When you break up   with your lover, no matter how long your relationship lasted, you experience pain and disappointment. It seems that the world has collapsed, and ahead of your failure and failure alone await. It becomes doubly painful when your ex half finds a replacement for you and looks happy. Doubts creep in: did she ever love you at all, or was all this a pretense and a good game? You can survive all this, and most likely you will even begin to forget your former beloved, but here again a new blow: from third parties you will know that she is going to get married. And all this despite the fact that when you offered her marriage, she constantly refused, referring to some external reasons.

Say you will upset   in that case, say nothing. But still try to pull yourself together and calm down. Although at first it will not be easy to do this, you will be overcome by anger and rage, in the heat of the moment you will begin to insult her, remember all the most negative of your communication. Perhaps alone with himself, or perhaps speaking out to a friend or acquaintance in a private conversation. After you get rid of negative emotions a little, you will suddenly have a wild desire to take revenge on your ex. And one of the best ways to do this would be her upcoming wedding. Of course, this is a good way to spoil the mood, and maybe even the life of your once loved one, but the game is not worth the candle. Think about what you personally get good after this incident? Nothing at all. Be a little selfish, do not try for others, because the situation can turn completely different sideways, not the way you imagined it. For instance:

Guests can vice versa have fun what you are doing, taking it for a pre-rehearsed staging, because not all those present will know you in person and understand why you needed all this. Naturally, to a greater extent, everything depends on what exactly you are going to do and how you plan to upset the wedding. But, nevertheless, in any of your acts, guests can find something funny, of course, unless it is connected with some kind of crime. If it does, then another point follows.

- You may be taken to the police station. Everything is even very fair: you violate public order, posing a threat to society at a celebration. The shameful withdrawal of you handcuffed for a long time to be remembered by the guests, and you too. But it is unlikely that later you will be proud to remember this day with pride.

If you still decide to come   to this wedding without an invitation, it will first of all give out your unquenched feelings. Everyone will understand that you still love your ex-girlfriend and that is why today invaded this holiday and are trying to prevent her from building a new relationship. And what could be more humiliating than unrequited love? You will simply be mistaken for a weakling who could not survive this pain and behaves like a true fool, trying to regain his former love, which had long ago forgotten him and was happy with another young man. Have self-esteem - do not humiliate yourself like this in front of a girl and other people.

Try to to find   pluses in everything that happens, and they are here without a doubt.

- Remember   all the negative qualities of his ex-girlfriend. She can't cook? Wonderful! Sympathize with her husband, who in the evening, having come with, will be forced to cook his own dinner. Is she untidy, careless? Her future husband may not know what he signed. But well, this is his choice.

- Remember   all your quarrels, in them you will find a lot of negativity that will help you get mad at her to such an extent that you want to spit on these relationships from a high bell tower and thank life for taking you away from this person.

Unlikely your the girl was the most ideal of those who could potentially meet you on the way. All of her flaws in appearance that did not suit you should give you an impetus to engage in a detailed search for a more perfect second half. If it was still the girl of your dreams, do not be discouraged, there will probably be at least a couple of such people in the world, besides, tastes change over time, and it is not a fact that in a year you will still consider her your ideal.

I need your advice, what do you think should I do next? I'm confused, squeezed like a lemon. He lived with the girl for 1 year, we knew each other from the university, we had a big fight and parted at the end of February this year. I was very worried, but tried to let go of everything, live in the present. He continued to play sports, tried to spend more time with friends, more distracted, reading, books, walking, work. The guys once told me that they saw the girl with whom they were together, with a new guy.

It was a bit unpleasant, but I understand everything and try to accept reality. He continued to live on. Difficulties began at work, the company began to suffer losses and my partner left, more responsibilities and responsibilities appeared, I already began to feel that my head was cracking at the seams. He began to do less workload during training, devote more time to sleep, I never had problems with nutrition, this site is very important for a normal life.

But I decided to buy a complex of vitamins in order to relieve pressure a little from the outside and not respond to stresses that way. All this time I did not communicate with my ex-girlfriend, since February. Yesterday she wrote, asked how I live, what’s new, I didn’t say anything. She said she was getting married next month, that she loved a guy very much, that she was happy with him.

They say that we had this youth. All the best to you, goodbye. At first I reacted normally, but then it all started with a small flame and flared up in a problem. I had the feeling that I was dipped in hot water, and then immediately doused with ice. I began to worry about something that wasn’t, because it was no longer connected with my life. As a result, there was no mood to even cook, I tried to calm myself, but it did not work out. He went outside to breathe air, returned home, could not sleep until morning, barely sat out at work, filtered out a little thought. But I have the feeling that there’s still a little site and I’ll explode, I feel depressed. I started thinking about suicide, I know that I will not do it, I have a mother and father, brother, it will be difficult for them without me. But these thoughts are scary. To comrades, I cannot tell everything, I cannot entrust this.

I have no friend or girlfriends to tell everything. The diary does not help, I wrote down different moments from my life there to make it easier, or just like that. I want to quickly get out of this state. Because I can’t live normally, work, these thoughts, incomprehensible anxieties haunt. The train of thought became uncontrollable, some apathy reached the point that I did not want to leave the apartment anywhere, to work, to get groceries, just to walk. I tried to describe the whole situation, as detailed as possible, tell me, please, what needs to be done to get rid of this condition. I know that time is needed, but my strength has gone somewhere. I am 25 years old.

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The reader’s psychotherapist, psychologist Svetlana Druzhinina and family psychologist, sexologist Andrei Burdin answer questions from readers (you can ask a question)

“I AM LUCKY AT JOBS”

guest from:

I am almost thirty, I look good, I have a good job, and I am an interesting conversationalist. In general, according to many, successful in everything. But with acquaintances I have no luck. They say I'm too prominent, and men are afraid to get to know me. Only ardent womanizer do not shy. And every time this pops up, I already get the same rake on my forehead. Well, how can one not be disappointed here? Where is the way out of this circle? To persuade myself that I am not the only one - this is not easier. And whatever one may say, I want to finally have someone in my life for whom you are waiting for the end of the working day. Andrey Burdin:

From the letter you appear as a socially successful, sociable person, but inside you are very lonely. Ardent womanizer often aspire to such a bright lady outside, and relations with them bring only emptiness. And if the circles of disappointment are repeated, then you should not really reassure yourself. If you attract a certain contingent of men from the outside, with whom everything is predetermined, then it seems that you have an internal conflict, where, on the one hand, you present yourself in such a way as to attract these men, and on the other, you want completely different relationships. Perhaps you are afraid of something more serious? Start by trying to understand what kind of relationship you want and which men really attract you. To get out of the circle, you first need to find it. “I CAN’T FORGET MY FORMER”

Three years ago I met a girl. After a year of our relations with her, which were either broken or recreated again, we parted completely. But a few months later, I again tried to get the relationship back. She had already started dating another. It broke me. I became depressed, in which I met with other girls, with old friends, with new ones. And all wrong and wrong ... As I know, she has already married. And even after that I cannot leave her in the past. Even worse, after her I met another girl who I also fell in love with, but she just once left me, with almost no explanation. I also can’t get her out of my head ... But the biggest problem is that I just can’t get to know someone normally ... I don’t even understand what is happening to me. Why can't I, as before, talk to a stranger? Svetlana Druzhinina:

Hello ALi! Relations that did not work out should be left in the past. Because if at the stage of dating and relationships there are such difficulties, then imagine what problems may arise in marriage. Do not panic if some relationship does not work out. Most likely, you are worried about wounded pride due to the fact that the girl not only left you, but also married another. But understand, in these relations there was no positive beginning and there was no future. You should have stopped them yourself as soon as you realized that something was wrong. Perhaps you need a certain period of time so that you can understand what kind of girl you really need. Then you can meet her, love and create a family with her. There is nothing wrong with the fact that there was a certain blockage when you are afraid to speak with a stranger. In fact, this is a question of self-esteem, which affected the previous relationship. You fear that the girl with whom you meet, just like the previous ones, will leave you. But when you find yours, this fear will disappear. And the abundance of acquaintances will not lead to anything good. “MY GUY RAISES MY HAND”

I do not know what to do. Stuck in one place. The guy and I have been together for five years. But the relationship did not work out initially: quarrels, scandals, lies. Recently, he completely stopped hearing me, doing what he wants. I even started raising my hand ... I don’t know what to do in this situation. We have already run up, and more than once - it was very painful. I even sat on antidepressants. But I need to somehow move forward. I want children, understanding, affection and love, but I clearly see that with this person I will be constantly on my nerves, with a crybaby facial expression. I am very tired. Tell me how to get away from this? How to save yourself without falling into the pit again? Please, help! Svetlana Druzhinina:

Alena, the answer is unequivocal: you need to leave this person. But it’s very important to understand why it hurts when you break up. What exactly do you get in these relationships? Why do you keep returning to a relationship where they even raise your hand. There is something in this person that you take from him and that is very important for you. This is some kind of internal resource that you must have in yourself, and not continue to take from this person. Perhaps the problem here lies with your relationship with your parents. In any case, such a relationship must be broken. Because the hand that rose once will rise both the second and third times. If you want to develop and move forward, then this is definitely not the person you need. Before you is the whole world, and there are enough men in it who have a lot of advantages. But first of all you need to love yourself. “GUEST MARRIAGE IS THE NORM?”

I have had a “guest marriage” with my friend for over 15 years. Anything happened ... They dispersed for a maximum of three months. But then they again converged. As they say, and together it’s bad, but even worse. I am soon 45 years old. I understand that I can remain alone by old age. I would like, of course, a normal family. Or has legal marriage already become obsolete? Svetlana Druzhinina:

A legal marriage has not outlived itself, but you have chosen a guest. And this is a problem solely of your choice. If such relations have not led to anything for fifteen years, then they will not lead to anything. Look at other men who are willing to get married and want to start a family. And with the old relationship, if they do not suit you and you are afraid to be alone, it's time to tie. But, on the other hand, the desire to get married so as not to be left alone is also a big illusion. You need to get married when you met a close soul mate and fell in love with a person. In your situation, guest marriage is based mainly on the fact that he is a guest. If you marry this person, you would most likely leave him within a year. Because, judging by your letter, you are different people and do not fit together. But there are many other men around you who suit you. And if you want to get married, achieve your goal.

Hello, Duman!

In principle, there are not many options how you should be in this situation. First you need to make a choice what you want:

1. You love your girlfriend, and no matter what you are ready to forgive her, and fight for your relationship.

2. You are disappointed in your relationship and are not ready to continue it, and you want to forget it and start a new life.

The choice is difficult, and there is no right answer. And I can’t even give you any clue, because there is too little information about you, about her and about your relationship.

But I can draw your attention to some points:

How could it happen that in parallel with you she developed a serious relationship, and you did not notice anything? Are you sure she is really getting married to another? Sometimes girls bluff in order to provoke a man to some action ...

Where did that other man come from and how long was his relationship with him? Are those relationships just an emotional fleeting reaction? Sometimes a woman gets tired of poverty, from uncertainty and in a fit of despair clutches at a straw passing by, and then regrets and returns. Maybe your girlfriend is just tired and is waiting for you to make any decisions?

Analyze carefully your relationship. Were there any hints that she might be dishonest? not only in terms of treason, but in general in life. Usually a lying person and a traitor show their nature in small things. Can you say this about your woman?

Jealousy for children from a previous marriage is a quality that people inherited from nature. In nature, babies from a previous marriage are usually killed. AND fear   for their offspring lies with mothers deeply unconsciously, and manifests itself in almost every woman in one way or another. And this fear disappears as confidence in a man grows, when a woman becomes convinced that she will have enough attention and support from a man, despite the children from a previous marriage. If the woman’s confidence is not enough, then her instincts win, and she can leave. To build relationships with a woman, you should clearly be aware of this feature of women, and consider when building relationships. Do not be offended by women that nature arranged them that way. If it were different, people would die out on earth.

If you now have more questions than answers, then perhaps you should speak frankly with the girl and clarify all incomprehensible questions. Only in a conversation you in no case need to blame and blame her, otherwise she will not reveal herself to you about her internal motives, but on the contrary will begin to defend herself and attack you.

Take life into your own hands and act!

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Strelkina Olga Viktorovna, psychologist in Sevastopol