As statistics show, unfortunately, after a few years married life, the marriage breaks up and even a common child will not be able to save it. Young children, as a rule, remain to live with their mother. Growing up without a father is a rather difficult period, and it is unknown how a child will perceive the news about the appearance of a stepfather in the house. But mom may have new man, and their relationship can be so serious that the woman decides to create new family. In this case, it is unknown how the child may perceive the entry of a stranger into their home. A child should not immediately show fiery feelings for his stepfather and throw himself on his neck; for him, the “new dad” is a stranger to whom he needs to get used. This is quite understandable; the mother’s task is to make the process of bringing two people dear to her together as friendly as possible. The most important thing is not to traumatize the child’s psyche; it is a mistake to think that the child does not understand anything. It goes without saying that the child does not understand the relationships between adults, but he feels everything perfectly. After all, a child always unmistakably identifies good man, he knows who to trust and who not. It’s good if your new lover manages to quickly establish contact with your child, or maybe your son or daughter will even be afraid of meeting him. The mother must be able to smooth out this delicate situation, explain everything to the child in such a way as to win him over to the future stepfather.

Stages of acquaintance between stepfather and child

It is important to understand that a positive outcome largely depends on the woman; first of all, your new man must have detailed information about your child (character, temperament, affection, etc.) even before meeting him. You should not make sharp and hasty decisions; it is better to wait for an opportunity. Be patient and the right opportunity will come your way. Surprise - no The best decision question, the first meeting of your lover with a child should not be sudden. The appearance of a “new dad” in the family should be smooth and gradual. Choose any neutral territory for the first meeting between the child and the future stepfather: a park, a cafe or any other public place. For example, a seemingly “random” meeting you organized during a walk would be suitable. You will have the opportunity to introduce your chosen one to the child, but first introduce your beloved as your friend; of course, you should not hug and kiss in front of the child. With this behavior you will simply scare away the baby and make him dislike your companion. So, the first meeting is over, your next steps are to talk to your child about your new acquaintance. Of course, at first the child may not be comfortable in his company, and that’s normal! Ask your son or daughter if he liked your friend, if the child has a desire to meet him again. Try to answer all the questions about your chosen one as honestly as possible, you can tell your son or daughter about how you spend time with this man, tell him that you like his new friend. At the same time, do not impose your opinion on the child, it is too early. It is clear that under no circumstances should you force your child to call your new husband dad; the child must decide for himself how to address his stepfather. Even if there is a lot between you and your new friend strong feelings, don't rush to live together. Otherwise, the child may think that his mother has found a replacement for him; in addition, for the child, the “new dad” is a rival to his own dad. You need to get used to this situation gradually. Do not put pressure on the child, otherwise you risk frightening him for a long time. In your case, there is no need to rush things. Do not force or force your child to fall in love with your new life partner. Leave them alone with the child if, for example, you notice that they are enthusiastically doing something or playing together. The child must meet this person and get to know him better. It’s not bad if they prepare something together, without your participation. Let's say they'll give you a surprise for the international women's day, choose a gift together. The future stepfather should be the first to invite your child to choose and prepare a gift for his mother, and it does not matter whether you have a son or a daughter. The stepfather must love your child. You all need to spend more time together, praise your child, don’t feel sorry for him kind words. Let your child get used to your lover. Remember one special rule - than older child, the more difficult the process of addiction will be, especially in adolescence. During this period, it is very easy to turn a child against yourself; it is enough if, upon coming to your family, the “new dad” immediately starts with critical remarks, reproaches, and jokes, this will only arouse hatred and aggression in the child. Children of this age require a different approach. And you will have to come to terms with it. But don’t overdo it, realizing that the child for some reason does not accept your new man, you absolutely cannot scold your son or daughter for this, it is not the child’s fault that this person is unpleasant to him. But you shouldn’t be upset, don’t rush, over time the child will be able to get used to his stepfather. Even though you have a new partner in your life, your child should feel that you still love him very much and that this person can never take his place in your life.

Living together

Having decided to start life together, be sure to talk with the “new dad” about issues of upbringing, what you resolutely prohibit, what you consider correct, discuss ways of further upbringing, you need to come to a common denominator. Your future husband should also understand that parenting does not mean only punishing and prohibiting, it also means friendly support, recommendations and participation in the child’s life. You can start a life together with your chosen one when your offer to stay overnight with you does not cause embarrassment in the child. Maybe the baby will even be happy, because he will have someone to play with in the evening. Over time, he will become close to his new friend, and they will spend more time together. Do not insist that your child call the new person dad; agree on what kind of address will be acceptable for everyone - simply by first name or patronymic name, or “Uncle Kolya,” for example. When the child wants and feels such a need, in the future he himself will begin to call his stepfather dad, but this will happen if they manage to make friends and get closer. And the mother should help and support this friendship in every possible way. A great way for the “future dad” to get closer, find out what the child is interested in, if his hobby is sports, go to training with him, buy the necessary sports equipment. Jointly organized leisure activities are very bonding; the stepfather should take the child to a cafe, to the cinema, to the zoo, or take him on an excursion. This makes it easier to find out the child’s preferences and let him understand that his opinion is also taken into account; common positive emotions are the best impetus for rapprochement. The stepfather has an excellent chance to fully integrate into the new family if he does not treat your child as a stranger, but perceives him as his own. If a man cares about his relationship with you, he should also take care of your child.

Approximately 6-7 days after birth, the baby and mother are discharged home.

By the time of discharge, relatives (mainly happy father) must prepare thoroughly. To greet a newborn and his mother at the maternity hospital, you must come not only with flowers, but also with a set of baby clothes (you can always find a list of necessary things in your maternity hospital on the information stand, but as a rule you need: 2 diapers, nappies, 2 vests, a cap - thin or warm, depending on the time of year, a hat - light or warm, depending on the time of year, 2 children's blankets with a duvet cover)
Reception of guests

Dad and newborn

How small and fragile he is,” a man usually thinks, looking at his newborn baby. “I wish he could grow up soon!” And with a feeling of relief, he gives the little bundle into the caring mother’s hands. And he himself begins to patiently wait for that blessed time when his son or daughter learn to express your thoughts, and you will be able to communicate normally with them. Only for some reason, when this time comes, it turns out that it is not so easy for dad to find a common language with his grown-up child. So you should not miss this difficult, but happy thing. time of "newborn" to begin to learn to understand each other.

Meeting with an alien

Many dads experience meeting their newborn baby no more, no less, than meeting a creature from another planet. The little man seems so amazing and incomprehensible to them at the same time. One young dad participating in the birth described his impressions this way: “When my daughter was born, she was like a little alien who somehow miraculously appeared in our lives. So small, but so strong and beautiful. It seemed to me that At birth, children are obliged to scream heart-rendingly, and she seemed to be calmly telling us something in her own language. But the most amazing thing was her look. dark eyes, so deep, studying, wise. I realized what an amazing event this is - the birth of a person." But even if you did not hear such beautiful confession, this does not mean that he is indifferent to the appearance of a baby in your family. Just give him time to adapt to the meeting with the "alien".

How does understanding come?

Dad's confusion at the first meeting with the baby is quite understandable. But a woman should not demonstratively show that she knows better how to properly handle the baby, much less criticize the “newborn dad” for awkward movements. For the first contacts between father and child, an atmosphere of calm and trust is especially important. Communication with dad is very significant for the child, and the significance of this relationship will gradually increase. And the foundations of mutual understanding and connection are laid during the first meeting of father and child. Do not insist on immediately teaching dad any specific actions to care for a child, be it bathing or changing diapers, these skills will definitely appear. Give the man freedom of action so that he can calmly get to know his baby. Even if he just holds the newborn in his arms, talking quietly to him, such communication will not be in vain. When a man feels that he is trusted to communicate with the baby at his discretion, and is not forced to take a swaddling exam, then it will be easier for him to learn to understand his “newcomer.”
New way of life

Newborn: what does he hear? What does he see? What does it feel like?

His height is 50 cm, body weight is 3.3 kg, he has sparse hair and wrinkled skin - this is what a newborn looks like. But what are his feelings, what does he see when he is born, what does he feel? Does he react to a variety of stimuli applied to him?

For centuries, the answer to most questions was categorical: a newborn cannot see or hear. This was the famous "baby-digestive tract" theory, which stated that the child, for at least a few weeks, reacts only to the demands of the stomach; basically he should only be fed and changed.

He is like pure wax on which an adult can engrave anything, like a white sheet of paper on which he can write anything. In addition, they said: “When a child is born, he is so attacked that he is in complete confusion.” In a word, an omnipotent adult found himself in front of a completely unarmed and unresponsive newborn.

But perhaps these theories were put forward mainly by men (doctors and scientists), while the opposite opinion, coming from women, had little chance of being heard.

Nowadays, there has been a complete revolution in views on a newborn: he hears, sees, has a sense of smell and touches! This is a new theory accepted by many. One can continue the long list of perceptions attributed to the child from birth.

Discoveries are not made overnight (except in extremely rare cases). In any field, discoveries are the fruit of long-term research undertaken by numerous researchers simultaneously in many countries.

So, the newborn is more developed and perceptive than previously thought, and this is in many areas, starting with sensory perception.

What to buy for a newborn.

When a baby appears in a family, it is customary to give gifts, and relatives and friends are knocked off their feet in search of them. Of course, nowadays you can buy anything you want, but your head is spinning - what exactly should you buy so as not to give a young mother ten sets of bottles, fifteen pacifiers and a hundred diapers, or not to give an unnecessary gift at all?

Unfortunately, the Western practice, when the expectant mother can make a list of purchases necessary for the baby and record it in any store, has not yet taken root in Russia. But, you see, how convenient it is: you go quietly to a certain store, go to the computer, and see, say, a list from Maria Petrova, which lists everything that her baby needs and crosses off what has already been purchased by other relatives and friends.

We hope that this experience will someday become a good tradition in Russia, but for now we bring to your attention a list of the most necessary goods for newborns.

Now dads, other relatives and family friends can read information about baby kits on our website! Don't waste your time thinking! Just print out the list you need and feel free to go to any of the chain stores " Child's world", where experienced sellers will tell you in detail what you are purchasing and why.

Interior for a new person

What is a small room for us is a whole country for a newborn, in which it can be comfortable and safe, or maybe vice versa, depending on how we arrange its territory for the new little person.

Let's start with the classic, but very important advice: a room or corner for a child must be equipped in advance so that later you do not raise columns of dust when cleaning and do not open cans of paint or glue in order to correct any trouble. Preparing a room does not mean achieving a congenial design from it. Perhaps it’s just the opposite: you’ll have to sacrifice design in favor of safety and comfort.

So it follows:

Long before the baby arrives, complete all painting work;
- do general cleaning;
- take into account advice on the location of the room, the organization of light, etc.;
- select and arrange furniture, as well as all the accessories necessary for the child.

Just what the doctor ordered

As for the location of a room or corner for a newborn, pediatricians advise giving the child the most conveniently located, well-ventilated and most comfortable room in the apartment, in which there should be nothing dangerous for the child.

The floor should be varnished or painted to make it easier to clean, and the walls should be covered with washable colored wallpaper in a calm and harmonious manner. color scheme. Curtains should be made of natural materials (in general, it is desirable that the child is surrounded only by natural and environmentally friendly materials), but thick, so that the child does not wake up too early from the bright light and does not wake up the others.

It is also necessary to minimize dust accumulations (carpets, paths, books, unnecessary things). This is especially true for carpets, since many microbes that quickly die in the air or during washing can survive in carpets for weeks and months.

How to choose the right crib

A bed for a newborn is often placed not in a room specially designated for the child, but in the parents’ bedroom, so that it is easier for them to get up at night. screaming baby. If you immediately decide to place the child separately, then in the nursery it is necessary to provide an additional sleeping place for the mother (just in case). Beds for little ones have high backs and safe sides made of various kinds of slats and slats. The crib should be well ventilated and made of environmentally friendly materials: the frame is made of solid wood and plywood or high-quality wood boards, the mattress is made of natural fillings (seaweed, coconut chips or simple straw) and covered with wool or cotton.

In the modern understanding, a bed can be called a structure in which the sleeping place is located on the upper tier, and its Bottom part It is a desktop connected to a small cabinet.

Bunk beds are also in fashion, and sometimes they are bought not only by families with two children, but also by couples with one child. The free bunk bed becomes a new place for children to play, and in the future - who knows: Children love bunk beds very much: they are interesting to play, jump, climb and sleep on. The main task of parents who bought such a bed for their child is to ensure his complete safety, even when he is alone in the room. To do this, the upper tier of the bed must have high sides or limiters, and the ladder must have handrails. The main thing is the complete absence of sharp corners (this applies to all children's furniture).

Transformable furniture is very comfortable and functional. A sofa can turn into a bunk bed, and a crib for babies 120x60 cm in size can be turned into a teenage bed measuring 190x90 cm. Often sofa beds (folding sofas) are bought for a children's room. These are also a kind of transformers, since as the child grows, the sleeping place can lengthen. The most convenient transformation mechanism children's sofa or couches - roll-out and its varieties (and others). The principle of its operation is to extend a plane from the sofa, in the place of which pillows are placed when unfolded (the taller the child, the more pillows). Such a sofa bed solves the problem of a child’s sleep for many years, because both a preschooler and a teenager can comfortably sit on it. Some children's sofas do not fold out, but (varieties of folding beds with a mechanism hidden under the seat), or may not be folding.

How to choose a crib and accessories for it
Bed linen: duvet covers, sheets. Mattress
The crib must breathe

Newborn baby hygiene

You should carefully prepare for the arrival of a newborn baby in your home. If it is not possible to make cosmetic repairs to the apartment, then general cleaning is mandatory. For normal development and the creation of better hygienic conditions, a child, no matter how small he is, needs his own corner in the apartment, where his bed, a table with care items, and a bedside table with personal belongings can be placed. This place should be the brightest, free from things and objects unnecessary for caring for the child. To sunlight It was less, parents often hang thick curtains and curtains on the windows. It is not recommended to do this - the sun is as necessary for a child as the cleanliness of the room, air, linen, and dishes.

Before placing your baby in bed for the first time, it should be thoroughly washed with warm water and soap and then washed weekly thereafter. The child's bed should be flat, the mattress should be quite rigid, not sagging under the baby's weight, because a curved position is very harmful to his fragile skeleton. You won't need a pillow at all at first. Later, you can start using a flat, non-down pillow. The mattress is covered three-quarters with oilcloth and covered with a sheet on top. You should not cover the bed with canopies or curtains, as this will disrupt the free access of air and deprive the child of light. To avoid skin diseases and infection with infectious diseases, do not put a newborn in the same bed with older children. It should be remembered that even healthy adult children can be carriers of bacteria that do not cause diseases in them, but can be dangerous for children early age. It is not recommended to use a low stroller instead of a crib. Everything that the child comes into contact with must be kept in the strictest cleanliness.

A low, convenient cabinet is placed next to the crib, which can simultaneously serve as a changing table and a place where the child’s linen is stored. A shelf should be placed on the wall. All items necessary for caring for the child are placed in the closet and on the shelf.

Sexual hygiene of boys and girls

Young mothers who have given birth to their first child have a huge number of questions. The child is small and defenseless. It depends entirely on your mother’s knowledge, requires care and attention, and you are afraid of doing something wrong. Sexual hygiene causes especially many difficulties. And if we can still navigate with girls, then with boys...

It’s also good if in the maternity hospital upon discharge the doctor will show you the basic techniques and explain everything. And if not, you have to master this science yourself.

You should be very careful about sexual hygiene from birth. Otherwise, various inflammatory diseases or problems in the adolescence. In fact, there is nothing complicated here, you just need to learn a few simple rules.

Boys' sexual hygiene

During the first week of life, boys may experience swelling of the scrotum. The genitals look overly large and swollen. There's nothing wrong with that. This is due to penetration into the newborn’s body (through the placenta or with breast milk) excessive amounts of maternal hormones. As a rule, swelling goes away within a few days. But if by the end of the second week the swelling persists, then you need to consult a doctor.
Caring for boys' genitals involves washing them regularly (with every diaper change) with warm water. In this case, it is necessary to move the foreskin from the head of the penis. A fat-like substance (smegma) accumulates there and must be removed. If redness appears on the foreskin, then it is necessary to wipe it several times a day with a cotton swab dipped in a weak (light pink) solution of potassium permanganate or an infusion of string.
Sometimes the foreskin is very narrow and does not allow the head of the penis to be completely exposed. In this case, it is advisable to consult a doctor as soon as possible. Usually, the surgeon only needs to make a small incision in the skin fold. And the sooner such an operation is performed, the better.
If the child has very sensitive skin, then you can sometimes limit yourself to “dry” washing using wet or oily wipes. And at least once every 4-5 days it is advisable to wash the genitals with soap. Previously, it was advised to use soap every time you wash your face, but even mild baby soap often dries and irritates delicate skin.
Sexual hygiene of girls

Swaddling and the development of the sense of touch (a few words in defense of the diaper)

You can often read in advice for young parents that swaddling a child inhibits the development of his sense of touch. Moreover, they assure that this is the opinion of pediatricians and child psychologists, and it is psychologists who advise not to swaddle a child. It is very doubtful for us, as care professionals, that a competent psychologist does not know the physiology and developmental psychology of a child and could be so mistaken. Most likely, these are incorrectly interpreted recommendations from a psychologist. The constant description of swaddling as a procedure of violence against a person, a kind of “tying up” of a child who so wants to move, is also surprising! It seems that the child is already running, and everyone is swaddling him and swaddling him... Such an illogical picture can only be painted by people who have absolutely no idea what a newborn looks like, how he behaves and why he needs a diaper, as well as when and for which peoples it was applied.

I’m 29, my ex is 35, my daughters are 8 and 3 years old. We’re planning a trip to see my dad (ex-husband) for the holidays. I’m very worried myself because I still have feelings for him. This trip is not the goal of renewing a relationship, but an attempt to establish other, friendly ones relationship.
In fact, we haven’t lived together for 4 years (he lives in another city), during which time our second daughter was born - we spent three years painfully “divorcing.” For the last year we haven’t communicated at all. During all this time, she didn’t say a bad word about him; on the contrary, she said that dad loves her very much. Now we communicate via the Internet as friends - this is very important to me. Now my daughter calls him back, writes to him on the internet. But since getting out He can’t come to us - he offered to come to him for the holidays...
At first I wanted to send my mother-in-law with my daughter (from his family we have a good relationship), but neither she nor the ex are delighted with this idea. But I’m a little scared...
Of course, there were conversations on the topic of divorce with my daughter. I tried as best I could to explain that dad stopped loving mom - and it’s hard for him and me to be together because of this... That dad loves them very much and is very upset that he can’t be with them. All this is true - he did not leave the family, he left me, and I could not live with him just for the sake of the children, because I love him.
She said that everything is wonderful with us - we are together, we all love and care about each other, and that if dad has someone nearby to take care of him, that’s very good. Of course, the child wants mom and dad to be together and only love each other - I understand everything and try to be more tactful. But I saw how jealous she was of my attempts to improve my personal life and I don’t know how she would react to the fact that he lives with another woman. I don’t even know exactly who his friend with whom he rents an apartment together is, a woman or a man. And I understand - it’s none of my business, it’s all in the past. He has his own life, I have mine. However, I once asked what his plans were for our unfinished house, he replied, “Well, if it’s built, then live. If you don’t want to live with me, I’ll rent.” . so far something like this-)". Some people say that I am selfish - having decided not to live with a man who stopped loving me as a woman. But I know that since I put an end to it, my tantrums have stopped, I have stopped taking it out on the children. , self-esteem has increased, I flirt with men, I study, work, look for myself... And now this trip, so long-awaited for the child and so difficult for me. Talk to the child again? How? Is it worth asking your ex about his personal life and how to do it correctly? Or should he do it (talk to his daughter)? I have already written that I am afraid of this trip, namely that I will show weakness and allow my feelings to take over the understanding that all the points have been made by me and at the same time, this is a challenge to myself, an attempt to look at it with different eyes, and move FINALLY to a new level of relationship - raising children together without living with each other.
Thank you in advance.

(separation) of parents for a child is pain, collapse, loss, loss. Separation from one of the parents causes a number of fears in a child: fear of never seeing dad again, fear of being abandoned by parents and losing the people he loves most. Separation from the father is not just disappointment, sadness, fear, but also a loss of oneself, because the child “accepts himself” as part of a loved one.

Separation makes a boy more lonely because he loses the masculine parts of his personality: strength, independence, confidence. Separation (divorce) from one of the parents quite often leads to the formation of neurotic symptoms (nocturnal enuresis, difficulties at school, aggressiveness, increased excitability, psychosomatic diseases, etc.). If parents don't find common language with each other, this leads children to serious conflicts.

Moms, if your child wants to see the father who left the family, this is not a betrayal on his part... This is just proof of strong love and affection for the second parent.

But can separation from your father, with all the pain and inevitable scars, have positive consequences? Yes, maybe, if the relationship with my father continues.

Continuing the relationship with the father is vital for the child. Every child should be sure that mom and dad continue to love him. Every child should know that he himself has the right to love both parents.

It is great if after a divorce the father continues to take care of the child, helps in preparing lessons and discusses school problems, and not just helps financially. A child, and especially a son, must be sure that separation will not affect joint activities and hobbies. With a change in the father's place of residence, the relationship will remain the same.

Unfortunately, in many cases, after a few years, the frequency and regularity of communication with the father may decline. Fathers who have left the family must remember that the role of a parent is not transferred to anyone and does not change. A child of any age needs a father, both at 5 years old for construction or hockey, and at 13-15 years old for a heart-to-heart conversation that will not take place with the mother.

Meetings with the father should be planned in advance, because a routine will bring confidence to the child during a difficult period. The father also should not disrupt the child at any time convenient for him. All meetings should be discussed in advance so that the child is emotionally prepared. If the child is not ready to attend new house Father, you shouldn’t insist on meeting there. You can meet on neutral territory, where the child is comfortable and calm.

Dear parents who have decided to do this difficult step, think about the child! Help him get through the separation period. Do not allow yourself negative comments about the parent who left the family. Form in yourself an adequate internal attitude towards the person with whom you had to break up, but who is the closest to the child. Strategies like these can really help you cope with your parents' divorce. Separation from the father will not become a life trauma for the child, but will be an event that brings him a certain internal and difficult experience.

A lot of events happen in a child’s life, but there are some that will never change. Let your child know that there will always be a mother in his life - kind, loving and sympathetic. There will always be a protective dad, a friend dad, to whom you can tell everything and who will teach you what they will never tell you at school. There will always be a home where they will feed him deliciously, listen, understand and support him!