Official condolences. How briefly, in your own words, to express my sincere condolences. How to express condolences on the death of your husband

Life does not stand still ... Some come into this world, while others leave it. Faced with the fact that someone died in their relatives and friends, people consider it necessary to support the grieving person, to express their condolences and sympathy to him. Condolences - this is not some special ritual, but a responsive, sympathetic attitude to the feelings, misfortune of another, expressed in words - in oral or written form - and actions. What words to choose, how to behave, so as not to offend, not hurt, not cause even more suffering?

The word co-sickness speaks for itself. To put it simply, this is not so much a ritual as “ withlocal disease". Don't let this surprise you. Indeed, grief is actually a disease. This is a very difficult, painful condition of a person, and it is well known that "shared grief is half grief." Condolence usually goes along with empathy ( Co-feeling - feeling together, common feeling) From this it is clear that condolence is sharing grief with a person, an attempt to take on some of his pain. And in a broader sense, condolence is not only words, presence next to the grieving person, but also deeds that are aimed at consoling the grieving person.

Condolences are not only oral, addressed directly to the grieving person, but also written, when a person who, for whatever reason, cannot express it directly, expresses his sympathy in writing.

Also, offering condolences is, in various cases, part of business ethics. Such condolences are expressed by organizations, institutions, firms. Condolences are also used in diplomatic protocol, when it is expressed at the official level in interstate relations.

Oral condolences to the grieving

The most common way to express condolences is verbally. Oral condolences are expressed by relatives, acquaintances, friends, neighbors, colleagues to those who were closer to the deceased by family, friendship and other ties. Oral condolences are expressed at a personal meeting (most often at a funeral, memorial service).

The first and most important condition for expressing oral condolences is that it should not be formal, empty, behind which there is no work of the soul and sincere sympathy. Otherwise, condolence turns into an empty and formal ritual, which not only does not help the grieving person, but also causes him in many cases additional pain. Unfortunately, in our time this is not a rare case. I must say that people in grief subtly feel a lie that at other times they will not even notice. Therefore, it is very important to express your sympathy as sincerely as possible, and not try to speak empty and deceitful words in which there is no warmth.

How to express verbal condolences:

To express condolences, consider the following:

Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Do not try to artificially restrain yourself in showing kind feelings to the grieving person and in expressing warm words to the deceased.
Remember, condolences often go beyond words. If you cannot find suitable words, condolences can be expressed by what your heart tells you. In some cases, touching the grieving person is sufficient. You can (if in this case it is appropriate and ethical) to shake or stroke his hand, hug, or even just cry next to the grieving person. This will also be an expression of sympathy and your grief. Condolences who do not have a close relationship with the family of the deceased or knew little of him during his lifetime can do the same. It is enough for them to shake hands with relatives at the cemetery as a sign of condolences.
It is very important when expressing condolences not only to choose sincere, comforting words, but also to support these words with an offer of all possible help. This is a very important Russian tradition. Compassionate people at all times understood that their words without deeds can turn out to be dead, formal. What are these things? This is a prayer for the deceased and grieving (you can not only pray yourself, but also submit notes to the church), this is an offer of help with the household and the organization of a funeral, this is also feasible material assistance (this does not mean at all that you are “paying off”), as well as many different other types of assistance. Deeds will not only support your words, but also make life easier for the grieving person, and will also allow you to do a good deed.

Therefore, when you say words of condolence, do not hesitate to ask how you can help the grieving person, what you can do for him. This will give your condolences weight and sincerity.

Find the right words to express condolences

Finding the correct, sincere, accurate words of condolences that would reflect your sympathy is also not always easy. How to pick them up? There are rules for this:

People at all times, before saying words of condolence, prayed. This is very important because it is so difficult to find the kind words needed in this situation. And prayer calms us down, draws our attention to God, Whom we ask for the repose of the deceased, for the granting of comfort to his relatives. In prayer, in any case, we find certain sincere words, some of which we can later say in condolences. We highly recommend that you pray before going to express condolences. You can pray anywhere, it will not take much time and effort, it will not cause harm, but it will bring a huge amount of benefit.

In addition, we often have grievances, both against the person to whom we will offer condolences, and against the deceased himself. It is these grievances and understatements that often prevent us from saying words of consolation.

So that this does not interfere with us, it is necessary in prayer to forgive those you are offended at, and then the necessary words will come by themselves.

Before you say words of comfort to a person, it is better to think about your attitude towards the deceased.

In order for the necessary words of condolence to come, it would be nice to remember the life of the deceased, the good that the deceased did for you, remember what he taught you, the joys he brought you during his life. You can remember the history and the most important moments of his life. After that, it will be much easier to find the necessary, sincere words for condolence.

Before expressing sympathy, it is very important to think about how that person (or those people) to whom you are going to express condolences feel now.

Think about their experiences, the degree of their loss, their inner state at the moment, the history of the development of their relationship. If you do this, the necessary words will come by themselves. You just have to say them.

It is important to note that even if the person to whom condolence is addressed had a conflict with the deceased, if they had a difficult relationship, betrayal, then this should not in any way affect your attitude towards the grieving person. You cannot know the degree of remorse (present and future) of this person or people.

Expressing condolences is not only a sharing of grief, but also an obligatory reconciliation. When a person speaks words of sympathy, it is quite appropriate to sincerely briefly ask for forgiveness for what you consider yourself to be guilty before the deceased or the person to whom you offer condolences.

Examples of oral condolences

Here are some examples of oral condolences. We would like to emphasize that these are EXAMPLES. You should not use exclusively ready-made stamps, because the person to whom you bring condolences needs not so much the right words as sympathy, sincerity and honesty.

He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you.
Let us be a consolation that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him.
There are no words to express your sorrow. She meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget…
It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me.
I'm sorry, my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would gladly help you ...
Unfortunately, in this imperfect world, you have to experience this. He was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me any minute.
This tragedy affected everyone who knew it. You, of course, are now the hardest. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together
Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy were my arguments and quarrels with this bright and dear man. Excuse me! I grieve with you.
This is a huge loss. And a terrible tragedy. I pray and will always pray for you and for him.
It is difficult to express in words how much good he did to me. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. I pray for him and grieve with you. I will be happy to help you at any time.

I would like to emphasize that when expressing condolences, one should do without bombast, pretentiousness, and theatricality.

What not to say when expressing condolences

Let's talk about common mistakes made by those who try to somehow support the bereaved, but in fact risk causing him even more severe suffering.

Everything that will be said below applies only to the expression of CONDOLENCE for PEOPLE EXPERIENCING THE MOST ACUTE, SHOCK stage of mourning, which usually begins from the first day and can end on 9-40 days of loss (if mourning proceeds normally). ALL THE TIPS IN THIS ARTICLE ARE GIVEN WITH THE CALCULATION EXACTLY ON SUCH LIGHTING.

As we said, the most important thing is that the condolences are not formal. We must try not to say (not write) insincere, general words. In addition, it is very important that empty, banal, senseless and tactless phrases do not sound when expressing condolences. It is important to note that in trying to comfort a person who has lost a loved one in any way, gross mistakes are made that not only do not comfort, but can also be a source of misunderstanding, aggression, resentment, and disappointment on the part of the grieving person. This happens because a psychologically grieving person experiences, perceives and feels everything differently in the shock stage of grief. That is why it is better not to make mistakes when expressing condolences.

Here are examples of common phrases that, according to experts, are not recommended to speak when expressing condolences to a person who is in the acute phase of grief:

Can't be "consoled" by the future

"Time will pass, still give birth"(If a child died)," You are beautiful, then still get married"(If the husband died), etc. Is a completely tactless statement for the grieving person. He has not yet mourned, has not experienced a real loss. Usually at this time he is not interested in prospects, he experiences the pain of real loss. And he cannot yet see the future that he is being told about. Therefore, such "consolation" from a person who may think that he thus gives hope to a grieving person is actually tactless and terribly stupid.

« Do not Cry, everything will pass "- people who say such words of" sympathy "give completely wrong attitudes to the grieving person. In turn, such attitudes make it impossible for the grieving person to react to his emotions, to hide pain and tears. The grieving person, thanks to these attitudes, may begin (or assert) to think that crying is bad. This can be extremely difficult to affect both the psycho-emotional, somatic state of the bereaved, and the entire experience of the crisis. Usually the words “don't cry, you need to cry less,” say those people who do not understand the feelings of the bereaved. This most often happens because the "sympathizers" themselves are traumatized by the crying of the grieving person, and they, trying to escape from this trauma, give such advice.

Naturally, if a person cries constantly for more than a year, then this is already a reason for contacting a specialist, but if the grieving person expresses his grief several months after the loss, then this is absolutely normal.

"Do not worry, everything will be fine"- another rather empty statement that the condolent presents himself as optimistic and even giving hope to the bereaved. It is necessary to understand that a person who is experiencing grief perceives this statement in a completely different way. He does not yet see the good, he does not strive for it. At the moment, he doesn't really care what will happen next. He has not yet come to terms with the loss, has not mourned it, has not begun to build a new life without a dear person. And for this reason, such empty optimism will irritate him rather than help.

« Bad of course, but time heals“- Another banal phrase that neither the grieving person nor the person who utters it can understand. God can heal the soul, prayer, good deeds, deeds of mercy and charity, but time cannot heal! Over time, a person can adapt, get used to it. In any case, it makes no sense to say this to the grieving person, when time has stopped for him, the pain is still too acute, he is still experiencing a loss, does not make plans for the future, he does not yet believe that something can be changed over time. It seems to him that it will always be so now. That is why such a phrase causes negative feelings towards the speaker.

Here is a metaphor: for example, a child has been hit hard, is in great pain, cries, and he is told, “It's bad that you hit, but let it comfort you that it will heal before the wedding.” Do you think this will calm the child down or cause other, bad feelings towards you?

When expressing condolences, it is impossible to say wishes to the bereaved, which are oriented towards the future. For example, “I wish you to return to work faster,” “I hope that you will soon recover your health,” “I wish you to recover faster after such a tragedy,” and so on. First, these wishes, which are forward-looking, are not condolences. Therefore, they should not be given as such. And secondly, these wishes are oriented towards the future, which, in a state of acute grief, a person still does not see. This means that these phrases will disappear into emptiness at best. But it is possible that the grieving person will perceive this as your call to him to end his grief, which he simply cannot physically do in this phase of grief. This can cause negative reactions from the grieving person.

You cannot find positive elements in the tragedy and devalue the loss

Rationalizing the positive aspects of death, instilling positive conclusions from the loss, devaluing the loss by finding a certain benefit for the deceased, or something good in the loss - often also does not console the grieving person. The bitterness of loss from this does not decrease, the person perceives what happened as a disaster

“It's better for him. He was sick and exhausted " - Such words should be avoided. This can cause rejection and even aggression on the part of the person who is experiencing grief. Even if the grieving person admits the truth of this statement, the pain of loss often does not become easier for him. He still experiences the feeling of loss acutely, painfully. In addition, in some cases it can provoke a grieving person to resent the departed - "You feel good now, you are not suffering, but I feel bad." Such thoughts in the subsequent experience of grieving can be a source of guilt in the grieving person.

Often, when expressing condolences, the following statements are also heard: “It's good at least the mother was not hurt”, “It's hard, but you still have children.” They, too, should not be told to the grieving person. The arguments that are given in such statements, too, are not able to reduce a person's pain from loss. He, of course, understands that everything could be worse, that he did not lose everything, but this cannot comfort him. The mother cannot replace the deceased father, and the second child cannot replace the first.

Every person knows that it is impossible to console a fire victim by the fact that his house burned down, but the car remained. Or the fact that he was diagnosed with diabetes, but at least not in the most terrible form.

"Hold on, because others are even worse than you" (it can be even worse, you are not the only one, how much evil is around - many suffer, here you have a husband, and their children died, etc.) - this is also a fairly common case in which a condolent tries to compare the grieving person with who is even worse ". At the same time, he expects that the grieving person from this comparison will understand that his loss is not the most terrible, which can be even more difficult, and thus the pain from the loss will decrease.

This is not a valid move. You cannot compare the experience of grief with the experience of grief of others. Firstly, for a normal person, if everyone around is bad, then this does not improve, but on the contrary worsens the person's condition. Second, a grieving person cannot compare himself to others. For now, his grief is the most bitter. Therefore, such comparisons are more likely to be harmful than beneficial.

You can't look for the "extreme"

When expressing condolences, one cannot speak and mention that death could have been prevented in any way. For example, "Eh, if we sent him to the doctor", "why did we not pay attention to the symptoms", "if you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened", "if you had listened then", "if we would not let him go, ”and so on.

Such statements (usually incorrect) cause an additional feeling of guilt in a person who is already very worried, which will then have a very bad effect on his psychological state. This is a very common mistake that arises from our usual desire to find the “guilty”, “extreme” in death. In this case, we make ourselves and the person to whom we offer condolences “guilty”.

Another attempt to find the “extreme”, and not express sympathy, are completely inappropriate statements when expressing condolences: “We hope that the police will find the killer, he will be punished”, “this driver should be killed (brought to justice)”, “these terrible doctors should be tried. " These statements (rightly or unjustly) place the blame on someone else, are a condemnation of another. But the appointment of the guilty person, solidarity in unkind feelings towards him, in no way can alleviate the pain of loss. Punishing the culprit for death cannot bring the victim back to life. Moreover, such statements lead the grieving person into a state of strong aggression against the dear person responsible for the death. But grief experts know that a grieving person can turn aggression against a guilty person at any moment on himself, than make himself worse. So you shouldn't utter such phrases, kindling the fire of hatred, condemnation, aggression. It is better to talk only about compassion for the grieving person, or about the attitude towards the deceased.

"God gave - God took" - another often used "consolation", which in fact does not console at all, but simply shifts the "blame" for the death of a person onto God. It must be understood that a person in an acute stage of grief is least of all concerned about the question of who took a person out of his life. Suffering in this acute phase will not become easier because it was taken by God and not by another. But the most dangerous thing is that by proposing in this way to shift the blame onto God, you can cause aggression in a person, not good feelings for God.

And this happens at the moment when the salvation of the grieving person himself, and the soul of the deceased, is precisely the appeal to God in prayer. And it is obvious that in this way additional difficulties arise for this, if you consider God to be “guilty”. Therefore, it is better not to use the stamp “God gave - God took”, “Everything is in God's hands”. The only exception is such condolences addressed to a deeply religious person who understands what humility is, God's providence, who lives a spiritual life. For such people, the mention of this can really be a consolation.

“It happened for his sins”, “you know, he drank a lot”, “unfortunately, he was a drug addict, and they always end up like that” - sometimes people who express condolences try to find the “extreme” and “guilty” even in certain actions, behavior, lifestyle of the deceased himself. Unfortunately, in such cases, the desire to find the culprit begins to prevail over reason and elementary ethics. Needless to say, reminding the grieving person of the shortcomings of the person who died not only does not comfort, but on the contrary makes the loss even more tragic, develops a feeling of guilt in the grieving person, and causes additional pain. In addition, a person who expresses "condolences" in this way puts himself in the role of a judge, who not only knows the reason, but also has the right to condemn the deceased, linking certain reasons to the effect. This characterizes the condolent as ill-mannered, thinking a lot of himself, stupid. And it would be good for him to know that, despite what a person has done in his life, only God alone has the right to judge him.

I would like to emphasize that “consolation” by condemnation or assessment is categorically unacceptable when expressing condolences. In order to prevent such tactless "condolences", it is necessary to remember the well-known rule "About the dead, either it is good or nothing."

Other common mistakes when expressing condolences

Often they say the phrase with condolences "I know how difficult it is for you, I understand you" This is the most common mistake. When you say that you understand the feelings of another, it is not true. Even if you have had similar situations and you think that you have experienced the same feelings, then you are mistaken. Each feeling is individual, each person experiences and feels in his own way. No one can understand the physical pain of another, except the one who is experiencing it. And everyone's soul hurts especially too. Do not say such phrases about knowing and understanding the pain of the bereaved, even if you have experienced it. You don't have to compare feelings. You cannot feel the same as him. Be tactful. Respect the other person's feelings. Better to limit yourself to the words "I can only guess how bad you are", "I see how you grieve"

It is strongly discouraged to be tactlessly interested in details when expressing sympathy. "How did this happen?" “Where did this happen?”, “What did he say before he died?” This is no longer an expression of condolence, but curiosity, which is not at all appropriate. Such questions can be asked if you know that the grieving person wants to talk about it, if it does not hurt him (but this, of course, does not mean that it is impossible to talk about the loss at all).

It happens that when condolences people begin to talk about the severity of their condition, in the hope that these words will help the grief to the grieving person more easily - "You know that I feel bad too", "When my mother died, I almost went crazy too "," I, too, like you. I feel very bad, my father died too, ”and so on. Sometimes this can really help, especially if the grieving person is very close to you, if your words are sincere, and the desire to help him is great. But in most cases, talking about your grief in order to show your grief is not worth it. Thus, there can be an increase in sorrow and pain, mutual induction, which not only does not improve, it can also worsen the condition. As we have said, it is a weak consolation for a person that others are also bad.

Condolences are often expressed with phrases that are more like appeals - “ We must live for the sake of "," You must endure "," You must not "," You need to, you need to do "... Such addresses, of course, are not condolences and sympathy. This is a legacy of the Soviet era, when conscription was practically the only understandable form of addressing a person. Such appeals to debt for a person in acute grief are most often ineffective and usually cause confusion and irritation. A person who feels in grief simply cannot understand why he owes something. He is in the depths of emotions, and he is also obliged to something. This is perceived as violence, and convinces that it is not understood.

Of course, it is possible that the meaning of these calls is correct. But in this case, you should not say these words in the form of condolences, but it is better to discuss it later in a calm atmosphere, to convey this idea when a person can understand the meaning of what was said.

Sometimes people try to express empathy in verse. This gives condolences pomp, insincerity and pretense and at the same time does not contribute to the achievement of the main goal - the expression of sympathy, the sharing of grief. On the contrary, it gives the expression of condolence a touch of theatricality and play.

So if your sincere feelings of compassion and love are not clothed in a beautiful, perfect poetic form, then leave this genre for a better time.

Prominent grieving psychologist A.D. Wolfelt also gives the following recommendations for what should NOT be done when dealing with a person who is experiencing acute grief

Do not interpret the grieving person's refusal to talk or offered help as a personal attack on you or your relationship with him. It must be understood that the grieving person at this stage cannot always correctly assess the situation, may be inattentive, passive, be in a state of feelings that are very difficult to assess for another person. Therefore, do not draw conclusions from the refusals of such a person. Be merciful to him. Wait for it to bounce back.

You cannot distance yourself from a person, depriving him of your support, ignore him.The grieving person may perceive this as your unwillingness to communicate, as rejection of him or a negative change in attitude towards him. Therefore, if you are afraid, if you are afraid to impose, if you are modest, then consider these features of the grieving person. Do not ignore him, but go and explain to him.

You cannot be intimidated by intense emotions and leave the situation.Often, sympathetic people are afraid of the strong emotions of the grieving, as well as the atmosphere that develops around them. But, despite this, you cannot show that you are scared and distance yourself from these people. It may also be misunderstood by them.

Do not try to talk to those who are grieving without affecting their feelings. A person who is experiencing acute grief is dominated by strong feelings. Attempts to speak very correct words, to appeal to logic, in most cases will have no result. This is because at the moment the grieving person cannot reason logically, ignoring his feelings. If you talk to a person without affecting his feelings, then it will be like talking in different languages.

You cannot use force (squeeze in your arms, grab hands). Sometimes the condolences who are involved in grief can lose control of themselves. I would like to say that, despite strong feelings and emotions, it is necessary to maintain control over oneself in behavior with the bereaved. Strong expressions of emotion, hugging.

Condolences: etiquette and rules

Ethical rules state that “often not only relatives and close friends who usually participate in funerals and commemorations, but also comrades and simply distant acquaintances are notified of the death of a loved one. The question of how to express condolences - to participate in the funeral or to pay a visit to the relatives of the deceased - depends on your ability to participate in mourning ceremonies, as well as on the degree of your closeness to the deceased and his family.

If the mourning message is sent in writing, then the person who received it should, if possible, personally take part in the funeral, visit the grieving family in order to express condolences in person, be near the mourners, offer help, and console.

But people who were not at the funeral ceremonies should also express their condolences. Traditionally, a condolence visit should be paid within two weeks, but not in the very first days after the funeral. When going to a funeral or condolence visit, wear a dark dress or suit. Sometimes a dark coat is simply put on over a light dress, but this is not supposed to be done. It is not customary to discuss any other issues not related to death during a condolence visit, tactlessly talk on abstract topics, remembering funny stories, or discussing business problems. If you happen to visit this house again, but for a different reason, do not turn your visit into a repeated expression of condolences. On the contrary, if appropriate, next time try to entertain relatives with your conversation, take them away from sad thoughts about the grief, and you will make it easier for them to return to the mainstream of everyday life. If a person cannot pay a personal visit for any reason, then a written condolence, telegram, e-mail or SMS message should be sent ”

Written expression of condolence

How condolences were expressed in letters. A brief excursion into history

What is the history of expressing condolences? How did our ancestors do it? Let's dwell on this issue in more detail. Here is what Dmitry Evsikov, a candidate for the topic "Worldview Aspects of Life" writes:

“In the epistolary culture of Russia in the 17th-19th centuries, there were letters of consolation, or letters of consolation. In the archives of Russian tsars and nobility, one can find samples of consoling letters written to the relatives of the deceased. Writing letters of condolence (consolation) was an integral part of generally accepted etiquette, along with letters of announcement, love, edification, imperative. The letters of condolence were one of the sources of many historical facts, including chronological information about the causes and circumstances of people's deaths. In the 17th century, the conduct of correspondence was the prerogative of kings and royal officials. Letters of condolences, letters of consolation belonged to official documents, although there are personal messages in response to events related to the death of loved ones. This is what the historian writes about Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (second half of the 17th century).
“The ability to enter into the situation of others, to understand and take to heart their grief and joy was one of the best traits in the character of the king. It is necessary to read his letters of comfort to Prince. Nick. Odoevsky on the occasion of the death of his son and to Ordin-Nashchokin on the occasion of his son's escape abroad - one must read these sincere letters in order to see to what height of delicacy and moral sensitivity even an unstable person could raise this ability to penetrate another's grief. In 1652, the son of Prince. Nick. Odoevsky, who was then a voivode in Kazan, died of fever almost in front of the tsar's eyes. The tsar wrote to the old father to console him, and, by the way, wrote: “And you, our boyar, would not grieve over the measure, but you must not, so as not to grieve and not cry, and you need to cry, only in moderation, so that God do not anger. " The author of the letter did not confine himself to a detailed account of the unexpected death and the abundant stream of consolations to his father; Having finished the letter, he could not resist, he also added: “Prince Nikita Ivanovich! Do not grieve, but trust in God and be reliable in us. " (Klyuchevsky VO Course of Russian history. Tsar Alexei Mikhailovich Romanov (from lecture 58)).

In the 18th-19th centuries, epistolary culture was an integral part of the everyday life of the nobility. In the absence of alternative types of communication, writing was a means of not only transmitting information, but also expressing feelings, emotions, assessments, as in direct face-to-face communication. The letters of that time were very similar to a confidential conversation, based on the speech patterns and emotional colors inherent in oral conversation, they reflected the individuality, the emotional state of the writer. Correspondence makes it possible to judge the ideas and values, psychology and attitude, behavior and way of life, the circle of communication and interests of the writer, the main stages of his life.

Among the letters related to the fact of death, 3 main groups can be distinguished.
The first group consists of letters announcing the death of a loved one. They were sent to relatives and friends of the deceased. In contrast to later letters, the messages of that time were more an emotional assessment of the death event that had occurred, than a carrier of factual information, an invitation to a funeral.
The second group is actually consolation letters. They were often the answer to the letter of notice. But even if the grieving person did not send a letter of notice about the death of his relative, the letter of consolation was an indispensable symbol of mourning and the generally accepted ceremony of commemorating the deceased.
The third group is written responses to letters of comfort, which were also an integral part of written communication and mourning etiquette.

In the 18th century, historians note a significant weakening of interest in the topic of death in Russian society. The phenomenon of death, associated primarily with religious beliefs, faded into the background in secular society. The topic of death has become somewhat taboo. At the same time, the culture of condolence and sympathy was lost; a void has formed in this sphere. Of course, this also affected the epistolary culture of society. Consolation letters became formal etiquette, but did not completely leave the communicative culture. In the 18th-19th centuries, to help those writing on a difficult topic, the so-called "Writers" began to be published. These were guidelines for writing official and private letters, giving advice on how to write, arrange a letter in accordance with generally accepted canons and rules, samples of letters, phrases and expressions were given as applied to various life situations, including deaths, expressions of condolences. “Consolation Letters” is one of the sections of the writers who gave advice on how to support the bereaved, to express their feelings in a socially acceptable form. Consolation letters were distinguished by a special style, full of sentimentality and sensual expressions, designed to alleviate the suffering of the bereaved, to console his pain from loss. According to etiquette, receiving a consolation letter necessarily required the recipient to write a response.
Here is an example of recommendations for writing consolation letters in one of the 18th century writers, The General Secretary, or the New Full Writer. (A. Reshetnikov's printing house, 1793)
Consolation letters “In this kind of letters, the heart should be touched and say one thing, without the help of reason. … You can dismiss oneself from any decent greeting, except for this, and there is no praiseworthy habit of how to comfort each other in sorrow. Fate only inflicts misfortunes on us, that we would have acted inhumanly if we had not given each other such reliefs. When the person to whom we are writing surrenders to her sorrow with excess, then instead of suddenly holding back the first tears, we should mix our own; let's talk about the dignity of a friend or relative of the deceased. In this kind of letters, you can use the features of moralizing and pious feelings, depending on the age, morals and state of the writer, to whom they write. But when we write to such persons, who should rejoice more than grieve about someone's death, it is better to leave such vivid representations. I confess that it is not allowed to accommodate the secret feelings of their hearts in a frank way: decency forbids this; prudence requires in such cases both to extend and leave great condolences. In other cases, one can speak more at length about calamities that are not shared with the human condition. Generally speaking: what kind of misfortunes does not each of us suffer in this life? The lack of property makes you to work from morning to evening; wealth plunges into extreme torment and anxiety all those who want to collect and preserve it. And there is nothing more ordinary than to see the tears flowing over the death of a relative or friend. "

And this is how the samples of consolation letters looked like, given as examples for writing.
“My sovereign! Not to appease you from your lamentation, I have the honor to write this letter to you, for your sorrow is very correct, but to offer you my services, and everything that depends on me, or, better to say, to mourn with you together the death of your dear husband. He was my friend and proved his friendship with countless blessings. Consider, my lady, if I have reason to regret him and to add my tears to your tears of our common sorrow. Nothing can comfort my sorrow, except for perfect obedience to God's will. His Christian death also approves of me, assuring me of the bliss of his soul, and your piety gives me hope that you will be my opinion. And although your separation from him is cruel, nevertheless one must be comforted by his heavenly well-being and prefer it to his low-temporal pleasure here. Honor him as an eternal content in your memory, imagining his dignity and the love he had for you in his life. Rejoice yourself by educating your children, in whom you see him revived. If sometimes it happens to shed a tear for him, then believe that I am crying for him with you, and all honest people communicate their pity with yours, between whom he acquired love and respect for himself, so that he never remembers them. will not die, but especially in mine; because I am with special zeal and respect, my lady! Your…"

The tradition of condolences has not died in our time, when the culture of attitudes towards death is in all respects similar to past centuries. Today, we can still observe the absence in society of a culture of dealing with death, an open discussion of the phenomenon of death and a culture of burial. The awkwardness experienced in relation to the very fact of death, expressions of sympathy, condolences translate the topic of death into the category of undesirable, uncomfortable aspects of everyday life. Expressing condolences is more an element of etiquette than a genuine need for empathy. Probably for this reason, the "writers" exist now, giving recommendations on how, what, in what cases, with what words to speak and write about death and sympathy. By the way, the name of such publications has not changed either. They are still called "scribes."

Examples of letters of condolence for the death of various persons

On the death of a spouse

Dear …

We deeply mourn death…. She was a wonderful woman and surprised many with her generosity and kind disposition. We miss her very much and can only guess what a blow her departure was for you. We remember how she once…. She also involved us in doing good, and thanks to her we became better. … Was a model of compassion and tact. We are happy that we knew her.

About the death of a parent

Dear …

… Even though I have never met your father, I know how much he meant to you. Thanks to your stories about his frugality, love of life and how anxiously he cared for you, it seems to me that I knew him. I think many will miss him. When my father died, I found comfort in talking about him with other people. I would be very glad if you could share your memories of your dad. I think about you and your family.

About the death of a child

... We deeply regret the death of your dear daughter. We would like to find words to somehow ease your pain, but it's hard to imagine if there are such words at all. The loss of a child is the worst grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. We pray for you.

On the death of a colleague

Example 1.I was deeply saddened by the news of the death of (name) and would like to express my sincere sympathy to you and other employees of your firm. My colleagues share my deep regret for his / her passing.

Example 2. It is with deep regret that I learned about the death of the president of your institution, Mr. ..., who has faithfully served the interests of your organization for many years. Our director asked me to convey to you my condolences on the loss of such a talented organizer.

Example 3. I would like to express to you our deep feelings about the death of Mrs.…. Her dedication to her work earned her the respect and love of all who knew her. Please accept our sincere condolences.

Example 4. We were deeply saddened to learn yesterday about the death of Mr. ...

Example 5. It was a great shock for us to hear about the sudden death of Mr. ...

Example 6. It is difficult for us to believe the sad news of the death of Mr. ...

Condolences over death are one way to show empathy for the bereaved. They are expressed in short phrases of their words, to the relatives of the deceased, sincerely, from the heart orally or in writing. When offering condolences, you need to be extremely tactful, not to say too much. Consider the degree of kinship, cause of death, faith of a person. Believe me, this is not just given to everyone, so the article has something to talk about, namely, how to express the words of sadness.

What the heart tells

On an intuitive level, people understand that support is needed in such situations. A suffering person always seeks participation from the environment. But not everyone can find the appropriate phrases and expressions, for many it is difficult.

If there is an inner feeling that words in a particular situation are superfluous or you can get confused while saying them, it is better to approach and hug the person. This is often the best way to offer condolences. A silent hug shortens the distance and helps to realize that his loss is understood and he is not alone in his grief.

What can you say to the loved ones of the deceased?

At the same time, tactile contact is not always appropriate. Therefore, it is important to have an idea of \u200b\u200bwhat is being said on such days. You don't need to make a long speech. Words of sorrow should be succinct in content, but short.

In what form is it appropriate to express condolences

A quick form of communication is not suitable (SMS, Viber), when you need to convey the depth of feelings - this is not the best way. The best way to express your support is in person, when you meet or on the phone. It is necessary to speak from the heart and in your own words.
If you have poetic talent, then write a poem. However, on the day of a person's death, reading it will be inappropriate. This option is suitable for commemoration on the ninth day or on the first anniversary of death. The poem does not have to be read. It is better to write it on paper and put it next to the photograph of the deceased.
Alternatively, you can send an obituary to the newspaper. The funeral note can be individual and collective. However, this does not negate personal communication.

Common mournful phrases

There are well-known mournful phrases, among them:

"Rest in peace". It is recited after burial and at commemoration.
"The pain of loss is beyond words."
"I offer my condolences and sincere sympathy for your grief."
"Please accept my condolences on the death of (name of the deceased Yiwu)."
"We will keep in our hearts a kind and bright memory of (Yiwu)."
“To the depths of my soul, I was shocked by your grief. I grieve with you. "
“My condolences. It's hard to believe that we won't see again (HI). I share your pain of loss. "

How to tactfully offer help

If there is an opportunity to provide financial assistance, then this must be done personally, it is unlikely that you will be asked for money, although a funeral is always a big expense. On the desire for complicity during the preparation, holding or after the funeral ceremony, you need to offer your services. The person will know that there is someone to turn to.

Phrases that you can use to express your desire to support the grieving person:

"Let me help you financially."

"I will be there and will render all possible assistance to you and your family."
“You can count on my support these days. I will help in solving any (or specific) issues. "
"Don't be shy, count on my participation."
"I really want to help, count on me."

Offer help sincerely. In order for a person to feel your participation, he may really need it, then with the words spoken, take his hand (s) in your palms and squeeze lightly. The grieving person will surely feel the sincere power of your words.

Expression of condolences

The depth of the experience differs depending on who the person has lost. How is the loss of friends, or a close relative: mother, father, children endured. Therefore, the words of condolence should be selected in accordance with the loss that happened.

The cause of death must be taken into account, it may vary:

Due to old age.
Due to a serious illness.
Early, sudden, premature death.
Tragic death, accident.

The only unshakable condition that must be observed is to say words of condolences sincerely and from the heart.

Condolences

About the death of a grandmother or mother

If a person has lost his mother or grandmother, then you can support him with the words:

“I share the pain of loss and experience it with you. I will remember (IS) with the warmest words. "
“This loss is hard to accept. It hurts even to think that (IWU) is no longer with us, but the bright memory will always remain in our souls. "
“How early the Lord took your mother. How hard it is for you, what grief. Please accept my sincere condolences. "
“My sincere condolences to you, my dear. What a wonderful person passed away. Like a candle went out. "
“Eternal memory will remain in my soul about your mother (grandmother). She was always kind and welcoming. I grieve with you. "

About the death of a father or grandfather

Lost words about the death of a brother, father or grandfather:

“Please accept my sincere condolences. I am deeply concerned about leaving (IS). He was a support for you and your loved ones. "
“(Name of the deceased) was a strong personality. Therefore, we need to show wisdom and endure this grief. We will continue what he did not complete. "
"We will carry a good memory of him throughout our lives."
“I offer you my deepest condolences. I am very saddened by your death (IWU). He was a wonderful person, we, like you, will miss him. "
“Please accept my empathy in connection with the departure of a loved one. Be strong, I am always with you. "

About the loss of her husband

If a woman's husband has passed away, then express your sympathy as follows:

“My condolences on the death of your spouse. You went through life together, but you got to experience this grief. We will help you get through these difficult days. Be strong. "
“It is impossible to make up for the loss. But the Lord will give strength to survive the loss. We will always keep the bright memory of (Yiwu). "
“It is difficult to find words of consolation. The loss is irreparable, but we will be there, remember this. "

On the death of a brother or friend

If a person's brother or close friend has passed away, then you can express your support with phrases such as:

“An irreparable loss. We cannot believe that he is not there. Eternal memory (IS) ”.
“He left this world, but remained in our hearts. We will remember him as long as we live. "

Words of support

To the relatives of the deceased

You can express condolences to the relatives of the deceased in writing by sending a message or telegram:

"Our condolences. It's hard to speak, even harder to come to terms with the loss. Bright memory".
“It is impossible to resurrect (IS) with words, but we will be there. Eternal memory to the golden man. "
“The bright man left our world. Grief cannot be expressed in words. He (she) lived modestly and quietly, and left, as if a candle had burned out. The Kingdom of heaven".

To a close friend or girlfriend

If grief happened to a close friend, then you can express condolences to him with words such as:

“Your grief has hurt my heart deeply. Whether my words will comfort you, I don't know, but you can count on me in everything. Let's pray together for the soul of the deceased. "
“Please accept my condolences, my friend. I deeply respected (IS). It is difficult to find words of consolation, as I understand the severity of the loss. I will be there and together we will go through this grief. "
“My friend, I am sincerely sorry that he (she left), but (IWU) is looking at us from heaven. Be strong. Count on my support, I share grief and trouble with you. "

Support a close friend, first of all, be with her. At the first meeting, be sure to hug and say words like:

“My dear, Friend, I will pray for the peace of the soul (IWU) with you together. Only prayer will help to survive this grief. "
“Your grief is my grief. I am experiencing it with you and I am grateful to the fate that I was familiar with (IW and degree of kinship). "
“Now it hurts a lot, my dear, be strong. I will support you in everything. You can count on my help any minute. "
“This news shocked me to the core. I will never forget how she (he) met guests, was kind to everyone and tried to help. I sympathize and cry with you. "

Work colleague

If grief happened to a colleague at work, then you can support it with words such as:

“I know about the death of a person close to you. I will pray for the repose of his soul. "
"Our condolences. We will pray for her (for him). May the Lord reward her (him) for all the good deeds done on Earth. "
“We are shocked by what happened. We sincerely sympathize with you and offer our help. "
“The loss of someone close to you shocked us. We share the bitterness of loss, grieve and pray with you. Everlasting memory".
“The loss of a mother is a grief. It is always difficult to say goodbye to loved ones. We grieve with you. "

On the death of a work colleague

If it happened that a work colleague died, then at the memorial table or at the cemetery you can say the following phrases:

“We worked together for several years, we met almost every day. He was a good worker, young colleagues followed an example from him. He (IWU) will forever remain in our memory as an example of life wisdom, humanity and honesty. Rest in peace".
“His (her) dedication to work and friendly attitude towards colleagues will forever remain in our memory. We loved and respected (IWU), and now we will remember with kind words and prayer. "
“He (she) was a great friend and colleague. We will miss (name of the deceased). The Kingdom of heaven".
“It's hard to believe that he (IS) is not alive. More recently, we went to lunch together, drank coffee and laughed merrily. I will miss you, your advice and jokes. Sleep well".

Short phrases about the loss of loved ones

Sometimes it is enough to limit yourself to a few words, but they must be sincere:

“This news shocked me. It is difficult to accept it, but it is impossible to accept it. Be strong. "
"I share with you the pain of loss."
“This news was a heavy blow. Let us pray and remember (IS) ”.
“He (she) meant a lot to us. We grieve with you. "
“Grief clouds the mind. Be strong, he would not want to see you cry. "

Mourning words

Muslims

If a close person has died of a Muslim, then you can support him with the following phrases:

"May Allah forgive all the sins of the deceased and console you."
"May Allah forgive the sins of the deceased."
"May Allah have mercy on him."

Orthodox

An Orthodox person can be supported with short phrases like:

“A terrible loss. I pray for the soul of God's man (IWU) ",
"Light peace to dust (IWU)".
"Rest in the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Rest in peace".
"The Kingdom of Heaven and Eternal Memory."
"God is merciful."
"Lord, rest with the Saints."

How to express sympathy to the parents of children who have passed away?

The death of children is a cruel mistake of nature. It is the children who should bury their mothers, fathers, but not vice versa. There is no consolation for parents, grief until the end of days, only to pray for their peace and to be, if possible, close to the mourners.

2014 was a difficult year in my life, I almost lost my son, he is in a wheelchair, but alive. But he is with me, I can hug him, kiss him, squeeze him. But this year my friend lost two minor children and her husband in a car accident. What words? They just don't exist. She herself is a psychologist, she works at a school where her children ran along the corridors. Where this woman took and takes strength to live on, she alone knows.

“What a misfortune. I grieve with you. "

Tatyana Snezhina "We are only guests in this life"

Important points

Bringing words of condolences to any person on death, you need to pay attention to such nuances as:

When the situation requires an official tone, for example, the mother died at the boss's, then you can express condolences in writing, from the whole team. If it was decided to present them personally, then one person should do it. You should not go to the office or home of the bereaved in a group.
You should not read a poem that was found on the Internet at a funeral or memorial service. If it is really emotional and appropriate to the situation, then you need to write it on paper, handing it over to the relative of the deceased.
Sorrowful condolences to the most dear people are expressed with sincere words, departing from stereotyped phrases. There is no universal advice here. You need to listen to your heart. Often touches (hugs, hand on shoulder) are stronger than touching words of sympathy.
When pronouncing mourning words, you need to rely on 4 feelings: sincerity, a desire to help, sympathy and attention to a person.
People in deep grief may not respond adequately to even the most sincere condolences. You should not take offense at them or sort things out. Anger towards the whole world, depression, guilt, rejection of what happened - all this is a variant of the norm. Awareness of the situation is different for everyone. It takes time and the compassion of loved ones.

As Cicero said: "The life of the dead continues in the memory of the living." Therefore, you need to remember about relatives and friends who have passed away. This should be taught to your children.

Take care of yourself and your loved ones!

It is customary to express condolences over death in few words. But sometimes it is unbearably difficult for us to find even these few phrases. Any words seem empty and banal, we are afraid to open up fresh wounds in the hearts of relatives and friends who have just lost a dear person. However, it is worth gathering strength, finding simple and delicate words of sympathy that will sound informal, sincere and heartfelt. It is not for nothing that they say: "Shared grief is half grief."

The words "condolence", "sympathy", "empathy" speak for themselves. We pronounce them to share the pain of loss with the loved ones of the deceased, to make it clear that we are also shocked by the sad news that we grieve and grieve with them. Condolence is not only words of sympathy and consolation, but also being around, a willingness to help. Sometimes, to express empathy, it is enough to mentally hug the bereaved person, take the hand and be silent for a few moments, or even cry together.

You might find a few tips useful:

You should not come up with any special, florid and pretentious phrases. They can sound fake and insincere. You don't need to talk long. Lingering condolences can cause only tears in a person who has not yet resigned himself to the bitterness of loss.
When choosing your words of condolence, think about how you feel about the sad event, who the deceased was for you, what kind and warm memories are associated with it. Feel free to show your feelings. And do not forget to offer all possible help to the family of the deceased.
Pray for the repose of the soul of a departed person, ask God to grant strength of spirit and consolation to his relatives. Surely, after this, sincere and heartfelt phrases of sympathy will not need to be invented. They will come by themselves.
When giving condolences, try to speak with restraint and calmness, not cry, not lament. An outburst of your emotions can trigger a response from the bereaved, exacerbate his grief and mental suffering.
Having come to the house of the deceased with a visit of condolences, you should not inquire in detail about the reasons for what happened, talk about the fact that the tragedy could have been prevented in one way or another, look for “positive” moments in death (for example, say: “he’s better off, he’s been tortured” , - if a person died from a serious illness).
The phrases “I understand how hard it is for you,” “I know how bitter it is for you,” may sound insincere. You cannot know the depth of another person's suffering. It would be more correct to say: “I am shocked by this sad news”, “I sympathize with you”, “for me it is also a grievous loss”, “I grieve with you”.
You should not console the grieving person with the future. The words: "you will still have children", "you are young, you will still get married", "time heals everything", "do not be sad, everything will pass, everything will be fine" and the like are not only stupid, empty and insincere, but also tactless ... In the acute stage of grief, a person is simply not able to think about the future, any statements on this topic seem to be a betrayal and cause mental pain.
Wishes: “try to take care of yourself”, “go to work as soon as possible”, “I hope you will be able to come to terms with the loss”, “I wish you to recover as soon as possible” - also sound formal, ridiculous and tactless.
It is advisable to express condolences on the occasion of death orally. It is permissible to say words of empathy and consolation over the phone, in a letter or sms-message if, for one reason or another, you cannot attend the funeral ceremony.
If you are familiar with the family of the deceased, but were unable to attend the funeral, visit them as soon as possible and say words of sympathy. It is customary to do this within one and a half to two weeks after the funeral. But not in the first three days.
Relatives and close friends usually come to the house of the deceased with a condolence visit before the funeral, colleagues, classmates, classmates and distant acquaintances say words of sympathy at a farewell ceremony or after a memorial dinner.

How to properly express condolences in connection with death:

relatives

Maria Andreevna, please accept our condolences. The novel was for us a very dear and close person. It's hard to believe what happened. We share your loss and grieve with you. Tell me how we can help?
Petr Ivanovich, Tamara Igorevna, we sympathize with you. This bitter news shocked us. Nikolay was the soul of our team, one of the best. Please accept help.
Irina Petrovna, Alexander Ivanovich, Oleg, we condole. Vasily Alexandrovich was a bright and sincere person, he supported me more than once in word and deed. For me, this is an irreparable loss. I pray for the repose of the soul of Vasily Alexandrovich with you. Let me be there and share the sad chores in these difficult days. How can I help?

close

I sympathize with you, Andrey, Olga. What has happened seems inconceivable, impossible. We are close were friends with Larissa, and it will be hard for me to come to terms with this unfair loss. Larisa was for me not just a soulful friend - a dear person. Tell me, what can I do for you these days?
Please accept your condolences. For us, the departure of Igor Nikolaevich is also a huge loss. We will always remember Igor Nikolaevich as a bright and sincere person. We grieve and pray for the repose of his soul. Let me be with you in these sad days. We are ready to provide any help.
Elena Petrovna, let me share the weight of your loss and help in organizing the funeral. The fact that Alexander left so suddenly is very difficult news, in which the mind refuses to believe. Sasha and I are school friends. He was a sympathetic person, a wonderful friend and class leader. Only thanks to Sasha we, classmates, have not lost each other over the past years. We grieve with you.

family

Timofey Ilyich, Anna Mikhailovna, I sincerely sympathize with you. For me, the death of Mary is also an unbearable grief. Masha treasured her family very much. And for me your home has always been dear. Let me still visit you. How can I help?
Nikolai Ivanovich, Elena Alexandrovna, I condole on your trouble. Unfortunately, we did not know you during Alexander's lifetime. He spoke so warmly and lovingly about you, was proud that he had such wonderful parents. Alexander will forever remain in my memory as a true friend and incredibly positive person. It is impossible to believe that he is gone. Let me help with the funeral.
We understand that there are no words that could comfort you today, Marina Vladimirovna. We are colleagues and subordinates of Timur Andreyevich. Your husband was a bright person, a wise mentor, a just leader, supported and helped in everything ... It will not be easy for us to come to terms with the death of Timur Andreyevich. Let me share your grief, help and be with you on these difficult days.

What words to express condolences in prose

How to express condolences to a mother

Dear Anna Fyodorovna, I sincerely sympathize with your grief. For me, your daughter was more than just a friend - a close and dear person. The memory of Lyudmila is in my heart forever. Let me be by your side during these difficult days.
Irina Ivanovna, please accept our condolences. It is impossible to believe and accept, it hurts to speak ... Blessed memory of Andrey. You can always count on our help.
Maria Alexandrovna, dear, condolences with all my heart. Your son was a reliable friend and soulful person. I understand: any words today will not diminish your grief. Let me share with you the bitterness of loss, be near. I am ready to provide any help.

How to express condolences to a friend

Nadia, how painful and bitter it is not to express. Your mom was a close person to me too. Be strong, my dear. And just know: I'm always there.
I grieve and cry with you, Anya. Such unexpected and terrible news ... Lidia Petrovna was an unusually sincere and loving woman. How impossible it is to talk bitterly about your mother in the past tense ... Let me share my grief and help you.
My condolences, dear. For me, the death of Pyotr Andreevich is also a heavy loss. Your dad was a man of great soul. I will always remember him with gratitude. I am ready to help in everything.

How to express condolences to a colleague

Kirill, please accept my sincere condolences. I know that my mother's departure is the most bitter loss. And any words are powerless here. Blessed memory of Tatyana Ivanovna. Be strong.
Anton, our condolences. We understand how hard you are going through the death of your brother. Please accept our help.
Irina, we sincerely share your grief, this is a very heavy loss for you. We remember how warmly your husband received us as a guest ... We grieve with you. We are ready to help with the organization of the funeral and memorial dinner.

How to express condolences in writing

Dear Antonina Vasilievna! I deeply regret and mourn the departure of your mother. Irina Semyonovna was an amazingly benevolent, sympathetic and wise woman. It is bitter to say "was" ... I think many will remember your mother with warmth and gratitude. Ready to help with the funeral. I ask you to write how I can be useful.
Dear Andrey Ivanovich! All of us, employees of Garant LLC, sincerely condole with you. Blessed memory, to your father Ivan Ivanovich. Fortress of spirit to you and your family. We will forever remember our Ivan Ivanovich as a true master of his craft, a true professional, sensitive, sympathetic, great soul of man.
Our condolences, dear Alexandra Petrovna and Valery Vasilyevich! It will not be easy for all of us to come to terms with Andrei's death. He was always open, honest, very positive person. He helped many of us in the difficult vicissitudes of life. We will all remember your son with light and gratitude. We are ready to offer any help.

How to express condolences via SMS

Alexander, shocked by the bitter news. Be strong. We will immediately visit you.
Dear Lydia Andreevna, please accept my condolences. We cry and grieve with you. We will be with you tomorrow.
Tatyana, Igor, what sad news ... My condolences with all my heart. Unfortunately, I will not be able to be with you on these mournful days, my mother is seriously ill. Brace yourself, dear ones.

Condolence verse

Muslims, like people of other faiths, feel pain, bitterness, sadness and also cry, losing dear and close people. However, they have a slightly different outlook, a different attitude to life and death, different traditions and customs. In the Muslim world, it is not customary to express sorrowful emotions openly. This means that the words of condolences sound differently.

Our society has practically lost the culture of condolences. News feeds are full of news of death, but it is not customary for us to talk about death as a part of everyday human experience. However, this can be learned ... The head of the Center for Crisis Psychology at the Patriarch's Compound - the Church of the Resurrection on Semyonovskaya, told the guests of the 25th International Christmas Educational Readings how to talk to a person in a situation of heavy loss.

To share the pain of the bereaved

First of all, you need to understand that sympathy is not a ritual and not empty words, but a joint feeling, and condolence is a “joint illness”. By expressing our condolences, we try to take on some of the pain of others. Condolences can be either verbal or written. Just do not need to do it in the form of SMS messages - for many, this form of expression of sympathy can simply offend.

Condolences are not easy. Condolence is a risk. Behind the words of sympathy should be the work of the soul, we should be prepared for discomfort, for the fact that a person, seized with grief, can react to our words and actions sharply. It must be remembered that unsuccessful forms of expression of sympathy, soulless formal words can cause him additional pain, and the invaluable resource of inner strength will be spent not on overcoming the pain of loss, but on ... “not killing the condolent” ...

The condolent should not restrain himself from expressing his feelings. It is very effective at such a moment to just touch the grieving person, hug, cry next to him, warmly shake his hand. Now, unfortunately, it is not accepted to do this, but experience shows that it works much stronger than words. But at the same time, you need to maintain control over yourself in behavior with the bereaved.

To find the necessary sincere words of consolation, you need to think about your attitude towards the deceased, remember the most important moments of his life, remember what he taught, how he helped and what joys he brought into your life. You need to think about the degree of loss and the history of the development of relations with the deceased of those people to whom you are going to express condolences, try to feel their inner state, their feelings.

Word, deed, prayer

It must be remembered that condolence is not only words, but also actions that can alleviate the situation of a neighbor. Words without deeds are dead. Real help lends weight and sincerity to words. Deeds make life easier for the grieving person, and also allow the condolent to do a good deed. Only words, even the best and most correct ones, are like a car with a steering wheel, but without wheels, but the real thing helps everyone to cope with a difficult situation. Do not hesitate to offer help to the bereaved, find out how you can support him. We can offer help in cash, around the house, in organizing a funeral ... And we will really help the family where the grief happened if we take the trouble to take care of the children living in this family. Children at such a moment, when adults are immersed in loss and the cares of burial, are often left to their own devices. The child reacts to death with a delay, he may not at all externally express his emotions, so it will seem that he is doing a great job himself, and yet it is the children in this situation that are the weakest link. Grief can overtake a child in six months, and others will not even understand why he is behaving so strangely. This is extremely important: children in this situation should not be left to themselves.

Sometimes mourners refuse help. Do not regard such a rejection as a personal attack on you. A person in this state cannot always correctly assess the situation.

You can help with deeds not only by providing material and organizational assistance, although this is also necessary. Our prayer can and should be a deed - both for the deceased and for the grieving. You can pray not only at home, but also in the temple, submit memorial notes. You need to tell the grieving person that you will pray, thereby you show that you do not stop communicating with the deceased, that even after death you continue to love him.

Make peace with the departed

Sometimes we are hindered from sincerely condolences by resentment against the departed or his relatives. In such a state, sympathy, of course, cannot be expressed. Reconciliation is necessary, otherwise our words on duty will inflict additional mental trauma on the bereaved. And if we forgive the insult from the bottom of our hearts, then the necessary words will come by themselves.

It is appropriate here to briefly and tactfully ask for forgiveness for what you think you are guilty of before the deceased, admit your mistake to your relatives and say that you grieve very much that you cannot apologize to him personally.

If nothing comes to mind ...

If it is necessary to say something, but the right words do not come to mind, you can say some standard phrases, in which, of course, there will be no warmth, but which, at least, will not hurt those who are grieving.

"He meant a lot to me and to you, I grieve with you."

“Let it be a consolation for us that he gave so much love and warmth. Let's pray for him. "

“There are no words to express your sorrow. He meant a lot in your life and mine. We will never forget".

“It is very difficult to lose such a dear person. I share your grief. How can I help you? You can always count on me. "

“It’s a pity, please accept my condolences. If I can do something for you, I will be very glad. I would like to offer my help. I would gladly help you ... "

“Unfortunately, in this imperfect world you have to experience this. He was a bright person whom we loved. I will not leave you in your grief. You can count on me any minute. "

“This tragedy has affected everyone who knew it. You, of course, are now the hardest of all. I want to assure you that I will never leave you. And I will never forget her. Please, let's walk this path together. "

“Unfortunately, I only now realized how unworthy were my arguments and quarrels with this bright and dear person. Excuse me! I grieve with you. "

“This is a huge loss and a terrible tragedy. I pray and I will always pray for you and for him. "

“It is difficult to express in words how much he did me good. All our disagreements are dust. And what he did for me, I will carry through my whole life. "

How not to condole

Condolences should be avoided in every possible way bombast, pathos, theatricality... A brief unsubscribe via SMS is one extreme. But there is another - to send a long ornate message in verse, which can be found on the Internet in two minutes. Both are equally tactless, and the basis of these two mistakes is the same problem - the unwillingness to work with the soul. We are often hindered from showing sympathy by elementary selfishness, the fear of disturbing our own mental comfort, as well as a lack of understanding that accepting grief has its own stages.

Completely inappropriate in condolences consolation for the future... “Time will pass, still give birth”, “You are beautiful, then you will still get married” ... The man has not yet really realized his loss, has not mourned the deceased. Maybe in a year this girl will be able to say: "Look, you are such a beauty, be comforted, there will still be family happiness in your life." But now the grieving person is not interested in the future, the pain of loss in the present is too strong.

Very common is ban on grief: "Don't cry, everything will pass." Or even worse: "Do not cry, you will soak the dead man", "You cannot cry, you anger God" and even "You are now neutralizing prayer with tears." You need to understand that in this situation, the principle "do not cry, until the wedding will heal" does not work. The grieving person will simply hide his emotions, withdraw into himself, which can lead to very severe psychological breakdowns in the future. Usually the prohibition on grief arises precisely because of the “sympathizers” who are traumatized by the emotions and experiences of the grieving person.

Totally unacceptable devaluation and rationalization of loss: "So he is better, he was ill and suffered", "Well at least his mother did not suffer", "It's hard, but you still have children", "He died because he would have become a bandit."

Should be avoided in every possible way comparison of losses: "Others are even worse", "You are not the only one." A grieving person cannot compare his own pain to the pain of others.

And of course, in no case should press on a person's guilt: "Eh, if we sent him to the doctor ...", "Why did we not pay attention to the symptoms", "If you had not left, then perhaps this would not have happened."

Listening to Mikhail Khasminsky's speech, I remembered my loss. The news of my father's death caught me two years ago on the train, when I was already approaching my destination. I knew that my dad was terminally ill, but I still hoped ... My God, what for ?! Why did I go at all? I remember that at that moment for some reason I was afraid to shock my neighbors in the reserved seat with my tears. But they treated my grief with understanding. And I will never forget how one girl - I didn’t even recognize her name - just shook my hand tightly and whispered just one word: “My condolences” ...

Newspaper "Orthodox Faith" No. 04 (576)

It is always difficult to convey condolences over loss sincerely and tactfully. Especially if you have to do it in person. There are certain forms of etiquette, thanks to which communication will go smoothly, despite the tragedy of the moment. We hope our tips will help you stand up and show your best sides.

Examples of words of condolence

To find the right expressions, you need to collect your thoughts and look inside yourself.

Don't try to hide behind dry clichés, but don't be overly emotional either. Never use swear words in speech.

If you have to express condolences in writing, avoid exclamation marks. Be short and straightforward - the person is gone forever, and this cannot be hidden by any softening expressions.

How official your appeal will be depends on the specific case, but it is imperative to end it with a question, how you could help.

In both writing and speaking, you can use the following text as an example:

“A wonderful person is gone. I send my condolences to you and all your family in this sad and difficult moment ”;
“I mourn your loss. I know that this is a heavy blow for you ”;
“I was told that your brother is dead. I am very sorry and I send you my condolences ”;
“I want to express my deep regret for the death of your father. If I can help you, please let me know. "

When it is customary to express condolences

Time, like words, also matters. You should be tactful with the loved ones of the deceased.

There are usually two concerns for those who wish to express regret over someone's death: will I not interfere with the grieving and is it not too late (not too early) to turn now?

The first point is psychological... It happens that you have no experience in such conversations, or you are afraid to enter a house that was recently visited by death, or during the life of the deceased you did not get along with his family ... Most often people just harass themselves, feeling that they have to come or call, but are afraid to see someone else's grief and do not know how to behave in such a situation.
The second point concerns moral behavior. Is it possible to call the family of the deceased as soon as you hear the black news? Is it worth waiting for the funeral to support his family there? And if you were not invited either to the funeral or to the commemoration, then when will you come with condolences? Will it be late in a week?

No matter how difficult and scary it may be for you, you should show up or call when you feel that this is expected of you. For example, a friend, relative, or neighbor needs consolation. In addition, if you know that your presence or a few nice words on the phone will cheer the person up, you should do it on the "if not me, then who" principle.

You may not be best friends, you may not have been in this family for a long time, but sometimes support is needed from outsiders, especially if the grieving person is lonely and unprotected. These may be pensioners, widows, orphans, young mothers with an infant, or simply reserved people who find it difficult to count on help.

Don't be too embarrassed. Even if you are received detached or asked to be shorter and leave, then at least your behavior will be correct.

And yet most mourners need and expect visitors and calls. If you are close to them, call as soon as you hear about the grief. If they are not very close, the arrival or call in the first three days after the funeral will be more formal.

After a maximum of a week, it is customary to bring condolences from employees from work, and if you apply even later, then prepare a short excuse (did not know, you were in another country, etc.).

What not to say

The worn-out phrases that you can get off with if a friend just has another trouble are categorically not suitable during the period of grief for the deceased.