As statistics show, unfortunately, after a few years married life, the marriage breaks up and even a common child will not be able to save it. Young children, as a rule, remain to live with their mother. Growing up without a father is a rather difficult period, and it is unknown how a child will perceive the news about the appearance of a stepfather in the house. But mom may have new man, and their relationship can be so serious that the woman decides to create new family. In this case, it is unknown how the child may perceive the entry of a stranger into their home. A child should not immediately show fiery feelings for his stepfather and throw himself on his neck; for him, the “new dad” is a stranger to whom he needs to get used. This is quite understandable; the mother’s task is to make the process of bringing two people dear to her together as friendly as possible. The most important thing is not to traumatize the child’s psyche; it is a mistake to think that the child does not understand anything. It goes without saying that the child does not understand the relationships between adults, but he feels everything perfectly. After all, a child always unmistakably identifies good man, he knows who to trust and who not. It’s good if your new lover manages to quickly establish contact with your child, or maybe your son or daughter will even be afraid of meeting him. The mother must be able to smooth out this delicate situation, explain everything to the child in such a way as to win him over to the future stepfather.
Stages of acquaintance between stepfather and child
It is important to understand that a positive outcome largely depends on the woman; first of all, your new man must have detailed information about your child (character, temperament, affection, etc.) even before meeting him. You should not make sharp and hasty decisions; it is better to wait for an opportunity. Be patient and the right opportunity will come your way. Surprise - no The best decision question, the first meeting of your lover with a child should not be sudden. The appearance of a “new dad” in the family should be smooth and gradual. Choose any neutral territory for the first meeting between the child and the future stepfather: a park, a cafe or any other public place. For example, a seemingly “random” meeting you organized during a walk would be suitable. You will have the opportunity to introduce your chosen one to the child, but first introduce your beloved as your friend; of course, you should not hug and kiss in front of the child. With this behavior you will simply scare away the baby and make him dislike your companion. So, the first meeting is over, your next steps are to talk to your child about your new acquaintance. Of course, at first the child may not be comfortable in his company, and that’s normal! Ask your son or daughter if he liked your friend, if the child has a desire to meet him again. Try to answer all the questions about your chosen one as honestly as possible, you can tell your son or daughter about how you spend time with this man, tell him that you like his new friend. At the same time, do not impose your opinion on the child, it is too early. It is clear that under no circumstances should you force your child to call your new husband dad; the child must decide for himself how to address his stepfather. Even if there is a lot between you and your new friend strong feelings, take your time to live together. Otherwise, the child may think that his mother has found a replacement for him; in addition, for the child, the “new dad” is a rival to his own dad. You need to get used to this situation gradually. Do not put pressure on the child, otherwise you risk frightening him for a long time. In your case, there is no need to rush things. Do not force or force your child to fall in love with your new life partner. Leave them alone with the child if, for example, you notice that they are enthusiastically doing something or playing together. The child must meet this person and get to know him better. It’s not bad if they prepare something together, without your participation. Let's say they'll give you a surprise for the international women's day, choose a gift together. The future stepfather should be the first to invite your child to choose and prepare a gift for his mother, and it does not matter whether you have a son or a daughter. The stepfather must love your child. You all need to spend more time together, praise your child, don’t be sorry for him kind words. Let your child get used to your lover. Remember one special rule - than older child, the more difficult the process of addiction will be, especially when it comes to adolescence. During this period, it is very easy to turn a child against yourself; it is enough if, upon coming to your family, the “new dad” immediately starts with critical remarks, reproaches, and jokes, this will only arouse hatred and aggression in the child. Children of this age require a different approach. And you will have to come to terms with it. But don’t overdo it, realizing that the child for some reason does not accept your new man, you absolutely cannot scold your son or daughter for this, it is not the child’s fault that this person is unpleasant to him. But you shouldn’t be upset, don’t rush, over time the child will be able to get used to his stepfather. Even though you have a new partner in your life, your child should feel that you still love him very much and that this person can never take his place in your life.
Living together
Having decided to start life together, be sure to talk with the “new dad” about issues of upbringing, what you resolutely prohibit, what you consider correct, discuss ways of further upbringing, you need to come to a common denominator. Your future husband should also understand that parenting does not mean only punishing and prohibiting, it also means friendly support, recommendations and participation in the child’s life. You can start a life together with your chosen one when your offer to stay overnight with you does not cause embarrassment in the child. Maybe the baby will even be happy, because he will have someone to play with in the evening. Over time, he will become close to his new friend, and they will spend more time together. Do not insist that your child call the new person dad; agree on what kind of address will be acceptable for everyone - simply by first name or patronymic name, or “Uncle Kolya,” for example. When the child wants and feels such a need, in the future he himself will begin to call his stepfather dad, but this will happen if they manage to make friends and get closer. And the mother should help and support this friendship in every possible way. A great way for the “future dad” to get closer, find out what the child is interested in, if his hobby is sports, go to training with him, buy the necessary sports equipment. Jointly organized leisure activities bring people together very closely; the stepfather should take the child to a cafe, to the cinema, to the zoo, or take him on an excursion. This makes it easier to find out the child’s preferences and let him understand that his opinion is also taken into account; common positive emotions are the best impetus for rapprochement. The stepfather has an excellent chance to fully integrate into the new family if he does not treat your child as a stranger, but perceives him as his own. If a man cares about his relationship with you, he should also take care of your child.
If you, dear mothers, are lucky enough to meet a new loved one, do not rush to introduce him to your child and immediately move in together, pretending happy family. The most important question you should ask yourself is: “How to adapt your baby to a new family member?” Someone doesn't pay attention special attention at this point and in the future faces serious problems. And someone, on the contrary, is very immersed in experiences of on this occasion that decides to sacrifice his relationship in favor of the peace of mind of his child. There is no universal answer to this question: situations in each family are individual. You need to understand your child and put yourself in his position. Do not put pressure and in no case rush things by imposing a new relationship with your future stepfather.
"Uncle" or "Dad"?
It is accepted in society that in such a situation the new family member should be called “dad.” But why force a child to say this word if he doesn’t want to? Psychologists say that it is better to call your stepfather by name. While showing respect for the person who will live with you under the same roof. In this case, the child will not have confusion in his head. After all, if the baby was already familiar with his biological father and called him “dad,” then why should he call another man the same word?
Children, as a rule, understand that every baby should have a mother and father. Many questions arise at once: “why do I have two dads?” or “why should I call this person dad if I already have a dad?” When asking mothers “why do they tell their children to call their stepfather daddy?”, we heard the following answers: “because the family will be stronger this way,” “it’s more convenient,” “the child himself began to say that.” In fact, not a single mother understands why they call their stepfather dad. For them, the answer is “that’s how it is.” A child cannot independently start calling his stepfather dad; a child is a “sponge” that absorbs everything it hears. This means that in your family you yourself began to emphasize that the new member should be called “dad”.
Not all children dare to ask questions that concern them when a new man appears in the house. Some are too modest and shy for this. Such kids remain ignorant and do not understand what is happening in the family. “Why do we need some kind of uncle at all, if my mother and I had a good time together?!” Therefore, children simply cease to understand the role of the father, distinguish between family roles and recognize authorities in the house. Or they will simply consider themselves guilty, not understanding what exactly.
Child's relationship with a new family member
The child's relationship with his stepfather should begin to develop long before you begin to live with a man under the same roof. There is no need to force events and “drag” the child with his new lover to the park for a walk, to the circus, to an ice cream parlour, and so on. Invite your chosen one to your place for a quiet dinner quiet evening. Introducing a baby to a new person should happen calmly and gradually, without unnecessary emotions, so as not to scare your little child.
Meetings with your lover should take place at home only in the presence of the child and when he is awake. A potential “dad” must first gain the baby’s trust, because children feel whether a person is bad or good, evil or kind. When the baby meets his stepfather, leave them alone for 10-15 minutes so that they find common interests. But you shouldn't interfere. Thus, you yourself will understand whether this person can cope with the responsibilities of a father. With the development of such a gradual relationship, the child himself must determine who this man will be for him. At the same time, the stepfather must decide on his role in the family. Who will he be: “dad” or “uncle”.
The most difficult period for children is 3-7 years. This especially applies to boys. At this age, boys are already forming their own selves. Especially if he is the only man in the family. He is already the owner and his mother is his only one. At this age you need to be extremely careful.
What not to do
make sure that the new man does not make his own rules and dictate his demands;
if your ex-husband insists on meeting with your children, and the child does not mind, then do not prohibit this communication;
Never compare your father with your stepfather.
If you see a man’s clear position on starting a family, then there should be no acute problems with your child’s acquaintance with his stepfather. You do not need to interfere in new relationships that are developing, just try to coordinate and monitor their development. Communicate with your child more often, discuss all issues related to the new family member. This way you will find out how the child feels about his stepfather. If the child does not make any contact with his stepfather, and reacts sharply to all your actions, then, alas, this person is not suitable for your family. Otherwise, constant scandals will occur, and the child will simply become angry not only with his stepfather, but also with you. And you simply risk losing the trust of your beloved baby!
Of course, you are worried whether everything will go smoothly. Don't worry, we know what to do!
Surely you have come a long way between the point where you gave birth to your baby and the point where you have to introduce him to the person who claims to live with you for the rest of his life. Most likely, this path included divorce, meeting people who disappointed you, getting to know this person. Distrust lives inside you - what if nothing works out again? Or will the child not accept the “new dad”? Or will the man himself not like your baby, and he won’t be able to find an approach to him? Don't panic! A man who loves you can love your child too. The main thing is to conduct the first meeting correctly.
Make sure it's time
Actually, it’s not difficult to verify this. Your chosen one will tell you himself that he wants to meet your child. The main thing is to weigh your own feelings- Do you want this person to stay with you for a long time? If you want, consider that the right time for dating has come. Now you need to arrange the acquaintance correctly.
Prepare the man and child
Surely your man is also very worried. Talk to him, explain that you do not expect him to immediately love your child as his own. It will be enough if he tries to look at him as a separate person. She may be small and unable to take care of herself, but she is a person. With your interests, feelings and thoughts. There is something to talk to him about, he has something to tell.
Talk to your child too. If he knows his real father, explain that this person does not pretend to take his place, that a child can only have one dad. But it’s not bad at all if you have a reliable friend who will love you, take care of you, and try to make your life better. Tell him that his appearance will not jeopardize the baby’s relationship with his father, but, on the contrary, will complement your life. Speak honestly with your child; children sense falsehood better than anyone else, and it will instill distrust in him.
Come up with a scenario
Your child's first meeting with your crush will likely be as awkward as your first date. So that you do not painfully try to figure out what to say and how to behave, prepare everything in advance. Start the evening by going to a movie, a play, or a short excursion - somewhere where all three of you can get new experiences. And then go to a cafe to discuss what you saw and have a snack. Choose a cafe where the child will feel comfortable - let it be a pizzeria or even McDonald's.
Prepare a couple of stories just in case, if the impressions of the cinema or theater are over, and the evening is not yet over, you can use them. For example, tell your child that your man is the best archer, plays the guitar coolly, or has traveled half the world. Something from his biography that will make the baby look at your chosen one with curiosity and respect.
Don't interfere
Let the man and the child build their relationship themselves; if they start a conversation, don’t interfere. Surely they will be able to find a common language, because at least one of them, the older one, is vitally interested in this.
Talk to your child about everything that happened
Be sure to ask him if he liked your new friend, if he wants to go somewhere together again. Don’t rush things; after just a couple of months of regular meetings, your baby will consider your man an integral part of your life.
(separation) of parents for a child is pain, collapse, loss, loss. Separation from one of the parents causes a number of fears in a child: fear of never seeing dad again, fear of being abandoned by parents and losing the people he loves most. Separation from the father is not just disappointment, sadness, fear, but also a loss of oneself, because the child “accepts himself” as part of a loved one.
Separation makes a boy more lonely because he loses the masculine parts of his personality: strength, independence, confidence. Separation (divorce) from one of the parents quite often leads to the formation of neurotic symptoms (nocturnal enuresis, difficulties at school, aggressiveness, increased excitability, psychosomatic diseases, etc.). If parents don't find common language with each other, this leads children to serious conflicts.
Moms, if your child wants to see the father who left the family, this is not a betrayal on his part... This is just proof of strong love and affection for the second parent.
But can separation from your father, with all the pain and inevitable scars, have positive consequences? Yes, maybe, if the relationship with my father continues.
Continuing the relationship with the father is vital for the child. Every child should be sure that mom and dad continue to love him. Every child should know that he himself has the right to love both parents.
It is great if after a divorce the father continues to take care of the child, helps in preparing lessons and discusses school problems, and not just helps financially. A child, and especially a son, must be sure that separation will not affect joint activities and hobbies. With a change in the father's place of residence, the relationship will remain the same.
Unfortunately, in many cases, after a few years, the frequency and regularity of communication with the father may decline. Fathers who have left the family must remember that the role of a parent is not transferred to anyone and does not change. A child of any age needs a father, both at 5 years old for construction or hockey, and at 13-15 years old for a heart-to-heart conversation that will not take place with the mother.
Meetings with the father should be planned in advance, because a routine will bring confidence to the child during a difficult period. The father also should not disrupt the child at any time convenient for him. All meetings should be discussed in advance so that the child is emotionally prepared. If the child is not ready to attend new house Father, you shouldn’t insist on meeting there. You can meet on neutral territory, where the child is comfortable and calm.
Dear parents who have decided to do this difficult step, think about the child! Help him get through the separation period. Do not allow yourself negative comments about the parent who left the family. Form in yourself an adequate internal attitude towards the person with whom you had to break up, but who is the closest to the child. Strategies like these can really help you cope with your parents' divorce. Separation from the father will not become a life trauma for the child, but will be an event that brings him a certain internal and difficult experience.
A lot of events happen in a child’s life, but there are some that will never change. Let your child know that there will always be a mother in his life - kind, loving and sympathetic. There will always be a protective dad, a friend dad, to whom you can tell everything and who will teach you what they will never tell you at school. There will always be a home where they will feed him deliciously, listen, understand and support him!
