There may be several reasons for such a decision. As a rule, the main one is financial difficulties when both of you have nowhere to move yet. So the most important rule is not to delay living together and look for opportunities to separate as soon as possible. It’s better to rent a room in an apartment with girlfriends than to continue seeing your ex every day.

If you prefer to live with ex-husband in the same house, maybe you're just not ready to finally let go of this relationship and are hoping for a resumption of the romance? Or he is using you: it is convenient for him to continue living in this format - without obligations, but in a comfortable, tidy apartment. Analyze your motives to draw some conclusions and change the situation.

Some couples with children maintain the appearance of a relationship even after a divorce, so as not to harm the child’s psyche. Don't deceive yourself - the child will feel everything. Most likely, you will constantly have conflicts against the backdrop of living together and lack of love.

Try to follow these rules if you decide to live with your ex-husband:

• What is temporary should not become permanent. Your task is to finally end the relationship as quickly as possible, put this at the forefront and work on solving the problem.
• Answer honestly the question of whether you want to save the relationship. There are many stories of couples starting dating again after a divorce. And then they get married a second time. Maybe this is just your case?
• Agree on everyday things. Now this is not your lover, but just a neighbor. How to live with your ex-husband after divorce? Household responsibilities should be divided in half. This also applies to nutrition issues: divide the shelves in the refrigerator and eat separately from each other. This is important because conflicts often arise in everyday life. And besides, common life creates the illusion that you are still together.
• Don't lose your self-esteem. No matter how hard it is to see each other every day, try to be calm. Psychological balance will help you cope with this time easier.
• Some manage to live with their ex-husband in the same room. Now this is completely beyond the bounds! This option is not even worth considering.
• If your ex has problems with alcohol, drugs, or has ever laid a hand on you, do everything to avoid living with him after breaking up. This can be very dangerous for your health and life.

Hello, Alexander!

How to find a way out of the situation considering that I live in the same apartment and theoretically see the children, but in fact I cannot participate in their upbringing
Alexander

I think you should file a lawsuit about the order of communication with children and set out in detail the whole situation.

According to Article 66 of the RF IC 1. A parent living separately from the child has the right to communicate with the child, participate in his upbringing and resolve issues regarding the child’s education.
The parent with whom the child lives should not interfere with the child’s communication with the other parent, if such communication does not harm the child’s physical and mental health or his moral development.
2. Parents have the right to enter into a written agreement on the procedure for exercising parental rights by a parent living separately from the child.
If the parents cannot come to an agreement, the dispute is resolved by the court with the participation of the guardianship and trusteeship authority at the request of the parents (one of them). At the request of the parents (one of them) in the manner established by civil procedural legislation, the court, with the obligatory participation of the guardianship and trusteeship authority, has the right to determine the procedure for the exercise of parental rights for the period before the court decision enters into legal force.

I understand that the law states about a parent living separately, but we need to present the situation as it is.

In addition, I recommend that you contact the guardianship and trusteeship authorities with a statement regarding the improper performance of parental responsibilities by your spouse, since children should have their own regime and daily routine, and sitting with the child until the night with relatives causes harm to the child’s health.

Article 5.35 of the Code of Administrative Offenses of the Russian Federation 1. Failure to comply or improper fulfillment by parents or other legal representatives minor duties for the maintenance, upbringing, training, protection of the rights and interests of minors - entails a warning or the imposition of an administrative fine in the amount of one hundred to five hundred rubles.

Also, in the application, indicate that the mother does not allow communication with the children and ask that they be brought to administrative responsibility. It is possible that if the guardianship draws up a protocol and holds the person accountable, the fact will be established and accepted by the court as valid evidence.

2. Violation by parents or other legal representatives of minors rights and interests of minors, expressed in deprivation of their right to communicate with their parents or close relatives, if such communication does not contradict the interests of children, in deliberately concealing the location of children against their will, in failure to comply with a court decision to determine the place of residence of children, including a court decision to determine the place of residence of children for the period before the entry into force of the court decisions to determine their place of residence, failure to comply with a court decision on the procedure for the exercise of parental rights or on the procedure for the exercise of parental rights for the period before the entry into force of a court decision, or otherwise preventing parents from exercising their rights to raise and educate children and to protect their rights and interests , - entails the imposition of an administrative fine in the amount of two thousand to three thousand rubles.

A divorce stamp in a passport by itself, as you understand, does not solve any problems. Neither psychological, nor everyday, nor legal. And if you were the initiator of the divorce, like the other 68 percent of divorced couples in the country, you will have to act decisively and firmly.

Emotions
Of course, you are also “sick of divorce” from a psychological point of view. If you follow the advice of professionals, you should not let go of divorce depression. more than a year. It may be possible to cope, but this is unlikely to be realistic in your case, when the gap did not occur either in time or in space, and the person with whom you lived half your life is still nearby, only in a completely different capacity. When it’s “out of sight,” it’s easier to say “out of mind.” Your version, Tatyana, is a monstrous extreme sport, however, one of the most popular in its native country. Thousands of women fall into the “living space” trap, and life with their ex-husband on shared square meters turns into everyday unbearable torture. You are not in a worse situation yet - there are no young children, your husband, apparently, does not drink or be rowdy, and certainly does not raise his hand against you, as in hundreds of other similar cases. In fact, it is the housing trap that forces many women to bury themselves in the ruins of their marriage. Why put the notorious stamp when there is nowhere to go anyway?
But you decided to get a divorce, which means you had some option, at least approximate, in your head. I even know which one. As a decent person, he will immediately leave, leaving me the apartment. Or, as a last resort, we will peacefully look for options to leave. It is so? Alas. Well, judge for yourself, if your husband were so mentally sensitive, intelligent and decent, would you and he have reached the last point of your marriage? Where then come from the unbearable grievances that you write about, the pangs of jealousy and everything else that forced you to separate? So we should hardly be surprised at his current behavior. Rather, on the contrary, you received yet another proof of the correctness of your decision. And if you can’t wait for mercy from him, then you have to act on your own. If he is not bothered by your living together (although, to be honest, one can assume that he is not completely indifferent to you either, his attempts to prove this are too demonstrative), and this hell is simply destructive for you - you must first of all save yourself. And the first step is not to see and not to hear.

Practice
Unfortunately, given his persistent reluctance to sell the apartment and buy two new ones, you have practically no real options for leaving. Yes, you can, of course, sell your and your daughter’s two shares and thereby arrange a real communal apartment for your ex-husband. But if you find a buyer, that is also problematic, since the new owner may have difficulties obtaining your husband’s consent to his registration. There are a lot of subtleties here that no lawyer will undertake to explain in absentia. It’s better to go to a legal consultation and, for about two thousand, get a qualified certificate for your specific situation. After all, even the date of privatization of the apartment matters here. You can also discuss the issue of forced exchange through the court with a lawyer. Although all this, as you understand, will require your considerable strength and resources. But, who knows, maybe somewhere halfway through these judicial problems your husband will want to quickly solve the problem, agree to calmly move to a new passion or sell this apartment and buy two, suitable for you and him. Or he will agree to buy out your shares from you and your daughter. And this money may be enough for a small apartment. But, most importantly, he will understand that you are ready for decisive action, and not playing the role of a lamb to the slaughter.
Or here’s another option - rent an apartment for yourself, go live with your daughter or friend, and try to rent out your room. The husband, of course, will object, create all sorts of obstacles, and most likely nothing will come of this idea. But the nightly screenings themselves, with the appearance of potential neighbors, will play a mise-en-scène - no worse than Raikin’s “The Power of Art.” A little plagiarism won't hurt you. But perhaps in a month the issue will be resolved by itself.
And renting an apartment yourself is also not as exotic as it seems. You were going to give money to your husband, spend it on yourself. Yes, you will have to do without your favorite kitchen with your favorite juicer and meat grinder and even without a bunch of things dear to your heart, but believe me, all of them are not worth your very heart, for which there have been too many trials.
Most of our problems come from the fact that we are trying to solve a very difficult issue immediately and forever. And most often you have to act progressively, in small steps. But act. This Lifebuoy under any stress.

Your own script
“Not seeing and not hearing” is possible, even if it is not yet possible to physically separate. In the end, there is a good actress in each of us, why not take advantage of it? Come up with a different name for your husband, and it’s better if it’s a character familiar to you, but completely indifferent. For example, a colleague from a parallel department. So, now the husband is Ivan Ivanovich. And your behavior should be adequate to your behavior with Ivan Ivanovich. Hello - goodbye, cold bow, thank you - please. It’s funny and useful, even if you suddenly call your husband by someone else’s name. The ex-husband set the distance, increase it yourself. No attempts to sort things out, no complaints. Bring your friends and also better friend. No? Just ask the same Ivan Ivanovich. Hardly anyone would turn down a little adventure. And you will be a little distracted from mourning thoughts. It will even be funny to see how your ex-husband will react to your chicken baked not for him and other preparations for a romantic dinner.
But all these “games” do not cancel the main thing - you are looking for ways to leave as quickly as possible.
And try not to succumb to the extremely unconstructive, although quite fair thesis - why should I, why shouldn’t he? Who owes whom, you couldn’t find out in 25 years life together, it’s unlikely that it will work out now. But the fact that it is you who must preserve yourself as a reasonable, strong and ready woman for a new life is certain. And, you know, among other things, this is a very exciting activity.

Irina ALEXANDROVA

In psychology, divorce is called the death of a relationship. How to live after a divorce in the same apartment if people become strangers to each other? Is it possible to continue to share shelter with your ex-husband and at the same time remain a calm, balanced, self-confident woman?

If a couple has decided to separate completely, as a rule, there is no desire to communicate in the future.

Nevertheless, it is often necessary to share one living space after a divorce, because the housing issue is always a problem. It is not possible to leave immediately, since changing an apartment is sometimes difficult, and it takes time.

In addition, sometimes people hesitate because they simply feel sorry for destroying something that has been created over the years. We need to look for an option that would suit both parties.

There are many cases when relatives of a divorced couple prevent the final separation. For various reasons, former spouses live under the same roof, and they have no choice but to live almost under the same conditions and continue to run a joint household.

Although this situation is difficult, it has not only negative sides, but also positive ones. In this state of affairs, there is always constant emotional tension, and if one of the couple cannot come to terms with separation and divorce, then life is filled with scandals, exhausting showdowns, reproaches, and people constantly experience stress.

Impact of divorce on children

According to psychologists, living under the same roof after a divorce has a negative impact on the younger generation. The attitude of children towards their parents' divorce is a very complex topic that requires serious attention. Constantly conflicting parents, forced to live in the same apartment after a divorce, drag their children into their squabbles, affecting their psyche in a far from positive way.

Children in such families become aggressive, anxious, they experience self-doubt and distrust of others. It is clear that such a life causes psychological trauma in the child, which in the future may require special treatment.

The disadvantage of living in the same apartment after separation is that neither partner has the opportunity to arrange a personal life. In such a situation, it is unrealistic to invite someone home. If everyone lived separately, matters of the heart would be settled faster. And if one of the former spouses is aggressive and suffers from jealousy, then there is no need to talk about a new relationship while people are in the same apartment.

It happens that after a divorce, a couple realizes that the separation was premature. The passions have subsided, the grievances no longer seem so significant, and the woman understands that she could make peace with her ex-husband, because it turned out that they are still attractive to each other.

Is reconciliation possible?

How do they live in the same apartment after a divorce, if there is an opportunity to look at their partner differently, to evaluate him as a stranger?

After some time, the spouses may forget about the reason that pushed them to break up. Perhaps someone will think: “Why do I live separately, because everything could have been different?” This is a very treacherous situation, and psychologists emphasize that caution is required here.

Very often, the return of former feelings is an illusion, and after a short time the partners again feel dissatisfied with each other.

If a woman begins to become interested in her ex-husband, who is now unavailable, and rediscovers many positive traits in him, she should think carefully before trying to get her husband back after a divorce. In any case, if it’s not possible to separate, you need to decide how to live so as not to irritate each other.

First, all household issues should be resolved. That is, you will have to agree where personal belongings will be located, who will use them and at what time. washing machine. The right decision There will be a section for dishes and even shelves in the refrigerator. Such measures are necessary, because practice shows that the most heated quarrels arise precisely because of little things.

How to make your life easier?

If everyday issues are successfully resolved, living together under one roof after a divorce will not be so painful, and fewer conflicts will arise on this basis. This situation implies that the spouses will be able to communicate as neighbors and even provide each other with support, at least in small things.

If there are no complaints against each other, such life proceeds calmly, and one can peacefully coexist for months and even years. But, if after a divorce life turns into hell, when every action of the former other half is perceived as a personal insult, you need to leave urgently. Moreover, it is better to agree to conditions that do not suit you very much than to live in a state of constant stress.

In addition, one of the spouses can temporarily move in with relatives, friends, or simply rent an apartment. To preserve your health, physical and physical, you should not spare any expense. It should be remembered: even if you only feel hostility towards your ex-partner, this is not a reason for petty intrigues.

In any situation, you should maintain your self-esteem. If even after a divorce you had to live together, it is important not to lose mutual respect; this will help solve the problem together and without damage to both parties.

Is peaceful coexistence possible?

Divorce is a serious step. For some, this is a long-awaited deliverance, but for others, it is a real tragedy that is difficult to survive. Moreover, it is very difficult to come to terms with what is happening, to accept the breakdown of relationships as inevitable if you have to live in the same apartment even after a divorce. What happens when ex-spouses continue to live together, becoming strangers?

Few people live peacefully; in most cases, people’s behavior involves scandals, including assault, noisy divisions of property, and throwing mud at each other. If the divorced couple is represented by adequate people, it is quite possible to count on a further prosperous life, even if it is not yet possible to live separately.

And if the ex-husband is an alcoholic, a tyrant, a crazy jealous person, then he will not change in the future; it is difficult to come to an agreement with such a person. A woman can spend a lot of effort to somehow resolve the situation without annoying the children, but there will still be no improvement. In such cases, you can decide to sell your share of the home and use the resulting amount as a down payment on your mortgage.

In such cases, some people prefer to rent an apartment just to live in peace. Of course, you don’t want to pay for someone else’s housing, but it’s also wrong to be under the same roof with a person full of hatred. You need to solve the problem and make a decision as early as possible.

Gerda

Hello. I am 38 years old. My husband is 50. Our marriage is repeated for both of us. We've been living together for 10 years. From my first marriage I have a son, 17 years old. His husband adopted him. Eat joint child 10 years. From his first marriage, my husband has 2 sons, 28 and 26 years old. His ex-wife is the same age as him. I met my husband when he was already divorced. They lived in the same apartment with their ex-wife. I got pregnant. She refused to have an abortion. It was difficult for the husband, one might say ashamed, to leave his first wife. I felt guilty before the children (perhaps also before my ex-wife?). And as I understood, he couldn’t leave me either, because I’m pregnant. A child was born. We got married almost a year after birth. (Am I ashamed in front of the children from 1 marriage and relatives that he will be married to another?, but also ashamed in front of my relatives that he is not married to me?) At first I even tried to make a proposal that he would live with 2 families: spend the night here and there here! we argued a lot about this. I can't accept this. It gradually settled down. I started living here. His ex-wife never left him alone. Constant calls for household help. He helped behind my back and openly. Afraid of becoming bad in the eyes of the children and her. There was a rift in our family over raising children and distributing finances. My husband is quite strict in his upbringing. I couldn't let the children get beaten. Therefore, he distanced himself from them, justifying this by the fact that his father raised him this way, he intervened only when he was out of control, and his mother took care of the rest. I belittle his authority in front of the children by standing up for them, we have different approaches to education, but there should be one, so take care of them yourself, since you don’t like what I do. For many years, his contact with children consisted of saying hello and how are you. No joint trips or interests. Perhaps, at the same time, he communicated with those children, realizing himself in the role of a father. At first, all the financial support was on him, which he did well. I was a student and my income was meager. But as soon as I went to work, certain areas of the family budget gradually began to shift to me: first I had to buy washing and soap supplies from my salary, then food was added, then utilities, then clothes and children, then everything else. There was never any common money. I don’t know how much my husband gets. We live in a 3-room apartment, which I inherited from my parents. About 6 years ago he was left with a country house from his father. Since then, my husband has been there every weekend. He doesn’t invest money in the apartment; I do the renovations with my own money. My husband has the position that the children and I can do without everything, so there is no need to invest money: the toilet is broken - you need to know how to go to the toilet, hang a weight so that the water does not flow, the floor on the balcony is rotten - why is it even needed to be removed? This position is not only about repairs. Whatever we want, whatever we need, is superfluous, be it preparatory chickens, Sport section for children or vacation at sea. Today, my husband comes on Monday evening, spends Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday at home (he comes at eight o’clock, eats, washes, watches TV, sleeps, goes to work), leaves on Friday morning and returns on Monday. He says that he is tired and needs to be alone, to take a break from us. The money brings in half of my salary, not a penny more. Even if you die, he no longer has it. I know that he communicates with his ex-wife regularly, sometimes almost daily, to resolve some issues. Bleasing, all-approving behavior with sons from a previous marriage. celebrates holidays behind my back with my ex-wife, her and my birthdays, perhaps others too. There is only one answer to my requests to stop: I myself will decide with whom and how I communicate. She doesn’t leave me either, she kicked me out for bad reasons, persuaded me to leave for good reasons. Answer: I myself will decide when and where to come. I can't accept being different from ex-wife just have sex with me. especially since I’m also “hysterical, and he needs a calmer woman.” a woman who will accept all his decisions unconditionally and with joy, while working hard like a horse and becoming independent when he gets tired of her and goes away to rest. I am asking for help with advice. I already realized that he married me “on the fly” and in soul he is with his former family. (Or does it just seem so to me?) How to stop this. Divorce?

Merbay

Gerda, hello.
Thank you for the detailed story, it will help psychologists understand the current situation.
After some time, the psychologist will comment on your topic and help you find answers to all your questions.

Hello Gerda! From the very beginning, your situation with your husband is very ambiguous. As I understand it, you have never had agreement and mutual understanding on all issues. You got together only after the birth of your common child and at first he supported you and the child financially. And as soon as you became independent in terms of earning money and raising children, he actually stepped aside and insured you in case something happened to the children. will go wrong. I'm sure your picture is true family life Understood?

Gerda

Now I see everything exactly like this. I apologize that I haven't responded for a while. I didn’t want to bring up this topic, I tried to distance myself, not think, just live as best I could. During this time, changes have occurred. I had a conversation with my husband. I told everything that hurt me. I explained that I would no longer be able to live as before. If there are no changes, then we need to part ways. I told him that I don’t consider this relationship a family one, that I am at least alone, I see that his interests are not connected with me or our children. That it hurts me to realize that no matter how hard I try, I won’t become needed. I can no longer tolerate his leaving for the weekend, or even 5 days, or his “friendly relationship” with his ex-wife. In fact, it turned out that I presented him with a choice: either you change and live here and our interests, or leave and live the life that you like, but only in such a way that I never see you again, gradually get sick and forget. He also complained to me, mainly that I always give orders, but I need to remind and ask more. Relationships have changed. It seems to me that he does not want to lose our family. But at the same time, he feels uncomfortable living with us. He stopped going to live in a country house. He’s trying to fulfill my requests, learning to find time for them. Although there are attempts to return to the previous way of life: he pretends to be tired in the evenings, tells me to let him go to a country house once a week, that he doesn’t get enough sleep in the apartment. Then I suggested we move there for the summer. (probably scared). I myself began to go to that house, began to help him with the garden, and took an interest in remodeling the stove that he had started there. She began to say that there was something to do in the apartment. He needs to fix this and that, re-glue the wallpaper... he doesn’t seem to refuse, but he doesn’t have much desire either. Although my help in the garden is received with a bang. It even seems to me that he is trying to blame the garden on me. Although it was his kind of hobby, it seemed to me. Also, according to him, he reduced communication with his ex-wife. I don't believe. It seems to me that he began to hide this very carefully, so as not to provoke my questions and discontent. This woman suddenly disappeared from my life: every week she needed something, and then she disappeared altogether. I calmed down for a while, everything seemed to be getting better. But... I have a feeling that I have some kind of mental illness - I’m restless. And this “restlessness” is expressed to such an extent that it causes insomnia and extreme suspicion. I don't trust my husband. I don’t believe that this will last long, I don’t believe his words that he stopped communicating with his ex-wife, etc. I react painfully to even the slightest inattention towards me or the children. I constantly compare his attitude towards children from his first marriage and ours (and not in better side, although this may be true). The same goes for me and my ex-wife. I now consider myself an overseer who forcibly forced this man to live in a hateful apartment, with unnecessary children and an unloved wife, I force him to fulfill his duties through force. And here’s another thing: I want to look after him, do everything good for him, live with him, be close, I don’t need anyone else, and then I want to hurt him, take the children and leave so that he won’t be found, cheat out of spite, ignore, not talk . I have a nightmare in my head. I'm fixated on this situation. Lost interest in life. I want to believe in the best, but it doesn’t work out. I remember only the bad, I see only the bad, I even look for it in words and actions, waiting for it to get worse. Help if possible. I understand that something is wrong with me.