Married for 4 years. Child 2.5 years old. Half a year ago I went back to work, 2 months ago I began to notice signs of attention from the managing director of another block. Everything seems to be fine in the family in terms of relationships, respect, etc. but there were always problems in my intimate life. The husband is very passive in this regard. Recently I was on a business trip with that same manager, we drank a little at dinner and he said that he thinks about me all the time, but stops my marriage, apparently his marriage and children do not have much influence. Until now, constant signs of attention, I allowed myself a kiss, I did not resist. It’s becoming more and more difficult with my husband, he is a very nervous person, I didn’t pay attention before, but now it’s starting to irritate me. I began to get nervous about the child and drink more often. I can’t understand what to do and most importantly with whom?!

Hello Aida!

With whom and how - it’s up to you to decide; there can be no obviously good or bad decisions here. I personally do not support the idea that any marriage should be preserved until the last, I still support getting satisfaction in a relationship. Although children, of course, suffer during a divorce, no one will be able to protect children from all psychological trauma in any way. I just think that unhappy and dissatisfied parents are a worse trauma for a child than divorced parents. But here you need to reflect and explore, because it is not a fact that, having left your husband, you will become happier with this new partner. Sometimes, being unhappy in one relationship, we strive for another, and there we find ourselves even more unhappy, not because the partner is bad, but because there is something wrong with us and we cannot be happy. Therefore, do not rush to decide something, study yourself, try to understand your real feelings and live in these feelings for some time. Only feelings are a reliable indicator of the right choice. All the best, Elena.

In which you can deal with those internal difficulties and expectations that you have.

Learn about elections.

Learn to pay for life's choices.

The “price” is real.

No overpayments.

It’s better to pay for a consultation now than to “pay” for life later, because... life takes much greater tolls.

Choice is the most difficult thing in life.

And the most common.

Come.

G. Idrisov.

Hello Aida.

First of all, don't rush things.

Calmly and thoroughly analyze all the events.

I envy you as a woman, after maternity leave you went to work and immediately amazed the man on the spot.

This tells me that you do not forget yourself - love, decorate, appreciate. And that's great!

They admire you, you inspire, and through this you realize yourself. Now it’s worth finding out what the word family means to you? How do you see her? And what is your role in this family? Is it possible to combine these roles - to remain a muse and a responsible wife?

All the best to you, Anya.

Hello Aida.

One partner cannot meet all our needs. Therefore, we often look for other options to get what is important to us.

You say that your husband is passive in his intimate life, but you cannot yet assess the intimate side of your relationship with your colleague. Perhaps you are pleased with the attention to you as a woman? Is this what you are missing?

You also said that in response to the kiss you did not resist. Was it pleasant for you? How did you feel?

I suggest you stay in the present moment, in reality. You write “apparently his marriage and children do not have much influence,” is this really so? I think it's worth talking to him and clearing things up before trying to make a decision. At this stage, what can and does your colleague want to give you? Sex? Parallel relationships? Something more? What can you buy?

I'm guessing you have something important in your marriage. Think about what is valuable to you in marriage? What can you lose by choosing another man?

Before making any decision, it is important to understand what really stands on the other side of the scale. Between what and what do you choose?

And remember that choice is not always either or. You can choose both options at once. This is also a choice.

And this decision can only be yours.

Best regards, Tamila

Question for a psychologist:

Psychologist Natalya Anatolyevna Grishugina answers the question.

Hello Nika. Reading your letter, I got the impression that you move the clock hands with your fingers to the “correct” time (who needs that?), wouldn’t it be better to repair the clock MECHANISM itself? Let me explain with the example of several quotes from your letter: “I was constantly told that I needed someone else”; “my friends started introducing me to other guys”; “My parents said: “Get married, but you’ll always have time to get a divorce.” But in my heart I was waiting for my ex-boyfriend to not let me do this, for him to do something. But this didn’t happen, he stepped aside and I got married.” I hope you noticed that YOU transferred YOUR responsibility for important decisions in your life (who to love; who to get acquainted with; who to live with) to others, to those who “kept repeating” (and you agreed, I’m not against flexibility and compliance, but in key life decisions, it is better to find agreement with yourself), girlfriends, parents, boyfriend... Therefore, you will be drawn to one or the other, since STABILITY OF OWN positions and ENDURANCE to the reactions of other people are not developed. Without these skills, it is impossible to live YOUR own interesting and prosperous life.. So, where to start “repairing”? Follow these seven simple steps and enjoy the results:

1. Getting to know YOURSELF. Think about how you meet others. Now do the same for yourself. Write down the moments that are important to you.

2. ACCEPTING yourself and your characteristics. Most likely, you will discover something in yourself that you are not happy with. Want to change? Change it. But this will happen only after accepting/recognizing that this (quality/feature) exists. For example, you couldn’t restrain yourself when you heard your mother-in-law’s remarks. Well, you have found out your weak point. Think about how you could react in similar situations next time? Learn to CONTROL YOURSELF so that others, even if they upset you, still cannot get on your nerves.

3. Self-love. It's a verb or a category of action! This is the ABILITY to take care of yourself, realize your plans and dreams. If you love yourself, then you love other people, because you respect their personal characteristics as your own. If you don’t love yourself, then you allow others to hurt and offend you, impose what you don’t want, etc.

4. Reconsidering your life experience. Exercise “I am a book” will help with this. Imagine that you are a book. Think about and answer the following questions:

What title could reflect what is written in you?

What would be on the cover?

What are some chapters called?

Which chapters would you like to throw out?

What chapters would you like to introduce readers to?

How and in what direction do you want to change the content?

5. Development of YOUR responsibility. Think about WHAT is the difference between a responsible person and a person who takes the position of a “victim”? No matter how you answer, the main difference is that a responsible person thinks about HOW TO RESOLVE a difficult situation, a victim person refuses to act personally, passively accepts circumstances or the opinions of others. Now re-read your letter and note for yourself what position in life do you personally occupy? WHAT and HOW specifically could you correct in order to prove yourself as a person responsible for your life?

6. Develop the COURAGE to make YOUR OWN DECISIONS. KNOW exactly WHAT YOU WANT. This way you will set in motion the clock mechanism, which “will itself move the hands to the correct time.” Knowing yourself and your values, and WHAT life you want to live, make CONSCIOUS CHOICES. Are you afraid of making a mistake? Mistakes are part of learning and valuable experience. The one who makes mistakes is the one who does nothing or does not change if the situation requires it.

Hello. I have this situation. I have a friend. We've been communicating for about three years. I have my own personal life, he has his own... Periodically he calls and comes to see me because he wants to see me. Sometimes I call because I miss you. But when we meet, he begins to kiss and hug me, and I, in turn, suffer because I resist in my soul... but my body does not listen... does not obey.

We didn’t have intimacy, I’m trying my best not to let it come to that. For a while it was even for three weeks... we saw each other almost every day, but when I made it clear to him that either we would turn our relationship into an OFFICIAL relationship, or we should just remain friends, he chose the latter.

At the same time, it turned out that we had a very strong quarrel (over a completely different incident) that we didn’t see each other for a whole month. I thought that was it, he would never call again... and I wouldn’t either... I was sure of it. But a month later the call came and he began to ask for a meeting... he apologized and we started talking again... So I realized that he really values ​​​​his friendship with me and does not want to lose it.

At that time I had a boyfriend. And I didn’t let him (friend) kiss me. He didn’t insist... but continued to come to me, and we just talked...

Now I’m alone, and once again a friend comes to see me, and I can’t help but respond to his kisses... I’m drawn to him like a magnet, and I can’t help it... The strangest thing is that I don’t have this with anyone, only with him! Of course, I’m not happy with this kind of relationship... but I don’t know what to do. I know one thing, that like this he comes only to me and no one else, he chooses the status of freedom. But he had girls, and he could call them such, but he’s afraid of me or something...

I know that I am no worse than those he had, but I don’t know the reason for his behavior. I’m already afraid to raise this topic with him again... I don’t know how to behave further... because the further it goes, the worse... I’m afraid to even imagine that once again he will come and simply stay with me... I want this, but I also want it all to be normal, no longer on friendly terms. Well, I think you understand me.

It’s difficult, of course, to explain the whole essence of the situation, but I would like you to advise me on what to do next. How to behave with him. Thanks in advance.

Camilla

First, look carefully at yourself in the mirror,” scientists argue with them. Indeed, scientific experiments increasingly show that within the framework of the concept of “for better or worse,” we usually choose characters who are as similar to ourselves as possible. And especially when it comes to appearance.

According to a 2010 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology, we tend to find people attractive who resemble our parents or ourselves. Moreover, we are talking about an inexplicable attraction that can arise even if you have always liked blue-eyed blondes, and now the “object of desire” is a brown-eyed brunette. “It’s pulling,” - this is how Georgy Ivanovich (aka Goga, aka Gosha) explained his feelings for the main character in the film “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears.” We are now talking about similar sensations, only in real life.

In the study in question, participants were shown photographs of strangers on a slider, each of whom had to be rated on an attractiveness scale. It is important that sometimes, at a random moment in the show, a photograph of a parent of the opposite sex flashed in front of the participant. This made it possible to establish that if a person first saw a photo of his parent and then rated a stranger, the latter always received higher ratings.

At the second stage of the study, volunteers were asked to choose the most attractive person from each pair of proposed options. It is interesting that if in one case it was just a stranger, then in the second it was the face of a stranger combined with the face of a participant using a special program. Analysis of the data showed that people almost always chose the second option - the one where the stranger's facial features were combined with their own.

First of all, researchers believe, this is due to the taboo on incest, which was imposed by our ancestors. On the one hand, these taboos do not allow us to follow, and on the other hand, they push us to fall in love with people who are somehow similar to our parents. But there are, however, other explanations.

Researchers from deCODE Genetics found that marriages between third and fourth cousins ​​in Iceland tend to produce more children and grandchildren than marriages between genetically unrelated people. Scientists believe, writes Science magazine, that it is kinship of such a distance that may be optimal for reproduction, since it provides the best gene pool. And while children of siblings and cousins ​​will obviously have problems, couples who are genetically distant from each other may face simple genetic incompatibility.

“At first glance, such results contradict the “Westermarck effect” (Westermarck desensitization effect - editor's note), which argues that people who grow up together tend not to fall in love with each other or be sexually attracted to each other after reaching puberty. But this effect is consistent with recent findings that the critical factor in desensitization is living together in the absence of physical similarity,” writes Berit Brogaard, a professor at the University of Miami, in her Psychology Today column. ).

In other words, the fact that how much two people in a couple are similar to each other can actually be an important factor in the satisfaction received from the relationship, and also, if you think more generally, happiness in family life. That's why psychologists repeat to us a simple truth over and over again: before you love someone, you need to learn how to love someone.