What to do if the child is manipulating the mother. Little manipulators: advice to parents who follow the child's lead. What to do if the child is manipulating the parents

Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the child who is going through it, but also for the parents. Often adolescent behavior is anxiety and irritation. A particularly unpleasant story is manipulation. We figure out how they work

The main types of teenage manipulation and how to deal with them

Adolescence is a difficult time not only for the child who is going through it, but also for the parents.Often adolescent behavior is anxiety and irritation. A particularly unpleasant story is manipulation. Let's figure out how they work.

Manipulation - This is a latent psychological impact on a communication partner in order to achieve beneficial behavior from him.

Let's look at the reasons, the main types of teenage manipulation and how to deal with them.

Why is a teenager being manipulated?

Let us recall that one of the most important tasks of adolescence is to learn how to make independent decisions and be responsible for them. The growing child must become an adult, and often they have to win back their independence and independence.

But sometimes the solution to this problem is understood by a teenager as a desire to do what he wants: going out late, staying with friends overnight, not going to school, playing on the computer without measure, and so on.

It is important to point out that independence and responsibility are two essential components for the development of a teenager. So a certain degree of freedom must be present. There should be areas of responsibility that you can completely entrust to the teenager, give him at the mercy.

At the same time, one must not forget that the boundaries of what is permitted are also the most important condition for development.And it is important to define and defend these boundaries, it is necessary both for the teenager himself and for all members of his family.

Only parents or significant adults who are involved in parenting can set boundaries.It is important to identify and agree on the consequences of their violation. The rules should be reasonable and age appropriate.

Teenagers do not always want to respect the boundaries of the discussed agreements; this age is characterized by violations of rules and regulations. Sometimes the desire to be an adult is understood as “do what I want”.

In order to achieve their goals, adolescents resort to different methods. One of them is manipulation in dialogue with parents, an attempt to get the parents to behave in a beneficial way through emotional impact. It is important to recognize in time that you are being manipulated and not to fall into this trap.

How do you find out if you are being manipulated?

The main helpers here are your feelings, because they act as markers of what is happening.

Manipulation causes the following feelings:

Shame

The teenager seeks to "shake" the parental position, to provoke a sense of shame.As a rule, expressions are used like: “Vasya’s parents allow everything…”, “Lena can share everything with her parents, and they understand her…”, “Tolya has complete freedom, but I’m like in prison…”, “You don’t have anything you understand, completely behind the times ... ”and so on.

The emphasis is on the fact that someone is doing a better job of parenting. Utterances aim to induce shame, which is one of the main tools for manipulation.

Fear

Messages of this kind are associated with a threat to the safety of the teenager and the parental inability to influence this. “Now I will leave and will not return…”, “If you don’t let me in, I will run away…”, “If you don’t give me money, I will go and steal it…” and so on. The task is to evoke a feeling of anxiety or fear, which is an excellent tool for manipulation.

A parent is willing to do anything in order not to put their child at risk and danger.

Wines

Messages from this group are associated with intense guilt feelings. Each person will always have many reasons to feel guilty before their loved ones. For example, insufficient material well-being (“everyone has smartphones of the latest model”), divorce of parents, the fact that parents work a lot and spend little time with him, that the school in which he studies is not good enough, and in general - “Everyone has normal parents are not what you are. "

Strong feelings of guilt are a good tool for manipulation. When a parent feels guilty, he is ready to meet halfway on many issues against his will.

Anger

A universal feeling, like all the previous ones, is accompanied by anger and irritation. But a feeling that is almost impossible to bear can arise. I would like to stop it as soon as possible.

As a rule, it is caused by long and persistent demands or “whining”. When a teenager does not stop, and does not stop, and continues to insist or "moan". It is important that this happens for a long time and one gets the feeling that it is impossible to hide or leave from this.

Powerlessness and helplessness

The above feelings often give rise to a feeling of powerlessness, "give up", the parent gets the feeling that he is not able to influence anything.

Making a parent powerless means getting things done., because a helpless parent is no longer able to insist on his own and limit the teenager in anything.

How to resist the manipulation of a teenager?

Notice your feelings. Premember that feelings are markers of what is happening, they will allow you to notice the beginning of manipulation in time. Understand the mechanism of occurrence of manipulation.

Remember that all hurtful and not too pleasant words and actions are just a way for the teenager to achieve his goal.

Do not use manipulations yourself in the dialogue with the child - in this way you teach him dishonest methods of behavior.

By personal example, teach your child to build a dialogue honestly and in an adult way, to treat words, agreements, rules responsibly ... Analyze - the manipulation of what feelings is most “effective” with you - guilt, fear, etc ....

It is important to understand why this is happening , this understanding will make you more resistant to manipulation.

In any case, remember that you don't have to be the perfect parent! No one is perfect, including you, and this is not a reason to break the rules and behave with you as you please .. published.

There are questions left - ask them

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we are changing the world! © econet

There are several ways of emotional impact of a teenager on adults, and often parents follow the lead of their growing up child. However, it is easy to recognize these manipulations and stop them at the very beginning, without bringing the situation to conflict.

Since the purpose of manipulation is to evoke certain feelings, it is on them that attention should be focused. Most often, trying to defend their independence, adolescents tend to cause fear, shame, anger, guilt or helplessness in their parents, directing a stream of negative emotions to them. How does this happen?

Fear

Natural fear for the life and safety of your child is the most powerful feeling that in most cases a teenager uses to achieve his goals. Indeed, such statements of the child as “I will leave home”, “”, “Throw myself under the car”, “I will steal and go to prison”, etc., logically should have an effect on any adequate parent. And in most cases, it works.

Shame

The desire to cause shame in parents is nothing more than a fairly widespread manipulation, expressed in the following claims: “In our class, everyone can do it - only I can’t”; “Look, the neighbors have children walking around as long as they want, and I, as a little boy, have to be at home at nine in the evening”; "Normal parents understand their children." There are many options here, but all of them are aimed at convincing adults that they are bad parents and making them make concessions.

Anger

Usually, anger is a short-term feeling that quickly passes after the source of the irritation is removed. The psyche is not able to withstand this powerful negative for a long time, and a person is ready to do anything to get rid of it. Teenagers also use this manipulation tool very often: they begin persistently and tediously to pester their parents with their demands, and adults eventually give up. It is not for nothing that they say that a drop wears away a stone, and manipulators are well aware of this.

Wines

Often teenagers get their way by forcing their parents to experience. There can be many reasons for this: insufficient material security; workload, due to which little time is given to the child; divorce of parents; not a prestigious school and much more. But all these accusations contain the same message: if you are guilty - correct yourself. And the parents, feeling guilty before the child, try to "correct themselves": they take out expensive gadgets on credit; allow the teenager to visit nightclubs and spend the night with friends, etc. In a word, they make any concessions so as not to feel guilty.

The result of all these artificially induced feelings is the helplessness of parents in front of a teenager. This is exactly what the manipulator is trying to achieve: to induce a state of powerlessness in parents and the realization that they can no longer influence their child.

How to resist teenage manipulation

First of all, you need to understand the mechanism of occurrence of manipulations and distinguish them from the usual emotional outburst. It's one thing when a child in his hearts says hurtful words to his parents, but after a while, having cooled down, he apologizes for his rudeness. It is quite different when a teenager is deliberately rude in pursuit of a specific goal.

You need to control your emotions and not be led by the manipulator. Calmly explain to your child that there are no ideal people, but this is not a reason for rudeness and irresponsible behavior. A teenager, seeing your calmness and equanimity in response to his rudeness and accusations, will understand that it is useless to manipulate you.

If you do not want your child to manipulate you, do not use similar methods in family communication. Remember that children copy the style and demeanor of their parents.

Teach your child for your words and your behavior by example. If you yourself do not violate your obligations and agreements, then you have the right to demand the same from a teenager. When adopting family rules, agree that they cannot be ignored, but can be discussed and, if necessary, adjusted. As you push the boundaries of your teen's personal freedom, remember to remind him of responsibility. The behavior of adults should not create problems for loved ones.

By understanding the causes of adolescent manipulation and the mechanism of their effect, you can exclude them from your communication with your child and maintain the warmth, trust and mutual respect that were between you before.

Svetlana Zharkova

What comes first: the dog or its tail? The question is not from the realm of being, but about the authority of parents in children. Has your child never forked a rope from you? Or maybe you just did not recognize the tactics of your child? How to stop the attempts of the "tail" to wag the whole "dog" or what to do if the child is manipulating the parents?

Diaper manipulators

Every child is wise! He may be naive, but the fact that he is an excellent psychologist is obvious! Children feel great about their parents, and especially skillfully they manage to "understand" their mother. How else? For nine months, the baby was a part of her, and at the cellular level "imbued" with her fears and boundless love. Therefore, he knows how to manipulate his mother remarkably! What is psychological manipulation in the family?

Manipulation is the tactic of influencing one person on others in his own selfish interests, and this tactic, as a rule, is implicit, hidden.

Often, every parent, at least occasionally, uses this tactic in relation to children:
“Do you want me to buy you ice cream? Then behave well in the kindergarten! "
“Do you want to play computer? Do your homework!"

Is it bad to be a manipulator? In everyday life, people are more faced with negative manipulations, because “manipulation” is often identified with deception, forcing a person to make a decision that is unfavorable to him. A skillful manipulator, as a rule, acts in such a way that his manipulations are perceived positively, or are carefully hidden and the “victim” does not even know that he is acting in the interests of another person. In relation to the child on the part of the parents, this is sometimes necessary, but when everything happens the other way around, it is wrong.

“Of course, children are not born as manipulators, but they are carefully“ sculpted ”and created from ordinary babies, literally by the hand, introducing them into the manipulative world of modern mankind, - says Shostrom Everett in his book“ Man-manipulator: an inner journey from manipulation to actualization ” ... - The first lessons children receive, naturally, from their parents, who are already a finished product of our manipulative society; children are still a semi-finished product. "

Manipulation does not give its object a choice. The choice offered by the manipulator is always a winning one for him and a losing one for the one to whom the tactic is applied. Therefore, mutually beneficial cooperation is always preferable to manipulations. But the child's psyche is not yet ready to go for it; children usually choose open tactics of manipulating their parents.

Dictator or slobber?

Tantrums, tears, extortion, aggression or ostentatious helplessness are the most common tools for manipulating children with their parents.

Evgenia, mother of nine-year-old Gleb, shares: “My son always gets what he wants from me. He knows how to catch the right moment, to expose the situation so that it is beneficial to him. Throw a tantrum in a public place? Easy. After all, he knows that I am ashamed to be a greedy and angry mother in the eyes of others. I understand that I am following him, but I can’t do anything ”.

Shostrom proposes the following classification of child manipulator types:

"Little slobber" - such a child behaves like a helpless, weak and disliked creature. He always feels bad, cannot do elementary things on his own, forcing his parents to perform duties for him. His weapons are tears, weakness. Such a child is not lazy, no! He's cunning. This is a little fox who quickly learned that "ailments" and complaints can work wonders: mom, regretting, will do everything herself.

"Little dictator" : Unlike the first type, this type does things differently. Adults "keep pace" because if such a child is not satisfied with something, he achieves his goal by stamping his feet, grumbles, gets angry, takes offense.

"Sly Freddy" ... So the psychologist called the type of child-manipulator, which is somewhat close to the "slobber". The sly man from birth understood that tears are what gives the attention of adults. He is loved and pitied as soon as the first tears sparkle in crafty eyes.

"Cool Tom" , - not a fan of crying, instead of tears he has a different instrument - a cool temper. Such a child pushes and bully, calls names and fights. From an early age, he realized that hatred and fear are what make people submissive. A very tiny "Tom" can be easily identified by preferences: not soft bears and cubes, but pistols and knives - these are favorite toys. Such a child does not recognize authorities, and at school he has a hard time, as, indeed, those around him.

"Karl the Winner" is a special type of small manipulators that combines both "Fredy" and "Tom". Often such children are younger families, who have to always live in some kind of competition: to succeed at any cost and prove their "adulthood".

Of course, this division is very arbitrary, but take a closer look at your child: does it resemble anyone? Or maybe you don't know how to recognize manipulation?

Manipulates or needs love?

How do you know that this is manipulation and not a need for attention?

In which families do children most often manipulate adults? As a rule, in those where dad and mom are unsure of themselves, they constantly ask the questions "am I a good parent?", "Am I doing everything right?" If parents constantly feel guilt towards their children, this creates conditions for inconsistent parenting behavior. Yes, yes, not only children should behave correctly, but also their fathers and mothers! Otherwise, the child has the opportunity to play on parental feelings.

When the situation of the child's behavior becomes systematic, and not only the trick itself is repeated, but also the facial expressions, gestures of the child, but as soon as he gets what he wants, the behavior returns to normal - the manipulation is obvious.
When is the child trying to manipulate the parents deliberately? Usually after one and a half years, when the baby begins to realize himself as a person.

One and a half to three years is the most dangerous period in which manipulators are formed.

Kids are especially empathic and intuitively feel the emotional state of their loved ones.
Child manipulation can be modified depending on the age of the child. So, the baby manipulates crying (not always the sobs of the crumbs - this is a desire to eat and a signal of pain), and a preschooler rolls on the floor or pretends to be sick; school-age children can act cunningly, and soon manipulation transforms into blackmail, simulation or flattery. By the way, more mothers are used to flattery than fathers, and the situation with the fox and the crow is repeated over and over again.

Valentina, the mother of thirteen-year-old Erica, says: “Erica has always been an affectionate girl, but soon a cunning was added to the affection, which I did not immediately recognize. She started from afar: she sat down next to me, hugged me, started a conversation about how much she loved me. “Do you know, mom,” she said once, “here parents give Ksyusha and Olya money, for fives.” I also began to encourage her with small amounts. Soon, my daughter began to extort a new phone, citing the fact that Ole was bought for winning the Olympics. And when Erica won the in-school stage, I bought a phone. And then the requests became higher - a fur coat, a computer ... Although she studies well and without gifts "

Child manipulation is dangerous not even because the parents follow the child's lead, but because it is a serious setting for the future, having turned into a habit, manipulation of parents will develop into manipulation of a large number of people and become a way of life. It is difficult for such people to build trusting relationships, look for friends and love. And the slightest "failure" in a well-thought-out system can cause serious mental trauma to a matured manipulator, up to and including psychopathy.

How to return the "dog" the right to wag its "tail"?

How to save a child from the desire to continue manipulating loved ones? First of all, you need to forget about pity! This does not mean that you need to become indifferent or cruel! Replace pity with love and understanding. And then - with each type of manipulator it is worth choosing a special line of behavior and sticking to it, observing patience and not crossing the border of pity.

If a "Little Slobber" settled in the house, and his helplessness and sluggishness again and again force his mother to pull on tights and lace up his shoes, because the child "has pain in his hands" or he wants to sleep, you need to set clear time boundaries. You can use counter manipulation: "if you don't have time to do this, let's not go for a walk!" If, "digging", a child wastes time in the hope of not going to kindergarten, he needs to make it clear: he will go to kindergarten anyway! Even if he is late. It is especially important here for the child to understand: parents will not back down from their word. When dad said that he would not allow playing the console, if the toys in the room were not removed after half an hour - it means that neither plaintive requests nor tears - nothing on the part of the manipulator should make the parent's heart tremble.

You should do the same with "Sly-Freddie" and react calmly to tantrums. Do not forget that in this case, hysteria is not a manifestation of resentment, but a theater in which the audience is dad and mom. Deprive the actor of the "audience", and he will quickly calm down, and later, when he realizes that tears do not fulfill desires, he will stop wasting energy on tantrums. But be careful: the "Sly" can change tactics!

The “little dictator” can be put in place by showing that the rules of behavior developed by the parents are higher than his requirements. It’s useful for Tough Tom to explain that his anger and aggression don’t scare you. Encourage your child to speak directly about their requirements without veiling them into complex psychological tactics. But calmly explain why this request cannot be fulfilled now.

Sometimes children hurt themselves by trying to draw the parents' attention to their demands. So, babies often bang their heads against walls or the floor, bite themselves. Some people deliberately induce vomiting by sticking their fingers deep into their mouths.

Galina, grandmother of three-year-old Seryozha: “When they brought my grandson to visit me, I wondered why bruises on my forehead never go away. He sinned that his parents looked after him badly, but they assured - this is how Seryozha manipulates them! What manipulations, he is tiny! But once, I made the baby go to bed, turning off the cartoons, Seryozha began to beat his forehead on the floor! I was very scared, confused. "

What to do so that the child does not injure himself, but also does not follow his lead? The main thing is to remain calm and calm.Banging your forehead on the floor? Offer him a pillow. Seeing that his mother indulges his desire to hurt himself, most likely, the child will simply stop beating himself. If the “fight” continues, hug the child to you, calm down, and then continue to do what you wanted, not satisfying the demands of your “fighter”. It is clear that when the "tail" hurts, the "dog" also gets sick, but here it is better to "endure".

There are many tips on how to stop children’s attempts at manipulation. But blindly following them is dangerous. Do not forget that a child is a person, it is wrong to radically change his character. And sometimes manipulation can cause a lack of parental attention. A child sometimes manipulates his parents only because their love is not enough for him.

Don't lose your temper.
Try to say less often "you have to" and do so that the child has a desire to say: "I will."
Do not get fooled by provocations, even if a grown-up manipulator blackmails that he will leave home or file a lawsuit.
Make your own manipulations hidden, the child should not feel that he is being manipulated by his parents, otherwise the roles will soon have to be reversed.
Never show that you love the other children in the family more than the little manipulator. Don't compare: "He is better behaving than you."
Teach your child to be kind!
Spend more time with your child, but remember that it is not quantity that matters, but quality: let it be only half an hour of spending time together, but they should be memorable.
And remember that even the most capricious child should feel your love.

“I think,” E. Shostrom expresses, “that as an analogue of mutual manipulation, to which both children and parents resort with equally varying success, it is worth developing a new philosophy of discipline”.

Being a parent is not easy. Do not forget that you and your children are in a certain sense the same age: the "experience" of the parent began to develop simultaneously with the birth of the child. Therefore, it is necessary to support each other, understand, "grow together."

Bullying and suspicion

Parents do not actually take care of the child, but from time to time they pretend to keep the situation on the pulse.

"You have done your homework? What if I check? "
“Probably, it's time to go to school, for sure the class teacher has something to tell about you.”

After that, no one checks the lessons, does not go to school, but the child is frightened and begins to correct something.

For the time being, for the time being, it is still possible to keep the child in the grip of fear, but soon he will be convinced that the parents simply do not have time for him, and there will be nothing but empty conversations.

Usually, by adolescence, such a child already perfectly masters this technique, and begins to mirror it to his parents. They start to scare their parents, knowing they won't do anything like that. For example: “I’ll leave the house if you…”, - or in general: “I will throw myself out of the window if…”

Usually such parents have one child, which was given hard and late. All life revolves around him, and manipulation becomes a reliable tool for growing a completely dependent personality out of his child.

Parents need the child to be dependent on them always and constantly. Slowly, step by step, they prove to him that the world is filled with difficulties, dangers and terrible situations.

Parents cannot breathe for their long-awaited miracle. Protect him from the smallest breeze, blind rain and leaf fall. They take him by the hand to school until prom, do homework with him, spoon-feed only wholesome food and control every step. Be friends with that, but not with this. Go here, but don't you dare there. Look at this, play this, but forget about this area. And so in everything.

As a result, such a child develops a clear conviction that the whole world is filled with different dangers: viruses, maniacs, rabid dogs and poisoned products. Bad potential situations creep out of every crack, and only parents, like deities, can cover up all these troubles. This is exactly what parents seek, and this behavior can be both conscious and subconscious.

This approach entails a colossal waste of time, great effort and diligence.

The result is one - the manipulation of the parents teaches the child to completely hide behind the parents' backs, and not even try to solve minor problems on their own.

After all, an independent and self-sufficient child will not need parental care so much. He will live his own life, thereby starting to separate from them from an early age.

If he starts to resist, then the parents will immediately put pressure on the “corn”, they say, “we did so much for you, and you…”.

For example: “How can you quit ballroom school when I bought so many dresses for you, took you to competitions at the expense of my time?” Among parents with overprotection, single mothers are more common. In their life there is only a child, as her property and the meaning of life. Taking a child away from her means taking her life. And the first-born himself can "take away" - come out under them.

Parents are perfect

Perfection in everything - Children born in such a family cannot be envied. From an early age, they seem to fall short of the level, and dishonor their ideal parents. For as long as he can remember, such a child hears: “Dad and I are medalists, and you are good,” “Everyone has a good hearing, but a bear has stepped in your ear,” “Dad is the best hockey player, and you don’t know how to hold a stick in your hands”, “ grandfather would be ashamed of you if he lived to see this shame. "

As a result, perfectionist parents hammer into their child's head that they have an ideal family besides him. And he, in turn, makes every effort to reach the heights that are canon in the family.

He becomes both a hockey player, and a chorus player, and a medalist, in a word - anyone, just not himself.

Such parents cannot be blamed for dislike or indifference to children because:

They really try in all directions.
They literally from birth take care of the physical, psycho-emotional and intellectual development of the child.
They enroll him in all kinds of circles, hire tutors, take him to the other end of the city to the best school, in a word, they develop him comprehensively.

In return, he simply has to become the best everywhere and complement the family with a diamond of his brilliance. And the manipulation is simple. For every success of the child, the parents retort that he could do better, faster and bigger. Parents press and press, thinking that they are cutting talent. And the child feels that he is a freak in the family. It seems to him that he is loved only for medals and certificates. Thinks love needs to be earned.

If the child is a follower, then in adulthood he will look for a tyrant. If a presenter is born in such a family, then he will quickly see through the manipulation of his parents, and will begin to do the opposite: he picks up twos, quits hockey and becomes a bard.

Parents are always "sick" people

Grabbing a heart, dripping valerian, applying a wet towel to your forehead is a scene from a cheap parental theater. Exclamations like:

“You want to take me to the grave”;
"You want to bring to a heart attack";
"When I die, you won't come to the grave either."

Or drip on the brain with phrases:

“Don't stay late, or if it takes my heart, then I won't be able to call an ambulance”;
“Another deuce, and I will have another heart attack,” and so on.

Some parents play such performances so often that children stop reacting to it. And God forbid that such a mother really grabbed her heart, and help from the child did not follow.

In every family there is such an offended person on which everyone is afraid to carry water. Remember in the cartoon "Win the Pooh" donkey Eeyore? He was always dissatisfied with everything, only then he found the strength to rejoice at the honey jug, the burst ball and his tail. Until then, he mumbled and mumbled.

Such people seem submissive, they humbly accept the hardships of life and mumble, mumble and mumble:

“Well, what can I do, how long I have left to live there”;
“I already had everything, now you can just while away life”;
"Nothing, I have never been to the sea, so I may not go."

Such a manipulator causes guilt in the lucky and merry fellows:

“Have fun, and I will cry”;
“You go, and I'll give myself an injection”;
"Do not think about me, this is a trifle, enjoy life, and I somehow myself."

They usually accompany all their phrases with facial expressions and mise-en-scènes: drooping shoulders, a dull look, a quiet voice.

The manipulator masters the technique of "suffering" perfectly and successfully terrorizes the whole family, especially children.

The supermarket was crowded in the evening, but it was impossible not to notice this kid in the crowd. Plump and pink, about 5-6 years old, he was lying in a beautiful jacket with a fringe right on the dirty floor and with clean sleeves raking in the generous spring slush brought by customers on shoes. “I want-oo-oo-oo! Buy-and-and-and! "

His mother, embarrassed, looked around. It's a shame. And then, in one impulse, she grabbed the designer in a box from the shelf and threw it into the cart. The little one nodded with satisfaction, got up, instantly calmed down and, wiping off the dirty stains from his jacket, stomped with her to the cash register.

Such situations are repeated every day. In shops, kindergartens, in our apartments. Children skillfully manipulate adults. And parents do not immediately realize that they are being used for their personal interests.

What it is?

Manipulation is an implicit, hidden tactic of influencing the psyche of others in order to achieve what you want.Everyone does it to one degree or another. At work in a team, in public transport, in the subway, in a family. Moreover, for all, without exception, ways to manipulate "legs grow" precisely from the practice of family manipulation, that is, from childhood. Experienced manipulators have reached impressive heights in this!

Parents often manipulate their children: “Buy you a chocolate bar? Then take away the toys! "," Do you love me? Then go with your grandmother to the dacha! "...

Children learn the art of psychological influence almost from birth, they have wonderful teachers - their own mom and dad. Even if parents try not to resort to manipulation, there is no guarantee that children will not “blackmail” their ancestors in various ways. By mastering this art, they, by and large, learn to be more successful. It is important to recognize manipulation as quickly as possible and take action, otherwise negative consequences cannot be avoided.

How to recognize?

Often the manipulation of children by the victim-parents is like a love deficit. Try not to get confused.

You are one hundred percent victim of a young manipulator if:

You have no choice. The options offered by the manipulator are illusory, they always play into the hands of only him. The victim always loses.
If you are not sure if you are a good parent and do a lot by trial, you often change the tactics of parenting. Sly children (and they are all without exception) quickly "grasp" your timidity and inconstancy and begin to play on the feeling of guilt.
If the child repeats the same situation often, and in it he exactly reproduces his facial expressions, words, gestures. Remember, this is manipulation!
If parents more and more often have a feeling that they were “cornered”.
If every time from a small problem (for example, to put on tights in the morning, going to kindergarten), the kid puts on a whole performance. If the ritual is repeated every day, this means only one thing: the young manipulator is trying to establish his control over the parents (example: the child does not want to go to bed, and every evening he demands that they bring him a drink, open the window, turn on the night light, then bring him back to drink. And this several times. This is most often - not thirst and not the need for fresh air. This is an attempt to delay the necessary sleep. Manipulation.

When do children start to manipulate?

This ability is formed at the age of 1.5 to 3 years. Babies perfectly feel the emotional state of their parents, especially their mothers, because the baby has a long-standing relationship with her - from birth and even 9 months before it. It is on the mother that the kids usually begin to hone their manipulator skills. Dads are less affected.

Some psychologists are of the opinion that babies under 1.5 years old do not know how to manipulate. Another part argue that the crumbs are manipulated perfectly by crying. From personal observations, I can say that babies do not always cry from hunger, cold or pain. There are times when they just scream. They call mom because they are bored and in a bad mood.And what is this, no matter how the very first manipulation?

Older children, who have already mastered the psychology of relationships and the simplest methods of influencing the parental psyche, pretend to be sick or roll on the floor in hysterical attacks in order to achieve what they want. In general, teenagers can openly blackmail.

Why do children do this?

They do not know how to cooperate as equals yet. Manipulation in this case replaces partnerships with adults.
They want a lifesaver — an always-working way to get what they want.
They want to be more mature and meaningful.

What methods do children use?

Hysterics ("weapon" of a wide spectrum of action - from whining to seizure).
Feigned helplessness- "Mom will do everything herself, because she will certainly pity me." Children complain that they cannot put on shoes, get dressed, that they are tired, they have a headache. Often they use this method when they do not want to go to kindergarten.
Feigned belligerence. This method is chosen by a manipulator with character. He tries to influence those around him with fights, quarrels. A usually calm child can suddenly become a real terrorist if he really wants to get what he wants.
Disease or its simulation. If the baby has firmly learned that mom and dad are ready to do everything for him when he is sick, then this can begin to be used for personal purposes. He will demonstrate weakness, complain of headaches, voluntarily go to bed and even drink a potion, because after that his parents will definitely allow him more than usual, buy the cherished toy and sweets.
Flattery. This method is quite common. Before asking for something, the baby will say compliments, hug, kiss the parents. But do not flatter yourself, he went to flattery in order to get what he wanted.

Effects

If manipulations are not stopped in childhood, indulge them, follow the lead, the child can grow up with incorrect, “unhealthy” attitudes towards the future.

Manipulations will become so firmly embedded in a person's character that it is difficult to predict what he will be ready to go to in order to get what he wants, for example, at 30 or 40 years old. The number of victims of the manipulator will grow with him.

Agree, it is very scary to deal with an adult, experienced and cunning manipulator. Most people are able to recognize manipulators, they feel their sixth sense, intuitively, and try to avoid them. Therefore, it will be extremely difficult for such matured psychological "terrorists" to build friendly relations, start a family, and get used to work collectives.

If a manipulator from childhood managed to make people "dance to his tune", and one day a malfunction of the well-functioning mechanism of influence suddenly happens, this can turn out to be a real disaster for the manipulator himself - a collapse of life values, severe depression and even psychopathy. And this is a difficult and unpleasant diagnosis.

How do I stop?

Now I will say a very unusual thing for loving parents - you need to forget about pity! Let's learn to distinguish between pity and mercy.

The first is a destructive feeling. It does not benefit either the pitying person or the pitying one. Compassion means understanding, responsiveness, love, and understanding the cause of what is happening. We stop feeling sorry for the manipulator and gain strength and patience.

If you already know for sure that you are being manipulated, and were able to determine with our help what type of manipulators your child belongs to, the time choose tactics of behavior with him:

Slow and helplessthose who are always looking at you with compassionate, ingratiating eyes should be encouraged to be independent and set a strict time frame for them. “Do it yourself. You can put on the shirt yourself. And you have 15 minutes for that! " Carefully use the oncoming manipulation - "before you get dressed, we will have to postpone the trip to the zoo." The main thing is your determination and inflexibility. Tears and a mournful look shouldn't make your heart flutter. The whole family should take care of the crybaby so that none of the household members changes his mind at the last moment and does not go to meet the aching "blackmailer".
With children whose favorite manipulation tool is hysterics,keep the Nordic calm. Calmness. And once again calmness. It is difficult, no one argues, but this is the only way the manipulator can understand that tantrums cannot improve the situation, that that method does not work. But be careful - hysterical-prone guys are usually very quick-witted and labile, they can quickly change tactics to another.
Bully and bully who manipulate through fights and quarrels, must be put in place. Show them that you are not afraid of them and no one is. Fighting enthusiasm will begin to subside.
With imitating diseaseit's pretty simple. The child began to complain, go to bed and hint, like Carlson, that "a jar of jam will definitely save the sickest person in the world"? Call your doctor right away or make an appointment at the clinic. Is always. After any complaint. Here your conscience will be clear: either deception and manipulation will be revealed, or a disease that actually exists can be treated at an early stage. Most children hate doctors and medicines. Therefore, the child will stop manipulating rather quickly.
The most dangerous manipulators are those who start doing it in a public place. It is publicly harder for parents to remain calm and not be led. But this must be done. A firm and categorical "No!" And no more explanations and beliefs.
Emotional blackmailers- is also not a simple category. Their favorite technique is to sigh heavily: “Nobody loves me here. You don't need me, why did you give birth to me? " They masterfully knock their parents together with their foreheads. Especially if the spouses are divorced. If one has forbidden something, then the second, in response to heavy sighs, will most likely give in and allow. Agree with your husband (wife) about unity of purpose. So that the “no” of one of the parents never becomes “yes” from the other. Moreover, if you are divorced.

Encourage direct expression of your desires. If you cannot give what the child asks for, directly and firmly say your "no" and justify why now the child's request cannot be fulfilled.
In the process of liberation from the manipulator's actions, do not allow the personality and character of the child to be crippled. He is what he is. And you can't change it radically.
The most violent manipulator is a teenager.He may even threaten to leave the house. This can and must be endured.
Try not to be manipulative yourself.Instead of: "Do the cleaning, buy ice cream" you can say: "Let's do the cleaning and then eat ice cream together?"
Don't compare children in a family."Look, he behaves well, and why are you like that?"
Let the child always feel that he is loved.
Do not run the situation with manipulation, stop it as quickly as possible.
Do not use physical punishment on the manipulator. This will not give the desired result, and will spoil the relationship completely.
There will be a lot of quarrels in the fight against manipulation.The main rule that you must learn yourself and inspire the child is always to make up before bed!
Teach your toddler to respect parenting needs as well - Mom is also a person, she can get tired, need silence. And therefore, joint modeling is postponed to a later time.
Guilt is extremely difficult for parents to cope with. Remember, children can manipulate guilt feelings too.
It is important for parents to stop being manipulative themselves, at least on the family front.The most common marital tools to achieve something are silence, a sudden departure "to live with a friend or mother," a spree. Sound familiar? Then it's time to learn to trust and express your desires openly.
Psychologist's advice
Parent manipulation