Why do we beat our beloved children? Early learning of foreign languages. You can sign up for a consultation using this link

Below is a very good and topical (judging by mom’s forums and playgrounds) article by Anna Demidova.

It is very important to understand why we hit our children. After all, deep down in their souls, all parents feel that hitting is bad. Why then is it still possible for us?

Now I understand everything. I won’t do it again!”? Do we really believe that no one dreamed of escaping this punishment, this pain and humiliation? Remember how many tears were shed into the pillow, how much anger rose in the child’s heart from injustice and its irreversibility. Of course, this can be survived. And many survived. But why let your child experience what you once feared most? I walked home with a two in my diary and... I was afraid.

What if he doesn’t understand otherwise? This is a very common question and very worrying. In an attempt to explain something important to our child, we parents seem to be ready to do anything. Our despair at failure to forcefully solve problems in communicating with a child is ready to push us to madness. Tell us that a child will understand better in the electric chair, and in despair and with tears we will put him there and believe that, really, he will understand better this way.

Or not? Or is there something that will stop us? I myself have often wondered this question. Am I ready to admit that my child really doesn't understand me right now? Am I ready to accept what he doesn't understand? Accept, don’t push and leave it as it is without judging it? Do I understand that my child is still good, even if he doesn’t hear me on an important (by the way, important to me) issue?

I began to remember myself as a child, how my understanding worked, how moments came in which I suddenly realized what my parents or teachers had been explaining to me for quite a long time. Any understanding does not come immediately, but as we are ready for it. Often what is said in other words brings new meaning, which was so lacking in order to fully understand it before. At the same time, adults themselves perceive the experience of others, from which it is customary to encourage children to learn, to be much worse than their own.

We worry that a child will get hurt if he takes a knife, will die if he leans too far out of the window, will get into trouble if he is not careful on the road. We are afraid of this and instill instructions in the child - a guide to action, completely not noticing that he is not ready on his own wavelength and does not want to hear it in such a volume. We take the belt in desperation and fear.

But in fact, in our anxiety we forget about ourselves and our role - that We, parents, are those people who should be next to our child all the time until he learns everything he needs to know about safety, the world around him, while he is just learning, trying to learn, and is completely defenseless. Everything will work out much more successfully if the mother herself makes sure that the knife is in a place inaccessible to the child, and the acquaintance with the knife takes place under the mother’s supervision and at an age when the child is ready to learn to use it and understand that the knife cannot be a toy. It’s the same with the road, and with the window, and with a whole list of other situations in which we try to solve the problem by suggestion and then by beating.

At the same time, beating does not guarantee a deeper understanding of the child about what can and cannot be done. Beating is just an act of physical punishment, a reason for further shame, fear, resentment, even hatred. But no understanding of the essence of things.

If we are talking about older children, then, of course, they will understand why they were punished, although the reasons for such cruelty will clearly not be clear to them. It turns out that the child will receive his own negative negative experience, which will tell him what is not allowed, what is bad, why they beat him. Negative experiences do not show the child what is good, what is possible and necessary, what is positive, where and how one can apply one’s imagination, knowledge, and skills.

Such an experience, on the contrary, limits the child’s personality development and slows down his energy for aspirations. It is often important to show the child the direction of his movement, and not to put a prohibitory sign - don’t go here. Here it is important to redirect his attention, to find words, joint activities, interests, and not to prohibit with a terrible belt what cannot be done. Perhaps you need to be patient, you need to feel that the child is not able to understand something today, notice his individuality, figure out why he does not understand what seems obvious. Perhaps we are mistaken about the obviousness of these questions for him. Perhaps we do not find the words that he is ready to understand. Perhaps the child requires a more detailed story, and not just “don’t touch, don’t hit, don’t tear.”

This requires our parental work - the work of a loving mentor, but not an inquisitor. Or perhaps we take our difficulties, failures, and experiences out on him. In any case, a detailed conversation with the child about our feelings towards him, about the situation, about our true desires will help. It's unlikely that we want to beat the child, but rather we want to show him how much we are concerned about his behavior. It would be more honest to say this directly. Tell me in detail, as honestly as possible. A child will understand us much better than any adult. He will appreciate the trust that we place in him with such a conversation very highly and will remember it for a long time.

I don't have enough patience. Terrible reason. It’s scary because it allows you to justify almost any action of an adult. But, unfortunately, it does not answer the main question: why? Why don't you have enough patience for your child?

A child is the meaning of my life. This is the biggest and most important thing I have. Why then do I not have enough patience for him, for his upbringing? Why do you have enough patience for the stupidities and mistakes of other people? It turns out that the child, his life, his interests are not my priority. Am I deceiving myself and others when I talk about how dear and dear they are to me? So, is there something more important in my life that I will always have patience for?

It was difficult to admit this to myself. Finding double standards and deceit in yourself is difficult and painful. But these findings allow us to move forward in understanding and change. They honestly show reality and do not give the opportunity to make mistakes.

As for patience, here I found many ways to help myself: from a global understanding of the meaning of my life, analysis of the true state of affairs in the family, in my own soul, to sometimes the most everyday recipe. Once upon a time, I redistributed my time and found time for my personal relaxation. I realized that 15 minutes in the bathroom in the evening is also relaxation - time to collect your thoughts, remember the day, what worked and what didn’t, reconsider difficult situations, try to change your attitude towards them, time to make plans for tomorrow.

I also began to pay attention to the time that I devote to children.

I spend the whole day with the children, we have working grandparents, we live separately, my husband comes home from work after eight in the evening, and, of course, I’m really tired with three kids alone. At some point, I caught myself paying little attention to them. I go with them to different classes, we really have very varied and interesting leisure time. I take them for long walks on the playground. I cook, feed, read. I sculpt, I draw. How can it be that I pay little attention to my children? I've been looking for an answer to this question for some time. And I realized that everything I do is an excellent addition to the main thing. And the main thing is personal communication, without any specific goal, just because you want to be together.

These are the moments when mom sat on the sofa, the children clung to her, and she strokes them, kisses them, fusses with them, talks to them about what interests them now. At these moments you can tell your mother that you really want a doll. And it’s expensive to trust her that you understand that you have a lot of toys and often receive gifts, but you still want that doll that’s in the pink bath. At these moments you can talk about a boy in the pool who is tall and has black hair. Maybe about the girl drawing and about the fact that the teacher was wearing a funny skirt today and all the boys were laughing. This is the time for stupid children's conversations, when I suddenly realize that I found myself in a whimsical children's world, they accepted me here as one of their own, equally dividing their children's secrets, experiences and scraps for dolls. And there can be no greater happiness than stroking your child’s hair while he crawls all over me, trying to get comfortable and push his brother off! This is life... real, beautiful, bright... Only ours and our children.

The question of why completely normal parents (not drug addicts, not alcoholics) beat their children and bully them has many answers. Look below in the sad list - perhaps something concerns you personally, and you are able to change it.

Reasons why parents hit their children

Tradition

Many parents take the Russian proverb “Teach a child while he lies across the bench and stretches out lengthwise - it’s too late to teach.” To teach means to flog. Perhaps people are confused by the mention of a child lying on a bench. How can you teach someone lying on a bench? On his butt, on his ass!

Indeed, in Russia, flogging occupied an honorable place in the education system - birch porridge (rods) was fed to children in peasant families, merchant families, and noble families. Often not even for a specific offense, but for preventive purposes. Let's say that in the house of some merchant Erepenin, their sons were flogged on Fridays - throughout the whole week, there would probably be something for it.

In fact, the meaning of this proverb is that you need to raise a child while he is small. When he grows up, it will be too late, that is, it will be useless, to educate him. But the choice of methods of education is the responsibility of the parent.

Until now, many parents do not understand how they can avoid beating their children. Not to beat means to spoil (also folk “wisdom”). So they beat without hesitation, often without even malice, but only wanting to fulfill their parental duty. They also hang the belt on a nail as a reminder of retribution for pranks.

By the way, flogging children for educational purposes was accepted not only in Russia, but also in enlightened Europe. But this practice was condemned long ago, and in general, it’s the 21st century. It's time to use new technologies!

Heredity

They beat me, and I beat my children. A very common reason is that violence begets violence. Such people take out their resentment against their parents on their children. Or they simply don’t imagine that it is possible otherwise. When you tell them that you can’t beat a child, they answer: “They beat us, and that’s okay, we grew up no worse than others, and maybe better. None of us are drug addicts, not a thief.”

Therefore, take pity on your future grandchildren today - do not beat your offspring so mercilessly.

Poor vocabulary

Many parents grab the belt like a life preserver. Their vocabulary is so poor, their thoughts are so short, so short that they don’t cling to each other - the gears in the brain don’t turn, the thought process stalls. Where can we explain to children why they can’t do this? It's easier to give a belt.

Sometimes a person himself admits (at least in his heart) that in order to talk with a child he lacks some basic knowledge and simple thinking skills. Then he needs to make an effort on himself and engage in self-education. Well, at least consult with colleagues who have children of the same age, read magazines for parents. You'll see that your vocabulary will be enriched and it will become easier to talk with children. If the parent is completely stupid and at the same time angry, he will continue to beat him.

Feeling of insignificance

Sometimes your own child is the only person who, roughly speaking, can be punched in the face. For example, a man of about forty is a coward by nature, and at the same time a terrible bore and pedant. There are not enough stars in the sky, he has not made a career, but for some reason he is convinced that life is unfair to him. At work, he despises his boss, but does not dare tell him about it, and is forced to silently obey. He is incompetent in bed with his wife, after every failure he gets angry with her and sulks for two days. I don’t get along well with my colleagues either, I have no friends. No one is afraid of him, no one respects him. And here is a ten-year-old son - he didn’t wash his cup after himself, and he didn’t put his slippers in the hallway exactly parallel. The father swings - he sees fear in his son’s eyes, and hits with pleasure. And then, with the same pleasure, he listens to the babble: “Daddy, daddy, I won’t do it anymore...” The son is in his power - how can he not take advantage? After all, he has no other power besides his father’s, but he wants to have it - unreasonable ambitions stifle him.

In such a situation, it is best if the child’s mother finds the courage to reason with her husband. Since he is a coward, he can be intimidated by publicity (if you touch the child again, I’ll tell all your relatives and call you at work), divorce. The mother must show her strength and actively stand up for the child. After all, the reasons for beating for this type of father are usually petty and even ridiculous. If you give such a dad free rein, he will turn from a bore into a domestic tyrant. Then at least run from home.

Sexual dissatisfaction

There are people who cannot achieve sexual satisfaction in the “usual way”. For example, some married couples must quarrel before intimacy in order to later experience the sweetness of reconciliation and make the sensations more acute. They especially love to organize this circus in public. Let's say they come to visit friends - at first everything is fine. By the end of the evening, they sit in different corners, first they squabble, then she dances with someone else’s husband, he nervously smokes, drinks too much, and goes outside. He's gone for half an hour - she's calm, even happy. An hour later he begins to get nervous and asks his friends to “bring back Seryoga.” Then everything goes according to the long-known scenario. The friends, swearing and grumbling, catch a taxi and go to the station, where Seryoga sits in the waiting room - waiting for them (although he says that he is going to leave wherever his eyes look, as long as he is away from his wife). They try to persuade him, then they simply force him into the car and bring him to his wife. She is all in tears, throws herself on her husband’s neck, and the friends in the same taxi send the happy lovebirds home - to their bed as quickly as possible. And so every time they gather in company. Everyone laughs at them, everyone is tired of them, but that’s the kind of carrot love they have.

It is much worse if a child turns out to be the “pathogen”. For example, a mother is itching in the morning, she finds a reason, yells at her seven-year-old daughter, starts hitting her, and this gets her going. When he reaches the desired condition, he stops hitting. After this, he immediately sits the girl on his lap and presses her to her chest. She simply experiences sensual pleasure when she hugs and takes pity on her beaten daughter.

Such parents certainly need the help of a specialist. Only they don’t want to address this issue until they completely kill the child.

What result do you want?

Sometimes parents beat their children, so to speak, formally, without passion. There are no parental complexes behind this, the only goal is to force them to obey or punish for an offense. The blows are not strong and do not cause physical harm to the child. And the child is not offended by dad or mom, because he knows that he got it for the job.

Did you know that children can experience pleasure from hitting? A lot has been written about this in the specialized literature. For example, the French philosopher Jean-Jacques Rousseau admitted to such feelings in his Confessions. The governess spanked him, placing him on her lap and pulling down his panties. The touch of a palm to a naked body gave an 8-year-old child pleasure. No wonder children and lovers go! - play punishment, spanking each other (you did something wrong, I will punish you). Hitting the buttocks (with a palm, a belt, a towel) can quite arouse sensual pleasure in children, irritating the sciatic nerves. As a result, you and the child you are spanking form a sadomasochistic couple. Is this what you wanted when you started corporal punishment?

One more word of caution. If you are in the habit of handing out spankings and slaps on the back of the head to children under the heat of the moment, be very careful. First, remove the rings from your hands. If you hit him on the head with a massive wedding ring, you can make the child cross-eyed. Secondly, watch where the child is - you can push awkwardly and hit a corner or a sharp object. Third, try not to hit at all. Have a conscience: you and your child are in different weight categories. He is defenseless in front of you. Killing children by negligence is a very real thing.

Moral violence

Sometimes children answer the question: “Do your parents beat you?” They answer: “It would be better if they beat me.”

What can you do to a child to make him respond like that? Alas, sometimes moral violence is more dangerous for a child than physical violence. The guilty child is insulted in every possible way, forced to ask for forgiveness from his parents for a long time and humiliatingly, to write some explanations and oaths on a piece of paper. Someone doesn’t talk to a child because of a trifle, until the unfortunate child begs: “I’m sorry!” Some parents make you bow at their feet and kiss their hand. Someone strips me naked and makes me stand like that in the middle of the room, with my hands at my sides. In general, people’s imagination works, it’s pure creativity.

In any case, physical impact is always moral violence, and moral bullying can cause harm to the physical and mental health of a child.

Is it possible to do without punishment at all in the educational process? I think no. The main thing here is not to turn punishment into violence against the child’s personality. Let's talk about this in the next article.

It is very important to understand why we hit our children. After all, deep down in their souls, all parents feel that hitting is bad. Why then is it still possible for us?

They beat me too. This is scary. The generation of beaten children has endured, grown up, and now considers their childhood pain as a possible argument to justify their own cruelty to the child. My heart aches, but I still ask: “You were beaten. And what - did you really like it? Really, even if it was for the sake of it, at least one beaten child after the beating confidently declares to his mother or father: “You did the right thing! I deserve it. Got it for the job. Now I understand everything. I won’t do it again!”? Do we really believe that no one dreamed of escaping this punishment, this pain and humiliation? Remember how many tears were shed into the pillow, how much anger rose in the child’s heart from injustice and its irreversibility. Of course, this can be survived. And many survived. But why let your child experience what you once feared most? I walked home with a two in my diary and... I was afraid.

But in fact, in our anxiety we forget about ourselves and our role - what We, parents, are those people who should be next to our child all the time until he learns everything he needs to know about safety, the world around him, while he is just learning, trying to learn, and is completely defenseless. Everything will work out much more successfully if the mother herself makes sure that the knife is in a place inaccessible to the child, and the acquaintance with the knife takes place under the mother’s supervision and at an age when the child is ready to learn to use it and understand that the knife cannot be a toy. It’s the same with the road, and with the window, and with a whole list of other situations in which we try to solve the problem by suggestion and then by beating.

As for patience, here I found many ways to help myself: from a global understanding of the meaning of my life, analysis of the true state of affairs in the family, in my own soul, to sometimes the most everyday recipe. Once upon a time, I redistributed my time and found time for my personal relaxation. I realized that 15 minutes in the bathroom in the evening is also relaxation - time to collect my thoughts, remember the day, what worked and what didn’t, reconsider difficult situations, try to change my attitude towards them, time to make plans for tomorrow.

I also began to pay attention to the time that I devote to children.

We think that only dysfunctional parents who have addictions or mental problems can abuse their children. Normal parents, ordinary moms and dads, don’t beat, they educate. At least, it is rare that any adult is ready to admit out loud that he beats his child for a bad grade or an unwashed grade, that he gives a slap in the face because he got him, screams in anger. No, all this is done for good purposes, because he doesn’t understand it any other way.

Physical punishment is a tradition that dates back centuries. Perhaps that is why we do not see the main problem - the violence of the strong against the weak. Children are dependent on their parents in everything, who, instead of being adults, take the position of a victim: “I do this because I have to, you don’t understand, you don’t want to do as I say.” But a victim who has the power and authority to punish. By spanking, parents show that they do not know how to solve problems and find a common language with the child and at the same time show their weakness. They really can't because they are too weak to change themselves.

Psychologist Marina Baidyuk identified 5 reasons why parents continue to beat their children, even knowing that they are doing something wrong. Adults do not always understand the reasons that motivate them. If you figure out what really worries the parent, you can avoid violence in parenting.

Why do parents hit their children?

Cases of domestic violence against children are quite common. Children are subject to beatings not only in dysfunctional families, but also in quite intelligent ones, where the parents are successful, accomplished people who enjoy authority among colleagues and respect from management.

And at home they turn into tyrants, whose victims are the weakest in the family - children.

At the same time, not every parent is ready to admit that he beats his child. Most of them will vehemently deny it and even condemn it.

So why do parents, realizing that assault is the wrong method of education, continue to beat their children?

Causes of child abuse

As a psychologist, I would highlight several of the most common reasons why parents beat their children.

The desire to assert oneself. Every person needs to feel successful in at least some area - at work, at home, with friends, in their hobbies. He needs recognition of his merits by other people.

But what to do if he has not achieved anything in life: he has no friends, there are not enough stars in the sky at work, his character is such that his wife simply tolerates him? So such a parent finds an opportunity to raise his own self-esteem by hitting a defenseless child. “He won’t be able to fight back, which means I’m stronger, superior to him, have power over him.”

Such a person must be stopped immediately, otherwise he will finally believe in his impunity and become a domestic tyrant not only for children, but also for his wife, other relatives, and neighbors. This will definitely not end well.

The tradition of education that has developed in the family. In some families, it is customary to raise children using old-fashioned methods - using a belt. This is how their father and mother were taught life by their parents, and those by the previous generation. “Why come up with something new if these methods give their effect? We were beaten, and we grew up as human beings,” such people think.

But they forget that the world is becoming more and more civilized every year. And barbaric methods of education can be no less effectively replaced by others: a heart-to-heart conversation with the child, explaining to him your position and the benefits of doing the right thing, encouragement. And, most importantly, respectful attitude and communication as equals, and not from a position of strength.

Powerlessness and a feeling of one's own helplessness in trying to influence the child. Yes, I agree, with some children it can be difficult to resist slapping them on the head.

But if you cannot come to an amicable agreement with your child, then there will be no benefit from using force either. Therefore, the only way out is to look for an approach and those soul strings, the influence of which can have a positive effect. It's difficult, but being a parent is not an easy task at all.

Sincere conviction that this method can instill in a child the correct manners, the desire to learn, and to obey his parents. It’s a pity to disappoint such people, but there will be no benefit from such upbringing.

You will only embitter your own son or daughter, make them fear you, but not respect you. Moreover, by using brute force, you raise a child into a complex person, unsure of himself, afraid not only to express, but even to have his own opinion.

This can leave a negative imprint on his entire life, depriving him of happiness and the possibility of self-realization.

Sexual dissatisfaction. It often happens that parents transfer failures in their personal lives onto their children simply because this is the easiest way to vent their anger and frustration.

The man has breakdowns in bed, and instead of seeing a doctor, he grabs his belt at the slightest fault of his son.

A woman suffers from a lack of intimacy with her husband and, in irritation, can severely punish a child for an insufficiently high grade or a mistake made in a dictation.

How to do without violence?

Is it possible to do without assault in raising children? I am convinced that yes. In no case do I call for abandoning punishment of a child for wrongdoing in principle. It is necessary and must correspond to the degree of the offense.

But I am sure that a much more severe punishment is not beatings, but moral influence.

First, understand the problem and help your child solve it. For example, he doesn't want to study. Talk to him first. Maybe his classmates are offending him, or the teacher is nagging him for no reason. In this case, act like an older comrade: sign up the child for wrestling so that he learns to defend himself, transfer him to another class or even school, help him find a field of activity where he will feel like an individual. Agree, these methods are much more effective than hitting the butt with a belt.
Learn to see individuals in your children. They are not your property, but people just like you, and have the same right to mistakes and human weaknesses. You don’t beat yourself up if you’re too lazy to do some housework or if you drank an extra bottle of beer. Therefore, if you think that your children are not assiduous or diligent enough in their studies, do not help around the house well, are rude and do not obey, then remember that you yourself are not ideal, and help them become better. Try to find activities for them that they like and channel their energy into a peaceful direction. It could be sports, handicrafts, creativity, books, any hobby. Sincerely rejoice at your child’s successes, be proud of him, encourage his hobbies. And he will grow up to be your true friend, grateful and sincerely loving his parents.
Look for more humane and effective parenting methods. Believe me, a heart-to-heart conversation, your sincere experience of a child’s bad deed will upset him much more than receiving a beating. Other methods can also be used. Your son finished the school year poorly, and you promised him a trip to the sea? Give up vacation with the whole family, let your son feel that it is his fault that not only he, but also you, were left without rest. Was your daughter rude to the teacher? Invite her to imagine you or your grandmother in the place of the teacher. How would she react if someone said to you what she said to another person? And go with her to the teacher to apologize.
And the most important rule is to learn to restrain your own emotions. Is your child being rude and disobeying? Try to calm down and not make hasty decisions. To do this, you can lock yourself in the bathroom, look at the water pouring from the tap, and place your palms under it. When the anger passes, go out and talk to the child, explain what he was wrong about and how his behavior offended you. Did your son bring a deuce? Act outside the box: instead of the screaming and punching he is used to, laugh with him. Agree, a bad grade is not the worst thing in life; in the end, it can be corrected.

But regaining the child’s trust will be very difficult.