Disagreements between parents in raising a child. A close-knit family will move a mountain, or how to overcome differences in raising a child. Senior adolescence

Each spouse was raised differently by their parents, so the principles and methods of raising a child in each family are completely different. That is why it is sometimes difficult for young parents to agree on the issues of raising their own baby. On this basis, disagreements often arise, which is very harmful to the baby himself. To avoid such disagreements, it is necessary to find a compromise and learn to cooperate with each other.

In the first weeks and months of a child’s life, parents tenderly nurse him, hold him in their arms for a long time and that’s all. free time spent with the baby. But when the child grows up and begins to show his character, this is where parents begin to have discrepancies in matters of upbringing. In some families there are real conflicts about this. With age, the child begins to understand that mom can allow what dad prohibits and vice versa, and takes advantage of it. In the presence of one of the parents, the child may allow himself a real tantrum in order to achieve desired result(for example, in a store or on a walk).

Unfortunately, very often you can observe a situation where a child simply demands to buy him something or go somewhere. At the same time, he cries, stamps his feet and even falls to the floor. Parents react to this behavior in different ways. Usually, many mothers try to switch the child’s attention to something else or persuade him. But most dads either fulfill children’s whims so that the baby calms down faster, or they begin to threateningly educate right on the spot (with threats of being punished at home). But it is much worse when a child behaves this way in the presence of both parents and their tactics of responding to such behavior of the baby are exactly the opposite. Such a kid can make a good manipulator.

The upbringing of a child’s full personality and the formation of his inner world directly depends on the unified and agreed requirements of the parents. The baby will not be able to understand what is bad and what is good if parents act differently in matters of upbringing. Such children usually feel uncertainty and even anxiety. In some situations they cannot understand what is the right thing to do. When making a decision on their own, the child worries that one of the parents will definitely punish or scold him. This can lead to the child starting to be cunning, deceive, and please an adult.

It is even more dangerous when parents openly begin to argue and sort things out over the child’s behavior. Such family conflicts lead to nervous disorders in children, and in the future, more serious problems associated with constant fears and even depression.

Reasons for disagreement

There are two main reasons that prevent parents from finding a common line of behavior regarding raising their baby. The first reason is the educational methods that were applied to them in their families in childhood. After all, the behavior of parents towards their children leaves a lasting imprint and is transferred to the next generation, to their own children. And the second reason is the different, and sometimes opposite, characters of mom and dad. Dad, for example, has a strong character, brought up in strict discipline and severity, and mother is kind, gentle, able to forgive and pamper.

The personal characteristics of two adults cannot be altered or changed. In such families, common sense should prevail, which will help parents agree among themselves and develop their own method of education that will suit all family members. It is imperative to listen to the opinions of both spouses and try to come to a mutual decision.

Parents with different views on life simply need to learn to negotiate. Moreover, this will have to be done constantly, throughout life, without hysterics and conflicts. Moms and dads must remember that every child copies the behavior model of their parents and in the future will transfer this model to their family. Therefore, the child should see the example of adults who know how to speak calmly, without raised tones. Using the example of their parents, children will learn to come to mutual understanding, take into account the opinion of their other half and respect each other.

Constantly talk to each other heart to heart, do not accumulate resentment and misunderstanding.
Discuss education issues not on the go and in a bad mood, but in a calm atmosphere and in a balanced state. Leave everything you are doing and devote 15-20 minutes a day to such a conversation.
Never sort things out with each other while in an irritated or excited state. Try to calm down first.
Perceive your spouse as an independent person with his own principles and beliefs, and not as an adversary or enemy. A different point of view is not to spite each other, but simply a different upbringing.
Even if a husband and wife think differently, which often happens, this does not prevent them from respecting each other and trying to take into account the opinions of both.
There is no point in arguing about the process and methods of parenting in front of a child. The baby should feel the unity and cohesion of the parents. The parental authority of both adults is very important to him.
Never blame each other for mistakes and failures in raising a child. Such behavior of one of the spouses will only aggravate the situation and will inevitably end in conflict.
The situation can easily be aggravated by involving grandparents, friends and girlfriends in disputes. Solve your problems together, do not involve “helpers,” even your closest and dearest.
Always raise your child together. Mom and dad must have their responsibilities towards the child, starting from the first days of the baby’s life. Do not create conditions for one of the parents to withdraw from the process of raising themselves.

New products in the menu of a two-year-old baby

By the age of 2, the child is familiar with almost all products. The difference is that their portions and cooking methods change. If previously almost all products were chopped for the baby’s convenience, now there are dishes with pieces of meat, coarsely chopped vegetables and fruits. Brand new and healthy foods on the children's table - lamb and animal liver.

The problem of different approaches to education between mom and dad is not that uncommon. The emergence of disagreements on some issues is normal. But how not to turn them into a real confrontation and - most importantly - not to harm the child?

What are the causes of parental disagreements?

Let’s say right away that different approaches to parenting among spouses are very common. They usually arise from copying or, conversely, rejecting the parenting style that was applied to parents in their own childhood. As we grow up, some of us try to completely adopt the family model. And someone, having received a traumatic experience, chooses a strategy of sharp differences from former values. Sometimes it’s just the new mother and father who find themselves on both sides of the barricades.

Although often the reason for disagreement in the education system is a banal difference in characters. While the pedantic and harshly disciplinarian father demands unquestioning obedience, the softer mother takes the role of the child's friend, allowing him to fool around and be capricious. This is just one of the possible models, but you must agree that you have at least once observed the described situation in the house of your relatives or friends.

Consequences of disagreements for a child

If disagreements are moderate and do not develop into a full-fledged conflict, you can see their positive impact on the child: from childhood he learns to adapt in communication with different people and becomes more flexible in terms of communication.

However, if parental arguments often occur in front of the child, the situation becomes dangerous. Firstly, the child’s anxiety level may increase due to constant anticipation and uncertainty - can he act in this way or not, will he be punished for this act or is it acceptable? Secondly, conflicts themselves aggravate the situation in the home and upset the child.

In addition, inconsistency in parental decisions develops children's propensity for manipulation and cunning. By learning to play on the disagreement between mom and dad, the child will be able to run for help to a “kind” parent so that they will take pity on him and cancel the punishment. Moreover, the punishment itself, even if it was fair, will not be understandable to the child and will not bring any educational benefit. The main and saddest result is the undermining of parental authority in the eyes of the baby.

How to find a compromise?

First of all, parents on different sides need to sit down at the negotiating table and develop a common parenting style. This search for a golden mean should be carried out together, without involving relatives, otherwise disagreements may become even greater. At the same time, do not bend your line, but try to understand your spouse, delve into his views - perhaps they are not so groundless. The desired goal is to accept general rules for communication with the child, which he should not violate.

Also agree that you will resolve new conflicts arising due to different views on education calmly and not in front of the baby. Having a fight in public is simply unacceptable. It is worth remembering that if a child grows up on your arguments, sooner or later he will also begin to confront you, since this model of behavior will seem normal to him.

Avoid in every possible way statements that could undermine the authority of your other half in the eyes of the child. “You spoil him, because of you he grows up disobedient,” “These are all the fruits of your upbringing” - such words grow in the child a sense of guilt and a desire to object to one of the parents.

If you and your spouse can't come to an agreement, don't be afraid to get outside help. Sometimes just books and magazines on pedagogy and child psychology are enough. If the situation really seems like a dead end to you, a consultation with a family psychotherapist who specializes in resolving such conflicts will help resolve it.

If you and your husband have different views on parenting, how can you raise a child together? After all, all your disagreements with your husband in raising a child are reflected precisely on him...While parents argue until they are hoarse, deciding where to put a comma in the phrase “Punish cannot be praised,” their child does not know how to please both of them.

How can we agree among ourselves on a parenting strategy? And is it even possible?

Two sides of one life

It is not difficult to notice that a man and a woman often disagree on most important issues. For education, this is not a minus, but a plus, because different views of parents help the child form a more complete picture of the world. But for this, adults need not to quarrel, but to appreciate each other’s unique roles, inherent in a woman-mother and a man-father by nature itself.

From the mother, the child learns the ability to express emotions - love, concern, care, empathy. She also instills in him tact and diplomacy, allowing him to negotiate even with very aggressive people. And the father shows the child how to cope with his feelings, take responsibility and make decisions in case of danger.

If a child falls and cries, the mother should feel sorry for him, and the father should advise him on how to minimize losses. But often, instead of receiving help from both sides, the baby finds himself caught in the crossfire. “Have mercy on the child! Can’t you see that he’s crying?” - Mom is indignant. “It’s okay, it’ll heal before the wedding!” - the father retorts.

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child are a difference in reactions to the same event; you need to give the child the opportunity to receive double support, and not be a reason for your quarrel.

Another important role of the father is a critical look at the actions of the baby. While mom admires the blue hippo bear on children's drawing, Dad lists the shortcomings that prevent this painting from claiming the title of masterpiece.

This way the child maintains a high level of self-esteem, and at the same time he learns to calmly respond to critical remarks.

A very common mistake among women is the desire to protect the child from... the father. Is it possible to trust a husband to take a baby in his arms, much less bathe him? How to send a five-year-old son with his dad fishing?.. As a result, the father not only does not gain the necessary experience in dealing with the child, but also distances himself from him emotionally, perceiving the heir as a part of his wife, and not as his own continuation.

Moreover, he places all responsibility on his wife and subsequently blames her for the inevitable mistakes. Do not justify your pedagogical principles with an omnipotent maternal instinct. Give your husband the opportunity to realize his father's.

Disagreements with my husband in raising a child and ways to get closer

Despite the difference in approaches, there are fundamentally important issues in education in which parents simply need to agree on opinions. Otherwise, the child will quickly learn to manipulate adults, playing on the contradictions between them.

Discuss your child's pranks with your husband to find out which of them he considers serious offenses and which are acceptable. Men are much more likely than women to forgive their children for displays of aggressiveness and risky behavior such as climbing trees or jumping over a fence.

Having approved a unique list of “crimes,” you and your husband will be less likely to disagree, scolding your child for some offense.

Sometimes you really want to spank a child... But psychologists and teachers are unanimous: physical punishment does not instill in a child anything other than reciprocal hostility and fear. If your husband is a heavy hand, show him statistics and scientific articles, refer to the experiences of relatives or neighbors, so that he understands that refusing spanking is a necessity, not softness.

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - agree to help each other in those moments when one of you has poor control over your anger. Try to use the same punishments. It is better that there are no more than 2-3 of them and it is desirable that they are associated with depriving the baby of children’s “values” - sweets, cartoons, games on the tablet.

At the same time, try not to deviate from your demands, otherwise the baby will know that mom or dad can somehow be moved to pity and avoid punishment.

If your husband believes that your daughter should wash dishes from the very day she began to reach the sink (“Otherwise she will grow up to be a bad housewife!”), you are unlikely to convince him. Better ask him to buy doll dishes and let the girl train.

Many men place excessive demands on their children, claiming that their parents did the same. At such moments, there is a great temptation to say something caustic about the teaching talents of the mother-in-law. Do not even think about it! So you will move from issues of education to mutual insults. It’s better to help your husband look at the baby objectively.

Give the example of some respected relative of your spouse: “Our Temka is so similar to Dmitry Petrovich! I think you’re worrying in vain: what you consider the child’s disadvantages are the very genes that helped Dmitry Petrovich achieve success!”

Disagreements with your husband in raising a child - what to feed the baby, how to dress him in hot and cold weather, how to protect him from injuries? These questions concern all parents. But you can only find out how a child reacts to a particular food and weather through trial and error. And no one is safe from falls and bruises.

Don't blame each other if one of you makes a mistake. Try to perceive what happened as an invaluable experience that will help you avoid more serious problems.

Problems of raising children in the family- this is an eternal, but still unresolved topic. This question occupies the minds of scientists - teachers, psychologists, causing controversy and disagreement. Everyday battles escalate into scientific conferences. Strictness or softness? Authoritarianism or connivance? There is no shortage of supporters of this or that type of education.

And children continue to be at a loss - how to behave in order to be good in the eyes of their parents, and what to expect next from these incomprehensible adults?

Let's see how scientific advances can help in solving such problems.

In pedagogy it is customary to highlight four types of parenting: dictatorship, overprotection, non-interference and cooperation. Each of them has its own results and consequences when it comes to the formation of a child’s personality.

Diktat -

This is the systematic suppression by some family members (mainly adults or older children imitating them) of the initiative and self-esteem of other family members. The result of parents' commitment to such pedagogical tactics most often is the development of a strong reaction of resistance in the child, if he is inclined to lead by character. Or the result of such an educational process is increased anxiety, suspiciousness, a tendency to fear and self-doubt, if the seeds of dictate lie on the soil of the child’s vulnerable, unstable personality.

Overprotection -

This is a system of relationships in a family in which parents, while ensuring through their work that all the child’s needs are met, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon himself. The result in this case is easily predictable - an emotionally immature, capricious, self-centered, demanding personality is formed, unadapted to life. On the other hand, overprotection can contribute to the development of hypochondriacal tendencies. Twitched since childhood excessive care, the child himself begins to feel powerless in any situation that requires him to act or make a decision. It also happens the other way around: approaching adolescence, a child feels the need to get rid of excessive care, which ultimately leads to rebellion, vivid manifestations of emancipation and protest behavior.

Non-interference -

This is a system of relationships in the family, built on the recognition of the expediency of the independent existence of adults and children. The child is left to his own devices. Parents who rely on this style of education believe that it promotes the development of independence, responsibility, and the accumulation of experience. When making mistakes, the child is forced to analyze and correct them himself. But this method carries the risk of developing emotional alienation in the baby, including from parents. Not cared for in childhood, not receiving the necessary share of parental care, such a child feels too lonely, distrustful, and often overly suspicious. It is difficult for him to entrust any business to other people. He tries to do everything himself.

Cooperation -

This is a way of building relationships in a family, the main principle of which is unification by common goals and objectives, joint activities, mutual support in all areas, including emotional ones. The starting point of education in this case is the word “we”. The child has enough independence, but there is always an adult nearby, ready to help in time, support, explain, calm. Members of such families are united by common values, family traditions, spontaneous holidays, emotional need for each other, joint activities.

“Collaboration” is recognized as the most effective type of education for all big amount psychologists and teachers. But in practice, families usually face different styles parenting, creating tension and adversely affecting the child's development. Why is this happening?

What are the causes of parental disagreements?

There can be many reasons for disagreements in raising a child in a family. First of all, this may be due to differences in the educational experience of parents, assimilation by them in their own childhood: some parents completely copy the model of education that was adopted in their family. Others, on the contrary, disagree with the parental upbringing measures that were applied to them in childhood, trying to find a different way in relation to their own child and go beyond the framework of the upbringing tradition accepted in their family. Very often parents who were under a lot of pressure in childhood act in this way. Trying to compensate for their own suffering, they allow their children too much, so the children of such parents know neither prohibitions nor restrictions, which often leads to the development of irresponsibility and selfishness.

Another serious obstacle to choosing the optimal parenting style can be differences in the characters of parents. While the pedantic father, who pays attention to little things and is prone to anger, demands unquestioning obedience and immediate execution of orders, the mother, who is softer in character, on the contrary, indulges all the weaknesses and whims of the child.

This state of affairs angers my father even more and gets worse. Why? The father, observing the plot between the mother and the child, feels unnecessary. By the way, as a rule, behind the mask of such a “despot” is hidden a vulnerable nature with low self-esteem, which requires attention and understanding no less than a child. The roots of such adult behavior go back to the desire to protect their children from their own mistakes and difficult experiences.

Having suffered humiliation, ridicule and failures in childhood, parents want to see their children as strong, unbending individuals and therefore raise them in “Spartan” conditions. Not taught to love in childhood, without reliable support, they do not understand that becoming a strong personality is possible only when there is a feeling that people close to you understand and approve of you.

Consequences of disagreements for a child?

Disagreements in raising a child often signal the presence of disharmonious relationships between family members. In this case, he finds himself hostage to parental conflicts. As a result, it is the baby who gets the most unsightly role: he is forced to choose how to behave in an initially contradictory situation, and to choose between his mother and father, whom he loves equally.

One of the most important needs of a child is to be loved and good in the eyes of people close to him. How often do children ask this question: “Am I good?” or proudly state: “I am a good boy!” This is very important for them, and often children’s behavior is motivated by precisely this need. What should a child do who wants to be good for both his beloved mother and his beloved father, and now his grandparents are armed with their own pedagogical principles? It is difficult for a child not only to choose a course of action, but also to choose in general between the adults he loves.

For him, this is an almost impossible choice, and he is forced to be cunning and adapt to everyone depending on their expectations. So, from infancy, parents force the baby to comprehend the subtle art of manipulation. It is difficult for a child brought up in a contradictory environment to develop his own moral guidelines, principles and beliefs, which does not at all contribute to the harmonious and holistic development of the individual.

Against the background of such disagreement in the family, the baby may begin to develop various kinds of neurotic manifestations - enuresis, etc. A child can be simply scared when his parents quarrel over his upbringing. Often, accusations like “look, look, this is all your upbringing” are expressed by parents directly in front of the child. He may think that he himself is to blame for their quarrel, and, feeling guilty, he is doomed to classify himself as “bad” and begin to behave even worse.

How and where to find a way out?

What should parents do to avoid bringing their own child to a similar state?

Firstly, rather than waging useless bloody wars while defending your parenting style, it is more advisable to turn to a specialist, fortunately, psychological services today are no longer exotic and the help of a family psychotherapist in modern world available to every family.

Secondly, it is imperative to reconsider your attitude to the problem of education. This is not as difficult as it seems at first glance, because in fact, every parent carries with him a unique, invaluable experience of upbringing. Intuitively, parents feel what their baby needs and how to help him grow. But before trying these methods out on your child, you just need to coordinate them with each other.

Sometimes, behind arguments and their own excessive adherence to principles, a family forgets about the in a simple way Conflict resolution is to get together at a large table and just talk calmly. Give everyone the opportunity to express their opinion without interrupting and listening carefully to each other. Let each family member tell what he wants to see, and how he is going to help him with this.

Let everyone listen to themselves, and then share with others - aren’t ideas about the future fate of a child a desire to change their own life? If this is the case, find the strength to recognize that the child is a separate person who has the right to his own path, and is not a means of correcting the mistakes of his parents. Discuss with each other the difficulties you faced in childhood, help each other change your attitude towards them, and then you won’t have to burden your baby with your problems. During these conversations, it is useful to discuss books on psychology and parenting, articles from magazines, and try to apply new knowledge to your family - all together, so that new parenting models come from a joint discussion, and not from a quiet individual decision.

Here are a few basic rules that parents should not break if what is more important to them is not their own principles, but the interests of the child.
1. Never sort things out in front of your child.
2. Do not make statements in front of your children that could undermine the authority of your other half in his eyes: “You are a bad father, it’s because of you...”
3. Accusatory phrases addressed to a spouse: “These are the fruits of your upbringing” - can cause a feeling of guilt in the child and contribute to the development of low self-esteem, so it is better to refuse them.
4. If you are very irritated, postpone educational discussions if possible, talk about your feelings and, in privacy, try to calm down. All negotiations, all decisions must be made only in a balanced state.
5. One general line of education is better than several effective, but contradictory ones.
6. The negotiating table is the best way to understand each other and develop a common line of education.
7. Pedagogical educational program - books and magazines on pedagogy and psychology - can be a good help when discussing educational methods.
8. Don’t be afraid to turn to specialists if problems arise in your family. Many years of experience and the objective view of a family psychotherapist will help you find an unexpected way out of situations that seem dead-end.
9. Remember that the key to effectively raising a child is love for him, interest in him and agreement between all family members.

Let's imagine the situation. Everything was mixed up. The child stands in the middle of the apartment and roars loudly. Mom, in despair, tries to patiently explain that doing this is not good. Grandma surreptitiously thrusts the candy, and dad, without really delving into what happened, knitted his eyebrows and took hold of the belt. The educational process is hopelessly out of control. The kid is confused. The spot that was spanked hurts, the candy softens the offense a little, and it’s not at all clear what mom was talking about for so long. Recognizable? What should parents do: how to find a reasonable compromise among different educational principles, achieve results and not harm their own child?

Which line of education should I choose?

The problems of raising children in a family are an eternal, but still unresolved topic. This question occupies the minds of scientists - teachers, psychologists, causing controversy and disagreement. Everyday battles escalate into scientific conferences. Strictness or softness? Authoritarianism or connivance? There is no shortage of supporters of this or that type of education.

And children continue to be at a loss - how to behave in order to be good in the eyes of their parents, and what to expect next from these incomprehensible adults?

Let's see how scientific advances can help in solving such problems.

In pedagogy, it is customary to distinguish four types of parenting: dictate, overprotection, non-interference and cooperation. Each of them has its own results and consequences when it comes to the formation of a child’s personality.

Diktat- this is the systematic suppression by some family members (mainly adults or older children imitating them) of the initiative and self-esteem of other family members. The result of parents' commitment to such pedagogical tactics most often is the development of a strong reaction of resistance in the child, if he is inclined to lead by character. Or the result of such an educational process is increased anxiety, suspiciousness, a tendency to fear and self-doubt, if the seeds of dictate lie on the soil of the child’s vulnerable, unstable personality.

Overprotection- this is a system of relations in the family in which parents, while ensuring through their work that all the child’s needs are met, protect him from any worries, efforts and difficulties, taking them upon himself. The result in this case is easily predictable - an emotionally immature, capricious, self-centered, demanding personality is formed, unadapted to life. On the other hand, overprotection can contribute to the development of hypochondriacal tendencies. Overwhelmed by excessive care since childhood, the child himself begins to feel powerless in any situation that requires him to act or make a decision. It also happens the other way around: approaching adolescence, a child feels the need to get rid of excessive care, which ultimately leads to rebellion, vivid manifestations of emancipation and protest behavior.

Non-interference- this is a system of relationships in the family, built on the recognition of the expediency of the independent existence of adults and children. The child is left to his own devices. Parents who rely on this style of education believe that it promotes the development of independence, responsibility, and the accumulation of experience. When making mistakes, the child is forced to analyze and correct them himself. But this method carries the risk of developing emotional alienation in the baby, including from parents. Not cared for in childhood, not receiving the necessary share of parental care, such a child feels too distrustful, often overly suspicious. It is difficult for him to entrust any business to other people. He tries to do everything himself.

Cooperation- this is a way of building relationships in a family, the main principle of which is unification by common goals and objectives, joint activities, mutual support in all areas, including emotional ones. The starting point of education in this case is the word “we”. The child has enough independence, but there is always an adult nearby, ready to help in time, support, explain, calm. Members of such families are united by common values, family traditions, spontaneous holidays, emotional need for each other, and joint activities.

“Collaboration” is recognized as the most effective type of education by an increasing number of psychologists and teachers. But in practice, families tend to clash between different parenting styles, creating tension and adversely affecting the child's development. Why is this happening?

What are the causes of parental disagreements?

Why is this situation dangerous? It can be resolved in two ways: either lead to an increase in the level of anxiety in the child due to constant tense anticipation and uncertainty - whether he will be punished for this act or praised, or to the development of cunning and a tendency to manipulate: the child can learn to play on this disagreement between mother and father . So, every time after clashes with his father, he can come to his mother in tears and with complaints and beg her for gifts, sweets and simply signs of attention as a consolation prize. The mother, agreeing in this situation that “dad is bad,” thereby undermines the authority of the father in the eyes of the child. This state of affairs angers the father even more, and the intra-family conflict worsens. Why? The father, observing the plot between the mother and the child, feels unnecessary. By the way, as a rule, behind the mask of such a “despot” is hidden a vulnerable nature with low self-esteem, which requires attention and understanding no less than a child. The roots of such adult behavior go back to the desire to protect their children from their own mistakes and difficult experiences. Having suffered humiliation, ridicule and failures in childhood, parents want to see their children as strong, unbending individuals and therefore raise them in “Spartan” conditions. Not taught to love in childhood, without reliable support, they do not understand that becoming a strong personality is possible only when there is a feeling that people close to you understand and approve of you.

Consequences of disagreements for a child?

One of the most important needs of a child is to be loved and good in the eyes of people close to him. How often do children ask this question: “Am I good?” or they state proudly: “I am a good boy!” This is very important for them, and often children’s behavior is motivated by precisely this need. What should a child do who wants to be good for both his beloved mother and his beloved father, and now his grandparents are armed with their own pedagogical principles? It is difficult for a child not only to choose a course of action, but also to choose in general between the adults he loves. For him, this is an almost impossible choice, and he is forced to be cunning and adapt to everyone depending on their expectations. So, from infancy, parents force the baby to comprehend the subtle art of manipulation. It is difficult for a child brought up in a contradictory environment to develop his own moral guidelines, principles and beliefs, which does not at all contribute to the harmonious and holistic development of the individual.

Against the background of such disagreement in the family, the baby may begin to experience various kinds of neurotic manifestations - fears, enuresis, outbursts of aggression. A child can be simply scared when his parents quarrel over his upbringing. Often, accusations like “look, look at this, this is all your upbringing” are expressed by parents directly in front of the child. He may think that he himself is to blame for their quarrel, and, feeling guilty, he is doomed to classify himself as “bad” and begin to behave even worse.

How and where to find a way out?

What should parents do to avoid bringing their own child to a similar state?

Firstly, rather than waging useless bloody wars while defending your parenting style, it is more advisable to turn to a specialist, since psychological services today are no longer exotic and the help of a family psychotherapist in the modern world is available to every family.

Sometimes, behind arguments and their own excessive adherence to principles, a family forgets about the simplest way to resolve conflicts - to gather together at a large table and just talk calmly. Give everyone the opportunity to express their opinion without interrupting and listening carefully to each other. Let each family member tell how he wants to see the future of his child, and how he is going to help him with this. Let everyone listen to themselves, and then share with others - aren’t ideas about the future fate of a child a desire to change their own life? If this is the case, find the strength to recognize that the child is a separate person who has the right to his own path, and is not a means of correcting the mistakes of his parents. Discuss with each other the difficulties you faced in childhood, help each other change your attitude towards them, and then you won’t have to burden your baby with your problems. During these conversations, it is useful to discuss books on psychology and parenting, articles from magazines, and try to apply new knowledge to your family - all together, so that new parenting models come from a joint discussion, and not from a quiet individual decision.

Here are a few basic rules that parents should not break if what is more important to them is not their own principles, but the interests of the child.

Never sort things out in front of your child.
Do not make statements in front of your children that could undermine the authority of your other half in his eyes: “You are a bad father, it’s because of you...”
Accusatory phrases addressed to a spouse: “These are the fruits of your upbringing” - can cause a feeling of guilt in a child and contribute to the development of low self-esteem, so it is better to refuse them.
If you are very irritated, put off educational discussions if possible, talk about your feelings and, in privacy, try to calm down. All negotiations, all decisions must be made only in a balanced state.
One general line of education is better than several effective but contradictory ones.
The negotiating table is the best way to understand each other and develop a common line of education.
Pedagogical educational program - books and magazines on pedagogy and psychology - can be a good help when discussing educational methods.
Don't be afraid to turn to specialists if problems arise in your family. Many years of experience and the objective view of a family psychotherapist will help you find an unexpected way out of situations that seem dead-end.
Remember that the key to effectively raising a child is love for him, interest in him and agreement between all family members.

How to neutralize the educational fervor of grandmothers?

Often grandmothers are the provocateurs of disagreements in the family. Memories of their parental role are perceived by them in a somewhat idealized way, which pushes them to criticize their children - young parents. On the other hand, it can be quite difficult for them to adapt to modern trends - intensive early education of children, it is difficult to navigate their games and interests, and to accept that a child falls asleep with an electronic puppy “Poochie”, and not with a traditional plush hare. Of course, you need to listen to the opinions of grandmothers. The ardent love of grandmothers for their grandchildren and the warm feelings that it evokes then sweeps through the heart throughout life. But mom and dad should still play the main role in upbringing. It is parents who are responsible for comprehensive and harmonious development. On their shoulders lies concern for the mental, physical, aesthetic and moral education child.

If it seems to you that the grandmother’s position is categorically contrary to your pedagogical attitude, if you see that after communicating with her the child is capricious, does not obey, it is difficult to “collect” him or calm him down, then her actions are ineffective and run counter to the parental education strategy , therefore they are more likely to harm the child than to help. In this case, it is better to reduce the influence of the grandmother on the child as much as possible. But this must be done delicately and thoughtfully. What methods can be suggested here?

Firstly, you can refer to the fact that you now have less work, and you can devote more time to the child, but you want to take care of your grandmother, because it is quite possible that you will soon need her help.

Secondly, in a critical case, when the family conflict over upbringing has gone far, a direct, open conversation is necessary, but this is an extreme measure that is best avoided if possible.

In any case, try not to involve a third party as a judge, for example one of your relatives, otherwise disagreements will grow like a snowball, and it will be much more difficult to understand their intricacies. It is better to analyze in which areas the grandmother really successfully deals with the child, without conflicting with the parents’ views on upbringing, and entrust her with this front, and take on other nuances or entrust it to someone else.

Remember that only together, through common efforts, can you develop the most optimal parenting style little man. The characters of family members can be as different as desired, but they should be united by a common idea - love for children, trust and respect for human dignity, caring attitude towards the fragile world of childhood.