need to completely obey, he obeys “in his own way,” which will more likely help resolve the conflict.

5. Choose the kind of behavior that you expect from your children.

You should always remember that when children 5 years old show aggression, you must overcome yourself and, no matter what you feel, show a non-aggressive behavior pattern. When children display aggressive behavior, pause, do not argue, and do not interrupt. Remember that sometimes children need some alone time in moments of aggression to calm down. Give your child this time. And most importantly, express calm with your gestures, facial expressions, and voice.

We have already said that children tend to adopt the behavior of their parents. Friendliness and non-aggression are inherent in children by nature, so they quickly adopt a non-aggressive model of behavior from their parents.

If you adhere to the listed rules, sooner or later it will help overcome aggressive behavior in children. You, however, can speed up the process and help a 5-6 year old child get rid of aggression more quickly. For example, children's aggression in some cases is eliminated by physical activity. Give your child to sports section so that he splashes out excess energy. If you notice the beginnings of aggressive behavior in children, ask them to talk about their feelings, offer to draw emotions or model them out of plasticine. This will somewhat distract the child from anger and, perhaps, reveal some talent in him.

Thus, to summarize, we can say: the most important thing when signs of aggression appear in children is to remain calm, to be an understanding parent who seeks compromises.

What is aggressiveness?

The word "aggression" comes from the Latin "agressio", which means "attack", "attack". The psychological dictionary provides the following definition of this term: “Aggression is motivated destructive behavior that contradicts the norms and rules of the existence of people in society, harming the objects of attack (animate and inanimate), causing physical and moral harm to people or causing them psychological discomfort (negative experiences, a state of tension, fear, depression, etc.)".

Reasons for aggression Children can be very different. Some somatic diseases or brain diseases contribute to the emergence of aggressive qualities. It should be noted that upbringing in the family plays a huge role, from the first days of a child’s life. Sociologist M. Mead has proven that in cases where a child is abruptly weaned and communication with the mother is reduced to a minimum, children develop such qualities as anxiety, suspicion, cruelty, aggressiveness, and selfishness. And vice versa, when there is gentleness in communication with a child, the child is surrounded by care and attention, these qualities are not developed.

The development of aggressive behavior is greatly influenced by the nature of the punishments that parents usually use in response to the manifestation of anger in their child. In such situations, two polar methods of influence can be used: either leniency or severity. Paradoxically, aggressive children are equally common in parents who are too lenient and those who are overly strict.

Research has shown that parents who sharply suppress aggressiveness in their children, contrary to their expectations, do not eliminate this quality, but, on the contrary, cultivate it, developing excessive aggressiveness in their son or daughter, which will manifest itself even in the future. mature years. After all, everyone knows that evil only begets evil, and aggression begets aggression.
If parents do not pay any attention to the aggressive reactions of their child, then he very soon begins to believe that such behavior is permissible, and single outbursts of anger imperceptibly develop into the habit of acting aggressively.

Only parents who know how to find a reasonable compromise, a “golden mean,” can teach their children to cope with aggression.

Portrait of an aggressive child

In almost every kindergarten group, in every class, there is at least one child with signs of aggressive behavior. He attacks other children, calls them names and beats them, takes away and breaks toys, deliberately uses rude expressions, in a word, becomes a “thunderstorm” for the entire children’s group, a source of grief for teachers and parents. This rough, pugnacious, rude child is very difficult to accept as he is, and even more difficult to understand.

However, an aggressive child, like any other, needs affection and help from adults, because his aggression is, first of all, a reflection of internal discomfort, the inability to adequately respond to events happening around him.

An aggressive child often feels rejected and unwanted. The cruelty and indifference of parents leads to a breakdown in the child-parent relationship and instills in the child’s soul the confidence that he is not loved. “How to become loved and needed” is an insoluble problem facing a little man. So he is looking for ways to attract the attention of adults and peers. Unfortunately, these searches do not always end as we and the child would like, but he does not know how to do better.

This is how N.L. describes it. Kryazheva’s behavior of these children: “An aggressive child, using every opportunity, ... seeks to anger his mother, teacher, and peers. He “does not calm down” until the adults explode and the children get into a fight” (1997, p. 105).

Parents and teachers do not always understand what the child is trying to achieve and why he behaves this way, although he knows in advance that he may receive rebuff from children, and punishment from adults. In reality, this is sometimes just a desperate attempt to win one’s “place in the sun.” The child has no idea how else to fight for survival in this strange and cruel world, how to protect himself.

Aggressive children are very often suspicious and wary, they like to shift the blame for the quarrel they started onto others. For example, while playing in the sandbox during a walk, two children preparatory group got into a fight. Roma hit Sasha with a shovel. When asked by the teacher why he did this, Roma sincerely answered: “Sasha had a shovel in his hands, and I was very afraid that he would hit me.” According to the teacher, Sasha did not show any intentions to offend or hit Roma, but Roma perceived this situation as threatening.

Such children often cannot assess their own aggressiveness. They do not notice that they instill fear and anxiety in those around them. On the contrary, it seems to them that the whole world wants to offend them. Thus, a vicious circle results: aggressive children fear and hate those around them, and those, in turn, fear them.

At the Doverie PPMS center in the city of Lomonosov, a mini-survey was conducted among older preschoolers, the purpose of which was to find out how they understand aggressiveness. Here are the answers given by aggressive and non-aggressive children (Table 4).

The emotional world of aggressive children is not rich enough; their palette of feelings is dominated by gloomy tones, and the number of reactions even to standard situations is very limited. Most often these are defensive reactions. In addition, children cannot look at themselves from the outside and adequately evaluate their behavior.

Table 4. Understanding of aggression by older preschoolers

Question	Responses from aggressive children	Responses from non-aggressive children
1. Which people do you consider aggressive?	Mom and dad, because they swear, beat, fight (50% of children surveyed)	Indians, bandits, hunters, because they kill people and animals (63% boys, 80% girls)
2. What would you do if you met an aggressive adult?	Started to fight”, “I would hit” (83% of boys, 27% of girls), “I would splash, get dirty” (36% of girls)	I just passed by and turned away" (83% of boys, 40% of girls), "I would call my friends for help" (50% of girls)
3. What would you do if you met an aggressive boy (girl)?	I would fight" (92% of boys, 54% of girls), "I would run away" (36% of girls)	I would leave, run away" (83% boys, 50% girls)
4. Do you consider yourself aggressive?	“No” - 88% of boys, 54% of girls “Yes” - 12% of boys, 46% of girls	“No” 92% of boys, 100% of girls. "Yes" - 8% of boys

Thus, children often adopt aggressive forms of behavior from their parents.

How to identify an aggressive child

Aggressive children need understanding and support from adults, so our main task is not to make an “accurate” diagnosis, much less “give a label,” but to provide feasible and timely assistance to the child.

As a rule, it is not difficult for educators and teachers to determine which of the children has a higher level of aggressiveness. But in controversial cases, you can use the criteria for determining aggressiveness, which were developed by American psychologists M. Alvord and P. Baker.

Aggression criteria (child observation scheme)
Child:

Often loses control of himself.
Often argues and quarrels with adults.
Often refuses to follow rules.
Often deliberately annoys people.
Often blames others for his mistakes.
Often gets angry and refuses to do anything.
Often envious and vindictive.
He is sensitive, reacts very quickly to various actions of others (children and adults), which often irritate him.

It can be assumed that a child is aggressive only if at least 4 of the 8 listed signs have been manifested in his behavior for at least 6 months.

A child whose behavior is observed a large number of signs of aggressiveness, the help of a specialist is needed: a psychologist or a doctor.

In addition, in order to identify aggressiveness in a child in a kindergarten group or in a classroom, you can use a special questionnaire developed for educators (Lavrentieva G.P., Titarenko T.M., 1992).

Criteria for aggressiveness in a child (questionnaire)

At times it seems that he is possessed by an evil spirit.
He cannot remain silent when he is dissatisfied with something.
When someone does him harm, he always tries to repay the same.
Sometimes he feels like cursing for no reason.
It happens that he takes pleasure in breaking toys, smashing something, gutting something.
Sometimes he insists on something so much that those around him lose patience.
He doesn't mind teasing animals.
It's hard to argue with him.
He gets very angry when he thinks that someone is making fun of him.
Sometimes he has a desire to do something bad, shocking those around him.
In response to ordinary orders, he strives to do the opposite.
Often grouchy beyond his age.
Perceives himself as independent and decisive.
Likes to be the first, to command, to subjugate others.
Failures cause him great irritation and a desire to find someone to blame.
He quarrels easily and gets into fights.
Tries to communicate with younger and physically weaker people.
He often has bouts of gloomy irritability.
Doesn't take into account peers, doesn't yield, doesn't share.
I am confident that he will complete any task to the best of his ability.

A positive answer to each proposed statement is scored 1 point.
High aggressiveness - 15-20 points.
Average aggressiveness -7-14 points.
Low aggressiveness -1-6 points.

We present these criteria so that the educator or teacher, having identified an aggressive child, can subsequently develop his own strategy of behavior with him and help him adapt to the children's team.

How to help an aggressive child

Why do you think children fight, bite and push, and sometimes in response to any, even friendly, treatment they “explode” and rage?

There can be many reasons for this behavior. But often children do exactly this because they don’t know how to do otherwise. Unfortunately, their behavioral repertoire is quite meager, and if we give them the opportunity to choose ways of behavior, children will gladly respond to the offer, and our communication with them will become more effective and enjoyable for both parties.

This advice (providing a choice in how to interact) is especially relevant when it comes to aggressive children. Job educators and teachers with this category of children should be carried out in three directions:

Working with anger. Teaching aggressive children acceptable ways to express anger.
Teaching children the skills of recognition and control, the ability to control themselves in situations that provoke outbursts of anger.
Formation of the ability to empathy, trust, sympathy, empathy, etc.

Dealing with anger

What is anger? This is a feeling of intense resentment, which is accompanied by a loss of control over oneself. Unfortunately, in our culture, it is generally accepted that expressing anger is an undignified reaction. Already in childhood This idea is instilled in us by adults - parents, grandparents, teachers. However, psychologists do not recommend holding back this emotion every time, since in this way we can become a kind of “piggy bank of anger.” In addition, having driven anger inside, a person will most likely sooner or later feel the need to throw it out. But not on the one who caused this feeling, but on the one “who turned up at hand” or on the one who is weaker and cannot fight back. Even if we try very hard and do not succumb to the seductive way of “erupting” anger, our “piggy bank,” replenished day by day with new negative emotions, may one day “burst.” Moreover, this does not necessarily end in hysterics and screams. Negative feelings that are released can “settle” inside us, which will lead to various somatic problems: headaches, stomach and cardiovascular diseases. K. Izard (1999) publishes clinical data obtained by Holt, which indicates that a person who constantly suppresses his anger is more at risk of psychosomatic disorders. According to Holt, unexpressed anger can be one of the causes of diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, urticaria, psoriasis, stomach ulcers, migraines, hypertension, etc.

That is why one must free oneself from anger. Of course, this does not mean that everyone is allowed to fight and bite. We just have to learn ourselves and teach our children how to express anger in acceptable, non-destructive ways.
Since the feeling of anger most often arises as a result of restriction of freedom, then at the moment of the highest “intensity of passions” it is necessary to allow the child to do something that, perhaps, is not usually welcomed by us. Moreover, much depends on the form in which - verbal or physical - the child expresses his anger.

For example, in a situation where a child is angry with a peer and calls him names, you can draw the offender together with him, depict him in the form and in the situation in which the “offended” person wants. If the child knows how to write, you can let him sign the drawing the way he wants, if he doesn’t know how, you can sign it under his dictation. Of course, such work should be carried out one on one with the child, out of sight of the opponent.

This method of working with verbal aggression is recommended by V. Oklender. In her book “Windows into the World of a Child” (M., 1997) she describes her own experience of using this approach. After this work, the children preschool age(6-7 years) usually experience relief.

True, in our society such “free” communication is not encouraged, especially the use of swear words and expressions by children in the presence of adults. But as practice shows, without expressing everything that has accumulated in the soul and on the tongue, the child will not calm down. Most likely, he will shout insults in the face of his “enemy,” provoking him to respond to abuse and attracting more and more “spectators.” As a result, the conflict between two children will escalate into a group-wide or even violent fight.

Perhaps a child who is not satisfied with the current situation, who is afraid for one reason or another to enter into open opposition, but nevertheless thirsts for revenge, will choose another path: he will persuade his peers not to play with the offender. This behavior works like a time bomb. A group conflict will inevitably flare up, only it will “mature” longer and will involve large quantity participants. The method proposed by V. Oaklander can help avoid many troubles and will help resolve the conflict situation.

Example
The preparatory group of the kindergarten was attended by two friends - two Alenas: Alena S. and Alena E. They were inseparable from nursery group but, nevertheless, they argued endlessly and even fought. One day, when a psychologist came into the group, he saw that Alena S., not listening to the teacher who was trying to calm her down, was throwing everything that came to her hand and shouting that she hated everyone. The arrival of the psychologist could not have come at a more opportune time. Alena S., who really loved going into the psychological office, “allowed herself to be taken away.”
In the psychologist's office, she was given the opportunity to choose her own activity. First, she took a huge inflatable hammer and began to hit the walls and floor with all her might, then she pulled out two rattles from the toy box and began to rattle them with delight. Alena did not answer the psychologist’s questions about what happened and who she was angry with, but she gladly agreed to the offer to draw together. The psychologist drew a big house, and the girl exclaimed: “I know, this is our kindergarten!”

No further help from an adult was needed: Alena began to draw and explain her drawings. First, a sandbox appeared in which small figures were located - the children of the group. Nearby there was a flower bed with flowers, a house, and a gazebo. The girl drew more and more small details, as if delaying the moment when she would have to draw something important for her. After some time, she drew a swing and said: “That’s it. I don’t want to draw anymore.” However, after hanging around the office, she again went to the sheet and drew a picture of a very small girl on a swing. When the psychologist asked who it was, Alena first answered that she didn’t know herself, but then added, after thinking: “It’s Alena E.. Let her go for a ride. I let her.” Then she spent a long time coloring her rival’s dress, first drew a bow in her hair, and then even a crown on her head, while explaining how good and kind Alena E. is. But then the artist suddenly stopped and gasped: “Ah!!! Alena fell from the swing! What will happen now? She got her dress dirty! (The dress is painted over with a black pencil with such pressure that even the paper can’t stand it, it tears). Mom and Dad they will scold her today, and maybe even beat her with a belt and put her in a corner. The crown fell off and rolled into the bushes (the painted golden crown suffers the same fate as the dress). Ugh, her face is dirty, her nose is broken (everything is painted over with a red pencil). face), her hair is disheveled (instead of a neat braid with a bow, a halo of black scribbles appears in the picture). Just think, who’s going to play with her now? There’s no need for her to give orders! I also know how to command. Now let him go wash himself, and we’re not as dirty as she is, we’ll all play together, without her.” Alena, completely satisfied, draws next to the defeated enemy a group of children surrounding the swing on which she, Alena S., is sitting. Then suddenly she draws another figure next to it. “This is Alena E.. She has already washed up,” she explains and asks, “Can I go to the group already?” Returning to the playroom, Alena S., as if nothing had happened, joins the playing guys. What happened in really? Probably, during the walk, the two inseparable Alenas, as always, were fighting for leadership. This time, the sympathies of the “spectators” were on the side of Alena E. Having expressed her anger on paper, her rival calmed down and came to terms with what was happening.

Of course, in this situation it was possible to use another technique, the main thing is that the child had the opportunity to free himself from the overwhelming anger in an acceptable way.

Another way to help children legally express verbal aggression is to play a game of name calling with them. Experience shows that children who have the opportunity to throw out negative emotions with the permission of the teacher, and after this hear something pleasant about themselves, the desire to act aggressively decreases.

The so-called “Scream Bag” (in other cases - “Scream Cup”, “Magic Scream Pipe”, etc.) can help children express anger in an accessible way, and the teacher can help conduct the lesson without hindrance. Before the start of the lesson, each child can go up to the “Scream Bag” and scream into it as loudly as possible. In this way he “gets rid” of his screaming for the duration of the lesson. After the lesson, children can “take back” their cry. Usually at the end of the lesson, the children leave the contents of the “Bag” with jokes and laughter for the teacher as a souvenir.

Every teacher, of course, has many ways of working with verbal manifestations of anger. We have listed only those that have proven effective in our practice. However, children are not always limited to a verbal (verbal) reaction to events. Very often, impulsive children first use their fists, and only then come up with offensive words. In such cases, we should also teach children how to cope with their physical aggression.

An educator or teacher, seeing that the children have “grown up” and are ready to enter into a “fight,” can instantly react and organize, for example, sports competitions in running, jumping, and throwing balls. Moreover, the offenders can be included in one team or be on rival teams. It depends on the situation and the depth of the conflict. At the end of the competition, it is best to have a group discussion during which each child can express the feelings that accompany him while completing the task.

Of course, holding competitions and relay races is not always advisable. In this case, you can use the available tools that need to be equipped for each kindergarten group and each class. Light balls that a child can throw at a target; soft pillows that an angry child can kick and hit; rubber hammers that can be used to hit the wall and floor with all your might; newspapers that can be crumpled and thrown without fear of breaking or destroying anything - all these items can help reduce emotional and muscle tension if we teach children to use them in extreme situations.

It is clear that in a classroom during a lesson a child cannot kick a tin can if he was pushed by a neighbor on his desk. But each student can create, for example, a “Sheet of Anger” (Fig. 2). Usually it is a format sheet depicting some funny monster with a huge trunk, long ears or eight legs (at the author's discretion). The owner of the leaf, at the moment of greatest emotional stress, can crush it and tear it. This option is suitable if the child has a fit of anger during a lesson.

However, most often conflict situations arise during breaks. Then you can play group games with the children (some of them are described in the section “How to play with aggressive children”). Well, in a kindergarten group it is advisable to have approximately the following arsenal of toys: inflatable dolls, rubber hammers, toy weapons.

True, many adults do not want their children to play with pistols, rifles and sabers, even toy ones. Some mothers do not buy their sons weapons at all, and teachers prohibit them from bringing them to the group. Adults think that playing with weapons provokes children into aggressive behavior and contributes to the emergence and manifestation of cruelty.

However, it’s no secret that even if boys don’t have pistols and machine guns, most of them will still play war, using rulers, sticks, clubs, and tennis rackets instead of toy weapons. The image of a male warrior, living in the imagination of every boy, is impossible without the weapons that adorn him. Therefore, from century to century, from year to year, our children (and not always only boys) play war. And who knows, maybe this is a harmless way to vent your anger. In addition, everyone knows that the forbidden fruit is especially sweet. By persistently prohibiting games with weapons, we thereby help to arouse interest in this type of game. Well, we can advise those parents who are still against pistols, machine guns, and bayonets: let them try to offer their child a worthy alternative. Maybe it will work! Moreover, there are many ways to work with anger and relieve a child’s physical stress. For example, playing with sand, water, clay.

You can make a figurine of your offender from clay (or you can even scratch his name with something sharp), break it, crush it, flatten it between your palms, and then restore it if desired. Moreover, it is precisely the fact that a child, at his own request, can destroy and restore his work that attracts children most of all.

Children also really like playing with sand, as well as with clay. Having become angry with someone, a child can bury a figurine symbolizing the enemy deep in the sand, jump in this place, pour water into it, and cover it with cubes and sticks. For this purpose, children often use small toys from Kinder Surprises. Moreover, sometimes they first place the figurine in a capsule and only then bury it.

By burying and digging up toys, working with loose sand, the child gradually calms down, returns to playing in a group or invites peers to play sand with him, but in other, not at all aggressive games. Thus the world is restored.

Small pools of water placed in a kindergarten group are a real godsend for a teacher when working with all categories of children, especially aggressive ones.
Many good books have been written about the psychotherapeutic properties of water, and every adult probably knows how to use water to relieve aggression and excessive tension in children. Here are some examples playing with water , which were invented by the children themselves.

Use one rubber ball to knock down other balls floating on the water.
Blow a boat out of a pipe. First, sink it, and then watch how a light plastic figure “jumps” out of the water.
Use a stream of water to knock down light toys that are in the water (for this you can use shampoo bottles filled with water).

We looked at the first direction in working with aggressive children, which can roughly be called “working with anger.” I would like to note that anger does not necessarily lead to aggression, but the more often a child or adult experiences feelings of anger, the higher the likelihood of manifestation various forms aggressive behavior.

Training in recognizing and controlling negative emotions
The next very responsible and no less important area is teaching the skills of recognizing and controlling negative emotions. An aggressive child does not always admit that he is aggressive. Moreover, deep down in his soul he is sure of the opposite: everyone around him is aggressive. Unfortunately, such children cannot always adequately assess their condition, much less the condition of those around them.
As noted above, the emotional world of aggressive children is very scarce. They can hardly name just a few basic emotional states, and they don’t even imagine the existence of others (or their shades). It is not difficult to guess that in this case it is difficult for children to recognize their own and other people's emotions.

To train the skill of recognizing emotional states, you can use cut-out templates, sketches by M.I. Chistyakova (1990), exercises and games developed by N.L. Kryazheva (1997), as well as large tables and posters depicting various emotional states.

In a group or class where such a poster is located, children will definitely come up to it before the start of classes and indicate their condition, even if the teacher does not ask them to do so, since each of them is pleased to draw the attention of an adult to themselves.

You can teach children to carry out the reverse procedure: they themselves can come up with the names of the emotional states depicted on the poster. Children must indicate what mood the funny people are in.

Another way to teach a child to recognize his emotional state and develop the need to talk about it is through drawing. Children can be asked to make drawings on the topics: “When I am angry”, “When I am happy”, “When I am happy”, etc. To this end, place on an easel (or simply on a large sheet on the wall) pre-drawn figures of people depicted in various situations, but without drawn faces. Then the child can, if desired, come up and complete the drawing.

In order for children to be able to correctly assess their condition, and at the right time to manage it, it is necessary to teach each child to understand himself, and, above all, the sensations of his body. First, you can practice in front of a mirror: let the child say what mood he is in at the moment and how he feels. Children are very sensitive to the signals of their body and easily describe them. For example, if a child is angry, he most often defines his condition as follows: “My heart is pounding, my stomach is tickling, I want to scream in my throat, my fingers feel like needles are pricking me, my cheeks are hot, my palms are itching, etc.”

We can teach children to accurately assess their emotional state, and therefore, respond in a timely manner to the signals that the body gives us. The director of the film "Denis the Menace" Dave Rogers many times throughout the action draws the audience's attention to the hidden signal that the main character film - six-year-old Denis. Every time, before the boy gets into trouble, we see his restless running fingers, which the cameraman shows in close-up. Then we see the child’s “burning” eyes, and only after this does another prank follow.

Thus, the child, if he correctly “deciphers” the message of his body, will be able to understand: “My condition is close to critical. Wait for the storm.” And if the child also knows several acceptable ways to express anger, he can have time to accept correct solution, thereby preventing conflict.

Of course, teaching a child to recognize and manage his emotional state will be successful only if it is carried out systematically, day after day, for quite a long time.

In addition to the methods of work already described, the teacher can use others: talking with the child, drawing and, of course, playing. The section “How to play with aggressive children” describes games recommended in such situations, but I would like to talk about one of them in more detail.

We first became acquainted with this game by reading K. Fopel’s book “How to teach children to cooperate” (M., 1998). It's called "Pebble in a Shoe." At first, the game seemed to us quite difficult for preschoolers, and we offered it to teachers of grades 1 - 2 to conduct during extracurricular activities. However, having felt the interest of the guys and serious attitude to the game, we tried to play it in kindergarten. I liked the game. Moreover, very soon it moved from the category of games to the category of daily rituals, the implementation of which became absolutely necessary for the successful course of life in the group.

It is useful to play this game when one of the children is offended, angry, upset, when internal experiences prevent the child from doing something, when a conflict is brewing in the group. Each participant has the opportunity to verbalize, that is, express in words, their state during the game, and communicate it to others. This helps reduce his emotional stress. If there are several instigators of an impending conflict, they will be able to hear about each other’s feelings and experiences, which may help smooth out the situation.

The game takes place in two stages.

Stage 1 (preparatory). Children sit in a circle on the carpet. The teacher asks: “Guys, has it ever happened that a pebble got into your shoe?” Usually children answer the question very actively, since almost every child 6-7 years old has a similar life experience. In a circle, everyone shares their impressions of how this happened. As a rule, the answers boil down to the following: “At first the pebble doesn’t really bother us, we try to move it away, find a comfortable position for the leg, but pain and discomfort gradually increases, a wound or callus may even appear. And then, even if we really don’t want to, we "We have to take off the shoe and shake out the pebble. It is almost always very tiny, and we are even surprised how such a small object could cause us such great pain. It seemed to us that there was a huge stone with sharp edges like a razor blade."

Next, the teacher asks the children: “Has it ever happened that you never shook out a pebble, but when you came home, you simply took off your shoes?” The children answer that this has already happened to many people. Then the pain in the leg freed from the shoe subsided, the incident was forgotten. But the next morning, putting our foot into the shoe, we suddenly felt a sharp pain when we came into contact with the ill-fated pebble. Pain, more intense than the day before, resentment, anger - these are the feelings children usually experience. So a small problem becomes a big nuisance.

Stage 2. The teacher tells the children: “When we are angry, preoccupied with something, excited, we perceive it as a small pebble in a shoe. If we immediately feel discomfort and pull it out of there, then the foot will remain unharmed. And if we leave the pebble in place, then We will most likely have problems, and quite a lot of them. Therefore, it is useful for all people - both adults and children - to talk about their problems as soon as they notice them.

Let's agree: if one of you says: “I have a pebble in my shoe,” we will all immediately understand that something is bothering you, and we can talk about it. Think about whether you now feel any displeasure, something that would bother you. If you feel it, tell us, for example: “I have a pebble in my shoe. I don’t like that Oleg breaks my buildings made of cubes.” Tell me what else you don't like. If nothing bothers you, you can say: “I don’t have a pebble in my shoe.”

In a circle, children tell what is bothering them at the moment and describe their feelings. It is useful to discuss individual “pebbles” that children will talk about in a circle. In this case, each participant in the game offers a peer who is in a difficult situation a way to get rid of the “pebble.”

After playing this game several times, children subsequently feel the need to talk about their problems. In addition, the game helps the teacher to carry out the educational process smoothly. After all, if children are worried about something, this “something” will not allow them to sit calmly in class and absorb the information. If the children get the opportunity to speak out and “let off steam,” then they can calmly begin their studies. The game "Pebble in a Shoe" is especially useful for anxious children. Firstly, if you play it every day, even very shy child will get used to it and gradually begin to talk about its difficulties (since this is not a new or dangerous, but a familiar and repetitive activity). Secondly, an anxious child, listening to stories about the problems of his peers, will understand that he is not the only one suffering from fears, insecurities, and resentments. It turns out that other children have the same problems as him. This means that he is the same as everyone else, no worse than everyone else. There is no need to isolate yourself, because any situation, even the most difficult, can be resolved through joint efforts. And the children who surround him are not at all evil and are always ready to help.

When the child learns to recognize his own emotions and talk about them, you can move on to the next stage of work.

Formation of the ability to empathy, trust, sympathy, compassion

Aggressive children tend to have low level empathy. Empathy is the ability to feel the state of another person, the ability to take his position. Aggressive children most often do not care about the suffering of others; they cannot even imagine that other people might feel unpleasant and bad. It is believed that if the aggressor can sympathize with the “victim,” his aggression will be weaker next time. Therefore, the work of a teacher in developing a child’s sense of empathy is so important.

One form of such work can be role-playing play, during which the child gets the opportunity to put himself in the place of others and evaluate his behavior from the outside. For example, if a quarrel or fight occurred in a group, you can sort out this situation in a circle by inviting the Kitten and Tiger Cub or any literary characters known to children to visit. In front of the children, the guests act out a quarrel similar to the one that happened in the group, and then ask the children to reconcile them. Children offer various ways out of conflict. You can divide the guys into two groups, one of which speaks on behalf of the Tiger Cub, the other on behalf of the Kitten. You can give children the opportunity to choose for themselves whose position they would like to take and whose interests they would like to defend. Whatever specific form of role-playing game you choose, it is important that in the end children will acquire the ability to take the position of another person, recognize his feelings and experiences, and learn how to behave in difficult life situations. A general discussion of the problem will help unite the children’s team and establish a favorable psychological climate in Group.

During such discussions, you can play out other situations that most often cause conflicts in a team: how to react if a friend does not give you the toy you need, what to do if you are teased, what to do if you were pushed and you fell, etc. Purposeful and Patient work in this direction will help the child to be more understanding of the feelings and actions of others and learn to adequately relate to what is happening.

In addition, you can invite children to organize a theater, asking them to act out certain situations, for example: “How Malvina quarreled with Pinocchio.” However, before showing any scene, children should discuss why the characters in the fairy tale behaved in one way or another. It is necessary that they try to put themselves in their place fairy tale characters and answer the questions: “What did Pinocchio feel when Malvina put him in the closet?”, “What did Malvina feel when she had to punish Pinocchio?” and etc.

Such conversations will help children realize how important it is to be in the shoes of a rival or offender in order to understand why he acted the way he did. Having learned to empathize with the people around him, an aggressive child will be able to get rid of suspicion and suspiciousness, which cause so much trouble both for the “aggressor” himself and for those who are close to him. And as a result, he will learn to take responsibility for his actions, and not blame others.

True, it would also do well for adults working with an aggressive child to get rid of the habit of blaming him for all mortal sins. For example, if a child throws toys in anger, you can, of course, tell him: “You are a scoundrel! You are nothing but problems. You always interfere with all the children’s play!” But such a statement is unlikely to reduce the emotional stress of the “bastard.” On the contrary, a child who is already sure that no one needs him and that the whole world is against him will become even more angry. In this case, it is much more useful to tell your child about your feelings, using the pronoun “I” rather than “you”. For example, instead of “Why didn’t you put the toys away?”, you can say: “I get upset when the toys are scattered.”

This way you do not blame the child for anything, do not threaten him, or even evaluate his behavior. You talk about yourself, about your feelings. As a rule, such an adult’s reaction first shocks the child, who expects a hail of reproaches against him, and then gives him a feeling of trust. There is an opportunity for constructive dialogue.

Working with parents of an aggressive child

When working with aggressive children, the educator or teacher must first establish contact with the family. He can either give recommendations to parents himself, or tactfully invite them to seek help from psychologists.

There are situations when contact with the mother or father cannot be established. In such cases, we recommend using visual information that can be placed in the parent corner. Table 5 below may serve as an example of such information.

A similar table or other visual information can become a starting point for parents to think about their child and the reasons for negative behavior. And these reflections, in turn, may lead to cooperation with educators and the teacher.

Table 5 Styles parenting(in response to aggressive actions of a child)

Parenting strategy	Specific examples of strategy	Child's behavior style	Why does the child do this?
Drastic suppression of a child’s aggressive behavior	Stop it!" "Don't you dare say that." Parents punish child	Aggressive (The child can stop now but will throw out his negative emotions at another time and in another place)	The child copies his parents and learns aggressive forms of behavior from them.
Ignoring your child's aggressive outbursts	Parents pretend not to notice the child’s aggression or believe that the child is still small	Aggressive (Child continues to act aggressively)	The child thinks he is doing everything right, and aggressive forms of behavior become a character trait.
Parents give the child the opportunity to express aggression in an acceptable way and tactfully forbid them to behave aggressively towards others.	If parents see that the child is angry, they can involve him in a game that will relieve his anger. Parents explain to the child how to behave in certain situations	Most likely, the child will learn to manage his anger	The child learns to analyze various situations and takes an example from his tactful parents

The main goal of such information is to show parents that one of the reasons for the manifestation of aggression in children may be the aggressive behavior of the parents themselves. If there is constant arguing and screaming in the house, it is difficult to expect that the child will suddenly be flexible and calm. In addition, parents should be aware of the consequences of those or other disciplinary actions on the child are expected in the near future and when the child enters adolescence.

How to get along with a child who constantly behaves defiantly? Useful tips We found it for parents on the pages of R. Campbell’s book “How to Deal with a Child’s Anger” (M., 1997). We recommend that both teachers and parents read this book. R. Campbell identifies five ways to control a child’s behavior: two of them are positive, two are negative and one is neutral. Positive methods include requests and gentle physical manipulation (for example, you can distract the child, take him by the hand and lead him away, etc.).

Behavior modification, a neutral method of control, involves the use of rewards (for following certain rules) and punishment (for ignoring them). But this system should not be used too often, since subsequently the child begins to do only what he receives a reward for.

Frequent punishments and orders are negative ways of controlling a child’s behavior. They force him to excessively suppress his anger, which contributes to the appearance of passive-aggressive traits in his character. What is passive aggression, and what dangers does it pose? This is a hidden form of aggression, its purpose is to enrage, upset parents or loved ones, and the child can cause harm not only to others, but also to himself. He will deliberately begin to study poorly, in retaliation for his parents he will wear things that they do not like, and he will act up on the street for no reason. The main thing is to unbalance the parents. To eliminate such forms of behavior, a system of rewards and punishments must be thought out in every family. When punishing a child, it is necessary to remember that this measure of influence should in no case humiliate the dignity of the son or daughter. Punishment should follow directly after the offense, and not every other day, not every other week. Punishment will only have an effect if the child himself believes that he deserves it; in addition, one cannot be punished twice for the same offense.

There is another way to effectively deal with a child’s anger, although it may not always be applied. If parents know their son or daughter well, they can defuse the situation during the child's emotional outburst with an appropriate joke. The unexpectedness of such a reaction and the friendly tone of an adult will help the child get out of a difficult situation with dignity.

For parents who do not have a good understanding of how they or their children may express their anger, we recommend posting the following visual information on a display in the classroom or group (Table 6).

Table 6 "Positive and negative ways of expressing anger" (recommendations by Dr. R. Campbell)

Cheat sheet for adults or rules for working with aggressive children

Be attentive to the needs and needs of the child.
Demonstrate a model of non-aggressive behavior.
Be consistent in punishing the child, punish for specific actions.
Punishments should not humiliate a child.
Teach acceptable ways to express anger.
Giving your child the opportunity to express anger immediately after a frustrating event.
Learn to recognize your own emotional state and the state of those around you.
Develop the ability to empathize.
Expand the child’s behavioral repertoire.
Practice your response skills in conflict situations.
Learn to take responsibility.

However, all of the listed methods and techniques will not lead to positive changes if they are one-time in nature. Inconsistency in parental behavior can lead to worsening child behavior. Patience and attention to the child, his needs and requirements, constant development of communication skills with others - this is what will help parents establish relationships with their son or daughter.
Patience and good luck to you, dear parents!

Lyutova E.K., Monina G.B. Cheat sheet for adults

The child grows quickly, surprising his parents with his new behavior. Until recently, he smiled sweetly at the whole world and people, but now he is ready to cry, be capricious and get into a fight. If parents find themselves unprepared for the fact that their child will begin to develop negative qualities, then they find themselves at a dead end: “Where does the child appear from? How to deal with aggression? When parents witness that children display aggression with all its inherent signs and causes, the question arises of treating children for this quality.

Aggression in children

Childhood years are initial stage, when kids begin to copy their parents and friends, trying new behavior patterns. Aggression in children is a unique pattern of behavior that is reinforced for many years if they achieve their goals. For example, if a child wanted to get someone else’s toy and he managed to do this by showing aggression, then he will have an association: aggression is good, it helps to achieve what he wants.

All children try aggressive behavior as a pattern of behavior. However, subsequently, aggressiveness in some children becomes a character quality that they constantly display, while in others it becomes only a reaction to the cruelty of the world around them. Typically, aggression in children is a form of expressing their indignation at factors that arise in the world around them. A child can either express his emotions verbally or at the level of actions (cry, fight, etc.).

In almost every team there is an aggressive child. He will bully, get into fights, call names, kick and provoke other children in other ways. The first signs of aggression in children appear in infancy, when the child is weaned. It is during the period when the child does not feel protected and needed that he begins to worry.

The aggression of many children is an attempt to attract the attention of parents who pay little attention or ignore them altogether. “Nobody needs me,” and the child begins to try various models behaviors that will help him get attention. Cruelty and disobedience often help him in this. He notices that his parents begin to communicate with him, twitch, and worry. Once such behavior helps, it begins to be reinforced for life.

Cause of aggression in children

Like any person, children have their own unique reasons for aggression. One child may be bothered by “cold parents”, while the other may be worried about the inability to have the toys they want. There are enough reasons for aggression in a child to highlight a whole list of them:

Somatic diseases, disruption of the functioning of parts of the brain.
Conflictual relationships with parents who do not pay attention, are not interested in the child, and do not spend time with him.
Copying the behavior patterns of parents who themselves are aggressive both at home and in society.
Parents' indifference to what is happening in the child's life.
Emotional attachment to one parent, where the second acts as an object of aggression.
Low self-esteem, the child’s inability to manage his own experiences.
Inconsistency of parents in education, different approaches.
Insufficient development of intelligence.
Lack of skills to establish relationships with people.
Copying the behavior of characters from computer games or watching violence from TV screens.
Parental cruelty towards a child.

Here we can recall cases of jealousy that arise in families where the baby is not the only child. When parents love another child more, praise him more, pay attention to him, then this causes indignation. A child who feels unwanted often becomes aggressive. His targets of aggression are animals, other children, sisters, brothers and even parents.

The nature of the punishment that parents use when the child has done something wrong also becomes important. Aggression provokes aggression: if a child is beaten, humiliated, criticized, then he himself begins to become like that. Leniency or severity as methods of punishment always lead to the development of aggressiveness.

Where does a child's aggression come from?

The website for psychotherapeutic assistance notes that children’s aggression has many causes. There can be family problems, lack of what you want, experimentation of your behavior, deprivation of something valuable, as well as somatic disorders. Children always copy the behavior of their parents. Often adults need to look at how they behave in the presence of children in order to understand where the child's aggression comes from.

The first manifestations of aggression may be bites, which are committed by a 2-year-old child. This is a way to show your strength, establish your power, show who is in charge. Sometimes a child simply looks at the reaction of the world around him by displaying this or that behavior. If the mother shows aggression, then the baby simply copies her.

At the age of 3, aggression manifests itself due to the desire to have beautiful toy. The children begin to push, spit, break toys, and become hysterical. The parents' desire to force the child to calm down is unsuccessful. Next time the baby will simply increase his aggression.

4-year-old children become calmer, but their aggressiveness begins to manifest themselves in games where they need to defend their point of view. child in at this age does not accept other people's opinions, does not tolerate invasion of its territory, does not know how to sympathize and understand the desires of others.

At the age of 5, boys begin to try their hand at displaying physical aggression, and girls – at verbal aggression. The boys start fighting, and the girls give nicknames and ridicule.

It is at the age of 6-7 that children learn to control their emotions a little. This does not manifest itself in a wise approach to business, but simply in hiding one’s feelings. Being aggressive, they can take revenge, tease, fight. This is facilitated by feelings of abandonment, lack of love and an antisocial environment.

Signs of aggression in children

Only a child can feel his emotions. He is not always able to recognize them and understand the reasons. This is why parents notice too late that something is wrong with their child. Typically, signs of aggression in children are the actions they perform:

They call names.
They take away the toys.
They beat their peers.
They are taking revenge.
They don't admit their mistakes.
They refuse to follow the rules.
They are angry.
They spit.
They pinch.
They swing at others.
They use offensive words.
They are hysterical, often for show.

If parents use the method of suppression in raising a child, then the child simply begins to hide his feelings. However, they don’t go anywhere.

The child's frustration and helplessness forces him to look for any ways to cope with the problem. If parents do not understand the child’s feelings, then their measures only aggravate the child’s behavior. This further depresses the child who did not want what the parents did. When there is a lack of sincerity and caring on the part of the parents, then the child begins to lash out at them or other children.

It all starts with the child trying hysterical forms of aggression: protest, screaming, crying, etc. When toys are beaten and broken, the child thus throws out his indignation.

After this period, there comes a time when the child begins to try his verbal skills. Here words are used that he heard from his parents, from TV or from other children. A “verbal fight”, where only the child should win, is a common way of displaying aggression.

The older the baby, the more he begins to combine physical strength and verbal attacks. The method that he is most successful in achieving his goal, he uses and improves.

Treatment of aggression in children

You shouldn't hope that various methods for the treatment of aggression in children will completely eliminate this quality. It should be understood that the cruelty of the world will always evoke aggressive emotions in any healthy person. When a person is forced to defend himself, then aggression becomes useful. “Turning the other cheek” when you are humiliated or beaten becomes the path to a hospital bed.

Thus, when treating aggression in children, remember that you are helping the child cope with his internal problems, and not with eliminating his emotion. Your task is to preserve aggression as an emotion, but eliminate it as a character trait. In this case, parents take an active part. If their parenting measures make the situation even worse, then the treatments used by psychologists become more complex and lengthy.

You should not hope that the child will become kinder with age. If you miss the moment of emergence of aggression, this can lead to the formation this phenomenon as character qualities.

The most effective way eliminating aggression is correcting the problem that the child is indignant about. If the baby is just being capricious, then you should not react to his hysterics. If we are talking about a lack of attention, love, general leisure, then you should change your relationship with the child. Until the cause of aggression is eliminated, it will not disappear on its own. Any attempts to persuade a child to no longer be evil will only lead to the fact that he will simply learn to hide own feelings, however, aggression will not disappear anywhere.

At the moment when a child shows aggression, you should understand the factors that cause it. What triggers trigger the aggressiveness mechanism? Often parents, by their actions, cause anger and indignation in the child. Changing the behavior of parents entails changes in the actions of the child.

How to deal with aggression?

Often the cause of aggression in children is poor relationships with parents. Thus, aggression can be dealt with only by correcting the behavior of both parents and children. Here are exercises that the child can do alone or with his parents. It becomes a good exercise role-playing games, where the child and parents change places. The baby has the opportunity to show how his parents behave towards him. Also here, scenes are played out when a child behaves badly, and parents learn to communicate with him correctly.

It would be a good idea for parents to study the literature or consult with a family psychologist, where they can get information about how to properly respond to a child’s aggression, how to raise him and what ways to pacify his anger.

The behavior of the parents themselves, not only towards the child, but also towards other people, becomes important. If they themselves show aggression, then it becomes clear why their child is aggressive.

Both parents should have similar approaches to raising children. They must be consistent and unified. When one parent allows everything and the other forbids everything, this allows the child to love one and hate the other. Parents must think through the measures and principles of their upbringing so that the child understands what is normal and correct.

Methods also used here:

Pillow beating.
Switching attention to another activity.
A drawing of one’s own aggression that can be torn apart.
Parents' exclusion of intimidation, offensive words at the time of a child's aggression, and blackmail.
Maintaining a nutritious diet.
Sport.
Doing relaxation exercises.

Parents should spend more leisure time with their children and take an interest in their thoughts and experiences. It also helps to exclude aggressive computer games from entertainment and watch violent programs and films. If the parents are divorced, then the child should not feel this. His communication should take place calmly with both his mother and father.

Bottom line

Aggression cannot be completely eliminated from a person’s life, but it can be learned to understand and control. It's good when aggression is a reaction, not a quality of character. The result of upbringing, when parents are engaged in eliminating aggressiveness in their children, is independence and a strong personality.

The prognosis in the absence of parental attempts to help the child control his rage may be disappointing. First, the child upon reaching adolescence may make bad friends. Everyone gets them. Only children who can control their aggression soon leave the “bad companies” themselves.

Secondly, the child will be confused. He does not know how to understand his experiences, assess the situation, or control his actions. The result of such behavior can be prison or death. Either the child, when he grows up, will become a criminal, or will find himself in a situation where he will be maimed or killed by other aggressive people.

The boundaries of what is permitted are erased for a person who does not learn to manage his emotions. This is often seen in criminals. As a result of the lack of education to eliminate aggression, the emotion becomes consolidated and formed into a quality of character. As you know, no one likes evil people. Only equally aggressive people can surround someone who is angry at the world. Is this the future that parents want for their child?

An aggressive child is often. He is either afraid to be left alone, or understands that he cannot interest anyone or make anyone fall in love with him. All people desire to be accepted. This is what a child wants, who simply does not yet understand that aggression only pushes people away from him even more. If parents do not reach out to a child who is angry, then he may wonder what else he can do to get his parents to love him again.