Why do we beat our beloved children. Why you can not beat the children. The feeling of insignificance

The question of why perfectly normal parents (not drug addicts, not alcoholics) beat their children, mock them, has many answers. Look below in the sad list - perhaps something concerns you personally, and you are able to change it.

Reasons Parents Beat Their Children

Tradition

Many Russian parents understand the Russian proverb “Teach the child while lying across the bench, and stretching along - late to learn”. To teach is to flog. Perhaps people are confused by the mention that the child is on the bench. How can I teach lying on a bench? On his priest, on the priest!

Indeed, in Russia, flogging took pride of place in the education system - birch cereal (bunches) fed the children in both peasant families, merchants and noble families. Often not even for a specific offense, but for preventive purposes. Suppose, in the house of some merchant Erepenin, sons were flogged on Fridays - for the whole week, I suppose, there is something for that.

In fact, the meaning of this proverb is that it is necessary to raise a child while he is small. When he grows up, it will be too late, that is, it is useless to educate. But the choice of parenting methods is up to the parent.

Until now, many parents do not understand how children can not be beaten. Not to beat means to spoil (also popular "wisdom"). So they beat without thinking, often because even without malice, but only wanting to fulfill their parental duty. And they also hang a belt on a carnation to remind them of the cost of pranks.

By the way, flogging children for educational purposes was adopted not only in Russia, but also in enlightened Europe. But after all, this practice has long been condemned, and in general - the 21st century in the yard. It's time to apply new technologies!

Heredity

I was beaten - and I beat my children. A very common reason is that violence breeds violence. Such people take offense at parents on their children. Or they simply don’t imagine that it can be otherwise. When you tell them that you can’t beat a child, they answer: "They beat us, and nothing, grew up no worse than others, or maybe better. None of us are a drug addict, not a thief."

Therefore, take pity on future grandchildren today - do not beat your offspring so mercilessly.

Scanty vocabulary

Many parents clutch at the belt as if they were a lifeline. Their vocabulary is so poor, their thoughts are so short, so short that they don’t cling to each other - the gears in the brain do not spin, the thought process stalls. Where can I explain to the children why it’s impossible to do this. Easier to give a belt.

Sometimes a person himself admits (at least in his heart) that for a conversation with a child he lacks some basic knowledge and just mental skills. Then he needs to make an effort on himself and go in for self-training. Well, at least consult with colleagues who have children of the same age, read magazines for parents. You look, and the vocabulary is enriched, it will become easier to talk with children. If the parent is completely stupid and evil at the same time, he will continue to beat.

The feeling of insignificance

Sometimes your own child is the only person who, roughly speaking, can be given in the face. For example, a man in his forties is a coward by nature, with a terrible bore and pedant. There aren’t enough stars from the sky, I didn’t make a career, but for some reason I am convinced that life is unfair to him. At work, the boss despises, but does not dare to tell him about this, he is forced to silently obey. In bed with his wife is insolvent, after each failure he is angry at her, pouting for two days. With colleagues, too, does not go well, no friends. No one is afraid of him, does not respect him. And then a ten-year-old son - he didn’t wash the cup after himself, he didn’t put slippers in the hallway exactly in parallel. The father swings - he sees fear in the eyes of his son, and beats with pleasure. And then with the same pleasure he listens to the babble: “Daddy, daddy, I won’t be anymore ...” The son is in his power - how not to use it? After all, besides his father’s other power, he doesn’t, and he wants to have it - unreasonable ambitions are stifling.

In such a situation, it is best if the mother of the child finds the courage to appease her husband. Since he is a coward, he can be intimidated by publicity (once you touch the child - I will tell all your relatives and call you to work), a divorce. Mom must show her strength and actively intercede for the child. Indeed, the causes for beating in this type of fathers are usually petty and even ridiculous. If you give this dad free rein, he will turn from a bore into a tyrant at home. Then at least run away from home.

Sexual dissatisfaction

There are people who cannot "sexually" achieve sexual gratification. For example, some couples before intimacy must necessarily quarrel, then to experience the sweetness of reconciliation and make sensations more acute. Especially they like to arrange this circus in public. Let's say they come to visit friends - at first everything is fine. By the end of the evening they sit in different angles, at first crouch, then she dances with a stranger’s husband, he smokes nervously, drinks too much, and goes out into the street. Half an hour he is gone - she is calm, even happy. An hour later, she begins to get nervous, asks her friends to “return Seryoga”. Then everything goes according to a long-known scenario. Friends, cursing and grumbling, they catch a taxi, go to the train station, where Seryoga is sitting in the waiting room - waiting for them (although he says that he is going to go wherever he looks, if only to get away from his wife). They try to break him, then simply drag him by force into the car, bring him to his wife. She is in tears, throws herself on her husband’s neck, and friends send the happy doves in the same taxi home - as soon as possible in the bunk. And so every time they get together by company. Everyone laughs at them, everyone is tired, but they have such a love-carrot.

It is much worse if the child is in the role of the "pathogen". For example, in the morning mother is humbling, she finds a reason, shouts at her seven-year-old daughter, starts to peel her, she starts up from this. When it comes to the right condition, it stops beating. After that, he immediately sits the girl on her lap, presses her to her chest. She feels just sensual pleasure when she hugs and pities her battered daughter.

Such parents, of course, need the help of a specialist. Only they don’t want to address about this until they completely kill the child.

What result do you want?

Sometimes parents beat their children, so to speak, formally, without excitement. No parental complexes are behind this, the only goal is to force obedience or punish for misconduct. Slight strokes, do not cause physical harm to the child. And the child does not take offense at dad or mom, because he knows - he got the job.

Do you know that children can enjoy whipping? A lot has been written about this in the literature. For example, the French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau admitted such feelings in his Confession. The governess spanked him, laying him on her lap and lowering her panties. The touch of a palm to a naked body brought pleasure to an 8-year-old child. No wonder children eat - and lovers! - they play punishments, slapping each other (you are guilty, I will punish you). Blows (palm, belt, towel) on the buttocks can quite arouse sensual pleasure in children, irritating the sciatic nerves. As a result, you and the child you are peeling form a BDSM couple. Did you really want this when you started corporal punishment?

Another caveat. If you know the habit of handing out flip flops and slaps to children under the hot hand, be very careful. First, remove the rings from your hands. If you hit the head with a massive wedding ring, you can make the child cross-eyed. Secondly, look where the child is - you can awkwardly push and hit a corner or a sharp object. Third, try not to hit at all. Have a conscience: you and the child in different weight categories. He is defenseless in front of you. Killing children by negligence is a very real thing.

Moral violence

Sometimes children are asked: "Parents beat you?" They answer: "It would be better if they beat me."

What can be done with a child so that he answers like that? Alas, sometimes moral violence is more dangerous for a child than physical. A guilty child is insulted in every possible way, forced to ask forgiveness from his parents for a long and humiliating time, to write some explanations, oaths on a piece of paper. For some reason, someone does not talk with the child until the unfortunate child prays: "I'm sorry!" Some parents make them bow to their feet, kiss their hand. Someone strips naked and makes him stand like that in the middle of the room, with his hands at the seams. In general, people’s imagination works, it’s continuous creativity.

In any case, physical impact is always moral violence, and moral bullying can harm the physical and mental health of the child.

Is it possible to do without punishment at all in the educational process? I think no. The main thing here is not to turn punishment into violence against the personality of the child. Let's talk about this in the next article.

Surely each of us, if a little thoughtful and looks into his childhood, will be able to recall a pretty thrashing from his mother or a couple of slaps from his father. It was good or bad, it’s hard to say now, but we have grown up and considered it the norm of things. But the world has since changed a lot, as has the approach to raising children.

If our standards of education change quite slowly, then European countries are developing at a rapid pace. For example, some 150 years ago it was normal for Swedish parents to unfasten a child with rods, and also go to the library and read which rods are better for this business.

But now this country has become the first where it is forbidden to beat children by law. Today the editors "So simple!" will tell how they came to this alignment and whether it works.

Is it possible to beat children

In the 70s physical punishment children were the norm, part of parenting. No one then thought that this could be wrong. Except for one woman who was the first to talk about violence against children should not be the norm.

Everyone knows this woman, because everyone remembers and loves her fairy tales. Astrid Lindgren - A well-known and talented storyteller, and also a person who changed the whole system of education and enabled the whole generation to grow up without violence. In 1978, in Germany, at the ceremony of awarding the Peace Prize, she delivered a speech that circled the whole world.

She said that the aggression that we see around us originates in our childhood. The first lesson in violence we receive from our parents, who punish children with spanking and slapping, and often with a belt. After that, the child begins to believe that with the help of violence all problems can be solved.

Part of her speech sounded like this: "I do not think so. A baby is born neither bad nor good. What decides whether he will be open and kind or callous and fierce lone wolf? It is we, his parents, who are supposed to show the child what love is. Or, unwittingly, to teach him the opposite ".

This speech was so sincere and piercing that it sparked heated debate in Sweden and Germany about physical punishment. The citizens of these countries realized that this was not an option, and since then their educational system has completely changed. In 1979, Sweden officially prohibits corporal punishment of children at home and at school at the law level.

Period of change

Of course, it doesn’t happen that they wrote the law, but then everyone immediately changed, received their sight and stopped beating the children. No, it was much more complicated. The trick is that this law did not remain on paper, but began to work. To convey the idea to every family, the government organized a large-scale information campaign.

It was a bit of propaganda, because they talked about changes just at every turn. It was suggested to every citizen that children should not be beaten, that the new generation should not be like that, these children should believe in themselves, their rights and their own state. Similar slogans sounded from TV screens, were pronounced on the radio, to say nothing, even on packages with milk they could be seen.

The state also took care of the parents. A lot of literature, brochures and leaflets were published that taught parents to raise a child without violence and humiliation. Then a hotline was also created, which could be called and asked for advice.

Incidentally, it exists today. There are hotlines for children, they can call and ask for help at any time if they are offended at home. Sweden responds to this instantly.

Modern parenting system in Sweden

Now everyone is used to this sort of situation. Nevertheless, a whole generation of people has already grown up on this law. The state and now provides parents with all kinds of support, it is all honed to automatism.

Preschool institutions take on the lion's share of upbringing. Everything is built on clear rules, where violence is prohibited. In the first place is respect for the child, and in the second - respect for the child to others. It is on this principle that children are raised in Sweden.

From childhood, simple rules are instilled in Swedes: you can’t fight, you need to respect others, wait your turn, be responsible for your choice. They are told about their rights, already in two years the baby knows everything about it. To say no to where to turn when you are offended is the first science that children in Sweden master.

The penalties for violence are also very strict. Due to one complaint, which will also be proved, the child can be taken from the family. If someone on the street sees that the parent has used force on the child, they will immediately call the police. In the event that corporal punishment occurs in the family all the time, parents can even go to jail.

But this doesn’t seem at all like some kind of evil dystopia. Children and parents are very happy, cases when a child is taken out of the family is more likely a rarity than a mass phenomenon. The fact is that everyone is already used to living like this, it has become the norm.

Sweden is a very demanding country. There, children are taken care of, as are parents. Each cafe and restaurant will definitely have a highchair and some fun for the baby. All shopping centers and large shops are equipped so that you can feed and change your child.

It is customary in the country to go everywhere with children, but there is no detocentrism in society. The life of parents does not revolve around children. Parents are not fanatical, they do not try to teach the child to read and speak three languages \u200b\u200bfrom the cradle. Children in Sweden are not raised, they live with them.

There is no concept of some kind of maternal debt or debt of children to parents. Yes, and motherhood is not considered any feat. Everything is calm and quite adequate. What they care about first of all is the safety of children, because it is really important.

Many may criticize this liberal educational system, but it works. In Sweden, the advent of this law has reduced the number of crimes. It is a truly happy nation. And perhaps the reason is precisely because they refused violence once and for all!

A lot can be said about the pros and cons of such education, and opinions are always divided. For example, the Swedish psychiatrist and author of several books, David Eberhard, believes that liberal education harms both children and parents.

Each country has its own approach to raising children. We recently wrote about what you can learn from Dutch mothers and why their parenting system is one of the best.

And what do you think, is it possible to beat children? Is corporal punishment necessary in the process of education? Tell us everything you think in the comments!

Ekaterina Khodyuk
The main hobby of Ekaterina Khodyuk is literature. She also likes to watch a good movie, enjoy the autumn, pet cats and listen to the Spleen group. He is fond of Japanese culture, thinking and lifestyle of the Japanese, dreams of visiting this country. Katya seeks to live a busy, full of impressions and travels life. The girl’s favorite book is The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera.

We think that only dysfunctional parents who are addicted or have mental problems can scoff at their children. Normal parents, ordinary moms and dads, do not beat, they educate. At least, it is rare that any adult is ready to admit aloud that he is beating his child for a poor rating or an unwashed rating, which gives him a slap in the face because he got out and screams out of anger. No, all this is done for good purposes, because he does not understand differently.

Physical punishment is a tradition that goes back centuries. Perhaps that is why we do not see the main problem - violence of the strong in relation to the weak. Children in everything are dependent on their parents, who, instead of becoming adults, become a victim: “I do this because I have to, you don’t understand, don’t want to do what I say.” But the sacrifice, which has the power and power to punish. Porky parents show that they do not know how to solve problems and find a common language with the child and at the same time show their weakness. They really do not know how, because they are too weak to change themselves.

Psychologist Marina Baydyuk identified 5 reasons why parents continue to beat their children, even realizing that they are doing badly. Adults do not always understand the reasons that drive them. If you look at what really worries the parent, then you can avoid violence in education.

Why parents beat their children

Cases of domestic violence against a child are quite common. Children are beaten not only in dysfunctional families, but also in very intelligent ones, where parents are successful, well-to-do people, respected among colleagues and respected by management.

And at home they turn into tyrants, whose victims are the weakest in the family - children.

Moreover, not every parent is ready to admit that he is beating his child. Most of them will zealously deny this and even condemn.

So why do parents, realizing that assault is the wrong method of upbringing, continue to beat their children?

Causes of child abuse

As a psychologist, I would single out some of the most common reasons why parents beat their children.

The desire to assert oneself. Each person needs to feel successful at least in some area - at work, at home, with friends, in his hobby. He needs recognition of his merits by other people.

But what if he did not achieve anything in his life: he has no friends, there aren’t enough stars from heaven at work, the character is such that his wife just suffers him? So such a parent finds the opportunity to raise their own self-esteem by striking a defenseless child. "He will not be able to give back, which means that I am stronger, superior to him, I have power over him."

Such a person must be stopped immediately, otherwise he will finally believe in his impunity and become a home tyrant not only for children, but also for his wife, other relatives, neighbors. It’s definitely not going to end in anything good.

Family tradition of upbringing. In some families, it is customary to raise children with old-fashioned methods - with a belt. So father and mother were taught the lives of their parents, and those of the previous generation. “Why come up with something new if these methods give their effect? We were beaten, and we grew up as people, ”such people say.

But they forget that every year the world becomes more and more civilized. And barbaric methods of upbringing can no less effectively be replaced by others: a heart-to-heart talk with the child, explaining to him his position and the benefits of doing the right thing, encouraging. And, most importantly, respectful communication and communication on an equal footing, not from a position of strength.

Powerlessness and a feeling of helplessness in an attempt to influence the child. Yes, I agree, with some children it can be difficult to resist the slap.

But if you can’t agree with the child in a good way, then the use of force will not benefit either. Therefore, the only way out is to look for an approach and those soul strings, the impact on which can have a positive effect. It is difficult, but to be a parent is not an easy task at all.

Sincere conviction that this method can be used to inject the right manners into the child, the desire to learn, to obey the parents. It is a pity to disappoint such people, but there will be no benefit from such an upbringing.

You only embitter your own son or daughter, make you afraid, but not respect. Moreover, using brute force, you grow from a child a notorious person, unsure of himself, afraid to not only express, but even have his own opinion.

This can leave a negative imprint on his whole life, deprive him of happiness and the possibility of self-realization.

Sexual dissatisfaction. It often happens that parents transfer failures in their personal lives to children simply because this is the easiest way to vent their anger and frustration.

A man experiences breakdowns in bed, and instead of going to the doctor, he grabs the belt at the slightest misconduct of his son.

A woman suffers from a lack of intimacy with her husband and, in irritation, can severely punish a child for not appreciating enough or a mistake made in a dictation.

How to do without violence?

Is it possible to do without assault in raising children? I am convinced that yes. In no case do I urge to refuse to punish a child for wrongdoing in principle. It is necessary and must correspond to the degree of misconduct.

But I am sure that a much more severe punishment is not beatings, but a moral impact.

First, understand the problem and help the child solve it. For example, he does not want to study. Talk to him first. Maybe his classmates offend him, or the teacher finds fault with no reason. In this case, act as a senior comrade: write the child to the fight so that he learns to defend himself, transfer to another class or even a school, help find a field of activity where he will feel like a person. Agree, these methods are much more effective than a belt on the pope.
Learn to see personalities in your children. They are not your property, but people like you, and they have the same right to mistakes and human weaknesses. You do not beat yourself, if you are too lazy to do some housework or you have drunk an extra bottle of beer. Therefore, if you think that your children are not diligent or diligent in their studies, do poor homework, are rude and disobey, then remember that you yourself are not perfect, and help them become better. Try to find something for them to their liking and channel their energy into a peaceful direction. This can be a sport, needlework, creativity, books, any hobby. Sincerely rejoice in the success of the child, be proud of him, encourage his hobbies. And he will grow up as your true friend, grateful and sincerely loving his parents.
Look for more humane and effective parenting methods. Believe me, a heart-to-heart talk, your sincere experience of a child’s bad deed will upset him much more than getting a rake. Other methods may be used. Son badly finished the school year, and you promised him a trip to the sea? Refuse the vacation with the whole family, let the son feel that through his fault, not only he, but you were left without rest. Daughter rude teacher? Invite her to introduce you or your grandmother to the place of the teacher. How would she react if someone told you that she allowed herself to be addressed to another person? And go with her to the teacher to apologize.
And the most important rule - learn to restrain your own emotions. Is the child rude and not obeying? Try to calm down and not make hasty decisions. To do this, you can lock yourself in the bathroom, look at the water pouring from the tap, put your palms under it. When the anger passes, go out and talk with the child, explain what he is wrong about and how his behavior offended you. Did the son bring a deuce? Do something out of the ordinary: instead of screaming and cuffs, to which he is accustomed, laugh with him. You must admit that a bad rating is not the worst thing in life, it can, in the end, be corrected.

But the trust of the child will be very difficult to return.

Live and live let others
But not at the expense of another;
Always be pleased with yours
Do not touch anything else:
Here is the rule, straight path
For the happiness of everyone and everyone.
G.R. Derzhavin
"At the Birth of Queen Gramislava. L. A. Naryshkin" (1798)

A little girl recently learned to walk and walks with her mother. She carefully rearranges her legs and goes where they carry her. Mom vigilantly watches her daughter, and if she has moved a considerable distance from her, she catches up with the baby, picks it up in her arms and says, "You can’t go far from mom!" without anger, but sensitively slaps on the pope until the girl begins to whimper. Do you know this picture?

It is impossible to talk about any physical effect on the child by his parents in isolation from the temperament, mental state and general health of both the parent and the child himself. However, and in isolation from the general cultural level of the family. Which for some people is absolutely unacceptable, for others - ordinary, inoffensive and non-abusive manifestations. Therefore, when someone says that it is impossible to beat children, or, conversely, "no one has died from a slap in the ass," these are just empty slogans torn from life, from specific people and the circumstances of their life.

How and for what it is impossible to beat children, from which slap, under what circumstances no one was dying? Various refinements and additions to these slogans can sometimes radically change and transform the thought they carry. It is impossible to beat children, but is it possible to morally crush, humiliate and insult them in words? A slap in the ass for a six-year-old boy, made in public by his father, will not physically kill the child. But in a child, he can kill any trust in his father for the rest of his life.

In this article, under the word “beat” we do not mean beating a child to an unconscious state, intentionally inflicting injury on him or any kind of violence associated with the pathological condition of an adult. Why this is happening is a topic for another discussion.

How to divide the physical manifestations of the child into spontaneous, impulsive and conscious, coming from some methodology and rules or just tyranny of an adult? Many mothers tell their friends: "We do not beat our child." But can each of these mothers swear that, for example, on some rainy day, she didn’t hit her ass in a screaming wild voice about an unknown child, when the two of them were weaving tired with bags from some shopping trip? Is it possible to separate where “hit the child” and mom’s “I just can't take it anymore” begin?

As for the physical impact on the child by his parents and relatives, there are several opposing opinions of the parents themselves. Each leads its arguments, which are based mainly on personal experience acquired at a time when this parent was himself small and defenseless. It is good that many adults remember their childhood and analyze the methods of parenting. Conventionally, these people can be divided into several categories:

parents whom they themselves never touched in their childhood, did not humiliate or insult, and everything was decided through negotiations or persuasion;
parents who were not beaten or beaten lightly in childhood, but who morally humiliated, insulted children, achieved something from the child by forming feelings of guilt and shame in him;
parents who received slaps and slaps in childhood, but only for real wrongdoing, and the child agreed with this, while adults did not humiliate and insulted him;
parents who had a difficult childhood and who were beaten (hard and painful, and even with a belt), and humiliated, and punished for any reason.

It is easy to guess which of these categories of parents will be categorically against physical impact, and who will believe that there is nothing wrong with the slap in the head. The unacceptability of physical punishment arises in case of identification with humiliation, insult, guilt.

In the physical impact itself (if it is not a beating, of course) there is nothing terrible. Life cannot be made refined and completely safe. Each of us faces (someone less often, someone more often) with various physical influences between people, starting from friendly shoves or struggles, ending with self-defense or defense of our dignity. Everything happens in life, and it is impossible to isolate and completely exclude physical manifestations, including in a parent-child relationship. No matter how much they discuss the topic on the mother’s forums "can one physically punish their child", there will always be ardent opponents and the same ardent supporters of physical punishment, and no one will convince each other of their truth. And all just because both of them have diametrically opposite experience and understanding of what physical impact and punishment are. In some, it is identified with the humiliation of the child, while others perceive the physical impact only as a parent's protest against the behavior of the child. And if an adult consciously and thoughtfully refers to his relationship with his child, he will seek to rid him of the negative experience that he once experienced in childhood. Or the parent may not even wonder how to behave with the child, he simply accepts the model of relations that he saw with his own parents in relation to him.

The most controversial category is the parents, who were beaten very hard in childhood, who lived in destructive families, which left a heavy imprint on their personality. Those who were able to rise above the oppression in which they lived in childhood and overcome the chaos in their souls sowed by their own parents will find a definite answer to the question "to beat or not to beat." They don’t even touch their child with a finger. Those who could not overcome this model of relationships will create an exact copy of it.

Often, mothers spank their child or give him backsides precisely as an addition to pointing and edifying words. To consolidate, so to speak. Thus, they are trying to develop a conditioned reflex in the child. If the mother said that one should not go far, then if the ban is ignored, the child will be hurt. And in the future, as the mother thinks, the child will have a strong association: "it is impossible" - "it hurts." This is a pedagogical mistake. To develop such a conditioned reflex in a child is possible only for a while. The child is not an animal, it must not be trained, but educated. And you need to help him adapt in the surrounding space. Moreover, the reflexes and temperament inherent in the child by nature have a much stronger influence on his behavior than the conditioned reflexes that his parents try to instill in him.

If a mother does not want to abandon the tactics of developing conditioned reflexes in her child, she will eventually have to increase the dose of physical punishment or supplement it with moral pressure (to humiliate, scare, and oppress). Will mom get any acceptable result for herself in changing her child’s behavior from such a struggle? But her child, of course, will receive numerous mental injuries and complexes.

Often in words, the mother declares that she never beats and will not beat her own blood. But it so happens that all good intentions fly away like smoke when a mother in an attack of anger, from tiredness, irritation or any other negative emotions, is unable to resist, so as not to physically affect her child. Recovering, she begins to feel guilty in front of the baby. After all, she somehow knows how her baby feels; she herself, perhaps, once experienced all this on herself. So in such scenes, the unconscious attitudes embodied in childhood realize themselves. Indeed, with the mind, mother understands everything, but she acts anyway, just like her parents did to her.

It is good if the mother, who wants to change her scenario of relations with her child, realizes that often her good intentions and decisions to keep herself in a certain framework in critical situations do not always help. It is the tracking of such often recurring episodes that can help the mother move from automatic (unconscious) reactions to those manifestations that the mother wants to express in the presence of the child. However, it is worth considering that it is impossible to long suppress the anger, anger, irritability that every parent experiences from time to time in relation to his child. Such an internal ban on negative emotions can lead both to somatic diseases (migraines, chronic fatigue, etc.) and to sudden, seemingly unfounded outbreaks of rage and anger with varying degrees of destructive consequences. The child will perceive this as a deep injustice in relation to him. Therefore, the mother should not suppress her anger and desire to hit her child, but be aware of and recognize the right to it. And whether to beat or not to beat is up to her, depending on the situation. Better, of course, if she chooses not to hit. There are many ways to translate aggression and destructive energy into something more creative. For example, a mother understands that she wants to hit her child for something. You can say aloud your condition and your desires. And you can, for example, wash dishes, iron clothes or something else of her choice. Some mothers may object: "How will I wash the dishes when everything inside me is bubbling and raging because this tomboy is doing this?" In this case, you can break a couple of plates, and wash the remaining ones. A healthy humor, and the realization that there are no ideal children and no ideal parents, will help find a way out for any destructive energy.

Also, each parent should understand that his own life filled with positive, creativity, joy and development will destroy any negative within the family in general, and in relations with the child in particular.

An acute desire to hit your own child can often be regarded as a symptom of an internal psychological or emotional disorder and distress in the person himself.

Family for a child is a small model of society in which he will have to someday live independently. Relations in the family is a kind of exercise machine for the baby. They can teach him in the family that if someone offends you, makes you angry or deliberately annoys you, you can (as a last measure of defense!) Hit your offender. There are families where children do not dare to defend themselves from the attacks of adults and older children. And then they cannot repulse offenders in kindergarten, school. The child becomes a potential object for ridicule, insult. And in a critical situation outside the family, the child is completely defenseless against violence. Those. motto: “Children must not be beaten!” elevated to absolute, can serve poorly in the formation of ways of self-defense in the child himself.

On the other hand, if parents allow themselves to show some form of force in relation to the child, then they should not be offended and taken seriously if the child hits her in the back of the head with a slap. Thus, he defends his dignity and, therefore, can defend him in communication with other people.

The most effective way to get away from forceful interaction with your child is to transfer the relationship from the position of "adult-junior", "educator-student" to the position of friendship and cooperation. This is a difficult path requiring the participation of all family members. But parents walking along this path are unlikely to raise a hand for a little friend who is being overcome. And if she rises, the child will forgive and understand that her mother is very tired and also upset by something. Everything in life happens ...

Discussion

Sometimes I spank a child, but without anger, more to reach out to him when he does not want to hear.

In connection with the topic of this article, one episode from the book of Carlos Castaneda's Journey to Ixtlan was recalled.
I will bring him here in full. Another look that is called ...

“Don Juan and I just sat and chatted about this and that, and I told him about one of my friends who had serious problems with his nine-year-old son. For the past four years, the boy lived with his mother, and then his father took him to him and immediately but I came up with a question: what to do with the child? According to my friend, he could not study at school because he was not interested in anything, and besides, the boy was completely unable to concentrate. Often the child was irritated for no apparent reason, behaved aggressively and even somewhat ko once tried to escape from the house.

Yes, “indeed, a problem,” don Juan grinned.

I wanted to tell him something else about the "tricks" of the child, but don Juan cut me off.

Enough. It is not for us to judge his actions. Poor baby!

It was said quite sharply and firmly. But then don Juan smiled.

But what does my friend do anyway? I asked.

The worst he can do is make the child agree, don Juan said.

What do you mean?

In no case should a father scold or spank a boy when he does not do what is required of him or behaves badly.

Yes, but if you do not show firmness, then how can you at least teach a child something?

Let your friend have someone else spank the child.

Don Juan's proposal surprised me.

Why, he will not allow anyone to even touch a finger with him!

He definitely liked my reaction. He grinned and said:

Your friend is not a warrior. If he were a warrior, he would have known that in relations with human beings nothing could be worse and more useless than direct confrontation.

And what does a warrior, don Juan, do in such cases?

The warrior acts strategically.

Anyway, I don’t understand what you want to say.

But here: if your friend was a warrior, he would help his son stop the world.

How?

To do this, he would need personal strength. He must be a magician.

But he is not a magician.

In this case, it is necessary that the picture of the world that the boy is used to change. And in this he can be helped by conventional means. This is not a stop to the world, but they will probably work no worse.

I asked to explain. Don Juan said:

In the place of your friend, I would hire someone to spank the kid. I would have looked around the slums thoroughly and found there a man of the most terrible appearance.

That he scared the baby?

Stupid you, just scaring in this case is not enough. The child must be stopped, but the father will not achieve anything if he will scold him or beat him. To stop a person, you need to “push” him hard. However, he himself needs to remain out of the apparent connection with factors and circumstances directly related to this pressure. Only then can pressure be controlled.

The idea seemed ridiculous to me, but there was something in it.

Don Juan sat with his left hand leaning on a box and propping his chin with his palm. His eyes were closed, but eyeballs moved under the eyelids, as if he was still looking at me. I felt uneasy, and I said:

Maybe you still explain in more detail what to do to my friend?

Let him go to the slums and find the most terrible bastard, only younger and stronger.

Then don Juan laid out a rather strange plan that my friend should follow. It is necessary to make sure that during the next walk with the child, the hired type follows them or waits for them in the appointed place.

At the first misconduct of the son, the father will give a sign, the tramp will jump out of the ambush, grab the boy and peel off as it should.

And then let the father as he can calm the boy and help him recover. I think three or four times will be enough to drastically change the boy’s attitude to everything that surrounds him. The picture of the world will be different for him.

But fear will not hurt him? Do not cripple the psyche?

Fright does not harm anyone. If anything that cripples our spirit, then these are just constant nit-picking, slap in the face and instructions on what to do and what not.

When the boy becomes manageable enough, you will tell your friend one more thing, the last; let him find a way to show the son of a dead child. Somewhere in a hospital or morgue. And let the boy touch the corpse. With your left hand, anywhere except the abdomen. After that, he will become a different person and will never be able to perceive the world in the same way as before.

And then I realized that all these years, don Juan used a similar tactic to me. On a different scale, under different circumstances, but with the same principle at the core. I asked if this was so, and he confirmed, saying that from the very beginning he tried to teach me how to “stop the world.”

01/25/2011 23:32:11, reader.ru

Why do we beat (spank) our children? And how not to do it

Very often I meet posts on mom forums, with the words "... my child doesn’t understand anything ... I say not to do it, he does it, he hysterics, he stamps his feet, I’ll fuck him, he’ll hysteria even more ...."

I will tell you my experience in raising my daughter. I’ll immediately make a reservation that experience is only mine and this is not a guide to action.

To begin with, my daughter is 3.6 years old. During her short life, the daughter experienced a lot. And the divorce of parents, and moving to another country with a different language, and going to school, and a new team.

And here it was either attempts at rebellion, or a crisis of 3 years. But we had flying remotes, at the word NO or NOT, rolling tantrums and laying on the floor / ground, if you did not buy something. But even in such periods, I could very rarely slap my daughter when she already physically hurt me, more often I started to leave her and raise my voice. I’m very ashamed of this now and I understand that my daughter, it turns out, is older and smarter than me.

But then I watched a couple of times how all her tantrums and demands were solved by my husband. He never raised his voice; there was no question of slapping. I watched and analyzed for a long time both the husband’s behavior and the daughter’s behavior, and this is what I understood:

1. We cry and beat the children, not because they do not understand, but because we do not know how to explain, because we consider them children. For many, the point of view is that I am a parent, I know better what a child needs.

But no one knows better than the child what he needs. It is clear that any child has an age when he needs everything at once. In this situation, we provided the daughter with a choice of two desirable things.

I began to speak with my daughter, as with myself. None of us are better than worse ... we are equal. I stopped talking with my daughter on the run or down.

And after some time my daughter changed. She became obedient ... not even ... she learned how to properly express her emotions, she learned to voice her feelings and anxieties.

2. We cry and beat the children, because most often our bad mood and our problems with my husband, with my mother-in-law, etc. we take out on the child, even for his smallest offense ...

Yes, and this happened to me too ... but then I realized that my daughter was not to blame, that she had a relationship with her husband ... and my daughter was the only person who was always there and always supported and did not let me get depressed.

I removed aggression from the tone of conversation with her, and now I hear many times a day: Mom, I love you and feel the hug of little hands.

3. We shout, scolding children for material things. How many times on the street have you watched a picture when a mother screams to her child: get out of the puddle, do not go into the mud, throw the stick away. And if the child does not follow the instructions 3-4 times, he gets the priest and he is dragged out of the puddle sharply or the stick is taken.

You know, I remember the situation, we walk with my daughter on the street, my daughter collects all the puddles on her way ... I am screaming behind her ... Look in front of the puddle, we ran together ... and we ran holding hands, and near the puddle I warned her that the puddle can be deep, therefore very neat. And so I ran through another puddle, my daughter stopped to jump in it. A woman passed by and turned to her daughter and said: What good mother you are, does not scold that you are running through the puddles. Me: We run together. My task is to help my daughter explore the world. And things are washed, dried, bathed, and knowledge is a contribution to the future of the child.

And you know then my daughter went through this stage to climb into all the puddles in a row. As they say the forbidden fruit is sweet.

How did I overcome the urge to scream or slap in myself, but easy ... I realized that a slap could not improve the situation and scream too. It is unlikely that you asked the child not to do something 10 times, and he continues to do it, after your scream (which is most likely to frighten) or a slap, the child will do what you want. On the contrary, he will have even more hysteria and the mess in the house will increase ... simply because the child does not know how to protect himself from a person twice as old as himself and how to express his emotions ... therefore, the child can only cry and hysteria with throwing things.

Therefore, dear mothers, we are parents, and our task is to create a happy childhood for children and learn how to live, and in order to complete our task 150% we must learn to see one step ahead and be equal in the family with all its members, even those who still walk under the table on foot !

Patience and prudence to you, mothers!