School, friends, TV, computer... Who is always to blame for bad behavior and raising children? In short, everyone except the parents. Are you sure about this?

It's not for nothing that they say that hell is paved with good intentions. And, it would seem, even love and attention to your own child can play a bad joke on him if they are excessive. In psychology, this “too much” is usually called overprotection of a child. This is the very case when natural care for a baby develops into excessive anxiety and constant fear for his fate, restrictions on freedom, desires and even dreams. But how not to miss the very moment when you should stop, and what to do if your attention in your child’s life has become too much?

The one and only

Don’t create an idol for yourself, but give birth to one yourself - the main idea of ​​parents with pandering overprotection syndrome. It often occurs in single-parent families, where a mother, left alone with her child, pours all her unspent love and attention on her precious child. Getting used to permissiveness and his own ideality, later he may not find recognition in the team, and the lack of universal admiration is perceived quite painfully. And even after years, the echo of excessive guardianship can remind itself. Having grown up as the center of the family and the universe, a man runs the risk of encountering difficulties in organizing his personal life. How can you leave home, leaving your mother? And the mother, in turn, will not want to share her son’s attention with another woman.

Kids in a cage

It is no secret that many exhibitions of crafts in kindergartens resemble not the creativity of children, but a competition between parents. And instead of exhibits damaged either by fate or by a child’s hand, multi-colored appliques of Seryozha’s dad and a colorful self-portrait of Lena’s mother proudly rise on the shelves. This is the same case when the child’s desire to cut, draw or sculpt is crossed out by the parent’s desire to do everything smoothly and neatly. On the one hand, such perfectionism can allow you to receive a well-deserved cardboard medal, but on the other hand, it can give rise to doubts in your own abilities. In the future, this may lead to the fact that all the work he has started will be abandoned halfway. Why continue? After all, there is always mom and dad nearby, who will do much better...

Overprotection of children is often observed in families where a sick or physically handicapped child lives. In their desire to protect their child from everything in the world, parents only make him more vulnerable, completely unadapted to life, existing either behind his mother’s wing or in a cage. Remember the movie about the guy from the bubble whose mother wanted to protect her once sick son from “the world of dirt and other terrible things.” Once outside the house, he could not even buy a bus ticket on his own! Life, of course, is not a movie, but in reality, overprotected children are afraid to take an extra step without mom and dad, to defend their point of view and protect themselves. Any decision making generates diffidence, doubts and thoughts about one’s own inability, which can ultimately lead to a lack of friends and mental disorders such as psychoses and neuroses.

Signs of overprotection:

• excessive attention to the child;
• desire to protect him in his absence real danger;
• the desire to “tie” the child to yourself, making him dependent;
• ridding him of any situations that require a solution;
• the development of learned helplessness in a child - a reaction to the slightest obstacle as insurmountable.

How can parents get rid of overprotection of their child?

The first and, probably, most important thing that psychologists advise parents to do is to see an independent person in their child. Let not without shortcomings, but, nevertheless, capable and unique. However, many parents, especially mothers, find it difficult to shift all their attention to someone or something, and also to accept the fact that although their children love them, they can easily do without them. The following tip for getting out from under your mother's skirt has not only practical benefits, but also the practical benefit of giving your child responsibilities. Making the bed, removing toys, clothes, dishes from the table, taking out the trash, walking the dog, which, by the way, he himself asked for - all this will not only add responsibility to the little one, but will also free him up. personal time parents. By the way, mothers who are not susceptible to overprotective syndrome say that they play good films on TV.

It would also be useful to draw up a schedule indicating how much time is allocated for rest and homework. The latter, by the way, also require separation. The easy ones are completed independently, the medium ones with a little help from parents, and the tasks with an asterisk are completed together with mom and dad, remembering how this was solved twenty years ago? In addition, reluctance to do housework should be prosecuted under the Family Code. According to which, the fined person is deprived of a computer or has to do general cleaning of the apartment. The main thing is that the terms of the punishment are announced in advance and do not come as a surprise to the junior in rank.

Psychologists also recommend deciding on extracurricular activities, clubs and sections. A new hobby will allow you not only to develop independence, perseverance, attention and imagination, but also to increase self-esteem, see the result of your work, and also make like-minded friends (read “ How to identify talent in a child"). It is important that, first of all, he likes the classes, and not his parents. Now their task is not to redo everything for the child, but to help, observe and support. And there is no need to be afraid of mistakes! After all, each of us had turned over, smeared and thrown away more than one bowl of porridge before we learned to hold a spoon on our own.

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Question to a psychologist:

I am 31, my mother is 61. I have extremely incomprehensible feelings for her, for which I am ashamed. To begin with, she was very attached to her mother, my grandmother. And she now demands the same from me. Yes, and before too. In her youth, she liked to say that: “Mom should be best friend!" with a hint that I should tell her about all my experiences and secrets. Often, when she got bored, she loved to come to me, a teenager, sit next to me and start asking, “tell me something.” She was offended by refusals . "You do not love me! You don’t want to tell your mom anything!” (How indescribably her habit of speaking about herself in the third person still infuriates me!) She never tried to be this very friend, she always put herself with me as an authority, just like a parent puts herself with a child Oh yes. At the age of 17, she read my personal diary. There was nothing like that, I described my first sex. and ALWAYS answered that “Mom should know everything.” Always, as soon as I started talking about leaving ours for a larger and more prosperous city, she literally began to become hysterical with insults (“Who needs you there”) and tears (“You want to leave me?!”) No, she is not alone, she and her father have been together for more than 30 years, she also has a sister who lives with them, she has friends, but my mother is still not able to let me go. . Constantly donates food (they live in a private house with a garden), although my husband and I don’t eat it, he gets terribly offended if we refuse. I asked to look after the cat while on vacation - as a result, they found the apartment licked to a shine, with “order” in all the closets, things laid out at her discretion “because it’s so convenient.” When I asked her to give me the keys, she burst into tears and didn’t give me the keys. It happened many times before that she, having the keys, came in without warning, sometimes at the wrong time. Sometimes during scandals she says that “I am everything to you, I live for you!”... And she gets hysterical when I ask her to finally live for herself and stop suffocating me with her care. She never listens to my requests, brushing aside even the most basic thing - calling before she arrives. Or not go to our apartment (there are some of her things here) when we are not there. At one time she grew into her mother, and it seems to me that my mother always loved her grandmother more than me, I’m not offended for that, she just always paid more time and attention to her grandmother than to me. And when my grandmother passed away (it was a long period of about 2 years, I was 15-16, when my grandmother was sick and my mother was all in her), all her need for a “close person” collapsed on me. And I’m already unaccustomed to it. And in general, I was never attached to her, even in adolescence(14 years old) it was crazy for me to see how, for example, my roommate at a children's camp whined every day that she wanted to go to her mother. I can’t blame him and my father for the fact that I was deprived of something materially, the family is not rich, but I always had what I wanted, most likely because my mother knows how to save. Now I am pregnant and I think that she will be the last one to know about my pregnancy. I just can’t stand the thought of how she, with her hyper-concern, will begin to behave and interfere where she is not asked. She always says that she is pleased to help us, she likes it when we ask for something. And I’m trying to learn to live on my own (She lived with me until I was 28, setting a condition for me: we’ll separate only when you find a man to live with), without relying on the help of my parents, because I often think that when they’re gone, I won’t be there at all. I won’t be able to make any decisions myself. For some reason I can’t get rid of the thought that communicating with her only causes me irritation. And I feel guilty that I am “not gentle”, “animal”. I cannot express any gestures towards her, such as hugs or kisses, it is unpleasant for me, like some kind of barrier. Although I squeeze my husband without any problems. It’s hard for me that I didn’t turn out the way she wanted, that I’m not “mom-dependent.” I often tell her that we are different, was it really impossible to see this in our entire life?.. For her, MOTHER is God. For me, a mother is a relative, with her own shortcomings, to whom you can and should sometimes say NO. I don’t argue with the fact that I am spoiled in many ways, however, this awareness does not help me in any way in communicating with my mother. How to learn to communicate with her?

PS She doesn’t believe in any childhood trauma or psychologists.

Psychologist Olga Evgenievna Efremova answers the question.

Hello, Evelina.

I understand how difficult it is for you to communicate with your mother, and since your relationship “developed” a long time ago, it will be difficult to help you in a nutshell. And of course, I can’t give you advice on how to “remake” your mother so that it becomes easier to communicate with her. But you can change some things on your part. Your mother behaves characteristically of a “dependent” personality type. She is used to being in merging with her mother (that is, two separate people practically live as “one” person, without their own personal - separate from the other - space) and now that she is gone, she will continue the same relationship with you. I'm glad that you were able to partially separate yourself into a separate adult personality before adolescence, but still you had to adapt, defend invasions of privacy, and it seems that now the moment has come when your resources are running out. Of course, you won’t be able to change your mother, but you can change the form of communication.

First, I recommend reading more about dependent relationships, so that you better understand what and why is happening to your mother, what needs and desires drive her, and how this affects you, the person on whom her dependence is directed (taking the form of “hypercare”). Your mother has not learned to be a “separate”, emotionally independent person (her family did not teach this, so she simply does not know any other way), so she needs a second person in order to feel whole. She needs the constant support of a second person - his attention and love, and, most unpleasantly, his personal space. Now she gets her integrity from the role of a mother - that’s why she talks about herself as a mother in the third person - this is her role, which is emphasized for her. You intuitively correctly wanted to redirect her attention to herself and her life, but this is unusual and unfamiliar to her, and changing something, rebuilding herself is difficult, especially if she’s already happy with everything. But still, the only way out is to help her become more independent emotionally (which, to be honest, is already very problematic with people her age), that is, to help her separate from you. You can also give her support, attention and love in the form and quantity that suits you. And get used to it gradually.

The last option is something you can change. If you want to change your relationship, remove any forms of dependence on your part - really make all decisions on your own (or with your husband - as far as your family is concerned), do not involve your mother in your personal issues. Calmly explain why it is important for you to independently control issues with your personal life (for example, regarding your apartment), clearly arguing and always with assurances that you love and respect her, and this will not affect your feelings in any way, do not blame, say more about your feelings and needs, and about feelings for your mother - always in the “I-message” format. For example: “I appreciate and respect, Mom, your desire to help and take care of me, and I love you very much, but I don’t need so much care anymore. I’m 31 years old, I have a husband, and I don’t need so much care anymore. And I also have a need to feel like the mistress of my home. Therefore, it is important for me that you warn me when you want to come or not come when we are not at home. This would be the best care for me from your side. Then I will really feel, that you care about me, and that you understand me and care about my feelings too." This is an example, of course, talk about your feelings, in your own words, the main thing is sincerely, without pretending or pretending anything.

Secondly, you need to deal with those feelings that are now interfering with “normal”, calm communication with your mother. Of those you mentioned, the strongest ones seem to be irritation and guilt. Apparently you are constantly experiencing them, as a background, I think a lot of them have accumulated over the years, so it is undesirable to continue to ignore them. Both guilt and irritation are hidden and suppressed anger, which nevertheless breaks through, but in a more “soft” or “acceptable” form.

It’s normal for any person to get angry when their boundaries are violated, but many of us are not accustomed to adequately protect and defend them, and even more so in many families there is an attitude - to be angry with your parents?? Is this even possible?! () You can express anger in an acceptable form, talking about what makes you angry and why, explaining why the other person’s action hurts you (again in the form of an I-message, then this will not cause a response of defense and attack).

But you can do this when you free yourself from the large “charge” of that inner anger and irritation that has been accumulating for a long time. Otherwise, at the slightest provocation, a whole avalanche of what you have been holding back for a long time will break through, and you will not be able to talk calmly.

In the format that I can give advice here on the site, letters help to free oneself from such accumulated feelings. For example, this technique: 7 days in a row. For 5 evenings, write 40 sentences on a piece of paper about your feelings for your mother, starting with the words “I forgive you for...” - and write down all the experiences, grievances that you have experienced/are still experiencing because of your mother. That is, you apologize not for her actions, but for your feelings and experiences, for what is happening to you. Once you have written it, burn it without re-reading it. Every evening is a new leaf. On days 6 and 7, start sentences with “I thank you for...” and write what you are grateful for - lessons, experiences, etc. If you need more days, give yourself as many as you need. This is a great self-help tool. If it’s difficult to cope on your own, with a psychologist you can quickly work through both your feelings and rebuild your relationship with your mother. But in any case, it would be very useful for you now to free yourself from destructive emotions.

You also need to work with feelings of guilt - this is the button that your mother is used to stepping on - with her grievances, complaints, accusations of insensitivity, etc. - to get the attention she needs and the behavior that suits her. You are not doing anything bad to your mom by living your life. So why do you feel guilty? That you are not what your mother needs (conveniently)? You have feelings, they are not what your mother would like, but they have not become bad because of this. Don't devalue yourself out of nowhere.

You need to remove this hook in yourself in the form of a feeling of guilt so that you don’t cling to it all the time. The main thing is to understand that it is definitely NOT your fault that you are not what she needs. You do NOT and should NOT be dependent on her for the rest of your life. You have every right as an adult, have your own personal life, your own space, your own needs and desires. You now need to learn to talk about them directly, in a form understandable to her, of course with respect, etc. but still teach you to hear and treat them with respect. Learn to negotiate with your mother openly (and teach her), ask her why it is so important for her to enter your space without asking, why it is important for her to give you food, etc. about all the issues that cause conflicts between you. You also need to understand her motives and needs in order to interact with them.

The process of restructuring is not quick, it is not so simple, but relationships are always built more than in one day. And your relationship with your mother has developed over many years, so now it will take time to change it. Therefore, be patient and your efforts will not be in vain. And, of course, first of all, now think about yourself and your future baby, try not to worry once again. Everything that happens around is the environment that you need at this particular time. Notice the good things that happen to you, feel grateful for them, and do what you can. And if there is something that you cannot influence now, let go of your mental control of these things. Your positive emotions and calm now are the health of your baby. This is the most important thing now.

Good luck, health, peace and family well-being!

4.8157894736842 Rating 4.82 (19 Votes)

It is not so easy to explain to people that overprotection can turn into a real problem. Few people understand this, because it’s somehow not good to complain about “very strong love.” But in fact this is a problem and often a very big one. What effect does parental overprotection have on children? And how to get rid of overprotection? We will try to answer these and other questions in this article.

What it’s like to live under the overprotective mother’s care is impossible for anyone who has not experienced it to imagine. And this whole article will sound strange and biased for those people who were deprived mother's love in childhood. Of course, it is really very difficult for an orphan or a person deprived of his mother’s attention to live in this world. But this is a completely different story and this article is not on this topic. This article is dedicated to everyone who grew up (or maybe continues to live right now) under the overprotection of their mother. About the psychological consequences this phenomenon for a child, as well as how to live before, during and after overprotection - read below.

Overprotection through the eyes of a child, teenager and adult

An overly restless and caring mother does not really alarm the adults around her. Although from the outside she looks somewhat annoying, but at the same time, everyone understands that this is nothing more than love for her child. Can love really hurt anyone? On the contrary, it seems to us that she is magnificent, best mother in the world.

But is it? What does overprotection look like on the part of a child? Small and already adult. Let's look at the situation through his eyes, but first let's look at what kind of feelings connect mother and child.
Everyone knows that little children love their parents very much. But what kind of “love” is this? Is it the same as for a loved one or for one’s homeland? Or maybe it’s similar to the love of delicious soup? No, a child’s love for his parents is special, unlike any other feeling. This is a special attachment, so to speak psychological dependence. This feeling is based on a very important subconscious feeling: security in the world. Childhood is carefree precisely because of this feeling of absence of threats - you have hearty food, a roof over your head, warm clothes, interesting toys, as well as love and affection. And where all this comes from, the child does not care at all - it does not even occur to him to think about it.

In childhood, it seems to any child that his dad is the strongest in the world, and his mother is the kindest. This is a completely normal feeling. But a child is an individual person and as he grows up, he begins to feel his own desires, his own characteristics. He develops his own character and his own worldview. And very soon the child begins to understand that mom and dad are people who give him a lot, but also forbid him a lot, limit his freedom, teach him, force him to do what he doesn’t want. There is no child in the world who, as he grows up, would not want to quickly become an adult himself, to choose for himself what to do and what not to do. And, when adolescence begins, the child begins to try - to take responsibility for his own life. That is, he begins to try to provide himself with the same feeling of security that his parents gave him.

Parents while the child little parents They try to instill in him the maximum number of positive qualities, which he will then use in adulthood. As long as a child is dependent on his parents, they can influence him - and it is only on the understanding of his own child that it depends on how developed and realized a personality he will grow up to be. Some people do it better, while others hang their own complexes and problems on their children. But, one way or another, the formation of a new person occurs precisely towards the end adolescence- approximately at 17-19 years old. And everything that his parents managed to teach him during childhood, he begins to apply in life.

What happens in a family where there is parental overprotection? The mother really loves the child very much and is constantly in a state of concern about him and his health. From the outside it may seem that she is thinking about his desires. But that's not true. She anticipates his desires, preventing him from developing. People buy him toys before he even deserves them. He is given more affection and care than he needs. And of course, the child likes it, especially at a young age. But what does this lead to?

The mother, with her overprotection, truly deprives the child of the pressure of the landscape, that is, of shortages. Simply put, it protects him from mistakes. At first glance, this is wonderful, but if you look at the situation more closely, the opposite is true. To understand that the floor is hard and the fire is hot, small child you need to knock your knee down and get the first burn in your life. To understand what true friendship, first love, evil betrayal is, you need to find your first friend, even at 3 years old, fall in love for the first time, even at 6 years old, and also feel betrayal from the outside loved one, albeit at 10 years old. All this is accompanied by experience, but these are the experiences of a child that should be in his life. He must cry bitterly and rejoice, must experience everything, even if it is sometimes painful and unpleasant.

And in conditions of parental overprotection, this is simply impossible: no one will let you fall and break your knee, and then cry bitterly over it. The mother vigilantly makes sure that the child does not get too hungry - and feeds him even before he has time to develop a feeling of hunger. The mother cleans the room herself and washes the child’s things herself. She doesn't even think about teaching him all these skills - she's pleased to do the job. How can he then live his life? Such a mother, as a rule, does not think about this for the time being.

The absence of problems and obstacles is a real disaster. His own desires do not develop, the child does not learn anything. But nature is not as generous as it seems, and all people have a limited time for this work - until the end of adolescence. In adulthood, we simply realize ourselves, develop intellectually, but much will be lost forever.

How is life for children under overprotection? Differently. Depending on his vectors, such a child begins to live under overprotection in the way that suits him. Some children, already at a young age, begin to get very sick, using their mother’s attention like a drug, tying her more and more to themselves. They understand that they can truly use their illnesses and solve their problems. For example, you may not go to kindergarten, Mom will be sorry if I cry. You can also avoid school later - after all, you can study at home, with mommy. The child does not realize that adult life will soon come and it will be very difficult for him. For this, he needs a mother who, despite his hysterics and illnesses, can make him live a full life.

When I was little, I, of course, did not know that my mother was overprotective of me. To me she was completely normal and I loved her very much.

One of the first memories of my childhood: when I was just a baby, I chased a squirrel and moved to another yard, where I immediately became friends with some girl. We braided her doll's hair and chatted about our own, girlish things. And so I return to my own yard - my mother runs to meet me, she cries bitterly, falls on her knees in front of me and kisses my hands. She smiles happily and says, “Oh-oh-oh, you’re alive, what a blessing, but I thought something terrible had happened.” I understand that she loves me very much and is very happy to see me. But I understand that now I can demand anything from my mother - otherwise, I might get lost. I was a very cunning child and often took advantage of my mother’s impressionability.

As a teenager, her overprotectiveness began to infuriate me. I remember I went to music school, and my mother was almost always waiting for me at the bus stop. She arrived early and often froze or got wet in the rain, she looked like a lost puppy looking pitifully into her eyes. She felt guilty that she was meeting me, already an adult 15-year-old “big guy”, a head taller than her. I had to hold back my irritation and answer through clenched teeth that it was okay that she met me.

During my student years, I simply felt ashamed of my mother and her behavior. I've never hidden where I'm going. I always warned you when I would return. I always left the landline phone number of the friends I was visiting (there were no cell phones then). But before I had time to reach my destination, my mother was already calling this number: “How is your daughter doing? She got there fine, right? She hasn’t gotten there yet? Oh, God!!! Something must have happened! Let him call me, as soon as he arrives!" But, without waiting for the call, 10 minutes later she called again, asking if I had already arrived. And so on until I called back about my arrival. By the way, later she always apologized and said that she understood that she was disgracing me, but she couldn’t help herself.

Not all children use overprotection to their advantage. Others - in response to overprotection - become aggressive and try with all their might to get away from the parent, which leads to extreme stress for all participants in the situation. Still others become completely weak-willed and remain infantile for the rest of their lives. Isn’t it true, “mama’s boy” is a positive description for a child, but as they grow older, it also becomes a negative characteristic, presenting a 40-year-old man as a real weak-willed “tutya”.

A person who grew up under the influence of parental overprotection always has psychological problems. Larger or smaller. But if you grew up under the yoke of overprotection or are still under it, please read the following paragraphs - perhaps they will help you understand your parents, your mother.

Overprotection is a curse for the child, a curse for the mother

Overprotection has all the signs of over-care for a child. As a rule, it begins immediately with the birth of the baby, and, unfortunately, does not end even when the children grow up.
No matter how surprising this may sound for a child who grew up in overprotection, but in fact, for the mother, her own condition becomes a very great suffering. And women who have a certain combination of vectors - anal and visual - always suffer from this syndrome. To the strong maternal instinct that appears in them at the birth of a child is added the feeling emotional attachment in the visual vector. And if the latter is realized not in compassion, but in constant fear for the child, she turns into a super-caring mother, whose overprotection becomes an obsessive action.

Constant anxiety, annoying thoughts about tragedy that come to mind by themselves - fears torment her. Gradually, it is fears for the child that turn the life of such a person into a real, complete hell. Of course, in early childhood When a child is constantly in sight, at home, under his own wing, it doesn’t feel that way. But as soon as he disappears from sight, subconscious questions immediately begin: what if something happened? What if you got into an accident? What if the hooligans beat you up? What if, suddenly, suddenly? But every year he leaves for an increasingly longer period: first to school, then to clubs and friends, and later, he tries to leave home altogether. And every time, this anxiety, fear for his life is like an itch that cannot be gotten rid of.

I remember when my brother was about 13, he went to karate class and didn’t return at the appointed time. Mom got worried, dad and I calmed her down - probably the bus just broke down or something like that. But an hour passed and there was no sign of my brother. It was quickly getting dark outside, and my mother was rushing around the apartment, unable to find a place for herself. She said that her legs became weak and a condition began, as if you were losing consciousness. She was afraid, and her fear was animalistic. When her brother did not come even two hours later, she got dressed and ran to the bus stop, but after 10 minutes she returned to find out if he had come, if they had missed each other. He was absent. Mom screamed at dad, wringing his hands, and forced him to run somewhere, too, to look for his brother. I was little and they also dressed me in a hurry so as not to leave me alone at home. We rushed through the dark streets. I was scared, it seemed that my brother’s corpse must be lying behind the nearest bush, because my mother constantly, non-stop wailed that something had happened to him, a tragedy had occurred. When 4 hours had passed, at 8 pm, we returned home exhausted. Mom wanted to run to the police, but dad said there was no reason yet.

Then mom ran out into the corridor. The doors remained open and I heard her sobs in the elevator - she was on her knees, hugging the elevator doors and saying into the lifeless doors “please bring him... please bring him... please bring him...” She already has there were no tears, and the skin was so pale, as if transparent. This is a very scary memory from my childhood, when I thought my mother was dying.

My brother came at 9 pm as if nothing had happened. He was just hanging out with friends, as he explained his lateness. By the way, 9 pm was the time after which he was not allowed to return home, so he came on time.

Every time the child returns home, alive and healthy, the anal-visual mother, who has overprotectiveness syndrome, experiences real relief and happiness. She never beats her child or punishes her, even if he has done something wrong. On the contrary, she rushes to him, kisses him, thanks him for being alive. She does this as unconsciously as she was worried until that moment.

Parental overprotection is a very serious condition, a real curse. Not only for the child, but also for the parent himself. In a state of overprotection, love for a child is just a cover. In fact, the parent is afraid for himself, because he understands that the loss of a child will be too great a loss for him, which he will not survive. This is a condition that a person cannot cope with on his own - it is a real psychological illness for which one cannot blame or reproach.

What to do with parental overprotection? How to get rid of overprotection?

We do not choose where and when we are born. We don't choose our parents. But parents don’t choose what they should be like, what they should feel towards their child. A parent just wants to give his child good life, but, unfortunately, sometimes it does it stupidly and clumsily, and maybe even harms.

A person who grew up under his mother's overprotection most likely has some psychological problems. But this can almost always be fixed. Likewise, a mother who raises children and suffers from overprotective syndrome can get rid of this. Today there is a wonderful training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, where every person can understand the root causes, the psychology of their actions, and therefore their entire life. If you grew up with parental overprotection, be sure to come to the training, and also bring your parents - it will be very interesting and educational, and will change your relationship. The introductory part of the lectures is absolutely free and available to everyone at

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Overprotection of a child: causes, consequences, advice to parents. How does overprotection manifest itself? What causes it and what are the consequences. What should children do? Advice for parents.

Caring for children is normal behavior on the part of parents. But more and more often there are situations when parents, for one reason or another, are too protective of their children. Without giving them freedom and independence in making this or that decision. The other side of the coin is also dangerous - the lack of attention from the older generation. One way or another, neither overprotection nor its absence is desirable for children. You can learn how parents can avoid going overboard from the article.

What does overprotection mean?

• Some parents cross the line in raising and caring for their children. By exercising excessive guardianship, they themselves do not understand that they are disrupting the child’s natural development process and blocking his opportunity to gain experience. Signs that overprotection may be interfering with children's growth and development include:
• There are times when parents try to stand up for their children, literally depriving them of the opportunity to independently learn to stand up for themselves. Thus, when coming to school to talk with the offender, parents do not think about the child’s future reputation as a “mama’s boy” and the like, which may further negatively affect the overall formation of development.
• This picture often occurs. If a child falls, then parents or grandparents, instead of actually helping the child, often try to smooth out the conflict by rewarding them in the form of sweets and toys. In this case, the child may develop social dependence and too high a level of self-esteem, and with the help of such tricks he may try to manipulate adults in his favor.
• It is often the case that a child who has already reached a fairly adult level cannot even be in different rooms from his parents. Parents control every step of the child, not realizing that they are ruining his psychological development.
• Another mistake parents make is limiting their child. Children are quite freedom-loving creatures and any restriction leaves a negative imprint on their psyche. Often such children grow up to be rebels and representatives of a certain culture, as if in protest of restrictions and social norms.
• The carrot and stick method in raising children is only useful if used in the right way. When there is totalitarian control of a mother over her daughter, and a father over his son, any way out family traditions which such parents establish leads the child to sometimes cruel punishment.
• Often parents focus their child's attention on only one area of ​​life. Finding a job, studying, and so on. And if the child does not correspond to their fictitious ideals or is below the level of the children of family friends, then the parents begin to psychologically put pressure on the child, and the child, in turn, develops perfectionism over time, which interferes with the overall formation of the child’s personality.

Why does overprotection appear?

Hyperprotection does not appear out of nowhere. The reasons can be a variety of factors, but knowing some of them can reveal a pattern in time and prevent the negative impact of the behavior of such parents on the child’s life.

One of the most common reasons is the parents' reluctance to be left alone. In other words, than older child, the more the parents are afraid that he will leave them. Research shows that the fear of loneliness in old age haunts large quantity elderly parents.

Some parents are too suspicious. They are not able to trust their child, and, as a result, they themselves can slow down the process of his overall development. For example, not letting one go to school, not allowing certain things to be done without logical reasons, and so on.

Often for total control Parents over children lie with the banal desire of parents to assert themselves at the expense of their child. For example, too high demands on a child, misunderstanding, lack of faith in his strength, all this may indicate an attempt at psychological control on the part of the adult generation and reluctance to accept the child for who he is.

Sometimes the reason for excessive guardianship is the jealousy of parents and reluctance to let the child go into adulthood. This behavior often occurs when parents do not accept the other half of their child, considering the union not strong enough, immoral, and so on.

Consequences of overprotection

If parents still do not want to let their adult children go, they risk ruining their child’s life. Such excessive guardianship can affect the child in the following ways:

What to do for children

Children who have realized that overprotection was or is present in the family can act as follows:

1. Children can come to terms with this condition of existence, but when their parents are gone, their way of life will be completely disrupted and for them, an alien world and independent life can become a real tragedy.
2. Often children rebel against their parents and established norms, which in this case can also be taken as normal behavior.
3. Sometimes adult children choose middle method between the first and second. They simply do not tell their parents about their plans, but act independently, overcoming fears themselves and going beyond the usual boundaries of comfort. This method is the most convenient and will allow parents to understand without scandal that the child is no longer a child, but an adult and mature personality with his own values ​​and beliefs.

In any case, it is worth remembering that in child custody you need to be able to find a middle ground, otherwise there is a risk of ruining the life not only of yourself, but also of your child.