Good evening, tell me what to do in such a situation: I will soon become married man on a girl who has a child, the child is 5 years old, my future wife and I live in perfect harmony, but as soon as the conversation comes about her son, we start quarreling... for me this is all very difficult, and I constantly notice only negativity in the child, then I don’t like the way he does it, I don’t like it, she spoiled him very much, because she raised him alone, and there was no male support, and he is growing up, excuse the expression, “mattyutya,” and I was raised in a military family, where for the slightest offense I received a slap... this child is not mine, I simply cannot raise my hand or shout at him, he does not listen to me, and all my conversations with him end in “nothing”, this all accumulates in me, and in As a result, we quarrel... My wife tells me, you don’t accept him, there is no education and support on your part, but how can I give it to him? Tell me how to understand the situation, otherwise I don’t know what it will lead to, I’m already tired of this confrontation....

Ivan, Russia, 24 years old

Psychologist's answer:

Hello, Ivan.

In order for a child to develop trust and interest, it takes time and sufficient authority, but in the meantime he sees that he annoys you, because you are used to being treated harshly, and the child is used to being treated tenderly, carefully, gently, protectively. Only you have power, not him. You are an adult, you can push the child away psychologically, get angry with him, you can cope with what you are experiencing, but how can a child cope with the fact that you treat him this way? Did he choose the method of upbringing, does he have the mental ability to manage the situation, how can he cope with the fact that the person, the man who is next to his mother, who should protect him, give him a feeling of confidence and security, is angry and irritated, and wants it to be the way he’s used to, the way he thinks is right, because that’s how it was for him? Imagine yourself as this child. How would you feel? He's just a child. If you have no experience in parenting, you can contact child psychologist together with your wife or on your own.

Sincerely, Lipkina Arina Yurievna.

The marriage is falling apart! I don’t know what else can be done! We seem to love each other, but constant quarrels and scandals. My husband is trying to live the way he wants, regardless of my opinion, and at the same time wants to save the family. It’s not possible to talk to him at all, he doesn’t admit his mistakes and always blames me for the conflict, saying that I’m ruining everything with my nagging, but I can’t remain silent when he disappears with friends day and night on weekends, and doesn’t come home before on weekdays. 12. When, in rare cases, it is possible to reach him and explain that he is wrong, he apologizes very reluctantly and makes promises that he subsequently does not keep, and when I remind him of them he accuses me of trying to take him at his word and again there is a scandal . Moreover, in other respects I have always been calm and balanced, but with him it doesn’t work, I try to start a conversation normally, but in response I only hear that I’m making a big deal out of a molehill and in general, I myself am to blame for my grievances because I am too categorical. As a result, word for word and scandal. I generally pretended that nothing was happening, stopped calling at night and asking where he was, so he himself began to call and ask how I missed him, promises to come in an hour, but returns again in the morning and behaves as if nothing had happened. I tried to speak absolutely calmly, but as a result he began to lose his temper, and wow. Phones were already flying into the wall in shoals, the plasma was broken, and in general the crazy person was getting really scared. Then he leaves and again swears that he loves me and cannot live without me, and in scandals he has kicked me out of the house more than once and said that he does not want to know me. In general, it is not possible to live like this for 2 days in the world, 10 in a quarrel. I don’t know what other approach to look for and whether this makes sense? Please, help!

Of course, I understand that live communication with a psychologist would be much more effective, and in general I understand that it is difficult to understand the situation in a one-sided and brief description problems, but unfortunately I won’t be able to talk to anyone about this now, yesterday we had a fight again, quite strongly. What he said to me yesterday had never been heard before, although he was pretty drunk, but it’s not for nothing that they say that a sober person has a sober mind... In general, now, when I even just remember last night, the tears themselves flow in a stream, and in this state I hardly Will I be able to explain anything, but my husband is categorically against going to a psychologist together. It generally infuriates him when I discuss our problems with someone. His behavior began after we submitted an application to the registry office, before that there were other problems and I did not agree to marry him for a long time, although we lived together, the fact is that this is our second marriage for both of us, and to step on those issues again I didn’t want a rake. Half a year before submitting the application, he changed beyond recognition, gave up all bad habits (drinking, smoking) (he also has problems with alcohol, it runs in the family on the male side. It’s not that he’s a hard drinker, it’s just that if he drinks, then He won’t stop until he falls over. After drinking, he’s drawn to adventures, he definitely needs to get to the bottom of someone, he leaves the house, doesn’t pick up the phone when I call, and then he can show up in the morning with broken fists or something else, or even from the police. At first, he himself admitted that he had this problem, he was even going to fix me up after he kicked me out of the house at 2 a.m., coming home after another drinking session in a bad mood. And in the morning he called and said that I was home with him. the work didn’t come, it’s good that his brother was visiting us at the time, and he told him how it all happened. Then he came for me, apologized, cried, begged me to come back, and then he promised to fix it, but in the end he decided to do it on his own). In general, those six months were paradise and I gave up and we submitted an application, a month later he started drinking again, we began to argue again and even wanted to cancel the wedding, but we seemed to have talked, I started a conversation without pretensions and accusations and offered to tell each other that we were friends in a friend we are not happy with, without emotion and with which we are not ready to put up. As a result, the conversation turned out to be quite productive. I learned a lot of new things about myself and tried to look at myself from the outside. I sincerely worked on myself, tried not to act in a way that offended him, and he pretended that he was trying. He found a way not to swear - it was to lie to me. he came up with fables, said that he was at work and he spent time with friends and girlfriends, this went on for some time and I believed, but one day he called and asked me to go to his VKontakte page and find the phone number of one person there, I went in, and there was a message from the girl in which she thanked him for some help, I became interested and I read the correspondence (although I had never dealt with such things), as a result it turned out that on that day, when he left me in the store, saying that there was an emergency at work, he went to get her and took her somewhere on her business, and then I read that he generally goes there very often, while he is “at work.” Then I began to read his entire correspondence with all his friends and everything was the same, he was with them at a time when I thought my poor working husband was tired, I took on all the household chores on myself, I was worried about him that he was working a lot. Of course, I immediately called him and asked how to understand this, to which he began to yell at me, that I was messing up in his letters and in general, how dare I, when I arrived home, he gave me a scandal and made a scene that I was behaving like a fool, that I’m sick, I’m still trying to find flaws in him and blame him for it. I didn’t even have time to insert a word... In general, since then it’s always been like this, only a complaint on my part - with his counter-accusation that I myself am creating a problem out of nothing and in general I annoyed him with my nagging. (although believe me, I’m generally silent about the little things, and only when my patience breaks after his next prank I try to reach him, but it’s all in vain. (I never blackmailed him that I’d leave) In May I left him, I’m just tired of hitting the wall misunderstanding and decided that they would stop tormenting each other. He didn’t even call for a week, then there were timid texts, then calls, he began to solve my problems, although I didn’t ask him to do this, then he finally gathered his courage and asked for forgiveness, he really asked me to come back, but I didn’t agree, then there was another candy-bouquet period, dates, and in general I gave up, returned, he immediately took tickets to Montenegro, we went on vacation and everything was great, but then everything returned to normal. If I hadn’t seen. that he can be different, then I would definitely have decided that there was no point in redoing it, but before the wedding we lived quite well, we had problems with drinking, but they were rare, and the rest of the time he tried to spend more time with me, he even ran away from work and drove across the whole city, just to spend five minutes with me, they constantly went somewhere, and he was the initiator, he sent dozens of SMS a day about how he was bored and wanted to see me, he tried to leave work early and go straight home. Then he quit his job and opened his own company, at first he worked a lot while everything was being organized, and there I realized that he came late and left early, we began to spend less time together, but I understood it all and never reproached him for it, later when everything was already organized, he practically stopped going to work, at first he lay around at home playing on the computer, watching TV, then he began to disappear somewhere, but not at work, and I came home from work tired and washed the dishes for him that he had soiled during the day, I prepared dinner and lunch for tomorrow, although before he always helped me, but now this is not a royal matter... In general, when he became a director, he even began to turn on the boss at home, and then he began to walk here and there at night and consider this the norm... I already asked directly : “Am I indifferent to you? Have you stopped loving me? In response, I only heard that I was sick, that I was inventing problems for myself, and that in general I just liked to suffer myself, that’s why I was arranging all this... I don’t know what influenced such changes in him, but at about the same time we submitted an application and he opened his own company, but maybe all this has nothing to do with it... We’re a little more than a year married, but honestly this year has been hell for me!

Question: I have been married for 1 year and two months now. During the entire time we lived, we often fought. The reason was that she was constantly deceiving me, three weeks after the nickname, I caught her with the fact that she was talking on the phone with some guy for two weeks and did not say that she was married, and he did not know. The most surprising thing to me is that she did not admit that she actually communicated with him and did not even apologize to me. I considered this a moral betrayal. The next day I cooled down and decided to close my eyes to it. A couple of weeks later we found out that she was pregnant. Then a terrible thing happened: I found out that she, while pregnant, smoked a lot, deceived me that she did not do this and ignored my swearing about smoking, continuing to smoke.

We had Nikah in November 2017. She worked until maternity leave for about 7 months, I worked every other day, returned late the next day after work, and then worked completely every other day. At that time, we lived with our parents, half a year after the nicknames, she began to go to her parents after our quarrel for two or three days, she began to set conditions for me, saying that she didn’t want to live with my parents, she, you see, was uncomfortable living with them . My parents didn’t do anything bad to her, they treated her with respect.

In general, we lived with my parents for 9 months, a child was born, after 40 days our parents finally decided to separate us. We lived separately and sometimes not happily, her relatives often came to our house, sometimes her mother, sometimes her sister. Her father, her mother and sister often interfered in our relationship, she also continued to smoke after giving birth, continued to deceive, did not listen, refused to go to my parents at all, and saw hers almost every day, did not look after me, did not really clean the house . In general, we lived together for a year. After the last quarrel, she called her mother, and she collected her things and took her home. He didn’t kick her out of the house; she left on her own initiative. I went to see her three or four times, trying to save the family. She didn’t want to listen to me and didn’t want to go back. She turned her parents against me, talked and made up nasty things about me. What should I do?

Answer from a psychological point of view:

Praise be to Allah, the Merciful and the All-Merciful! May Allah bless and greet the Prophet Muhammad, his family, his family, his companions and his followers. Amen.

Unfortunately, good changes in marital relationships are impossible until both want to change something and meet each other halfway. Marriage is a partnership where everyone takes on their half of the responsibilities and duties.

It seems like your wife wasn't ready for the real thing. family life. From a wedding celebration to everyday life, and even in her parents’ house, where she had to take into account other people’s opinions and other people’s habits. Perhaps she was not in the mood for this. Hence her attempts to get positive emotions through virtual communication “on the side,” when she corresponded with someone else’s guy on the Internet, and active smoking, which relieves stress and distracts from sad thoughts. Then your wife began to disappear at work. This may also be due to her desire to be distracted and get away from problems. And when nothing helped, and her strength was running out, she simply upped and left you for her parents. The time that you lived in a rented apartment could somehow have a positive impact on your relationship, but this did not happen. I consider two probable reasons for this: the active interference of the wife’s parents in your relationship, which may also indicate the wife’s excessive dependence on her relatives and her infantility (emotional immaturity), and the fact that you, as a husband and close person, could not find an approach to my wife, somehow get closer and solve the problem together. I don’t know your relationship, so I can’t advise you on what exactly and how you should have behaved with your wife during the period when you lived in a rented apartment. But the fact is that she did not see support in you and went where she found mutual understanding.

Your spouse's behavior is not what you expected from her. And here you agree with her: she is disappointed in you, and you are disappointed in her. Your expectations from family life did not match. But in order to change the behavior of your marriage partner, you had to not limit yourself to dry remarks addressed to her, but try to get closer to her. Constant complaints against her only worsened the situation. She didn’t see in you someone she could lean on, learn from, and with whom she could change for the better. Of course, the intervention of her family also took place, but, in particular, as an alternative to the lack of support and mutual understanding that she could receive from you.

Even the very style of writing the letter is indicative and critical in relation to your wife. Has she really done nothing good for you? Have you tried to understand her? I don't mean that you should have indulged her bad habits, turn a blind eye to the sins she commits against you. From a logical point of view, you did everything right, but to the detriment of relationships and at the cost of splitting the family. I urge you to educate your wife, and not oppress her with comments and put her in a state where she is forced to run away from you with a small child to her parents.

You have probably noticed yourself that your woman’s psychology is still childish, her expectations from marriage (like yours) have not been met, and her behavior in family life is far from what can be called consistent with her acquired status as a wife. But every married woman goes through it: for some it is easier, for others it is more difficult, for some it is faster, and for others it is slower. It is impossible to become a full-fledged wife and housewife on the second day after the wedding, just as it is impossible to be an ideal mother on the second day after giving birth. A woman needs to learn everything. And this requires time, diligence and a loved one who would support her good endeavors, accept and love her with all her weaknesses and shortcomings and believe that she can become even better, help take steps towards good changes in her. If a weak student is told throughout the entire educational process that he is “incompetent” and only his mistakes are pointed out, then he will soon run away from such a teacher to someone who loves him and sees the good in him. This normal desire healthy person. Therefore, think about whether you were too tough, categorical, offensive, annoying, etc. in your family life. I don’t know how it really was.

I suggest you look at the solution to the problem with your heart loving person, and not just the mind, which knows how it should be. After all, the process of education is very complex. And your woman deserves you to find her individual approach. This situation is also a test for you to become better. It is possible that your heart will soften and you will begin to think with your heart and not just with your head.

Remember how often you communicated with your spouse, took an interest in her needs, joked and played with her? Do you know her moral state? It is important not just to live with a person, but to be close to him, body and soul. Think about the emotional component of your nikah. If you began to change your spouse from afar, using the method I described above, then you yourself would begin to change within yourself. Because it is impossible to change your situation without changing yourself.

Try to return your wife to an apartment where you would live separately from your parents. Make time for your spouse. IN free time indulge in the halal activities she loves. Be interested in her needs, emotional state, spiritual growth. Encourage her to do good. Praise her for the slightest changes for the better. Accept her for who she is. Do not demand the impossible from your wife, but what she can change, help her good word, a kind gesture and a loving face. Don't rush her. Don't forget that women are completely different than men. It is not enough for a woman to understand how to do something. She must be tuned into the task that needs to be taught to her. Do not prevent your spouse from communicating with her family, but limit her contacts with them. They must understand that for the wife, now, you are the trustee and owner of her home. To make this less painful for the wife and for her relatives, it is necessary to devote more time to the wife, and express a good disposition towards her relatives, give them gifts, etc. If you manage to establish an emotional connection with your woman, then it will be easier for you to guide her actions, and accordingly, educate her in line with your expectations (that does not contradict Sharia). inshaAllah.

I hope I didn't hurt your feelings and was helpful in some way. May Allah make it easy for you!

And praise be to Allah, the Lord of the worlds! Amen.

Elvira Sadrutdinova

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When a prince on a white horse appears in our lives, and even with a marriage proposal, we are incredibly happy in our souls: “this is happiness.” But everything is not as simple as it might seem at first glance.

After the wedding, the prince no longer seems so ideal, “unexpectedly” it turns out that he throws his socks away, he is an ardent fan of some sports team, so there is no access to the TV in the hall... In general, let’s not talk about the bad. After all, we are not ideal either, and we ourselves can create the ground for a future break in relations.

"Which Nice dress, probably also my size"

You said, walking with your husband past the window of a store. But he will just look at it, and you will move on. He has no idea that in this way you are hinting at a purchase, or at least a fitting. He doesn’t understand what you want (and he doesn’t understand his involvement in your hints at all), and therefore your expectations will not come true.

And then grievances will begin to multiply in a woman’s head, and believe me, it will be completely unreasonable. Instead of hints, say directly that you need this dress, or something else, and then argue why. Everything is much simpler.

“You nag him and nag him, but he doesn’t care.”

One of the most pressing issues: he leaves his socks everywhere and doesn’t close his toothpaste tube. Even if a man does not have such problems, a saw woman will find and definitely find fault with any flaw, and will do this until the end of the marriage. Every day, reproach after reproach. But everything is useless; excessive pressure will never change him. It’s easier for a man to leave for another woman who won’t treat her sweet house husbands so viciously. So be kind.

“Where were you, when and with whom?”

We love to control everything, especially our husbands. Therefore, very often quarrels and scandals are associated with the fact that a man cannot breathe calmly, because he must report almost every move to his wife. But why does this happen?

Girls often discuss with their friends who cooked what, where they will be today, tomorrow, with whom, where to go on vacation, where to buy cheaper clothes, etc. Therefore, the husband may seem to us to be a kind of silent person, because when he comes home from work, he doesn’t say too much. Then thoughts begin to arise in a woman’s head: “He’s hiding something from me!” And constant phone calls begin to give reports about where he was, with whom, why, and what time he would be home.

It would seem that this is the same quality called jealousy, and besides, something really wrong may actually come to light. But we are smart girls, and we don’t want to ruin our marriage with constant interrogations. Therefore, if you want to test your husband’s fidelity, use more hidden possibilities. Even if your husband is hiding something, he personally will never tell the truth. The same goes for his friends. Ultimately, don't do anything you don't want to do. Just imagine what hell it is when a jealous husband calls you every 5 minutes to find out where you are and with whom.

"I have a headache"

If you think that by refusing sex you can punish your husband, then this is very bad advice. You are a family, not ordinary roommates. You are not small children to deprive your husband of “sweets” because of any misdeeds. In addition, there are a lot of women around who almost always have good mood and my head doesn't hurt. You will only have yourself to blame for this.

"I am a superwife"

No matter how strange it may sound, men are afraid of women who care too much about their husbands. Sometimes we ourselves choose for him a tie, clothes that will be worn during the day, we advise what is worth doing and what should be abandoned. Excessive guardianship imposes female superiority on a man, which will cause his resistance. Therefore, when a man says “I myself”, do not insist too much. Don't make him look like a small child in front of people.

We are all not perfect, so be more tolerant of each other and try to make concessions. And most importantly, to change someone, try to change yourself first.

How to choose a wife so as not to suffer later, what underwater rocks are waiting for a man in marriage,” said Bishop Panteleimon of Orekhovo-Zuevsky.

A good wife is a man's reward

Find good wife- the most difficult thing in life! But then, if you do right choice, there will be a reward for life. There is nothing better in the world than a kind, good wife.

Career, money, football, friends - all this is nonsense. The main thing is a family and a wife who is loving, kind, understanding, sacrificial, caring, affectionate, good mother for children.

This is why you can and should work hard. Unless a man has chosen the path of a monk, when for the sake of God he renounces worldly attachments and does not start a family.

You need to choose your wife carefully

There is no need to meet at random. You shouldn’t offer your hand and heart to everyone and, looking at the reaction, choose a wife from among those who agree. You play it safe, but what does it feel like for a girl? Will you confuse her and give her hope in vain?

Girls are gentle, trusting creatures, they quickly fall in love and are very worried when their feelings are not reciprocated. Women have more subjective view in reality than in men.

They trust their feelings more, so they easily believe that someone has fallen in love with them and is going to propose.

Remember this: meet girls, but be very, very careful.

I have had many such cases when a girl came to me and said:

There is a young man, I really like him, I would like to marry him.

Does he want you to become his wife? - I ask a question.

I think he likes me too, he smiles at me all the time.

I'm calling young man:

There is such and such a girl, do you like her?

So so…

Why are you smiling at her?

I smile at everyone.

Be careful not to smile at everyone. Be restrained and careful, do not make unnecessary promises.

If you are looking at an Orthodox girl, I advise you to go to her parish before meeting her. Look who she goes to for confession, talk to this priest. Tell him that you like this girl. Ask if you can meet her. Maybe she is already engaged, waiting for a groom from the army and therefore walks alone. Or maybe she is not in the mood to get married and is preparing to become a monk. The confessor will warn you about this and give advice that will help you avoid getting into an awkward position.

But the point is not only that the girl’s confessor will give you advice. It is important to find out with whom your future wife will solve spiritual and family problems.

It is very good to find out what kind of person this is, what kind of priest this is. Is he strict, are you ready to recognize his authority.

Find out more about the girl before you meet. Look what she writes in hers in social networks who her friends are, what her interests are. It happens that a girl looks Orthodox, but on her page you don’t understand what: she is “actively searching” and believes that she can demonstrate her beauty and discuss some inappropriate topics. This happens, unfortunately, be careful. Before you meet, take a closer look, think, weigh the pros and cons.

How to take the first step?

It is better not to start with a decisive step. This is very obliging. Sometimes friends invite single people to visit specifically with the intention of introducing them. In this case, both know what meeting they are going to, and it becomes awkward.

It's better to chat casually. For example, you found out that the girl is a volunteer. Sign up to volunteer, go to meetings, sit next to a girl during a tea party or at a concert, talk casually.

When you take the first step - inviting her to a movie or for a walk - you are already imposing some obligations on yourself.

Therefore, it is better to get acquainted casually, gradually. So as not to hurt the girl, do not reassure her in vain if you cannot marry her later.

Don't look perfect appearance

Some people like blondes, some like brunettes. Some are slim, some are plump. I had a friend who was looking for a wife with glasses. He thought that if she wore glasses, she would certainly be smart. Someone would like their wife to sing beautifully.

But you shouldn’t focus on the girl’s appearance. You need to pray to God and ask that the marriage be according to the will of God. It is most important. First of all, you need to think about what kind of heart she has, does she know how to love sacrificially, does she love children, is she ready to raise them, is she neat, is she ready to respect your opinion? These qualities are necessary in marriage.

Whichever beautiful girl she wasn’t, you won’t put her in a corner and admire her for thirty years.

Eventually, she will age, her hair will turn grey, and her figure will change. But you are not getting married to brag to your friends, but to live your life next to her. So that she loves you, so that she tolerates you, so that she cooks for you, so that she helps you. You yourself are far from “Apollos”.

It's best to be the same age

Archimandrite John (Krestyankin) said that an age difference of more than five years is already some obstacle to marriage. This is not an absolute obstacle, but it is still better for the wife to be about the same age as her husband.

Of course, it also happens differently. So, let's say, the famous Moscow shepherd, wise and experienced confessor, Archpriest Vsevolod Shpiller was ten years younger than his wife Lyudmila Sergeevna. Their marriage was very happy, they loved each other very much.

But I also know other cases: when young men, having chosen a wife 5 or 10 years older than themselves and received a blessing for this marriage, then began to court young girls and the marriages were destroyed. This happens, unfortunately.

Who to consult?

I am very afraid when they turn to the so-called. The “elders” easily bless two people unknown to them for marriage. One must be very careful with such “blessings.” In our age, you need to create a family with a girl for whom you have a feeling of love, and not with the one whom “father said” to marry.

Sometimes there is physical hostility towards another person; there is something subtle about him that you don’t like. Someone else may not notice this, but you notice and you feel uncomfortable, unpleasant to be around. Someone sniffles, someone picks their teeth with a toothpick, someone straightens their clothes in an unattractive way...

You need to make a decision by relying on God, by praying, but by yourself. You don’t choose your parents, you don’t choose your children, but you can choose your wife. And this choice is very serious. Talk to your confessor, consult with your parents.

Your mind and heart must approve of your choice

Love must be combined with reason. You can't act based on feelings alone.

When they say: “This feeling is stronger than me! I can't handle this! - is not real love, and sinful passion: deceptive, selfish and exalted. Love must be in harmony with reason.

But there cannot be a purely rational choice: yeah, she’s beautiful, rich, humble, meek, she has a good confessor, she has an apartment, her parents are rich, she’ll do! I'm getting married! And the heart is silent.

No, you need to have a feeling for the girl, and your mind needs to agree with it. When there is agreement between mind and heart, this is exactly the right choice.

Probationary period – one year

My advice to you is to wait at least a year to get married after you have already proposed. Sometimes this period can be reduced, but it is better to wait. Women are fickle people. Much depends on their mood: in the spring they are alone, in the fall they are different, in the winter they may become despondent, and in the summer, on the contrary, they become overly active.

And don't forget that when a girl wants to please you, she can make a deceptive impression on you.

She will look into your mouth, agree with everything you say, and treat you very respectfully. And then everything can change.

It’s good to do something together at this time. Participate in common projects. Find an opportunity to be with the girl in both business and leisure.

You can go to museums together, you can go to the theater or the skating rink, and talk more. It is important to see a person in a variety of life situations.

Pay attention to how your chosen one communicates with her parents, with her friends, what she likes, how she dresses, how often she goes to church, how she spends her free time, how she spends her vacation. Otherwise, you may end up marrying a girl you don't know at all. And your marriage living together will become a complete torment - your habits will be so different and incompatible. Therefore, I repeat once again: there is no need to rush.

First kiss - at the wedding

It is very important during the dating process - all this year before the wedding - to maintain chastity. Learn chastity. The first kiss is allowed only at the end of the wedding.

I'll explain why. Man has certain mechanisms that were created by God. Not bad mechanisms, good ones. They are needed so that there are children, so that there is an expression of love, so that people unite into one, not only in soul, but also in body. There is nothing wrong.

But these mechanisms should turn on only when you have chosen your wife as a person, and not as a partner to satisfy carnal desires. Although, of course, marital relationships are a very important component of family life, marriage is also a school of chastity, marriage is also a school of abstinence.

Sooner or later, close relationships will end - well, at sixty, well, at seventy, at eighty years old, maybe. Therefore, you cannot base a family on them.

Physical relationships are a consequence of marriage, they are natural in marriage, but should not be the main thing. The main thing should be love for your wife, care, attention, sympathy, the desire to learn to love.

Joy marital relations short-term and short-lived, but you will have to live with this person all your life. There is also the joy of friendship, the joy of spiritual communication, the joy of working together, raising children.

Once you get married, kiss to your health!

When you have confirmed your decision to connect your life with this girl, God and your parents have blessed you - then after the wedding you can start all the mechanisms, kiss your health! Maybe you shouldn't do it for show. At our parish weddings they don’t shout “bitterly”, and the newlyweds behave with restraint. And before the wedding, you need to avoid everything that can strengthen carnal feelings and lead to serious sin.

Some people say: “You have to try it in advance whether it will work or not.” This is not a Christian approach at all. You can and should pray to God that “everything will work out.” And we pray during the sacrament of marriage for the unity of souls and bodies.

But physical relationships are often the source of grief in marriage. Over time, some of the spouses become bored with them and become unnecessary, but for others, vice versa. There are bound to be some inconsistencies here. There is no need to be afraid of this.

Just don't make this side of the marriage dominant.

If carnal desires begin to be cultivated before marriage, a person loses chastity, integrity of consciousness, and becomes one-sided. The spiritual, spiritual component of his human nature is diminished in him. The mind and higher feelings are clouded by lustful passion. Marriage is not based on true, selfless love, but on the desire to satisfy the flesh. I think this is the main reason for the destruction of families in our time.

Therefore, it is important to develop friendly, trusting human relationships before marriage. Then the carnal aspect will become their natural completion and will take its correct, appropriate place in the entire spectrum family relations.

Prodigal passion is a dark moonless night, it crushes the soul with its weight, makes a person a slave to the rebellious flesh, deprives him of freedom, rejects him from communication with God, and plunges him into the hopeless darkness of impurity. The close relationships of spouses are blessed by God, express their desire for complete unity, and find meaning in the conception of the fruit of love - a child. Here the flesh follows the soul, is purified in the fire of love, and serves as an expression of love.

The joy of close marital relationships, inspired by love for the closest person in the world, was never dreamed of by fornicators and harlots, for whom all pleasure comes down to satisfying carnal needs.

Husband's first duty

Remember that your first responsibility as a husband is to love your wife. Women are different. They know how to love stronger, they are more tender, often more faithful. They have a beautiful, active soul. They are more attentive, more caring. And more fragile, weak.

A man who is going to get married must be ready in advance to protect his wife, understand her weaknesses, tolerate her shortcomings, listen to her experiences, and console her.

She needs to be firm in matters of principle, but in small things - let her do as she pleases. If he wants it differently, please.

A wife must certainly have an area of ​​activity in which she decides everything herself.

With small children, for example, let him deal with it as he sees fit. Don't get involved. When they grow up, you will study with them, tell them, explain, etc. In the meantime, while they are still babies, leave the wife the opportunity to make decisions for herself. Support her.

Don't be afraid to be affectionate

When you first meet a girl, you are ready to talk to her for hours. And when she becomes your wife, it turns out that you are more interested in going to your friends.

But wives are really looking forward to your attention. They complain to me in confession: “When he comes home, he’s silent, doesn’t say a word.”

Before entering the house, stand on the landing and read the “Our Father” three times.

No matter what happens during the day at work, you should come home happy and hug your wife.

You can give her a bouquet of flowers, chocolate or whatever she likes.

Gifts should be given to your wife not only on her birthday, but more often, in order to somehow support her. Because it will be very difficult for her at home with children.

You are at work, you have friends and acquaintances there, maybe you didn’t work, but sat on the Internet all day. You have there interesting life, and my wife does everything the same every day - children, cleaning, kitchen.

It's not that easy for modern woman.

Therefore, at home you must support your wife, help wash the dishes, clean up. Don’t say that “this is a woman’s business, my business is to work, your business is to take care of the house.” It is not right. The traditional distribution of gender roles is no longer working.

Don't be afraid to be different - don't be afraid to be affectionate, gentle, caring and help your wife. When you come home, do not demand services from her. Be sure to talk to her.

You talked enough at work, and she had no one to talk to at home. And don’t blame her for talking a lot on the phone: women have a greater need to talk than you and I.

I should note that it also happens differently. One woman complained to me that her husband, when he came home, pestered her with conversations and questions, but she wanted to rest. Therefore, my advice to talk more and communicate with your wife is not absolute. You need to understand how you can please her - conversation or silence, and choose what she needs now.

There is no need to immediately eradicate shortcomings

Take your time.

One man told me that his wife began to snore over time. At first he woke her up, and then he thought: “I’m waking her up, but she’s tired. I'd rather be patient a little.

Even if I don’t sleep, she will get some sleep.” And he stopped waking her up.

He told me that he felt very good in his soul, as if he had accomplished some ascetic feat. Even such small feats of sacrificial love are very important in family life. And the family will become stronger. By the way, through his prayers, his wife stopped snoring.

Make sure your wife gets some rest

Don't interfere with your wife's acceptable entertainment.

Women love to go to stores and shop. And let her walk, you don’t have to walk with her, you can sit in the car and wait until she returns.

It is important to understand that for a wife this is relaxation, an opportunity to escape from the household routine. Maybe this is not entirely correct, but this is how women have fun and relax.

Another relaxation option for some women is to read something on the Internet. The main thing is that she doesn’t go there for the whole day. To do this, do not give your wife a bad example, try not to stay too long online. I have seen families where everyone has their own tablet, they sit, drink tea, and everyone looks at something on their tablet. I'm afraid there is no communication in this family.

Don't shy away from childbearing

A marriage should have as many children as God gives. You need to discuss this topic with your wife before marriage so that she is ready for it. Find out in advance if she agrees. Living otherwise is a sin.

Having children is salvation for a woman. She may lose outer beauty, but she gains inner beauty - the beauty of the soul. Mothers of many children are very wise women, very good, reliable, wonderful, amazing people.

When carrying a child, a woman does hard work. This needs to be remembered. During pregnancy, a woman becomes irritable, nervous, and easily loses her temper. You need to be especially careful, affectionate, gentle with her. Especially be patient with her during this period.

But when the wife gives birth to a child, she will blossom so much - you simply cannot be overjoyed. There are such wonderful women after childbirth - amazingly beautiful, amazingly complacent, amazingly joyful. And the child himself also brings joy to the family. Every new baby- absolutely new person, unlike anyone else, special.

Stay home and pray

I would not allow my wife to give birth at home. There are very sad cases. And I don’t think the husband should be present at the birth in the maternity hospital. Even if the wife really asks. It's better to avoid this. I was once at a birth when there was a danger that the child would die, and he had to be baptized immediately. The spectacle is not for the faint of heart.

You need to pray at this time. It’s not like I sent my wife to give birth and went to celebrate with friends. No. This time should be spent in prayer: pray to God, read the canon of the Mother of God, prepare the house for the arrival of your wife, call her. But you shouldn’t be present at the birth.

During pregnancy, you can discuss this issue with your wife and come to an agreement. You can prepare for childbirth together, go to courses together, but then stay at home and pray.

Don't give reasons for jealousy

Be very careful when interacting with other women. Don't give reasons for jealousy. So that you cannot even be suspected of anything. Because if you act freely with other women, it may seem that you are neglecting your wife and you are interested in someone else.

Until you get married, friends come first for you. But when you get married, your wife will always come first.

You can visit alone, meet with friends, but think about what your wife will do at this time? If she gets bored, then you will have to reduce the time spent with friends.

You need to love your wife more than friends, more than work, more than other relatives.

If she has her own entertainment and her own friends, then you can split up the time and spend the evening or weekend separately. I know some mothers of many children They are very happy about the opportunity to be alone at home, but, of course, they also need to arrange a holiday together.

In marriage a person becomes himself

Marriage solves many problems, but new ones arise. Marriage is not a solution to all problems, but a transfer of life to a different quality. In marriage, a person becomes himself.

Marriage allows a person to know himself. When your “alter ego” appears—your wife—you will see a reflection of yourself in her.

In a family man - a husband - qualities develop that are impossible to develop in oneself without the wife given to him by God.

You have to be ready to die for your wife

When you choose a wife, you need to understand that you must be ready to die for this woman. But risking your life in vain is not worth it. If you die and she is left alone or with the children, she will face difficult trials. It is easier for a man to live alone than for a woman. Previously, widows were even a special category of sufferers, whom the Church especially helped.

Of course, your sacrificial attitude towards your wife should not be expressed only in words, but also in deeds, in prayers, in the readiness to really lay down your life for her and do everything for her. You don’t need to specifically talk about this, but you need to tune in to it internally.

You must understand that you choose a wife once, and you will not have another wife. Priests generally do not have the right to marry a second time. The Church allows a widowed man to find another wife for the sake of his children. But it’s still better for the marriage to be the only one.