Approved for publication by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church
IS R14-417-1569
Loneliness: a solution to a problem
Reasons for loneliness: find and neutralize
You are already 25, 27, 30 years old, and your cherished dream - to have your own happy family - is in no hurry to come true. Birthdays and New Year's celebrations are increasingly becoming reasons for sadness - another year has passed, but I never got married, nothing has changed, I can’t see the lumen. And what to do?
The search for a way out of loneliness can be compared with the repair of a home. Someone likes to glue wallpapers and lay tiles with their own hands, someone hires a master - it all depends on the possibilities and preferences of the hostess. But even if you entrust the repair to others, sooner or later they will finish work and leave your home, and you should live in it. So, turning to a professional - a psychologist - does not guarantee a solution to the problem: in any case, you have to act yourself.
For me, the search for the causes of loneliness was like passing the next level of a computer game-rpg. There are such passionate players looking for ways to capture a castle or extract an artifact for hours. So I once decided: let the search for the "keys" of loneliness be my main job, and whether it is then worth opening the lock and moving to a different standard of living - I will solve this later.
And I went looking for myself: on the examples of the heroines of literature, cinema and real life, I tried to understand the reasons that made the girl remain alone. I eagerly read and watched any movies where the heroines were old virgins, abandoned lovers and independent single ladies trying to realize themselves in work. And once I was able to look at myself from the outside and see the main reason, with a heavy barrier blocking my path to family happiness.
The reasons for loneliness are as follows.
I do not respect men.
For example, a girl grew up in a family where grandfather was a weak-willed and dumb henpecked with an overbearing grandmother, his mother and father divorced shortly after her birth, and he was called nothing more than a “scoundrel” and a “bastard”, and an aunt who lost count to husbands and lovers , not one of them flattered. How can a girl raised in such a family have respect for men? She since childhood firmly learned that all men are either weaklings or traitors.
If this is your case, try the following exercise: at the sight of acquaintances and strangers of the stronger sex, repeat to yourself: "men are good."
I do not allow myself to be happier than mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, work colleagues.
Katya came to work at school at the age of 22 and, being a young and inexperienced specialist, tried her best to win the love and recognition of her senior colleagues. It was important for her to enter this school, which was new for her, for the school — joint gatherings in the teacher’s during a big break, long conversations.
But the trouble is - as is often the case with pedagogical groups, most of the teachers were either single or divorced. And Katya, as luck would have it, had a beloved bridegroom, and a wedding was planned in a few months. But any joyful tales of happiness in personal life were “punished” here with stone expressions of the faces of listeners. But complaints that the groom did not call on time, was not polite during dinner with his parents, did not give the desired roses for his birthday, evoked strong emotional support: “Yes, yes, men — they are like that, they’re the only ones with frustration.” And Katya, being an obedient girl, was used to talking only bad things about her personal life at work. The result was not long in coming - for several weeks of such “psychotherapy” the wedding was upset, and she broke up with the groom. Katya worked at this school for about ten years, remaining lonely. In order to get rid of the influence of the teaching staff and happily marry, she had to do a lot of work on herself.
I suffer - that means I'm good and go to heaven.
Girls with such an attitude are found in the church environment quite often. They like to emphasize their non-peace, timelessness and numerous virtues. “I am not like this modern youth. I don’t go to nightclubs, I don’t enter into intimate relations on the first day of my acquaintance, I can not stand the smell of alcohol, so it’s hard for me. I had to be born in the century before last. I wear long skirts and closed blouses, I listen only to classical music, in the evenings I sit at home and embroider a cross, every Sunday I go to church, and after the liturgy I help my sick grandmother and bake pies. Am I destined to meet my happiness without sacrificing my principles? Today, only shameless harlots who attract men by consent to sexual perversions marry. ”
A familiar portrait? Have you met? There are two lies at once: firstly, far from all modern youth goes to terrible dens and indulges in sophisticated debauchery. Secondly, there are many men who dream of marrying just a modest virgin homebody with needlework and pies. But for girls of this type it is very important for their "virtues" to pay with suffering and loneliness, otherwise their life loses all meaning. If tomorrow she’s not a “drunken lascivious nightclub”, but a modest domestic young man who loves not noisy parties, but reading books in the country or helping parents, he will also be caught in many vices and rejected. After all, true virtue must suffer! Lonely…
I am so afraid of the pain of a possible break in relations that I don’t enter into them at all.
Such girls leave potential suitors first, because they are too afraid to be abandoned themselves. Often they are beautiful, surrounded by fans, but they don’t go for serious relationships with anyone.
To cope with a problem, you need to learn how to take risks. Neither vows of love, nor wedding, nor wedding, nor the birth of children give a guarantee of long family happiness. In addition, even loving spouses have to go through separation by death - to all, without exception. Therefore, you should learn to enjoy life and be happy here and now.
I find family life boring, and romantic misery interesting and exciting.
At the age of 18–20 I had a wonderful company, in which several happy couples formed, they got married, many became priests and mothers. And every time, for some reason, the news about my friend’s wedding was amazing. “Are you getting married? For whom? For Dima? And who is Dima? ” And then I recalled that I had sat at the same table with Dima many times, prayed next to him, went on a pilgrimage, but I did not see him as a young man, a possible groom. The problem was that he was looking for a wife and children, and I was someone who could fall in love, and then suffer because of the lack of his attention.
When different social networks appeared, I decided to find men there whom I was very in love with in different years. I was over thirty, they were also thirty to forty. And it turned out that not one of them created a family. Someone got married and quickly divorced, someone in their forties had never entered into a marriage. But everything is very simple - I strove only for those who refused, in principle, the prospect of creating a family, and, of course, made me as a potential bride, making me suffer. I realized: it was suffering that attracted me, not specific people.
Of course, many more reasons for female loneliness can be added to this list. But the most difficult thing in overcoming them is to honestly admit to myself: “Yes, I’m running away from my happiness - I recognize myself in the behavior of the heroines of films and books. But I don’t want to be like them. ”
One has only to understand and accept it, and happiness will overtake you.
Olga Tumanova
Female loneliness: how to get out of it
Approved for publication by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church
IS R14-417-1569
Loneliness: a solution to a problem
Reasons for loneliness: find and neutralize
You are already 25, 27, 30 years old, and your cherished dream - to have your own happy family - is in no hurry to come true. Birthdays and New Year's celebrations are increasingly becoming reasons for sadness - another year has passed, but I never got married, nothing has changed, I can’t see the lumen. And what to do?
The search for a way out of loneliness can be compared with the repair of a home. Someone likes to glue wallpapers and lay tiles with their own hands, someone hires a master - it all depends on the possibilities and preferences of the hostess. But even if you entrust the repair to others, sooner or later they will finish work and leave your home, and you should live in it. So, turning to a professional - a psychologist - does not guarantee a solution to the problem: in any case, you have to act yourself.
For me, the search for the causes of loneliness was like passing the next level of a computer game-rpg. There are such passionate players looking for ways to capture a castle or extract an artifact for hours. So I once decided: let the search for the "keys" of loneliness be my main job, and whether it is then worth opening the lock and moving to a different standard of living - I will solve this later.
And I went looking for myself: on the examples of the heroines of literature, cinema and real life, I tried to understand the reasons that made the girl remain alone. I eagerly read and watched any movies where the heroines were old virgins, abandoned lovers and independent single ladies trying to realize themselves in work. And once I was able to look at myself from the outside and see the main reason, with a heavy barrier blocking my path to family happiness.
The reasons for loneliness are as follows.
I do not respect men.
For example, a girl grew up in a family where grandfather was a weak-willed and dumb henpecked with an overbearing grandmother, his mother and father divorced shortly after her birth, and he was called nothing more than a “scoundrel” and a “bastard”, and an aunt who lost count to husbands and lovers , not one of them flattered. How can a girl raised in such a family have respect for men? She since childhood firmly learned that all men are either weaklings or traitors.
If this is your case, try the following exercise: at the sight of acquaintances and strangers of the stronger sex, repeat to yourself: "men are good."
I do not allow myself to be happier than mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, work colleagues.
Katya came to work at school at the age of 22 and, being a young and inexperienced specialist, tried her best to win the love and recognition of her senior colleagues. It was important for her to enter this school, which was new for her, for the school — joint gatherings in the teacher’s during a big break, long conversations.
But the trouble is - as is often the case with pedagogical groups, most of the teachers were either single or divorced. And Katya, as luck would have it, had a beloved bridegroom, and a wedding was planned in a few months. But any joyful tales of happiness in personal life were “punished” here with stone expressions of the faces of listeners. But complaints that the groom did not call on time, was not polite during dinner with his parents, did not give the desired roses for his birthday, evoked strong emotional support: “Yes, yes, men — they are like that, they’re the only ones with frustration.” And Katya, being an obedient girl, was used to talking only bad things about her personal life at work. The result was not long in coming - for several weeks of such “psychotherapy” the wedding was upset, and she broke up with the groom. Katya worked at this school for about ten years, remaining lonely. In order to get rid of the influence of the teaching staff and happily marry, she had to do a lot of work on herself.
I suffer - that means I'm good and go to heaven.
Girls with such an attitude are found in the church environment quite often. They like to emphasize their non-peace, timelessness and numerous virtues. “I am not like this modern youth. I don’t go to nightclubs, I don’t enter into intimate relations on the first day of my acquaintance, I can not stand the smell of alcohol, so it’s hard for me. I had to be born in the century before last. I wear long skirts and closed blouses, I listen only to classical music, in the evenings I sit at home and embroider a cross, every Sunday I go to church, and after the liturgy I help my sick grandmother and bake pies. Am I destined to meet my happiness without sacrificing my principles? Today, only shameless harlots who attract men by consent to sexual perversions marry. ”
A familiar portrait? Have you met? There are two lies at once: firstly, far from all modern youth goes to terrible dens and indulges in sophisticated debauchery. Secondly, there are many men who dream of marrying just a modest virgin homebody with needlework and pies. But for girls of this type it is very important for their "virtues" to pay with suffering and loneliness, otherwise their life loses all meaning. If tomorrow she’s not a “drunken lascivious nightclub”, but a modest domestic young man who loves not noisy parties, but reading books in the country or helping parents, he will also be caught in many vices and rejected. After all, true virtue must suffer! Lonely…
I am so afraid of the pain of a possible break in relations that I don’t enter into them at all.
Such girls leave potential suitors first, because they are too afraid to be abandoned themselves. Often they are beautiful, surrounded by fans, but they don’t go for serious relationships with anyone.
To cope with a problem, you need to learn how to take risks. Neither vows of love, nor wedding, nor wedding, nor the birth of children give a guarantee of long family happiness. In addition, even loving spouses have to go through separation by death - to all, without exception. Therefore, you should learn to enjoy life and be happy here and now.
I find family life boring, and romantic misery interesting and exciting.
At the age of 18–20 I had a wonderful company, in which several happy couples formed, they got married, many became priests and mothers. And every time, for some reason, the news about my friend’s wedding was amazing. “Are you getting married? For whom? For Dima? And who is Dima? ” And then I recalled that I had sat at the same table with Dima many times, prayed next to him, went on a pilgrimage, but I did not see him as a young man, a possible groom. The problem was that he was looking for a wife and children, and I was someone who could fall in love, and then suffer because of the lack of his attention.
When different social networks appeared, I decided to find men there whom I was very in love with in different years. I was over thirty, they were also thirty to forty. And it turned out that not one of them created a family. Someone got married and quickly divorced, someone in their forties had never entered into a marriage. But everything is very simple - I strove only for those who refused, in principle, the prospect of creating a family, and, of course, made me as a potential bride, making me suffer. I realized: it was suffering that attracted me, not specific people.
Of course, many more reasons for female loneliness can be added to this list. But the most difficult thing in overcoming them is to honestly admit to myself: “Yes, I’m running away from my happiness - I recognize myself in the behavior of the heroines of films and books. But I don’t want to be like them. ”
One has only to understand and accept it, and happiness will overtake you.
5 Ways to Become a Sad Maiden
There are girls in the world who are not bad at all, and are dressed well, and they won't reach a pocket in a word, but they don’t reach for them, they don’t. There is, as they say, no raisins, no peppercorns, nor any other spices or spices. They are sweet, but fresh, like diet bread without yeast and salt. Useful, correct, but boring.
Let's see what makes beautiful girls dull.
Strong set of rules not subject to audit
The towel should hang on a hook, tea and coffee is served after dessert, a business suit even in summer requires a stocking, and pink is not worn with green. So taught mom and grandmother. However, behind the familiar set of standards, we do not notice that the world has changed. We all stand under an umbrella and do not dare to fold it, although the sun has long shone in the sky. Or we walk along the green grass in felt boots with galoshes.
In addition, the implementation of the rules without reason is fraught with disappointment: we expect others to fulfill these rules and are disappointed if they do not consider them generally accepted and important. For example, men do not give you tulips on March 8, which means that something is wrong in the world.
Olga Tumanova
Female loneliness: how to get out of it
Approved for publication by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church
IS R14-417-1569
Loneliness: a solution to a problem
Reasons for loneliness: find and neutralize
You are already 25, 27, 30 years old, and your cherished dream - to have your own happy family - is in no hurry to come true. Birthdays and New Year's celebrations are increasingly becoming reasons for sadness - another year has passed, but I never got married, nothing has changed, I can’t see the lumen. And what to do?
The search for a way out of loneliness can be compared with the repair of a home. Someone likes to glue wallpapers and lay tiles with their own hands, someone hires a master - it all depends on the possibilities and preferences of the hostess. But even if you entrust the repair to others, sooner or later they will finish work and leave your home, and you should live in it. So, turning to a professional - a psychologist - does not guarantee a solution to the problem: in any case, you have to act yourself.
For me, the search for the causes of loneliness was like passing the next level of a computer game-rpg. There are such passionate players looking for ways to capture a castle or extract an artifact for hours. So I once decided: let the search for the "keys" of loneliness be my main job, and whether it is then worth opening the lock and moving to a different standard of living - I will solve this later.
And I went looking for myself: on the examples of the heroines of literature, cinema and real life, I tried to understand the reasons that made the girl remain alone. I eagerly read and watched any movies where the heroines were old virgins, abandoned lovers and independent single ladies trying to realize themselves in work. And once I was able to look at myself from the outside and see the main reason, with a heavy barrier blocking my path to family happiness.
The reasons for loneliness are as follows.
I do not respect men.
For example, a girl grew up in a family where grandfather was a weak-willed and dumb henpecked with an overbearing grandmother, his mother and father divorced shortly after her birth, and he was called nothing more than a “scoundrel” and a “bastard”, and an aunt who lost count to husbands and lovers , not one of them flattered. How can a girl raised in such a family have respect for men? She since childhood firmly learned that all men are either weaklings or traitors.
If this is your case, try the following exercise: at the sight of acquaintances and strangers of the stronger sex, repeat to yourself: "men are good."
I do not allow myself to be happier than mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, work colleagues.
Katya came to work at school at the age of 22 and, being a young and inexperienced specialist, tried her best to win the love and recognition of her senior colleagues. It was important for her to enter this school, which was new for her, for the school — joint gatherings in the teacher’s during a big break, long conversations.
But the trouble is - as is often the case with pedagogical groups, most of the teachers were either single or divorced. And Katya, as luck would have it, had a beloved bridegroom, and a wedding was planned in a few months. But any joyful tales of happiness in personal life were “punished” here with stone expressions of the faces of listeners. But complaints that the groom did not call on time, was not polite during dinner with his parents, did not give the desired roses for his birthday, evoked strong emotional support: “Yes, yes, men — they are like that, they’re the only ones with frustration.” And Katya, being an obedient girl, was used to talking only bad things about her personal life at work. The result was not long in coming - for several weeks of such “psychotherapy” the wedding was upset, and she broke up with the groom. Katya worked at this school for about ten years, remaining lonely. In order to get rid of the influence of the teaching staff and happily marry, she had to do a lot of work on herself.
I suffer - that means I'm good and go to heaven.
Girls with such an attitude are found in the church environment quite often. They like to emphasize their non-peace, timelessness and numerous virtues. “I am not like this modern youth. I don’t go to nightclubs, I don’t enter into intimate relations on the first day of my acquaintance, I can not stand the smell of alcohol, so it’s hard for me. I had to be born in the century before last. I wear long skirts and closed blouses, I listen only to classical music, in the evenings I sit at home and embroider a cross, every Sunday I go to church, and after the liturgy I help my sick grandmother and bake pies. Am I destined to meet my happiness without sacrificing my principles? Today, only shameless harlots who attract men by consent to sexual perversions marry. ”
A familiar portrait? Have you met? There are two lies at once: firstly, far from all modern youth goes to terrible dens and indulges in sophisticated debauchery. Secondly, there are many men who dream of marrying just a modest virgin homebody with needlework and pies. But for girls of this type it is very important for their "virtues" to pay with suffering and loneliness, otherwise their life loses all meaning. If tomorrow she’s not a “drunken lascivious nightclub”, but a modest domestic young man who loves not noisy parties, but reading books in the country or helping parents, he will also be caught in many vices and rejected. After all, true virtue must suffer! Lonely…
I am so afraid of the pain of a possible break in relations that I don’t enter into them at all.
Such girls leave potential suitors first, because they are too afraid to be abandoned themselves. Often they are beautiful, surrounded by fans, but they don’t go for serious relationships with anyone.
To cope with a problem, you need to learn how to take risks. Neither vows of love, nor wedding, nor wedding, nor the birth of children give a guarantee of long family happiness. In addition, even loving spouses have to go through separation by death - to all, without exception. Therefore, you should learn to enjoy life and be happy here and now.
I find family life boring, and romantic misery interesting and exciting.
At the age of 18–20 I had a wonderful company, in which several happy couples formed, they got married, many became priests and mothers. And every time, for some reason, the news about my friend’s wedding was amazing. “Are you getting married? For whom? For Dima? And who is Dima? ” And then I recalled that I had sat at the same table with Dima many times, prayed next to him, went on a pilgrimage, but I did not see him as a young man, a possible groom. The problem was that he was looking for a wife and children, and I was someone who could fall in love, and then suffer because of the lack of his attention.
When different social networks appeared, I decided to find men there whom I was very in love with in different years. I was over thirty, they were also thirty to forty. And it turned out that not one of them created a family. Someone got married and quickly divorced, someone in their forties had never entered into a marriage. But everything is very simple - I strove only for those who refused, in principle, the prospect of creating a family, and, of course, made me as a potential bride, making me suffer. I realized: it was suffering that attracted me, not specific people.
Of course, many more reasons for female loneliness can be added to this list. But the most difficult thing in overcoming them is to honestly admit to myself: “Yes, I’m running away from my happiness - I recognize myself in the behavior of the heroines of films and books. But I don’t want to be like them. ”
One has only to understand and accept it, and happiness will overtake you.
5 Ways to Become a Sad Maiden
There are girls in the world who are not bad at all, and are dressed well, and they won't reach a pocket in a word, but they don’t reach for them, they don’t. There is, as they say, no raisins, no peppercorns, nor any other spices or spices. They are sweet, but fresh, like diet bread without yeast and salt. Useful, correct, but boring.
Olga Tumanova
Female loneliness: how to get out of it
Approved for publication by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church
IS R14-417-1569
Loneliness: a solution to a problem
Reasons for loneliness: find and neutralize
You are already 25, 27, 30 years old, and your cherished dream - to have your own happy family - is in no hurry to come true. Birthdays and New Year's celebrations are increasingly becoming reasons for sadness - another year has passed, but I never got married, nothing has changed, I can’t see the lumen. And what to do?
The search for a way out of loneliness can be compared with the repair of a home. Someone likes to glue wallpapers and lay tiles with their own hands, someone hires a master - it all depends on the possibilities and preferences of the hostess. But even if you entrust the repair to others, sooner or later they will finish work and leave your home, and you should live in it. So, turning to a professional - a psychologist - does not guarantee a solution to the problem: in any case, you have to act yourself.
For me, the search for the causes of loneliness was like passing the next level of a computer game-rpg. There are such passionate players looking for ways to capture a castle or extract an artifact for hours. So I once decided: let the search for the "keys" of loneliness be my main job, and whether it is then worth opening the lock and moving to a different standard of living - I will solve this later.
And I went looking for myself: on the examples of the heroines of literature, cinema and real life, I tried to understand the reasons that made the girl remain alone. I eagerly read and watched any movies where the heroines were old virgins, abandoned lovers and independent single ladies trying to realize themselves in work. And once I was able to look at myself from the outside and see the main reason, with a heavy barrier blocking my path to family happiness.
The reasons for loneliness are as follows.
I do not respect men.
For example, a girl grew up in a family where grandfather was a weak-willed and dumb henpecked with an overbearing grandmother, his mother and father divorced shortly after her birth, and he was called nothing more than a “scoundrel” and a “bastard”, and an aunt who lost count to husbands and lovers , not one of them flattered. How can a girl raised in such a family have respect for men? She since childhood firmly learned that all men are either weaklings or traitors.
If this is your case, try the following exercise: at the sight of acquaintances and strangers of the stronger sex, repeat to yourself: "men are good."
I do not allow myself to be happier than mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, work colleagues.
Katya came to work at school at the age of 22 and, being a young and inexperienced specialist, tried her best to win the love and recognition of her senior colleagues. It was important for her to enter this school, which was new for her, for the school — joint gatherings in the teacher’s during a big break, long conversations.
But the trouble is - as is often the case with pedagogical groups, most of the teachers were either single or divorced. And Katya, as luck would have it, had a beloved bridegroom, and a wedding was planned in a few months. But any joyful tales of happiness in personal life were “punished” here with stone expressions of the faces of listeners. But complaints that the groom did not call on time, was not polite during dinner with his parents, did not give the desired roses for his birthday, evoked strong emotional support: “Yes, yes, men — they are like that, they’re the only ones with frustration.” And Katya, being an obedient girl, was used to talking only bad things about her personal life at work. The result was not long in coming - for several weeks of such “psychotherapy” the wedding was upset, and she broke up with the groom. Katya worked at this school for about ten years, remaining lonely. In order to get rid of the influence of the teaching staff and happily marry, she had to do a lot of work on herself.
I suffer - that means I'm good and go to heaven.
Girls with such an attitude are found in the church environment quite often. They like to emphasize their non-peace, timelessness and numerous virtues. “I am not like this modern youth. I don’t go to nightclubs, I don’t enter into intimate relations on the first day of my acquaintance, I can not stand the smell of alcohol, so it’s hard for me. I had to be born in the century before last. I wear long skirts and closed blouses, I listen only to classical music, in the evenings I sit at home and embroider a cross, every Sunday I go to church, and after the liturgy I help my sick grandmother and bake pies. Am I destined to meet my happiness without sacrificing my principles? Today, only shameless harlots who attract men by consent to sexual perversions marry. ”
A familiar portrait? Have you met? There are two lies at once: firstly, far from all modern youth goes to terrible dens and indulges in sophisticated debauchery. Secondly, there are many men who dream of marrying just a modest virgin homebody with needlework and pies. But for girls of this type it is very important for their "virtues" to pay with suffering and loneliness, otherwise their life loses all meaning. If tomorrow she’s not a “drunken lascivious nightclub”, but a modest domestic young man who loves not noisy parties, but reading books in the country or helping parents, he will also be caught in many vices and rejected. After all, true virtue must suffer! Lonely…
I am so afraid of the pain of a possible break in relations that I don’t enter into them at all.
Such girls leave potential suitors first, because they are too afraid to be abandoned themselves. Often they are beautiful, surrounded by fans, but they don’t go for serious relationships with anyone.
To cope with a problem, you need to learn how to take risks. Neither vows of love, nor wedding, nor wedding, nor the birth of children give a guarantee of long family happiness. In addition, even loving spouses have to go through separation by death - to all, without exception. Therefore, you should learn to enjoy life and be happy here and now.
I find family life boring, and romantic misery interesting and exciting.
At the age of 18–20 I had a wonderful company, in which several happy couples formed, they got married, many became priests and mothers. And every time, for some reason, the news about my friend’s wedding was amazing. “Are you getting married? For whom? For Dima? And who is Dima? ” And then I recalled that I had sat at the same table with Dima many times, prayed next to him, went on a pilgrimage, but I did not see him as a young man, a possible groom. The problem was that he was looking for a wife and children, and I was someone who could fall in love, and then suffer because of the lack of his attention.
When different social networks appeared, I decided to find men there whom I was very in love with in different years. I was over thirty, they were also thirty to forty. And it turned out that not one of them created a family. Someone got married and quickly divorced, someone in their forties had never entered into a marriage. But everything is very simple - I strove only for those who refused, in principle, the prospect of creating a family, and, of course, made me as a potential bride, making me suffer. I realized: it was suffering that attracted me, not specific people.
Of course, many more reasons for female loneliness can be added to this list. But the most difficult thing in overcoming them is to honestly admit to myself: “Yes, I’m running away from my happiness - I recognize myself in the behavior of the heroines of films and books. But I don’t want to be like them. ”
One has only to understand and accept it, and happiness will overtake you.
5 Ways to Become a Sad Maiden
There are girls in the world who are not bad at all, and are dressed well, and they won't reach a pocket in a word, but they don’t reach for them, they don’t. There is, as they say, no raisins, no peppercorns, nor any other spices or spices. They are sweet, but fresh, like diet bread without yeast and salt. Useful, correct, but boring.
Many women would like to meet a reliable life partner. But this is not always easy. The author of this positive, encouraging book will help readers look at different behaviors from the outside and understand the causes of failures in their personal lives, see the most common mistakes and ways to overcome doubts and solve problems.
This book is about women's loneliness, about how to get rid of it, or take for granted.
Olga Tumanova
Female loneliness: how to get out of it
Approved for publication by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church
IS R14-417-1569
Loneliness: a solution to a problem
Reasons for loneliness: find and neutralize
You are already 25, 27, 30 years old, and your cherished dream - to have your own happy family - is in no hurry to come true. Birthdays and New Year's celebrations are increasingly becoming reasons for sadness - another year has passed, but I never got married, nothing has changed, I can’t see the lumen. And what to do?
The search for a way out of loneliness can be compared with the repair of a home. Someone likes to glue wallpapers and lay tiles with their own hands, someone hires a master - it all depends on the possibilities and preferences of the hostess. But even if you entrust the repair to others, sooner or later they will finish work and leave your home, and you should live in it. So, turning to a professional - a psychologist - does not guarantee a solution to the problem: in any case, you have to act yourself.
For me, the search for the causes of loneliness was like passing the next level of a computer game-rpg. There are such passionate players looking for ways to capture a castle or extract an artifact for hours. So I once decided: let the search for the "keys" of loneliness be my main job, and whether it is worth it then to open the castle and move to a different standard of living - I will decide later.
And I went looking for myself: on the examples of the heroines of literature, cinema and real life, I tried to understand the reasons that made the girl remain alone. I eagerly read and watched any movies where the heroines were old virgins, abandoned lovers and independent single ladies trying to realize themselves in work. And once I was able to look at myself from the outside and see the main reason, with a heavy barrier blocking my path to family happiness.
The reasons for loneliness are as follows.
I do not respect men.
For example, a girl grew up in a family where grandfather was a weak-willed and dumb henpecked with an overbearing grandmother, his mother and father divorced shortly after her birth, and he was called nothing more than a "scoundrel" and a "bastard," and an aunt who lost count to husbands and lovers , not one of them flattered. How can a girl raised in such a family have respect for men? She since childhood firmly learned that all men are either weaklings or traitors.
If this is your case, try the following exercise: at the sight of acquaintances and strangers of the stronger sex, repeat to yourself: "men are good."
I do not allow myself to be happier than mom, grandmother, sister, girlfriend, work colleagues.
Katya came to work at school at the age of 22 and, being a young and inexperienced specialist, tried her best to win the love and recognition of her senior colleagues. It was important for her to enter this school, which was new for her, for the school — joint gatherings in the teacher’s during a big break, long conversations.
But the trouble is - as is often the case with pedagogical groups, most of the teachers were either single or divorced. And Katya, as luck would have it, had a beloved bridegroom, and a wedding was planned in a few months. But any joyful tales of happiness in personal life were “punished” here with stone expressions of the faces of listeners. But complaints that the groom did not call on time, was not polite during dinner with his parents, did not give the desired roses for his birthday, provoked strong emotional support: "Yes, yes, men - they are such, they only have frustrations." And Katya, being an obedient girl, was used to talking only bad things about her personal life at work. The result was not long in coming - a few weeks of such "psychotherapy" and the wedding was upset, and she broke up with the groom. Katya worked at this school for about ten years, remaining lonely. In order to get rid of the influence of the teaching staff and happily marry, she had to do a lot of work on herself.
I suffer - that means I'm good and go to heaven.
Girls with such an attitude are found in the church environment quite often. They like to emphasize their non-peace, timelessness and numerous virtues. “I’m not like this modern youth. I don’t go to nightclubs, I don’t get intimate on the first day I meet, I can’t even stand the smell of alcohol, so it’s hard for me. I had to be born in the century before last. I wear long skirts and closed blouses, I listen only to classical music, I sit at home in the evenings and embroider a cross, I go to church every Sunday, and after the liturgy I help my sick grandmother and bake cakes. only come out shameful harlots who attract men by consent to sexual perversions. "
A familiar portrait? Have you met? There are two lies at once: firstly, far from all modern youth goes to terrible dens and indulges in sophisticated debauchery. Secondly, there are many men who dream of marrying just a modest virgin homebody with needlework and pies. But for girls of this type it is very important for their "virtues" to pay with suffering and loneliness, otherwise their life loses all meaning. If tomorrow she’s not a “drunken debaucher of a nightclub”, but a modest domestic young man who loves not noisy parties, but reading books in the country or helping parents, he will also be caught in many vices and rejected. After all, true virtue must suffer! Lonely…
I am so afraid of the pain of a possible break in relations that I don’t enter into them at all.
Such girls leave potential suitors first, because they are too afraid to be abandoned themselves. Often they are beautiful, surrounded by fans, but they don’t go for serious relationships with anyone.
To cope with a problem, you need to learn how to take risks. Neither vows of love, nor wedding, nor wedding, nor the birth of children give a guarantee of long family happiness. In addition, even loving spouses have to go through separation by death - to all, without exception. Therefore, you should learn to enjoy life and be happy here and now.
I find family life boring, and romantic misery interesting and exciting.
At the age of 18–20 I had a wonderful company, in which several happy couples formed, they got married, many became priests and mothers. And every time, for some reason, the news about my friend’s wedding was amazing. "Are you getting married? For whom? For Dima? And who is it - Dima?" And then I recalled that I had sat at the same table with Dima many times, prayed next to him, went on a pilgrimage, but I did not see him as a young man, a possible groom. The problem was that he was looking for a wife and children, and I was someone who could fall in love, and then suffer because of the lack of his attention.
When different social networks appeared, I decided to find men there whom I was very in love with in different years. I was over thirty, they were also thirty to forty. And it turned out that not one of them created a family. Someone got married and quickly divorced, someone in their forties had never entered into a marriage. But everything is very simple - I strove only for those who refused, in principle, the prospect of creating a family, and, of course, made me as a potential bride, making me suffer. I realized: it was suffering that attracted me, not specific people.
Of course, many more reasons for female loneliness can be added to this list. But the most difficult thing in overcoming them is to honestly admit to myself: "Yes, I am running away from my own happiness - I recognize myself in the behavior of the heroines of films and books. But I do not want to be like them."
One has only to understand and accept it, and happiness will overtake you.
5 Ways to Become a Sad Maiden
There are girls in the world who are not bad at all, and are dressed well, and they won't reach a pocket in a word, but they don’t reach for them, they don’t. There is, as they say, no raisins, no peppercorns, nor any other spices or spices. They are sweet, but fresh, like diet bread without yeast and salt. Useful, correct, but boring.
Let's see what makes beautiful girls dull.
