She got married early, barely graduating from college. She gave birth to one child, and a year later another. There was simply no time left for a career, personal interests and hobbies. All the time cooking, washing, cleaning... And not to say that she didn’t like it or that the family was unhappy, no. The sons grew up healthy and joyful, because their mother took care of them. They became the meaning of life for her.

The moment just came when the children grew up. One went to study in another country, and the other decided to build his own family and moved to live with his girlfriend in a separate apartment. And at that very moment her life collapsed. After all, she has nothing left anymore. The result: she is lonely, broken and her life has become empty, and in the hearts of the children there lives a constant feeling of guilt for her loneliness.

A little different story. She became pregnant by a man who did not need them and decided to raise this child for herself. The boy was always surrounded by care and love. Mom carried everything on herself, trying to provide her son with a wonderful life, forgetting about herself, her personal life and dreams.

She succeeded, he grew up to be a successful boy, but with a sense of unpayable debt. Bottom line: he's 50, unmarried and has no children, still living with his mom, trying to pay off his debt. It just won't work.

And another one. Her life did not work out very well: her career did not take off (although she did not really strive), she did not meet the prince and, accordingly, the children did not appear. And the number in her passport was already close to 40. So she decided to have a baby so that she could have at least something in her life. With the help of her child, she wanted to realize all the plans that she could not bring to life herself.

She so wanted to become a pianist, but her own mother forbade her to do so. Here she is with early years took the child to a music school and waited for him to get her a star from the sky. But the child didn’t like the piano, he hated it with all his soul.

But it was impossible to object to my mother. After all, “Mom put her whole life on you” and this was the reason for everything. As a result, the child never got the “star from the sky”, but rather, on the contrary, became an infantile adult without any ambitions. But he can play the piano.

How many stories like this? How many times have parents sacrificed their lives for the sake of their children, for the sake of their bright future, but only made things worse for themselves and their children? You can’t even count them, there are millions of them. And all because parents make children the meaning of their whole life. But this is completely wrong...

Problems of parents and children

Indian wisdom says: “A child is a guest in your home”. This should always be remembered by every parent. The child is not your property, he is a person who has his own life, his own hobbies, goals, dreams. The duty of parents is to provide him with a happy childhood, give him the most necessary things and let him go when the time comes. Child in the life of parents- not the center of the Universe.

But to provide means to give what you can, and not to sacrifice everything so that the child gets the best. These sacrifices are not needed, children do not need them. And if you do this, then the children should not even know about it. After all, by reproaching them for what you gave them, you cultivate in them a feeling of guilt, a sense of debt that they need to return.

That's just it do children owe their parents? In my humble opinion, no, they shouldn't. We ourselves make the decision to have children. But why are we doing this? So that they can implement what we failed to do? So that they can take care of us in our old age? Agree, this is quite selfish. It seems to me, first of all, all this is done in order to give new life this world to experience the happiness of motherhood or fatherhood.

Pope Francis once said: “Jesus’s parents went to the temple to confirm that their son belonged to God and that they were only protectors of His life, not owners. This makes us think: all parents are protectors of children's lives, not owners."

And on the other side of all this is your life. When you become a parent, you don't stop being an individual. Your interests, your personal life and your dreams are no less important than taking care of your child. Never forget this.

You should not live only for the sake of children, you should not make them the meaning of life. Find the meaning of life in someone else. Love your soul mate, the children will leave, but you will remain together. You shouldn’t neglect your family and the relationship between you and your chosen one.

Love yourself. When you were a child, what did you dream about? Now, remember this. Make your dreams come true, try to find what you like. After all, how else can you teach your child to love himself and achieve goals?

Please don't live for your children. Of course, this is your choice, your business, and no one has the right to tell you what is right. But think about it... Now, when I see these children, to whom their parents gave everything and even more, it hurts me to look into their eyes. The feeling of guilt of those who cannot repay this unpaid debt to their parents. The broken heart of those who decided to build their lives, but still cannot forgive themselves for leaving their parents.

But it shouldn’t be like this; children shouldn’t feel guilty for deciding to build their own lives. After all, how else can they find their happiness? Nobody says that you shouldn't love your children - love them with all your heart, give them happiness and joy, just remember that guardianship can be excessive. And also that the children will sooner or later grow up and will have to be released from this care.

As Cooper, the hero of my favorite sci-fi movie, said: "Parents become ghosts of their children's future". And I think every parent needs to think carefully about these words. What kind of ghost do you want to become for your children: a heavy burden or a bright memory?

How often do we hear the phrase: “I live only for my children”! Meanwhile, this is the biggest mistake parents make. “Living for children” is not only wrong, but also harmful. For the children themselves.

Text: Larisa Boytsova

Some sad but instructive stories

Fathers and mothers who completely devote their lives to their children, giving up everything for them, end up just as unhappy as their children, for whom, in fact, the parents gave up “everything.” Here real stories from the practice of our psychologist. All names, of course, have been changed.

Oleg, 52 years old:

“My mother raised me alone. They divorced my father when I was not even three years old. And I don’t even remember what he looks like, my mother destroyed all the photographs. She never got married while I was growing up, although I wouldn't mind if I suddenly had a dad. I remember being envious of the boys who were always doing something with their fathers. But my mother always said: “You and I don’t need anyone.” My mother worked two jobs for as long as I can remember. She cared about me excessively. She decided what to do, who to be friends with, what clothes to wear, she herself chose the “right profession” for me after graduating from school. Then we exchanged our apartment, and I began to live separately. Life was going quite well, I worked in good location, made good money... Only he never got married and didn’t have children. I couldn't find a woman as wonderful as my mother. Mom has been gone for several years now, and I live with the feeling that I have not been able to repay her debt for the life that she dedicated to me...”

Ksenia, 41 years old:

"I have always been" daddy's daughter" Although I grew up in a full-fledged family. My father loved me madly, spoiled me, bought me the best. To achieve this, he worked both day and night. And, as I later realized, he initially had big plans for me. He thought of everything in advance: he wanted me to go to medical school and become a doctor. He paid for my studies, although I had absolutely no intention of studying there. In general, since childhood I wanted to become an artist, I drew well, but he didn’t seem to notice this, he believed that this was not a profession, but just a hobby. And, when I once admitted to him that I had not been going to college for six months, he was indignant, tried to “reason with me”... And then he simply... presented me with a bill. He included everything in it: how much he spent on my schooling, on clubs, clothes and even food. And he demanded that the money be returned to him. And then it was as if my eyes were opened - for my father I was a toy, a trained doll that should fulfill all his wishes exactly... We have not communicated with my father for more than 20 years. I moved to another city. My mother and I talk on the phone, and I have no complaints about her. But I still haven’t forgiven my father.”

These stories are just a drop in the ocean of broken destinies at the hands of overly caring parents. A mother who dreams of her son becoming an outstanding pianist, instills in him from childhood that he is a genius, and the “genius” becomes an alcoholic at the age of 40 because he is not a genius at all, but an ordinary person... A girl who is afraid get married and have children because she saw how hard it was for her mother to raise children... Parents who did not divorce just for the sake of children, wanting to raise them in a complete family, set a sad example for their children who no longer believe in happy marriages... All these stories “live” next to us, meeting us at every step. And who would have thought that the reason for such failures in life is the excessive love and care of parents?

Flower children, let them grow on their own

When your son or daughter becomes the meaning of your life, you risk suffocating him with your love. He will always subconsciously strive to break free, and when he breaks free, he will also be tormented by a feeling of guilt - what has he done, how ungrateful he is. So what remains for him? Always pay you back? Or stage a protest? Or start drinking? Rarely are these children who become adults cope with this task correctly and begin to live their own lives. Often this cannot be done at all without the help of a psychologist.

Therefore, under no circumstances should you live for the sake of children! Don't make them hostage to your love. Find yourself another, your own meaning in life. Live not only for the child, but also for your husband (in the end, the children will leave, but the husband will remain). Love yourself, don't give up new shoes for the sake of new toy for a child!

Children are wonderful, and having given them life, we are obliged to take care of them, but in everything we need to know in moderation. These are already separate, self-sufficient people. You just have to help them learn to live in this world. Give them the opportunity to breathe and develop on their own. Do you remember how we always call children “the flowers of life”? So your task is to water this flower on time, protect it from excessive sun, frost and pests. And he will grow upward himself - such is his nature.

If you recognize yourself in one of these stories, it doesn't matter which side you find yourself on - overly loving parent or an adult child with a feeling of guilt, a family psychologist from the Center for Women's Transformation will always help you. Good results in this matter, such an interesting practice as Aura-Soma, which helps solve many family problems, including this one, also gives.

Everyone knows that Jewish mothers are a special kind of mothers. Their tender care and attention to children does not stop even when their children themselves have grandchildren.

Children are a great blessing, you can’t argue with that. They require care, care and help, especially when they are very young. You worry about them, worry and don’t sleep at night as they grow up. You worry about them, rejoice at their successes, feel their pain even when they are already quite adults. All this is absolutely natural, but the question is: where is the line between parental care and depriving a child of his own life? Which children are happier: those whose parents laid down their lives for them, or those whose parents lived their lives and taught their children to live theirs?

The answer is clear - you need to live not for the sake of your child, but with him. Let's figure out what the psychological reasons for this approach are.

I think no one will argue that the main task of parents is to raise a child capable of taking care of himself, and therefore independent of them. If parents live for the sake of the child, he inevitably feels this and the responsibility he receives is too great for him. Thus, the parents seem to tell him that he is the main one here, and not they. And this is unacceptable because in the relationship between mother and child, the main thing is the mother. And this is not just a rule that people came up with, the mother is in charge because she is an adult and the physical survival of the child depends on her, because only she has all the information, developed ability to the planning and experience needed to make decisions. The child cannot be responsible for his dyad with his mother.

Accordingly, by completely abandoning her life and devoting all her time to the child, the mother violates the necessary balance of responsibility. Such a child grows up insecure, dependent, with the feeling that he always owes his parents, since they gave up their lives for him. Well, as you know, it is impossible to live with such an unpaid debt. Such a person cannot find himself, begins to live for the sake of his parents, and at the moment when they are gone, he falls into severe depression, as he loses the main meaning of life.

Another important argument in favor of one’s own life with a child can be considered the following: if, with the approach described above, the child still manages, contrary to expectations, to separate from his parents, such parents will be left broke, because they had nothing but a child. They abandoned their own relationships, did not find anything that would be interesting to them in this life, and most likely achieved little at work. This is a very difficult test, mature age start living again.
Well, the last thought that I will give here: children learn by imitating adults, both in everyday life and in terms of the model of life and relationships in it. This means that such children will not learn to live, because their parents do not live themselves, but live only by them and in them.

All of the above does not mean that the child should not be noticed or not taken care of and that one should always put one’s interests above those of children. No, this means that there must be balance in everything. Of course, when planning a trip to the sea with a child, you must take into account his age, daily routine and other needs.

So, be very careful, dear parents: love your children, take care of them, help, but do not smother them with your love and care.

Psychology

A mother who devotes herself entirely to raising a child without ever building a personal life, spouses between whom there is no sexual, love or spiritual connection, but who continue to be together so that their children grow up in a complete family... A million stories , when a mother and father invest all their strength, emotions, aspirations, unrealized dreams and ambitions into their child, their whole life revolves around him, their entire existence is for his sake. But the results of such efforts are exactly the opposite: broken hearts, misunderstandings, alienation, disappointment. Here are real stories of people who found themselves hostage to the love of their parents.

Mom raised Vanya alone. She never got married, invested everything in her son, bought him an apartment, paid for his university. He became a wonderful successful man. But he’s already fifty, and he’s never been married and has no children. All his life Ivan tried to return his unpaid debt to his mother. Did not work out.
Gosha is a late child. They always worried about him, they looked after him, they cared about him, even too much. To tell the truth, his mother was simply desperate to find a prince and decided to have a child for herself. And then she thought that through George all her dreams would come true. She tried in every possible way to raise a child prodigy: the boy studied several languages, went to many clubs, played the harp... Mom was proud of him and always asked him to play something in front of guests: the harp is very exotic! Now Gaucher is already over forty, divorced. His children are being raised by another man, and Gosha doesn’t mind. He still doesn't know what he wants. He didn't become a child prodigy. I couldn't stand it and broke. Now he just drinks: before work, instead of work and after it. Mom doesn't see this anymore.
Igor and Zhenya's parents were very good. They did everything they could for the children, and even more. The family seemed friendly: shared holidays, vacations. Only in all this parenthood they lost their marriage - nothing connected them anymore. We lived together for 30 years, like mom and dad. And then, when the children left, they simply divorced. Zhenya still cannot recover from this greatest deception. She is already 37, but she does not want to get married - she is afraid of repeating that sad story. After all, my mother faded away very quickly after the divorce.

Room without air

It would seem that parental love is what protects, inspires, and makes you happy. But if it becomes the only thing parents do, it suffocates. It’s hard for a child to be the only meaning of life for mom and dad: it’s like he’s locked in a room where one day the air will run out. At first you can exist like this, but gradually you begin to suffocate.
Of course, many parents do not think about this, sincerely believing that the parenting strategy “everything for the sake of the child” is the most correct and successful option. In fact, with such behavior they compensate for the lack of a favorite job, an interesting hobby, true love or devoted friends. And the realization of this spectrum of ruined emotions and aspirations is placed on the shoulders of their child. As soon as a child does not live up to expectations in any way, it is as if he is depriving his parents of the opportunity to be happy. Of course, this is a heavy burden.
Moreover, sooner or later adults will present a “bill” for the effort and nerves spent. You can pay these bills forever, like Vanya. Or stage a protest and start drinking like Gosha. Rarely is anyone able to understand and accept this attitude of elders without sacrificing their own life and interests.

Raise a tyrant

There is another option when parents, living for the sake of their children, do not demand anything in return, but simply please in everything. What happens in this case? Firstly, they become slaves to their children, losing their dignity and individuality. Secondly, trying to fulfill any whim, they raise egoists who do not value other people's work.
Usually parents behave this way because of a feeling of guilt towards the baby. Believing that he is deprived in some way by fate, they take it personally and try with all their might to make up for the deprivation with other earthly goods. Or, being deprived of something in childhood, they do everything possible and impossible so that their children do not lack anything. Of course, in this case the child begins to demand more and more, becoming a slave to his desires and at the same time a tyrant for those around him.

“I can’t forgive them for this”

There is an expression: “Children are the flowers of life.” This is an excellent reminder to parents of what their true role in upbringing is: to love their child, to “water” them on time, not to shield them from the sun, to protect them from “pests.” And then he, like a flower, will cope on his own and show all the best that is inherent in him by nature. Or he won’t show it - he has the right to do so. Because he comes into the world to be himself. No more, no less. Otherwise, turning into a hostage of parental “charity” and guardianship, a person becomes very unhappy. After all, he has to make an impossible choice: between the people closest to him and the life that his soul tells him to live.
“I am the only daughter, and my parents had very specific plans for my future: an elite university, two languages ​​and many tutors,” Maria shares her story. - When I first fell in love, I acutely felt that I was not living the way I wanted. But father and mother took it as teenage rebellion and showed strength. I gave in: I graduated from the university they had chosen, and broke up with my boyfriend. And after 10 years I ended up with a psychoanalyst: dependent, broken, tormented by anxiety. After three years of therapy, I realized how much I resented my parents. I learned to accept my true self, married my first love, and gained financial independence. Unfortunately, mom and dad never wanted to get to know their daughter “again” and recognize the value and beauty of my life. I can't forgive them for this. Living without support is difficult, but sometimes it’s the only way to live.”

Many couples live together, quietly hating each other, just for the sake of their children. In general, in our modern “child-centric” world, everything is done for the sake of children. We go to jobs we hate just to provide them with a normal future, we spend a lot of money on toys and gadgets for children so that they don’t cry and are no worse than “Alice from class”, we sacrifice sleep and rest, we don’t go to the sea...

Grade

In general, “Whatever the child enjoys, as long as he doesn’t cry.” It’s the same thing - parents think it’s like growing up in a full-fledged family. But is it really so? WANT.ua has figured out this issue!

No matter what anyone says... It never comes easy, even for the initiator. You may have fallen out of love with each other, but over the years of marriage you have experienced quite a few pleasant moments (at least we hope so, and not that you were like a hunted deer in your marriage).

Both spouses deserve happiness. Sometimes no one is to blame for a divorce, it’s just that gradually the relationship on both sides faded away.

So why sacrifice your life for the sake of your children, thereby destroying all the good things that once existed between you and your partner? Martyrdom has never brought joy to anyone.

Exaggerating the value of marriage for children

For both children and divorce, divorce will not go unnoticed. Only now, divorce does not destroy a child’s world. Yes, he will not understand why mom and dad stopped living together and loving each other, or maybe one of the parents has completely disappeared from the horizon.

Only for a child it is more important to know what he has, that they both love him and take part in his upbringing. This is what you need to concentrate on, and the stamp in your passport is just a formality.

The child will quickly adapt to the new life, get used to the fact that dad has his own home, and mom has her own. Moreover, in most families, it is the mother who takes care of the children, and the father spends all day at work. In such families, children see their dad only on weekends, so because of a divorce, little will change, especially if you agree among yourself on adequate custody of the baby. The main thing is to explain to the child that no one is to blame for the divorce and support him in every possible way.

Calm, just calm!

It’s better to have calm parents separately than constantly arguing parents together. In families where quarrels, ignorance, and God forbid fights reign, children grow up twitchy, with incorrect guidelines. After all, it is in childhood that the manner of behavior is laid down that the child will use on an unconscious level in adulthood.

Divorce in such families is a less painful procedure, and also short-term, when “life on a powder keg” can drag on for years, if not a lifetime.

Children don't feel safe

You don't even have to swear every day to do this. You can simply hate each other, play the silent game, ignore your partner, live like neighbors. This behavior has a negative impact, he intuitively senses conflicts and that his home ceases to be a fortress.

Many children, when such an atmosphere reigns in the family, often run away from home, try to come home from school as late as possible, and spend more time outside.

According to research, children tolerate scandals better than hidden conflicts. Because the scandals at least make it clear what the parents are complaining about each other, but this is something incomprehensible.

Children won't appreciate the sacrifice

By sacrificing your happiness and freedom from, you automatically shift responsibility for your failed life to a small family member. Moreover, sooner or later the thoughts “I sacrificed everything for you” will overcome you. How do you think a child will feel after such reproaches? The oppression of guilt. His weak psyche may simply not withstand this, therefore, there is no need to sacrifice your life for the sake of the child.

Unhappy parents = unhappy child

Smiling and being happy is a real art. Not everyone can see the good in trifles and fill a half-empty glass. An atmosphere of love, mutual respect, and joy teaches a child to be happy and create such an atmosphere around him.

If parents walk around every day as if they’ve lost their heads, lose their temper over trifles and put on a smile, the child will think that this is completely normal behavior and will pretend to be an “orphan from Kazan.”

But this does not mean at all that you need to get a divorce if there are even the slightest difficulties and isolated cases of bad mood in your significant other, especially if they are bad and difficult days everyone has them. You need to breed when each of you has tried everything possible, but nothing came of it.

There's only one life

Often we live lives that are not typical for us. We put everything off for later, we don’t do what we really want, we get married…. The list could take a long time, and correcting the mistakes made is not always easy. You don’t want your child, when he grows up, to be afraid to tie the knot legally, and if the attempt fails, to file for divorce.