What should both of them do? How to get rid of parental control without ruining the relationship?

When we were little, our parents naturally knew and knew more than us. And it is perfectly normal that they used their wisdom and knowledge to guide and help us in solving difficult life situations. But now we have grown up and we no longer need custody. When asked why parents interfere in the lives of adult children, they say: "Because we love you and wish you well." In fact, behind these words is not love, but an egoistic sense of ownership and also the fear of aging and becoming unnecessary for his child, "in whom so much has been invested."

Nobody has the right to rule your life. It is high time for parents to admit that everything they do for their child - they do for themselves. Of course, at a glance, many of the parents' requirements look logical and reasonable, but in fact, they are most often aimed at maintaining control over the child for as long as possible. And if the grown up child does not accept the proposals or conditions of the parents, then pressure begins on the feeling of guilt and health manipulation, which causes resentment and conflicts on both sides.

“But not all parents are like that!” - they will tell me. Of course not, and thank God! And not all children are ready to submit to parental control. Let's see why it happens that adults fall under the control of their parents. And what should the children do to get rid of it.

Most often, the management of your life comes from a lack of striving.

Many parents continue to manage and control the life of their adult children precisely because children do not take responsibility for it and are unable to position themselves as an independent person. Most often these are people who are insecure about their decisions and actions. It is easier and more convenient for them that other people solve difficult issues for them, and parents, as the most significant figures in a person's life, are also more competent, out of habit. most likely, people who allow other people to control their lives feel incompetent in some areas of their lives and it is difficult for them to make independent decisions, because they will have to bear responsibility for them. And so it is very convenient, hiding behind the desire of your parents to control your life, you can blame all the failures on the fact that they control it.

What to do? Recognize weaknesses in your personality and honestly tell your parents your intention to make decisions yourself and be responsible for them. Admit your mistakes and your right to them. Do not be afraid to make mistakes, they help you find the true path. When setting the limits of their influence to your parents, do not forget to say that your love for them remains the same, and often it grows even more and true respect is added to it. Don't expect quick results, as it takes time to develop a new style of behavior. Time is needed not only for you, but also for your parents, it is also difficult for them to admit that you have grown up and no longer belong to them. Good luck to you!

Trying to find a balance between allowing your children to be independent while still in control of their lives can be daunting.

“Psychological control can limit a child's independence and make them less capable of regulating their behavior,” Dr. May Stafford.

Sometimes, the family can interfere with your life very aggressively. Trying to find a balance between allowing your children to be independent while still in control of their lives can be daunting. However, excessive adherence to one principle can lead to the formation of a family in which total control is exercised.

« Families and parents who try to control their child's every move make them people who display maladaptive behavior simply because controlling behavior “can limit a child's independence and make them less capable of regulating their behavior,” says Dr. May Stafford. Here are some of the most common behaviors of adults who have grown up in a family under the close supervision of their loved ones.

1. The problem with independence

Adults who grew up in a tightly controlled family will have problems maintaining independence from other people in their lives. Sometimes, it may even be close friends. But more often than not, the new role of co-dependence falls on the romantic partner. Due to the controlling nature in the behavior of the past family, already an adult may start looking for someone who can create a similar atmosphere in his new family.

2. Perfectionism

Someone who grew up in a family under control is more likely to become a perfectionist. This perfectionism is often associated with a desire to avoid trouble or criticism from the family. As an adult, perfectionism carries over into the rest of their daily lives. This behavior is often maladaptive and can cause problems at work or in building a relationship with a partner.

3. The problem with self-esteem

Family control makes the child feel a little uncertain. This is done so that his behavior is easier to control then.
“Often, the root of low self-esteem is deep within a child who feels“ not good enough. ” As children, we only feel accepted and appreciated to the extent that we feel unconditionally loved and supported by our parents, ”says Dr. Sonera Javery.

This uncertainty carries over into adulthood in the form of low self-esteem and self-doubt. This means that someone who has an overly controlling family is more likely to seek validation of their accomplishments and behavior in general from their friends or romantic partners. They may have trouble performing normal daily tasks if they don't get approval from someone else in their life.

4. Feelings of fear

Around those people who grew up in a family under undue supervision, an intimidating atmosphere will gradually build up. She appears from the experienced feelings from her close relatives. Already in adulthood, these people cannot control and correctly understand their emotions, which can make them struggle with feelings of fear. In their opinion, everyone around them is trying to intimidate them, although in fact no one even thought about the manifestation of ill will.

5. Inability to relax

Adults raised in a controlling family are unable to rest properly. They often feel that they are being watched and tested. This is due to the fact that such people were constantly monitored during childhood. This violates the sense of one's own territory, which makes the person unable to feel comfortable in solitude. In adulthood, these people will still feel like they are being watched, no matter how distant they are from their family.

6. Feelings of betrayal

If a child was imposed from childhood on the opinion that he should not get tattoos under any circumstances, then in adult life, if he does this, he will feel that he has betrayed his loved ones. This is a clear example of what will become of a person if you constantly put pressure on him and impose his opinion. Inappropriate behavior is a rather subjective concept. Adults who grew up in such a family cannot fully express themselves due to fear of disappointment or betrayal of their loved ones.

7. Personality change

When a child becomes an adult, he begins to enjoy the freedom that his parents limited. For some people, this freedom can be addictive. For example, many adults who have grown up under control drink much more than they should. And all because now they are free of control. For this reason, the abuse of psychotropic and other harmful substances is quite common among adults who grew up in such families.

8. Lies

Adults who had a controlling family often grew up not shying away from lies. It turned into a habit, so they resorted to it even when it was not necessary. They lie about little things, like what they had for lunch or what they did on the weekend. Lying isn't usually big enough to get caught. This is a residual coping mechanism that has been formed since childhood. Because of this, the child had to lie to his family to avoid trouble and to show some independence.

9. Problems with decision making

The controlling family makes decisions about anything for their child. This leads to the fact that he will never learn how to make independent decisions. Once a child is on the path to adulthood, this inability to make decisions continues. People who grew up in such a family seek information from the people around them before taking action, or simply avoid responsibility altogether.

Outcome

Adults who grew up under tightly controlled conditions may not realize they are exhibiting this behavior until they are shown it. As with most maladaptive behaviors, there is hope that a problem that has developed since childhood will be eliminated. Therapists and mental health experts have long been helping adults learn to control their lives after growing up in such families. Remember there is always hope!

Love or fear?

The origins of over-parenting are easy to recognize. For the most part, these are fears and attitudes that are passed off as love.

Fear that something will happen to the child

He makes him create an airbag around the baby: “If you go there, you will fall down the stairs and break your knees. Better stay at home. " As a result, the world becomes dangerous and full of obstacles. The child really sits at home, out of fear of leaving the comfort zone. And this is very convenient for parents, because they do not need to worry - everything is under control. The same thing continues into adulthood. If the "obedient child" does not cause trouble, you do not need to worry and worry - everything is fine.

Fear of not coping with surprises

Elementary fear of the new. Does the child show remarkable abilities in literature? But in the family, everything is entirely mathematics, it is not clear what to do with the gift of a child. “Why do you need literature? You will be a beggar all your life. We have all accountants in our family, and you follow the tradition. " Misunderstanding and rejection of the new one of the parents can affect the emergence of prohibitions and obsessive wishes. If the setting: “Don't scare me with the new, I feel uncomfortable at the same time” does not disappear, the child, growing up, will continue to do only what is understandable and accessible to his mother (father, grandmother).

The belief that a child should be perfect

In other words, the fear of not being an ideal mother, whose child does not crawl on the floor, does not drag dirty toys into his mouth, begins to walk exactly at the age at which it should be. After some time, the child of an ideal mother must go to the right institution, find only the job she wants for him, and start a family with the right person. Then she is an ideal mother, and life is going right.

Feeling unnecessary for a spouse, striving to find an ally in a child

An example of a subconscious message to a child: "At least you do not let me down, like your father (mother)!" So, “live this way and do this, and never leave me. You must need me, otherwise it will be too hard for me to realize that no one needs me. "

Parents are not interested in living their own lives

The whole focus of attention is in the child. He owes them. For example, he must do what they did not do, conquer the peaks they invented and prevent their mistakes. And they will help him in this: allow something, but forbid something. The importance of every step the child takes (right or wrong) in this case is incredibly high.

Sever the umbilical cord

As a child, you hardly felt that you could put an equal sign between parental fears and love. The phrases “we love you, we worry, we want the best” were then taken at face value. It's just that as you grow up, you increasingly feel guilt, and sometimes you have the feeling that you should ... Realizing that parental love is realized not in help and support, but in total control and various manipulations, it's time to radically change the situation. To do this, you can try several options, each with their own pros and cons.

Showdown

The favorite advice of psychologists in resolving family conflicts is to talk. The main thing is not to point out the mistakes of the parents in a conversation (so far not a single case is known when such a tactic has worked). If you think over a conversation plan in advance, it has every chance of success. It is best if you start it when your mom (or your dad) is relaxing on the couch - a relaxed body position will allow her (him) to be more sympathetic to your words. Talk to your parents in a gentle, grown-up voice. And don't forget to build phrases. Always start it with pleasant words addressed to mom or dad and only then explain your position, for example: "I love you and will help you, as before, but now I have my own family, and I will pay attention to it." There is a great risk of sinking to a banal showdown and a family scandal. If your parents provoke you to pity, before you commit a noble deed, consider whether it is not against your interests.

Retire

Separation, that is, complete separation from parents and a reduction in the number of contacts with them, is a rather mature, but at the same time desperate step. Although in some cases it is he who brings worthy fruits over time. It will be useful for both you and your parents to review your relationship at a distance from each other and draw certain conclusions. At first, you will certainly be tormented by a feeling of guilt: your parents may need help, attention, they are not in very good health. And there is a grain of reason in this. In addition, it is not very pleasant to act as a manipulator yourself, if the lack of communication with you for mom or dad is akin to depriving them of an arm or leg.

Patience

This option is typical for those people who have infinite respect for their parents. On the one hand, this is great. But on the other hand, are you sure that such a position is really tantamount to respect of elders? You have the opportunity to fully feel like a good person. You will have to come to terms with the fact that you are not fully master of your destiny. In addition, you will have to deal with annoyance with your own parents all the time.

Escape to childhood

Sometimes we ourselves give a reason for parents to patronize us to gray hair. At first, we are happy to place responsibility for our lives in their hands, and as we mature, we find a husband, girlfriend or colleague who can offer certain rules of the game. In this situation, you should be aware that this is an equivalent exchange. Parents get the opportunity to feel their own authority and importance to you, and you, in turn, gain emotional balance and calmness through their care. This game will last as long as the rules suit both sides, and this is quite normal. But keep in mind: if your own children constantly see you as a “child”, they begin to perceive you as an equal, that is, you lose the authority of an adult and knowledgeable person in their eyes.

Change the situation

This is undoubtedly the most difficult path. Many find it hard to believe that a relationship that all family members have been involved in for years can change. However, with certain efforts and systematic actions, they still lend themselves to adjustment.

Understand

Often, parental overprotection does not come from evil, but from self-doubt and excessive responsibility. And even if your family members interfere in your adult life solely for selfish motives, they may have experienced the same situation from their own parents.

Feel more mature than your own parents

Try to treat your parents as the doctor treats the patient: kindly, firmly and patiently. Do not under any circumstances react to their attempts to drag you into another scandal. Remember, your aggressive reaction to your parents' attempts to interfere in your life is akin to a child's fear: “She will decide for me now! We must stop this! " The reaction of a really adult person is calmer, because he is convinced: "I myself control my life, no one can impose their point of view on me." How can you achieve such Spartan calm? Learn how to respond correctly to the next comments from mom or dad. Instead of: “Mom, leave me alone! You still don’t understand anything! Don't bother with your advice! " try to formulate your thought differently: “Thank you, now I know what you would do. Now I will think for myself and decide what to do. "

Increase the distance between your parents and your own life

Your parents shouldn't get the impression that you are pushing them out of your life. You just clearly delineate a circle of personal space in which you do not want to let them, at least too often. First of all, do not give a chance to terrorize you with calls - call yourself, often enough, but not on schedule, but unexpectedly. Meet more often not at your own (or at your parents') home, but go out together. Think of something for your parents to do when they have a lot of free time, like going to the pool, losing weight on a specific schedule, or building a family tree. Ask regularly how the process is going. According to surveys, many people, up to gray hair, hide from their parents certain facts of their biography, for example, smoking or excessive wastefulness.

How to become an adult?

Ideally, the process of growing up is gradual - year after year, you become more and more distant from your parents. Moreover, each of us, according to the American psychologist Hoffman, chooses his own path to independence.

Emotional

Reducing dependence on parental disapproval or praise.

Functional

Ability to provide for yourself, your family and organize your life.

Conflicting

The ability to not feel guilty if you live your own way.

Personal

Allows you to stop evaluating the world of people by parental categories. Developing your own views on life based on personal experience.

There are different parenting styles and, unfortunately, the controlling style is one of the most common. Rather than gently directing the formation of a child's attitude towards himself, parents try to make the child what they think he should be.

As the name suggests, the main feature of this style is a controlling approach to children. It is sometimes called authoritarian or "helicopter upbringing" because parents behave in a dictatorial manner or constantly "hover" over the child like a helicopter, controlling his every step.

Signs of a controlling parenting and why it's harmful

The methods used in the controlling parenting style are fraught with personal boundaries and do not meet the true needs of the child.

1. Unrealistic expectations and a doomed scenario.

Parents expect the child to live up to irrational, unhealthy, or simply unattainable standards and punish them if they do not. For example, your father orders you to do something, but never explains how to do it, and then gets angry at you if you did not complete the task on time or properly.

Often the orders of the controlling parents are such that failure is inevitable and the child experiences negative consequences, no matter what he did or how they coped with the task. For example, your mother tells you to urgently run to the store, although it is raining outside, and then she is angry with you for returning home soaked to the skin.

2. Unreasonable, unilateral rules and regulations.

Instead of talking to children, negotiating or taking the time to explain established rules that apply to all family members or society as a whole, controlling parents set their own strict rulesthat apply only to the child, or only to certain people. These rules are one-sided, unfair and often do not even have a clear explanation.

"Go clean the room!" - "But why?" - "Because I said so!".

"Do not smoke!" "But you smoke yourself, Dad." - "Do not argue with me and do what I say, not what I do!"

Instead of appealing to the child's own interests, this appeal focuses on the inequality of power and power of parents over the child.

3. Punishment and control.

When a child does not want to obey or is unable to comply with everything that is expected of him, he is severely punished and only tightened control. Again, often without any explanation, except: "Because I'm your mother!" or "Because you misbehave!"

There are two types of controlling behavior:

The first: active or explicit, which includes the use of physical force, yelling, invasion of privacy, intimidation, threats or restrictions on freedom of movement.

Second: passive or hidden, which implies manipulation, appeal to feelings of guilt, shame, assuming the role of a victim, and so on.

Thus, the child is forced to either submit to force or to be manipulated. And if this does not happen, he is punished for disobedience and non-compliance with standards.

4. Lack of empathy, respect and care.

In authoritarian families, instead of being accepted as a person with equal rights to everyone, the child usually takes the role of a subordinate. In contrast, parents and other powerful figures are seen as bosses.

The child is not allowed to challenge the established distribution of roles or challenge parental authority. This hierarchy is expressed in a lack of empathy, respect, warmth, and emotional care for the child.

Most controlling parents are usually able to take care of the child's physical, basic needs (food, clothing, shelter), but they are either emotionally unavailable or too overbearing and selfish.

Feedback that a child receives in the form of punishment and control destroys his sense of self-worth and identity.

5. Change of roles.

Because many controlling parents have strong narcissistic tendencies, they consciously or unconsciously believe that the purpose and meaning of a child's life is to satisfy the needs of the parents, and not vice versa.

They see in their child a property and an object that is needed to serve their needs and desires. As a result, in many scenarios, the child is forced to play the role of the parent, and the parents willingly accept the role of the child.

A child is expected to care for his or her parents emotionally, financially, physically, and even be sensitive to their sexual needs and desires. If a child is unwilling or unable to do so, he is called a bad son / daughter, punished, forced, or manipulated with guilt.

6. Infantilism.

Since controlling parents do not see their child as a separate, independent person, they grow addiction in him. This attitude negatively affects the child's self-esteem, his sense of his own competence and identity.

Because parents behave as if their child is inferior and unable to live up to their own interests, they are convinced that they themselves know what is best for the child, even when he is able to make decisions and assess risks on his own. This increases dependence and leads to developmental delays because the child cannot establish adequate boundaries, develop a sense of responsibility for himself and a clear sense of his own identity.

On a psychological, usually unconscious level, by not allowing the child to grow into a strong, competent and self-sufficient person, the parent keeps him attached to himself even more closely, continuing to satisfy his own needs (see point 5). Such a child usually has difficulty making decisions and developing the necessary competencies. He fails to build full-fledged relationships built on mutual respect and trust.

As adults, such children exhibit behaviors aimed at constantly seeking approval, suffer from feelings of undervaluation, over-attachment, indecision, addiction, and a host of other emotional and behavioral problems.

By Darius Ciranavicius

P.S. And remember, just by changing your consciousness - together we are changing the world! © econet

I want to talk about the parents of already grown children. At the same time, we will make the assumption that the children still covered a significant part of their distance.

Quite a lot and often write about separation from parents, but it would be nice to see what happens “on the other end of the line". The process is, whatever one may say, mutual. The difficulties of separation, and sometimes the impossibility of its completion, lie in wait for the parents. In this article, I will not consider the difficulties faced by parents whose children are in their teens. Here separation from the family in the phase of active hostilities.

I want to talk about the parents of already grown children. At the same time, we will make the assumption that the children still covered a significant part of their distance. On a psychological level, they have a more or less mature personality with well-built, but flexible enough boundaries. In social terms, it is an independent life, that is, a home, a job and, possibly, already your own family. Various unsuccessful options with addictions, antisocial behavior and the like will not be taken into account here.

Sketches from life

Let's first take a look at what an unseparated parent looks like in real life.

Picture 1. Mom visiting an adult son / daughter. Comes to visit with a full bag of various products. And this is not "something for tea" as a tribute to tradition. There may be no sweets in the grocery set at all if the mother thinks that sweets are harmful to her “child”. No, the bag will contain everything for cooking borscht, a supply of cereals for a couple of years and something else useful. He will start cooking immediately, bypassing the stage of tea drinking. In some cases, you may come with a bowl of ready-made borscht. Then he will immediately move on to the next stage of putting things in order both in the apartment and in the head of the offspring. He is very offended at attempts to stop and often sadly repeats: "I'm trying for you."

Picture 2. Mom calls many times a day, asking about her well-being, lunch menu, grandchildren, if any, and other household members. Immediately gives valuable recommendations on all points voiced, along the way finding out other details from life. If the child tries to reduce the frequency and duration of interrogations, he immediately retorts: "I'm worried about you."

Picture 3. Something constantly happens to the mother, and this requires the immediate intervention of her adult child. Accidents include anything from a leaking tap or having to dig potatoes to a heart attack. If the request is not satisfied immediately, either the threatening “Don't you feel sorry for your mother?” Or the compassionate: “Who will help me besides you?”.

Picture 4.The object of the mother's closest attention and control is the spouse of her beloved child. It makes no sense to describe the relationship in this triangle - folklore did it for me. I will only note that the number of jokes and anecdotes about mother-in-law is many times greater than the number of stories about mother-in-law. And there is a good reason for that: joking about the first, once unconditionally beloved woman in a man's life is dear to himself.

Picture 5. Let's talk about dads. Aside from ideological differences over soccer teams and political parties, dads are more likely to give advice on how to work. Compare the success of the offspring with their career and other life achievements over the same period. They give out detailed plans and instructions on how to reach the next Olympus, under the motto: "I know better."

Parents usually have a few favorite strategies in their arsenal that combine any of the above and many other ways to influence. The apotheosis is often the phrase: "I'm a mother / father!", Which should put an end to any debate.

Yes, and even attempts to reason with the parent by reminding them how old the "child" is, how long it has been living separately and with its own mind, are often suppressed by phrases like: "But for me you will always be my little child."

What is actually hidden behind such pictures?

Manipulation. All of the above expressions are as such. Let me briefly remind you that manipulation is a specific way to get what you want from the subject. The peculiarity is that the manipulative message contains some kind of truthful part, due to which it penetrates into consciousness, and a false part, which, in combination with the truth, puts the brain into a stupor.

So the truth is that the parties are closely related, can care, worry, help each other. But it is not true that:

• this is a parent-child relationship, which is also characterized by a vertical organization and a way of communication. The parent-child relationship ended at the moment when the child became an adult, at least formally. Further, the interaction should be built on the "adult-adult" plane, that is, on an equal footing, which does not exclude reverence for elders;
• the mother / father, just because they are, can violate the boundaries of their adult child. They cannot: the boundaries of the individual perform the same function as the state ones.No borders - no state, no full-fledged mature personality. Crossing foreign borders is possible only with the permission of the receiving party and in compliance with the rules established by it;
• parents know better what is needed and how to do it right, as they are older and they have more life experience. But no one has the right to determine what is better or what is needed by another person, unless the latter is officially recognized as incompetent. Even if an adult child is wrong, he has the right to do so - this is his life;
• a grown-up son / daughter owes infinitely for giving birth, raising them and further down the list. This is perhaps the most difficult point. The "debt" for the gift of life is given ... to life itself. The birth of children, creative activity. It is much more difficult to determine the level of attention, care and assistance to slowly aging parents. It also depends on the existing relationship, and on many external circumstances, and on cultural customs and traditions. One thing can be said: if it is a "duty", the separation has not yet taken place.

Helplessness. Let's go back to our sketches. It is easy to see that the third picture describes a situation in which the parent himself takes a childish position, implying that in relation to him the other side will take an adult caring position. But this helplessness is also manipulative.

And there is another helplessness of the parent - in front of his own life. This is the so-called "empty nest syndrome". The role of the child's parent has ended, and the roles of a woman / man, a spouse, and various social incarnations come to the fore again and in a new capacity. Not everyone is psychologically ready to deal with them. Therefore, by all means pulls the chick back into the nest in order to drown out his own anxiety in front of the tasks and challenges of the changed realities.

Power and control. This is the flip side of helplessness. It is difficult for a parent to control his changed life, and the process of controlling a child has been built and honed over the years. And the fact that he, who has grown up, tries in every possible way to avoid the supervising eye, can even heat up the excitement.

As for power in the negative sense of the word, when an adult asserts himself at the expense of a child, then this is initially a bias and dysfunction. A top-down look and appropriate tone of voice towards an adult is direct aggression. Such messages sound like an order from a master to a slave. I consider this comparison to be appropriate, not the boss-subordinate relationship. Communication between an adequate boss and a subordinate takes place in a slightly different plane. Such communication from top to bottom, regardless of intentions, is a gross violation of personal boundaries and automatically causes a desire to protect them - that is, retaliatory aggression. It can be expressed in a passive form: in response, they said nothing or agreed for the sake of appearance, but inside there was irritation and anger, which would then faint and spoil the relationship.

Mistrust. Here I will turn to the concept of E. Erickson, in which, in particular, there are such concepts as “basic trust in the world”, “competence”, “generativity”. The latter refers to the age of 25-60 years and means the ability to generate in the broadest sense of the word. But this is not enough, it is necessary that the created becomes a contribution to the flow of life. This is the very return of the "debt" of life, since previously a person mainly only takes resources from the world.

So, the terms mentioned in relation to our problem can be formed in the following combinations:

the parent does not feel very competent, does not trust himself in raising the child. As a result, his creation is not good enough, and before releasing it into the world, you still need to finish something, add it, educate it;

if a parent has difficulties with trusting the world, then the world is already not good enough for his creation. And then there will be an unconscious desire not to let the child out into the awful adult life;

the combination of the two previous patterns is an explosive mixture. If the child managed to somehow separate from his parents, then this was most likely accompanied by a break in relations.

Unfulfilled ambitions. I will mention them in one line - it has been written about this problem, and enough has been filmed. Remember at least the film "Black Swan". They are trying to oblige the child to live that life and realize what the parents did not succeed in their time. Little good comes out of this.

And the more a parent tries to be present in the life of an adult son or daughter with the help of these strategies, the more actively imposes outdated models of behavior and roles, the more tension in interaction and the stronger the desire to distance themselves from children. That is, the effect is exactly the opposite of the desired one. Whereas the communication of adults, built on mutual respect for the pictures of the world of each, on careful handling of the boundaries of the other, only strengthens family ties.

If any of the above is present in your relationship with your parents, do not rush to show them the article. Behind this most likely lies a desire to "re-educate" them, to get, if not ideal, then good enough parents. This means that your separation is still far from complete.

Therefore, practice neutrality, explore and learn to defend your boundaries in sustainable, non-aggressive ways, and then your parents will also have the opportunity to join the game according to adult rules.published