Divorce always hurts child... it parents must firmly understand when making a decision about divorce. As well as the fact that the desire to save a family in which marital relations ended, for the sake of childrenuntil they grow up is flawed. Constant quarrels of spouses or hidden conflicts, tension and lack of love in the family bring children significantly more harm than divorce... As they say, it's better to let children will see their parentshappy separately than unhappy, alienated from each other together. A family where there is no love between spouses is not the best environment for development child.

If you decide to end your marital relationship, do not delay expanding divorcesituation for an indefinite period. Long pre divorcea period of doubts, ruptures and attempts to improve marital relations gives rise to childrenfeelings of lack of control of the situation, the danger of family life, intimophobia in the future. At the same time, inform your children about divorce is only needed when the decision to divorce, finally accepted. It will be described below how divorcewithout injuring children.

FEELINGS AND BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE

Pay special attention to feelings. childcarefully observing changes in his behavior. Feelings childrenand teenagers can hide, but changes in their behavior can tell very truthfully parentsabout their experiences children.
CHILDREN IN DIVORCE FROM 0 TO 3 YEARS
Family breakup is inevitably accompanied by stress for the woman. Her emotional state can be characterized by aggression, increased anxiety, fears, nervous breakdowns, resentment. Up to 3 years old childgeneral psychologistpersonal boundaries with her mother, which is why all the emotions and feelings that she experiences are reflected in her child.
If you want to save prenate (as they call child in the womb) or a newborn from negative consequences divorce, take care, first of all, of your emotional and mental state. For a pregnant woman or mother of a baby in a situation divorcethe fear of loneliness is characteristic. It can greatly increase from a tendency to codependencies... Anxiety is also typical, progressing from self-doubt and constant doubts whether I can grow up alone child (children). Anger and despair can develop into depression. A depressed mother presents for her child the same danger as an alcoholic mother. By the way, a woman in this position may really want to fill the inner emptiness with alcohol.
Irritability, nervous breakdowns, incontinence, arising in such a difficult situation with a mother, have an extremely negative effect on child... Accept any outside help, follow the steps RELIEF FROM DEPENDENCE, seek help from specialists. You must feel responsible for your emotional world and your emotional state to your child.
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE FROM 4 TO 7 YEARS
After the parents divorced, the child at this age can become pugnacious, start swearing, steal, be aggressive, hysterical, moody, fears may increase. If you notice any of these symptoms in your child, be sure to refer to the nursery, family psychologist.
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE FROM 8 TO 12 YEARS
The first indicator of intense experiences child difficult family situation at this age– decrease in school performance due to a decrease in learning motivation, attention, the emergence of aggressive behavior, theft, depression.
BEHAVIOR OF CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE FROM 13 TO 17 YEARS
May intensify laziness, lack of initiative, school performance deteriorate, hobbies may be forgotten, time spent at the computer and isolation may increase. Teenagercan alienate from their parentsstart running away from home.
Change in behavior for the worse when divorced parents – always a signal for help from their children.

FEELINGS OF CHILDREN DURING PARENTS DIVORCE

What does it feel childwhen his parents get divorced?
SHAME
Child may be ashamed that his family is falling apart in front of his friends and peers.
WINES
Child (teenager) can blame himself for the fact that his parents get divorced.
FEELING YOUR OWN WONDERNESS
By comparing your family with those of your classmates (cohesion and well-being), child (teenager) may feel a sense of inferiority: other families are full and happy, and my father abandoned his mother, which means either he is a bastard, or something is wrong with my mother. therefore" I am bad ". Childsees himself as half father and half mother.
FEAR OF REMAINING ONE.
There was a complete family, they all lived together. And now one of parents somewhere far away, maybe he will have a new family and have children. Have child there is a fear of being abandoned by other relatives, and in adulthood, a fear of close relationships.
The pain of rejection
If after divorce one of parents disappeared from life for a long time or forever child (teenager)he may experience severe mental pain from rejection parent, and to maintain the fear of trusting relationships with people and attachment to them for life.
YEARNING
Longing for the departed parent and people who child (teenager) no longer sees after divorce, longing for the old way of life, family traditions and family happiness, if any.
ANGER
Child (teenager) may feel intense anger at parent, with whom he lives, and blame him for the disintegration of the family, because childrenidealizing absent parent.
Divorcing, forget about yourself and think more about the mental well-being of your children... If you notice negative points in behavior and emotional manifestations child, focus your efforts on changing the situation depending on the reasons for his feelings.
Teenagerstends to show indifference to problems adultsHowever, this does not mean that they do not care what happens to their family. Teenager can crush his feelings, and this will become the basis for neurosis, or he can simply hide them, considering it a weakness to show what is happening to him. At the same time, worries about divorce of parents can be weak in the event that he has a wide range of interests, communication with friends is confidential and brings joy after divorce parentslittle has changed in his life.© The author of the article you are reading now, Nadezhda Khramchenko /

HOW TO BE CORRECT WITH YOUR CHILDREN DURING DIVORCE

All the feelings described above are destructive for a child (teenager), their occurrence can be prevented if divorcing behave with their childrenright.
I will say once again that to save a collapsed family for the sake of childdo not do it. Much has been written about sensitivity children and adolescents to lie. Create the appearance of a complete family for parentswho have been living their lives for a long time, requires a lot of effort, leads to colossal nervous tension and is hopeless for happiness children... They will not find in the future family happinessif in childhood or adolescence they grew up in a fake family environment. Having grown up in such a family, an adult may be wary of getting married in general, as well as emotionally distancing himself from his parents.

Lessons will help your child cope with this difficult period in life. with a psychologist. You can make an appointment with me. Initial consultation is always a diagnosis with collection psychologistmedical history of the parents, diagnostic conversation with the child using various methods and recommendations to parents. Further - correctional classes. They are very affordable and organization ( at homea child or by Skype). Details on the page"Services of a child psychologist"... You can also apply forpersonally in divorce and to get face-to-face consultation, by skype or telephone.

HOW CORRECTLY INFORM YOUR CHILD (TEENAGE) ABOUT DIVORCE

Childmust be full, not sleepy, not agitated. Ideally, start preparing for a conversation half an hour after your walk. Divorcea nasty husband and wife should also be calm. First, have mom read for 15 minutes. book with child, then dad 15 min. honors, and my mother will be near. If a child does not like reading together or it is connected only with going to bed, joint games in Lego or modeling from plasticine are suitable, you can drink tea with delicious cookies all together.
Then hug your child and say that mom and dad can no longer live together. Once they loved each other very much, so he ( child) and was born. But they are too different to live peacefully together, "We are no longer husband and wife, but we will always be your parents, and we will always love you, and pay no less attention than before, we will always come to the rescue, both now and through, 20-30 years old. " Information to kid need to be dosed depending on his age, without traumatizing him as much as possible and not hiding the truth. FROM teenagersit is especially important to maintain a trusting relationship, listen to their opinions about the current situation, and ask for advice. If one of parents absolutely indifferent to the fate of his children, not to deceive them when asked, but to say that it is a pity that the father (mother) does this, not one child, let alone yours, does not deserve such treatment. Explain to him that you will try to give him attention for two, and your new family will be truly fulfilling and happy.
Former spouses need to agree that no matter what their relationship is, they will never speak badly about each other in the presence of their own children... After all childrenperceive themselves as half mom and half dad. If a child (teenager)hears how parentsspeak badly about each other, he transfers all this bad to himself, worries about his identity, considers himself flawed, bad. Parents broke up not because one of them was an unworthy person, but because parents can't get along with each other.
Assure child (teenager)if he longs for the departed parent, that you will never leave him,try to organizemeeting child with this parent... Arrange in advance with the coming parentthe length of the meeting and its scenario and inform about it to kid. For children in difficult life situations predictability is important, clear meeting schedules must be followed. Try not to move in the next year, it is advisable that during this period child there was no change.
It is a tradition in Russia that these meetings take place on weekends. If a child lives with his mother, then it turns out a mother with her own requirements - on difficult weekdays, and an all-permissive and all-calling dad - on weekends with gifts, itself as a holiday. Mom tries to limit sweets, a computer, requires independence, monitors baby food, and dad leads to McDonald's, allows computer games. Such contradictions in education baby are not permissible, then a manipulator will grow out of him, and authority will decrease parentwith whom he lives. Better let the lifeless with child parent will take an active part in his everyday problems (visiting a doctor, parent-teacher meetings, joint crafts in kindergarten, helping with lessons for school). And the resident will actively spend one of the weekend child... Great idea for a joint child-parentrecreation - a dolphinarium, an aquarium, an interactive zoo, where animals are not in cages. You can have an animal in the house, if of course there is someone to be responsible for it. Interacting with animals is the best way to relieve nervous and emotional stress for child... Former spouses need to agree on uniform educational principles and requirements for to kid, the life values \u200b\u200bthat need to be transmitted to him, the balance of rewards and punishments.
The deepest mistake of dads who feel guilty about children and ask your former wife child expensive gifts. A materialistic person will grow out of him. If you want to help, give this money to your mom - she will spend it on everyday chores, circles, child trips and excursions (an active social life in such a situation to kid/ teenager and his mother only benefit).
In such a difficult situation, attention and time to kid need to pay even more than before. If it is very difficult for you to hide your emotions and feelings in front of child, explain them to him in an accessible language, without immersing in details, tell,but literally in a nutshell, how hard it is for you because of this relationship. It is unacceptable to make from your child personal psychologist. © The author of the article you are reading now, Nadezhda Khramchenko /

Introduce your child with new boyfriends and passions you can not earlier than a year after divorce, and then if he survives it absolutely safely.
A person gets ideas about what a family is, how it is created and developed in parentfamily, usually by example parents or other relatives. Therefore, be sure to talk with your children about why a family is needed, how it is created, how it develops so that your childrengot a complete picture of one of the most important things in life. Chat with children that divorce – this is not the norm, but a sad exception and you are really unlucky, but your new family has the strength and reserves to create a happy family.
There used to be a wonderful subject at school« Ethics and psychologistfamily life», unfortunately not always well taught in our educational institutions. Look for textbooks on this topic, perhaps there you will learn a lot of interesting things for conversations with your children... If your child a preschooler or younger student read fairy tales to him, where, in one way or another, family life is affected, and discuss together. If your child – teenager, go to the theater together, watch a play on the topic of family life and discuss. Ask if yours is dreaming child about what kind of family he will have when he grows up.
Plan your future family life (after divorce, even parents do not marry, a family is formed " Parent-child"and lonely parent). Discuss these plans with your children... This will help them to have an idea of \u200b\u200byour new family as a complete one, in which happiness is possible. Teach child do not be ashamed of your new position, strengthen his self-esteem. Emphasize that childrennever to blame for not very successful relationships in their family. This is a matter for the spouses only. Try to make the life of your new family rich and interesting, setting, first of all, the installation to yourself that any family, even in the most difficult situation, can be happy.

In order for the child to have a constructive adaptation to a new life, ask for help to a psychologist. You can sign up for a consultation Such work is possible how is it at homeand by Skype or with a parent on the phone.

Khramchenko Nadezhda

11. 01.2014

Divorce is always stressful for both spouses. The breakup of the family is accompanied by difficult emotional experiences associated with constant clarification of relations, scandals, mutual reproaches and accusations, with the need to divide property, etc. But this situation becomes especially dramatic for the children in the family. How do they deal with the divorce of their parents? What to do to injure them as little as possible?

There are many reasons for divorce, it all depends on the specific family. This includes disharmony in sexual relations, betrayal of one of the spouses, household and material problems, and many others. However, boredom and the routine of family life are often the real reason for divorce. The alienation of spouses from each other may look like the husband is completely immersed in work, forgetting about household chores, and the wife spends more and more time talking with her friends.

As a rule, spouses decide to divorce when living together becomes unbearable. Most ex-spouses cannot maintain respect for each other. Unfortunately, children often find themselves drawn into the "showdown" of their parents, becoming an instrument of struggle, or an object of division. Each parent is trying to undermine the other's authority in the eyes of the child. We must not forget that if divorce is a kind of liberation for spouses, then for a child it is always a great stress and mental trauma. Therefore, in cases of divorce, you need to know how to behave correctly and what to do.

What and how to say?
This is the most important question that all divorcing spouses ask themselves. How can you make your child less traumatic about divorce? After all, this is very difficult, I can tell you. Naturally, there is no single recipe for everyone, but there are a number of techniques, the use of which can significantly affect the emotional atmosphere in the family.

In no case should one hide anything from the child in this situation, since any omissions only increase the fear, nervous tension of children, curiosity, and cause many ridiculous and terrible fantasies in their head. Moreover, sooner or later children will find out about it anyway. Therefore, take care of the child's feelings, sincerely and clearly tell him how things are, so that he does not feel guilty (as it happens) in the situation. In your explanations, you need to take into account the child's age, his individual characteristics, the ability to realize the current situation. On the other hand, it is clear that it is simply impossible to fully tell the child about the relationship with the husband without traumatizing him. A very important point in divorce is that you do not need to transfer the negative emotions that you experience in this situation to the child.

The right thing to do is to give your child a simple and easy-to-understand explanation that will play an important role in the development of your future relationship with your ex-spouse and child. It is best to postpone a conversation with a small child until he himself asks you about dad. Young children are usually told this way: "Dad will no longer live with us, he is moving to another place, but he will come to us, and you will see him as much as you want." Naturally, this must be supported by the conscious agreement of the parents.

It is best not to explain to teenagers in detail the reason for your divorce, and of course, you should not talk about the insolvency of your husband, which caused the family to break up. In addition, you should not tell your teenager about your husband's adultery or other situations that in any way humiliate your dignity. Under no circumstances, no matter how you would like, do not speak in the presence of the child or he himself is bad about the father, whom he loves as much as you. It is important that the child knows that both parents are responsible for divorce.

It is very important to separate the relationship of the former spouses from the relationship to children. The child must clearly imagine what his relationship with his father will be like in the future, whether he will see him. It is very important for a child of any age to know whether his parents after divorce will love him as well and whether he will always be cared for. Therefore, in a clear and accessible language, it is necessary to tell about all the "nuances" of his future life.

Another important fact is that girls much more often than boys carry worries about their parents' divorce within themselves, although outwardly they may look as usual and not show their suffering in any way. Internal experiences can cause decreased performance, rapid and unreasonable fatigue, depression, lack of communication with friends, tearfulness, irritability. All sorts of eczema, stuttering, gastritis, obsessive movements - all this is a manifestation of internal stress that parents should think about. Everything she talks about, she really feels, and your main task is to prevent such sensations from getting fixed, as this leads to various somatic diseases. During this period, it is recommended to give the girl as much time and attention as possible. Many of the girls, by whom it could be said outwardly that they had overcome the crisis, at a more mature age suddenly became deeply worried, lost the ability to choose, and experienced fear of betrayal and betrayal in sexual relations.

Don't make your child a psychotherapist.
As a rule, many people find it very difficult to cope with a situation when it is necessary to correctly tell a child about a divorce from a spouse, often increasing the child's worries about the divorce. The truth is that very often adults are not able to control their own emotions and experiences, changing their attitude towards the child. Someone blames the child for the breakdown of the family and speaks about it without a drop of embarrassment, someone tunes in only to raising a child, someone sees negative traits of the ex-husband in the child or rejoices in their absence. In any case, the mental disharmony that progresses in a divorced person affects the upbringing of the child.

Some adults, preoccupied with their own misfortune, tell the child all the details, forcing him to become a judge. Children quite often become eyewitnesses of proceedings between parents, when they do not follow their words and expressions. The husband leaving the family is perceived by his wife as a traitor, a scoundrel. The feeling of injustice, anger that a woman experiences in such a situation is reflected in her behavior. In such situations, children usually take the side of the mother. But there is also the other side of the coin: “If my mother was so wrong, then she also does not understand everything.” This is followed by a drop in the mother's authority in the eyes of the child.

Therefore, do not expect the child to understand the situation as an adult - this will only add disappointment to family life for all of you. Whatever your future relationship with your ex-husband, he still remains a father for the children, and you will have to make most of the decisions regarding raising a child with him.

Life after divorce.
The post-divorce period is a very difficult period in the life of a family. All worries and problems fall on the shoulders of the mother, and primarily financial and housing. Therefore, during this period, a woman should be very strong, despite all the circumstances, since the divorce of the parents will be very difficult for the children without a doubt. During this period, it is necessary to avoid as much as possible common mistakes. For example, when a desperate woman begins to share her feelings and resentments with her child. This is not worth doing, because the child may not understand, due to his age, the cause of the feelings and will blame himself for everything.

Another common mistake is that a woman wants to replace the child's father with a double effort. Usually, in such situations, mothers are too strict with the child, especially if it is a boy, or, conversely, are too soft and appease the child with gifts. Women feel empty and tired. However, psychologists argue that guilt is the basis of such behavior. The woman considers herself guilty that she could not keep her family, deprived the child of the father. In such a situation, you need to remember why you divorced your husband. Probably to improve the life of your child and, of course, yours. Remember that even in single-parent families, children grow up normally and become psychologically healthy individuals.

It so happens that a mother begins to shift the blame for all her failures onto the child. She is angry that the child wants to see and communicate with her father, she is annoyed that the baby does not share her grief with her. In such situations, there is a conflict situation in the family, breakdowns are possible. In such cases, it is necessary to urgently consult a psychologist.

New life.
First of all, you need to give your child time to get used to the situation. He is also confused, so he may behave inappropriately. Since all children experience parental divorce in different ways, it is necessary to carefully monitor the child's behavior. If any changes appear, go with him to see a psychologist.

In the first six months of life after a divorce, it is necessary to provide the child with a calm and predictable regime. If the father wants to see the child, in no case resist this, but only encourage. Do not be afraid that the child will love you less, because during this period he needs both parents. If the child's father for some reason does not want to spend time with the child, it is necessary to replace him with someone, for example, a grandfather or male friends. And most importantly, pay more attention to children during this period.

Of course, it will be better for the mental health of children if they are brought up in complete families. Family breakdown can affect them in different ways. According to sociological studies, most children do not experience any psychological deviations as a result of their parents' divorce. The situation when parents constantly sort things out in a raised voice is more traumatic for the child, since, as adults, they have an increased risk of divorce in their own family. For adolescents who are just entering adulthood, it is socially more prestigious if they are brought up in a complete family. In addition, for a child, divorce is accompanied by material difficulties that undermine his position in society.

Spouses who break off relations cease to be a family, but continue to fulfill their parental duty. Due to property disputes or the very reason, the divorce process can be carried out accompanied by swearing and insults. The resulting negative environment adversely affects the mental state of the common child. The advice of psychologists will help to avoid problems. Recommendations will be useful not only for mothers and fathers to explain the circumstances of the case, but also for children who want to know what to do if parents get divorced.

The word "family" in a broad sense means mutual understanding and support. A positive environment is created by the husband and wife equally. The dissolution of the marriage bond is the result of various external and internal factors. For the psyche of a child who has been under the care of both parents since birth, such a moment is a heavy blow.

According to psychologists, breaking family ties for children is like a "falling house of cards." For a little girl or boy, the whole world is crumbling, formed over the years of upbringing by mother and father. If you do not take action in a timely manner, then there is a high likelihood of psycho-emotional trauma against the background of internal experiences. To understand the scale of the problem, it is recommended to find out the main points of the parents' divorce and the peculiarities of its influence on the child's psyche:

Emerging emotions	Cause
Anger	After a divorce, children are disappointed in themselves and their parents because of significant and unwanted changes. Irritability and anger gradually appear. During a fit of anger, a minor may start hysteria and demand to return everything back.
Fear, anxiety	The loss of a mom or dad for a child is considered a hard blow. The essence of the problem is the feeling that one of the parents has decided to leave him. Disorder is manifested by anxiety and panic.
Guilt, anxiety	It is common for a child under 7 to feel guilty about what is happening, even if the cause of the problem is not related to it. The moment is substantiated by incomplete understanding of the situation and negative situation.
Loneliness	Breaking a marriage is a long and difficult process. Parents do not stop raising children, but spend less time on them. For a child, lack of communication becomes a reason to start worrying and feeling lonely.
Resentment	The news of the parents' desire to divorce is extremely offensive for the child. For the child's subconscious, the father and mother become the culprits of the family collapse. The real reasons for the divorce do not matter. Against the background of disturbed inner harmony, a son or daughter may withdraw into themselves.

A child under 10-12 years old demonstrates emotions more openly. The teenager tries to keep everything to himself, which leads to isolation and unwillingness to communicate with other people.

It is difficult even for experienced parents to tell a child about a divorce. Children who want to ask mom and dad about what happened are no less uncomfortable. In order to avoid further trauma to the psyche, experts have compiled a list of questions to be clarified:

• Children:
  • How to understand the reasons for initiating divorce proceedings?
  • Is it possible to reconcile parents?
  • How to live on?
  • Who is better to stay with after the breakup of the family?
  • How to inform one of the parents about the lack of desire to talk to him?
• Parents:
  • How can you tell your kids about a breakup?
  • What are the methods of preparing for a conversation with a baby?
  • Are there special methods of communication with a small child on adult topics?
  • Is it possible not to traumatize children with the desire of a man and a woman to divorce?

If everything is explained to the child correctly, then significant changes in behavior and mental disorders can be avoided.

Specialized literature and consultation with a psychologist will help to cope with a difficult problem.

The child must understand that there are a huge number of different factors that contribute to the termination of the parents' life together. You shouldn't blame yourself for the divorce. Effective advice from psychologists can help to understand the situation and alleviate a tense situation:

1. Find out the reasons for the divorce. Regardless of age, a child should not be prohibited from taking an interest in family problems. You can talk with parents directly or ask other relatives about interesting nuances. The solution depends on the situation:
   • Ask parents directly. The mother and father will appreciate the adult decision and begin to talk to the child as an equal. It is advisable to find out the details from each side separately so that the dialogue does not turn into a quarrel between adults.
   • Check with other relatives. If other family members are aware of what is happening, then they will explain everything.
   • Do not interfere with the affairs of adults. The advice is the most sensible, but few of the minors listen to it, which is associated with excessive curiosity and an influx of emotions. Closer to adolescence, the child will understand everything without asking parents.

A school counselor, educator, or family member can help your child cope with parental divorce. Advice from adults will help you avoid mistakes and prevent the situation from getting worse.

The child's decision to continue living with the mother or father

Divorce between a couple with a child is carried out by the legal authority. In most cases from judicial practice, children were left with an officially employed mother who had no dependencies and lived in a personal living space. The consent of the dependent is required only at the age of ten. Care must be taken when choosing whom to stay with. A list of questions compiled by psychologists, which you need to answer to yourself, will help to determine:

Despite the choice made in favor of one of the parents, the other will still continue to take care of and look after his child. The parties discuss the terms of communication and alimony payments on their own or decide such moments in court.

Some nuances, for example, father's assault or mother's dependence, cannot be forgotten in an instant, especially when it comes to children. It can take years to recover the psycho-emotional state. The mother or father needs to wait, and the child needs to remember the advice of psychologists for the correct dialogue with parents:

Advice	Description
Talk calmly	During the dialogue, it is recommended to avoid radical expressions and curses. Over time, everything can change, so you need to focus on the lack of desire to communicate at this stage.
Chat with a parent in neutral territory	A park, cafe or any other quiet place will do. During the conversation, you need to ask for a break in the relationship in order to calm down and recover.
Tell about the consequences of meetings	The minor should in the conversation emphasize the deterioration of the psycho-emotional state after meeting with the parent. It will be painful for the mother or father to perceive what they hear, but the result will be positive for the child.

Experts recommend thinking about the future. Emotions will subside sooner or later, so it's best to hold back in conversation and ask for a delay. It is not worth calling the terms, since each person's mental state is restored in his own way.

Children, especially very young ones, do not understand what a divorce is. The mother or father will have to delicately explain the main points of the situation. The advice of psychologists will help to correctly tell the child about divorce and other nuances:

Moment	Description
Explaining the concept of "divorce" to the child	Parents do not have to inform about divorce in advance. There is always a chance of reconciliation. You should start a conversation if both parties are 100% sure of the decision, or a trial has already begun.
Methods for preparing for a conversation	One or both parents have to say the bad news. The second option is relevant if the spouses can restrain themselves and do not quarrel, explaining the reasons for the divorce. The time of the conversation is selected individually. The child should be in a normal mood. If an important event awaits him soon, then the conversation should be rescheduled. Similarly, the problem is resolved in case of psycho-emotional overload caused by negative factors, for example, losing a competition or getting a bad grade in school.
Features of conducting a conversation with a young child	Children under 3 years old do not need to know the details of adult life. Parents can talk about the breakup closer to school age or wait for the child to ask. The second option, according to psychologists, is more acceptable.
Ways to prevent mental trauma	The child should not be presented with information harshly. During the dialogue, you need to try to speak on behalf of both parents and explain that everything will be the same as before. Psychologists strongly advise against lying about the father of the “cosmonaut” or “sea captain”. Over time, lying will become a reason for the disorder in family relationships.

Divorce is a hard blow to a family. To avoid aggravating the situation, parents should discuss with their children the main points of the breakup. You need to tell the truth, but without harsh expressions. If the case is complicated by other circumstances, it is advisable to consult with a psychologist.

Do no harm! Parental actions that reinforce the child's negative feelings.

A child in a family triangle is the most vulnerable link in a divorce. Quarrels in the presence of a child, open clarification of relations, drawing him into a conflict (“you are like your dad ...”, “all in your mother ...”, “let your mother / father ... (that) do you. .. "), displacement of their feelings on it (discontent, aggression) - such behavior on the part of parents increases the negative experiences of children to deep depressive manifestations with thoughts of death.
In the struggle of spouses after a divorce, a child often becomes a bone of contention, which is not so easy to separate. It can become a “bargaining chip”: in exchange for meeting with the child, one of the parents tries to get something for himself (documents for property, alimony, freedom, etc.). In this case, the regime of meetings with the child is violated or not carried out at all, the child is exposed to blackmail, intimidation, and pressure.

Also, a child may experience a conflict of attachment not only to parents, but also to other family members: grandmothers, grandfathers, aunts, uncles, godfathers, cousins. All of them can be in a state of war with each other, the main prize in which is the child's opinion about who is right and who is wrong during a divorce. It is important that among these numerous clans there is at least someone who can support the child without looking for the "truth."

When the world in which you lived begins to collapse, there must be at least one fulcrum so that it can be rebuilt again. Here are the pillars on which you can save the "child's world":

• Children expect stability. One of the conditions that will help the child to overcome the stress that she experiences during the divorce is to maintain a routine of life. This is especially important for preschoolers and toddlers! You should not change the kindergarten or school without special need, stop attending circles and sections. Make sure your child goes to bed on time and does household chores. Do not forgive him for improper behavior, whims. Try to discipline in a calm tone so that the child does not feel like you are taking your anger out on her. Order and routine strengthen the child's sense of security.

• Try to spend more time with your child than usual. The time that the child spends with dad or mom should be saved and even, if possible, increased. The best option would be if mom and dad immediately after the divorce agree on a regular distribution of responsibilities in caring for the child. If dad regularly takes the child to the clinic, kindergarten, school or club, and every weekend he and the child go to the theater or museum, then the child feels: regardless of the fact that mom and dad do not live together, they are both next to her. In this situation, it is much easier for him to experience the breakup of his parents. Here is how one boy said about his situation, and finally, after long arguments between divorced parents, it got better: “I feel fine now, because everything is fine. I communicate with both mom and dad. And I do not expect either one or the other: I know for sure that I will see my mother on Friday, and my father will pick me up on Monday. And so far everything is fine, I am calm. I'm not worried about them. " Comprehensibility, predictability and certainty are what helps both the adult and the child to survive even severe stress.

• Protect your child's ears and eyes from your relationship to the situation and to your husband. Children need both parents. You cannot force a child to choose one and reject the other. The child will certainly feel your desire to turn her against the other parent. Of course, it is difficult to refrain from criticizing your incapable half, but you should not involve a child in this, solving adult problems is a matter for adults, not children! A child is a continuation of both mom and dad, she associates part of herself with dad, and part with mom. When one parent criticizes or scolds the other, the child may feel inferior, mediocrity, or unnecessary.

• Do not shy away from the child's questions: answer them calmly and neutrally, briefly and without dedication to him in detail (for example, Will dad live with us? - No, dad will now live in another apartment, but this does not mean that you will NOT be him you can see him on such and such days, but if you want, you can always call him or come to visit).

• It's nobody's fault. When telling your child about the divorce, say that it was your common decision, that no one is to blame for this, it happens. Or do you regret this relationship? - No, because they had not only bad moments, but also a lot of good ones; a joyful and bright event of this period is the birth of her, a child. If it's hard for you to tell your child all this, then you are the one who needs the help of a psychologist first! Doesn't make the situation worse and don't push your emotions to their peak!

• Develop the child's fears of being left alone or unattended by a second parent. Children are intimidated by the unknown, so having a clear picture of what will happen after the scary divorce event will help make it less intimidating and facilitate emotional reactions.

• Little witness. If the child already understands something and has repeatedly witnessed conflicts between mom and dad, he already knows nothing about this situation and interprets. Try to find out what exactly he thinks, what he is afraid of and requires an answer to questions. Talk to him about it. It is better to start the conversation with the child's question, for example, when he asks: "Will dad come from us?" Answer: Are you worried about this? Pause. Then you can describe the situation as you see it. The simpler and shorter, the better, for example, “Dad and I decided to live separately, but he will remain your dad forever, he will come to us, even if he does not live with us. And I will always be your mother and will be with you. " The child needs to maintain and strengthen a sense of security, she must believe: everything will be fine, and, despite the fact that dad will rarely come, he still has it! The fact that the father leaves the family is like incorrigible for the child. And this is grief. And any grief must be "burned out", adapt to new conditions and live on.

• With whom should the child share their experiences. Children, often protecting their parents, or vice versa, being angry with them, try to hide their feelings. The child needs someone with whom he can discuss his feelings. It can be a grandmother or a grandfather, any person whom the child trusts and who will be impartial about what is happening, will not be left to set the child against one of the parents or try to convey to her "the whole truth." If this is not possible, see a psychologist. If your child doesn't agree, go yourself, go with her. Denying the existence of the problem does not solve it. The following are alarming signs in the child's behavior: the child protests, hides his feelings or, on the contrary, clearly manifests them, she is quiet, sluggish and invisible. All these are reasons to consult a psychologist.

• For older children, peer support may be important, among other things, do not limit them in this. An active social life will help to distract from unpleasant thoughts, increase self-esteem and will not allow you to withdraw into yourself, but keep in mind that this path may not be suitable for all children.

If, after all your efforts, the child still gets angry, cries or accuses you - do not be upset but do not make excuses. Allow the child to experience such feelings - they are natural, tell them that you feel sorry for and would like this not to happen to her, the child, but it just happened.

Truce: no longer spouses, but, as before, parents!

In most divorce situations, trust suffers more. In the eyes of another, the former spouse is more often presented as a selfish, evil and dangerous person. And if this is so, then what kind of loving mother, or what kind of loving father will give the beloved child to a "tyrant" or "witch"? It is the undermined trust and the desire to restore justice that pushes the spouses to battle. However, in these battles there is no winner, there is only the illusion of victory. First of all, you need to defeat yourself and your destructive thoughts. To restore peace and live on, you need to take a step forward. This step can be shared responsibility for the divorce. Sharing responsibility and being able to communicate after experiencing pain and anger will help your children find peace and overcome their own pain. The world, where mom and dad are not enemies, becomes whole again.

Below are the criteria for a healthy relationship after divorce, which will help you not only assess how much you have managed to improve your life in a new way, but also see the directions in which you still need to work. Check the boxes next to the items you agree with. Peace will be in your heart and in your soul when you can agree with all five points. If you still find it difficult, seek professional help.

Does a child need a dad if he left the family?

With the advent of the baby in the family, his mother and grandmother take care of him. At the same time, dad seems to be relegated to the background.

It is often more difficult for a father to communicate with an infant who is still completely helpless. Moreover, modern dads often spend a lot of time at work. However, the presence of both parents is important for raising a baby.

This is due to the specific psychological needs of the child.

The kid is defenseless in front of the outside world, this is often the cause of neuroses. The presence of a father increases his status among peers. Children often brag about their father's profession, his strength, and indeed what he is. The more love the baby receives from his father, the more friendly he will be towards people.

There is an opinion that children strive for absolute freedom and at the same time do not know at all how to handle it. This is not true, in fact, they need a caring loved one who could limit this freedom and take responsibility for themselves.

Children constantly have a need for models of masculine and feminine behavior. If this is not the case, then you can soon notice that the child is afraid of other children who have an example of behavior before their eyes.

Parental divorce does not always deprive a father of the opportunity to communicate with his son or daughter. It even happens that being at a distance, the father evaluates his feelings in a different way and, when he meets the child, gives him even more emotional warmth and friendly participation.

Advice to father.

It is necessary to plan a meeting with the child in advance, to show maximum interest in his feelings and affairs.

It is very important not to pamper children by indulging any whims. You should immediately resolve the issue of pocket money.

If you have a new family, then it is unacceptable to demonstrate a warm relationship to your spouse with children.

If the father began to visit the baby very rarely, then it makes sense to exclude dating. The fact is that the child loves his dad in his own way and needs a stable relationship with him.

If the father forgets about the agreed meetings with his child or does not even congratulate him on his birthday, then the child will think that dad no longer loves him. The kid will begin to blame himself for this, it hurts the child very much and can cause a psychological deviation.

Children and divorce of parents how to behave correctly for spouses

• spouses do not "divide" children, each of them wants to communicate with children and does it as much as he wants;
• there is mutual respect: each of the spouses in communication with children and other relatives is ready to speak well of the other (“I’m good, dad is good, but we didn’t fit each other”);
• each of the spouses willingly recalls the pleasant moments of the past marriage;
• each of the former spouses takes on part of the responsibility for what did not work out, giving part to the other;
• each of them feels that he could create a new family