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Below is a very good and topical article (judging by mom forums and playgrounds) by Anna Demidova.

It is very important to understand why we beat our children. Indeed, deep down all parents feel that to beat is bad. Why then is it all the same to us - perhaps?

Now I understand everything. I won’t! ” Do we really believe that no one dreamed of avoiding this punishment, this pain and humiliation? Remember how many tears were shed into the pillow, how much anger rose in the heart of a child from injustice and its irreversibility. Of course, this can be experienced. And many survived. But why let your child experience what he himself was most afraid of once? He walked home with a deuce in his diary and ... was afraid.

And if he doesn’t understand differently? This is a very common question and very disturbing. In an attempt to explain something important to our child, we parents seem ready for anything. Our despair of failure by force to solve the problems in communicating with the child is ready to push us to madness. Tell us that the child will understand better in the electric chair, and in despair and with tears we will put him there and we will believe that, however, he will understand better.

Or not? Or is there something that will stop us? I myself often asked this question. Am I ready to admit that my child really doesn’t understand me now? Am I ready to accept what he does not understand? To accept, not to press and leave as it is, without condemning it? Do I understand that my child is still good, even if he does not hear me on an important (by the way, important for me) issue?

I began to remember myself in childhood, how my understanding worked, how the moments came in which I suddenly realized what my parents or teachers had been explaining to me for a long time. Any understanding does not come immediately, but as we are ready for it. Often said in other words brings a new meaning, which was so lacking in order to fully understand this before. At the same time, the experience of others on which it is customary to encourage children to study, adults themselves perceive much worse than their own.

We worry that the child will be injured if he takes a knife, dies if he pokes his head out of the window, gets into trouble if he is not careful on the road. We are afraid of this and inspire the child with instructions - a guide to action, completely not noticing that he is not ready on his own wave and does not want to hear it in such a volume. We take the belt in despair and fear.

But in fact, in our anxiety we forget about ourselves and our role - that we, the parents, are those people who should be with his child all the time until he has learned everything he needs to know about security, the world around him, while he is just learning, trying to learn, and completely defenseless.Everything will turn out to be much more successful if mom herself makes sure that the knife is out of the reach of the child, and the knife was introduced to the mother’s supervision and at the age when the child is ready to learn how to use it and understand that the knife cannot be a toy. It is the same with the road, and with the window, and with a whole list of situations in which we are trying to solve the problem by suggestion, and then beat.

At the same time, beating is not a guarantee of a deeper understanding of the child what can be done and what cannot. Beating is only an act of physical punishment, a reason for further shame, fear, resentment, even hatred. But not understanding the essence of things.

If we are talking about older children, then, of course, they will understand what they were punished for, although they obviously will not understand the reasons for such cruelty. It turns out that the child will receive his negative negative experience, which will tell him that it is impossible, that it is bad, for which they beat. Negative experience does not show the child what is good, what is possible and necessary, what is positive, where and how to apply your imagination, knowledge, and skills.

Such experience, on the contrary, restricts the development of personality in a child, inhibits his energy for aspirations. It is often important to show the child the direction of his movement, and not to put a prohibitory sign - do not go here. Here it is important to transfer his attention, to find words, joint activities, interests, and not to forbid what cannot be done with a terrible belt. Perhaps you need to be patient, you need to feel that the child is not able to understand something today, notice his personality, figure out why he does not understand what would seem obvious. Perhaps we are mistaken about the obviousness of these issues for him. Perhaps we do not find those words that he is already ready to understand. Perhaps the child requires a more detailed story, and not just "do not touch, do not hit, do not tear."

Here we need our parental work - the work of a loving mentor, but not the inquisitor. And, perhaps, we are tearing down our difficulties, failures, experiences on it. In any case, a detailed conversation with the child about our feelings for him, the situation, and our true desires will help. It is unlikely that we want to beat the child; rather, we want to show him how much we are concerned about his behavior. It will be more honest to say this directly. To say in detail, as honestly as possible. A child will understand us much better than any adult. The trust that we will show him in such a conversation, he will appreciate very highly and will remember for a long time.

I do not have enough patience. A terrible reason. Terrible, because it allows you to justify almost any action of an adult. But, unfortunately, does not answer the main question: why? Why is there not enough patience for a child?

A child is the meaning of my life. This is the biggest and most important thing that I have. Why then do I lack patience for him, for his upbringing? Why is there enough patience for stupidity and mistakes of other people? It turns out that the child, his life, his interests are not my priority. Am I fooling myself and others when I talk about how they are dear to me and dearly loved? So there is something more important in my life, for which patience is always enough?

It was hard to admit to myself. Finding double standards, cunning is hard and painful. But these findings allow us to move forward in understanding and change. They honestly show reality, do not give the opportunity to be mistaken.

As for patience, here I have found many ways to help myself: from a global understanding of the meaning of my life, analysis of the true state of affairs in the family, in my own soul, and sometimes even the household recipe. Once I redistributed time and found time for my personal relaxation. I realized that 15 minutes in the bathroom in the evening is also a rest - time to gather my thoughts, remember the day, what happened and what didn’t, review difficult situations, try to change my attitude to them, time for plans for tomorrow.

I also began to be attentive to the time that I dedicate to children.

I spend all day with children, we have working grandparents, we live separately, my husband comes home from work after eight in the evening, and, of course, I get tired of three kids alone. At some point I caught myself not paying much attention to them. I go with them to different classes, we really have a very diverse and interesting leisure. I walk with them for a long time on the playground. I cook, feed, read. Sculpt, draw. How can it be that I pay little attention to children? For some time I was looking for the answer to this question. And I realized that everything I do is a great app to the main thing. And most importantly - this is personal communication, without any specific purpose, just like that, because you want to be together.

These are the minutes when mother sat on the sofa, the children dangled around her, and she strokes them, kisses, tinkers with them, talks to them about what is interesting to them now. At these moments, you can tell mom that I really want a doll. And it’s expensive to trust her that you understand that you have a lot of toys and you often get gifts, but you still want the doll in the pink bath. At these moments, you can tell about the boy in the pool, who is tall and has black hair. You can talk about the girl in the drawing and the fact that the teacher today was in a funny skirt and all the boys laughed. This is the time for stupid children’s conversations, when I suddenly realize that I’ve found myself in a bizarre children's world, I was accepted here as mine, equally sharing my children's secrets, experiences and shreds for dolls. And there can be no higher happiness than stroking the hair of your child when he crawls over me, trying to get better and push his brother! This is life ... real, beautiful, bright ... Only ours and our children.

The question of why perfectly normal parents (not drug addicts, not alcoholics) beat their children, mock them, has many answers. Look below in the sad list - perhaps something concerns you personally, and you are able to change it.

Reasons Parents Beat Their Children

Tradition

Many Russian parents understand the Russian proverb “Teach the child while lying across the bench, and stretching along - late to learn”. To teach is to flog. Perhaps people are confused by the mention that the child is on the bench. How can I teach lying on a bench? On his priest, on the priest!

Indeed, in Russia, flogging took pride of place in the education system - birch cereal (bunches) fed the children in both peasant families, merchants and noble families. Often not even for a specific offense, but for preventive purposes. Suppose, in the house of some merchant Erepenin, sons were flogged on Fridays - for the whole week, I suppose, there is something for that.

In fact, the meaning of this proverb is that it is necessary to raise a child while he is small. When he grows up, it will be too late, that is, it is useless to educate. But the choice of parenting methods is up to the parent.

Until now, many parents do not understand how children can not be beaten. Not to beat means to spoil (also popular "wisdom"). So they beat without thinking, often because even without malice, but only wanting to fulfill their parental duty. And they also hang a belt on a carnation to remind them of the cost of pranks.

By the way, flogging children for educational purposes was adopted not only in Russia, but also in enlightened Europe. But after all, this practice has long been condemned, and in general - the 21st century in the yard. It's time to apply new technologies!

Heredity

I was beaten - and I beat my children. A very common reason is that violence breeds violence. Such people take offense at parents on their children. Or they simply don’t imagine that it can be otherwise. When you tell them that you can’t beat a child, they answer: "They beat us, and nothing, grew up no worse than others, or maybe better. None of us are a drug addict, not a thief."

Therefore, take pity on future grandchildren today - do not beat your offspring so mercilessly.

Scanty vocabulary

Many parents clutch at the belt as if they were a lifeline. Their vocabulary is so poor, their thoughts are so short, so short that they don’t cling to each other - the gears in the brain do not spin, the thought process stalls. Where can I explain to the children why it’s impossible to do this. Easier to give a belt.

Sometimes a person himself admits (at least in his heart) that for a conversation with a child he lacks some basic knowledge and just mental skills. Then he needs to make an effort on himself and go in for self-training. Well, at least consult with colleagues who have children of the same age, read magazines for parents. You look, and the vocabulary is enriched, it will become easier to talk with children. If the parent is completely stupid and evil at the same time, he will continue to beat.

The feeling of insignificance

Sometimes your own child is the only person who, roughly speaking, can be given in the face. For example, a man in his forties is a coward by nature, with a terrible bore and pedant. There aren’t enough stars from the sky, I didn’t make a career, but for some reason I am convinced that life is unfair to him. At work, the boss despises, but does not dare to tell him about this, he is forced to silently obey. In bed with his wife is insolvent, after each failure he is angry at her, pouting for two days. With colleagues, too, does not go well, no friends. No one is afraid of him, does not respect him. And then a ten-year-old son - he didn’t wash the cup after himself, he didn’t put slippers in the hallway exactly in parallel. The father swings - he sees fear in the eyes of his son, and beats with pleasure. And then with the same pleasure he listens to the babble: “Daddy, daddy, I won’t be anymore ...” The son is in his power - how not to use it? After all, besides his father’s other power, he doesn’t, and he wants to have it - unreasonable ambitions are stifling.

In such a situation, it is best if the mother of the child finds the courage to appease her husband. Since he is a coward, he can be intimidated by publicity (once you touch the child - I will tell all your relatives and call you to work), a divorce. Mom must show her strength and actively intercede for the child. Indeed, the causes for beating in this type of fathers are usually petty and even ridiculous. If you give this dad free rein, he will turn from a bore into a tyrant at home. Then at least run away from home.

Sexual dissatisfaction

There are people who cannot "sexually" achieve sexual gratification. For example, some couples before intimacy must necessarily quarrel, then to experience the sweetness of reconciliation and make sensations more acute. Especially they like to arrange this circus in public. Let's say they come to visit friends - at first everything is fine. By the end of the evening they sit in different angles, at first crouch, then she dances with a stranger’s husband, he smokes nervously, drinks too much, and goes out into the street. Half an hour he is gone - she is calm, even happy. An hour later, she begins to get nervous, asks her friends to “return Seryoga”. Then everything goes according to a long-known scenario. Friends, cursing and grumbling, they catch a taxi, go to the train station, where Seryoga is sitting in the waiting room - waiting for them (although he says that he is going to go wherever he looks, if only to get away from his wife). They try to break him, then simply drag him by force into the car, bring him to his wife. She is in tears, throws herself on her husband’s neck, and friends send the happy doves in the same taxi home - as soon as possible in the bunk. And so every time they get together by company. Everyone laughs at them, everyone is tired, but they have such a love-carrot.

It is much worse if the child is in the role of the "pathogen". For example, in the morning mother is humbling, she finds a reason, shouts at her seven-year-old daughter, starts to peel her, she starts up from this. When it comes to the right condition, it stops beating. After that, he immediately sits the girl on her lap, presses her to her chest. She feels just sensual pleasure when she hugs and pities her battered daughter.

Such parents, of course, need the help of a specialist. Only they don’t want to address about this until they completely kill the child.

What result do you want?

Sometimes parents beat their children, so to speak, formally, without excitement. No parental complexes are behind this, the only goal is to force obedience or punish for misconduct. Slight strokes, do not cause physical harm to the child. And the child does not take offense at dad or mom, because he knows - he got the job.

Do you know that children can enjoy whipping? A lot has been written about this in the literature. For example, the French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau admitted such feelings in his Confession. The governess spanked him, laying him on her lap and lowering her panties. The touch of a palm to a naked body brought pleasure to an 8-year-old child. No wonder children eat - and lovers! - they play punishments, slapping each other (you are guilty, I will punish you). Blows (palm, belt, towel) on the buttocks can quite arouse sensual pleasure in children, irritating the sciatic nerves. As a result, you and the child you are peeling form a BDSM couple. Did you really want this when you started corporal punishment?

Another caveat. If you know the habit of handing out flip flops and slaps to children under the hot hand, be very careful. First, remove the rings from your hands. If you hit the head with a massive wedding ring, you can make the child cross-eyed. Secondly, look where the child is - you can awkwardly push and hit a corner or a sharp object. Third, try not to hit at all. Have a conscience: you and the child in different weight categories. He is defenseless in front of you. Killing children by negligence is a very real thing.

Moral violence

Sometimes children are asked: "Parents beat you?" They answer: "It would be better if they beat me."

What can be done with a child so that he answers like that? Alas, sometimes moral violence is more dangerous for a child than physical. A guilty child is insulted in every possible way, forced to ask forgiveness from his parents for a long and humiliating time, to write some explanations, oaths on a piece of paper. For some reason, someone does not talk with the child until the unfortunate child prays: "I'm sorry!" Some parents make them bow to their feet, kiss their hand. Someone strips naked and makes him stand like that in the middle of the room, with his hands at the seams. In general, people’s imagination works, it’s continuous creativity.

In any case, physical impact is always moral violence, and moral bullying can harm the physical and mental health of the child.

Is it possible to do without punishment at all in the educational process? I think no. The main thing here is not to turn punishment into violence against the personality of the child. Let's talk about this in the next article.

It is very important to understand why we beat our children. Indeed, deep down all parents feel that to beat is bad. Why then is it all the same to us - perhaps?

They beat me too. This is scary. The generation of beaten children suffered, has grown and now considers its childhood pain a possible argument to justify its own cruelty over the child. My heart is contracting, but I’ll ask: “You were beaten. And what - did you really like it? ” Really, even if it was for the matter, even one beaten child after beating confidently declares to his mother or father: “You did the right thing! I deserve it. Got to the cause. Now I understand everything. I won’t! ” Do we really believe that no one dreamed of avoiding this punishment, this pain and humiliation? Remember how many tears were shed into the pillow, how much anger rose in the heart of a child from injustice and its irreversibility. Of course, this can be experienced. And many survived. But why let your child experience what he himself was most afraid of once? He walked home with a deuce in his diary and ... was afraid.

I also began to be attentive to the time that I dedicate to children.

We think that only dysfunctional parents who are addicted or have mental problems can scoff at their children. Normal parents, ordinary moms and dads, do not beat, they educate. At least, it is rare that any adult is ready to admit aloud that he is beating his child for a poor rating or an unwashed rating, which gives him a slap in the face because he got out and screams out of anger. No, all this is done for good purposes, because he does not understand differently.

Physical punishment is a tradition that goes back centuries. Perhaps that is why we do not see the main problem - violence of the strong in relation to the weak. Children in everything are dependent on their parents, who, instead of becoming adults, become a victim: “I do this because I have to, you don’t understand, don’t want to do what I say.” But the sacrifice, which has the power and power to punish. Porky parents show that they do not know how to solve problems and find a common language with the child and at the same time show their weakness. They really do not know how, because they are too weak to change themselves.

Psychologist Marina Baydyuk identified 5 reasons why parents continue to beat their children, even realizing that they are doing badly. Adults do not always understand the reasons that drive them. If you look at what really worries the parent, then you can avoid violence in education.

Why parents beat their children

Cases of domestic violence against a child are quite common. Children are beaten not only in dysfunctional families, but also in very intelligent ones, where parents are successful, well-to-do people, respected among colleagues and respected by management.

And at home they turn into tyrants, whose victims are the weakest in the family - children.

Moreover, not every parent is ready to admit that he is beating his child. Most of them will zealously deny this and even condemn.

So why do parents, realizing that assault is the wrong method of upbringing, continue to beat their children?

Causes of child abuse

As a psychologist, I would single out some of the most common reasons why parents beat their children.

The desire to assert oneself. Each person needs to feel successful at least in some area - at work, at home, with friends, in his hobby. He needs recognition of his merits by other people.

But what if he did not achieve anything in life: he has no friends, there aren’t enough stars from heaven at work, the character is such that his wife just suffers him? So such a parent finds the opportunity to raise their own self-esteem by striking a defenseless child. "He will not be able to give back, which means that I am stronger, superior to him, I have power over him."

Such a person must be stopped immediately, otherwise he will finally believe in his impunity and become a home tyrant not only for children, but also for his wife, other relatives, neighbors. It’s definitely not going to end in anything good.

Family tradition of upbringing. In some families, it is customary to raise children with old-fashioned methods - with a belt. So father and mother were taught the lives of their parents, and those of the previous generation. “Why come up with something new if these methods give their effect? We were beaten, and we grew up as people, ”such people say.

But they forget that every year the world becomes more and more civilized. And barbaric methods of upbringing can no less effectively be replaced by others: a heart-to-heart talk with the child, explaining to him his position and the benefits of doing the right thing, encouraging. And, most importantly, respectful communication and communication on an equal footing, not from a position of strength.

Powerlessness and a feeling of helplessness in an attempt to influence the child. Yes, I agree, with some children it can be difficult to resist the slap.

But if you can’t agree with the child in a good way, then the use of force will not benefit either. Therefore, the only way out is to look for an approach and those soul strings, the impact on which can have a positive effect. It is difficult, but to be a parent is not an easy task at all.

Sincere conviction that this method can be used to inject the right manners into the child, the desire to learn, to obey the parents. It is a pity to disappoint such people, but there will be no benefit from such an upbringing.

You only embitter your own son or daughter, make you afraid, but not respect. Moreover, using brute force, you grow from a child a notorious person, unsure of himself, afraid to not only express, but even have his own opinion.

This can leave a negative imprint on his whole life, deprive him of happiness and the possibility of self-realization.

Sexual dissatisfaction. It often happens that parents transfer failures in their personal lives to children simply because this is the easiest way to vent their anger and frustration.

A man experiences breakdowns in bed, and instead of going to the doctor, he grabs the belt at the slightest misconduct of his son.

A woman suffers from a lack of intimacy with her husband and, in irritation, can severely punish a child for not appreciating enough or a mistake made in a dictation.

How to do without violence?

Is it possible to do without assault in raising children? I am convinced that yes. In no case do I urge to refuse to punish a child for wrongdoing in principle. It is necessary and must correspond to the degree of misconduct.

But I am sure that a much more severe punishment is not beatings, but a moral impact.

First, understand the problem and help the child solve it. For example, he does not want to study. Talk to him first. Maybe his classmates offend him, or the teacher finds fault with no reason. In this case, act as a senior comrade: write the child to the fight so that he learns to defend himself, transfer to another class or even a school, help find a field of activity where he will feel like a person. Agree, these methods are much more effective than a belt on the pope.
Learn to see personalities in your children. They are not your property, but people like you, and they have the same right to mistakes and human weaknesses. You do not beat yourself, if you are too lazy to do some housework or you have drunk an extra bottle of beer. Therefore, if you think that your children are not diligent or diligent in their studies, do poor homework, are rude and disobey, then remember that you yourself are not perfect, and help them become better. Try to find something for them to their liking and channel their energy into a peaceful direction. This can be a sport, needlework, creativity, books, any hobby. Sincerely rejoice in the success of the child, be proud of him, encourage his hobbies. And he will grow up as your true friend, grateful and sincerely loving his parents.
Look for more humane and effective parenting methods. Believe me, a heart-to-heart talk, your sincere experience of a child’s bad deed will upset him much more than getting a rake. Other methods may be used. Son badly finished the school year, and you promised him a trip to the sea? Refuse the vacation with the whole family, let the son feel that through his fault, not only he, but you were left without rest. Daughter rude teacher? Invite her to introduce you or your grandmother to the place of the teacher. How would she react if someone told you that she allowed herself to be addressed to another person? And go with her to the teacher to apologize.
And the most important rule - learn to restrain your own emotions. Is the child rude and not obeying? Try to calm down and not make hasty decisions. To do this, you can lock yourself in the bathroom, look at the water pouring from the tap, put your palms under it. When the anger passes, go out and talk with the child, explain what he is wrong about and how his behavior offended you. Did the son bring a deuce? Do something out of the ordinary: instead of screaming and cuffs, to which he is accustomed, laugh with him. You must admit that a bad rating is not the worst thing in life, it can, in the end, be corrected.

But the trust of the child will be very difficult to return.