Pampering and spoiling. What do these concepts have in common? How are they different? Often these concepts are equated: the one who is spoiled is spoiled. But this is not so. Although the explanatory dictionary of the Russian language interprets these words one through the other.

A spoiled child is spoiled by pampering, pampered. And pampering, in turn, is treating someone with excessive attention, indulging all desires and whims. There is not a word about bad manners in the interpretations. Meanwhile, what is usually understood by being spoiled? When people say “spoiled” they often mean bad manners. Indeed, emotional instability, capriciousness, reluctance to listen and hear parents, lack of independence, egocentrism, inability to build relationships with other children - this is not a complete list of “symptoms” of what can be called spoiledness. About such children we say: “He (she) was spoiled.” If we look at this phenomenon more broadly, we can say that spoiled children are children who are not set boundaries of what is permitted. Consequently, it is difficult for such a child to organically fit into the play of his peers, calmly walk past a display case with toys, or listen to the words of his parents - the child does not have the appropriate skills for this.

Thus, the concepts: spoiledness, self-indulgence and bad manners are put on a par. Accordingly, if you give a child a lot of attention (too much), then the child will definitely be spoiled. When building such a chain, a substitution of concepts occurs. What does “excessive attention” mean? What kind of attention is considered excessive?

Answering these questions, parents build their pedagogical tactics, deciding, for example, not to pick up the child unless unnecessary. How can one determine: an unnecessary need or not an unnecessary one? In their desire not to spoil their child, parents can show miracles of ingenuity. For example, if a child is wet and still cannot roll over or crawl away, should he be picked up from the crib? The child can be moved to a dry place, and with this approach you need to pick him up not every time he pees, but only every fourth.

Another big parental dilemma: communicate with the child or should he occupy himself. “If I communicate with my child all the time, I will spoil him with my attention.” Meanwhile, the development of any child occurs only through an adult and with the help of an adult. We all know about Mowgli children. Children who did not hear human speech for the first few years of their lives, who did not have contact with people, subsequently cannot master speech fully or learn full communication. “Tarzan” and “Mowgli” are fairy-tale characters; in life, a child needs feedback from an adult to develop. Before the child says a word, he will hear it from his mother many times, repeat it in his bird language, and enjoy his mother’s admiration for his babble.

A child who receives parental attention on a schedule or in homeopathic doses can equate the different concepts of being the center of attention and being loved.

The key to understanding is the adult’s own irritation, which arises from communicating with the child. It is noteworthy that such a feeling can arise even in such cases when the child seems to behave wonderfully, does even more than his parents expect from him, or if the child behaves well and tries to please everyone.

For example, mom is talking on the phone. The child was minding his own business before his mother started calling. But as soon as the mother picks up the phone, the child begins to show his mother his achievements:

- Mom, look how great it is, I learned how to do push-ups in training today!

- Well done, son!

- Mom, look how great I am at making a bridge!

- Mmmm, yes, son, I see!

- Mom, you didn’t look!

- I’ll show you again, look carefully!

- Mmmm, I see, son, great!

- Go to your room! Can't you see, I'm talking on the phone!

- Go to your room!

In our case, the mother could ask with a sign to come up and hug her hero, who has already learned so much, thereby showing that she is nearby, notices and feels his achievements, and is proud of them. Having been with the mother for a few seconds or minutes, the child would most likely rush off about his business, having received his portion of attention. A parent who is busy with his own affairs can still find time to communicate with his children, and during the week each child should receive his share of attention from him. When children get the attention they want in a positive way, they don't need to seek it in negative ways.

In addition to “spoiledness” and “indulgence,” there is also “minion.” Who is this “darling”? A minion is a person who is pampered and indulged in everything. The figurative meaning of this word is “one who is lucky in everything, lucky.” There is a stable expression, darling of fate, denoting a lucky person.

Darlings are those who bask in parental love, who are enjoyed by those around them, who are desired and loved in any of their manifestations. Darlings often receive gifts, but not because they themselves demand it, but because the giver does it from the bottom of his heart, out of a desire to do something nice. Darlings are those who are allowed a lot, but not because of the connivance or false sense of guilt of the parents, but because the child is conscious and ready to take responsibility for his actions himself. Minions are those whose requests do not go unheeded, but this is not the result of the child being placed on a pedestal by his closest relatives, but indicates that in the family it is customary to be attentive to people, thus, minions learn to build their own relationships with others. Darlings are those who are loved not for their successes, but for their uniqueness, simply because they exist.

How to raise a child who is not spoiled, but a darling? Where is the line between free will and permissiveness, fair demands and dictatorship and suppression of the child’s personality?

When building relationships with people, it is important for a child to feel where his personality ends and the personality of another begins. Therefore, it is important to introduce your child to your desires and interests, which are not limited solely to family interaction.

By giving the child certain boundaries, introducing the concepts of “possible” and “not allowed”, we actually make their life easier. It is important that “no” does not become the most frequently spoken word addressed to the child. Let there be few “don’ts”, but these prohibitions will be unambiguous and unchangeable. The sensitive guidance of an adult benefits the child - he learns to control his emotions, respond adequately to life’s difficulties, his personality is formed in accordance with the principle of reality, and not a fantasy confidence in his own omnipotence, which can develop in the future into delusions of grandeur. Saying “no” to a child is not as difficult as it may seem. If at the same time we make it clear to him that refusal is not a manifestation of dislike, but in this case is simply a necessity, the child agrees with this without much resistance.

Sometimes it happens that ideas about how to properly communicate with a child interfere with a close, confidential dialogue with the child.

The mother of a three-year-old child came for a consultation with a complaint: the child could not hear a refusal and immediately broke down into hysterics. A typical example was the following situation: a child asks for candy, his mother refuses him, the child throws a tantrum.

Upon detailed analysis of the situation, it turned out that the child was weaned about a year ago, and the diet has not been restored since then: the child eats very little and irregularly, this situation worries the mother very much. Therefore, when a child asks for candy before a meal, the mother, having the firm conviction that sweets before a meal will negatively affect her son’s already ravenous appetite, refuses, putting all her anxiety, anxiety and irritation into the prohibition from the fact that the situation is repeated again and again . The child gets scared and begins to cry; he does not understand where such an emotional outburst comes from in response to an ordinary request, and due to his age he cannot yet ask his mother about this.

In such a situation, only an adult can break the circle of habitual communication due to greater life experience, strength and skills. You can get out of the habitual circle by taking several steps:

1. Pay attention to the fact that some of the interactions lead to failures in communication (the child cries in response to refusal).

2. Answer the question: what do I tell the child with my response? What do I want to tell you? The questions only at first glance seem to duplicate each other; upon careful analysis of your actions and intentions, you can almost always discover discrepancies.

3. Having realized the situation for yourself, express your vision to the child without violent emotional manifestations and assessments.

In the above situation with sweets, the statement addressed to the child took the following form.

Sasha, I can’t give you candy now because I’m worried about your tummy, it seems to me that after candy it will be difficult for you to eat soup. Let's first feed our tummy with soup, and then with candy!

The mother’s surprise knew no bounds when the child, having received such an answer to his question about sweets, nodded and calmly went about his business.

So, what makes a child spoiled is not parental attention, but the lack of timely boundaries. The answer to the question of how to properly communicate with a child so as not to spoil him is simple. Imagine that the child is your best friend, with his own interests and needs. A child - the best friend of his parents - will definitely become the darling of fate.

Who is a spoiled child? This is a little whim who constantly demands attention and immediate fulfillment of his desires.

Not getting what he wants, the spoiled child begins to cry, scream, hysteria, stomp his feet and fall on the floor. This little manipulator grows up thanks to our mistakes in raising a child.

So, let's look at what leads to spoilage and how to re-educate a child, as well as why spoilage interferes in adult life.

Why is a spoiled child bad?

A spoiled child does not feel the limits of his desires. "I want!" - and that's it! He does not accept that the desire may be satisfied a little later or not at all. He needs it now! And not getting what he wants, the child begins to be capricious - scream, cry, in a word, continue to demand.

Because a spoiled child is denied nothing, he rarely learns to be independent. It will be difficult for him in the future, already in adulthood, if he does not get what he wants, and therefore he will complain and wait passively.

In the adult life of a “little child”, no one will praise and constantly admire him, no one will consider him the best, hence the disappointment in life and in others and a complete inability to be independent.

In addition, a spoiled child grows up jealous, inattentive, emotional and greedy.

Parents need to be strict in their upbringing, so that the child feels support in his parents, sees strength of character, so that he is confident that his parents will always explain what is good and what is bad. In the opposite case, when the parents indulge the child’s whims or hesitate, then “yes”, then “no”, he is lost and cannot orient himself in life values, because the authority for him is himself.

Reasons for a child being spoiled

Why do they start pampering the child?

• Firstly, most often they spoil the first child, simply because they do not know how to raise children correctly. It’s usually easier with a second child, and parents have mostly already learned from their mistakes.
• Secondly, long-awaited children are pampered. For some reason, such a child was not born for a long time, and most often, he is the only child in the family.
• Thirdly, parents may spoil the child for reasons that the child should not know the words or “impossible.” Allegedly, children who know that they can get everything they want achieve a lot in life. As a rule, such parents simply go to extremes, and the child subsequently sits on their neck.
• And finally, a spoiled child can grow up in a family where there is no agreement in parenting methods between parents. When, for example, dad prohibits and mom allows, the child begins to manipulate his parents.

Parental mistakes that lead to spoiled children

Here are a few examples of how our parental behavior can lead to a child being spoiled.

The first and most important mistake made by parents is overprotection of the child. When a mother constantly entertains her child, she immediately takes him in her arms when she cries; when the child is not in a good mood, she cheers and entertains him, as long as he does not cry. In a word, the child becomes the central link of the family. To please the child, the mother gives up everything she does.

Unacceptable

Also change your mind. For example, yesterday the child was allowed to play with an electric kettle (of course, it was prudently unplugged from the outlet). And today parents have no time for games, and the child reaches for the kettle. In response he hears “No!” and begins to be indignant. How so? After all, it was possible yesterday!

The child will demand his own if his grandparents allow him with pleasure and in a playful manner what is usually not allowed at home. And if the parents are not firm enough in their decision, then at home the child will achieve his goal with whims and hysterics. It is enough to give in to the child a couple of times, and he begins to feel that his parents can be manipulated.

How to rehabilitate a spoiled child

When starting to deal with a child’s spoilage, keep in mind one exception: children under 6-9 months are not spoiled.

If a child cries, it’s because he wants to eat or something hurts; in any case, a small child cries when he feels bad. Children under 9 months do not yet realize that crying can be manipulated by parents. Therefore, take the baby in your arms, caress and calm him down.

Re-educating a spoiled child requires willpower, firmness and confidence in your decision. Always remember that being spoiled will not bring anything good to your child and will only make it harder for him in the future. So what you do is it's for his own good.

If the child immediately asks to be held, and you are busy with something, tactfully explain to him that you cannot tear yourself away, but as soon as you are free, be sure to pay him attention.

Don't think that a one-year-old child doesn't understand anything. It’s worth putting up with his whims a couple of times, and the next time the child will understand that mom is busy. And two- or three-year-old children will understand even more so, however, the older the children, the more difficult it is to re-educate.

Some children can easily remain alone while their mother is busy. Other children want to at least have their mother in sight. Don't refuse your child. Let him fuss with you in the kitchen, let him see you from the hallway in the bathroom. If you can, talk to your child, tell stories, or sing songs.

It happens that a child does not want to go to bed. It’s already 10, 11 o’clock in the evening, and the child still resists. Here you can do the following: forcefully put him in a crib and do some pleasant procedure at night: reading fairy tales, singing lullabies. After this, turn off the light and leave the child alone. The baby may scream or cry at first. But 15-20 minutes will pass and he will understand that no one is rushing into the room to help him. Gradually the child will calm down and fall asleep.

This may continue for several days, and here it is important to refrain from entering the room and calm him down. It is advisable to always put him to bed at the same time, so that the child knows that, say, at 22-00 it is time to sleep.

In general, if a child begins to clearly act up, stop paying attention to him, or even better, leave him alone. He will understand that his antics do not make the right impression on you. In those situations when you should show firmness of character, do so, otherwise your gentleness will be regarded by the child as permissiveness.

From the moment of birth, children need attention and care. Loving parents try to protect their offspring from adversity and problems. Mom and dad pamper the little one, showing love. Some families do not notice how small concessions to the first-born lead to misunderstandings. A spoiled child is the result of improper upbringing.

Parents make plans for a successful future for their child. New toys are purchased for development. The preschooler goes to the best kindergarten his parents can afford. A prestigious educational institution is selected for training. Sometimes, with the desire to provide their son or daughter with all sorts of new products and prestigious things, mothers and fathers lose their sense of boundaries.

Children need to be pampered, but a sense of proportion must be observed. You can buy a new toy that a foolish person dreams of. An unplanned purchase of a doll or car will show your fidget that you remember and love him. Buying a toy should not be a consequence of screaming, blackmail, or hysterics of a preschooler. Smart parents agree in advance on joint methods of raising their offspring in order to solve the problem of how not to spoil the child.

The external behavior of a spoiled child causes persistent rejection from others. Loud, heart-rending screams, tears, rolling on the floor, calling parents names - this is an incomplete list of the unpleasant behavior of spoiled children. Often parents themselves cannot understand that their offspring is spoiled, and that it is time to take measures to correct the shortcomings of upbringing.

Signs of being spoiled

Small whims and attempts to manipulate significant relatives are quite forgivable for a 3-4 year old child. In early childhood, the baby tries to establish himself as a person, tests the boundaries of possibilities and desires. With the help of tears, he tries to force his mother to make concessions. The firm position of adults, timely explanation of the concepts “impossible” and “no” help the child control his own behavior.

The reluctance of adults to deal with the validity of a boy or girl’s claims, desires, and indulging in any whims leads to spoiling. A capricious person creates problems for relatives and often becomes an outcast among peers in children's institutions.

Children are not inclined to follow the whims of one of their peers. They don’t want to be friends with capricious, hysterical children. Such children are not invited to participate in joint games. They may laugh at capricious children and call them names. Such an attitude towards whims will not contribute to the socialization of a preschooler and the development of his communication skills. On the contrary, he will refuse to go to kindergarten and throw tantrums at home.

Psychologists note several significant signs of preschooler behavior that indicate spoilage.

Even the presence of one of the listed signs is already a serious reason to sound the alarm. The question of how to correct a spoiled child, what to do so that he becomes obedient and well-mannered again, worries many families.

Reasons for children being spoiled

Children are not born spoiled; adults make them that way with their upbringing methods.

It's quite easy to spoil a person. It will take a very long time to re-educate. Fathers and mothers who unnecessarily pamper their children limit their labor participation in family affairs, forgive rudeness and hooligan acts, and form a consumerist attitude towards life and towards the people around them. Growing up, they will experience enormous difficulties in adulthood.

We re-educate the child and parents

The question of how to re-educate a spoiled child must be solved comprehensively together with correction of the behavior of adult family members. It is necessary to begin correcting the preschooler’s behavior as early as possible, as soon as signs of a child’s spoilage are noticed.

The sooner moms and dads begin to fight the whims of the little man, the less damage will be done to his psyche. Do not change behavior abruptly so as not to cause stress in your preschooler. If he asks to immediately turn on the TV or read a story, ask him to wait until you are free. Let the little one get used to the fact that adults do not run at the first request to fulfill his whims.

Being spoiled doesn't go away on its own. You should not expect that a preschooler will understand his wrong behavior and correct himself. Preschool children need the advice of their relatives and their authority. To normalize behavior, adults need to coordinate their efforts and tune in to long, hard work.

A spoiled baby is a real headache for parents. Constantly achieving his goal, he begins to consider himself the main person in the world. If the darling is faced with legal requirements and prohibitions, then the mother will face a loud hysteria. How to re-educate a little egoist? How to understand that your child is too spoiled? Our material contains advice from psychologists for those parents who allow their children too much.

Being spoiled can add many unpleasant moments to an already grown child. In adult life, no one will constantly admire him or solve all his requests with the wave of a magic wand. Hence the collapse of hopes and deep disappointment in the people around him. Let's look at the most striking and distinctive features of childhood spoilage.

Signs of a spoiled child

1. The child categorically refuses to share. Spoiled children are self-centered because they are given everything they want on demand. Toys, sweets, your attention - it’s not surprising that they refuse to share with peers and adults.
2. He often throws tantrums. Spontaneous tantrums are relatively normal in children under three or four years of age. Sometimes this is the only way to express their feelings, but for preschoolers, tantrums are already a means of manipulation.
3. He is extremely dependent on his parents. If your child cannot fall asleep when you are not in the room, or does not want to stay with his grandmother or in kindergarten, then this is already a sign of spoilage. As children grow older, they need to learn to be comfortable with other people.
4. Selective in food. There is nothing wrong with preparing special meals for a child with special dietary needs. But if a healthy baby insists on an individual menu every evening, this may be a sign of spoilage.
5. He is always dissatisfied with everything. The baby grumbles for any reason: he doesn’t like toys, clothes, cooked soup. He quickly gets bored with new cars and going to the park. He immediately demands to buy the thing he saw from another child: “I want the same scooter!”
6. He doesn't help his parents. It is completely normal to help your child put away toys if he is under three years old. But when you continue to put things in order for him further, he becomes convinced that this will always continue.
7. He is rude to adults. The habit of getting what you want leads to the fact that the child begins to treat his parents too consumeristly. Why be polite to those who fulfill all his demands? Disrespect for mom often turns into general rudeness. ( Reading)
8. The child has to be persuaded. A spoiled child does not recognize authorities - parents, grandmothers and educators. Therefore, their demands mean absolutely nothing to him. If you ask a child for something, he begins to be mischievous. And mom can get what she wants only after much persuasion.
9. He manipulates adults. Rude, intrusive, manipulative behavior is typical for capricious children. To achieve his own goal, the child uses all available means: hysterics, tears, different approaches to parents. If mom doesn't buy ice cream, he'll go to grandma's. “Granny, I love you more than anyone in the world,” he will say until she forbids him something.
10. He makes parents blush. The spoiled kid thinks he's the center of the galaxy. To attract attention, he can interrupt adults, shout loudly, throw tantrums in front of a large crowd of people. Inability to behave in public places sometimes becomes a real problem, which, due to permissiveness, is difficult to correct.
11. Not responsible for his actions. Whatever the baby does, his beloved mother, kind father and adoring grandparents immediately “eliminate” any consequences. Hit the neighbor girl? So it's her own fault. In such greenhouse conditions, children grow, but do not mature.
12. Does not perceive the words “no” and “impossible”. It is difficult for spoiled children to understand that they may not get something. Involuntary desires are forgivable for very young children, but it is not typical for 4-6 year olds. A capricious child accompanies any refusal with loud sobs, perceiving it as the end of the world.

Causes of children's spoilage

Babies are not born spoiled; by crying loudly, they signal to their mother about their main needs - mother's attention, food, food, changing a diaper. But if you overprotect the child, constantly entertain him so that he does not cry, then he soon becomes the center of the whole family.

Very often, a capricious child grows up with parents who cannot agree on the basic methods of education. The kid begins to manipulate, command and control adults, seeing such disagreements. When dad forbids it, he goes to his beloved and kind mother. And if she doesn’t allow it, then you can always turn to your grandmother.

Inconsistency in prohibitions is also unacceptable. For example, just yesterday children were allowed to walk through puddles. However, today the answer he hears is a loud “No!” and immediately begins to be indignant.

Many busy mothers and fathers try to compensate for the lack of time to communicate with their baby with the help of gifts and various trinkets. But as the child grows, so do his demands. And then the parents understand - they have spoiled them!

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• Keep calm

Remember that the only way to control the situation is to remain calm. Loud screams will not make your child listen to you. Do not raise your voice, even if the baby throws a tantrum or begins to be rude. Ignore his behavior: “I’ll talk to you later when you’ve calmed down a little.”

• Start re-educating as early as possible

As soon as you begin to understand that the baby is crying and screaming to get the right thing, immediately stop the little manipulator. Do not indulge him by fulfilling any desire in the hope of stopping the hysterics and whining. The golden rule says: “It is easier to prevent a disease than to treat it long and painfully.”

• Be consistent

If today you allow your child to jump on the sofa, and tomorrow you strictly forbid it, your rules have no force. Permissions and prohibitions must be agreed upon with all household members. The reaction of grandparents and parents must be reasonable and unanimous. Stay true to your word: Don't repeat the threat to take away a toy for bad behavior multiple times. Comply with your warning immediately.

• Learn to say "No"

For many adults, giving up their beloved child often becomes a very difficult decision. Therefore, a spoiled child perceives his parents as walking wallets, receiving different gifts every day. Instead of the next (hundredth) car, devote more time to him: read, walk, play together.

• Introduce the concept of “duty” into your child’s vocabulary.

Explain how much and hard mom and dad work: they earn money for food, clothes for the baby, cook for him, clean up after him and do his laundry. Ask him to help around the house, although at first you will have to redo everything for him. The first responsibility of the little darling will be to return the toys scattered by his hands to their place.

Don’t go too far when you start re-educating your spoiled child. He may decide that you have stopped loving him if you previously allowed everything, but now you forbid the same thing. Be sure to explain that you love your baby as before, but you don’t always like his actions. And, of course, take your grandparents as your allies.

Spoiled child. What to do?

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