Parenting is a rather delicate process, not without roughness. Often a wall of misunderstanding arises between parents and their children, and each side is confident that the truth is behind it. The child is rightly offended that the parents do not take into account his interests, do not respond to his requests, and mom and dad are perplexed why the baby only snaps at their “care” and is gloomy silent. Hence, an endless series of naughty phrases, silent insults and slamming doors in the communication of children with their parents.

Unfortunately, this atmosphere prevails in many families. And the more stubbornly everyone bends his line, the more stress is brought into family relationships. Definitely, the culprits of such situations are the parents. They, as wise and adult people, should take the right pedagogical step towards emotionally immature children.

Our society is mired in monstrous stereotypes with which it is convenient for us to live, because raising our voices for children, instructing and patronizing them are our parental habits.

Talking with children, we automatically utter the usual phrases, without thinking about their true meaning and impact on the growing personality.

This article breaks down all pedagogical stereotypes that make parents and children unable to find a common language. Change the tactics of communication with your child - and you will feel the true magic of parental influence. Scroll our tips and tricks on your mustache and remember how to talk with your child correctly.

You will need:

Talk in a whisper

Whispers are a worthy alternative to shouts, threats, and any manifestations of parental indignation. Children very sensitively feel when mom and dad are exhausted and you can win over them - when parents scream at the child.

If you are trying to reach out to a stubborn child and unwittingly raise your voice because of emotions, the child will not hear you, much less listen to your advice and requests. And all because he will defend himself at a subconscious level from your screams and direct his energy not at all to the perception of information.

Therefore, children are more likely to respond to intonation in a conversation, rather than to its content. They can perceive the meaning of what has been said only in a calm and comfortable atmosphere.

Give your stubborn naughty boy a warm look, bend to his ear and mysteriously whisper a prepared instructive phrase. This will require great self-control from you, but the result will pleasantly surprise you.

"Now I am leaving, and you stay!"This is a phrase that is consonant in the consciousness of a child with betrayal. The wild fear that grips the child at the sight of the departing parent makes him forget about all the exciting games, discoveries, interesting surroundings and rush after him. Parents, take pity on defenseless children!

"Let me do it myself."  The irritation that is heard behind this phrase tells the child that he is not capable of anything. Constantly repeating these words, one day the parents will see their child, completely indifferent to everything and not wanting to take up any work, because he is complete mediocrity.

"I told you!"  Instead of supporting your child at the time of failure, mom or dad pronounces this phrase meaningfully. What does the child feel? Pain, resentment, sometimes irritation.

Parents who like to take revenge on children in this way, remember: emphasizing their innocence once again makes the child believe in their imperfection.

How will he grow up after that? It’s better to tell him more often that you are an earthly person who makes his mistakes.

"Lets go faster!"Do you think that from this phrase the child will really finish his affairs faster? It’s just the opposite: in a hurry and worry, the baby can mix up something, forget it, hesitate even more. And if an agitated parent says such a phrase to a phlegmatic person who by nature cannot do anything quickly, then he might think that his stubborn child simply does not respond to his words. Here is a reason for another conflict.

To avoid this, allocate spare time and give the child the opportunity to do everything at a convenient pace for him.

And if you can’t comment without comment, it’s better to say what you need to do step by step.

“It's not worth the worry,” “don't cry!”Do not diminish the meaning of the feelings and emotions of the little man - from this he will only move away from you. You must be imbued with his problems to the core and understand his emotions. By the way, children have the right to tears, because they perfectly relieve stress. Do not take the crying of the child as an irritant.

Look at him differently - through the eyes of a loving and understanding parent. Hug your afflicted child and sympathize with him.

Replace the word "no"

It is not hard to guess what emotions a categorical “no” negligently abandoned by parents causes - annoyance, disappointment, resentment, anger ... The child understands that the rest is emptiness. There will be no walk, sweets, cartoon and many more things that he had hoped for! And if the baby is hungry or tired, then these three cruel letters can easily provoke a lingering tantrum, because the word "no" can be compared with a red rag that magically acts on the bull. Therefore, quickly remove this word from your communication with the child. In most cases, it can be replaced by a saving “maybe”.

When you say “maybe” or “see”, the child has hope: what if parents change their minds? This is a great motivation for your child.

If you remove the toys - let's go for a walk. If you eat soup, you get a cake. As a result, the child is not just motivated, but learns to bear responsibility for the consequences of his actions.

However, there are situations when a ban still remains a ban. Even in such cases, avoid this hated three-letter word. Be a diplomat and show that you understand and share the suffering of your unhappy child. Let your child know that he has the right to his opinion (“You really think that we should buy you a player. I perfectly understand your desire”), and it is correct.

In a calm, short and confident tone, explain to the child why you refuse him. The younger the child, the shorter the explanations.

Another interesting psychological trick is fantasizing about the fulfillment of desire. Sit back with your child and dream up, "what a great player he is holding in his hands now." From such indirect support on your part, he will be a little distracted and calm down, directing energy to other, more pleasant thoughts.

Apologize

Parents are not gods. They, like children, make mistakes and learn all their lives (and in some ways, even from their children). And they make a huge number of mistakes in the educational process. Therefore, there is nothing wrong with admitting guilt and asking for forgiveness from the child.

After all, this is the most effective method of education. In addition, ideal parents are a constant “annoying factor” for children: they see their imperfection and put up with the thought that they can never be equal to their mother or father. This is where a huge gulf and alienation between generations of fathers and children begins.

It would seem a natural process of communication with one's own child, but it can turn into a real test when mutual understanding is lost. What happens between parents and baby? Why is everything changing?

Friendly communication is the basis of parental love

Many psychologists and educators come to the conclusion that parents do not know the basic techniques of communicating with children. To improve their literacy, it is necessary to read special literature.

Type of communication by age

From the moment of birth to 2 years, parents practically conduct a monologue with their beloved child. At 2-3 years, the child realizes himself as a person. At this moment, the child's character is formed, he clearly expresses his dissatisfaction with what he does not like. During this period, it is necessary to perceive the child as a person. Ask the child for an opinion; if something is not to his liking, then try to correct the situation.

Communication begins with an understanding of the condition of the child. If you master this tactic, then everything will turn out well in relations with children. If you experience difficulties in communication, try to adhere to the following recommendations.

  If the child does not want to listen, find out the reason

  Julia Gippenreiter's Books on Communication

Love, care and indifference

Your thoughts and actions must be permeated by unconditional parental love. Only in this case, all communication will be built on a disinterested feeling. All the aspirations and actions that a person performs while in a state of love will necessarily lead to success. It is unlikely that a loving parent will begin the conversation with the phrase: "Will you get it from me now?" The mood of the parent is indicated, the child has prepared for defense, now he is only defending himself. Try to avoid such statements in communication with children.

  What is unconditional acceptance

Absolute indifference is not welcome, it is important to understand the difference between calm and frank indifference. Your indifference plays a detrimental role, the child closes, it is almost impossible to get in touch in such a situation.

Methods of personal communication with your child

A conversation with a child needs to start with eye contact, if the situation is calm, you can get in touch. True emotions are transmitted through interactions, try to overcome irritation and negativity, take a step towards a meeting from the bottom of your heart.

Try not to use the particle “not” in speech, it gives a negative connotation to the whole speech. Until you throw out the trash, you will not clean up the room, you will not go to the store for bread. It is preferable to say when you take out the trash, you can play with the guys.

Praise your child for real success. Some parents go to extremes, some confine themselves to stingy praise once a year, others bow to the child for committing daily activities. It is important to specify the criteria for the success of the child, if the achievement is real, then do not skimp on the praise. Such a position will form an adequate self-esteem in the child.

And finally. Try to learn the culture of speech - children copy our habits. If the child constantly hears speech errors, then he subconsciously copies them. You are the best example - it is a great honor and great responsibility.

Strange as it may seem, working mothers are better at building dialogues with their children - because time pressure organizes a person, and they only have a few minutes before going to bed, for which you have to have a lot to say and hear. Julia Sonina and speech therapist Natalia Perel - on how and what to talk with a child

Chekhov has a story about communication with a child. It is called "Home." About the prosecutor of the district court and his seven-year-old son, Serezha. One evening, when the prosecutor comes home from work, the governess tells him that Seryozha climbed into his father’s table, took tobacco and smoked. For educational purposes, the prosecutor has long been trying by all means to convey to his son how bad it is for his health, what the consequences of climbing into someone else's table can be and what property is - all for nothing. The case ends with the prosecutor telling his son a fairy tale about the prince, who smoked, smoked and died of consumption. And this permeates the son. Shocked Seryozha promises not to smoke anymore.

An approach to a person can always be found - there would be a desire. Typically, the child is open to communication. He always has an anecdote in his reserve about the Frenchman, the German, and the Russian who fly in an airplane. This joke, endless, like the “Foresight Saga”, can be retold as many times as you like without changing a single word in it. Until mom sends him to dad in the evening, provoking a debate about who is more tired - dad is at work or mom is also at work first, and then all evening alone with a child, a Frenchman, a German and a Russian. No matter how tired this chatter is to parents, the child cannot be turned off. You need to get used to his twitter, ideally, to learn how to enjoy him. Not only children, people, in principle, it is important to be able to talk - to express their thoughts and feelings. And feelings are even more important. Perhaps this is the secret of family happiness.

Another story - introverted children. There is nothing wrong. It will just be harder with such a child. You never know what is in his soul. Is he satisfied Not satisfied And if not satisfied, then with what? Introvert parents who find it difficult to talk with children are no easier. From time to time, posts like: “The speech therapist told me that I need to talk to the child, but I can’t. I'm not very talkative at all. ” Here we must be able to step through ourselves. Especially if the child does not go to kindergarten. Home education implies that a child learns the world through his mother, grandmother or nanny, who sits with him. This is a big responsibility, and you should understand that you need to talk with the child, and a lot. Speech is the highest psycho-function. Our world is arranged in such a way that we communicate with the help of language - we formulate thoughts, convey emotions. And this is not as simple as it seems at first glance.

Do not train

When talking with a child, there is no need to play a teacher with a capital letter. Step on the throat of your pedagogical song. The child is the same person as you. Only he has less experience. And this is a big plus. No adult will listen to you with such attention. So try to be an interesting conversationalist.

Give an example

An adult can sometimes not express how he feels, and it is a million times more difficult for a child to do this. So your question is “what could you not say?” - rhetorical. Could not. The child needs to be taught to speak. At the age of three, he is unlikely to be able to figure out where the cafe is in the cafe himself or ask the saleswoman in the stall how much the ice cream costs. He needs to be given a ready-made speech model and the opportunity, if anything, to hide behind your beautiful skirt: “Come and say:“ How much does your popsicle cost? ” Or, you want, this time I ask, and you look - and ask the next? ” The main thing is not to push, to leave the retreat.

Find a topic

Oddly enough, the questions from the series “What is your homework for tomorrow?” or "Where did you get your jacket dirty?" not very conducive to conversation. There is a list of more friendly topics:

• How was your day?
• What was interesting?
• What did you do during the break?
• What was fed for breakfast?
• What did you play? Will you teach? Explain the rules.
• Who are you friends with?

Be silent

The child has the right to silence. He must be respected.

Have fun together

They bring together the general impression of going to football, to the dentist or to visit grandmother. Speech constructions like “Do you remember how ...” and “Did you see how she ...” help to establish contact even with strangers.

Create a ritual

It is not necessary to talk with the child 24 hours a day with a break for sleep and food. Exhausted precisely smeared action. In order to save energy, set aside a certain time and place for intimate conversations. For example, 15 minutes on the way to kindergarten or school. Or half an hour in the nursery before going to bed. Every day, with the phone turned off. You can still pat it on the head.

Do not copy it slang

Unlike young children who see adults as role models, teens want to differentiate from us. Do not try to speak their language and play girlfriends. This will be regarded as a seizure of territory.

Play the drama

Communicating with children, we often use the method, which in psychology is called "monodrama." When a child chooses a toy for himself, which will be “him” in the game, and dad or mom, using other toys, play all the other roles. You can just play anything. You can play different instructive situations. For example, "How I stole a car from Sasha and why I shouldn’t do that."

Tutta Larsen, TV and radio presenter, son of Luke (9 years old), daughter of Martha (5 years old)

I am at home a little, but when I am with children, I belong to them to the fullest. If they say something, I listen. Full conversations so far are obtained only with Luke. It’s enough for Martha to read a bedtime story and kiss, and Luke has questions. He wants a dialogue. Usually we communicate with him while he takes a bath before going to bed. This is a good time and atmosphere when you can talk about the important without fuss. That is, the conversation begins as if about nothing, and then it turns out that it is about the important. Recently, the topic of sex arose. Our dog began to estrus, and the son was worried that she was dying. I explained everything to him. He thought for a couple of days and asked the following question: “Does it happen in people?” I said: "Yes, if the woman is not pregnant." After a couple of days, he asked why people do such and such. And when I said that this is called sex and people do it so that they have children, my son remembered my words. When he was little, I said that children are born from kisses. And what should I say to a four-year-old child? He did not like the new version. He said: “Fu! Muck! I will never do this. ” No, no, no. He will grow up and understand that sex is not disgust, but joy. Then he went to the cottage, where, as usual, he played and rode a bicycle with his friend and peer Dani. And when he returned home, he asked: “Mom, is there sex with two women?”

Ksenia Kesoyan, sons of Leo (13 years old), David (6 years old)

When Leva was small, he began any dialogue with the words: “Let me tell you something funny.” Then followed a story about anything, but it is imperative that everyone laughs at the end. Actually, he immediately warned about this. And we were touched and praised: “Well done what a - such a funny story! Ahaha. " If today I ask Leva the question “how are things at school?”, I will most likely hear “normal” in response. The more questions on the topic of study, the more formal and tough the conversation becomes. When I want full communication, I can hint: “Here in one blog they made the top of the best rock ballads of all time, and there, you imagine, there is not a single Led Zeppelin song at all.” And the next hour and a half we will chat animatedly. Moreover, Leva will speak, and I will deal with the fact that in the language of fans of The Big Bang Theory is called "empathic listening." To talk the younger David, you need to ask "Do you think Cyril can craft a cake?" and then for a long time to listen to what they ate in kindergarten, who got sick, who is new. And, most importantly, I understand that everything is fine - they are happy with life.

I will tell you a story

Storytelling (storytelling) is a theatrical genre, literally "storytelling." In fact, it is much more difficult than reading a book aloud, but also much more interesting. Especially if the narrator does this informally and targetedly, involving the listeners in the process. Try this: you compose a fairy tale up to a point, the child repeats the last phrase after you and continues on. “And Vanya went wherever his eyes were.” This can be done by the whole family - for example, when you sit in a car in a terrible traffic jam. Everything is better than swearing.

Anna Ilyina, daughter Sonya (5 years old)

In our family, for the last 200 years, only girls are born and only talkative. It's not a problem. This is a tradition. Several generations of parents have tried to neutralize this talkativeness, or at least wrap it to their advantage. While I was saying something, it was the same as long as there was a sound, my mother could calmly do household chores. All Skodes - inverted teapots and broken vases - I made in silence. Therefore, my sound suited my mom. And in the case when it was necessary to shut me up quickly for several minutes to make a call, for example, by phone, my mother used a simple method. She sat me down on a stool and ordered me to put down my “lips with a bow” and sit like that for a minute. Because then I will ever form a beautiful mouth. My mouth has grown like a mouth, but the reception is good - I already tested it on my daughter.

Oksana Ioffe, daughter Irina (9 years old), son Andrei (5 years old)

I noticed that my children like to listen to stories about themselves. The theme “how small I was” is especially fond of the son. “How did you know that I will be with you?” What did you say when you first saw me? How did you understand that I am your son, and not someone else's? ” We often talk on this topic, and I noticed that it is very important to adhere to the "canonical" text. Since the details of the story, many times repeated, he remembers literally and perceives any deviations painfully. It seems to be unnerving him, introducing chaos into the once and for all rebuilt picture of the world. There is also the topic "how small were you?" Modern children, even the most advanced, in my observation, are poorly oriented in time. For them, that 1985, that 1895 is about the same thing. Infinite far. And the stories of eyewitnesses from those prehistoric times, children listen with bated breath. They ask a lot of questions, they are amazed, they remember some details for a long time. I once said that in my early childhood, farmers came to the market in carts, and I really surprised everyone. My modern children do not even believe in the theoretical possibility of such a thing - horses in the streets. But it’s normal for them to ask: “What was your favorite computer game?”, “What was your game console”, “What was your favorite arcade game machine?” And to be horrified to hear that I didn’t even have a VCR and on a weekday the cartoon could only be seen in the program "Good night, kids."

Simple rules to keep your kids happy

Hippenreiter’s book was based on the ideas of Thomas Gordon, as set out in his books Parental Activity Training (1970) and Teacher Activity Training (1975). The book is supplemented by ideas and practical applications developed by other authors in foreign and domestic psychology (from domestic scientists - primarily L.S. Vygotsky, A.N. Leontyev, P.Ya. Galperin).

Psychologists discovered a very important regularity: most of those parents who seek psychological help about difficult children themselves suffered from conflicts with their parents in childhood.

Specialists concluded that the style of parental interaction is involuntarily “recorded” (imprinted) in the psyche of the child. This happens very early, even in preschool years, and, as a rule, unconsciously.

As an adult, a person reproduces it as natural: most parents raise their children the way they were raised in childhood.

“Nobody fiddled with me, and nothing, grew up,” says Papa, not noticing that he grew up just a man who does not consider it necessary and does not know how to deal with his son, establish warm friendly relations with him.

Another part of parents is more or less aware of exactly what the correct upbringing is, but in practice it is experiencing difficulties. It happens that theoretical knowledge hurts parents: they learn that they are doing “everything is wrong”, trying to behave in a new way, quickly “breaking down”, lose confidence in their abilities, blame and stigmatize themselves, and even pour annoyance on the children .

From all that has been said, it should be concluded: parents should not only be educated, but also teach ways to communicate with children properly.

Lesson I. Unconditional Acceptance

Definitely take a baby  - it means to love him not because he is handsome, intelligent, capable, excellent student, etc., but just like that, just because he is!

Parents say: “If you are good, then I will love you.” Or: “Do not expect good from me until you stop ... (being lazy, fighting, being rude), you will not start ... (studying well, helping around the house).”

In these phrases they directly tell the child that he is conditionally accepted, that he is loved or will be loved,    "if only...".

The reason for the evaluative attitude towards children lies in the firm belief that rewards and punishments are the main educational means. Praise the child - and he will be strengthened in good, will punish - and evil will recede. But there is a pattern: The more the child is scolded, the worse it becomes.

If, despite pranks, you love children, they will grow up and give up bad habits and actions. They will always respect themselves, they will have a sense of inner peace and balance. This will allow them to control their behavior and reduce anxiety.

Otherwise (if you love children only when they are obedient, make you happy), the children will not feel sincere love, they will become insecure, this will lower their self-esteem, lead to inferiority, and may prevent them from developing for the better, children will think that they It is useless to try to please adults.

Psychologists have proven that the need for love, for belonging, that is, the need for another, one of the fundamental human needs. Her satisfaction is a necessary condition for the normal development of the child. This need is met when you tell the child that he is dear to you, needed, important, that he is just good. Such messages are contained in friendly looks, gentle touches, direct words.

Rejoice at your child. Close your eyes for a moment and imagine that you are meeting your best friend. How do you show that you are glad to him that he is dear and close to you?

Now it will be easier for you to do this in fact, to all sorts of other words and questions: your own child comes home from school and you show that you are glad to see him. Well, if everyone continues this meeting in the same vein for a few more minutes.

Hug your baby at least 4 times a day  (morning greetings and a kiss for the night does not count). 4 hugs are absolutely necessary for everyone just for survival, and for good health you need at least 8 hugs per day! Not only a child, but an adult.

Sweet words . It is necessary to inform the child: “It is good that you were born with us”, “I am glad to see you”, “I like you”, “I love when you are at home”, “I feel good when we are together ...”.

We do not always follow our appeals to children: “not that”, “bad”, “annoying everyone”, “sheer punishment”, “I feel better without you”. Children literally understand us!  They are sincere in their feelings, and give absolute sincerity to any phrase spoken by adults.

Children experience resentment, loneliness, and sometimes despair. It seems to them that their parents “are not friends”, they never say “humanly”, “poke”, “yell”, they use only imperative verbs: “do it!”, “Take it away!”, “Bring it!”, “ wash it! ” The more often parents become annoyed at the child, pull, criticize him, the sooner he comes to the generalization: “They do not love me.”

The arguments of the parents: “I care about you” or “For the sake of your own good” the children do not hear. More precisely, they can hear the words, but not their meaning. They have their own, emotional, accounting.

The tone is more important than words, and if it is harsh, angry or just strict, the conclusion is always unequivocal: "They do not like me, they do not accept me." Sometimes this is framed for the child not so much in words as in feeling bad, “not so,” unhappy.

See how you manage to take your child:  during the day, count how many times you addressed the child with emotionally positive statements (joyful greeting, approval, support) and how many times with negative ones (reproach, remark, criticism). If the number of negative calls is equal to or outweighs the number of positive ones, then with communication you are not doing well.

Let's try to understand what reasons prevent parents from unconditionally accepting a child

The mood for education

“How will I hug him if he has not learned lessons yet? First discipline, and then good relations. Otherwise, I will spoil it. "

Mom from “pedagogical considerations” embarks on the path of criticism, falls into a vicious circle of discontent, conflict. Where is the mistake? A mistake at the very beginning: discipline is not before, but after the establishment of good relations, and only on the basis of them.

The child was born unplanned

Parents wanted to live “for their own pleasure”, so they don’t really need it.

They dreamed of a boy, and a girl was born.

The child is held accountable for broken marital relations

For example, a son resembles his father, gestures, facial expressions cause deaf hostility in Mayer.

Enhanced parenting

An attempt to compensate for one's life failures, unfulfilled dreams or desires, to prove to a spouse his need, irreplaceability, “the burden of burden” that one has to bear.

Lesson II. Help parents to the child. Caution!

The child does not cope on his own

What to do in cases where the child does “WRONG”, does not obey, annoys, or does something “wrong”, badly, with errors. You want to intervene, teach, show.

In general, different children react differently to parental “it is not necessary, but like this”: some are sad and lost, others are offended, others rebel: “Since it’s bad, I won’t be at all!”. It is as if the reactions are different, but they all show that children do not like such treatment.

Why? Many things seem simple to us. But when we show and impose this "simplicity" on a child who is really difficult, we are acting unfairly. A child has the right to be offended by us!

How to correctly point out errors to teach?

Knowing mistakes is useful and often necessary, but you need to point out them with special care. Firstly, do not notice every mistake; secondly, it is better to discuss the error later, in a calm environment, and not at the moment when the child is passionate about the case; finally, comments should always be made against the background of general approval.

A child is more tolerant of his mistakes than adults. He is already pleased that he is doing something. We parents want to achieve better results with comments. And it turns out often quite the opposite.

Rule 1. Do not intervene in the business that the child is engaged in unless he asks for help. By your non-intervention you will inform him: “You are all right! You can do it, of course. ”

List of independent cases

Make a list of cases for the child, with whom he, in principle, can cope independently, although not always completely.

Entrust the child with several tasks and try not to interfere with their implementation once. Encourage the efforts of the child, despite their result.

Discuss baby mistakes:  remember 2-3 mistakes, especially the annoying ones. Find the time and tone to talk about them.

Four learning outcomes

1. The knowledge that he will gain or the skill that he will master.
2. Training the general ability to learn, that is, to teach oneself (less obvious result).
3. Emotional trace from an occupation: satisfaction or disappointment, confidence or self-doubt.
4. A trace on your relationship with him, if you took part in classes. Here the result can also be either positive (they were satisfied with each other) or negative (the piggy bank of mutual discontent replenished).

Remember, parents are in danger of focusing only on the first result (learned? Learned?). In no case do not forget about the other three. They are much more important.

Do not criticize, do not correct the child. And if you also show sincere interest in his work, then you will feel how mutual respect and acceptance of each other, both necessary for you and him, will increase.

Lesson III Zone of affairs together

When a child needs help

If a child encounters a serious difficulty that it cannot cope on its own, then the position of non-intervention is not good, it can only do harm.

Rule 2. If the child is difficult and he is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him. At the same time: 1. Take on only that which he cannot do by himself, leave the rest to himself. 2. As the child learns new actions, gradually transfer them to him.

Rules 1 and 2 do not contradict each other, but simply relate to different situations. In situations where Rule 1 is applicable, the child does not ask for help and even protests when it is provided. Rule 2 is used if the child either directly asks for help, or complains that he “doesn’t get out”, “doesn’t succeed”, that he “doesn’t know how”, or even leaves the business after the first failures. Any of these manifestations is a signal that he need help.

Come on together: it’s very good to start with these words. These magic words will open the child a door to the world of new skills, knowledge, and hobbies.

Child Development Zone

This rule is based on the psychological law discovered by L.S. Vygotsky “zone of the immediate development of the child”. At each age, for each child, there is a limited range of things that he can handle himself. Outside of this circle, things are accessible to him only with the participation of an adult or inaccessible at all.

Usually children are active, and they constantly strive to take on what you do. Tomorrow the child will do what he did today with his mother. A zone of affairs together is a child’s gold reserve, his potential for the future.

The child’s desire to conquer all new “territories” of affairs is very important, and he should be protected as the apple of his eye. Be sure to note the first, even small independent successes of the child, congratulate him (and at the same time himself!).

As the child learns new actions, gradually give them to him.

How to protect the natural activity of the child? How not to hammer, not to drown her?

It turns out that parents face a double danger:

Danger 1. Too early to transfer their part to the child;

Danger 2. too long and persistent involvement of the parent.

Lesson IV. Lesson Four. “And if you don’t want to?”

About difficulties and conflicts of interaction and how to avoid them

A typical problem: the child has completely mastered many of the mandatory matters, but he does not do all this.

Reasons for “disobedience”:

1. Perhaps you have not gone with him all the necessary way. After all, it seems to you that it is easy for him alone to arrange all the toys in their places. Probably, if he asks “come together”, then this is not in vain: perhaps he still hard to organize yourself.

2. Maybe he just needs yours participation, moral support.

3. The root of negative perseverance and failure lies in negative feelings. This may be the problem of the child himself, but more often it arises between you and the child, in your relationship with him.

“I would have washed the dishes for a long time, but then my parents would have thought that they had defeated me.”

How to fix a disobedience situation?

Friendly, warm tone.  This is the main condition for success, and if your participation does not help, if the child refuses your help, stop and listen to how you communicate with him.

Communication on equal terms.  Together - it means on equal terms. Do not take a position on the child; children are very sensitive to her, and all the living forces of their soul rebel against her. Then they resist the “necessary”, disagree “with the obvious”, dispute the “indisputable”.

Method L.S. Vygodsky’s deliverance of the child and himself from “guidelines” is confirmed by scientific and practical research.

External means of organization.  A child learns to organize himself and his affairs easier and faster if he is helped at a certain stage by some external means: pictures for a reminder, a to-do list, notes, diagrams or written instructions.

Such remedies are no longer the words of an adult, they are their replacement. The child can use them independently, and then he is halfway to deal with the matter himself.

Come up with some external tool that could replace your participation in a particular child’s business. It can be an alarm clock, a rule or an agreement, a table, a list of morning things or necessary clothes in pictures, a special board on which each family member (mom, dad and two schoolchildren) can pin any message (reminders, and requests, just short information, dissatisfaction with someone or something, gratitude for something).

Overly caring parents: they want more for children than the children themselves. It happens that a parent is ready to teach or help as much as he wants and monitors his tone - he is not angry, does not order, does not criticize, but the matter does not go. Parents want something, so to speak, instead of a child. It’s hard to want when dad and mom immediately “run ahead” to any of your desires!

The combination of too much educational activity of parents and infantility, i.e. immaturity, children - typically and naturally. Why?

The personality and abilities of the child develop only in the activity that he is engaged in at his own request and with interest.

“You can drag a horse into the water, but you cannot make it drink,” the wise saying goes. The more persistent a parent is, the less attractive will be even the most interesting, useful and necessary school subject.

For love or money?  Faced with the reluctance of the child to do something appropriate for him — to study, read, help around the house — some parents embark on the path of “bribery”. They agree to “pay” the child (money, things, pleasures) if he does what they want from him.

This path is very dangerous, not to mention that it is not very effective. Usually, the matter ends with the child’s claims growing - he begins to demand more and more - and the promised changes in his behavior do not occur.

Why? To understand the reason, we need to get acquainted with a very subtle psychological mechanism, which only recently became the subject of special research by psychologists. In one experiment, a group of students began to pay for a puzzle game, which they enthusiastically engaged in. Soon students of this group began to play much less often than those of their comrades who did not receive any pay.

The mechanism that is here, as well as in many similar cases (everyday examples and scientific research) is as follows: a person successfully and enthusiastically engages in what he chooses, according to his inner impulse.   If he knows that he will receive a fee or reward for this, then his enthusiasm is reduced, and all his activity changes his character: now he is not engaged in “personal creativity”, but “in making money”.

How to avoid situations and conflicts of coercion?

Conflict of coercion occurs when the child does not do what is “necessary”, and this spoils the mood of both. How to get things done?

First of all, it is worth taking a closer look at what your child is most fond of. Some activities seem empty, even harmful. However, remember: for him they are important and interesting and should be treated with respect. Even better, if you can take part in these classes, share his passion.

It is good if your child tells you what exactly in these matters is interesting and important for him, and you can look at them with his eyes, as if from within his life, avoiding advice and evaluations. It is very good if you can take part in these activities of the child, to share with him from the hobby. In such cases, children are very grateful to their parents.

There will be another result of such participation: in the wake of your child’s interest, you can begin to pass on to him what you think is useful: additional knowledge, life experience, your own view of things, and even interest in reading.

Many classes offered by children by parents or teachers, and even with demands and reproaches: they do not survive. At the same time they are good “Grafted” to existing hobbies.

Rule 3. Gradually, but steadily take off your care and responsibility for the personal affairs of your child and transfer them to him.

Transferring responsibility for your deeds, actions, and then your future life is the greatest concern you can take towards them. This care is wise. She makes the child stronger and more confident, and your relationship - more calm and joyful.

Take a piece of paper, divide it vertically in half “Self” “Together”. List all cases together by agreement. See what you can move from the “Together” column to “Self.” Remember, each such room is an important step to growing up a child.

The process of transferring responsibility to the child of his work is very difficult. It must begin with little things. But even about these little things, parents are very worried, because you have to risk the temporary well-being of your child.

Rule 4. If this does not threaten life or health, allow your child to face the unpleasant negative consequences of his actions (or inaction). Only then will he become conscious.

We have to consciously let the children make mistakes so that they learn to be independent.

It is not always necessary to help the child with business: sometimes you can just sit next to, listen. You can even help in silence.

“And if, in spite of all my sufferings, nothing happens: he (she) does not want anything, does not do it, is at war with us, and we can’t stand it?” - Be patient and continue to follow the rules! The result will be, do not lose hope.

Lesson V. Active Listening

When a child is upset, offended, failed, when he is hurt, ashamed, scared, when he was treated rudely, unfairly, when he is very tired, with practical actions - to show, teach, direct - you will not help him.

If the child has an emotional problem, he must be actively listened to. Actively listening to the child means “returning” to him in conversation what he told you, while indicating, calling “by name” his feeling or experience.

You can not leave the child alone with his experiences. After all, with their advice and criticisms, the parents seem to inform the child that his experience is unimportant, it is not taken into account.

You need to make him understand what you know about his experience (condition), “hear him.” Responses to the method of active listening show that the parent understood the child’s internal situation, is ready to hear more about her, to accept her.

Such a literal sympathy of the parent makes a very special impression on the child. Parents who demanded to “voice” the feeling of the child talk about unexpected, miraculous results.

Conversation rules on the method of active listening.

1. If you want to listen to a child, be sure to turn to face him.

2. It is important that him and yours eyes were on the same level.

Your position in relation to him and your posture are the first and most powerful signals about how much you are ready to listen to him and hear.

3. If you are talking with an upset or distressed child, don't ask him questions. It is advisable that your answers sound in affirmative.

Son (with a grim look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
  Parent: You were very offended by him.

This phrase is successful. She shows that the parent tuned in to the “emotional wave” of his son, that he hears and accepts his chagrin. "What happened?" or "Are you offended by him?" - phrases are framed as a question and do not reflect sympathy.

4. Very important in conversation “Pause”. After each replica, it is best to remain silent.

This time belongs to the child; do not clog it with your thoughts and comments. A pause helps the child understand his experience and more fully feel that you are nearby. Silence is good even after the child answers - maybe he will add something. If the child’s eyes are not looking at you, but to the side or into the distance, then keep silent, a very important and necessary internal work takes place in it.

5. If the child has provided enough information, sometimes useful to repeat what, as you understand, happened to the child, and then to indicate - name “by name” his feeling or experience in the affirmative form.

Sometimes parents have a fear that the child will perceive the repetition of his words as a mimicry. This can be avoided by using other words with the same meaning.

SON (with a grim look): I won’t hang out with Petya anymore!
  FATHER: You do not want to be friends with him anymore. (Repetition of what he heard).
  SON: Yes, I don’t want to ...
  FATHER (after a pause): You are offended by him ... (Designation of feeling).

Of course, it may happen that in the answer you did not exactly guess the event that happened or the feeling of the child. Do not be embarrassed, in the next phrase he will correct you. Be attentive to its amendment and show that you have accepted it.

Possible feelings:  you were upset and you were upset, you were hurt and you were angry, you were embarrassed and annoyed, you were scared.

Conversation Results by Active Listening Method

Conversation on the method of active listening is very unusual for our culture, and it is not easy to conduct it. However, this method will quickly win your sympathy when you see the results that it gives:

1. The negative experience of the child disappears or wanes. A wonderful pattern: shared joy doubles, shared grief is halved.

2. The child, making sure that the adult is ready to listen to him, begins to talk more about himself. Sometimes in one conversation a whole tangle of problems and distress suddenly unwinds. How often do we leave children alone with the burden of worries, at a time when a few minutes of hearing would calm the child.

3. The child himself advances in solving his problem. Positive results can be found already during the conversation with active listening to the child. Gradually, parents begin to discover more general changes.

Children are transformed:  Parents report, as a miracle, that the children themselves quite quickly begin to actively listen to them.

Parents are transforming:  parents notice something new in themselves; become more sensitive to the needs and sorrows of the child, it is easier to accept his "negative" feelings. Parents begin to find more patience in themselves, less annoyance, it is better to see how and why the child is feeling bad. Many parents say that active listening helped them first get in touch with their children.

Is it obligatory when listening to a child to respond with detailed phrases? Not at all necessary. Sometimes children without closing their mouths tell about everything that happened. Then all the child needs is your presence and attention. Psychologists called this method “Passive listening”  - passive, of course, only externally. It uses short phrases and words, interjections, just facial expressions that indicate that you are listening and responding to children's feelings: "Yes, yes ...", "Yeah!", "Really?", "Tell me more ...", " It’s interesting, ”“ You said so! ”,“ That's it ... ”,“ And what? ”,“ Great! ”,“ Well, it’s necessary! .. ”, etc. Short words are also relevant in the story about negative experiences.

And how to listen to a child, if there is no time? How to interrupt it?  If once, it’s better not to start. You need to have some time. From the begun and interrupted attempts to listen to the child, he can only get disappointed. Worst of all, if a well-started conversation abruptly breaks off by the parent. Upon the recurrence of such cases, the child can only grow distrust of his father, and he will begin to evaluate attempts at an active hearing as a way to gain confidence in him, so that he can hit harder later. Such mistakes are especially dangerous if you still have not had good contact with the child, and you are only taking the first steps.

A common misconception by parents that active listening is a way to get what you want from your child (for example, get them to do homework).  Not at all, active listening is the way to establish better contact with the child, a way to show that you unconditionally accept him with all his refusals, troubles, experiences. If the child suspects that you are planning in some new way to influence him “in your favor”, then the resistance to your attempts will only increase.

Lesson VI. 12 vs one

Interference with Active Listening

Psychologists have identified the types of traditional parental statements (automatic answers), which are real obstacles to the active listening of the child.

1. Orders, commands:  “Stop it now!”, “Take it away!”, “Take out the bucket!”, “Quickly to bed!”, “So that I don’t hear this again!”, “Shut up!”.
  In these categorical phrases, the child hears the parents' reluctance to delve into his problem, feels disrespect for his independence. Such words evoke a feeling of powerlessness, and even abandonment "in trouble."

In response, children usually resist, “mumble”, take offense, and stubbornly.

2. Warnings, warnings, threats: “If you don’t stop crying, I’ll leave”, “Look how it would not get worse”, “Once again this will happen again, and I will take up the belt!”, “Do not come on time, blame yourself.”

Threats are meaningless if the child has an unpleasant experience right now. They only drive him into a greater impasse.

With frequent recurrence of threats, children get used to them, stop responding to them. Then parents move from words to deeds, from weak punishments to stronger, sometimes cruel ones (belt).

3. Morality, moralizing, sermons:“You must behave as you should,” “Everyone must work,” “You must respect adults.”

The endless repetition of “one hundred and first time” phrases that have passed is usually nothing. Children feel the pressure of external authority, sometimes blame, sometimes boredom, and most often all taken together.

The fact is that children are brought up not so much with words as with the atmosphere in the house. If everyone in the family works, refrain from harsh words, do not lie, share their homework, be sure the child knows how to behave properly.

If the child violates the “norm of behavior”, then it is worthwhile to see if someone is also behaving in the family. If this reason disappears, then most likely your child “goes beyond” because of his internal disorder, emotional distress. In both cases, verbal teachings are the most unfortunate way to help the cause.

Does this mean that children do not need to talk about moral standards and rules of behavior? Not at all. However, this should not be done only in their calm moments, and not in a heated atmosphere. Otherwise, our words only add fuel to the fire.

4. Tips, ready-made solutions:  “And you take it and say ...”, “Why don't you try ...”, “In my opinion, you need to go and apologize”, “I would give change in your place.”

As a rule, we do not skimp on such advice. Moreover, we consider it our duty to give them to children. Often as an example of myself: “When I was your age ...”

However, children are not inclined to listen to our advice. And sometimes they openly rebel: “You do this and I do it differently”, “It's easy for you to say that!” "," I know without you! "

What is behind the negative reactions of the child? The desire to be independent, to make decisions for yourself. After all, we, adults, are not always pleased with other people's advice. And children are much more sensitive than us. Each time, advising a child something, we kind of inform him that he is still small, inexperienced, and we are smarter than him, we know everything in advance.

The position of parents “from above” annoys the children, and most importantly, leaves them with no desire to tell more about their problem.

Often children themselves come to the same thing that we tried to advise them before this! But they need to decide for themselves - this is their path to independence. It is very important to give children this opportunity, although this, of course, is more difficult than giving advice.

5. Proof, logical arguments, notations, “lectures”:  “It would be time to know that you need to wash your hands before eating”, “You get distracted endlessly, and you make mistakes,” “How many times have I told you! I didn’t obey - blame yourself. ”

And here the children answer: “Leave me alone”, “Enough”, “As much as possible”, “Enough! I'm sick of!".

In the best case, they stop hearing us, there is a “semantic barrier”, or “psychological deafness”.

6. Criticism, reprimands, accusations:  “What does it look like!”, “Again I did everything wrong!”, “All because of you!”, “In vain I relied on you”, “Forever you! ..”.

Such phrases cannot play any educational role. They cause either active defense in children: attack, denial, bitterness; or despondency, depression, disappointment in yourself, and low self-esteem creates new problems.

Remarks and commands become the main form of communication with the child.

Negative child luggage

Let's last how much the child hears for the day of commands and comments. Multiply these statements by the number of days, weeks, years during which the child hears everything. You will get a huge baggage of negative impressions about yourself, and even from the closest people. In order to somehow balance this load, he has to prove to himself and his parents that he is worth something. The very first and easiest way (it is suggested by the parental style) is to criticize the demands of the parents themselves. What can save the situation?

1. Try to pay attention not only to the negative, but also to the positive aspects of your child’s behavior.

2. Do not be afraid that words of approval addressed to him will ruin him.

3. Sometimes parents think that the child already knows that they love him, so he does not need to express positive feelings. It's not like that at all.

4. Does it occur to us that children so literally interpret our behavior, words, facial expressions? Do we always take into account that children perceive the world in black and white: either definitely yes, or definitely not?

5. Would you yourself well survive in the conditions of constant bombardment by criticism from the side of the closest person? Would you not wait for kind words, would you long for them?

7. Praise: “Well done, you’re just a genius!”, “You are the most beautiful (capable, clever) with us!”, “You are so brave, you don’t care.”

After all that has been said, a recommendation will sound strange not to praise the child. However, it is necessary to distinguish between praise and encouragement (approval): there is an element of appreciation in praise.

Why is praise bad?

1. When the parent often praises, the child soon begins to understand: where the praise is, there is reprimand. Praising in one, he will be condemned in another.

2. A child can become addicted to praise: wait, seek her. ("Why didn’t you praise me today?")

3. Finally, he may suspect that you are insincere, that is, praise for your reasons. (It’s not true, you say so on purpose so that I don’t get upset!)

OK

In response to successes, it is best to express your feelings using the pronouns “I” or “me” instead of “you”. (I'm very glad! I liked this and that.)

8. Name-calling, ridicule:  “Crybaby Waxa,” “Don't Be Noodles,” “Well, Just a Club!”, “Lazy Boy!”

All this is the best way to push the child away and “help” him to lose faith in himself. In such cases, the children are offended and defended: “But what kind?”, “Well, I will be so.”

9. Guesses, “interpretations":  “I suppose I got into a fight again”, “I still see that you're cheating again”, “I see right through you and even two meters below you!”

None of the guys (and adults) like to be “calculated”? This can only be followed by a protective reaction, a desire to get away from contact.

10. Interrogation, investigation:  "No, you still say," "What did happen? I still find out, "" Why did you get a deuce again? "," Well, why are you silent? "

This type of error is close to guesses, “interpretations”.

It is difficult to resist a conversation. Nevertheless, it is better to try to replace the interrogative sentences with affirmative ones. The question sounds like cold curiosity, and the affirmative phrase is like understanding and participation.

11. Sympathy in words, persuasion, exhortation.

Of course, the child needs empathy, but not formal. In the phrases “Calm down”, “Don’t worry”, “Do not pay attention”, “I understand you”, “I sympathize with you”, “Change, there will be pain” the child may hear a neglect of his worries, denial or understatement of his experience.

Instead of a phrase, it is better to press the child to yourself.

12. Joking, avoiding conversation

Son: “You know, papa, I can’t stand this chemistry and I don’t understand anything in it.”
  Dad: “How much we have in common!”

Dad shows a sense of humor, but the problem remains. And what can we say about such words as "Leave me alone," "Not up to you," "You are always with your complaints."

Habitual treatment or active listening to the child?

Habitual treatment of advice, reproaches, it is also not "natural", but by experience learned phrases.

The basis of active listening is the principles of respect for the personality of the child, recognition of his rights to his own desires, feelings and mistakes, attention to his worries, rejection of the parental position “from above”.

All types of answers that we have analyzed should not be used instead of active listening, that is, when the child has an emotional problem. If he is calm or if you feel that you already have emotional contact, you can talk more freely: ask questions, give advice, and so on.

But what if the child insistently demands the impossible, and at the same time cries or is very upset?   Still, try to listen to him actively. Your first phrases in which he hears participation may soften the situation somewhat. After this, try to dream with him about the impossible.

Lesson VII Feelings of parents. How to take off?

We, parents, are also worried and angry, tired and offended. It is also difficult for us with children, sometimes even painfully ...

To begin with, let's clarify what situations are in question. Most likely about those where the parent is more worried.  In other words, these situations are the reverse of those that we still dealt with when we discussed the emotional problems of the child.

Having depicted the emotions of the parent and the child in the form of two "glasses", we get two situations. When a child is more worried, his “glass” is full; the parent is relatively calm, the level in his “glass” is low. And another situation: the parent is filled with emotions, the child is not particularly worried.

Rule 5. If your child’s behavior causes you negative feelings, tell him about it.

“If I accept a child, does this mean that I should never be angry with him?” No, it doesn’t. In no case should you hide and, moreover, accumulate your negative feelings. They must be expressed, but expressed in a special way.

In no case should you keep negative feelings in yourself: you should not silently bear resentment, suppress anger, and keep a calm look with strong excitement.

You cannot deceive anyone with such efforts: neither yourself, nor your child, because through non-verbal signals more than 90% of information about our internal state is transmitted. And it’s very difficult to control them, it “breaks through” and translates into harsh words or actions.

How can a child say about his feelings so that it is not destructive for him or for you?

Rule 6. When you talk about your feelings to a child, speak in the first person: report about yourself and your experience, and not about him and his behavior.

I-messages

Proposals must contain personal pronouns: me, me, me.

"Well, what kind of sight do you have!" against "I do not like when children walk disheveled, and I am ashamed of the views of neighbors."

"Stop crawling here, you're interfering." against "It’s hard for me to get ready for work when someone crawls underfoot, and I stumble all the time."

"You could not be quieter." against "I am very tired of loud music."

The difference between “I” and “You” messages is small. However, in response to the “you-message” the child is offended, defended, dared. Therefore, it is advisable to avoid them. After all, each “you-message”, in fact, contains an attack, accusation or criticism.

“I-message” has several advantages:

It allows you to express negative feelings in a form that is harmless to the child. Some parents try to suppress outbursts of anger in order to avoid conflicts. However, this does not lead to the desired result. You cannot completely suppress your emotions, children are subtle and observant “psychologists”: the child always knows whether we are angry or not. And if they are angry, then he, in turn, may be offended, become isolated or go into an open quarrel. It turns out the opposite: instead of peace - war.

2. “I-message” enables children to get to know us, parents more closely. Often we close ourselves to children with the armor of “authority”, which we try to maintain at all costs. We wear the mask of the “educator” and are afraid to raise it at least for a moment. Sometimes children are amazed to learn that mom and dad can feel something! This makes a lasting impression on them. The main thing is that it makes an adult closer, more humane.

3. When we are open and sincere in expressing our feelings, children become sincere, begin to feel: adults trust them, and they can also be trusted.

4. Expressing our feelings without orders or reprimands, we leave the children with the opportunity to make their own decisions. And then they begin to take into account our desires and experiences.

Errors should be avoided:

1. Starting with “I-message”, parents end the phrase “You-message”: I don’t like that you are such a slob or “It annoys me your whimper!”

You can avoid errors if you use impersonal sentences, indefinite pronouns, generalizing words: “It annoys me when the children whimper.” or "I do not like it when they sit down at the table with dirty hands."

2. The next mistake is caused by the fear of expressing sense of true strength. For example, if you are horrified at the sight of a son who hits the head with a cube of his little brother, then the power of this feeling should be expressed in your exclamation. The phrase “I don’t like it when the boys do it” doesn’t fit here, the child will feel false.

Rule 7. Do not demand from the child the impossible or difficult to do. Instead, see what you can change in your environment.

Change the conditions and the problems go away: some parents put temporary barriers on the windows, clean everything that is beating higher, take expensive furniture out of the room so that the child can move freely, paste cheap wallpaper in his room on the back so that he can draw on them.

Rule 8. To avoid unnecessary problems or conflicts, measure your own expectations with the capabilities of the child.

It is useless to demand from the child the impossible or the very difficult, for which he is not yet ready. It is better to change something outside of it, in this case, your expectations.

For example, it is impossible for a five-year-old boy to stand in line in one place for a long time.

All parents have expectations about what their child can or should already do and what he should not do. If expectations are too high, the result is a negative parental experience.

The foregoing does not mean that we should not “raise the bar” for the child, i.e. to cultivate in it a practical mind, responsibility, obedience. This must be done at any age. But do not set the bar too high. And the main thing is to follow your reaction. Knowing that a child is mastering a new height, and misfires are inevitable, can significantly increase your tolerance and allow you to be more calm about his failures.

Rule 9. Do not try to appropriate the emotional problems of the child.

It is about the experiences of the child and about our excessive excitement  about the children.

Have you ever heard from children: ““ Stop crying (get nervous, panic), you’re just bothering me! ”?

Behind this is the need of children to separate from parents emotionally: to learn to be independent in the face of tense, and even dangerous situations. Of course, at the same time they may need our participation, but participation is delicate, unobtrusive.

And what to do with your own experiences? Sooner or later, one has to take a risk: for the first time let one’s son go across the street, allow his growing daughter to celebrate New Year in the company of peers. Our concern is justified, and we, of course, must take all precautions that depend on us. But how can one talk with a child?

When a child faces a real test, it is easier for him to make a choice if he knows about our love, about our anxiety. “I-message” will not give him a reason to do “in spite”, in his own way, to commit a hasty, rash act.

And if the "I-message" does not work? Is the child not obeying?  It is not necessary to think that “I-message” and other methods that we master are new ways to quickly achieve practical results. For example, to force a child to learn lessons, put on a scarf or refuse to go to the cinema. Their purpose is completely different: to establish contact with the child, improve mutual understanding with him, help him in gaining independence and responsibility. As you can see, the goals are more distant and much more general.

How to send “I-message” if I am very angry or angry with a child?  Psychologists believe that anger is most often a secondary feeling. It arises on the basis of some other, primary experience. Therefore, if you want to throw an angry phrase to your child, wait and try to be aware of the initial feeling.

For example, a child is very rude to you. Your first reaction may be resentment, pain. You heard a lot of unflattering words about him at the parent's meeting and experienced bitterness, disappointment, grief, shame.  The child returns three hours late, making you terribly excited. The first feeling is joy and relief! It is best to express these very first feelings: “ Thank God! You are whole! I worried so much!»

Lesson VIII How to Resolve Conflicts

How and why do conflicts arise between parents and children? Obviously, this is a conflict of interests between the parent and the child. Satisfying the desire of one side means infringing on the interests of the other and causes strong negative feelings: irritation, resentment, anger.

For example: Unexpectedly, there is no bread in the house. Mom asks her daughter to go to the store. But that one soon began the sports section, and she does not want to be late. Mom asks “to enter her position”, the daughter does the same.

When conflicts of interest arise, a problem immediately arises for both the child and the parent. Both glasses are filled to the brim.

It is impossible not to lead to conflicts at all: no one is safe from the fact that our and our child’s desires will one day be divorced.

Unconstructive ways to resolve conflicts

When the contradictions begin, some parents do not see another way out, how to insist on their own, while others believe that it is better to yield, keeping the peace.

So there are two unconstructive ways to resolve conflicts, which are known under the general name "Only one wins."

Parent wins

Parents, inclined to use this method, believe that it is necessary to defeat the child, to break his resistance. Give him freedom, so he "sits on the neck", "will do what he wants."

Without noticing it, they show the children a dubious example of behavior: “always achieve yours, ignoring the desires of another”. And children are very sensitive to the manner of their parents and imitate them from early childhood. So in families where authoritarian, forceful methods are used, children quickly learn to do the same. They seem to return the lesson taught to adults, and then “the scythe finds on a stone”.

There is another version of this method: it is soft, but unstable to require the child to fulfill his desire. This is often accompanied by explanations with which the child eventually agrees. However, if such pressure is a constant tactic of the parents, with the help of which they achieve their goal, the child adopts another rule: “My personal interests (desires, needs) do not count, I still have to do what my parents want or require.” In some families, children are defeated for years. They grow either aggressive or passive. But in both cases, they accumulate bitterness, resentment, relations can not be called close and trusting.

Only a child wins

Along this path, parents who are either afraid of conflict, or are willing to constantly sacrifice themselves “for the good of the child,” or both.

In these cases, children grow up selfish, not accustomed to order, unable to organize themselves. All this may not be so noticeable within the family “universal pliability”, but as soon as they go out the door of the house and get involved in some common business, they begin to experience great difficulties. At school, at work, in any company, no one wants to indulge them. With their overstated demands on others and the inability to meet others, they are left alone, often met with ridicule and even rejection.

In such a family, parents accumulate deaf dissatisfaction with their own child and their fate. In old age, “eternally compliant” adults are often lonely and abandoned.

Conclusion: improperly resolved family conflicts, large and small, inevitably produce an “accumulation effect”. And under his influence character traits are formed, which then turn into the fate of children and parents. Therefore, it is very important to carefully treat each conflict of interest between you and your child.

A constructive way to resolve conflicts: Both sides benefit: both parent and child

This method of successfully resolving their conflict is based on two communication skills: active listening and “I-message”.

Step 1. Clarification of the conflict

First, the parent listens to the child. He clarifies what his problem is, namely: what he wants or does not want, what he needs or is important, what makes him difficult, etc.

He does this in the style of active listening, that is, he necessarily voices the desire, need or difficulty of the child. After that, he talks about his desire or problem, using the "I-message" form.

It is necessary to begin with listening to the child. After the child is convinced that you hear his problem, he will be much more willing to hear yours, and will also take part in the search for a joint solution.

As soon as an adult begins to actively listen to a child, the severity of a brewing conflict subsides. What at first seems like “simple stubbornness”, the parent begins to perceive it as a problem that deserves attention. Then there is a willingness to meet the child.

After listening to the child, you need to tell him about your desire or problem. This is a very crucial moment. It is no less important for a child to learn more and more accurately about your experience than you about it. Make sure your statement is in the form of “I-messages”, and not “You-messages”.

For example: It’s hard and offensive for me to keep house alone (instead of: “You all have blamed me alone”), it’s hard for me to go so fast (instead of: “You have completely driven me”), - You know, I was really looking forward to this program (instead of: “Don’t you know that I watch it every day ?!”).

To send an exact “I-message” in a conflict situation is also important for another reason: an adult has to think about exactly what his need is impaired by the actions or desires of the child. For example: the son decided to spend the accumulated money on chewing gum and stamps. However, his parents wanted him to buy some kind of game instead of chewing gum. What kind of personal need would parents be infringed on if the boy bought gum? Yes, no! So, there were simply no grounds for conflict.

It is impossible. Unfortunately, quite often parents resort to prohibitions without hesitation. “That's not it!” And if the child asks why it is impossible, then they add: We should not report to you. ”

Often behind this “impossible” there is nothing more than to assert one’s authority or to support one’s parental authority. If you try to report at least to yourself, it may turn out that there is nothing “beyond” anything but the desire to assert your power or support your parental authority.

What if the child is in danger, but he insists on his own? If the child’s life depends on the urgency of your actions, then, of course, you need to act energetically, avoiding objections. However, orders and prohibitions as the main methods of preventing any danger not fully understood by the child are not suitable. Often a dispute erupts around such a question: is it necessary to allow the baby to touch a burning candle if he does not listen to the word "can not" and continues to reach the fire? And the older the children, the more expensive the fee for acquiring their own experience can become.

There is no universal answer here, of course. But it is worth remembering that, systematically protecting children from danger, we, perhaps, endanger them even more, because we deprive them of responsibility for our actions. At the same time, a successful practice of collaborative conflict resolution can serve as a good school for raising child awareness and diligence.

Step 2. Collection of proposals

This stage begins with the question: “How can we be?”, “What can we come up with?”, Or: “What should we do?”

After this, you must definitely wait, give the child the opportunity to first offer a solution (or solutions), and only then offer his options. In this case, not one, even the most inappropriate, from your point of view, proposal is rejected from the spot. At first, sentences are simply typed “into the basket”. If there are many offers, they can be written on a piece of paper.

Step 3. Evaluation of proposals and the selection of the most acceptable

At this stage, a joint discussion of the proposals takes place. By this time, the “Parties” already know each other's interests, and the previous steps help create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

Firstly, each participant is heard. Secondly, each delves into the position of the other. Thirdly, there is no irritation or resentment between the “parties”. Fourthly, it is possible to realize your true desires. The guys get a great lesson on how to solve “difficult” issues together. The practice of parents shows that with the recurrence of such situations, the peaceful resolution of disputes becomes commonplace for children.

What if can't find a solution that suits everyone?  The fear of not finding a solution acceptable to all, as a rule, is not confirmed. The method involves the interest of both parties in a joint solution. In this case, ingenuity and a readiness to meet each other are awakened.

Step 4. Detailing the decision

Suppose the family decided that the son was already big, and he had time to get up, have breakfast and go to school on his own. This will free mom from early troubles and give her the opportunity to get enough sleep.

However, one solution is not enough. It is necessary to teach the child to use the alarm clock, to show where what food lies, how to warm up breakfast, etc.

Step 5. Solution execution, verification

Take an example: the family decided to unload mom, share household chores more evenly. After going through all the stages, we came to a certain decision. It would be nice to write it on a piece of paper and hang it on the wall.

Suppose the eldest son had such responsibilities: take out the trash, wash the dishes in the evenings, buy bread and take his younger brother to the garden. If earlier the boy did not do all this regularly, then at first breakdowns are possible.

Do not blame him for every failure. Better to wait a few days. At a convenient moment when he has time and you and no one are annoyed, you can ask: “Well, how are you doing? Does it work? ”

It's better; if the child himself tells about the failures. Perhaps there will be too many of them. Then it’s worth clarifying what, in his opinion, is the reason.

Maybe something is not taken into account, or some help is needed; or he would have preferred a different, more “responsible” assignment.

In conclusion, I note that this method does not leave anyone with a feeling of loss. On the contrary, he invites to cooperation from the very beginning, and in the end everyone wins.

But how to behave if the conflict broke out between the children? Worst of all, if a parent adds his raised voice to the rising cry: “Stop it now!”, “Here I am both of you now ...” Perhaps, it is even worse if he takes the side of one of the children; as a rule, it turns out to be the youngest. This can lead to the spoiling of the younger and persistent resentment and jealousy of the older.

In most cases, it’s nice to let the children understand. You can send an "I-message" of this kind: "I don’t like when such a scream rises in the house," "I like it when the children sort out their affairs themselves."

But there are times when a parent is drawn into the resolution of a child conflict as an intermediary. Then the constructive method is very useful.

You need to start, of course, with listening to each of the parties. It is very important to observe the following principle: if you are currently listening to one child, and he begins to feel that you are delving into his problem, let the other know in some way that he will be equally attentively listened to. Be sure that the other child is very jealously following the tone of your conversation, and the lack of reprimand, the peaceful notes in your voice can lead him to the conclusion that your sympathies are on the side of the “enemy”. Therefore, trying to listen to the experiences of one, with a good look, touches, a nod of the head to send signals to another: "Yes, I remember about you too, and I will be ready to listen to you soon."

Authority and authoritarianism

Authoritarian is a person who seeks power and, using force, seeks submission from others. Authoritative is one whose influence on the actions of others is based on the recognition and respect of his opinion, his personal qualities: competence, justice, etc.

For a small child, parents are creatures whom he reveres and adores. In the eyes of the baby - dad - the most powerful, smart, fair; mother is the most beautiful, kind, wonderful.

Parents have this authority simply because they are adults, and the child is still small, inept, weak. He unconsciously “absorbs” from his parents all behaviors, tastes, attitudes, values, moral standards.

But over time, the balance of power changes. There is an inevitable equalization of opportunities for children and parents. There comes a critical moment when the authority of parents ceases to hold on to the benefits of adulthood.

What then happens? Parents face a dramatic choice between well-deserved authority and authoritarianism.

The path of authoritarianism is absolutely dead end. Power, designed for unquestioning obedience or fear of punishment, ceases to act. A child sooner or later enters the struggle for independence. It sometimes comes to open war. And the most dangerous thing is the feeling of being unable to turn back.

There is only one choice: to understand that the way of violence against a child is hopeless and sooner or later will lead to a break in relations. An adult loses credibility if he begins to rely on prohibitions, pressure and orders. He retains authority if he remains a model of strength and experience.

Lesson IX What about discipline?

Children not only need order and rules of behavior, they want and wait for them. This creates a sense of security, and life makes it clear.

Children are sometimes ready to maintain order more than adults. The reason for this is the desire for the familiar, for daily rituals.

Children intuitively feel that parental “impossible” hides concern for them.

Children rebel not against the rules themselves, but against the ways of their “implementation”. How to find ways to conflict-free discipline of the child? This is the most difficult task of education, it depends on it whether the child grows up as an internally assembled and responsible person or not.

Rules for maintaining conflict-free discipline

1. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be in the life of every child.

It is especially useful to remember those parents who want to upset their children as little as possible and avoid conflicts with them. As a result, they begin to follow the lead of their own child. This is an conniving style of education.

2. There should not be too many rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) and they should be flexible.

This rule warns against another extreme - upbringing in the spirit of “tightening the screws”, i.e. authoritarian communication style.

Both rules, taken together imply a special sense of proportion, a special wisdom of the parent in resolving issues of “can”, “should” and “not”.

4 color zones of child behavior

Find the middle ground between connivance and authoritarian styles will help the image of 4 color zones of the child’s behavior: green, yellow, orange and red.

Green Zone

In green we put everything that the child is allowed at his own discretion or desire. For example, what toys to play, when to sit down for lessons, which club to enroll in, who to be friends with ...

Yellow zone

Relative freedom is in the yellow zone. He is allowed to act of his own choice, but within certain limits. but subject to certain rules. For example, you can sit down for lessons when you want, but finish work by 8 o’clock in the evening. You can walk in your yard, but do not go further.

This zone is important because this is where the child learns to internal discipline  by the mechanism from the outside to the inside. At first, the parent helps the child to restrain immediate impulses, to be careful and learn to control himself precisely with the help of norms and rules that are established in the family. Gradually, getting used to these rules, the child follows them without much stress. However, this only happens if there are no constant conflicts around the rules.

Therefore, the conflict-free adoption of requirements and restrictions by the child should be a subject of your special concern. In each case, try to calmly (but briefly!) Explain what caused your demand. At the same time, be sure to emphasize what exactly remains for the child for his free choice. When children feel respect for their sense of freedom and independence, they more easily accept parental restrictions.

Orange zone

In the orange zone are such actions of the child that adults do not welcome, but in view of special circumstances they are now admitted.

We know that exceptions only confirm the rules; do not be afraid of such exceptions if they are, indeed, rare and justified. But the children are very grateful to their parents for their willingness to meet their special request. Then they are even more willing to follow the rules in ordinary situations.

Red zone

In the red zone are the actions of the child, unacceptable under any circumstances. These are our categorical “impossible”, of which we make no exceptions.

You can’t beat, pinch or bite your mother, play with fire, break things, offend little ones ... This list “grows up” with the child and leads him to serious moral standards and social prohibitions.
  So, all the zones taken together tell us that the rule is the rule of discord, and that it is quite possible to find a “middle ground” between the willingness to understand - and to be firm, between flexibility - and inflexibility in the process of discipline education.

3. Parental requirements should not conflict with the essential needs of the child.

Excessive activity of children. For example, parents are often annoyed by the “excessive” activity of their children: why do they need to run so much, jump, play noisily, climb trees, throw stones, draw on anything, grab everything, open, disassemble ..?

The answer is simple: all this and much more is a manifestation of the natural and very important for the development of children needs for movement, cognition, exercise. They are much more than adults need to move, explore, try. To prohibit such actions is like trying to block a full-flowing river. It is better to take care to direct its flow in a convenient direction.

You can explore the puddles, but only in high boots; It is also possible to disassemble a watch, but only if it is old and has not been running for a long time; You can play ball, but not indoors and away from windows; you can even throw stones at a target if you take care that no one is hurt.

School age. Starting from the age of ten to eleven, it becomes especially important for children to communicate with peers. They gather in groups, large or small, often spend time outside the home, are considered more with the opinions of children than adults.

Guys often stop obeying their parents, and the consequences can be dangerous. To avoid complications, parents should be especially careful in the prohibitions of “not being friends”, “not walking”, “not wearing”, “not participating ...”

You need to be sure that the child does not perceive them as a threat to his status in the group of children. The worst thing for him is to become a "black sheep" or an object of ridicule, to be rejected or rejected by the guys. And if on one side of the scale his position among his peers is, and, on the other - his parent’s “no,” then most likely he will outweigh the first.

Patience and tolerance, and even a philosophical attitude will help to understand teenage fashion, words, expressions, music, hairstyles. Teenage fashion is similar to chickenpox - the guys pick it up and carry it in a more or less serious form, and after 2 years they themselves smile, looking back.

Life values.  What remains for parents except patience? Very much, and most importantly, to remain the guides of more general, not passing values: respect for the personality of another, nobility, honesty.

Many values \u200b\u200bcan be discussed with the child and implemented in a relationship with him. The child hopes so.

4. Rules (restrictions, requirements, prohibitions) must be agreed by adults among themselves.

It is impossible for a child to learn the rules, to get used to discipline, when mother says one thing, father says another, and grandmother says third. He gets used to pushing his “splitting” ranks of adults. Relations between adult family members do not get better from this.

If one parent does not agree, it is better to remain silent, and then discuss and come to a common opinion without a child.

Equally important is the consistency in following the rules. If your child went to bed at 10 in the evening instead of 9 for two days in a row, then on the third day it will be difficult for you to put him on time, he will reasonably object that you "allowed" him yesterday and the day before.

It is worth remembering that children constantly test our requirements "for strength" and usually only accept what cannot be loosened. Otherwise, they are accustomed to insist, whine, extort.

5. The tone in which demands or prohibitions are communicated should be friendly and explanatory rather than imperative.

Any prohibition is difficult for a child, and if he is pronounced in an angry or imperious tone, it becomes doubly difficult.

Explanation of the reason.  We have already said that the question "Why not?" do not answer: “Because I said that”, “I command”, “It’s impossible, that's all!”. It is necessary to briefly explain: “It is too late”, “It is dangerous”, “It may break ...”

The explanation should be short and repeated once. If the child asks again, this is not because he did not understand you, but it is difficult for him to overcome his desire. It will help what you have already passed: for example, active listening. Orders and “You-messages” exacerbate the child’s resistance.

Suggestions are better built in an impersonal form  “Do not play with matches” instead of “Do not dare to play with matches!”; “Candy is eaten in the afternoon” instead of: “Now put the candy back!”; “The tail of the cat is not to be pulled for him,” instead of: “Stop torturing the cat!”.

Discussion of possible difficulties.  It is very useful, anticipating the difficulty of the child in fulfilling the requirements, to discuss it in advance. You can offer a choice of other options. The child will gain even a little experience of conflict-free discipline.

Penalties. What if the child does not obey?

Subject to all 5 rules, the number of disobedience, your child will be reduced many times, if not disappear at all.

Nevertheless, no one is safe from misunderstandings, and there will come a time when you need to respond to obviously bad behavior.

Physical punishment

Physical punishment offends, embitters, intimidates and humiliates children. From them there is more negative result than positive.

The natural consequence of disobedience

The natural consequence of disobedience is one of the types of punishment that comes from life itself, and all the more valuable, because there is no one to blame in such cases, except yourself.

A kid scratched by a cat, or a schoolboy who has received a deuce for an unlearned lesson, maybe for the first time will feel the meaning and vital necessity of the parental requirement.

Anyway, we will never be able to “lay straws” wherever our child can “fall”. But then, when he fails, you can really help him. Active listening is indispensable here: it helps the child to draw an independent conclusion from what happened.

Do not tell the child: "I did not obey - blame yourself." Firstly, the child remembers your warning very well, and secondly, he is now upset and deaf to comments; thirdly, it’s hard for him to admit his mistake, and he is ready to challenge your case.

Conditional Consequences of Disobedience

This type of punishment is more familiar, it comes from the parent. It all starts with a warning: “if you don’t ... then ...”.

Such punishments are called conditional consequences of disobedience, because they arise naturally from the actions of the child, and are appointed by the parents at their discretion.

Such punishments can still not be avoided, but when applying them it is good to adhere to one very important rule.

6. Punishing a child is better, depriving him of good than doing him bad.

Children feel good justice: it is fair when the parent does not give them his time, because he is upset or angry.

For example, children greatly appreciate these family traditions. When a parent pays special attention to them, and with him it is interesting - this is a real holiday for the child. However, if disobedience or misconduct occurs, the “holiday” on this day or this week is canceled.

And if the parent is always “once”, is all education limited to requirements, remarks and “minus” punishments?   In such cases, discipline is much more difficult. But the main thing is the danger of losing contact with the child: after all, mutual discontent, which is inevitable here, will accumulate and disconnect.

Joy zone

You need to have a stock of large and small holidays. Think of a few activities with the child or several family affairs, traditions that will create a zone of joy. Make some of these activities or activities regular so that the child is waiting for them and knows that they will come without fail if he does not do something very bad. Discard them only if an offense has occurred, really palpable, and you are really upset. However, do not threaten them with the abolition of trifles.

The joy zone is the “golden fund” of your life with your child. It is both the zone of proximal development, and the basis of your friendly communication with him, and the supply of conflict-free discipline.

Naughty children.

If communication with a child brings you more worries and sorrows than joy or, or, has reached a dead end, do not despair!

Naughty children are usually blamed. They are looking for evil intent, strong genes, etc. In fact, the number of “difficult” ones is usually not the “worst,” but especially sensitive and easily vulnerable. They “go off the rails” under the influence of life stresses and difficulties, reacting more strongly than more stable children.

Hence the conclusion: a “difficult” child needs only help - and in no case, criticism, and punishment.

The causes of persistent disobedience of the child should be sought in the depths of his psyche. On the surface, it seems that he “simply does not obey”, “simply does not want to understand,” but in fact the reason is different. And, as a rule, she is emotional, not rational. Moreover, she is not recognized by either the adult or the child himself. Hence the conclusion: such reasons must be known.

Psychologists identified 4 main causes of serious violations of children's behavior

1. The struggle for attention.  If the child does not receive the necessary amount of attention, which is necessary for normal emotional well-being, then he finds his own way to receive it - disobedience.

A strong childish nature is able to demand unfinished, although most often in a sharp, annoying form.

Parents break away from their affairs every now and then, pouring comments ... We can’t say that it’s very nice, but the attention is still received. Better than none.

2. The struggle for self-assertion against excessive parental authority and guardianship.  The famous requirement “I myself” of a 2-year-old baby lasts throughout childhood, especially exacerbated in adolescents. Children are very sensitive to the infringement of this desire.

But it is especially difficult when parents communicate with them in the form of instructions, comments and concerns. Parents believe that in this way they instill in their children the right habits, accustom to order, prevent mistakes, in general - educate.

This is necessary, but the whole question is how to do it. If comments and advice are too frequent, orders and criticisms are too harsh, and fears are too exaggerated, then the child begins to rebel. The teacher is faced with stubbornness, self-will, and actions contrary to. The meaning of this behavior is to defend the right to show that he is a person.

3. The desire for revenge.  Children are offended by their parents. The reasons can be very different: parents are more attentive to the younger; the mother divorced her father, and the stepfather appeared in the house; the child was excommunicated (put in a hospital, sent to grandmother); parents constantly quarrel ...

There are many isolated reasons for resentment: a sharp remark, an unfulfilled promise, an unjust punishment ...

And again, in the depths of the soul, the child experiences and dahah suffers, and on the surface are the same protests, disobedience, and poor performance at school.

The meaning of “bad” behavior in this case can be expressed as follows: “You have done me badly - even if it will be bad for you too! ..”

4. Loss of faith in one's own success.  The child is experiencing his troubles in one particular area of \u200b\u200blife, and failures arise in another completely.

For example: the child did not have a relationship in the classroom, and the result will be neglected study; otherwise, failure at school can lead to defiant behavior at home.

Such a "displacement of ill-being" is due to the low self-esteem of the child. Having gained the experience of failures and criticism, he generally loses his confidence. He concludes: "There is nothing to try, all the same, nothing will work out."

It’s in the soul, and by its external behavior it shows: “I don’t care”, “And let it be bad”, “And I will be bad!”.

The aspirations of difficult children are quite positive and regular, and express the need for warmth and attention of parents, for recognition of their personality, sense of justice, desire for success.

The trouble with “difficult” children is that, firstly, they are severely affected by the unfulfillment of these needs, and secondly, by attempts to make up for this shortage in ways that do not make up for anything.

They do not know how to do it differently, and therefore any serious violation of the behavior of a teenager is a signal of help. His behavior, he tells us: “I feel bad! Help me!"

Parents' experiences - a mirror of a child’s hidden emotional problem

A parent can help the child, but first you need to understand the root cause of disobedience.

Parents need to pay attention to their own feelings. What kind of emotional reaction do you have with repeated disobedience. An amazing fact - the experiences of parents - is a mirror of the hidden emotional problems of the child.

If the child fights for attention, then the parent has irritation.
  If there is opposition to the will of the parents, then the latter has anger.
  If the hidden reason is revenge, then the parent's response is resentment.
  With the child deeply experiencing his dysfunction, the parent is in the grip of feelings of hopelessness, and sometimes despair.

Feelings are different and you can understand which is suitable for your case.

It turns out a vicious circle.  The more the adult is dissatisfied, the more the child becomes convinced: his efforts have reached the goal, and he renews them with new energy.

The task of the parent is to try not react in the usual way, that is, as the child expects from you and thereby break the vicious circle.
  Emotions turn on almost automatically, especially in conflicts with “experience”. Nevertheless, you can change the nature of communication! You can stop, if not emotion, then remark and punishing actions.

If goes struggle for attention, you need to find a way to show your child your positive attention to him: come up with some kind of joint activities, games or walks.

As for the usual disobedience, it is better to ignore them. After a while, the child will find that they do not work, and the need for them, thanks to your positive attention, will disappear.

If the source of the conflict is struggle for self-affirmation, then you should change your control over the affairs of the child: it is important for them to accumulate experience of their own decisions and even failures.

In the transitional period of establishing your relationship, refrain from such requirements that, in your experience, he most likely will not fulfill. On the contrary, what can be called the “adjustment method” helps a lot: you do not dispute the decision he came to, but agree with him on the details and conditions for its implementation.

Understanding and dictatorship will help to get rid of the understanding that stubbornness and self-will of a child is just a form of prayer that annoys you: “Let me finally live my own mind.”

If you are offended, you need to ask yourself: what made the child cause it to you? What pain does he have? How did you offend or constantly offend him? Having understood the reason, we must, of course, try to eliminate it.

The most difficult situation is with a desperate parent and disbelieving in their abilities   teenager.

The smart behavior of the parent in this case is stop demanding “relying” behavior. It is worth "resetting to zero" your expectations and claims. Surely your child can do something and is even very capable of something. But while you have it the way it is. Find the level of tasks available to him. This is your starting base from which you can begin to move forward. Organize joint activities with him; he himself cannot get out of the impasse.
  Moreover, no criticism should be allowed against him.

Look for a way to encourage him, even the smallest success. It is worth trying to make teachers your allies. You will see: the very first successes inspire your child.

It is useless to expect that your efforts to establish peace and discipline in the family will lead to success on the first day. The main efforts should be directed to switch their negative emotions (irritation, anger, resentment, despair) to constructive actions.

In a sense, you have to change yourself. But this is the only way to raise your “difficult” child.

And the last thing that is important to know: at your first attempts to improve relationships, the child can strengthen his bad behavior! He will not immediately believe in the sincerity of your intentions and will verify them.

Lesson X “Pitcher” of our emotions

Destructive feelings of the first layer.

Let's start with the most unpleasant emotions - anger, anger, aggression. These feelings are destructive because violate the person himself (his psyche, health), and his relationships with other people and are the cause of conflicts.

These emotions are manifested in the external behavior of a person. This is, unfortunately, the familiar name-calling and insults, quarrels and fights, punishments, “spite” actions, etc.

Psychologists believe that: anger is a secondary feeling. We can place the experiences of pain, resentment, fear, annoyance under the feelings of anger and aggression, as the causes of these destructive emotions (II layer of the “jug”).

Suffering feelings of the second layer.

All feelings of the second layer are suffering, suffering in them. They are not easy to express, they are usually kept silent, hidden. Why? For fear of humiliation, seem weak. Sometimes a person himself does not realize them (“Just angry, and why I don’t know!”)

To hide feelings of resentment and pain is often taught from childhood: “Do not howl; better learn to give back!”

The reason for “suffering” feelings is a lack of satisfaction.

Third layer: needs

Everyone needs food, sleep, warmth - these are the so-called organic needs.

Needs that are associated with communication, and in a broad sense, with a person’s life among people: a person needs to be loved, understood, recognized, respected, needed by someone and close, so that he has success in business, studies , at work, so that he can realize himself, develop his abilities, improve himself, respect himself.

These needs are always at risk! Any need may be unsatisfied, and this leads to suffering, and possibly to “destructive” emotions.

Happiness depends on the psychological climate of the environment in which a person grows, lives, works. And also from the emotional baggage accumulated in childhood. And the climate and baggage depend on the style of communication, and above all - parents with a child.

Fourth layer: Self-Assessment

Self-attitude lies below the layer of needs

Psychologists have devoted much research to such experiences of themselves. They call them differently: perceiving themselves, self-image, self-esteem, self-esteem, sense of self-worth.

Self-esteem greatly affects the life and even the fate of a person. So, children with low self-esteem, but quite capable, study worse, get along poorly with peers and teachers, and are less successful later in adulthood.

Another important fact: the foundation of self-esteem is laid very early in the very first years of a child’s life, and depends on how parents treat him. If they understand and accept it, tolerate its “shortcomings” and mistakes, it grows up with a positive attitude towards itself. If the child is constantly “brought up”, criticized and mastered, his self-esteem is low and flawed.

In childhood, we learn about ourselves only from the words and attitudes of those close to us. A small child has no internal vision. His self-image is built from the outside; he begins to see himself as others see him.

However, in this process the child does not remain passive. Here another law of all living things is valid: to actively achieve what survival depends on. A positive attitude towards oneself is the basis of psychological survival, and the child is constantly looking for and even fighting for it.

He is waiting for confirmation from us that he is good, they love him, he can cope with feasible affairs. Whatever the child does, he needs our recognition of his success.

It is enough to see how he meets a new day: with a smile or crying, this is a feeling of inner well-being or ill-being that the child is experiencing.

With each appeal to the child - in word, deed, intonation, gesture, frowning eyebrows and even silence, we inform him not only about ourselves, our condition, but always about him, and often - mostly about him.

From the repeated signs of greeting, approval, love and acceptance, the child has a feeling: “everything is fine with me”, “I am good”, and from signals of condemnation, displeasure, criticism - the feeling “something is wrong with me”, “ I am bad".

Protecting and raising a child, we must be aware of what message we are sending him about him now. The child most often perceives the punishment as a message: “You are bad!”, Criticism of mistakes - “You cannot!”, Ignoring - “I don't care about you”, and even - “You are not liked”.

Sometimes the child’s desire to be “good” forces children to seek ways to “correct” themselves through self-punishment. The punishment, and even more so the self-punishment of the child, only aggravates his feeling of ill-being and unhappiness. As a result, he finally comes to the conclusion: “Bad, well, let it be! And I will be bad! ” This is the challenge behind the bitterness of despair.

A dysfunctional child continues to be punished, criticized, and then completely rejected in the family and school.

Problems of a different level of a "jug" of emotions

Level 1: devastating emotions

The child is angry with his mother: "You are not good, I do not love you!" We already know that behind his anger hides pain, resentment, etc. (I and II layers of our scheme). In this case, his best actively listen, guess and call it a "passive" feeling.

What is not worth doing is to condemn and punish him in return. So you can only aggravate his negative experience (and yours too).

It’s better to leave your upbringing words until the time when the atmosphere is calm and your tone is friendly.

Level 2: Suffering Emotions

If a child openly suffers from pain, resentment, fear, then active listening  - irreplaceable. This method is directly intended for experiences from the second layer of our scheme.

If the parent experiences the same feelings, then it is best to express them in the form of an "I-message."

However, it is important to remember that if the "glass" of the child is also full, then his ears may not hear you; you should first listen to him.

Level 3: Needs

What is he missing? If the child’s discontent or suffering is repeated on the same occasion, if he constantly aches, asks to play, read; or, on the contrary, constantly does not obey, fights, is rude ... it is very likely that the reason is some dissatisfaction; his needs (III layer scheme). He may miss your attention or, conversely, a sense of freedom and independence; he may suffer from neglected school or school failures.

In this case, an active hearing is not enough. True, you can start with it, but then try to understand what your child is missing. You will really help him if you spend more time with him, pay more attention to his studies, or, conversely, stop controlling him at every step.

One of the very effective ways is to create conditions that do not contradict, but meet the needs of the child. He wants to move a lot - to organize open space well; wants to explore puddles - you can have high boots; wants to draw big pictures - an extra piece of cheap wallpaper doesn’t hurt. Let me remind you that rowing with the stream is incomparably easier than against it.

Understanding the needs of the child, accepting them and responding to them with their actions means actively listening to the child in the broadest sense. This ability develops in parents as they increasingly practice the active listening technique.

Level 4: Self-esteem, sense of self-worth

"You are dear to me, and you will be fine!"

The further down we move through the layers of our scheme, the greater the influence on the child of the style of communication with him. About how he is - good, dear, capable, or bad, nobody needs anyone, a loser - he learns only from adults and above all from his parents.

If the deepest layer - the emotional feeling of oneself - consists of negative experiences, many areas of the child’s life are upset. He becomes "difficult" for himself and for others. Great efforts are needed to help him in such cases.

How to maintain a child’s self-esteem?

In order to prevent a deep discord between the child and himself and the world around him, his self-esteem or sense of self-worth must be constantly maintained.

1. Absolutely take the baby.

Accept everyone as they are: My children are ordinary children. They behave like all children in the world. In children's antics there is a lot of annoying and this is so.

Only an invaluable judgment. You can express your “dissatisfaction with the individual actions of the child, but not with the child as a whole.

You can condemn the actions of the child, but not his feelings, how undesirable or "inadmissible."

2. Actively listen to his experiences and needs.

4. Do not interfere in the activities with which he copes.

5. Help when asked.

6. Support success.

7. Share your feelings (means trust).

8. Constructively resolve conflicts.

No negative commands. The subconscious mind does not hold back the denial of "not."

Choice without a choice! (Are you going to bed now or will you collect the books first?)

Skip the first “NO”, “NOT”.

9. Demonstrate love: hug at least 4, and preferably 8 times a day.

Use friendly phrases in everyday communication.

For example: I feel good with you. I'm glad to see you. Good thing you came. I like the way you ... I miss you. Come on (sit, do ...) together. Of course you can handle it. It’s good that we have you. You are my good.

Eye contact, open, friendly under normal conditions.

Close attention, focusing on the child completely, so that the child feels the most important.

Talking with a child is a whole art that is difficult for many adults to give. It seems to us that we are talking, and the children are doing their own thing. We demand understanding from the child, but we ourselves refuse to understand it. We turn to a cry, blackmail, we set the conditions, in general, we act from a position of strength. However, we ourselves really do not like it when they talk to us in this way. If we listen to ourselves, we will understand that we would never obey the one who treats us like this. At least the grudge would have been harbored for sure.

So the children feel the same way. And they resist as much as they can - because of their age.

But communication with the child may be different if the parents take into account the feelings of the child and especially the children's psyche. For simple but effective words that will help establish contact with children, read the article by teacher Irina Khmelnitskaya.

10 omnipotent words for parents

Whisper. While working at school, I promised myself not to raise my voice for students and generally for anyone. A scream is a manifestation of one's own weakness. But children, especially small ones, respond more to intonation than to the content of speech. How to get to the fidget without elevated tones? Checked: the only medicine that works more efficiently than screaming (even if it’s from the best of intentions) is when you bend to your baby’s ear and make eye contact before speaking and start talking very quietly. This requires parents to have a high degree of composure. But it gives amazing results.

May be.  Because to say the traditional "no" - as if to remove the baby from the fuse. The forehead ban can provoke hysteria, especially if the child who hears the no is hungry or just tired. As an alternative, we suggest “maybe” - at least that's honest. This is better than adding oil to the fire with the help of endless NOs. If the children ask: “Will we go out now?”, I calmly inform: “Maybe.” And I add: "If you remove all the toys on the shelves and quickly get dressed." This helps motivate children to behave accordingly. And then everything is simple: they removed the toys, dressed - went to the street, did not remove - did not go. It is important that adults themselves keep their promises. The words “Let's see” and “a little later” act just as effectively.

Sorry.  Adults are also mistaken. What to do? We are not gods. We are ready to apologize to relatives, friends, work colleagues. And our children need courtesy no less than adults. This simulates respect for others. Children really need to see just such communication - a good example sets the format for future behavior, and it also helps to understand that no one in this world is perfect, which, in general, is true.

Stop.  A signal that stops a child, interrupts his actions, which we want to stop, and tells what to do instead. If the children rush about the apartment, it is useless to read notations; just say “Stop!” and give the tool: "Sit at the table and put the puzzle / build a castle." Agree with the baby in advance that “Stop, the game!” It affects everyone without exception under any circumstances: all actions stop (if the game is not according to the rules, it becomes dangerous, unpleasant, too noisy ...). The main thing is not to abuse this powerful tool, otherwise it will cease to be effective.

Eyes. We all listen more carefully, looking into the interlocutor’s eyes. When I want to be sure that the guys really listen and hear me, I ask: “Where are the eyes?” Hint: you need to pronounce it completely calmly, it is better affectionately, with a smile or neutral, otherwise the children simply will not want to look at you. Who would want to meet the eyes of an angry and screaming person? And as soon as children's eyes are riveted to you, you own children's attention.

We are learning.  If our child makes a mistake, the phrase “This is normal, do not worry, we all learn!” Comes to the rescue. She is also useful for protection from squinting eyes, from people who look at us with a condemning child. In the end, we all learn, including those who look at us.

You can!  Remind the child of this when he doubts his abilities. Failure is only a signal that the baby will achieve the desired result, if he makes a little more effort, he will practice. Tell the children that you know what they can. And be sure to discover the secret: much of what you yourself do now with ease, once required so much effort from you.

Be!  When children ask questions, give them your eyes and attention. When the kids talk about something, listen. Be with your baby. It means so much to a little person. Somehow, on the way home from kindergarten, my three-year-old son, asking the one hundred and first question, realized that I answered mechanically “yes-no” (strength after a working day at the end), but I still wanted to maintain the conversation. In the end, I heard the insistent: “Well, mother, speak! You dont speak!" Children immediately feel how immersed we are in a conversation with them.

Is always!  It is not surprising that where children are always noisy and restless! Tantrums happen, sweets get out of the way, entertainment is canceled. But some things come off untouchable. And our love for children is among them. It is very important to tell them about it. Especially in those days, once something went wrong, feelings are exhausted, but strength is running out. This is part of the evening ritual before bedtime. I hug my son and tell him: "Mom loves you very much and will always love you, no matter what happens." It is very important for children to know and hear that our love for them is unconditional and unconditional. Constant Indestructible. Is always!

Laugh.  Many of the things that annoy us as parents would probably not be like that if we could just laugh at them. A good laugh is a great reset button, if you like, a switch.

The truth is that these 10 words not only help parents, so be stronger, get involved in the parent vocabulary.