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Four steps to help you cope with loss.

“When parents lose a son or daughter who is not yet out of the bloom of youth, or a loving husband loses his wife, or a wife loses her husband in the prime of life, all the philosophies and religions in the world, whether they promise immortality or not, cannot eliminate the impact of this cruel tragedy on loved ones..."

Lamont Corliss

It is difficult to disagree with the philosopher’s thought expressed in the epigraph that nothing will eliminate the heavy impact of such a tragedy as the loss of a loved one. But a person who is experiencing such a strong shock can be helped.

Psychologist J. William Warden identified four main tasks that a bereaved person must complete in order to return to a fulfilling life:

1. Acknowledge the loss
2. Experience the pain of loss
3. Reorganize your life and environment
4. Build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue living

Unlike the stages of grief that were previously identified, the formulation of these tasks emphasizes the active and responsible, rather than passive and helpless, role of the griever. Grief is not something that happens to us on its own, changing its phases. We are accustomed to treating negative feelings as unnecessary ballast that we need to get rid of as soon as possible. Experiencing the pain of loss is a necessary part of the path that leads to acceptance. And this is, first of all, the internal work of the grieving person himself.

This does not mean that the griever should cope with the loss by relying solely on their own strength. The presence of people who are ready to support the grieving person and share his grief, as well as his help to others in their grief, significantly softens the experience of loss.

1. Acknowledge the loss

How to come to terms with the death of a loved one? To cope with a loss, you need to acknowledge that it happened. At first, a person automatically tries to establish contact with the deceased - he “sees” him among people in the crowd, mechanically tries to get through to him, buys his favorite products in the supermarket...

In the usual scenario, this behavior is naturally replaced by actions that deny the contrived connection with the deceased. A person who commits actions similar to those noted above normally stops short and thinks: “Why am I doing this, because he (she) is no longer there.”

Despite all the apparent strangeness, such behavior is normal in the first weeks after loss. If the irrational hope for the return of the deceased becomes persistent, this is a sign that the person himself cannot cope with grief.

Give yourself time to come to terms with the loss.

2. Experience the pain of loss

How to accept the death of a loved one? It is necessary to experience difficult feelings so as not to carry this burden throughout your life. If you don’t immediately experience the pain, later returning to these experiences will be more difficult and painful. Delayed grief is further complicated by the fact that later it will be more difficult for the grieving person to receive the sympathy and support of others, which he can count on immediately after the loss.

Sometimes, despite all the unbearability of pain and suffering, the grieving person clings to them (usually unconsciously), as the last connection with the deceased and the opportunity to express his love to him. The following distorting logic works here: to stop suffering means to resign yourself, to resign yourself means to forget, to forget means to betray. Such an irrational understanding of love for the deceased does not allow one to accept the loss.

Completing this task is often hindered by the reactions of other people. When faced with the negative feelings and severe pain of the mourner, those around them may experience tension, which they try to reduce by providing assistance that is not always correct:

• switch attention (“get yourself together, think about the children”, “you must take care of your mother”)
• they try to immediately occupy the grieving people with something to distract them from their worries
• forbidden to talk about the deceased (“don’t disturb him, he’s already in heaven”)
• devalue the uniqueness of what happened (“we’ll all be there,” “you’re not the first and you’re not the last”)

Allow yourself to feel pain and loss, give free rein to tears. Avoid people who make it difficult for you to process your loss.

3. Reorganize life and environment

Together with a loved one, a person loses a certain way of life. The deceased took on responsibilities, helped in everyday life, and expected certain behavior from us. Life needs to be rebuilt to fill the void. To do this, it is important for the grieving person to learn to do what the deceased did for him, to receive this help from others, and perhaps to continue his work, if he likes it.

How to cope with the death of a loved one if you were connected in the most intimate way? If the deceased did everything around the house, choose the best option - hire someone to clean or learn the simplest steps yourself. If you have lost your spouse and mother of your children, take charge of organizing a comfortable family life, ask relatives to help, or hire a nanny. Likewise, mothers who lose a spouse can, for example, learn to drive and take their husband’s place behind the wheel in order to take their children to school and classes.

It may sound cynical, but sometimes there are benefits to losing a loved one. For example, a girl dependent on her mother said: “Mom died, and I began to live. She didn’t allow me to become an adult, and now I can build my life the way I want. I like it". An adult finally began to take control of his life. Agree that not all “adults” can boast of this.

It is good if the freed time is occupied with satisfying the true needs of the grieving person, filling his life with joy and meaning. This could be new or forgotten hobbies, communication with loved ones or friends who have moved away due to loss, searching for oneself and one’s place in a new life.

It is important to rebuild your life and your everyday life in such a way as to minimize the feeling of emptiness that has arisen.

4. Build a new attitude towards the deceased and continue to live

A new attitude towards the deceased does not imply his oblivion, it determines a place for him, occupying which he will leave enough space for others. This is reflected in an illustration of William Worden's thought when he describes a letter from a girl who lost her father and wrote to her mother from college: “There are other people to love. This doesn't mean I love my father any less."

Previous relationships can be very valuable, but they should not interfere with new ones. How to help survive the death of a loved one: build a new attitude - a person must realize that the death of a loved one does not contradict love for another man or another woman, that you can honor the memory of a friend, but at the same time be friends with new people.

Separately, it is worth mentioning the death of a child. Often parents rush into the decision to give birth to a new child, without having time to fully experience and accept the loss of the previous one. Such a decision is not so much a movement towards a new life as a denial of the irreversibility of the loss of the old one (unresolved first task). They unconsciously want to give birth to a dead child again, to return everything to the way it was. But only after experiencing the loss completely, mourning the deceased and leveling up your emotional attitude towards his death, is it worth thinking about a new child. Otherwise, the parents will not be able to build a genuine relationship with him and will unconsciously try on him the idealized image of the deceased. It is clear that this comparison will not be in favor of the living.

Experiencing a loss does not mean forgetting the deceased.

When to ask for help

When stuck in performing any of the described tasks, when it is impossible to come to terms with the loss and learn new experiences, the work of grief can take on a pathological character. It is necessary to distinguish between the normal functioning of grief and the manifestations of clinical depression, which requires medical intervention and psychological help (on average, every fifth griever is affected by it). Symptoms of serious depression that require help include:

• continuous thoughts about the hopelessness of the current situation, despair
• obsessive thoughts about suicide or death
• denial or distortion of the fact of loss
• uncontrollable or excessive crying
• inhibited physical reactions and responses
• extreme weight loss
• persistent inability to perform basic daily tasks

The painfulness of symptoms is determined not so much by their content as by their duration, severity and consequences: how much they interfere with a person’s life and contribute to the development of concomitant diseases. Therefore, it is sometimes difficult for a non-specialist to distinguish the normal course of grief from its pathological form. If you have any suspicions, do not put off visiting a psychologist or psychotherapist.

Remember

1. It takes time to get over loss.
2. Allow yourself to feel pain and loss, do not try to suppress them. Give free rein to your tears. Try to be aware of all your feelings and thoughts and share them with those who sympathize with you.
3. It is important to rebuild your life and your everyday life in such a way as to minimize the feeling of emptiness that has arisen.
4. Accepting loss and creating new relationships is not betrayal. But refusal to continue to live and love, on the contrary, can be regarded as a betrayal of oneself, which would hardly be supported by a deceased loved one.
5. Only the full experience of the loss of a child can create favorable conditions for the birth of a new one.
6. You are able to move on with your life. Even if you don't agree with it now, you are still capable. You will not remain the same, but you will be able to continue living and even be happy.
7. If you feel that your own strength and the support of others are not enough, do not put off visiting a specialist.

Grief is the internal experience of loss and the thoughts and feelings associated with it. Specialist in social psychiatry Erich Lindemann dedicated an entire work to this emotional state, calling it “acute grief.”

Psychologist lists 6 signs or symptoms of acute grief:

1. Physical suffering - constant sighs, complaints of loss of strength and exhaustion, lack of appetite;
2. Change in consciousness - a slight feeling of unreality, a feeling of increasing emotional distance separating the grieving person from other people, absorption in the image of the deceased;
3. Feelings of guilt - a search in the events preceding the death of a loved one for evidence that he did not do everything he could for the deceased; accusing yourself of inattention, exaggerating the significance of your slightest mistakes;
4. Hostile reactions - loss of warmth in relationships with people, irritation, anger and even aggression towards them, the desire not to bother them;
5. Loss of behavior patterns - haste, restlessness, aimless movements, constant search for some activity and inability to organize it, loss of interest in anything;
6. The appearance of the deceased’s features in the grieving person, especially the symptoms of his last illness or behavior - this symptom is already on the border of a pathological reaction.

The experience of grief is individual, but at the same time it has its own phases. Of course, the duration and their sequence may vary.

1. Shock and numbness

"Can't be!" - this is the first reaction to the news of the death of a loved one. The characteristic condition can last from a few seconds to several weeks, on average it lasts 9 days. A person experiences a feeling of unreality of what is happening, mental numbness, insensitivity, physiological and behavioral disorders. If the loss is too overwhelming or sudden, the subsequent state of shock and denial of what happened sometimes takes on paradoxical forms, causing others to doubt the person’s mental health. This does not mean insanity, it’s just that the human psyche is not able to bear the blow and for some time seeks to isolate itself from the terrible reality by creating an illusory world. At this stage, the grieving person can look for the deceased in the crowd, talk to him, “hear” his steps, put extra cutlery on the table... The deceased’s belongings and room can be kept intact in case of “return”.

What and how can you help a person in the shock phase?

Talking and comforting him is completely useless. He still doesn’t hear you, and in response to all attempts to console him, he will only say that he feels fine. At such moments, it would be good to constantly be nearby, not leaving the person alone for a second, not letting him out of the field of attention, so as not to miss the acute reactive state. At the same time, you don’t have to talk to him, you can just silently be there.

Sometimes tactile contacts alone are enough to bring a person out of severe shock. Movements such as stroking the head are especially good. At this moment, many people feel small, defenseless, they want to cry, as they cried in childhood. If you manage to induce tears, it means the person is moving into the next phase.

It is necessary to evoke any strong feelings in a person - they can bring him out of shock. Obviously, it is not easy to awaken a state of great joy, but anger is also suitable here.

2. Anger and resentment

They can last from several days to 2-3 weeks. After the fact of loss begins to be recognized, the absence of a loved one is felt more and more acutely. A person experiencing grief again and again in his mind scrolls through the circumstances of his death and the events that preceded it. The more he thinks about it, the more questions he has. It is difficult for a person to come to terms with loss. He tries to comprehend what happened, to find the reasons for it, asking himself a lot of different “whys”: “Why him?”, “Why (why) did such a misfortune befall us?”, “Why didn’t you keep him at home?”, “ Why didn’t you insist to go to the hospital?”... Anger and accusation can be directed at fate, God, and people. The reaction of anger can also be directed at the deceased himself: for abandoning and causing suffering; for not writing a will; left behind a bunch of problems, including financial ones; for making a mistake and not being able to avoid death. All these negative emotions are quite natural for a person experiencing grief. It’s just a reaction to one’s own helplessness in a given situation.

3. Stage of guilt and obsession

A person suffering from remorse over the fact that he was unfair to the deceased or did not prevent his death may convince himself that if only it were possible to turn back time and return everything back, then he would certainly behave in the same way. to another. At the same time, the imagination can repeatedly play out how everything would have been then. Those experiencing loss often torment themselves with numerous “if onlys,” which sometimes acquire an obsessive character: “If only I had known...”, “If only I had stayed...” This is also a completely common reaction to loss. We can say that here acceptance fights denial. Almost everyone who has lost a loved one, in one form or another, feels guilt towards the deceased for not preventing his death; for not doing something for the deceased: not caring enough, not appreciating, not helping, not talking about his love, not asking for forgiveness, etc.

4. Stage of suffering and depression

Duration from 4 to 7 weeks. Just because suffering is in fourth place in the sequence of stages of grief does not mean that at first it is not there and then it suddenly appears. The point is that at a certain stage suffering reaches its peak and overshadows all other experiences. This is a period of maximum mental pain, which sometimes seems unbearable. The death of a loved one leaves a deep wound in a person’s heart and causes severe torment, felt even on the physical level. The suffering that a person experiences is not constant, but usually comes in waves. Tears may well up at any memory of the deceased, about the past life together and the circumstances of his death. The reason for tears can also be a feeling of loneliness, abandonment and self-pity. At the same time, longing for the deceased does not necessarily manifest itself in crying; suffering can be driven deep inside and find expression in depression. Although suffering can sometimes become unbearable, those grieving may cling to it (usually unconsciously) as an opportunity to maintain a connection with the deceased and testify to their love for him. The internal logic in this case is something like this: to stop grieving means to calm down, to calm down means to forget, to forget means to betray.

How can you alleviate the suffering of a grieving person?

If during the first phase you should constantly be with the grieving person, then here you can and should let the person be alone if he wants it. But if he has a desire to talk, you must always be at his disposal, listen and support.

If a person cries, it is not at all necessary to console him. What is "consolation"? This is an attempt to stop him from crying. We have an unconditional reflex to other people's tears: seeing them, we are ready to do everything so that the person calms down and stops crying. And tears provide the opportunity for strong emotional release.

You can unobtrusively introduce a person to socially useful activities: give them work, start loading them with household chores. This gives him the opportunity to escape from his main worries.

And, of course, the person needs to constantly demonstrate that you understand his loss, but treat him like an ordinary person, without making him any concessions.

5. Acceptance and reorganization stage

Can last from 40 days to 1-15 years. No matter how difficult and prolonged the grief, in the end a person, as a rule, comes to emotional acceptance of the loss, which is accompanied by a weakening or transformation of the spiritual connection with the deceased. At the same time, the connection between times is restored: if before that the grieving person lived mostly in the past and did not want (was not ready) to accept the changes that had taken place in his life, now he gradually regains the ability to fully live in the reality around him and look to the future with hope. A person restores temporarily lost social connections and makes new ones. Interest in meaningful activities returns, new points of application of one’s strengths and abilities open up. Having accepted life without a deceased loved one, a person gains the ability to plan his own future destiny without him. Thus, a reorganization of life occurs.

Basic Help at this stage is to facilitate this turning towards the future, to help make all kinds of plans.

How the process of experiencing loss proceeds, how intense and lasting the sadness will be, depends on many factors.

The significance of the deceased and the characteristics of the relationship with him. This is one of the most significant points that determine the nature of grief. The closer the person who passed away was and the more complex, confusing, and conflictual the relationship with him was, the more difficult the loss is experienced. The abundance and importance of something not done for the deceased and, as a consequence, the incompleteness of the relationship with him, especially aggravate the mental torment.

Circumstances of death. A stronger blow is usually delivered by an unexpected, severe (painful, prolonged) and/or violent death.

Age of the deceased. The death of an elderly person is usually perceived as a more or less natural, logical event. On the contrary, it can be more difficult to come to terms with the passing of a young person or child.

Experience of loss. Past deaths of loved ones are connected by invisible threads with each new loss. However, the nature of their influence in the present depends on how a person dealt with it in the past.

Personal characteristics of the grieving person. Each person is unique, and his individuality, of course, is manifested in grief. Of the many psychological qualities, it is worth highlighting how a person relates to death. His reaction to loss depends on this. As he writes J. Rainwater, “the main thing that prolongs grief is the very tenacious illusion inherent in people of guaranteed security of existence.”

Social connections. The presence of people nearby who are ready to hold and share grief greatly facilitates the experience of loss.

Often loved ones, in their desire to support, only make things worse. So what? You should not say when communicating with grieving people:

Untimely statements that do not take into account current circumstances or the psychological state of the bereaved person.
Inappropriate statements generated by a misunderstanding of grief or a desire to drown it out: “Well, you’re still young, and,” “Don’t cry - she/he wouldn’t like it,” etc.
Projective statements that transfer one’s own ideas, feelings or desires onto another person. Among the various types of projections, two stand out in particular:
a) projection of one’s experience, for example, in the words: “Your feelings are so clear to me.” In fact, any loss is individual, and no one is given the opportunity to fully understand the suffering and severity of the loss of Another.
c) projection of their desires - when sympathizers say: “You need to continue your life, you need to go out more often, you need to end mourning” - they are simply expressing their own needs.
In addition, we should separately highlight the most frequently used clichés, which, as it seems to others, alleviate the suffering of the grieving person, but in fact prevent him from properly experiencing grief: “You should have dealt with this by now,” “You need to keep yourself busy with something,” “Time heals all wounds”, “Be strong”, “You shouldn’t give in to tears.” All these verbal attitudes drive grief underground.

At the very beginning, I would like to say that in our modern society a healthy and adequate attitude towards human death has not been developed. Perhaps they talk about it if an elderly person dies. There is death that happens to middle-aged people, they talk about it less often and more quietly. And, of course, when grief overtakes a small child, they are often silent about it. What is this connected with?

First, every person has a fear regarding his own death. This phenomenon is uncontrollable, causing a lot of feelings, anxiety and worries. Therefore, sometimes it is easier for a person to close himself off from the topic of death than to think or talk about it. Magical thinking can work here: if I don’t come into contact with this, it won’t happen to me or my loved ones.

Secondly, in our culture there is no specific mechanism for how to behave if someone close to us dies. There are funerals, wakes, memorial days. People cry, eat and drink on them. And often we are faced with a problem when we don’t know what to say or how to behave in the event of a tragedy among our friends. The usual phrase is: “Please accept our condolences.”

Thirdly, those in whose family grief has occurred do not always understand how to behave with people. Should I talk about my troubles, and who should I tell? People can choose two courses of action. One of them is to close yourself off, withdraw into yourself, and experience grief alone. The second is to ignore feelings and transfer everything to the level of intellect: here there may be explanations that the deceased is now in the next world, that he feels good, that everything happened for a reason.

Sometimes it happens that a person does not can survive grief and gets stuck in German These are called "complicated loss symptoms" and they come in several forms:

1. Chronic grief. A person cannot accept that a loved one is no longer there. Even years later, the reaction to memories can be very acute. Let’s say a woman cannot get married again if she lost her husband even more than a few years ago; his photos are everywhere. A person does not go out into real life, he lives in memories.
2. Exaggerated grief. In this situation, a person can increase the feeling of guilt, exaggerate it. This can happen when losing a child: a woman strongly blames herself and, accordingly, becomes emotionally strongly attached to death.
3. Masked or suppressed grief. A person does not show his experiences, he does not feel them. Typically, such suppression results in psychosomatic illnesses, including headaches.
4. Unexpected grief. As they say, when nothing foreshadowed trouble. The suddenness of the death of a loved one provokes the impossibility of acceptance, aggravates self-recrimination, and aggravates depression.
5. Postponed grief. It is as if the person is postponing going through the stages of loss for a while, turning off or blocking his feelings. This does not mean that he coped with the situation.
6. Absent grief. The person denies the loss and is in a state of shock.

In fact, psychologists have long described healthy stages of coping with loss or acute grief. Each person has their own duration and intensity. Someone may get stuck at one of the stages or go in circles. But in any case, knowing the stages of grief can help you truly grieve for a person you will never see again. There are two classifications in describing what happens to a person who has experienced loss. I suggest considering both.

First classification

1. Denial. It is difficult for a person to believe what happened. It's like he's in denial about what happened. Usually the stage is accompanied by the following phrases: “This can’t be”, “I don’t believe it”, “He’s still breathing.” A person may try to feel the pulse himself; it seems to him that doctors may be mistaken. And even if he has already seen the deceased, there may be a feeling inside as if death had not happened.

What to do: There used to be a good tradition when a deceased person was at home for 3 days - this helped to understand what had happened. Now those who say goodbye come up to the coffin and kiss the deceased on the forehead - this is a very important action. This is how a person feels that a truly loved one has died. You can put your hand on your forehead, on your body, feel and feel the cold. If you have not seen the body of the deceased, have not seen the funeral, then the denial stage may be delayed. You will understand that the person has died, but at the level of feelings there is a feeling that he is alive. Therefore, it is more difficult to accept death when a loved one is missing or there was no funeral.

2. Anger. A person becomes aggressive. And here everything depends on the causes of death. He can blame doctors, God, fate, circumstances. And also myself, that, let’s say, I did something wrong. He may blame the deceased himself for not being careful or not taking care of his health. Anger can be directed at other relatives. Here you can find the following phrases: “I can’t accept this!”, “It’s unfair!”

What to do: It is important to understand that anger is a normal reaction. A basic emotion that is associated with loss. It's important to react. Be angry, discuss your anger, write it on paper. Share feelings and actions. Yes, you have the right to be angry, it’s very painful right now, the process of experiencing loss goes through its natural stages. All people go through them.

3. Bidding. At this stage, it seems to the person that he could change something in the current situation. It looks something like this: “If I had spent more time with my mother, she could have lived longer.” In the case of the loss of a loved one, a person retreats into his fantasies and tries, as it were, to come to an agreement with God or fate.

What to do: let your mind play out these scenarios for a bit. It is still very difficult for our psyche to accept changes, it is difficult to realize that a loved one will never be around again. The main thing is to stop in time and not join a sect. Remember the cases of fraud with the resurrection of soldiers?

4. Depression. Usually here a person feels unhappy and says: “Everything is pointless.” Depression can come in different forms. It is very important to treat yourself with care and seek help in a timely manner. People complain of bad mood, depression, lack of energy. Because change is inevitable. We will have to build our lives in a new way. The man realized what had happened, got angry, and tried to bargain. Now he understands that nothing really can be changed.

What to do: neither in under no circumstances should you be left alone, be sure to invite friends, relatives, ask them to take care of them, let them stay in yourself, cry a lot, worry. This is fine. Timing is really important now.

5. Acceptance. When a person has actually gone through all the previous stages, there is now a chance that he will accept death. He will come to terms with what happened, agree and begin to build his life in a new way. Of course, he will remember his loved one, cry, be sad, miss, but with less intensity.

What to do: be grateful to yourself for finding the strength to honestly experience grief. Death is an inevitability that we face sooner or later. Yes, we will miss a loved one, but now we look at the situation with adult eyes. It is important to note that the first 4 stages do not guarantee a transition to acceptance and integration of experience. A person can walk in circles or return to one or another stage. Only the stage of acceptance indicates that grief has been experienced.

Second classification

Surely you know that usually a person is buried on the third day after death. Then they gather on the 9th, 40th day, six months and a year. Such dates were not chosen by chance; it is precisely such a time frame that allows us to gradually come to accept the situation.

9 days. Usually a person has not yet can realize up to the end of what happened. There are, most often, two tactics here. Or care in yourself, or excessive activity in funeral preparations. The most important thing in this period is really to say goodbye to deceased. Cry, sob, talk to other people.

40 days. At this stage, the grieving person still cannot accept what happened, cries, and dreams of the deceased.

Six months. The process of acceptance gradually occurs. Grief seems to “roll up”, and this is normal.

Year. There is a gradual acceptance of the situation.

How to help yourself cope with the loss of a loved one

1. Cry. It doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man. It is very important to have a good cry and do it regularly as long as you need it. So that feelings find a way out. If you don’t want to cry, you can watch a sad movie or listen to sad music.
2. Talk to someone. Discuss your grief as much as necessary. Even if you tell the same thing to the tenth person you know, it doesn’t matter, this is how you process the situation.
3. Get busy with your life. It is very important to give yourself the opportunity to grieve, but do not disconnect from life - very gradually, day by day. Clean the table, make soup, go out for a walk, pay the bills. It grounds you and helps you stay grounded.
4. Follow the regime. When you have regular activities, it also helps your psyche to be calmer.
5. Write letters to the deceased. If you have guilt or other strong feelings towards the deceased, write him a letter. You can put it in the mailbox without an address, take it to the grave, or burn it, as you prefer. You can read it to someone. It is important to remember that the person died, and you remained, to take care of your feelings.
6. Contact a specialist. Of course, there are situations when it is difficult to overcome the situation on your own or even with the help of loved ones, and a specialist will help you. Don't be afraid to see a psychologist.
7. Take care of yourself. Life goes on. Don't deny yourself simple joys.
8. Set goals. It is important for you to understand the connection with the future, so start planning. Set your immediate goals and start implementing them.

What to tell the children?

It is very important not to lie to your child. The child has the right to know about the death of a loved one. Psychologists here disagree on whether to take a child to a funeral. Some children may perceive the process of burying in the ground negatively. Therefore, it is important to have an emotionally stable person next to children. If a child's mother or father dies, there must be a farewell procedure.

It is important not to tell your child about the mother who looks from the clouds. This can add anxiety to what is happening. Help your child cry out the pain and get through the situation. Each specific case is unique, so it is better to contact a child psychologist who will help in dealing with the trauma.

How to cope with the death of a loved one?

How to cope with the death of a loved one?
A person has died or died after a long illness - almost always for us this is in some sense a sudden death. This is a crisis.
But a crisis is not a disaster. It is suffering that we must go through in order to grow.
A husband, a father has died, a wife or mother has died, a girlfriend has died, a son has died, a child has died - none of these situations should cause depression or illness. Our loved one, who has passed away, wishes us to maintain courage and strength. And only by preserving ourselves will we be able to help the deceased.

Rakhimova Irina Anatolyevna, psychologist.

When a person experiences the death of a loved one, it is natural that he suffers. Suffering for many reasons. This is also grief for that person, beloved, close, dear, with whom he parted. It happens that self-pity strangles someone who has lost support in a person who has died or passed away. This may be a feeling of guilt due to the fact that a person cannot give him what he would like to give or owes, because he did not consider it necessary to do good and love in his time. Problems arise when we do not let go of a person...

Archimandrite Augustine (Pidanov).

Many people who are grieving are familiar with the desire to contact the soul of a deceased loved one; some expect this communication in a dream. The rector of the Patriarchal Compound, the Church of the Resurrection of Christ on Semenovskaya, Archimandrite Augustine (Pidanov) reflects on the nature of prophetic dreams, whether it is worth crossing the border of the afterlife, and what you need to know, as well as many other things.

Archpriest Igor Gagarin.

There is a commandment: “Thou shalt not make for yourself an idol.” An idol for a person is any value if it is placed higher than God. And these values ​​can be anything - husband, child, work. That is, if a person has a hierarchy of values, God should stand above all else, and then everything else. And then you can survive death. Then you will not lose anyone, because in God everything is preserved. All our relatives and friends, they are lost to an unbeliever, they lie in the grave and that’s it. And for the believer, they are with God.

Often, after the death of a loved one, people almost cease to be interested in everyday events, mentally immerse themselves in the past and live only with memories. We bring to your attention a new conversation by crisis psychologist Mikhail Khasminsky on the most important topic of what to do in order not to drown in the pit of grief and stop living in the past. It is difficult to overestimate the importance and relevance of this material

Gnezdilov Andrey Vladimirovich, Doctor of Medical Sciences.

The death of a loved one always comes suddenly, even if you expect it and prepare for it. Grief is too wide to go around, too high to jump over, and too deep to crawl under; You can only go through grief, says popular wisdom. But how to do that? What do you need to know to deal with it?

Furaeva Svetlana Sergeevna, psychologist.

Shefov Sergey Alexandrovich, psychologist.

Experiencing the death of a loved one is one of the most difficult experiences encountered in a person’s life. The realization that a person has died and cannot be brought back to life causes a reaction of grief. When providing psychological assistance to bereaved victims, knowledge of the patterns of grief experiences helps. On the one hand, grief is a deeply individual, complex process. On the other hand, there are relatively universal stages that it goes through in its course.

Furaeva Svetlana Sergeevna, psychologist.

If you have turned to this article, it means that you or your loved ones have experienced a misfortune in the family - the death of a loved one. If your child, spouse, parent, relative, girlfriend or friend has died, this is always a great grief. The death of a loved one is always a sudden death, even if the person has been seriously ill for a long time. It is impossible to prepare yourself psychologically for this event. Our mind asks questions: “What’s next?”, “How will I live without him (her)?” In this article I will try to tell you about problems that, when solved, will help you answer similar questions.

Khasminsky Mikhail Igorevich, crisis psychologist.

During difficult periods of life, almost all people suffer from an invasion of obsessive thoughts. These terrible, nasty, sticky thoughts cling with particular force to a person who is experiencing the death of a loved one. So what are they?

Baranchikov Alexander Vladimirovich, psychotherapist.

An interview with a psychotherapist about medications that will support a person in grief and help them survive the death of a loved one. And also about the dangers of inept self-medication.

Khasminsky Mikhail Igorevich, crisis psychologist.

Those who do not believe in One God and eternal life, as a rule, experience grief very hard. Truly believing people experience grief much easier.

From the book "The Morning After Loss" by Bob Dates.

When a person has died, grief is the nuclear energy of our emotions. If you understand it, curb it and direct it, it will become a creative force and help you survive death. But if grief gets out of control, if it is distorted and not understood, it can become a destructive force. This is why it is so important to recognize when grief is a healthy process and when it is a distorted one. If you have a cold and are sneezing, you know how to take care of yourself, you don't need a doctor. But if you have caught a cold and developed pneumonia, it is foolish to refuse the help of a professional. The same is true for grief.

Bishop Hermogenes (Dobronravin).

Let's consider the reasons that make us shed tears over the ashes of loved ones, and God will help us find this source for ourselves. So, what do we cry about when we are separated from someone dear to our hearts?

Melancholy settles in her, she withers and is sad. It is impossible to find a remedy that will help the pain subside. Most likely, the loss of a loved one will never be forgotten, only covered by the patina of time. It is important to know how to experience the death of a loved one in the Orthodox way correctly, so that it does not become life-affirming.

Scientific approach

Many people, having lost a loved one, turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist to help them overcome this difficult time in life. And this is completely normal, because often grief becomes an obstacle that not only prevents one from continuing to live normally, but also pushes a person to take dangerous actions.

Mourning in human life

Back in the century before last, psychologist Erich Lindemann identified the symptoms of natural grief, which is normal for every person who has experienced loss. It has several symptoms that can appear one at a time or several at once:

1. Physical - tears, sobs, fainting, heart attacks, etc. In addition, you may feel emptiness in the stomach, chest, general weakness and breathing problems. Often a person becomes indifferent or, conversely, extremely irritable and sensitive.
2. Behavioral - interrupted speech, confusion of speech and consciousness, changes in speech manner. Apathy begins, lack of appetite, self-confidence is lost, the person becomes amorphous.
3. Emotional - anger at what happened is the first to appear, the person begins to look for someone to blame. Later, anger develops into depression, and then a feeling of guilt appears before the deceased.
4. Fear and anxiety about your own future may also appear. If you do not consult a specialist in time, you can allow these “normal” symptoms to turn into destructive ones.

Also, there is a scientifically designated time of grief. Typically, families who have lost a member experience this time, and it is divided into several stages:

1. A day or two is the first stage, which is characterized by shock and denial. Relatives at first do not believe the report of the loss, begin to look for confirmation, suspect deception, literally deny and do not believe what happened. Some people may remain in this stage forever and never accept the loss, they continue to retain things, the environment and the myth that the person is alive.
2. The first week is exhausting for everyone, since funerals and wakes usually take place during this time. The family cannot yet fully comprehend what is happening and often people move and do things purely mechanically.
3. Weeks two to five - family members return to their daily routine. Work, school, and usual activities begin. Now the loss is felt extremely acutely, because there is less support than at the previous stage. Melancholy and anger are acutely manifested.
4. A month or two is the stage of acute grief, the end time of which is different for everyone. It usually takes from 1.5 to 3 months.
5. From 3 months to 1 year - the stage of mourning, which is characterized by a feeling of helplessness and apathy.
6. An anniversary is the last stage, which seems to complete the cycle of grief. It is accompanied by a wake, a trip to the cemetery, ordering a memorial service and other rituals that help remember the deceased and honor his memory.

Important! At each stage, stuckness can occur - the inability and unwillingness to overcome a certain stage. A person continues to live in his grief, does not return to his previous life, but “gets stuck” in grief, which begins to destroy him. It is very important to overcome all these stages, and only God can help with this.

About the afterlife:

The main problem today is the fear of death. People are afraid of dying or losing someone close to them. The ancestors of the modern Orthodox believer were brought up in atheism and do not have a correct concept of death, so many of them cannot cope with grief when it comes.

Advice from the Orthodox Church after the loss of loved ones

For example, a person can constantly sit on the grave of the deceased or even spend the night there; he preserves all things and furnishings as they were during the life of the deceased. This has a destructive effect on the individual and occurs due to the fact that the person does not understand what happened and how to live with it.

This misunderstanding is layered with superstitions and acute problems arise, often of a suicidal nature. Birth, life and death are links in one chain and this fact cannot be ignored.

Important! It is necessary to realize as early as possible that death is inevitable. And only by accepting it will a person be able to cope with the loss and not get neurosis.

It is necessary to remove all superstitions from yourself. Orthodoxy has nothing to do with hanging mirrors or leaving a glass of vodka on the grave of the deceased. These superstitions are invented by people who have been to the temple a couple of times in their lives and try to turn death into a kind of performance in which every action has a sacred meaning. In fact, death has only one meaning - it is the transition from worldly life on Earth to eternity. And it is important to think in advance where a person will spend this eternity in order to reconsider his entire worldly life.

You cannot draw any conclusions and look for the cause of what happened, especially you cannot say such things to those who are grieving. It cannot be said that God took away the child because of the sins of the parents or took away the mother because the child behaved incorrectly. These words can traumatize a person and turn him away from the church forever.

If you lost your mother

Mother is an important person in everyone's life. It is important to understand that for Christians, death is a temporary separation, after which there will be a long-awaited meeting with loved ones. Therefore, when a person’s time comes, he goes to the Heavenly Father and there he will meet his loved ones.

Having lost your mother on this earth, you should remember that she did not disappear, but only moved on to another part of her journey, completing her mission here. And now she will take care of her children from heaven and intercede with God for them.

Advice! The best way to cope with this loss is to spend more time in church and in home prayers. It is necessary to order a commemoration in the liturgy, a memorial service, in order to properly honor the deceased parent, and also to distribute alms so that people will also pray for him.

How to cope with the death of a loved one?

If you lost your husband

The wife left alone experiences all the stages of grief that all mourners go through. However, it is important for her to remember that she is not left alone - her loving Lord is with her and He will help her survive all the difficulties and trials.

You should not despair; you should understand that the Lord does not give beyond your strength and will definitely help you in the trials that He sends.

If there are children left in the family, then the widow must get together and return to normal life for their sake, in order to help them overcome this loss. Usually, the family returns to normal life within one year, so the widow will have to take on the dual role of mom and dad so that their children can overcome the loss and live normally.

How to help a loved one cope with grief

It is very important for a person and the whole family to have someone who will help them overcome all stages of grief and return to normal life, accepting and surviving the loss of a loved one.

Prayers for the departed:

• Prayer to Saint Archangel Michael for deceased relatives

What does it mean to help a family through grief? This, first of all, means going through all these stages of grief with them. As the Apostle Paul said, “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep” (Rom. 12:15).

Each stage of grief has its own symptoms, so it is important to monitor the behavior of the grieving person and prevent him from becoming obsessed or committing dangerous and emotional acts. It is important to help the family or individual find a way to cope with the loss.

In addition, it is important to monitor the person and help him move from the stage of melancholy and grief to sadness and normal life. It is important to ensure that he eats on time, sleeps enough, rests and releases his melancholy. People often forget about themselves in their grief, families begin to collapse due to the constant stress in which they keep themselves.

Important! Helpers should gently guide the grieving from destruction to creation, to God and help them come to terms with the loss.

Archpriest Dmitry Smirnov. How to cope with the death of loved ones