At the age of three to five, children truly believe that the world revolves around them. The child's natural reaction to the discrepancy between reality and his expectations is resentment. Mom did not buy a new toy in the store, dad did not listen to the story about new friends on the playground, grandmother forbade eating ice cream on the street - any refusal or prohibition by adults during this period may become a reason for the kid to feel offended. The portal "I am a parent" will tell parents about the reasons for children's grievances and how to behave correctly with a touchy child.

Children tend to be offended by parental refusals and prohibitions. The lack of attention, praise and approval of their actions from loved ones. To most adults, their grievances seem insignificant and far-fetched, but in fact they are not - babies deeply experience conflicts with their parents, and the lack of proper support for moms and dads in such situations can lead to internal discomfort and the development of psychological problems in the child.

Increased resentment in children of three years old may be associated with an age crisis, the peak of which occurs at two and a half to three years, when the child develops self-esteem. During this period, the behavior of babies is distinguished by increased emotionality and a tendency to conflict. The child reacts with resentment, crying and screaming even to the smallest, most insignificant reason.

Starting at the age of five, childhood resentments are already more similar to those experiences that adults experience. At this age, it is important for a child to recognize him in the children's team, as well as a positive attitude towards him from his peers. Therefore, all the grievances, discontent and misunderstandings should be dealt with by parents with their child.

How to deal with resentful children?

Sensitive children are very vulnerable and often find a reason for frustration where there is none. Experts of the portal "I am a parent" give how to help a child cope with resentment.

1. Control your own emotions

To teach your baby how to deal with emotions, parents should learn to control their own feelings and emotions. If, in a fit of anger or resentment, you raise your voice, throw accusations and reproaches to the offender, then it is quite expected that the child will behave similarly in similar situations. recommend getting rid of this habit. To do this, learn to speak with others in a calm voice. When discussing a child's misconduct, make it a rule to replace accusatory phrases with neutral ones. For example, instead of the phrase “You are completely incapable of behaving,” you can say: “I was very upset when you did this and that…”. Remember, young children often copy the behavior and behavior of their parents, especially their aggressive behavior, so try to maintain authority in the eyes of your child and instill in him respect for elders.

2. Show attention to the child

If the child is often offended, be more attentive to him. Always ask what happened, if you see that he is about to cry, praise him for every good deed, listen to the child if he wants to tell about something. By acting in this way, you show your baby that you care about the feelings he is experiencing.

3. Empathize with your child

If you refused to buy your child a new toy, and he threw a tantrum in response, you shouldn't say “Don't cry”, “You will manage” or “Nothing terrible happened, you already have a lot of them!”. These phrases will not comfort the kid. In this situation, it is wiser to give him the opportunity to speak out or cry without interrupting him. Remember, parental support is extremely important for an offended child, because he wants to be understood, heard and shared in his grief. Therefore, show sympathy and understanding for your child. Tell him that you fully understand him and that if you were in his place, you would also have negative feelings.

4. Teach your child to manage negative emotions

When the initial outburst of emotion has subsided, explain to your child that resentment is a negative emotion and explain how to deal with it properly. For example, have him imagine what an offense might look like and draw it on paper. Help him with leading questions: what color, shape, what does it look like? When the kid finishes the "portrait of resentment", tear up and discard the drawing with him. Explain to him that he can do the same things every time he experiences negative emotions. Teach him and mental visualization of resentment so that the child can get rid of this feeling even when there is no paper and felt-tip pens at hand.

You will learn how to reduce the level of anxiety in a child of three to six years old and teach him to manage his emotions from a video lesson with the participation of an expert of the portal "I am a parent" psychologist Anastasia Sitnikova.

Victoria Gritsuk

Take a psychological test developed by the experts of the portal "I am a parent", which will help determine whether you are spending enough time with your child.

The emotional reaction of a person to a situation when he is ignored, rejected or treated unfairly is expressed by an experience in the form of resentment. Today we are going to talk about childhood resentment. Offended children behave in different ways: some turn away and leave, others cry or try to beat the offender, some want to run away. To combat resentment, you need to investigate the reasons that provoke its appearance.

Causes of children's resentment

Childish resentment expresses the degree of vulnerability and vulnerability in matters of child's self-image. What are the reasons why children are upset and offended:

• The child is sensitive from birth. There are children who are sensitive by nature, therefore attached to their parents, need their love and acceptance;
• Parents cannot accept the characteristics of the child. Often the behavior of parents is aimed at the fact that they are ready to accept the baby if he fulfills their requirements. Parents try to educate by remaking the child's character, often shame him, deprive him of much, violating his inner comfort. Regular criticism destroys self-confidence, the baby begins to think that he is unloved and not needed by anyone;
• The feeling of hostility in the world causes an inappropriate attitude in the child. Systematic limitation of behavior creates a state in the baby when he feels that he is unable to resist these limitations, which humiliate his dignity. The baby shows isolation and resentment;
• Failure to meet the expectations of others. This understanding of things leads to the fact that the baby becomes aggressive or touchy;
• The manifestation of overprotection. Fearing that the baby will not be able to cope with difficulties on his own, his parents take care of him all the time. The child has the feeling that he should not cope with difficult situations, that everything will be done for him. Finding himself face to face with difficulty, the baby begins to take offense at the whole world around him;
• Indulging in childhood desires. The strict fulfillment of all the baby's desires creates in him the opinion that everyone in the world owes him, that he is in charge and can behave the way he wants. Complaints about the behavior of such a baby will resent him;
• Unfulfilled expectations. If the child expects some action from the parents, but for some reason his expectations are not met, then he is offended or protests.

How to deal with resentful children

What approach is needed in a situation where a child is offended? How can you help him overcome resentment?

• Emotional control. An offended child can throw a tantrum. It is quite difficult to stop the crying of a child without breaking loose. But you need to control your emotions and stay calm. At least external balance can calm the baby;
• Help for the kid. Talk to your child lovingly, sitting down so that your faces are at the same level. When explaining, you can hold the baby's hand, gently stroking his head. This will help him to free himself of negative emotions;
• Sympathy. Try to voice the child's unexpressed feelings by saying that you understand them. The baby will calm down, feeling that his mother shares his feelings and is ready to help;
• A softening of an unconditional no. To defeat tantrums, you can replace strict prohibitions with the ability to fulfill the baby's desire. For example, a child wants ice cream in winter weather. We refuse to buy ice cream, but instead we offer juice and cake. This technique will soften the prohibition and will not create resentment.

How to help a child

Analyzing the situation with a resentful child, you can see that children often do not know what types of reactions to offense exist. The adult must open up to the child the possibility of a different response to the offense. How?

• Help avoid generalizing. The offended child says that everyone is offended. It is necessary to decipher, analyze the situation for specific cases of insult. When a child thinks that everyone is hurting, he has no way out of the hurt situation. He may withdraw and stop communicating. Therefore, it is worth finding out who exactly offended;
• Advise to contact the abuser directly. This is one of the important types of reactions to resentment, when the baby directly declares to the offender that he is unpleasant about a certain action, word or attitude. This approach helps to protect against resentment and maintain further friendly relations;
• You can ignore it. In some cases, a touchy child becomes a kind of target for angry children. Therefore, any explanation is meaningless, on the contrary, this is the reaction that the offender expects. You can ignore the offensive words, imagining that the abuser is not around, although this requires self-control and emotional stability, which is available to older children;
• Using excuses. Some automatic responses to hurtful words will help build protection. For example, to direct name-calling like "Clumsy" you can answer: "Hello, Clumsy, nice to meet you, my name is Sergei." This manner of response is convenient for children of preschool and primary school age;
• Develop interest in other children. Resentful children have too much focus on themselves and their shortcomings. It seems to them that they are all criticized. These children need to develop a genuine interest in other children. For this, children need to communicate more, learn personal qualities, interests, and abilities of their peers. Seeing a personality in another child, the baby will stop accumulating grievances;
• Self-assessment of your own achievements. Usually a touchy child is highly dependent on other people's opinions. If he was praised, then he is pleased and happy, his work or good deed was not noticed, he is offended. Such children need to be taught to notice their merits and to appreciate them. You can start small: when writing, let him highlight the most well-written letters. He designed a voluminous work, let him be proud of his achievements, etc. The child should be taught to find internal supports so that someone else's opinion does not oppress his personality;
• Joint search for ways to protect against grievances. Discuss with the child what other ways of reacting to the resentment he imagines, what could be said, done. Write down his proposals on a piece of paper, add your options. Invite the kid to choose the most successful option from the list, play him using role play. This will help the child in the future to properly respond to the offense.

Helping children to overcome resentment should be built in accordance with the following conditions:

• to provide psychological assistance to children, preliminary diagnostic work should be carried out to identify the level of preparedness of children to overcome resentment;
• the child must have a psychological basis for working with a specialist;
• work to get rid of grievances is built in stages with the gradual interaction of parents and teachers.

Separately, we need to talk about the role of parents in helping resentful children. The problem is based on the style of parenting in the family. If mutual understanding reigns between the parents, then the issues of the child's touchiness are resolved painlessly and effectively. The following tips will help parents in this difficult job:

• More communication and goodwill so that the child does not have to remind you of this;
• Children don't like it when others are praised in their presence. Here, a timely explanation to the child is necessary that it is normal to praise those who deserve it, and we must strive for this;
• A lot of time and effort needs to be devoted to emotional education, teaching children the correct response in a given situation;
• Try to teach the child to understand other people, put yourself in their place;
• The child must get used to the fact that the actions of people are diverse. This must be realized and accepted;
• A good book or a skillfully selected cartoon will help, using the example of the heroes, to more effectively explain to the baby how best to get out of the situation without offense;
• Explain to the child in which case the resentment is adequate, in which it did not make sense to be offended;
• Refuse to reproach about the baby's habit of being offended. This is unproductive. It is better to find such educational tactics in which it will be possible to soften the offense;
• It is important that the child does not build up negative feelings. Let the child share emotions in a timely manner and free himself from worries;
• Comparison with other children can be harmful to the baby's psyche. You should not talk to him about his superiority or lag in something compared to other children;
• Always look at the heart of the problem, find the real reasons for the grievances;
• In explaining things and situations in life, rely on humor and teach your baby to perceive everything with a smile.

A little about the prevention of touchiness in a child

Any problem is easier to prevent than to solve. Education is not only a purposeful process of transferring knowledge, abilities and skills. This is an extensive systematic work that requires constant attention, patience, perseverance, and wisdom. What is this complex process based on? The basic category of educational activity is parental unconditional love and constant care.

If the baby grew up in an atmosphere of love and attention from the parents, his reactions to the world around him are quite adapted, and any problem can be analyzed as soon as possible and can be easily resolved.

It is not for nothing that the people say that "they carry water to the offended." Such people often became outcasts in society, they were shunned. So among the children, those who are offended, do not like, deliberately provoke them into a conflict, provoke them. And although offended child often causes pity in adults, one cannot be limited to censure of those who offended him, you need to help the baby develop character and temper his personality so that he is not so vulnerable.

Resentment - what is it?

In the most general terms, resentment is the feeling of your own rejection. Most of all, a person, especially a small one, is hurt by inattention, ignorance on the part of other children and adults.

This is where the painful experience of refusing to accept into the game comes from. Or when other children are allowed to learn poetry for a matinee, but you are not. Or when the little sister gets all the attention of parents and grandmothers, and you sit in a corner and are sad, because everyone seems to have forgotten that you, in fact, have a holiday too ...

For the first time, people experience resentment at the age of three or four. And the "flowering" of this phenomenon occurs in senior preschool and primary school age. That's when the first "intrigues" and "showdowns" begin among children. It's all about the need to satisfy a sense of self-worth, not only in the family, but also among peers in the children's team.

Reasons for resentment

Offended child can feel itself in several cases:

• when they openly ignore him or do not give him due attention (they do not take into the game, they do not give an answer in the lesson)
• they refuse to give him something that he wants (they are not allowed to take a toy, they do not give the desired gift)
• behave disrespectfully towards him (tease, humiliate)
• when he sees a clear advantage of those who get fame and success

In these situations, children behave differently. Some are offended, others seek to extinguish the conflict, while others, on the contrary, are aggressive.

The task of the one who feels resentment is to influence the conscience of the offender. By their behavior offended childtries to cause the other to feel guilty and make him repent, apologize.

Unlike those who prove their innocence with their fists, such a child, on the one hand, will draw attention to himself with a mournful look, tears "on the sly", going aside, on the other hand, he seems to hint at the offender about the need to admit his guilt and ask forgiveness.

Psychologists say that the “sensitivity threshold” is different for all children. It depends on self-esteem. All of them care about the attitude of those around them. Children with low self-esteem experience the greatest dependence on other people's opinions. If they do not receive the desired confirmation of their exclusivity from others, then they regard this as a denial of themselves. Hence the deep inner feelings and resentment towards the whole world.

It is important for adults to understand the motives behind the behavior of the offended child. Having learned the essence of his internal contradictions and problems, you can influence his emotional state.

How to help an offended child?

Some adults mistakenly believe that it takes as much as possible to satisfy a child's need for recognition and respect. But practice shows otherwise. With such an attitude, children begin to regard their peers as competitors and perceive their recognition by adults as a threat to their own "light image". So the first conclusion is to avoid any assessments, both positive and negative.

Offended child it is better not to take part in contests and competitions that are widely practiced in our schools. For him, these are unjustified expectations and unnecessary experiences. At least until the moment when he, with the help of adults, does not understand that other people do not exist in order to be better or worse than him. That their main task is not to compete with him, that their assessment is not the main thing in life at all.

Games useful for “reformatting” the perception of a touchy child are team games in which children experience the experience of belonging, friendly communication, where everyone's contribution to a common cause is valuable. By organizing such games, adults help children to shift the focus of perception from themselves to others. It helps to overcome resentment.

Many parents may find that their child may often be offended. He "puffs over trifles", reacts too emotionally to comments, sits alone for a long time, cries ... The little man suffers from his own resentment, and the parents worry and do not know what to do in such difficult situations. Our article will help you, dear parents, to understand the peculiarities of such a phenomenon as children's resentment.

Causes of children's resentment

Resentment - this negative experience of a person of his failure, his rejection by people. But every person, and a child - most of all, would like to feel their importance and value, at least from the people close to him. In some, this natural need is more pronounced, in others - to a somewhat lesser extent. However, both those and other children experience those moments that are associated with how they are perceived.

Children's sensitivity - these are facts of the degree of vulnerability and vulnerability of the child in a particular sphere of ideas about himself (character, appearance, abilities, etc.). let's consider the reasons, as a result of which the child may be upset and offended:

1. Congenital sensitivity of the child. Some children are naturally emotionally sensitive and vulnerable, so they often get offended. Such children especially feel the need for affection for their parents, their love, acceptance by them with all the characteristics.
2. Parents' rejection of the child's characteristics. Many parents demonstrate that they will only accept their children if their behavior matches their requirements. Parents who are trying to harshly alter the child, as if “to violate the boundaries of his comfort,” shaming him and depriving him of a warm relationship, provoke him to be offended even more. And the constant rejection of the child's individuality (criticism, reproaches) contributes to the development of insecurity in the baby and encourages him to think that he is not needed and is not loved.
3. The child reacts inadequately because he feels the hostility of the world.Facing constant constraints on various manifestations of his behavior, the child begins to see even neutral situations. He believes that everything is against him. Not having the strength to resist external constraints that humiliate his dignity, the child withdraws into himself, takes offense.
4. The child realizes that he does not meet the expectations of others. In such cases, he is either angry and behaving aggressively, or vexedly offended.
5. . It so happens that parents do not believe in the independence of the child, not allowing him to cope with difficulties on his own. Then he develops a fear of difficult situations and stresses, an inability to overcome them. Such a child will grow up with the expectation that everything will be done for him. And when faced with difficulties, he will sincerely take offense at the whole world.
6. Parents indulge the child's wishes. In the case when the parents strive to fulfill all the child's desires and allow him to behave as he pleases, he will get the impression that the whole world owes him. The child who considers himself to be in charge will receive comments about his behavior. And, of course, he will be offended, as he is no less vulnerable than other children.
7. Child's expectations. For example, a child thinks: “Mom has to buy something tasty for me every time,” but this suddenly does not happen. When faced with a different idea of \u200b\u200bthe parents about the current situation, the child is offended and protests.

“Council. The best that parents can do for the correct development of the child's personality is to begin to perceive him as a unique personality. Love your child as he is. "

Dealing with the problem

Have you noticed that your child is all in tears, offended? How to behave?

1. You need to control yourself.Crying of a child, and especially pissed off. It is important not to get lost, even if it happens in a crowded place for the tenth time. Control emotions, be calm (at least outwardly): this is the first step towards calming your baby.
2. You need to help your child calm down.Be gentle to the child, hug him. It is better to sit down so that your faces are on the same level: this way the explanations will be better perceived. While calming the child, stroke him on the head, hold his hand, flexing his fingers. This will leave bad emotions behind.
3. You need to sympathize.Even if your child is still tiny, it is important to voice his feelings. He will understand that his mother is not indifferent to his problem, she understands everything and deeply sympathizes. Say several times: "You are upset, my little one, I understand you ...".
4. “You can't” suddenly becomes “you can”.This little secret will help prevent resentment and tantrums. Yes, you can't eat ice cream because it's winter, but you can eat a piece of delicious pie and juice. Yes, you can't take your mother's phone yourself, but you can play with it with your mother. To summarize: an unconditional "no" causes resentment, and a partial one - not such a negative emotion.

Games for touchy children

“Council. It is important for parents to help their child to comprehend his own world, to realize his advantages and disadvantages. This will strengthen the child's inner self-awareness and there will be no room for resentment. "

How to deal with a resentful child

1. Try to show your friendliness to the child more often so that he does not have to remind him of it in different ways.
2. If your child is offended that others are being praised in his presence, explain to him that everyone who deserves it needs approval and praise.
3. Build a relationship with your child on a partner basis, explaining that everyone has their own intentions.
4. Work with the emotional sphere of the child, tempering it and teaching how to perceive this or that situation and react to it.
5. Pick up useful books and cartoons, on the basis of which you can easily explain to your child the reasons for resentment and successful exits of the characters from different situations.
6. Communicate with your child more often, explaining to him which grievances are adequate and which are not.
7. There is no need to blame the child for his touchiness. It is impossible to prohibit being offended, but you can only develop the correct educational strategy for mitigating this feature.
8. Make sure that the child does not accumulate resentment, but shares his feelings. Learn to respond correctly to offensive situations.
9. Do not compare your child with other children and do not point out their superiority in something.
10. Try to understand the reasons for the child's over-resentment.

Note to the parent of a resentful child

• Show interest in your child's inner life.
• Teach your child to speak out loud about their thoughts and desires.
• When expressing your requirements, be more specific.
• Teach your child to put himself in the shoes of another.
• Explain to your child that the actions of people around are varied; let him realize it and accept it.
• Develop and strengthen the child's opinion of himself, increase his self-esteem.
• Teach your child to look at many things with humor.
• Talk to your child about grievances, look for ways to overcome them.

a video in which a psychologist examines the causes and consequences of teens' resentment

Be attentive to the inner world of your child, respect his opinion, accept and love as he is. This attitude will help bring up an emotionally balanced and optimistic child who is able to cope with problems on his own.