There is no love without affection, but not all affection is a sign of love. How to get rid of attachment to a person if, besides her, no feelings remain any more?

Affection for inanimate   an object or phenomenon of the world (things, home, habits) is recognized as such. If a person says: “This is my favorite jacket”, and he and others will understand that it is not love that is meant, but affection.

Much more difficult, and sometimes just impossible to distinguish love on your own   to man   from attachment to him. Unless attachment to another individual is a symptom of a mental disorder (for example, Adele’s syndrome), it is difficult to find the sign by which it becomes clear that the attachment has become excessive.

It is even more difficult to get rid of attachment. Even realizing that relations cannot be called love in any way, and it would have been worthwhile to break the “vicious circle” for a long time, this is not easy. When a person is attached, as if something is holding him against his will.

How often people confuse love and love addiction! You can live for years in error, and once waking up to understand that all this time there was a stranger nearby, but who became a “drug” without which it is impossible to live.

Strong love affection is like any other addictions(from alcohol, nicotine, gambling and computer games, etc.). Another person becomes an object of dependence, because it is a source of pleasure, satisfies needs, promotes an illusory sense of well-being, harmony, happiness, or is simply a habit without which it is difficult to imagine existence. The presence of a loved one near becomes the “dose" that is needed daily.

When in the mind there is an idea that without a person life will lose its meaning, and the understanding that sooner or later it will still have to part with it, is absent or denied, a painful attachment is on the face.

People are always attached to relatives, loved ones and loved ones. If love did not have affection, perhaps there would be no institution of the family, a man and a woman would not consider it necessary to remain faithful to each other, mothers would not care about children.

Nature herself decreed that people would become accustomed and attached to each other. Everything is not too romantic and even quite prosaic - a person needs to have a connection with his own kind in order to survive and continue the human race.

Everyone wants to be loved so that there is someone nearby who understands, holds, helps, comforts and who can also give their love.

In the human body there is a hormone responsible for tender affection - oxytocin. He is called one of the hormones of calm love. This hormone is the most important element in the formation of the initial mother-child relationship in a woman immediately after birth.

Scientists argue that without oxytocin, a man and a woman would terminate the relationship immediately after the first stage of the relationship (the stage of violent love and passion) passed, and the child who was born during this period of time turned out to be useless to anyone.

So, attachment to a person is worth considering in two faces:

• attachment as an integral part of love,
• attachment as a painful addiction.

The difference between affection and love

Painful attachment can be described as “symbiosis." Symbiosis   - a form of relationship in which one partner or both benefit from each other.

Wanting to be constantly with a partner and doing everything in order to become one with him, the dependent partner forgets about himself.

Being too attached to someone, an adult loses his personality. Each partner has to have personal space and freedom of action (but not growing into permissiveness). This is useful not only for the individual, but also for relationships. “Merging” with a partner, you can stop being an interesting person for him, thereby depriving the relationship of development and condemning them to death.

Unlike love affection for a partnerbeing a dependency characterized by:

• obsessive thoughts and the desire to be with your beloved all the time;
• passion only for the external data of the partner and physical attraction to him;
• inconstancy of interest (a person is either very interesting or almost indifferent);
• the sudden occurrence of an acute sensation of lack of a loved one nearby;
• the occurrence of obstacles to personal development and growth due to loss of interest in anything other than the identity of the partner;
• an obstacle to the emergence of positive feelings for other people;
• a significant narrowing of the circle of friends;
• acute experience of separation, leading to a depressive state;
• quarrels for quarrels, and not for the sake of finding compromises and finding a constructive solution to problems;
• the absence or difficulty of making plans for the future;
• focus on meeting their own needs and requirements.

If all thoughts, actions, interests are connected with a loved one, and actions performed "in the name of love" harm the rest of the life, we can talk about deep symbiotic attachment.

It should be noted that at the beginning of the relationship (during the candy-bouquet period), the state of fixation on a person is normal and necessary for a healthy attachment to him. The only difference is that a loving person "embeds" personal relationships in his life, and painfully attached, replaces it with them.

If you are not lucky enough to attach to the wrong person, we recommend reading the book by I. Korchagina “Forget it in 8 days!” How to get rid of attachment to the wrong man and find happiness ”and“ How to survive unhappy love ”

Fighting Affection

It is not easy to free oneself from attachment to a person, just like from any other addiction. Most likely, it will be difficult and painful, and thoughts about returning to the previous model of behavior will not give rest.

It is sometimes difficult to throw away old broken furniture, let alone talk about weakening communication with a person. If this connection only brings harm and pain, it is better to break off the relationship altogether. But if the relationship is perfect, you only need to adjust your behavior and change your mindset.

With the problem of painful attachment to a loved one, they often turn to psychologists. An experienced specialist will help to understand the problem and contribute to its resolution. You can also try to get rid of attachment to a person yourself.

Tasksthat you need to set yourself:

• become an independent, full-fledged person;
• to be in a relationship not because "I cannot live without him," but because "I love him."

Psychologists recommend   adhere to this procedure:

1. Identifythat attachment is a painful addiction, not just a component of love. This can be done based on knowledge of the signs of affection.
2. To find outthat is the object of dependence. What is in a loved one or what aspect of the relationship with him is that “drug” without which it is impossible to live? We'll have to start slowly limiting ourselves in this. This way you can reduce not only addiction, but also prevent manipulation by the partner. The main thing is not to rush.
3. Find fear, which makes you "cling" to a person. Answer the question: “Why am I so afraid of losing it?” and work with this fear.
4. To realizethat everything in the world comes, there is nothing eternal and unchanging. Man comes into the world alone and also leaves. You cannot attach a person to yourself, you can only love a person, respecting independence.
5. To work   over inner freedom. Free oneself from shackling fears, stereotypes, self-doubt, reveal the boundaries of opportunities, abilities, choice of actions.

As a rule, all the benefits that, in the literal and figurative sense, give a loved one, you can:

• find in yourself or learn to create yourself;
• receive from another person, object, activity, and so on.

But the addict does not see such opportunities, believes that only this partner is a source of wealth, and therefore is afraid of losing it.

Such a good, which is seen as vital as air, is usually itself love   another man. That is why people who do not love themselves and who believe that no one else loves them, become very attached to the first person who falls in love with them or at least talks about love.

If you always look for the source of happiness in the outside world, including in another person, there will always be attachment and fear of loss. Happiness   - This is a state of mind, it is inside, not outside. Only such an internal feeling of happiness is enduring, does not cause addiction, gives freedom, harmony, peace and opens the way to disinterested love.

To realize the simple truth, which is formulated in a short sentence: "Your freedom ends where someone else begins."
As soon as you feel affection, immediately repeat it like a mantra. Put yourself in the place of the person to whom you are attached. What will you feel when you find out that some person with psychological characteristics is attached to you? At a minimum, this causes anxiety and, as a consequence, rejection.
The tendency to “attachment” is within you, and it is related to your psychological characteristics. For example, with low self-esteem. You already intuitively understand what exactly you need to change. This is a very good sign. So it is. You are alone, and in your life the main person is not your potential partner, but you. It is with yourself that you should be fine. What to do? Learning to be alone with yourself. How to do it? There is a good illustration:

Inside each person there is a “black hole”. This is a depressing feeling of emptiness. An unpleasant, sticky sensation that every person is trying to get rid of. Why does this seem bad to us? Most often, a similar sensation occurs in adolescents and young people and lasts a lifetime. The fact is that children do not. Children by nature are researchers and their innate curiosity makes them engage in all, at first glance, nonsense. In fact, children are constantly employed - they get the most important information about the world from their own experience. Naturally, everyday experience is completely exhaustible and at one fine moment people get bored. And the "black hole" begins to grow. Then, most often, adolescents become interested in representatives of the opposite (optional) sex. And just at this moment, the “black hole” decreases again, because the person again begins to receive a new experience of close interaction with another person. This is an extremely important element of socialization. I will not describe what happens at the time of the break, but it is obvious that after, the void again fills all the insides. This experience is incredibly tragic and negative. A man strives with all his might not to test him anymore and the brain forms approximately the following setting:   I do not want to be alone, loneliness is unbearable, you need to become attached to a person, this is the only way. Something like this sometimes happens.
So what to do?
First, we must admit that the existence of a "black hole" inside is a completely normal phenomenon. Yes, you need to understand that this is absolutely ultra-normal and natural.
Second, love your black hole. Stay with her for a while, do not run away and do not be afraid of her. She is part of you and she is your friend. Stop denying it, try experimenting with this state.
Third, after you have accepted and realized that this happens to every person. Do something, start developing, look for your calling, and don't just sit out your pants at the university. Look for a common language with you, get a new experience, learn languages, find what you love. ( Take care of science.).
Fourth, come to terms with the fact that the feeling of emptiness will be with you forever. Sometimes it will wake up and bring you discomfort, but you already know that it is not your enemy. Therefore, the period of denial will be short and you will do something interesting again. As a bonus, new relationships should no longer cause fear that they will end, because you have just embarked on the path of independence and self-sufficiency.

The text is not written by a psychologist, in particular from my own experience, but taking into account some generalizations that are true for all people. This must be taken into account. In the second paragraph, I somewhat expanded the ideas that I personally adhere to, because, as I believe, they are closely related to the original question. Hope this will be helpful.

Hello everybody! My friends and I started a heated debate about how to build relationships with a man. Among them, for some reason, there is an opinion that, if, figuratively speaking, putting him on a pedestal and from all sides appeasing, devoting his life to him and his children, his beloved will never leave this idyll. Numerous examples of directly opposite situations do not convince. Well, I’ll try once again to logically and consistently state how to not become attached to a man and be happy in family life.

Do not make yourself an idol

We have already talked a lot about the psychology of relationships, including how it differs and why a person is happier and more successful in a relationship. Now we will analyze in more detail why it is impossible to become strongly attached to a man.

• You can smother with your love. When the chosen one is poured too much love, attention and care, he becomes not comfortable. More precisely, at first he may be pleased, but very quickly bored. He is not a baby who needs constant mother's care, he is a free man. And if a beloved has already erected an altar and placed her hero there, then freedom becomes somehow not enough.
• You can become too addicted. Nothing lasts forever in this world, so never put all your eggs in one basket. If your whole life is concentrated in serving your beloved husband, then what will happen to you in a situation when he suddenly ceases to be around? And there are many such situations - from an accident to a breakup. Will you have where to work and live, with whom to talk and what to think about if the idol is somewhere to go?
• You can become a burden to him. A friend of mine once said about a girl who was in love with him: “I know that she wants to be with me. And I even like her. But I can not. You see, Anya, she’s like a pile of stones, which just overwhelmed me. I don’t need one! ”
• You can become too jealous. Being attached to a man, needing him like in the air, you will demand more and more attention from him. And all the time that he does not spend with you, you will consider stolen from you. You have been waiting for him all day, but he dared to go with his friends! Or - horror - to mom!
• You can stop being desired. A woman must be conquered, this is recorded in men on the subcortex. And when a woman, like her favorite worn slippers, is always available, her attitude changes. She is no longer an object of desire, but a household item. Do you need it?

Become the perfect partner

So how to learn to behave correctly? What to do in a relationship reigning peace and? Here are some suggestions:

• Be financially independent. You must have your own source of income. Even if you live together happily ever after and die in one day, and this source is not useful for independent survival, it will always remind you of freedom of choice. Your man will always know that you remain with him because you yourself want it, and not because otherwise you will die of hunger.
• Work, hobbies and friends should not only be shared. And what will remain for you in case of a break? Bagel hole?
• Learn constantly. No, I do not urge you to get three higher educations and a doctorate (although this is also probably not bad). But to develop, to learn something new in different industries, from cooking and interior design to the latest developments in nuclear physics and genetic engineering, it is simply necessary not to turn into a whore, whose whole world comes down to series, manicure, knitting blouses, cooking borsch and meeting her husband from work in a starched apron.

To become free - and therefore necessary

In Lewis Carroll's brilliant book “Alice through the Looking Glass”, the Queen says to Alice: “... you have to run as fast just to stay in the same place! If you want to get to another place, then you need to run at least twice as fast! ”

So, just to remain an interesting woman, and not just an application to your husband and a stove, you need to constantly “pump” yourself both physically, mentally, spiritually, and socially. This will help to avoid becoming slurred and uninteresting gray biomass. In order not just to stay, but to become better, you need to put a lot more effort.

Take care of your body, go to exhibitions and to the theater, read books, and fiction, and specialized. If you can’t learn from books, take courses in-person or virtually. For example, the project Universarium   It offers a huge number of free courses and open lectures - from astronomy and chemistry to philology and cooking.

And only after becoming free, independent and interesting to yourself and others, you have a chance to be near the man of your dreams. Precisely because he wants to be with you, and not you hang on him and do not give a step to step on him.

Happiness and good luck in your personal life! Subscribe to updates and be sure to share useful publications with your friends!

Love and love

How to get rid of attachment to a man?

Attachment to a man is a complex and multifaceted thing. She makes a woman treat her partner with great attention and often forget about herself. Such girls sacrifice themselves, not even thinking that they are humiliated and suffer various inconveniences. To become happy, you need to find the strength in yourself to get rid of exhausting attachment. Otherwise, the woman runs the risk of losing self-esteem and the man who is next to her. How to get rid of attachment to a man? There are several important ways. Let's try to figure it out.

How to get rid of attachment to a man: ways

Personality development

A self-confident woman is not only successful. She is generally not inclined to become strongly attached to anyone and especially to a man. The man is so arranged that he is interested in setting a goal and striving to achieve it. He feels the need to achieve the chosen one, gradually conquer her. Otherwise, he loses interest and switches to another, brighter object.

The development of her own personality allows a woman to remain interesting and in demand throughout the entire time when an interaction with a man occurs. The man, in turn, admires the inaccessibility of the girl and does everything so that she draws attention to him. How to develop your own self-sufficiency? First of all, give up the thought of feeling sorry for yourself. No need to constantly demonstrate to others and especially men how much you suffer. If you are interested in a specific person to whom you have a strong attachment, first step back a little, find something of your own, some interesting activity or hobby. Be inimitable, bright and courageous. Do not allow such attachment to develop into addiction.

Find hobbies

Each person is interested in something, something especially captivates him. Do not be like those people who have limited their cramped little world to ordinary things and shun everything new. So you can not feel the real taste for life. You can get rid of oppressive attachment only when you yourself determine the boundaries of your interests. Who knows if you will need that same person later. Suffering for someone is the most thankless task. Already if only because men do not appreciate and do not notice those who run after them.

Independent character

You can get rid of attachment if you strictly follow a word given to yourself. You must promise yourself that no man will ever make you suffer and humiliate yourself. There is nothing worse than when a woman does not realize how unworthy her behavior is. Do not become a miserable slave in a relationship. Do not offer yourself, do not insist when you do not want to know. Independence in character is formed through fruitful work on oneself. At first it will be difficult, but you need to try to fight affection. Work hard - you help yourself. An independent woman is always self-sufficient and beautiful. So why not start devoting a certain amount of time to your appearance every day?

Any strong attachment can destroy the individual, interfere with the integral development of the individual. When a woman does not love herself, others will not appreciate her: neither relatives, nor friends, nor colleagues.

Determine why you think you have attachment problems.   Perhaps you used to have a clear belief or belief that you abandoned? Do you still want to restore relations with a person who has abandoned you or has ceased to care about you? Are there things in your life that you allow you to define yourself? Or have you experienced a great personal loss or tragedy?

Do not create unhealthy attachments.   It is always better to cultivate new beliefs and build friendships gradually. Do not waste all your energy, devote absolutely all emotions to a new person or belief; Go slowly to avoid disappointment.

Learn to deal with specific problems associated with attachment.   Such problems can interfere with your life progress. You need to cope with them in order to let in your life renewal and continue to grow. Below you can read about the most common attachments that interfere with people in life:

• Change of belief. Perhaps once you understood the reason or considered yourself a supporter of something that you now recall with dislike or disgust. The beliefs you had before are just the beliefs you once had, nothing more. You should focus on ensuring that your current beliefs are morally sound, rather than wasting extra energy on worrying about your past thoughts. If your past beliefs were especially vicious, you should try to purify yourself by helping those you offended.
• Relations with indifferent or problem people. You need to get rid of them. Realize that all the feelings of mutual friendship or love that you felt for this person had rather shaky grounds. This does not mean that you did not have pleasant moments with this person, but it does mean that you should set aside this whole situation until the second person realizes what he was doing wrong. (Important: This does not apply to domestic violence or violent relationships. Seek protection, psychological counseling, and legal assistance in such situations.)
• Attachment to things. Many people allow property to define ourselves and, ultimately, what we own can hold us back. If you cannot move away from clutter, you cannot change your life style for fear of not being able to place all the treasures that you have acquired, it's time to change. Getting rid of attachment to things frees you for a purposeful life, and does not return to the imaginary comfort of your property.
• Personal tragedy or loss. You could survive a tragic experience in life, and you can cling to the past and blame yourself. Grief is a natural part of life, but it’s not worth staying for a long time. Remember that there is only one time - the present. Clinging to the past, you allow the present to flow away and close your future. If you are not careful, it is very easy to start blaming yourself and refusing to move on. There are many other people who need your encouragement and love, and just because it was too late to change your situation, you should not deprive yourself of the joy of helping others in a similar situation.