Disagreements between parents in raising a child. A friendly family will turn the mountain, or how to overcome differences in raising a child. Senior adolescence

Each of the spouses was brought up by their parents differently, therefore the principles and methods of raising a child in each family are completely different. That is why it is sometimes difficult for young parents to agree on the issues of raising their own baby. On this basis, disagreements often arise, which is very harmful to the very little one. To avoid such disagreements, it is necessary to find a compromise and learn to cooperate with each other.

In the first weeks and months of a child's life, parents caress him with affection, hold him in their arms for a long time and spend all their free time with the baby. But when the child grows up and begins to show his character, this is where the parents begin to have discrepancies in matters of upbringing. In some families, there are real conflicts about this. With age, a child begins to understand that mom can allow what dad forbids and vice versa and uses it. In the presence of one of the parents, the baby can afford a real tantrum in order to achieve the desired result (for example, in a store or on a walk).

Unfortunately, very often one can observe a situation when a child simply demands him to buy something or go somewhere. At the same time, he cries, stomps his feet and even falls to the floor. Parents react to this behavior in different ways. Usually many mothers try to divert the child's attention to something else or to persuade him. But most dads either fulfill children's whims so that the baby calms down faster, or they begin to formally educate them right on the spot (with threats of being punished at home). But it is much more scary when a child behaves like this in the presence of both parents and their tactics of reacting to such behavior of the baby are exactly the opposite. Such a kid can make a good manipulator.

The upbringing of a child's full-fledged personality and the formation of his inner world directly depends on the uniform and agreed requirements of the parents. The kid will not be able to understand what is bad and what is good if the parents act differently in matters of education. These children usually feel uncertain and even anxious. In some situations, they cannot understand how to act correctly. Making a decision on his own, the child is worried that one of the parents will punish or scold him. This can lead to the fact that the child begins to cheat, deceive, please the adult.

It is even more dangerous when parents openly begin to argue and sort things out about the child's behavior. Such family conflicts lead to nervous disorders in children, and later on more serious problems associated with constant fears and even depression.

Reasons for disagreement

There are two main reasons that prevent parents from finding a common line of behavior regarding the upbringing of their baby. The first reason is the parenting methods that were applied to them in their families as children. After all, the behavior of parents towards children leaves its lasting imprint and is carried over to the next generation, on their own children. And the second reason is the different, and sometimes opposite, characters of mom and dad. Dad, for example, with a strong character, brought up in strict discipline and severity, and mom is kind, gentle, able to forgive and pamper.

The personal characteristics of the character of two adults cannot be altered and changed. In such families, common sense should prevail, which will help parents to come to an agreement with each other and develop their own upbringing methods that will suit all family members. It is imperative to listen to the opinion of both spouses and try to come to a mutual decision.

Parents with different views on life just need to learn to negotiate. Moreover, this will have to be done constantly, throughout life, without hysterics and conflicts. Moms and dads should remember that each child copies the parent's behavior model and will transfer this model to his family in the future. Therefore, the baby should see an example of adults who can talk calmly, without raised tones. On the example of parents, children will learn to come to an understanding, will take into account the opinion of the second half and respect each other.

Constantly talk to each other heart to heart, do not accumulate resentment and misunderstanding.
Discuss parenting issues not on the go and in a bad mood, but in a calm atmosphere and in a balanced state. Leave all your business and devote 15-20 minutes a day to this conversation.
Never sort things out with each other when you are irritated or agitated. Try to calm down first.
Perceive your spouse (or spouse) as an independent person with their own principles and beliefs, and not as an enemy or enemy. A different point of view is not in spite of each other, but simply a different upbringing.
Even if the husband and wife think differently, which often happens, this does not prevent them from respecting each other and trying to take into account the opinions of both.
There is no need to argue about the process and methods of upbringing with a child. The kid should feel the unity and cohesion of the parents. The parental authority of both adults is very important to him.
Never blame each other for mistakes and mistakes in raising a child. Such behavior of one of the spouses will only exacerbate the situation and will inevitably end in conflict.
The situation can be easily exacerbated by involving grandparents, friends, and girlfriends in arguments. Solve your problems together, do not involve "helpers", even the closest ones and relatives.
Always raise your child together. Mom and Dad should have their responsibilities towards the child, starting from the first days of the baby's life. Do not create conditions for one of the parents to withdraw from the upbringing process.

New products on the 2-year-old's menu

By the age of 2, the child is familiar with almost all products. The difference is that their portions and cooking methods change. If earlier almost all products were chopped for the convenience of the baby, now there are dishes with pieces of meat, coarsely chopped vegetables and fruits. Brand new and healthy foods on the children's table - lamb and animal liver.

The problem of different approaches to parenting for dad and mom is not so rare. The emergence of disagreements on some issues fits into the norm. But how not to turn them into a real confrontation and - most importantly - not to harm the child?

What are the reasons for parental disagreements?

Let's say right away that spouses have different approaches to upbringing all the time. They usually arise from copying or, conversely, denying the parenting style that was applied to parents in their own childhood. As we grow up, some of us try to fully adopt the family model. And someone, having received a traumatic experience, chooses a strategy of sharp difference from past values. Sometimes on both sides of the barricades there are just the same newly-made mom and dad.

Although often the reason for disagreement in the upbringing system is a banal difference of characters. While the pedantic and disciplined father demands unquestioning obedience, the softer mother takes on the role of the child's friend, allowing him to play the fool and be capricious. This is just one of the possible models, but you must admit that you have at least once observed the described situation in the house of your relatives or friends.

The consequences of disagreement for the child

If the disagreements are moderate and do not develop into a full-fledged conflict, you can see their positive impact on the child: from childhood he learns to adjust in communication with by different people and becomes more flexible in terms of communication.

However, if parental skirmishes often take place in front of the child, the situation becomes dangerous. Firstly, the baby's level of anxiety may increase due to constant expectation and uncertainty - can he act this way or not, will he be punished for this act or is it permissible? Secondly, conflicts in and of themselves escalate the tension in the home and upset the child.

In addition, the inconsistency of parenting decisions develops a child's tendency to be manipulative and cunning. Learning to play on the disagreements between mom and dad, the child will be able to run for help to the "kind" parent, so that they feel sorry for him and cancel the punishment. At the same time, the punishment itself, even if it was fair, will not be understandable for the baby and will not bring any educational benefit. The main and saddest result is the undermining of parental authority in the eyes of the baby.

How to find a compromise?

First of all, parents who have different sides need to sit down at the negotiating table and develop a unified parenting style. This search for the golden mean should be carried out together, without involving relatives, otherwise disagreements may become even greater. At the same time, do not bend your line, but try to understand your spouse, delve into his views - perhaps they are not so unfounded. The desired goal is to accept general rules for communication with the child, which he should not violate.

Also agree that you will resolve new conflicts based on different views on education calmly and not in front of the baby. Arranging a skirmish in plain sight is simply unacceptable. It is worth remembering that if a child grows up on your arguments, sooner or later he will also begin to resist you, since such a behavior model will seem normal to him.

In every possible way, avoid statements that can undermine the authority of your other half in the eyes of the child. “You spoil him, because of you he grows disobedient”, “These are all the fruits of your upbringing” - these words grow in the child a sense of guilt and the desire to object to one of the parents.

If you and your spouse are struggling to come to a consensus, don't be afraid to use outside help. Sometimes just books and magazines on pedagogy and child psychology are enough. If the situation really seems to you a dead end, it can be resolved by consulting a family therapist who specializes in resolving such conflicts.

If you and your husband have different views on parenting, how can you raise a child together? After all, all your disagreements with your husband in raising a child are reflected in him ...While parents argue to the point of hoarseness, deciding where to put a comma in the phrase "Punish can not be praised," their child does not know how to please both of them.

How to agree among themselves on the strategy of education? And is it possible?

Two sides of one life

It is easy to see that man and woman often disagree on most important issues. For upbringing, this is not a minus, but a plus, because different views of the parents help the child to form a more complete picture of the world. But for this, adults need not to quarrel, but to appreciate each other's unique roles, which are laid down by nature in a woman-mother and a man-father.

From the mother, the child adopts the ability to express emotions - love, anxiety, care, empathy. She also instills in him tact and diplomacy, allowing him to negotiate even with very aggressive people. And the father shows the child how to cope with his feelings, take responsibility and make decisions in case of danger.

If a child falls and cries, mom should feel sorry for him, and dad should advise how to minimize losses. But often, instead of getting help from both sides, the baby is caught in the crossfire. “Have pity on the child! Can't you see that he is crying? " - Mom is indignant. "It's okay, he'll heal before the wedding!" - parries the father.

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child are a difference in reactions to the same event, you need to give your child the opportunity to receive double support, and not be a reason for your quarrel.

Another important role for the father is to take a critical look at the actions of the baby. While mom admires the blue hippo bear on baby drawing, Pope lists the shortcomings that prevent this canvas from claiming the title of a masterpiece.

This way, the child maintains a high level of self-esteem, and at the same time learns to calmly respond to criticism.

A very common female mistake is the desire to protect the child from ... the father. Is it possible to entrust a husband to take a baby in his arms, let alone ransom him? How to send a five-year-old son with dad on a fishing trip? .. As a result, the father not only does not receive the necessary experience in handling the child, but also moves away from him emotionally, perceiving the heir as part of his wife, and not as his own continuation.

Moreover, he assigns all responsibility for his wife and subsequently blames her for inevitable mistakes. Do not justify your pedagogical guidelines with an all-powerful maternal instinct. Give your husband the opportunity to realize his father's.

Disagreements with the husband in raising a child and ways of getting closer

Despite the difference in approaches, there are fundamentally important issues in upbringing, in which parents simply need to coincide in opinions. Otherwise, the child will quickly learn to manipulate adults by playing on the contradictions between them.

Talk to your husband about the child’s tricks to find out which of them he considers serious and which are permissible. Men are much more likely than women to forgive children for aggressive behavior and risky behavior - climbing trees or jumping over fences.

Having approved a kind of list of "crimes", you and your husband will less often disagree, reprimanding the child for some kind of offense.

Sometimes you really want to spank a baby ... But psychologists and educators are unanimous: physical punishment does not bring up anything in a child except for reciprocal hostility and fear. If your husband is heavy on his hand, show him statistics and scientific articles, converged on the experience of relatives or neighbors, so that he understands that refusing to spanks is a necessity, not softness.

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - agree to help each other in those moments when either of you has poor control over your anger. Try to use the same punishments. It is better that there are no more than 2-3 of them, and it is desirable that they be associated with the deprivation of the child of children's "values" - sweet, cartoons, games on the tablet.

At the same time, try not to deviate from your requirements, otherwise the baby will know that mom or dad can somehow be pityed and avoided punishment.

If the husband thinks that his daughter should wash the dishes from the very day she started reaching the sink ("Otherwise, she will grow up to be a bad housewife!"), You are unlikely to convince him. It is better to ask him to buy dollware - let the girl train.

Many men make excessive demands on their children, claiming that their parents did the same. At such moments, it is tempting to say something caustic about the pedagogical talents of the mother-in-law. Do not even think about it! So you will move from education issues to mutual insults. Better help your husband to take an objective look at the baby.

Give an example of some respected relative of your spouse: “Our Temka is so similar to Dmitry Petrovich! I think you are worried in vain: what you consider to be the minuses of a child are the very genes that helped Dmitry Petrovich to achieve success! "

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - how to feed the baby, how to dress in hot and cold weather, how to protect from injury? These questions are of concern to all parents. But learning about how a child reacts to a particular food and weather can only be done by trial and error. And no one is immune from falls and bruises.

Don't blame each other if any of you make a mistake. Try to take what happened as an invaluable experience that will help you avoid more serious problems.

Problems of raising children in a family - this is an eternal, but still unresolved topic. This question occupies the minds of scientists - teachers, psychologists, causing disputes and disagreements. Domestic battles develop into scientific conferences. Austerity or softness? Authoritarianism or connivance? There is no shortage of supporters of one or another type of education.

And children continue to wonder how they should behave in order to be good in the eyes of their parents, and what to expect in the next moment from these incomprehensible adults?

Let's see how advances in science can help in solving such problems.

In pedagogy, it is customary to distinguish four types of parenting: diktat, overprotection, non-interference and cooperation. Each of them has its own results, and its consequences when it comes to the formation of the child's personality.

Dictate -

it is a systematic suppression by some family members (mainly adults or older children imitating them) of the initiative and self-esteem of other family members. Parents' adherence to such pedagogical tactics often results in the development of a strong reaction of resistance in the child, if by nature he is inclined to leadership. Or the result of such an upbringing process is increased anxiety, suspiciousness, a tendency to fear and self-doubt, if the seeds of diktat lay on the soil of the child's vulnerable, unstable personality.

Hyper-care -

it is a system of relations in the family, in which parents, ensuring with their work the satisfaction of all the needs of the child, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon themselves. The result in this case is easily predictable - an emotionally immature, capricious, egocentric, demanding personality is formed, unadapted to life. On the other hand, overprotection can contribute to the development of hypochondriacal tendencies. Tied up from childhood by excessive care, the child himself begins to feel powerless in any situation that requires him to act or make a decision. It also happens the other way around: approaching adolescence, the child feels the need to get rid of excessive care, which ultimately leads to rebellion, vivid manifestations of emancipation and protest behavior.

Non-interference -

it is a system of relationships in the family based on the recognition of the expediency of independent existence of adults and children. The child is left to himself. Parents who rely on this style of upbringing believe that it contributes to the development of independence, responsibility, and the accumulation of experience. Making mistakes, the child is forced to analyze and correct them himself. But this method is sinful of the likelihood of developing emotional alienation in the baby, including from parents. Unfinished in childhood, who did not receive the necessary share of parental care, such a child feels too lonely, distrustful, often overly suspicious. It is difficult for him to entrust any business to other people. He tries to do everything himself.

Cooperation -

it is a way of building relationships in the family, the main principle of which is the unification of common goals and objectives, joint activities, mutual support in all spheres, including emotional. The starting point of education in this case is the word "we". The child has enough independence, but there is always an adult nearby, ready to come to the rescue, support, explain, calm down in time. The members of such families share common values, family traditions, spontaneous holidays, emotional need for each other, joint activities.

"Cooperation" is recognized as the most effective type of education all big amount psychologists and educators. But in practice, families tend to face different styles upbringing, creating tension and adversely affecting the development of the child. Why is this happening?

What are the reasons for parental disagreements?

There can be many reasons for differences in the upbringing of a child in a family. First of all, the reason for this may be differences in the educational experience of parents, their assimilation in their own childhood: some parents completely copy the model of upbringing that was adopted in their family. Others, on the contrary, disagreeing with parental measures of upbringing that were applied to them in childhood, try to find another way in relation to their own child and go beyond the framework of the tradition of upbringing adopted in their family. Very often, parents, who were heavily pressured in childhood, act in this way. Trying to compensate for their own suffering, they allow their children too much, so children of such parents do not know any prohibitions or restrictions, which often leads to the development of irresponsibility and selfishness.

Differences in the characters of the parents can act as another serious obstacle to choosing the optimal parenting style. While the pedantic, paying attention to trifles, prone to anger, the father requires unquestioning obedience and immediate execution of orders, the softer mother, on the contrary, indulges all the weaknesses and whims of the child.

This state of affairs angers the father even more, and is aggravated. Why? The father, watching the conspiracy between the mother and the child, feels unnecessary. By the way, as a rule, behind the mask of such a “despot” there is a vulnerable nature with low self-esteem, which requires attention and understanding no less than a child. The roots of this behavior of an adult go back to the desire to protect their children from their own mistakes, difficult experiences.

Having endured humiliation, ridicule and failure in childhood, parents want to see their children as strong, inflexible personalities and therefore bring them up in "Spartan" conditions. Not taught to love in childhood, without reliable support, they do not understand that becoming a strong personality is possible only when there is a feeling that people close to you understand and approve of you.

The consequences of disagreement for the child?

Disagreements in the upbringing of a child often signal the presence of disharmonious relations between family members. In this case, he becomes a hostage to parental conflicts. As a result, it is the baby who gets the most unsightly role: he is forced to choose how to behave in an initially contradictory situation, and to choose between the mother and father, whom he loves equally.

One of the most important needs of a child is to be loved and good in the eyes of those close to him. How often do children ask this question: "Am I good?" or proudly state: "I am a good boy!" This is very important for them, and often the behavior of children is motivated precisely by this need. What should a child who wants to be good for both his beloved mother and beloved dad do, and then grandparents armed themselves with their pedagogical principles? It is difficult for a child not only to choose a line of behavior, but in general to choose between his favorite adults.

For him, this is an almost impossible choice, and he is forced to cunning and adapt to everyone, depending on their expectations. So already from infancy, parents force the baby to comprehend the subtle art of manipulation. It is difficult for a child raised in a contradictory environment to develop his own moral and ethical attitudes, principles and beliefs, which does not at all contribute to the harmonious and holistic development of the individual.

Against the background of such disagreement in the family, the baby may begin all sorts of neurotic manifestations - enuresis, etc. A child can be elementarily scared when parents quarrel about his upbringing. Often, accusations like “here, look, this is all your upbringing” is expressed by parents right in front of the child. He may think that it is he himself who is to blame for their quarrel, and feeling his guilt, he is doomed to rank himself as "bad" and begin to behave even worse.

How and where to find a way out?

What should parents do in order not to bring their own child to such a state?

Firstly, rather than waging useless bloody wars, defending your own style of upbringing, it is more expedient to turn to a specialist, since psychological service today is no longer exotic and the help of a family psychotherapist in modern world available to every family.

Secondly, it is imperative to reconsider your attitude to the problem of education. This is not as difficult as it seems at first glance, because in fact, each parent has a unique, invaluable parenting experience. Parents intuitively feel what their baby needs and how to help him grow. But before indiscriminately practicing these methods on a child, you just need to coordinate them with each other.

Sometimes, due to disputes and their own excessive adherence to principles, the family forgets about easy way conflict resolution - to get together at a large table and just talk calmly. Give everyone the opportunity to express their opinion without interrupting and listening carefully to each other. Let each family member tell you what he wants to see, and in what way he is going to help him in this.

Let everyone listen to themselves, and then share with the rest - are the ideas about the future fate of the child a desire to change their own lives? If so, find the strength to acknowledge that the child is an individual who has a right to his own path, and not a means of correcting the mistakes of the parents. Discuss the difficulties that you faced in childhood, help each other change their attitude towards them, and then you will not have to burden your baby with your problems. During these conversations, it is useful to discuss books on psychology and parenting, articles from magazines, and try to try on new knowledge for your family - all together, so that new parenting models come from joint discussion, and not a quiet one-man decision.

Here are some basic rules that parents should not violate if they are more important not their own principles, but the interests of the child.
1. Never sort things out with a child.
2. Do not allow statements in front of children that can undermine the authority of your other half in his eyes: "You are a bad father, this is because of you ..."
3. Accusatory phrases addressed to a spouse or spouse: "These are the fruits of your upbringing" - can cause a child to feel guilty, contribute to the development of low self-esteem, so it is better to refuse them.
4. If you are very irritated, postpone educational discussions if possible, talk about your feelings and, in seclusion, try to calm down. All negotiations, all decisions should be made only in a balanced state.
5. Better one common line of education than several effective, but contradictory.
6. The negotiating table is the best way to understand each other and develop a common line of education.
7. Pedagogical educational program - books and magazines on pedagogy and psychology - can be a good help when discussing educational methods.
8. Do not be afraid to turn to specialists if your family has problems. Many years of experience and an objective view of a family therapist will help you find unexpected ways out of situations that seem to be dead ends.
9. Remember that the key to effective child rearing is love for him, interest in him and harmony between all family members.

Let's imagine a situation. Everything was confused. The child stands in the middle of the apartment and roars loudly. Mom desperately tries to patiently explain that it is not good to do this. Grandma surreptitiously shoves the candy, and dad, not really delving into what happened, knitted his eyebrows and took hold of the belt. The educational process is hopelessly out of control. The kid is confused. The splashed spot hurts, the candy softens the offense a little, and it's completely incomprehensible what my mother was talking about for so long. Recognizable? What should parents do: how to find a reasonable compromise among different educational principles, achieve results and not harm their own child?

Which line of education to choose?

The problems of raising children in a family is an eternal, but still unresolved issue. This question occupies the minds of scientists - teachers, psychologists, causing disputes and disagreements. Domestic battles develop into scientific conferences. Austerity or softness? Authoritarianism or connivance? There is no shortage of supporters of one or another type of education.

And children continue to wonder how they should behave in order to be good in the eyes of their parents, and what to expect in the next moment from these incomprehensible adults?

Let's see how advances in science can help in solving such problems.

In pedagogy, it is customary to distinguish four types of upbringing of children: diktat, overprotection, non-interference and cooperation. Each of them has its own results, and its consequences when it comes to the formation of the child's personality.

Dictate is a systematic suppression by some family members (mainly adults or older children imitating them) of the initiative and self-esteem of other family members. Parents' adherence to such pedagogical tactics often results in the development of a strong reaction of resistance in the child, if by nature he is inclined to leadership. Or, the result of such an educational process is increased anxiety, suspiciousness, a tendency to fear and self-doubt, if the seeds of diktat lay on the soil of the child's vulnerable, unstable personality.

Hyper-care - This is a system of relations in the family, in which parents, ensuring with their work the satisfaction of all the needs of the child, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon themselves. The result in this case is easily predictable - an emotionally immature, capricious, egocentric, demanding personality is formed, unadapted to life. On the other hand, overprotection can contribute to the development of hypochondriacal tendencies. Tied up from childhood by excessive care, the child himself begins to feel powerless in any situation that requires him to act or make a decision. It also happens the other way around: approaching adolescence, the child feels the need to get rid of excessive care, which ultimately leads to rebellion, vivid manifestations of emancipation and protest behavior.

Non-interference is a system of family relationships based on the recognition of the expediency of independent existence of adults and children. The child is left to himself. Parents who rely on this style of upbringing believe that it contributes to the development of independence, responsibility, and the accumulation of experience. Making mistakes, the child is forced to analyze and correct them himself. But this method is sinful of the likelihood of developing emotional alienation in the baby, including from parents. Unfinished in childhood, not receiving the necessary share of parental care, such a child feels too, distrustful, often too suspicious. It is difficult for him to entrust any business to other people. He tries to do everything himself.

Cooperation - this is a way of building relationships in the family, the main principle of which is the unification of common goals and objectives, joint activities, mutual support in all spheres, including emotional. The starting point of education in this case is the word "we". The child has enough independence, but there is always an adult nearby, ready to come to the rescue, support, explain, calm down in time. Members of such families are united by common values, family traditions, spontaneous holidays, emotional need for each other, joint activities.

“Collaboration” is recognized as the most effective type of education by an increasing number of psychologists and teachers. But in practice, families tend to clash with different parenting styles, creating tension and adversely affecting child development. Why is this happening?

What are the reasons for parental disagreements?

Why is this situation dangerous? It can be resolved in two ways: either lead to an increase in the level of anxiety in the child due to constant tense expectation and uncertainty - whether he will be punished for this act or praised, or to the development of cunning and a tendency to manipulate: the child can learn to play on this disagreement between the mother and the father ... So, every time after clashes with his father, he can come in tears and with complaints to his mother and beg from her as a consolation prize for gifts, sweets and just tokens of attention. The mother, agreeing in this situation that "dad is bad," thereby undermines the father's authority in the eyes of the child. This state of affairs angers the father even more, and the intra-family conflict is aggravated. Why? The father, watching the conspiracy between the mother and the child, feels unnecessary. By the way, as a rule, behind the mask of such a "despot" is hidden a vulnerable nature with low self-esteem, which requires attention and understanding no less than a child. The roots of this behavior of an adult go back to the desire to protect their children from their own mistakes, difficult experiences. Having endured humiliation, ridicule and failure in childhood, parents want to see their children strong, unyielding personalities and therefore bring them up in "Spartan" conditions. Not taught to love in childhood, without reliable support, they do not understand that becoming a strong personality is possible only when there is a feeling that people close to you understand and approve of you.

The consequences of disagreement for the child?

One of the most important needs of a child is to be loved and good in the eyes of those close to him. How often do children ask this question, "Am I good?" or proudly state: "I am a good boy!" This is very important for them, and often the behavior of children is motivated precisely by this need. What should a child who wants to be good for both his beloved mother and beloved dad do, and then grandparents armed themselves with their pedagogical principles? It is difficult for a child not only to choose a line of behavior, but in general to choose between his favorite adults. For him, this is an almost impossible choice, and he is forced to cunning and adapt to everyone, depending on their expectations. So already from infancy, parents force the baby to comprehend the subtle art of manipulation. It is difficult for a child raised in a contradictory environment to develop his own moral and ethical attitudes, principles and beliefs, which does not at all contribute to the harmonious and holistic development of the individual.

Against the background of such disagreement in the family, the baby may begin all sorts of neurotic manifestations - fears, enuresis, outbursts of aggression. A child can be elementarily scared when parents quarrel about his upbringing. Often, accusations such as "here, look, this is all your upbringing" are expressed by parents right in front of the child. He may think that it is he himself who is to blame for their quarrel, and, feeling his guilt, is doomed to classify himself as "bad" and begin to behave even worse.

How and where to find a way out?

What should parents do in order not to bring their own child to such a state?

Sometimes, due to arguments and their own excessive adherence to principles, the family forgets about the simplest way to resolve conflicts - to get together at a large table and just talk calmly. Give everyone the opportunity to express their opinion without interrupting and listening carefully to each other. Let each family member tell how he wants to see the future of his child, and how he is going to help him in this. Let everyone listen to themselves, and then share with the rest - are the ideas about the future fate of the child a desire to change their own lives? If so, find the strength to acknowledge that the child is an individual who has a right to his own path, and not a means of correcting the mistakes of the parents. Discuss the difficulties that you faced in childhood, help each other change their attitude towards them, and then you will not have to burden your baby with your problems. During these conversations, it is useful to discuss books on psychology and parenting, articles from magazines, and try to try on new knowledge for your family - all together, so that new parenting models come from joint discussion, and not a quiet one-man decision.

Here are some basic rules that parents should not violate if they are more important not their own principles, but the interests of the child.

Never sort things out with a child.
Do not allow statements with children that can undermine the authority of your other half in his eyes: "You are a bad father, this is because of you ..."
Accusatory phrases addressed to a spouse or spouse: "These are the fruits of your upbringing" - can cause a feeling of guilt in a child, contribute to the development of low self-esteem, so it is better to refuse them.
If you are very annoyed, postpone educational discussions if possible, talk about your feelings and, in seclusion, try to calm down. All negotiations, all decisions should be made only in a balanced state.
Better one general line of education than several effective, but contradictory.
The negotiating table is the best way to understand each other and develop a common line of education.
Pedagogical educational program - books and magazines on pedagogy and psychology - can be a good help when discussing methods of education.
Do not be afraid to turn to specialists if your family has problems. Many years of experience and an objective view of a family therapist will help you find unexpected ways out of situations that seem to be dead ends.
Remember that the key to effective child upbringing is love for him, interest in him and agreement between all family members.

How to neutralize the educational ardor of grandmothers?

Often, grandmothers are provocateurs of disagreements in the family. Memories of their parental role are perceived by them somewhat idealized, which prompts them to criticize their children - young parents. On the other hand, it can be quite difficult for them to adapt to modern trends - the intensive early education of children, it is difficult to navigate in their games and interests, to accept that the child falls asleep with an electronic puppy "Poochy", and not with a traditional plush rabbit. Of course, you need to listen to the opinion of grandmothers. The warm love of grandmothers for their grandchildren and the warm feelings that it evokes, then sweeps into the heart through all life. But the main role in education should still be played by mom and dad. It is the parents who are responsible for the comprehensive and harmonious development. On their shoulders lies the concern for the mental, physical, aesthetic and moral education child.

If it seems to you that the grandmother's position is categorically contrary to your pedagogical setting, if you see that after communicating with her, the child is capricious, does not obey, it is difficult to "gather" him, to calm him down, then her actions are ineffective and run counter to the parental upbringing strategy therefore harm the child rather than help. In this case, it is better to reduce the influence of the grandmother on the child as much as possible. But this must be done delicately, thoughtfully. What methods can be suggested here?

First, you can refer to what you have now less work, and you can devote more time to the child, and you want to take care of your grandmother, because it is quite possible that soon you will need her help.

Secondly, in a critical case, when the family conflict over education has gone far, a direct, open conversation is necessary, but this is an extreme measure that is best avoided if possible.

In any case, try not to involve a third person as a judge, for example, one of your relatives, otherwise disagreements will snowball, and it will be much more difficult to understand their intricacies. It is better to analyze in which areas the grandmother is really successfully engaged in the child, without conflicting with the parental views on education, and entrust her with this front, and take on other nuances or entrust someone else.

Remember that only together, by common efforts, can you develop the most optimal parenting style. little man... The characters of family members can be arbitrarily different, but they should be united by a common idea - love for children, trust and respect for human dignity, respect for the fragile world of childhood.