Olga Gumanova - Female Solitude. How to get out of it. Olga Tumanova Female loneliness: how to get out of it Female loneliness how to get out of it

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Olga Tumanova
Female loneliness: how to get out of it

Approved for publication by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church

IS R14-417-1569

Loneliness: a solution to a problem

Reasons for loneliness: find and neutralize

You are already 25, 27, 30 years old, and your cherished dream - to have your own happy family - is in no hurry to come true. Birthdays and New Year's celebrations are increasingly becoming reasons for sadness - another year has passed, but I never got married, nothing has changed, I can’t see the lumen. And what to do?

The search for a way out of loneliness can be compared with the repair of a home. Someone likes to glue wallpapers and lay tiles with their own hands, someone hires a master - it all depends on the possibilities and preferences of the hostess. But even if you entrust the repair to others, sooner or later they will finish work and leave your home, and you should live in it. So, turning to a professional - a psychologist - does not guarantee a solution to the problem: in any case, you have to act yourself.

For me, the search for the causes of loneliness was like passing the next level of a computer game-rpg. There are such passionate players looking for ways to capture a castle or extract an artifact for hours. So I once decided: let the search for the "keys" of loneliness be my main job, and whether it is then worth opening the lock and moving to a different standard of living - I will solve this later.

And I went looking for myself: on the examples of the heroines of literature, cinema and real life, I tried to understand the reasons that made the girl remain alone. I eagerly read and watched any movies where the heroines were old virgins, abandoned lovers and independent single ladies trying to realize themselves in work. And once I was able to look at myself from the outside and see the main reason, with a heavy barrier blocking my path to family happiness.

The reasons for loneliness are as follows.

I do not respect men.

For example, a girl grew up in a family where grandfather was a weak-willed and dumb henpecked with an overbearing grandmother, his mother and father divorced shortly after her birth, and he was called nothing more than a “scoundrel” and a “bastard”, and an aunt who lost count to husbands and lovers , not one of them flattered. How can a girl raised in such a family have respect for men? She since childhood firmly learned that all men are either weaklings or traitors.

If this is your case, try the following exercise: at the sight of acquaintances and strangers of the stronger sex, repeat to yourself: "men are good."

I do not allow myself to be happier than mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, work colleagues.

Katya came to work at school at the age of 22 and, being a young and inexperienced specialist, tried her best to win the love and recognition of her senior colleagues. It was important for her to enter this school, which was new for her, for the school — joint gatherings in the teacher’s during a big break, long conversations.

But the trouble is - as is often the case with pedagogical groups, most of the teachers were either single or divorced. And Katya, as luck would have it, had a beloved bridegroom, and a wedding was planned in a few months. But any joyful tales of happiness in personal life were “punished” here with stone expressions of the faces of listeners. But complaints that the groom did not call on time, was not polite during dinner with his parents, did not give the desired roses for his birthday, evoked strong emotional support: “Yes, yes, men — they are like that, they’re the only ones with frustration.” And Katya, being an obedient girl, was used to talking only bad things about her personal life at work. The result was not long in coming - for several weeks of such “psychotherapy” the wedding was upset, and she broke up with the groom. Katya worked at this school for about ten years, remaining lonely. In order to get rid of the influence of the teaching staff and happily marry, she had to do a lot of work on herself.

I suffer - that means I'm good and go to heaven.

Girls with such an attitude are found in the church environment quite often. They like to emphasize their non-peace, timelessness and numerous virtues. “I am not like this modern youth. I don’t go to nightclubs, I don’t enter into intimate relations on the first day of my acquaintance, I can not stand the smell of alcohol, so it’s hard for me. I had to be born in the century before last. I wear long skirts and closed blouses, I listen only to classical music, in the evenings I sit at home and embroider a cross, every Sunday I go to church, and after the liturgy I help my sick grandmother and bake pies. Am I destined to meet my happiness without sacrificing my principles? Today, only shameless harlots who attract men by consent to sexual perversions marry. ”

A familiar portrait? Have you met? There are two lies at once: firstly, far from all modern youth goes to terrible dens and indulges in sophisticated debauchery. Secondly, there are many men who dream of marrying just a modest virgin homebody with needlework and pies. But for girls of this type it is very important for their "virtues" to pay with suffering and loneliness, otherwise their life loses all meaning. If tomorrow she’s not a “drunken lascivious nightclub”, but a modest domestic young man who loves not noisy parties, but reading books in the country or helping parents, he will also be caught in many vices and rejected. After all, true virtue must suffer! Lonely…

I am so afraid of the pain of a possible break in relations that I don’t enter into them at all.

Such girls leave potential suitors first, because they are too afraid to be abandoned themselves. Often they are beautiful, surrounded by fans, but they don’t go for serious relationships with anyone.

To cope with a problem, you need to learn how to take risks. Neither vows of love, nor wedding, nor wedding, nor the birth of children give a guarantee of long family happiness. In addition, even loving spouses have to go through separation by death - to all, without exception. Therefore, you should learn to enjoy life and be happy here and now.

I find family life boring, and romantic misery interesting and exciting.

At the age of 18–20 I had a wonderful company, in which several happy couples formed, they got married, many became priests and mothers. And every time, for some reason, the news about my friend’s wedding was amazing. “Are you getting married? For whom? For Dima? And who is Dima? ” And then I recalled that I sat many times at the same table with Dima, prayed next to him, went on a pilgrimage, but I did not see him as a young man, a possible groom. The problem was that he was looking for a wife and children, and I was someone who could fall in love, and then suffer because of the lack of his attention.

When different social networks appeared, I decided to find men there whom I was very in love with in different years. I was over thirty, they were also thirty to forty. And it turned out that not one of them created a family. Someone got married and quickly divorced, someone in their forties had never entered into a marriage. But everything is very simple - I strove only for those who refused, in principle, the prospect of creating a family, and, of course, made me as a potential bride, making me suffer. I realized: it was suffering that attracted me, not specific people.

Of course, many more reasons for female loneliness can be added to this list. But the most difficult thing in overcoming them is to honestly admit to myself: “Yes, I’m running away from my happiness - I recognize myself in the behavior of the heroines of films and books. But I don’t want to be like them. ”

One has only to understand and accept it, and happiness will overtake you.

5 Ways to Become a Sad Maiden

There are girls in the world who are not bad at all, and are dressed well, and they won't reach a pocket in a word, but they don’t reach for them, they don’t. There is, as they say, no raisins, no peppercorns, nor any other spices or spices. They are sweet, but fresh, like diet bread without yeast and salt. Useful, correct, but boring.

Let's see what makes beautiful girls dull.

Strong set of rules not subject to audit

The towel should hang on a hook, tea and coffee is served after dessert, a business suit even in summer requires a stocking, and pink is not worn with green. So taught mom and grandmother. However, behind the familiar set of standards, we do not notice that the world has changed. We all stand under an umbrella and do not dare to fold it, although the sun has long shone in the sky. Or we walk along the green grass in felt boots with galoshes.

In addition, the implementation of the rules without reason is fraught with disappointment: we expect others to fulfill these rules and are disappointed if they do not consider them generally accepted and important. For example, men do not give you tulips on March 8, which means that something is wrong in the world.

Repressed sexuality

You are - oh, horror! - sometimes look at men as a woman. And then you begin to reproach yourself for this: how could I, I ... I wanted him! Perhaps, once in your childhood or in your teens, your parents scolded you for your interest in boys, selected and defiantly threw a love story into the bin, and your enthusiasm for the young teacher terrified them. Studying and helping with the housework was considered a "real thing", and romance - "nonsense and nonsense." As a result, any sexual desires you have associated with prohibitions and excruciating feelings of guilt.

Attraction to the opposite sex is a natural feeling. It is not up to you, and you should not blame yourself for it. It is only in your power to decide what to do with this feeling - to immediately fall into the arms of the man who caused it or to refrain, and spend energy on washing windows. It is worth blocking this energy channel, and from a living woman you will turn into a sour old maid, irritating not only men, but also your sister.

Fear of being obsessive

You do not dare to be the first to approach a stranger, to express your opinion in the company, to come to the birthday party to someone who has not very persistently called you? This happens with people whom parents dismissed as a child: “Do not get under your feet, now it’s not up to you.” As a result, the girl grows up confident that everyone and always is not up to her. She presses herself on the cold landing, not daring to press the bell button, while fun reigns behind the treasured door.

What to do in this case? To make sure from your own experience that there are people who are glad to see you, and places where they want to see you. If you do not accept the first invitation “to the light” and patiently wait for the second, then you risk not waiting for it and missing a lot of interesting things.

Excessive focus on appearance

Even the path from the entrance to the nearest garbage container, you do not dare to do without first putting on a full make-up. No one should see you without a perfect hairstyle, so you are laying the train in the toilet at four in the morning. Let the ice in the yard, anyway you courageously wander to work in stilettos. On vacation in a Turkish hotel, you persistently ask the maid for iron in different languages \u200b\u200b- you cannot go down to breakfast in ironing shorts!

No, I do not urge you to disregard your appearance and appear in public places unkempt, in faded jeans and a stretched T-shirt. But, think what a terrible thing will happen if others notice a slightly peeling varnish on the tip of your nail? A girl who spends a lot of energy on maintaining impeccability often looks like a museum porcelain doll - it’s scary to touch it, the back of her hair, it will crumble.

Lack of lively interest in people

Are you complaining about the absence of close friends and a loved one? But, being where you can easily find a loved one and friends, you are interested in everything, but not people. You are absolutely not interested in what others think about, what they feel, what is happening in their soul. In the company of such girls monotonously broadcast about something of their own, not really listening to the reaction of others.

If you want to be noticed and appreciated, then learn to listen to others. Believe me, people are very interesting. Allowing them to share their thoughts and feelings with you is more fun than browsing the news online or watching a series. And they can answer you the same if you stop being discouraged and show interest in them.

I got married at 32, so I know firsthand the whole arsenal of tips daily listened to by a lonely girl who is already "for". Unfortunately, it has been verified by experience that it is not worth following it: this will lead to even greater failures, and by no means will turn you into a blooming enviable bride with an endless series of fans. So if you hear any of the following, listen and do the opposite.

1. What are you all alone and alone? Go take a walk in public

Many single women consider themselves obligated to attend various public events, to be, as they say, in plain sight. Today is the opening of the exhibition of icons. Tomorrow - a bus excursion to Pereslavl-Zalessky. The day after tomorrow - a meeting of Facebook users in a cafe on Mayakovka. Not a minute of peace, not a minute of loneliness. After spending one evening at home in the company of an e-book, a blanket and a cup of tea, the girl already feels like a deserter: “How so! Today I didn’t go anywhere and didn’t meet anyone! Life passes by! ”

Remember, the most important acquaintance in your life is getting to know yourself. Without meeting yourself, you will not meet your happiness: you simply won’t know what happiness means for you.

Crowded parties, dating and excursions are, of course, good, but take at least a little time - to be alone with you. Go to the cafe - in a place where the view from the window and the interior like you, and not your company. Choose exactly what you want to eat in the menu - perhaps the fact that you have completely different preferences from those around you will be a discovery.

City park, museum, bike path - all these are great places where you can know yourself.

2. The more time you spend with friends, the less likely to meet a suitable man

Of course, we all read women's magazines and watched talk shows for housewives, and so we learned from youth: friends are rivals who only think how to beat off the emerging gentleman, and you need to get acquainted with men in places of their congestion - somewhere at a football match or in a wineglass at the Kursk station.

In fact, the society of feminine girlfriends is what a lonely girl needs in the first place. Girlfriends are by no means enemies, but batteries from which you are charged with positive energy. It does not matter whether they are married or not, whether they have children - the main thing is that they look and feel like attractive women and have traditional female interests: among other things, they are interested in fashionable novelties, nail polishes and discuss secular gossip.

After meeting with them, you will walk along the street, feeling more like a woman than the mother Eve. Now it’s possible for football and for a conference on nuclear physics. Believe me, potential suitors, forgetting everything, will be ready to follow you even to the ends of the world.

3. Feel lonely? Go help those who are much worse: abandoned children, grandmothers in a nursing home, homeless people, prisoners

Advising a lonely girl, who is incredibly difficult without the burden of someone else’s pain, to “go help some unhappy one” can be just as successful as doing a patient with a temperature of forty dozens of squats and fifteen push-ups. Following this recommendation, the patient runs the risk of making a heart complication, and a lonely girl - severe psychological burnout and, as a consequence, either physical or mental illness.

Helping someone else and not ruining yourself is an art that has been taught to future psychologists, educators, and doctors for years. And even not all experts manage to maintain the boundaries of their own personality - someone will dissolve in patients and burn out, and someone will choose cold cynicism as protection.

If you want to help others - become happy to begin with yourself. Only in this case will you be able to bring effective benefits to others.

4. Yes, you just do not know how to dress and paint! Come on, let's go shopping, and then look at the beauty salon

Not a single woman in the world has remained alone due to excess weight, vulgar manners or poor taste. Come to any registry office and you will see that a variety of brides are standing in line for applying - beautiful and ugly, tastefully and vulgarly dressed, fat and thin, lively and quiet. However, they all found their pair.

So we return to point 2, take a pencil and once and for all delete from the list of friends all who say so. To give such advice is to humiliate. By the age of 14, any girl knows perfectly well what color the eyeshadow suits her, what clothes and hairstyle. And by graduation, she knows very well how to behave in order to please a young man.

If a girl, knowing full well that a man definitely doesn’t like her in this terrible yellow blouse or in that shapeless gray hoodie, but chooses this yellow blouse or gray hoodie, then “like a man” at this stage in her life is not part of her plans. She opted for loneliness, and must be respected.

5. Petya is such a wonderful young man, and most importantly - unmarried. You definitely need to introduce you. Come to my birthday, he will be there too

A lonely girl is lonely not because she has not yet met the beautiful Petya, but because she is simply not ready for any relationship. A meeting can become fatal only when a person is open to it. In addition, arranging dates if they are not asked for are again humiliating human dignity. It is better to delicately refuse such "care".

6. Have a child for yourself or, in the Orthodox version, adopt

This phrase is periodically heard by every unmarried girl from the age of 23, as she gets older, such advice sounds more insistently.

Women who have consciously decided to become a single mother are usually favorably favored in the Orthodox community: after all, she is looking not for pleasures in life, but for a maternal feat! It is not difficult to meet a priest who easily lets go of the sin of connection with a man outside marriage in order to conceive a child. But let's be honest: it’s impossible to give birth to a child “only of his own”, “only for himself”. Half of the father will always be present in the child, this cannot be avoided, unless, of course, your baby is conceived naturally, and not created by cloning only the mother cells.

For one sin - a sexual relationship with a man, married or free, but not going to marry you - will be followed by a web of other sins, from which you risk not getting free until death. What do single mothers usually say when a child starts asking about his father? For example: "He was a military pilot and died, rescuing his comrades in an air battle." But children, even the smallest ones, acutely sense a lie and cannot forgive it. Resentment for mother for deceit, they can harbor for life. In addition, the child has the right to know his father. He has every right to his last name, attention, inheritance, communication with relatives on his part - his grandparents, half-brothers and sisters. And to deprive this child means very sinful lies.

And if you tell the truth? In this case, a single mother finds herself in an extremely difficult situation. Instead of a legal marriage, where everything is clear and simple: father, mother, children, it becomes part of a conflict and confused system. Judge for yourself: a woman will be forced to communicate and build relationships with the father of her child, who may have other children and a jealous wife or parents who are negatively related to the "suddenly" appeared grandson.

It is not by chance that God established a certain order of things - first you need to learn how to be a wife and only then a mother. Trying to become a mother without having the experience of living in a marriage is like entering the eighth grade without completing the third.

As for the adoption of a child by a single mother, see paragraph 3.

Before trying to help the unfortunate, you first need to heal your mental wounds, and become happy yourself. The union of two unfortunates does not at all serve as a guarantee of happiness - on the contrary, it is squared misfortune.

7. How can you complain! Do not anger God. Compared to the life of the great-grandmother who survived the Leningrad blockade, yours is just golden

But this is not advice, but a rebuke. In this case, well-wishers add another “flower” to your bouquet of mental traumas and emotions - guilt.

And, nevertheless, after such “advice” many people have a question: where is the place for achievement in my lonely life? They don’t offer me to pray all night, making a thousand nods, or go to a hospice for children dying of cancer, only pleasures and entertainment - friends, walks, cafes ...

And the feat is honestly admitting to myself: yes, I have a problem. I can’t get what others do easily and naturally: make relationships, get married, give birth and raise children. Your ascetic feat is to understand the reasons for your loneliness and find a way out of it, to work hard so that in the world there will be one single woman less and one happy woman more.