© CC0 Public Domain

The ideal woman in the view of Russian men does not at all fit the role of an ideal wife, and for a happy family, many do not need love or sex at all, sociologists found out.

Studies of the last 17 years in the field of family and gender roles demonstrate curious trends, which were described by a senior researcher at the Institute for Social Policy of the Higher School of Economics, Deputy Vice-Rector Yulia Lezhnina at a lecture by the Yegor Gaidar Foundation from the Myths of Russian Society series.

According to her, the family is still important for the Russians, but not as a value in itself, but as an element of a life project, as a kind of norm. Having a family is a necessary but not sufficient condition. “You need to have a family, it’s uncomfortable without it, and life success seems incomplete. Although in general it is not a criterion for success. The family is not the sphere to which efforts are made. Unlike a career, ”says Lezhnina.

The ideal woman in the view of Russian men is not at all the one she wants to marry. Judging by the qualities with which they endow the ideal woman and the ideal wife, these are generally two different people. In the first case, men want to see attractive appearance and sexuality, in the second - thriftiness, loyalty, love for children. As you can see, there are no intersections.

“Some time ago, ideas about the ideal woman and about the wife coincided. Kindness and love for children were important in assessing a woman as such. That is, she was immediately perceived as a potential wife. Now these concepts are being bred, ”the sociologist notes.

But women still look at the partner as a future husband, because the difference between the ideal man and the ideal spouse is not so critical. The first one should definitely be strong and healthy, the second one should be able to provide wealth. And the rest is all for everyone: the mind is important for someone, and for someone not to smoke or drink.

“But in general, becoming an ideal man is a little easier than becoming an ideal woman — a wife,” notes Lezhnina.

There is an explanation for the fact that men want to see some women next to them, and choose others as their wives. According to the sociologist, with love in Russian society, it’s somehow not very good. In one of his articles, Lezhnina admits that creating a family only out of love has never been the norm of Russian culture. But love has always been of independent value to the Russians, it has been a matter of dreams.

Back in the early 2000s, only 5% of women aged 17 to 50 said that meeting true love was not part of their life plans.

“Today, dreams of love, even among young people, are supplanted by hopes for prosperity, health and a fair social system. Only 6% of Russians dream of love. Meeting with true love is the twelfth of their fourteen life priorities, while the family takes fourth place on this list, ”says Lezhnina.

As a desire that Russians would have guessed by catching a goldfish, only 18% called happiness in their personal lives. Most of them are women.

Not everyone needs a good sex for a happy family. Only 44% of Russians admit that they are doing well in this area. At the same time, 46% of married Russians who assess their sex life as bad say they have a happy family.

Of course, good sex and love for a partner increase psychological comfort and a sense of well-being. But, according to the Russians, this is not a prerequisite for a happy family life. By the way, women complain about bad sex life twice as often as men.

According to Lezhnina, this attitude to sex is not unique to people of age. “Youth in megacities, apparently, is also not up to it: they have no time, they are tired, they have other tasks. They prefer to direct a valuable resource to other activities, ”she said.

Paradoxical as it may seem, a family can sometimes be perceived by Russians as happy even in case of bad relations in it, the sociologist notes. So, 13% of Russians who said that they had a bad relationship with a partner also considered their families happy.

“This suggests that today, when creating a family, Russians are far from always guided by the goal of providing themselves with a comfortable system of personal relations - in any case, they do not put this task at the forefront,” the expert summarizes.

Why then do people create families? There is no universal answer. For some, a family is a comfort zone where it is convenient to live, enjoy communicating, and get support. Mostly intelligent smart young people in large cities are striving for this. Someone perceives a family as a household. Here, wealth comes first, the house is a full bowl. Another option: the family as a love nest. But this option, as it turns out, is not too popular among the people. And still, almost 20% of Russians start a "family for children."

For most Russians, children are still part of a life project. 55% would like to become parents. Of these, 10% dream of one child, 30% - of two, 15% - of three or more. Moreover, 75% already have children! A third of our fellow citizens (34%) have one child, another third have two, and 7% have more than two. That is, in many families there are more children than we would like. Or they just became parents, although they didn’t plan at all. One way or another, every fifth resident of the country brings up children who are not desirable for him. Moreover, in rural areas this is more common than in cities.

The childfree movement and same-sex families are becoming more visible. But so far not enough to talk about any trends.

Anna Semenets

Are you sure that all the best in your life is over? Yes, of course, at age 20, every girl thinks that she can turn mountains. At this time, we had time to work, and pass exams, and, of course, have fun until the morning with many friends. At this age, we were not afraid of difficulties, problems and were sure that we had a whole life ahead of us. But time is running, and no force can stop it. Before you had a chance to look back, you already crossed the 35-year mark. Yes, now you have experience, now you know that dreaming about a pipe is just a waste of time. The first wrinkles appear on the face, despite the fact that you carefully take care of yourself, trying to “throw off” at least a couple of years. Is the terrible word "maturity" is just around the corner?

It is about 35 years old that a woman especially acutely feels the “age limit”. You are sure that it is too late to start life from scratch. After all, you are already an adult woman who is not allowed to make mistakes already, and the frivolity of youth will no longer color you.

Looking through job ads, you often come across eyes on the age limit - up to 35 years. That is, it turns out that those who have already crossed this line have already closed the road to prestigious companies? If before this age you did not have time to start a family, now there is nothing to try - the train has long gone? Is the carefree youth left behind, and in front of us is dullness, dullness, routine?

And no! Each age has its advantages and disadvantages. It is only necessary to skillfully use the first and avoid the second. Thirty-five years for a woman is a golden time. Of course, it’s too late to think about the career of the model, but now you do not have girlish complexes, false constraints, doubts. Try to look objectively at your age. Add wisdom and experience to natural data and get a formula for success. The main thing is to believe that 35 years is the best period for the implementation of the plan.

1. Time for professional fulfillment

Fate from the very beginning did not favor this girl. She lost her mother early and ended up in an orphanage, where she was taught not only how to pray, but also the basics of tailor craftsmanship. Having reached adulthood, a young girl got a job in a clothing store. In the evenings, she sang for the soul in a small restaurant. Despite the fact that she could not become a singer, she had patrons with the help of whom she opened her own fashion hats store. However, she did not stop there and, taking the money, opened her own fashion boutique. At that time she was already over 30 years old. And from that moment the glory story of the famous Gabriel-Coco Chanel began.

Remember that you can change your life for the better at any time and at any age. If you did not manage to get a higher education, or your work does not suit you, now is the time to correct the mistakes of youth. Psychologists say with confidence that after 35, a second youth awaits a woman. Children are already more or less adults, and you can take the time and yourself beloved. You can finally do what you have been dreaming of all your life. Moreover, now you know exactly what you want and where exactly you can fully reveal yourself. At the same time, it is worth considering that you will not start your ascent from scratch - your experience will go with you, your understanding that success in any business is the result of work, perseverance.

If we talk about learning, then many women who are over 35 are embarrassed to sit down at a school desk. Needless to say, this shame is false. You are probably aware that higher education opens up new career paths for you? And the circle of friends is expanding significantly.

Most importantly, try not to focus on problems. You should not take all your negative experience, baggage of mistakes with you into the future. Remember that you have many advantages over your young competitors. These advantages should be addressed in more detail.

So, your components of success:

- responsibility.   Usually by this age, many women already have families, that is, they are responsible for someone else's life. And the leadership of many companies treats serious, adult women more confidently than frivolous talented persons;

- self-organization.You have already learned to control yourself, in your own words, actions and emotions. You can take control of any unforeseen situation. You are sure that there are no problems that could not be solved, and you know how to not only acknowledge, but also correct your mistakes;

- relationships.At your age, you already have rich experience in communicating with people. It will be much easier for you to find a common language with your superiors, with employees and with customers. In addition, thirty-year-old women are much less likely to conflict and assert themselves at the expense of others.

2. Great time to love!

From early childhood, she dreamed of becoming a singer. Despite the fact that by the age of 30 the whole world had started talking about her, this young woman’s personal life did not work out. Her first child appeared at ... 38 years old. This is all about Madonna.

At the age of 35, you can not only make a career, but also change something in your personal life, or maybe, in general, radically change it. Statistics say that by age 35, many women break up with their lovers or get divorced. The reason is a new view of the world, a rethinking of life values. You can’t lose heart. You just tell yourself that 35 is far from 55, and you still have a lot of time to find your soul mate, to start a family.

No need to regret the bitter experience in your personal life. Today you yourself can make decisions based on your desires, aspirations. The main thing is to tune in to positive. If you want to build a long-term relationship, there is no need to doubt - you will succeed. Moreover, today there are not just a lot of opportunities to get acquainted, but a lot. You just need to go out more often, communicate with friends, go to the cinema, theater, and exhibitions. You can use the help of the Internet. Attend courses, trainings, studios - there you can not only learn how to communicate more relaxed, but also find new friends. Or maybe your love.

And do not hesitate to flirt, because in this way you not only tell the man that you liked her, but also once again have the opportunity to make sure of your attractiveness.

Your advantages:

- realism.   You will not idealize even the most impeccable man, you will not create an “idol” for yourself, which means that you will not be disappointed in the end;

- healthy practicality.   You already know the price of ordinary words, albeit beautiful. You already understood that loving with your ears is “impractical”, it is better to pay attention to actions and actions;

- sexuality.   Sexologists unanimously say that 35 years is the heyday of female sensuality. You already know perfectly well what you want to get from your partner, an intimate life. And you know how to distinguish good sex from bad.

3. Realize in children!

This lady is a unique combination of bright appearance and keen mind. However, the journey to the top took too much time. Success came to her life when she was already over 30. Enjoying the full fame, she decided to think about family and children. However, with her husband, the media tycoon had to break up. But she adopted children and feels absolutely happy. Who is she? Sharon Stone.

35 is a period of not only reassessment of values, but also a lot of opportunities to live at your pleasure. You no longer need to prove to everyone around that you are worth something. You have already proved everything. Now you can think about yourself beloved.

The only thing that can prevent you from enjoying life at this stage is your prejudices and fears. You are afraid to change the established rhythm of life, you are afraid of complications during the “late pregnancy”, you are afraid that you will not be able to combine a career and a baby. All these are far-fetched obstacles, fears. Try to ask yourself: what is worse for you - your far-fetched problems or childlessness. And immediately everything will fall into place. And also think about the fact that the appearance of the baby will change not only you, but also your attitude to life. If you feel that at this stage you have achieved all that is possible - you have advanced up the career ladder, relations with your husband have become somewhat mundane - let new emotions and impressions into your life, think about posterity.

Your advantages:

- a family.   You can already count on the support of people close to you;

- material base.   You have your own apartment, you have achieved good success in your work. And you can quite afford maternity leave and a nanny. Your baby will not need anything;

- knowledge of life.   You can only envy your experience in relationships, communication. You will not make elementary mistakes with your child. And most importantly - you have something to teach your baby.

And always, in all situations, remember that all the best is yet to come!

When and why do men have a midlife crisis? How does the attitude of the stronger sex towards women change over the years? In order to comprehend the rich inner world of men of different ages, ELLE turned for clarification to experts of the erarling international service and the SEKS.RF international training center network.

By virtue of youthful maximalism, young people often go to extremes, especially with regard to love relationships. This is the time of growing up feelings and becoming a personality, when love covers a man with his head, but due to a lack of experience, it can be difficult for him to cope with such an influx of strong and new feelings.

Women seem to him a mysterious and dangerous element, and it is at this age that most of all love torment falls. The guys pay attention to interesting girls: it is important for them that the partner be enthusiastic in nature, open to the new, because they themselves want to broaden their horizons - and preferably with a like-minded person. For 35% of men, it is important to share hobbies and interests with a loved one. Alas, at this age, a man may not be too sensitive, and the woman's experiences seem to him something incomprehensible. He does not attach much importance to her problems.

But there are pluses in relations with a young man: he takes love affection very seriously. He will remember his first stable relationship all his life, he will carry these memories through the years, and after decades, those feelings will still seem special to him. At this age, the thirst for great and pure love is so great that it is difficult to forgive betrayal and betrayal. 94% of men part with the traitor, and only 22% succumb to the temptation themselves. In sex, young people are not too inventive, because the act of intimacy in itself gives incredible sensations. However, the languid swarming under the covers is also not about them - in youth there is nothing worse than the routine. It is not surprising that 50% of young experimenters will be happy to try threesome sex with their beloved. Be prepared for his proposal to make love in an unexpected place and other erotic fantasies.

A man in his prime years is energetic and focused on a career. This does not mean that the relationship for him fades into the background - rather, he just expects a little different from them. At this time, the feeling of a reliable rear, stability and mutual understanding is especially important, because after the exploits at work you really want to return home, where you can relax. By the age of 35, 41% of men realize that a woman who knows how to cook is a gift of fate. This does not mean that the kitchen and parenting will become your path: an ambitious person will be able to evaluate your progress in work and will be sincerely interested in your personal growth, because marriage for him means looking not at each other, but in one direction. For 35% of men, the community of plans for the future with a beloved becomes more important than joint hobbies and even intimate relationships.

A mature man takes a long look at a future partner, but if a woman arouses interest in him and proves her willingness to live together, then next to her will be a reliable and caring life partner, able to turn a blind eye to her shortcomings. At this age, the man is attentive not only to the appearance of the woman (this is already becoming not enough for him), he evaluates her as a person.

In addition, this age is characterized by a desire to diversify sexual life: strangely enough, the most extreme fantasies appear in men not at a young age - they come with experience. A busy sex life is an important aspect of relationships for 57% of men. Mature young men are so open to experiments in intimate life that you can safely offer your partner any sex toys or BDSM attributes - he will readily support such initiatives.

The midlife crisis is not so terrible as the prospect of meeting him alone: \u200b\u200b62% of men are ready to be in a relationship without love, if only not to be alone.

A mature man is experiencing a new upsurge in vitality and especially appreciates the novelty of sensations. At this age, he is able to leave a woman the right to remain herself - he will accept your originality and independence. Only 48% of the survey participants will not be able to forgive the betrayal of her beloved. If at a younger age, men prefer a partnership of passion, then a mature man sees in a woman a muse that can inspire new achievements. A man over 40 will love you simply because you are who you are, he will be interested in just talking with you, recognizing you and enjoying life together. An adult man will be ready to accept your weaknesses and will appreciate your ability not to focus on problems. He loves comfort and is ready to organize a quiet comfortable life for a woman, where nothing will interfere with enjoying each other's company. He will not protect his independence from you, since he no longer needs to prove it to himself and fight against complexes, but in return he will expect wisdom and condescension from you (56%). Maybe sex in men of this age category does not happen so often, but he puts the interests of a partner in bed above his own.

Ekaterina Lyubimova, a leading Russian sex coach:

founder of the international network Training Center SEKS.RF

Men want sex at any age - just because they arranged nature. But each period of life leaves its imprints on their picture of the world, dictating special behavior in relationships and the sexual sphere.

At 25 years old he just wants sex, by and large, with anyone, or rather, who will agree and with whom it’s not scary. Intimacy for him is a "measure of all things" and a guarantee of stable relations. However, the fact of a relationship also attracts him incredibly. He, like a small child, admires closeness with a woman and wants this closeness in every sense. With all the violence of the flesh, it is the young gentlemen who are the most romantic and amorous. And although they have long passed the stage of the Platonic libido and are fully aware of their body, it is much easier to charm them than 35-year-olds. After all, they have not yet felt on themselves all the charms of a female character and failures in sex. This "eternal radiance of pure reason" inspires optimism. And it also becomes the reason for his forced sexual diets - both because of modesty and because of shortsightedness with the choice of a partner ready for the exploits.

At 35   the man still wants sex, but now in his coordinate system everything is more complicated. Having gone through the sexual battles of youth, he became strong, tough and took out from them an important principle - to clearly separate sex and relationships. And most importantly, he learned to do this compared to his 25 years, when his heart sank, and an overabundance of feelings could fail not only in serenade singing. In general, at 35, he realized that you can sleep with a woman and not live together. Or vice versa - I’m already tired of children, families, unfulfilled ambitions and wants to get at least part of his desires, which he left with him at his 25. At this age, he especially wants the feast of flesh, women in love, oral, anal, Martian and what like sex, not excluding the mandatory point of the program ZHMZH. But unlike the romantic 20-year-olds, he is no longer ready to invest himself in every "act of love" and all the more to turn it into a relationship. It is the 35-year-olds who are best able to lie and masterfully change, without a twinge of conscience, going nowhere after sex, promising a fabulous “tomorrow”.

Perhaps you should immediately make a reservation that limiting emotional impulses is not the best way to bring lightness and happiness to your life. But there are some things that for every woman by the age of 35 will only be a pleasant baggage, and not a heavy burden and useless experience.

For most of us, 35 years is a golden time. Already in the past, the careless mistakes of youth, in the eyes an alluring mystery and the wisdom of life, and any 20-year-old beauty can envy feline grace and the ability to feel her sexuality.

1. Experiment with appearance

By the age of 35, it would be good to determine exactly which hair color is categorically not yours, which one is fuller, and which is aging. It’s wonderful if all your harsh experiments underwent your appearance even at the peak of hormonal violence: about 15-18 years old. And at 35, you can, without a twinge of conscience, review photos of a bold youth, where there was a time for a rehydrol blonde, and pink curls, and green leggings, and crooked arrows a la smoky eyes at the graduation.

2. Break away in full (or not in full)

What could be more attractive than the look of a cat that has walked up plenty? She knows perfectly well what a full drive is, but now does not seek to break the chain at every opportunity. And this gives her a special mystery associated with her knowledge of the fullness of life. It's great when a girl at 35 can remember dancing at the bar or on the table, and nightly swimming in the pool, or even in the fountain, and other delights of a passionate youth.

3. Make friends

Up to 35 years, you will have a lot of chances to find good, loyal friends - at school, college, at work ... She may even be a sister or mother, and not taking advantage of these opportunities will be very stupid. If you haven’t made a single girlfriend before age 35, the fact is rather sad. Still, people at any age sometimes need to share joys or sorrows with someone and trust the innermost.

4. Learn to cook tasty

If at 20 years old poorly fried meat can be attributed to a lack of experience, then at 35 only a well-to-do and insanely busy woman can afford cooking inability, who has the opportunity to have a housewife or a personal chef. In all other cases, nothing can justify the inability to cook in these years.

5. Learn to earn

Even if you have successfully married a multimillionaire, then learning to earn at least your underwear and lipstick will still not be amiss. In order not to be at 35, in which case, a helpless chick without the strength and possibilities of existence, a woman should be able to be financially independent.

6. Suffer in love

Whoever says anything, but almost any love affliction in his youth is a great experience, and for many even a source of strength and inspiration. Only after going through such a harsh school of relations can we understand “what is good” and “what is bad”, whom we can trust and who to watch out for. And often it is thanks to the negative experience in the relationship that we can later recognize the true, sincere feeling.

7. Discover sexuality

If by the age of 35 you have failed, then you risk living with them all your life. What a 20-year-old does not know how to do is embarrassed to do a 25-year-old, a 35-year-old woman must master the technique perfectly. A couple of sex experiments in an erotic collection will not hurt you. And most importantly, at 35 for a woman - to be able to have fun.

8. Patch holes in the formation

It’s useful to read at least the program: “Anna Karenina”, “Masters and Margarita”, “Idiot”, “The Brothers Karamazov”, as well as get acquainted with the work Remark, Fitzgerald, Oscar Wilde... You can continue the list yourself. It would not be bad to pull up your knowledge in history. It will not be superfluous, but flashing erudition and better understanding the world order will help for sure.

9. Have a hobby

Self-realization in any of its manifestations is the best way from depression and illness. Someone seriously "falls ill" with the upbringing of children, someone with scientific discoveries, parachuting or raising hamsters. The main thing is to find something that brings you pleasure.

10. Buy something insanely expensive

At 35 we are already big enough girls and can afford to fork out for a dream or even a minute whim. The time for cheap fakes has passed and it's time to get really worthwhile things: for example, elegant Louboutin shoes, or maybe a ring or earrings from Tiffany.

11. Learn to forgive resentment

To hold a grudge against someone is more expensive. Nerves deteriorate, anger negatively affects mood and health. At age 35, it’s time to live life to the fullest and breathe deeply, without stone shackles of grievances hiding in the chest. At this age, you should already have enough intelligence and self-esteem to forgive your ex-boyfriend, best friend or make peace with relatives.

12. Improve self-esteem

No “I am fat”, “ugly”, “I have short legs”, “sparse hair” and “thankless job” ... By the age of 35, it’s time to either learn to accept yourself as you are, or be able to hide and fight your imperfections. Fitness clubs, beauty salons, the right clothes and the right attitude to your beloved are an indispensable musthave for any 35-year-old lady.

13. Know the cocktail recipe that blows you to the “tower”, and beware of its consequences

At 35, you certainly should not be a chaste and innocent sheep. But to be able to drink alcohol, so that in the morning it would not be a shame for your behavior, you are simply obliged.

14. Find your hairdresser and gynecologist

These are two guardians of women's health. The first is psychological (the manipulation of the hairdresser is sometimes much more effective than talking with a psychologist), and the second is physical (the head doctor, after all, is for women, which must be suitable for you in all respects).

15. Learn and conduct small talk

If sudden outbursts of anger and harsh remarks about relatives, friends, loved ones in adolescence can somehow be attributed to non-abstinence, then you must admit that in mature years a self-respecting lady should be able to control herself, be diplomatic in different situations. In addition, a woman must master the techniques of conducting small talk - who knows in which circles and societies they will have to communicate.

In general, the list of what a woman should already have time to do by this wonderful period of life can be endless. Each of us has our own strict criteria and evaluations of ourselves. The main thing is that they be.

How to relate to your age, reaching the middle of your life? Watch in our video: