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For many years, parents raise their children, striving to do everything for them so that they become independent and successful people. And with the onset of the moment when the children finally become independent, the parents should calm down and start living for themselves, but often everything is completely different.

When children, like chicks, leave their native nest, emptiness settles in parental hearts. Yes, parents now have a lot of free time, but for some reason there is no desire to somehow spend it with benefit for themselves, because thoughts remain with your beloved children. This phenomenon is called in the "empty nest syndrome", which is peculiar mainly to mothers, but fathers are not immune from it.

Why is breaking up with children painful?

The very fact that the house becomes “empty” causes in parental hearts not only a feeling of emptiness, but also of uselessness. Parents stop seeing, although not so long ago they thought that they would grow up children, and there would be an opportunity to do something for which there was always no time.

According to the results of surveys among parents whose children recently started to live separately, it turned out that more than 50% of parents, mainly mothers, would like to lead a life together again. About 85% of fathers accept the fact of separation relatively easily. At the same time, approximately 30% of mothers dream that their children, when they create their own family, return to their home or call them to their home.

In most cases, parting with children is painfully perceived by women who did not work and only raised children, because the main kind of their activity was upbringing. At present, they are experiencing a sense of uselessness and futility. In addition, the condition can be complicated by menopause, mood swings, and worries about the health of their own parents.

Speaking specifically about Russian parents, the abandonment of the “nest” by the children coincides, as a rule, with the period of the middle-aged crisis in the parents, which is why many families are at risk of disintegration (divorce). The fact is that the attention of fathers and mothers is shifted to each other, because of which often disagreements arise between them. Spouses can simply come to understand that during the time that was devoted to raising children, they have changed and become strangers to each other; all ties between them have disappeared and the continuation of life together is meaningless.

However, serious changes can occur in the lives of children who have left home. Despite the fact that the beginning of an independent life is perceived by them easier, they are not immune from emotional problems. Many of the young people and girls are simply not able to live independently.

But the topic of children's independence moves away from the main topic of our article today, so we will continue the discussion about the syndrome of an empty nest, namely, about how the void that has arisen in the house and, most importantly, in the heart, can be filled.

How to "fill the void"?

In Western practice, there are situations when couples who experience the syndrome of an empty nest adopt another child - a preschool child or primary school age; in some cases, they take the baby. Sometimes even a decision is made to have another baby. But such a decision, firstly, should be taken thoughtfully and emotions should not take place in its adoption, and secondly, this does not at all save parents from the emergence of an empty nest syndrome in the future. So it makes sense to consider other ways of “filling the void”.

So, what can be done to overcome the empty nest syndrome?

Attention to the second half

As we have already said, there are frequent cases when spouses who have lived together for decades and raised children, after the children leave, realize that they are practically strangers to each other, and there are neither common topics for conversation, nor common activities. This is an indicator that it is time to devote all your attention to the second half. You can, for example, start organizing walks or hiking in restaurants. In 2008, scientists conducted a study, the results of which showed that spouses will have a degree of satisfaction with the marriage if they have a desire, time and energy to strengthen relations.

If the parent had to raise the children alone, it is likely that he did not have time to engage in himself and his personal life. With the departure of the children’s home, it’s time to make up for what has been lost. You can at least begin to communicate with a large number of people and get acquainted with new ones, which will allow you to look at yourself or yourself from a new angle.

Doing sports

It is known for certain that it has a very beneficial effect on the emotional state and mood, regardless of the reason for its deterioration. Training and physical activity are the first things that parents refuse after having children. But at the moment when the children grew up and no longer need parental care, the time comes when God himself commanded to take care of his body.

In the same case, if there is someone else whose “nest” is also empty, you can start going to the same trainings together. This is more fun, and you can give good advice to another person. In addition, communication can become more frequent, and this will serve as another reason to leave the "nest" in which there are no "chicks".

Going in for sports is also very useful in old age, for which aqua aerobics or yoga is very suitable. In turn, such physical exercises will become an incentive to exclude from life, for example, eating junk food or smoking.

Time to rest

Time, which now no longer needs to be devoted to anyone or anything urgent, can be successfully devoted to rest. It’s very useful and effective for a while to simply do nothing: relax, reflect and not start any activity.

After the birth of children, rest for many parents becomes something ephemeral and almost unrealistic, because caring for and raising children is associated with an incredible amount of work and care, from changing diapers and putting to sleep, preparing for school and teaching the mind. With the departure of children into adulthood, the long-awaited time comes when you can really reward yourself for all the years devoted to the child.

If you take a short break for doing nothing, you can, firstly, rest physically, and secondly, reflect on life, adapt to change, think about what you could do in the future.

And if happiness comes from a new feeling of freedom, this is simply wonderful. But if sadness prevails, then one should not despair, because it is just a reaction to sudden and rapid changes in life. Rest, however, will help to deal with spiritual strife, and will make it clear that sadness, longing, or depression are not connected at all with the fact that a beloved child has left his father’s house, but with the fact that, perhaps, some plans and plans were not realized . And this is the time to just do what I wanted to do all my life.

Hobbies and hobbies

Empty nest syndrome can be successfully overcome by dedicating time to some hobbies or hobbies. Now, having been freed from the cares and troubles of raising a child, you can finally learn how to play the guitar, learn computer skills, sign up for the gym or in general (by the way, the practice of traveling in pre-retirement and retirement age is very common in the West).

If there is something that carries away, no, this must be found. As a result, it will be possible to spend time, and distract from thoughts, and broaden one's horizons, and do much more. To find a new hobby, it is recommended to watch educational programs, often leave the house and visit new places, communicate with a large number of people and expand the circle of friends. To do all this is not at all difficult, and the result will be simply amazing.

Syndrome of an empty nest is by no means a sentence condemning to eternal suffering. This is just a mental reaction to life changes. Overcoming it is easy enough - you just need to understand that life is moving forward, children have the right to be independent and no longer depend on their parents, and now you yourself have a great opportunity to devote time to yourself and expand your boundaries.

Therefore, do not grieve, and as they say, do not keep the birds - let them fly!

How strange it is, at first you do your best to encourage children to be independent, and when they finally become independent, it hurts. Psychologists call the “empty nest” syndrome the feeling of loneliness and uselessness that occurs in parents when their children grow up and leave their home. How to overcome destructive emotions?

The “empty nest” syndrome arises when the only or last child enters an educational institution far from home, finds work in another city or even a country, marries (gets married) and begins to live separately. Women suffer from an “empty nest” more often than men, especially since the syndrome often coincides in time with the onset of other unpleasant events in a woman's life: menopause or the need to care for elderly relatives.

The occurrence of the "empty nest" syndrome is all the more likely if the child leaves the house too early for his age, or, oddly enough, too late after 30 years. It also often occurs in women and men for whom the parental role is fundamental in their life. Yesterday, you rushed home from work, prepared family dinners, took children in circles, celebrated family holidays together, discussed the news and were aware of all the events taking place in the child’s life. Now you need to look for a new object on which you can pour part of the care and love. The feeling of loneliness is often mixed with anxiety: how the child is there, whether he copes well, whether he misses you, like you. Now you are left alone with yourself, and many have already forgotten what they are, what they love and what they want. It's time to get to know this new person again.

How to counteract the empty nest syndrome?

• Do not get attached to the deadlines.   Do not compare the child with yourself at the same age: “I was still playing dolls at 16!” or "I have been living separately since 18!" Each person has his own ripening period and his own pace of life. Better think about how you can help your child facilitate the transition to adulthood, and here your experience and your mistakes will come in handy.
• Be always in touch.   With modern technology, it's as easy as ever. It is possible and necessary to maintain close relations with the child, despite the distances. The main thing is to maintain regular contact: through visits, phone calls, email, video chats. But do not be too intrusive, it is better to immediately determine with your child the frequency of contacts acceptable for both: for example, call every night, talk on Skype on weekends.


• Look at things positively. You cannot change circumstances, but you can change your view of them. Instead of grieving that you have to return to empty walls every night, rejoice that you have brought up and brought up the right independent person. Rejoice at the opportunity. How much free time and energy you will have to devote to your second half, work or personal interests.
• Learn something new.   It doesn’t matter if you hone your professional skills or discover new hobbies. There are many examples when young people made completely new careers by starting to paint or embroider paintings, write a book, play a musical instrument or learn a new language.
• Find a new facility to take care of.   The simplest thing is to look with new eyes at those who stayed nearby. Often, when children leave home, the feeling of a large and close-knit family disappears, which can lead to the separation of spouses from each other and even to divorce. Bring romance back to life, pay more attention to the remaining family members, because now you have time and opportunities for this. Surely now your parents or spouse's parents will need more help and care. But lonely people can be useful, and they can find a niche for unspent love. If you liked your child’s involvement in school life, then most likely you will succeed in any other forms of volunteering: help to orphanages, nursing homes, homeless people, people with disabilities, animal nurseries, help in religious communities, activity in housing associations . If social projects are not for you, get at least a puppy or a kitten. Having a puppy in the house is the same as having a newborn; he needs so much care and love.
• Travel   And it does not have to be distant countries and expensive resorts. Begin by starting with trips to nearby Golden Ring cities. What is it? Are you sure that you know everything about your hometown? Try to dig a little deeper - you will find many discoveries and new experiences!
• Work or moonlight.   I’m sure your professional skills will come in handy. You can devote yourself to your favorite work, or you can make your hobby a means of earning. If you can’t bear the thought of not communicating with children, you can find a part-time nanny job accompanying you, helping a neighbor's child do homework, or just walk with him.
• Take care of your health. You have free time, both in order to do prevention: to walk more, enroll in the pool, do fitness or yoga, and for direct treatment and visiting medical institutions, which is often very time-consuming.
• Take care of your appearance.   Loneliness is no reason to give up on yourself. Many beauty salons offer discounts for senior citizens or for those who can visit them in the morning. In the evenings, do face masks, take aromatic baths, do facial gymnastics.
• Communicate more outside the home.   It's time to renew friendship with old friends or find new friends. Great help in this will have communication on social networks. Surely you will find like-minded people living in the neighborhood to go to the pool or go shopping together. Or maybe go on a date?
• You can always seek professional help.   Do not be afraid or embarrassed to seek the help of a psychologist, even if it seems to you that the problem is insignificant and "happens to everyone." If you feel that you can not cope with the problem alone, then a competent psychologist will help you overcome it.

The consequences of the "empty nest" syndrome can be both negative and positive. Sometimes the inability to cope with the "empty nest" syndrome leads to a further worsening of the situation and more serious diseases: depression, alcoholism, conflicts with a spouse, and even divorce. But often overcoming it gives life a new meaning and a new impetus. Many families establish shaky personal relationships, find more time for new hobbies, and begin to travel more freely. Do not focus on absent children and your loneliness, it is better to look at it as a new milestone in your life, which can open up a lot of unknown opportunities for self-realization.

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Almost all parents face this situation - the children grew up and. Often in another city and even a country. “Empty nest syndrome,” as psychologists call this condition, can cause one of the spouses to be called.

Here are some tips to help parents of separated children cope with this situation and their emotions.

“Empty Nest Syndrome”, when the youngest of the children leaves the father’s home after brothers / sisters, can lead to feelings of anxiety, insomnia, nervous breakdown, and increased anxiety. You can understand this condition, because for many years it was noisy in the house, children were running, parents were busy with their affairs, there were a lot of worries. And now all this has stopped, a new stage has begun in the life of the spouses.

It is very important to understand that there is nothing terrible in this! Adult children should be independent, live separately from their parents. On the contrary, according to psychologists, often parents have to push their children to move and start an independent life. Our portal devoted an article to this situation.

Therefore, moving children is not evil at all, but good! They got married / married, went to study or work in another place, got their own families and housing. This is completely normal. At one time, you also left your parental home and embarked on "free swimming." It is on this thought that we need to focus first.

Children still stay in touch, there are telephones and the Internet. Set a rule - at least one call to parents daily, at a specific time. A few words: “How are you there?” Everything is good? What's new?" - help you to stay abreast of the life of adult children, maintain a close relationship with them.

Recall that you are not only parents

Yes, you are spouses! Friends and lovers, albeit not as passionate as they were decades ago. Now you can devote much more time to the second half. To go to rest only together, to go to the theater and cinema, just to a cafe, to sit together, as in the old days.

If only children connected the couple, then during this period they can leave. According to psychologists, this is not so scary if there really has been no love between the spouses for a long time, and they just raised their children together, "raised" them. Now it's time to think about yourself, new relationships are possible at any age.

If the spouses have maintained mutual feelings, then it's time to remember them. No need to cook for kids? Indulge the two of you with something tasty that you haven’t cooked for a long time. Now no one will definitely stop watching your favorite series together. You may be surprised how much you miss each other, for romance, sweet communication, general jokes and memories.

Recall past hobbies and hobbies

With the departure of children, parents have a lot of free time. It's time to remember that once you embroidered well and knew how to knit not only children's socks. You can also learn something new. For example, sign up for dancing. Why not, there are dance clubs and groups just for those who are “over 30”. In addition, there are evenings for people of this age where they meet, socialize, and can dance to the music of their youth.

Do not forget your friends. If they are in the same situation now, it's time to talk more often, together coping with the "empty nest syndrome" and remembering what parties you had before the birth of the children.

Rate the benefits of the new position

Yes, in fact, your position has many advantages. Now you only need to cook for two, the cost of food is significantly reduced, you can save by saving money on travel. No need to clean up the mess in the nursery, where even teenagers managed to pretty litter and mess up.

The house has silence, cleanliness, washing has become much less ... Are these not pluses? Again, the mass of time freed from household chores can be used with great benefit, for your favorite activities and hobbies. Put a plus sign where you saw only a minus! In the end, your children are doing well; they don’t need your constant care.

Do not change life radically

Psychologists warn that it is not worth immediately after moving children to radically change their lives. Some parents have a desire, for example, to sell an apartment and move to the country to live there permanently. Or change housing to a more modest, or move after the children to another city. Do not hurry! Give yourself time to get used to the new situation, do not get excited.

Such decisions cannot be made when worries about leaving the children are still fresh. You can regret later about the perfect act. So far, live together in the same place together, without fundamentally changing your environment, habits and place. Children will come to visit, there will be grandchildren who will “throw” you on vacation. And it turns out that everything is not bad, life goes on and goes on.

"Empty Nest Syndrome" is a normal condition! There are parents whom he passes, yes. According to reviews, some, on the contrary, were very happy to stay together, marrying all their children. But still, more than half of parents have this condition in one way or another manifested. Especially for mothers.

If you are worried about the fact that children now have their own lives, apart from you, use the advice of psychologists. Give yourself time to recover and positively perceive a new stage in your life. You are still quite young and there are many beautiful days ahead.

Understanding life makes life itself easier.

“I have invested all my life in him, I haven’t slept at night, but he grew up, lives his own life and won’t even ask about his health”

How often do we sometimes give up on relationships, in children, in life. This happens when we do not receive anything in return, but invest in these relationships, in children, a very, very much of our strength, time, love. And in the end, we remain at the trough of our life.

Children grew up - flew away. And they don’t even call. And questions remain, questions. Why did it all turn out like this: give-give-away and get nothing in return? Why?!

Is the river flowing from the bottom up?

When you look at young children as they play, you see that they really want to be like adults. A girl takes a doll, and for her she is her daughter, she puts her in a stroller. The boy plays war, sees himself as a superhero who protects everyone. They want to be adults. We are all striving for development, forward. Therefore, it is natural that parents constantly think about children, and vice versa - not always. At least this is not set by life. Children receive from parents and later give to their children.

Why the reverse doesn't work

According to the systemic vector psychology of Yuri Burlan, the mother has a strong maternal instinct for her children. This is a natural, very powerful incentive. Thanks to him, the mother takes care of her child unconditionally.

But children do not have strong anxiety and concern for their parents, instinctive, animal. In the opposite direction, this does not work. And this is also a natural mechanism created so that children who have reached a certain age begin to create their own families, and not stay forever with their parents.

And if you think about it, it’s very wisely arranged. But sometimes, giving the children all of themselves without a trace, sometimes sacrificing their personal lives, careers, free time, we seem to be entitled to expect something in return, some kind of compensation.

Unjustified expectations

And when this does not happen, we can be offended to the core. After all, we did not spare anything for our children, and they? How could they do that? But these unjustified expectations from children often lead to poor family relationships, creating an oppressive atmosphere called: “You owe me, you owe me, for your whole life you will not pay with me.”

And the truth is: do not pay. This is an impossible task for anyone. Such a task is not worth it. But there is another thing - the veneration of parents, and this is brought up and formed.

Cultural superstructure

By nature, the instinct of caring for parents is not given, and it is useless to demand. This is a cultural superstructure that has been inculcated since childhood. The closeness to the emotional connection that the mother (!) Creates with the baby, fosters in him the ability to feel the other, to empathize and be complicit in others, including his parents.

Parents who bring up egoism in children in the spirit of “spit on everyone and success awaits you in life” reap the fruits of erroneous upbringing in old age: children abandon them or “surrender” them to a nursing home.

In children with an anal vector, in relation to the structure of their psyche, the attitude to the mother as something holy is more developed, and therefore such children usually do not have problems with giving to their parents, in particular, the mother. Since childhood, they have built close intimacy, friendship, affection with mom. But it is they who, if they have strong grievances against their mother, are fenced off from her, as if taking revenge in this way.

Skin children have a sense of duty and responsibility. If a skin son or daughter is developed and implemented, then they will really take good care of their parents. This, of course, is not about a close emotional connection, but financially they will take care of their parents. If a person with a skin vector is not developed and implemented, then he, on the contrary, will sit on the neck of elderly parents, without a twinge of conscience, count on their pension, wait for the inheritance.

Visual children will be taken care of out of compassion if taught from childhood and are themselves in a realized state. Otherwise, it could be blackmail, a game of public - in order to attract attention to “yourself unhappy”.

Attitude to parents is our relationship with the Higher power

System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan reveals a very simple and important law of life: the child’s attitude to parents is his relationship with the Higher Power, with life.

How good his relationship with his parents is (or rather, the child’s attitude to his parents - regardless of what these parents were), so is his fate. Resentment to parents, the desire to disown them - poisons the life of the offender himself. Violation of the laws of nature always distorts one’s own life.

Training in systemic vector psychology of Yuri Burlan so saturates and harmonizes a person’s life that he naturally establishes a connection with parents and his children. This happens, in particular, because we understand the behavior of the other better than himself, and any claims naturally disappear.

The hardest parents

Parents with an anal vector are more concerned about “debt recovery”. This is due to the characteristics of their psyche. The keywords of anal people - “the past, the transfer of experience and knowledge” - play a cruel joke here, and therefore the dramas of fathers and children often unfold, where both sides do not understand each other due to different natural properties.

People with an anal vector in their unrealized states are sent back to the past, where everything was different, not like it is now, but like their fathers and great-grandfathers.

People with an anal vector are the best, faithful fathers and the most caring mothers and wives, the best teachers. They perfectly cope with their task of transferring experience and knowledge to future generations if they realize their properties for the benefit of society. But in their unrealized states, they pose a threat to both themselves and their children. Without realizing their huge mental potential, they will tend to constantly criticize their children, depriving them of the necessary praise and approval, instead of directing it in the right direction.

And if such mothers or fathers do not realize their sexual potential, which they have is very high by nature, then this can result in a beating of children. Anal unrealized dads raise a hand on their wives. And sexually unrealized women beat their children. They themselves do not understand what is happening to them at such moments, and do not realize this. And it can be repeated over and over again. Children suffer most from this.

Of course, it is not at all easy for women with an anal vector. They sometimes, having no help from the state or from their ex-husband, raise children alone, raise them, give them an education, forgetting about themselves, their body and soul needs, trying to give their children the best. Sleepless nights next to children. Missed possible relationships with men for children.

And when the time comes to look back at her life, she realizes that her youth is gone, she is already a gray-haired woman, exhausted by such a difficult life, who worked at several jobs. And here also the grown up children do not pay attention to her at all, and you won’t get any words of gratitude from them. They will leave and will not say thanks. As if it should have been. What should she do now? How to calm your broken heart, to whom to lay your head and with whom to talk about it, so as not to be judged, but understood? ..

Giving children - and what in return?

What satisfaction can a woman count on giving her whole life to her children and not receiving anything in return? What to do with empty nest syndrome? After all, man is the principle of pleasure. And what kind of pleasure could she get without sleeping at night, working in three shifts, having lost her relationship? Why, then, even if everything looks good, is something missing?

The fact is that in our time, giving birth and raising a child is not enough. Yes, before. This was the role of women. From this she began, this ended. Today, fulfilling the function of past eras, preserving and continuing itself in time, a woman is not filled with the meaning of life, does not enjoy. Today she will be a mother at least three times, four times, and at least 10-15 she will have children. And she will grow all and give education, and even all of them will grow up decent people. And they will be grateful to you, and will give something in return for your care. It will not save you from yourself. Now it is impossible to live, as 100 years ago, and to be satisfied with family life.

It is the failure to receive this gratitude from the children, from the husband, that creates the shortage that a woman must fill by taking her talents and love out into the society. Not only to their children and their small family, but realizing themselves among others. There are children who do not know at all what mom and dad are, are not familiar with this relationship. Having given them a particle of ourselves, of our love, we are filled much stronger from them, from our bestowal.

Get out of the framework “my family”, “my children”, look wider on the sides, where they need my qualities, in my love. Today, a woman sets the tone like never before. And most importantly, what she can do is be realized among other people.

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